The Amelia Project - Episode 19 - Cole

Episode Date: September 20, 2019

“I’m trapped in a nightmare! I can’t wake up! Heeeeeelp!” Episode 19, Season 2. With: Alan Burgon, Torgny G. Aanderaa, Benjamin Noble, Gemma Arrowsmith, Ravdeep Singh Bajwa, Glyn Phillips, Dave Moskin, Modou Bah, Michael Smulik, Tom Middler, Fiona Thraille, Sarah Golding, Kudra Owens and Julia Morizawa. Written by Philip Thorne. Directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein U. Brager. With music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. For full credits see our website. Check out arolivieri.com. The Amelia Project is an audio fiction series. We recommend starting at the beginning. Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. If you’re not comfortable with this, stop listening. Now. The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network. Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partners Website: ameliapodcast.com Twitter: @amelia_podcast Patreon: patreon.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol in select markets. See app for details. Congratulations. You've reached the Amelia Project. This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up. Now.

Still there? Cole? Cole? Cole? Cole? Do we really have to go through the answer phone message again? You must know it off by heart by now. Oh, alright.

So, you've got nothing to lose? Is there anything binding you to your current life? If you hesitated, do not proceed. This phone call isn't happening. This phone call isn't happening. This phone call isn't happening. This phone call isn't happening. Cole? How do you know that it's me? Who else wears pink satin pajamas? Old King Cone was a merry old soul, and a merry old soul was he. He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl, and he called for his fiddlers three. Stop that. Stop singing.

What you have heard is true. We can make it happen. We are your escape route. Well, that's what I need. I need to escape. No, you don't! You need to get your ass out of bed and get to work! You're late!

I can't. I'm a prisoner here. I need help. Good choice. A new life awaits. You will hear back from us within the hour. If you do not hear back, well, frankly, you're screwed. Leave your message after the beep.

You have to help me. I'm trapped in a nightmare. I can't wake up. Help! Thank God. Would you like some cocoa? Sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Was that a yes? This can't be happening.

What do you mean? Is that really you? No, it's my evil twin, Gustav. I'm not here. None of this is true. It can't be. You seem rattled. What you need is a nice cup of cocoa. Salvatore, two cocos, please. Now, Henry Cole, is it?

What brings you to Amelia? Don't talk to him. Salvatore, where's our cocoa? Don't talk to him. Salvatore! Where's our Coco? Don't talk to him. Why ever not? He who must be I is M.I.5. Salvatore tells me you've been spying on us.

Is that true? No. No, of course not. It's not! What do I pay you for, then, you nincompoop? Northcott. Northcott? Who's Northcott? This is a nightmare.

Relax, you're just having a bad day. No, I mean, literally. You think you're having a nightmare now? I think so. Oh dear. What's it about? My boss, Northcott, you, and Salvatore. Don't be offended, Salvatore. I'm going to teach that little snitch a lesson, stronzo, bastardo, fio di puttana, ratto.

How can I be dreaming in Italian? I don't speak Italian. Forci non è vero italiano. Venerio. Where did you just come from? Get out of my dream. You are the creeps. Non è un sogno. È un incubo. Now, now, now. This will calm you down.

Coco from Les Doux Magots. It will rinse out the fear and fill you with warm, sweet bliss. Ready? What's this? It's instant coffee. It's a nightmare! So now you believe me? It's just... it's very unusual.

We've never helped a client escape from a nightmare before. Can you do it? At Amelia, we can do anything. Thank goodness. But first, we need to make sure this really is a dream. How do we do that? Jump over the moon. What?

Go on. Just do it. One, two, three. Whoa! Oh! Oh! Oh! That felt amazing. That proves it. You're definitely dreaming. How long have you been dreaming? I don't know. I've lost track of time. We have to stop thinking of time as this rigid thing that only goes in one direction. It's less of a river and more of a landscaped car park

with a Minoan temple and a petting zoo. Melissa? Hello. Just who I need. Could we jump forward in time to when this is all over? Certainly. I knew it. Finally, something we can take to Northcott. This is it, Cole. We've struck gold. Wake up and smell the coffee. And I'm not talking Waitrose Instant.

Really? Northcott's going to install the fanciest espresso machine money can buy right here in our office once she hears about this. Melissa, I'm lost. I don't have any context. I have no idea what he's talking about. Welcome to my world. Actually, can we just go back? This is too confusing. Very well. Pomegranate. What? Are you even listening to me?

Sorry, I think I just nodded off. How can you nod off? This is already a dream. I don't know. You said you could make me disappear from this nightmare. You can make it stop? Hmm. If by letting you escape, you continue spying on us, maybe I should just leave you here.

