The Amelia Project - Episode 18 - Niseag

Episode Date: September 6, 2019

“Dunno. I think it's Gaelic.” Episode 18, Season 2. With Alan Burgon, Gemma Arrowsmith, Benjamin Noble, Torgny G. Aandero, Gianluca Iumiento, Ravdeep Singh Bajwa and Julia Morizawa. Written and edited by Philip Thorne. Directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein U. Brager. Music and sound design by Fredrik S. Baden. For full credits see our website. The Amelia Project is an audio fiction series. We recommend starting at the beginning. Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. If you’re not comfortable with this, stop listening. Now. The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network. Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partners Website: ameliapodcast.com Twitter: @amelia_podcast Patreon: patreon.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Play? Play. Congratulations. You've reached the Amelia Project. This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up. Now. You sure about this? If you hesitated, do not proceed. Still there? If you continue, there's no way back. The choice is yours. Good choice.

A new life awaits. You'll hear back from us within the hour. If you do not hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. Good day. How would you like to mark a 50 foot, 24,000 kilo monster disappear? Go on, get a lardy. The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Braga, with music and sound design by Frederick Barden. Episode 18. Nessie? This weather would make a Siberian huskish.

This was a mistake. It was a prank call You're probably right But just imagine if it was true It was a hoax Anyway, it's nice to get the city out of our lungs for a bit But I... Can we roll back now? Just another hour

I've brought a thermos of cocoa It'll keep us warm Can we row back now? Just another hour. I've brought a thermos of cocoa. It'll keep us warm. I've brought tomato and a pesto panini and a papawero tiramisu. Oh, a picnic. This'll be fun. I'm so cold. Just a teeny bit longer.

We'll play a game to pass the time. Do you know if I spy with my little eye? No. Spio. Okino. Ah. Yes, yes, yes. I know it. Ah, good.

Salvatore, you start. I spy with my little eye something that is... Yes? I don't know what to say. Now you have to say the colour of something you can see. All I can see is water. Then you say I spy with my little eye something that is blue.

I spy with my little eye something that is blue. Water. I win. Okay, your turn, Joey. I spy with my little eyes something that is brown. The cocoa. No. This cocoa isn't brown. It's mahogany with a hint of umber.

Lord. I spy with my little eyes something that is brown. Ah, the tiramisu. No. That piece of dog shit. That piece of dog shit. What piece of dog shit? That piece of dog shit. Man, I've never knew dog shit could float like that.

It's floating towards us. It's swimming towards us. It's... What is it? Here, I've got a stick. Let's... it's swimming towards us. It's... what is it? Here, I've got a stick. Let's poke it. Um, I don't think you should be poking that with a stick. Joey, do not poke that with a stick. Oh my god, what is that?

Oh shit! Ah, spy, we my, we I, three chuckle fucks in a dinghy. Help! Shut your geggies, you knob-dobbers. Well, toss me like a caber. It's Nessie. Do you still think I don't exist? Sorry, Nessie. Nice to meet you. A hearty welcome to the Heelans.

Thank you. What's that you're eating? I'm so hungry I could eat the scabby head off a wean. Tomato and pesto panini. Would you like some? Aye, give him here. That's good. Oh, pesto. Fancy. Do you like them?

It's not coca leaky, but it's alright. Coca leaky? Do you tell me you've never heard of coca leaky? Watch your legs, boys. No, I can't say that I have. Mechdy me, ye haven't lived that ye've tasted coca leaky. What's in that flask? Coco. Be my guest. What's in that flask? Coco.

Be my guest. It's from Les Doumes. Coco? Did you just say Coco? Yes, it's all the way from... Nessie! Nessie, please, we're going to capsize. Oh, God, you'll drink it.

Coco! You're such tally-washers. Tally-washers? What does that mean? Oh, OK. all drooky. Coco, you're such tally-washers. Tally-washers? What does that mean? Oh, OK. Fanny-bores, dunderheads, bo-heads, nuggets, numpties, daubers, fums. Ah, ha, ha, ha, yes, I think we get the gist. Coco, help my bo-hub. It keeps you warm. Do you care what keeps you warm? Whiskey. Sorry, I don't have any...

Addy, I've been stockpiling it for centuries. I had a few too many last night. I'm still blathered, totally out the game. Well, I don't think we should be drinking whiskey... Stop talking shite. It's medicine against the drich. Ah, aren't those beer glasses? Aye, just a wee dram. Ah, aren't those beer glasses?

