The Amelia Project - Episode 2 - Alicia Cairn

Episode Date: December 22, 2017

"Hello. It’s Alicia Cairn. Yes, THE Alicia Cairn. Whatever the hell that means." Season 1, Episode 2. The Amelia Project is a secret agency that helps its clients by faking their deaths and setting them up with a brand new identity! In this episode reality star Alicia Cairn visits the agency… What’s her dilemma? Listen to find out!  With Alan Burgon, Megan Crain, Gianluca Iumiento, Ravdeep Singh Bajwa and Julia Morizawa. Written by Philip Thorne. Story editing by Oystein U. Brager. Directed by Alan Burgon. Music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Produced by Imploding Fictions. The fellow audio drama shoutout in this episode was for The Bright Sessions by Lauren Shippen. Find them here! For full credits see our website. ameliapodcast.com Website: https://ameliapodcast.com  Transcripts: https://ameliapodcast.com/transcripts Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-amelia-project?ref_id=6148 Twitter: https://twitter.com/amelia_podcast Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Your mom hates it when you leave six half-full glasses on your nightstand. It's a good thing mom lives on the other side of the country. And it's an even better thing that you can get six IKEA 365 Plus glasses for just $9.99. So go ahead. You can afford to hoard because IKEA is priced for student life. Shop everything you need for back to school at IKEA today. Congratulations. You've reached the Amelia Project.

This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up. Now. If you continue, there's no way back. Good choice. A new life awaits. You'll hear back from us within the hour. If you don't hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. Hi, it's Alicia Cairn. Yes, the Alicia Cairn, whatever that means. I don't, not anymore,

which is why I need your help. Call me. The Amelia Project by Philip Thorne and Oystein Braga with music and sound design by Frederik Baden. Well, pickle my willy and call me silly. Alicia Cairn on roller skates. Sorry. First time. Not very good. I'll pay for the damage. Oh, don't worry.

I was never too keen on all that wedgewood. Gift from a client. Welcome to Amelia. Grab hold of that chair! Ah! Oh! Ouch. I think you'd better take those off.

Yeah. Yes. Here, I'll help you. It's such an honor to have Alicia Cairn in my office. The one and only Alicia Cairn. Ooh, I've made tea, just the way you like it. Empress Grey with a slice of lemon. I checked with my niece. She's a huge fan.

Knows everything about you. What's that you're having? This. Cocoa. Can I have some? Cocoa? Yes, please. But you're lactose intolerant. Yeah. Can I have it with extra cream, please?

If... if that's what you want. The cream's from a can, I'm afraid. Bring it on. Can I ask you something? Sure. Why are you putting on that accent? It's not really working, is it? No.

I was trying so hard. Can I have a bit more cream, please? Certainly. Say when. When? Like I was saying, my niece never missed a single episode. Could I get your autograph for... Do you mind if I smoke? I didn't think you smoked.

You have a lighter? Here you go. Good Lord, are you all right? Fine. I don't think you're fine. I can't stand tobacco. Oh, neither can I. I'll let in some air. So, could I have that autograph for my niece? Here's a pen.

Well, I... It would mean the world to her. Can you close the window? It's just... I don't want anyone to see me here. Certainly. Who should I make it out to? Lorraine Fletcher. Hope you can read it. I'm not used to writing with my left hand. Oh, Lorraine will be so happy. She loves you. Wants to hang out with you.

She's so jealous of Tina and Trish. She loves every single episode, even the ones where nothing happens. Alicia goes to the supermarket. Alicia tops up her bus pass. Alicia buys cat food. Alicia runs out of toilet paper. Alicia files her tax return. The tax return one was very popular. 10 million views on YouTube. People love you. At the beginning, I thought I had to do stuff. You know, go far out. Make an effort.

Travel the world. Eat cockroaches. Go bungee jumping off Niagara Falls or skinny dipping in Iran. But the producers encouraged me to just be me. Just live your life, they said. Be yourself. That's what people want. Your birthday parties were my favorite, said. Be yourself. That's what people want.

Your birthday parties were my favorite, though. Test me. What? Go on. See if I can remember all your birthday parties. When did the one and only Alicia Cairn first air? Well, I signed the contract with RTV when I turned 20, so that's 2003. 2003. First ever episode. The cereal-themed party. You all came as cereal box characters.

You were Snap, Trish was Crackle, and Tina was Pop. Or was it the other way around? No, that's right. Snap, Crackle, and Pop. I've always loved Rice Krispies. Rice Krispies with soy milk became a real craze after that episode. It was a great party. Cocoa Monkey and Loopy Bee making out behind Captain Crunch's back. Crunchasaurus Rex having a bowl of Weetabix soaked in Baileys.

Fun times. And when your ex gatecrashed the party as Tony the Tiger. Now, that must have been planned. Nothing on The One and Only was ever staged. The producers just let me live my life and stuck a camera on it. What was your 21st birthday? Was that Barbarians and Librarians? That was 22nd. 21st was the Communist Party. I was well into Marx. And vodka. Yes, that too. I'll never be able to unsee the sight of Trotsky throwing up on Engels. And Rosa Luxemburg giving Lennon a blowjob.