I'll do whatever you want. Impede the investigation, set them on a false trail, anything. Just get me out of here. I'm going to have to put this to a group vote. Everyone into my office, please. Cole, this is everyone. Everyone,

this is Cole. He's been spying on us. What should we do with him? We should punish him. We could strap a cage with one side open against his body and fill it with rats. I could hold a blowtorch up against the cage so the rats will want to escape the heat.

And in order to do so, they'll have to burrow through his body. What a lovely idea, Luke. Thank you for your input. Anybody else? Rats are too good for that tally washer. What you'll need are bagpipes. Or I could put him through my wood chipper. Come on, guys. Rats!

Bagpipes! Wood chipper! Or how about I pepper spray him? Okay, okay. Compromise. We impale him on a sharp pole and let him slide down by his own weight. While he does so, we flick him with molten silver. What do you think, Bob? I don't really know.

You know what? I don't care what they say, Cole. I'm going to help you. Out you all go. Really? You'll help me? Yes. Why? Because at Amelia, we like to do the unexpected. Thank you so much. Grab an ocarina.

What? Bit like a recorder. Twelve holes, easy to play. I know what an ocarina is. Do you want the purple or the turquoise one? Yellow. Great choice. We'll play on three, right? Wait, what are we playing? One, two, three.

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between you and your all-time favorites. Quick Crisp from Cavendish Farms. Made our way, enjoyed your way. Available right away. Before I can help you disappear from your dream, we're going to have to interpret it. Here's what we'll do. I'll say some words, and you reply immediately without thinking. Okay? Okay. Life.

Death. Dog. Cat. Tree. Earth. Pomegranate. What? Pomegranate.

Kiwi? Bean. Chocolate. Very good. Sleep. Dream. Fire. Devil. Gun. Bean. Chocolate. Very good. Sleep. Dream. Fire. Devil.

Gun. Death. Mask. Death. Car. Death. Daffodil. Death.

Would you like a cigar? Yes, please. Hmm, interesting. A bed, a bed, for an ash-fowling sheet. Oh, a pit of clyde for to be mine. For such, I guess, is me. It's Cecil, the gagging gravedigger. Welcome, Cecil. A man is shaving with a straight-edge razor when it drops out of his hand and lobs off his penis.

He picks it up, stuffs it in his pocket, hails a taxi and tells the driver to bring him straight to A&E. At the hospital, the surgeon says, we're going to have to work fast, give me your penis. The man reaches into his pocket and deposits the contents into the surgeon's hand. But this is a cigar, says the surgeon. Oh my god, says the man. I must have smoked my penis in the taxi. That's good. Tell another one. Sorry, very busy. Got a grave to dig.

Can I take your measurements? What? No, not me. I don't die. Not yet. Yes, you do. At 12.20 sharp. 12.20? What time is it now? Time to wake up. I can't get through the tapes on my own. Have I woken up?

We're working on it, Haynes. You. You'll be behind bars soon. I like Mars bars, but I'm even more fond of Maltesers. Would you like a Malteser, Cole? Yes, please. You take the blue Malteser, and the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to

believe. You take the red Malteser, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Can I have the yellow one? Great choice! Oh! What's happening? We are gathered here today for different places and at different stages of our journey through life in order to pay our last respects and bid a sad, bid fond farewell to...

Sorry, what was your name? His name is Cole. Henry Cole. I'm not having Nessie officiate my funeral. Don't we have a proper priest? We do have a priest. Zale Indigo Ravenheart. Archpriest of the Apostles of Antithon.

Zale, would you mind? It would be an honor. There is life, and there is death. They are not opposites. They are complementary. One gives rise to the other. Without one, the other does not exist. There are no opposites.

Opposites are illusions. No day without night. No dreams without nightmares. No earth without antithon. Sorry, are we late? It's just we had to doggy paddle down the Thames Borough beneath Westminster and sack race down Regent Street to get here. Everything exists in pairs. And the pairs exist simultaneously.

The last breath contains within it the first breath. The first holds the seeds of the last. They are the same. The first act of life is inhalation. The baby cries and everyone laughs. The final act of life is exhalation. A woman closes her eyes and everyone cries. That's pure death, brilliant, Zale. I'm welling up. pure, dead, brilliant zeal. I'm welling up.

Stop crying, Nessie. Your tears are too big. We're all going to drown. Nessie! Nessie! Please stop. Someone make that monster stop crying, please. We're going under.

Nessie! The day Venice goes under is the day I die. Play something cheerful. We need to lighten the mood and stop Nessie crying! Get Kessel to tell another joke! Come on! Say something! Anything! Watch out, Lily! Oh, I'm soaked! This can't be happening! This can't be real! Of course not! It's fictional and we've already established that by now!