Aye, just a wee dram. Here you go. Thank you. What about those two lasses? Si, grazie, grazie. What's wrong with you? You gab funny. Learn to gab English.

He's to us. Slant you. Cheers. Ah's to us. Slainte. Cheers. Poor, dead, brilliant. I could curry down a corner for a cracking snooze. That would be nice. But we have business to discuss. Do we? The reason we trekked all the way out here, Nessie.

You said you need our help. Jinx, you're right. Sorry, I'm bloated and I cannae stop havering. Och, I dunno. Let's stop footering about and get off our bahookies and get down to it. What a good idea. With Smartwater's pure, crisp taste, there's nothing to overthink.

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Smart water is a simple one. Travel better with Air Canada. You can enjoy free beer, wine, and premium snacks in economy class. Now extended to flights within Canada and the U.S. Cheers to taking off this summer. More details at aircanada.com. Well, why don't you tell me your story, Nessie? My story?

Yes, we ask all our clients to tell us their story. Oh, where would you like me to start? Well, the beginning. Are you sure? It tends to be the best place to start. All right. In 565 AD, those doughty picts came to settle here. One night, as black as the Earl of Hell's waistcoat,

an Irish monk with a face like a skelter's comes along. Sorry, sorry, Nessie, did you just say 565 AD?

Aye. Do you know what? Why don't you just cut to the chase? Do you want me to skip to the 7th century? No, no, I don't. Just please,

tell me what the problem is. Folks are such dunderheads is what the problem is. Half of them dumb fucks say I didn't exist. The other half hunt me down with nets and hooks and take unflattering pictures of me. First they invade my privacy and publish pictures of me all over the world without my consent.

Then they laugh in my face and tell me I'm unreal. It's adding insult to injury is what it is. Make up your mind mind you get balls. Well, you know, you could just come out of the lock and settle the matter once and for all. What, more cameras and attention and ficking Japanese tourists? I would rather suck Alex

Salmon's tassel. And those key rings and bumper stickers and cuddly toys which look nothing like me by the way. Nah, if I came out, those doughty daubers would build a tacky theme park and pat me in a cage right in the middle of it. I'm already lining the pockets of the Scots economy as it is, and I didn't get to see a muck as a thank you.

So you want to disappear? Aye, but first they need to think I'm dead. I understand that you want to disappear, but first they need to think I'm dead. I understand that you want to disappear, but why the need to fake your death? Can't you just vanish from the loch? Nobody will ever know you're gone or that you were there in the first place. What, and let those scabby sceptics

think they were right all along? Yes. That I didn't exist? Yes. Ni o' a ma dead body. I want to wipe the smug smile frae the faces. So you want to prove the smug, smile-fraidy faces. So you want to prove you're real and disappear? Aye. Making you disappear is going to be exceptionally difficult.

And what's that supposed to mean? Well, it's just that you're very... big. Nessie, please, steady, steady. Are you saying I'm a pie eater? I'm sure You're perfectly well proportioned for a lady of your species It's just You're going to be difficult to disguise, you know

No Well, you're You're, I mean I mean, you're I use disguise all the time. You do? How else do you think I'd get to the village on a Friday night? And they don't notice you?

By seven on a Friday night, everybody in Drum the Droche is blathered. They wouldn't be surprised to see a third of poofy elephants on motorbikes. Oh. Friday evening it is, then. Friday, we're getting you out of here. We'll hire a truck. Where will you take me? To Kozlovsky, our surgeon. I am in Hoven surgery.

Oh, of course not. Kozlovsky will just study you to create as faithful a replica as possible. We have a contact at Edinburgh Zoo's pathology lab. We'll get him to send an elephant carcass to work with. What? A wee elephant? Several elephants. Several elephants and a rhinoceros.

If we're lucky, he can throw in a hippo. Kovtlovsky will be able to stitch something together. We'll leave the replica washed up near Urquhart Castle. Once it's found, the world's press will be there. I'll record the experts eating humble pie and send you the tapes. It'll be fun. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Tack that, you boby suckers. What about your reappearance? Shall we find you another loch? A nice peaceful one, without monster hunters and a tourist industry? I've had enough of

the cold. I'm wanting to gang somewhere taps off. The Gulf of Honduras, the Adriatic, the Mediterranean, the Argentine Sea. Eekie-oekie, as long as I escape this dreech. But won't you miss, um, this? This shithole? You seem so Scottish. Me? Nah. I see myself as a citizen of the world. You won't miss the, uh, what was it, cock-a-leekie?