I don't think that bit made it on air. Probably not. Twenty-third was mobsters and lobsters. Twenty-fourth, turtlenecks and tequila. Twenty-fifth... That was the Rubik's Cube party! I don't think I saw that one. Oh, you'd remember if you had.

Everyone came wearing different colored clothing. Red trousers, yellow t-shirt, pink undies, green sweater. Then you had to swap bits of clothing until everyone was wearing the same color. You'll find it on YouTube. 26th, I remember. That was the Nuclear Waste Party. Let's not talk about that one, okay? I was going through a nihilist

phase. Next one was fun, though. The anything but cups party. Yeah. Beer is definitely meant to be drunk from Tupperware, and rosé never tastes the same again once you've drunk it from a stormtrooper helmet. 28th was hippies versus hipsters.

29th was sexy historical characters. 30th was sexy historical characters. 30th... I should know that. You should. Everybody knows about the 30th. Oh dear. Of course. The Seven Deadly Sins. You won't find that one on YouTube. 31st?

Dictator Disco. Another controversial one. Which brings us to this year's What You Were Wearing When the Police Raided the Brothel Party. Final episode. End of an era. The one and only Alicia Cairn will continue. But without you... Yes. It'll lose its appeal, don't you think?

The producers are trying to make the transition as smooth as possible. Anyways, Stacey Jones is used to playing me. Yes, she was very good in Alicia Cairn the movie. I actually forgot it wasn't you. She went through a lot of plastic surgery. But it's not just the physical likeness. She's really got you down to a T. The upward lilt at the end of your sentences,

the wrinkling of your nose when you laugh, the way you fiddle with your glasses. It's incredible. Shall I tell you a secret? Secrets is what Amelia is about. In Alicia Cairn Cook's Christmas dinner, it wasn't actually me. It was Stacey Jones. No way.

It's true. I had a stomach bug. I couldn't face the smell of turkey and sprouts. But the show had to go out. Having it on in the kitchen as you stuff your turkey is tradition. That's what the producers said, so they got Stacey to stand in for me. Really? I could have sworn it was you. Well, as you say, she basically is.

What? She's me. No, she's not. I thought you said she had all my mannerisms. Yes, mannerisms, but... My facial expressions, my gestures, my voice. That doesn't mean... She even has the same shoe size as me.

Same bra size, same height, weight and build. Okay, but that's still... She uses the same deodorant, the same toothpaste, and hair conditioner. Now that really doesn't... She hiccups like me. She sneezes like me. Coughs like me. She has an itch two centimeters above her left brow, exactly where I do,

and she scratches it with her ring finger, just like me. Her farts smell the same as mine, and when she orgasms, she makes exactly the same noises. None of that makes her you. It doesn't? No. You're in front of me. Are you sure? What do you mean, am I sure? You've been on my TV for 13 years. I know it's you.

Alicia Cairn doesn't roller skate. You weren't exactly a pro back then. Alicia Cairn doesn't eat dairy or smoke. Alicia Cairn doesn't have a southern accent. Alicia Cairn isn't left-handed. Alicia Cairn doesn't have a southern accent. Alicia Cairn isn't left-handed. Alicia Cairn doesn't wear... Okay, okay, okay, but all that's insignificant. My behavior, my tastes, my habits, my quirks, the way I speak and dress, my beliefs.

All that's insignificant? It's not what makes you you. What does make me me? Look, I'm sure all of that stuff plays a part. It's not what makes you you. What does make me me? Look, I'm sure all of that stuff plays a part. But even though you're not behaving like Alicia Ken, I still go, hey, there's Alicia Ken. It's the body, isn't it? What?

I wanted to think we were more than just flesh and bone. But at the end of the day, I can change every damn thing about me. But as long as I'm still in this body, it's me. You're going through an identity crisis. I don't blame you. It must get confusing being Alicia Cairn. Oh my god, my niece probably knows you better than you do. I mean, give her a date and she can tell you what type of pasta you ate that day. Or what brand of bin liner you bought.

You exist on a million screens and in a million minds and imaginations. On top of that, there's all the merchandise. The Alicia Cairn doll, the action figure, the one with the wobbly head everyone has in their cars. Then there's Alicia Cairn, the anime character, the Alicia Cairn parody version on Saturday Night Live, and Stacey Jones playing you in the movies. I can see how you can lose grip of your identity. My identity doesn't belong to me anyway.

What do you mean? When I signed the contract with RTV, I sold them the exclusive rights for Alicia Cairn. But you no longer work for RTV. No, but they still own the rights. The rights? Yeah, to my identity. What? My lawyers looked into it.

There's nothing I can do. They own the rights to your identity? I shouldn't have left the show. I wasn't unhappy or anything. I just wanted a change, you know? I've been doing the one and only for 13 years. I wondered what life away from TV would be like. But I didn't think it through.