There comes a bee! This is it! This is it. This is the end. Guys, it's just pretend. No! Carl? Yes? Carl, wake up. I mean... Oh, wait. Cole, wake up What do you mean?

Oh, yeah Oh Um How long have I been sleeping? A good hour Really? What's the time? 2am.

Why are we still at the office? You really don't remember? I... My mind is kind of a blur right now. We've got two more days to listen to all these tapes and read all these case files. We've barely scratched the surface. Northcott doesn't care. Is it just me, or do you think the box isn't getting any emptier?

It's almost like the tapes are multiplying. Well, there are lots more secrets. Shall we crack on? Yeah, you need to throw some caffeine at your brain. Yeah, coffee would be good. You know, maybe we should split the tapes between the two of us. Get through them quicker.

We brief each other on anything important. Well, you just tried that. You fell asleep. Oh. This should wake you up. I emptied the whole jar of Nescafe to... Fuck! Fuck!

Oh, fuck, fuck, fucky, fuck, fuck. Are you okay? Oh, my God, the tapes, are they okay? Oh, yeah, yeah, don't worry. It's not like they were ordered. I mean, they're all a bit jumbled anyway. Oh, shit, what about the case files? Any coffee stains?

Oh, shit. It's all right, Haynes. Just, uh, nothing seems to be too bad. Huh. What? Have I damaged evidence? Oh, that's... that's weird. What, Cole? What? Come and take a look at this. Why is that in the box?

Papyrus. With hieroglyphs. How odd. Am I still dreaming? Cole, go call the British Museum right now. What? We need an Egyptologist. You're asking me to get an Egyptologist

at 2am in the morning? I'm definitely still dreaming. You're not dreaming, Carl. If this is what I think it is... Yes? Just get on the phone to the museum, okay? ASAP. Can I wake up now?

Can I wake up now? Can I wake up now? Can I wake up now? This episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne. It was directed by Philip Thorne and Einstein Breger with music and sound design by Frederick Barden. It featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Torgny G. Ondero as Agent Cole, Gemma Arismith as Nessie and Northcott, Ravdi Singh Bajwa as Salvatore, Mario Vernazza as Venerio, Kudra Owens as Melissa, Benjamin Noble

as Agent Haynes, Michael Smulik as Luke, James Oliva as Alex, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Mudu Ba as Bob, Glyn Phillips as Cecil, Dave Moskin as Zale, Fiona Thrail as Tara, Sarah Golding as Lily, Tom Midler as Percy, and Julia Morizawa on the answer phone. The episode was produced by Imploding Fictions. It was recorded at Battlebird Productions and the Bridge Writing Studio in London, Spike City Studios and LSI Lutz Produktion in Oslo, and Torngeber Studios in Vienna. All graphic design for the Amelia Project is by Anders Pedersen.

Thank you to Headley Knights and Gabriel Giba for studio engineering. And thank you to our whole team of fabulous actors who came back for cameos. We hope this episode makes you want to go back and revisit some of the older cases again. And speaking of older cases, have you ever wondered what Agent Cole and Agent Haynes made of the clients in Season 1? Well, for this week's Patreon bonus, we're exploring just that. We're releasing a special minisode called That Kind of Case, in which we go back and catch up with Cole and Haynes pre-Season 2. You can listen to that by becoming a patron. Just go to patreon.com slash Amelia podcast. That's p-a-t-r-e-o-n dot com slash Amelia podcast to make your pledge.

It allows you to enjoy the Amelia project to the full, and it allows us to rent studios, pay our actors, and keep making the show. Our $20 patrons get a special shout-out in the credits, in the language of their choosing. And today's shout-out is in Welsh. Here goes. Dear Cathy, I'm going to give you our Patreon. Thanks for listening, and happy nightmares. The Fable & Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish. Are you there? I think I'm getting something. Why are you there? I think I'm getting something.

Why are you recording? For science. Did you hear that? We're a little off schedule. Maybe it's the aliens. I'm studying electromagnetic phenomena and anomalies. I don't think losing people is scary. I just don't want to do it anymore. Just together? Radio check. Who's this? I didn't think losing people is scary. I just don't want to do it anymore.

Just together? Radio check. Who's this? I didn't do it. You never do anything. We should still be secure. Are you safe? The walkies again. Who are you?

Comfort. I am not doing it on purpose. You can't bullshit. I am not doing it on purpose. Stop. Stop! Oh, God. I don't like this. I don't like this. What the hell was that? I'm not supposed to know that.

We're supposed to be innocent. I feel an ending coming. Oracle. A sci-fi anthology podcast set in the not-so-distant future. Season 2 Transmission. Av available in bi-monthly episode releases starting July 1st, 2023. Or listen now to Season 1, Iris, wherever you get your podcasts.