I'll tack some Cullen's skink, a few bottles of whiskey and the Proclaimer's greatest hits. I'll be able to dream of Bonnie Scotland if e'er I want to. But mostly, I think I'll be glad to be rid of the damn place. Well, in that case, the only thing we still need to discuss is payment. I can pay it in whiskey. I was hoping you were going to say that. Now, you said you've been hoarding it for... My oldest bottle is from 1845. That will do very

nicely, Nessie. Let's hear another tap-up, shall we? I'm dying of druth. Well, I think the occasion calls for it. Here's to us. Sláinte. Sláinte. Oh, it burns. Beautiful, that.

Oh, go, go, go, go now. Do you want to hear Nessie call the Amelia Project again from her new hideaway? Well, by becoming a patron, you can do just that. And you'll also be helping us to keep the show alive. Go to patreon.com slash Amelia podcast. That's P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash Amelia podcast to make your pledge and access bonus content. This episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne. It was directed by Philip Thorne and Einstein Breger

with music and sound design by Frederick Barden. It featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Gemma Arrowsmith as Nessie, Gianluca Iumbiento as Joey, Ravdeep Singh Bajwa as Salvatore, Benjamin Noble as Agent Haynes, Torgny G. Ondero as Agent Cole, and Julia Morizawa on the answer phone. A big bubble-blowing thank you to Soundly for supporting the show and sponsoring us with sound effects. Thanks to Fool and Scholar Productions for sponsoring this episode. Danke, Cathy Sindela, für deine großzügige Unterstützung.

Thank you to Battlebird Productions for helping us record the episode and simply for being some of the friendliest and coolest people in podcasting. And thank you to all our listeners and fans for leaving reviews, tweeting about the show and spreading the word. We'd also like to give a shout out to our listener and new patron, Nico, who has set up an Amelia Discord server where you can discuss theories about the latest episode, share cocoa recipes, or simply hang out with a community of Amelia fans. It's an independent fan-run server, but Nico has our full support

and will share the link to the Discord on our website. Simply go to ameliapodcast.com, click on Muse and then Blog, and we'll post the link there. You can also find it on Twitter and Facebook. Stay tuned for the epilogue and see you back soon. What? It's true. The tape's right there. It's a hoax. We've just checked with Edinburgh Zoo's pathology lab and get this. Last week, three elephant carcasses

really did go missing. Koslovsky is probably stitching them together as we speak. You think we should send the Navy to go monster hunting in the Caribbean? I think that might be... I was joking! So far, they've given us

solid intelligence. Bartholomew disappeared just like they said he would. Monsters is where I draw the line! Give me that file! There's the police report about the missing elephants in there, and a document from the Loch Ness Research Centre detailing all the sightings from the last four decades. I've marked up a map with the most occlusive spots in the Caribbean

from which they could conceivably... What are you doing? We spent the whole night... Are there any copies of this? No. Nancy's away and the copier doesn't like me. Well, thank fuck! Can you even

begin to imagine what would happen if anyone found out you actually spent resources on this? You want us to just... forget about it? I want this whole Amelia thing wrapped up in the next

three days! But there's so much more to... You've got three days! Then we send in a team and bust them! We've waited long enough! Who we send in a team and bust them! We've waited long enough! Who knows how many deaths they've faked? You know, who knows how many Amelia clients are out there? Yeti? Bigfoot? The Roswell alien? Well, it wouldn't surprise me in the least.

What we're trying to say is that once their clients know we've busted them, we'll be on the back foot. You know, they can go into hiding, change identities again. Shouldn't we find out who all the clients are first? Three days! Now get out of my office, you gullible nincompoops! But... Now! Well, that went well. I've never been called an income poop before.

Right, back to the office. Quick. We don't have much time and we have to get through as many tapes as possible. But just three more days. Three more days. More days. The Fable & Folly Network. Where fiction producers flourish. In a world of covert culinary criminal coalitions. Jean Carlo.

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Butch is brought back. Hot. No, no, no, no. For one. Last. Cook. Open Pandora's oven. Yes, chef!

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