I didn't realize I'd signed away my identity. That's crazy. And you know the worst part? There's a worst part? Now that I no longer work for RTV, they're threatening that if I carry on being Alicia Cairn, they'll sue me. Well, butter my buttocks and pepper my pecker. I can't go back to the show. Stacey Jones has already signed the contract. It's too late.

So you're in the mother of all pickles. I have to escape my identity. Oh god, there's that accent again. I thought if I changed every single thing about me, I could leave behind my identity. Do you want us to help you? I can no longer be Alicia Cairn. Okay, first off, drop the accent. For good. You can't escape your identity purely by changing your behavior. We've established that. Yes. We've also established the answer seems to be a new body. It seems so. I have a solution.

Really? Piotr Kozlowski. Our surgeon. He's the best on the planet. Problem is, he's bored. Bored with performing minor cosmetic surgery. Cecil Beaton called boredom the world's worst crime. I really, really, really, really, really, really, really hate boredom. Uh, what's that got to do with... We need to give him a challenge. What do you have in mind? We'll get Kozlovsky to replace your liver, your kidneys, your heart, your lungs, your intestines, your pancreas, your blood, your facial tissue, your ligaments,

replace everything with synthetic parts. He can do that? Patients have organ transplants and blood or hormone transfusions all the time. It's just a question of replacing everything. And then it'll no longer be me? My dear. How can it be? It'll all be new.

But you just said yourself people replace bits of their body all the time. But not the whole body. Yeah, but at what point does it stop being me? Replace the heart, it's still me. Replace the tonsils and the bone marrow, it's still me. Replace the salivary glands and suddenly it's not? I don't understand when the crossover would happen. You think it would still be you?

I think it might. Well, sprain my brain and call me insane. Hang on! That's it! The brain! That's what makes Alicia Cairn Alicia Cairn! Where your brain goes, you go. I guess. So it's obvious. Is it? Of course. What? We. Where your brain goes, you go. I guess. So it's obvious. Is it?

Of course. What? We'll remove your brain. Stop. I want to see this Kozlovsky guy's credentials. No. Why not? Because he doesn't have any.

You said he was the best. He is. Without credentials? Look, everyone who works for us has disappeared. I can't reveal anything about Kozlovsky's previous life. So he's not really called Kozlovsky? He's called Kozlovsky, and his first job was with Amelia. That's all you need to know.

I don't know how I feel about... Do you want to escape your identity or not? Yes. Good. So where were we? He'll remove my brain. Yes. First your brain, then Stacy Jones' brain. Stacy Jones? Then he'll swap the two around and

seal back up your heads. What the hell? Kozlovsky gets his challenge. You keep your identity without breaking the contract. For Stacy, not much changes. After all, identity without breaking the contract. For Stacey, not much changes. After all, your bodies are the same. RTV keeps its flexibility. The two of you can still stand in for each other. Amelia gets paid.

And we all get to crack open a bottle of champagne. My brain in Stacey's body and Stacey's brain in mine? Yes, but they're identical bodies. And which one am I again? Alicia Cairn. Alicia Cairn. Alicia Cairn. Champagne? There's no situation that isn't improved by a glass of Veuve Clicquot.

I think I might need something stronger. You're going to love this. Trust me. Can we drink it from a stormtrooper helmet? Will a cycle helmet do? What about the holes? We'll have to drink fast. I've always been a fan, but now I really feel I've got to know you.

I propose a toast to the one and only Alicia Cairn. Cheers. Cheers. The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions in association with Open House Theatre Vienna. This episode featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Megan Crane as Alicia Cairn and Julia Morizawa on the answer phone.

You heard Gianluca Iumiento as Joey and Ravdeep Singh Bajar as Salvatore. It was written and edited by Philip Thorne and directed by Alan Bergen. Music and sound design by Frederic Barden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen, production coordination by Julia C. Thorne. This episode was recorded at Torngeber Studios with the assistance of Gabriel Geber. Sound effects from Freesound, individual attributions on our website. Today's shout-out goes to The Bright Sessions,

which stars the wonderful Julia Morizawa, who you can hear at the beginning of each Amelia episode. If you enjoy our show, we think you'll love The Bright Sessions, which is available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever you get your podcasts. I shouldn't really be telling you this, but guess who just came to my office?

No? No? No? Younger? Older? OK, I'll give you a tip. Rice Krispies. Yes! I swear, it's true! Well, I can't tell you that, but yes, she was in my office. No, I'm not kidding. She even did that scratchy thing she does with her ring finger, you know. I know. I know.

I know. I was like, holy mackerel, it's Alicia Cairn. The cropped brown hair, the twitchy eyebrow, that blinky thing she does when she takes off her glasses, the mole on her left hand, the way she... What? She doesn't have a mole on... Are you sure? Well, then who the hell... What? She doesn't have a Molon.

Are you sure? Well, then who the hell... I gotta go, we have a situation! Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit! What an idiot! You know at least she can't bet on that Molon, her left hand. She's never had a Molon, her left hand.