The Amelia Project - Episode 21 - Ant

Episode Date: October 18, 2019

“They’re after me. The Chinese. The Americans. The Russians. The Turks. The North Koreans. I don’t think I’ll last long under torture…” Episode 21, Season 2. With: Alan Burgon, Alex Scott Fairley, Benjamin Noble, Torgny G. Aanderaa, Julia Morizawa, Valentina Alexeeva, A.R. Olivieri, Antigoni Spanou, Nerys Howell, Erin King, Tanja Milojevic, Sarah West, Kessi Riliniki, Carollyn Monterola, Lala Drona, Gavin Gaddis, T.H. Ponders, Priyadarshini Hariharan and Amir Mirzai. Written by Philip Thorne. Directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein U. Brager. Music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. For full credits see our website. The Amelia Project is an audio fiction series. We recommend starting at the beginning. Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. If you’re not comfortable with this, stop listening. Now. The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network. Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partners Website: ameliapodcast.com Twitter: @amelia_podcast Patreon: patreon.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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there's nothing to overthink. So while you may be performing mental gymnastics over whether the post-work gym crowd is worth it, if you'll be able to find a spot for your yoga mat, or if that spin instructor will make you late for dinner again. Don't overthink how you hydrate. Life's full of choices. Smart Water Alkaline is a simple one. Right, it's time to begin the new episode, and this episode is dedicated to our new patron, Sophia Anderson. Thank you so much, Sophia, for your very generous Patreon support. Congratulations. You've reached the Amelia Project.

This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up. Now. You sure about this? If you hesitated, do not proceed. Still there? If you continue, there's no way back. The choice is yours.

Good choice. A new life awaits. You'll hear back from us within the hour. If you do not hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. Hello. My name is Anthony Welby. They're after me. The Chinese, the Americans, the Russians, the Turks, the North Koreans. I don't think I'll last long under torture. I... I... I... Help! The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Braga, with music and sound design by Frederik Barden.

Episode 21. Ant. Hello? Um, sorry, is this, um, um, um, the Amelia Project? No, sorry, this is the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs. Oh, I'm sorry. Wait, wait, come back, of course this is Amelia. No, you just said... Yes, I know I did.

It was a joke. I'm not very good at this. This? People. Conversations. Relax, you're doing fine. Sorry. And stop apologising.

Sorry. Sorry, I mean... Why don't you come in properly? Take off your coat. Get comfortable. Is it safe to talk here? What's said in this room stays in this room. Good. I need you to make me disappear.

What you need, my friend, is a good cup of cocoa. Cocoa? Trust me. So, your name's Anthony Welby? My colleagues call me Ant. Well, here you go, Ant. Enjoy. How is it? It's good.

Considering it would take the pooled efforts of Shakespeare, Proust, and Thomas Mann to do descriptive justice to this cocoa, a simple good will suffice. I'm guessing you're a scientist. Yes. How thrilling. Who's after you? Most of the world's military and intelligence organisations. Well, I'll be jiggered. What kind of a scientist are you? I'm a... No, let me guess. You're a nuclear physicist?

No. A nanophysicist? No. Hmm. An astrophysicist? No. But I'm close? No. Well, what are you then?

An entomologist. A what? An entomologist. Isn't that close? No. Well, what are you then? An entomologist. A what? An entomologist. Isn't that insects? Yes. You're joking. No. What use does the military have for an entomologist?

Strictly speaking, I'm a dipterologist. A dipter... I study flies. Oh, well, everybody knows our national security depends on dipterologists. Yes. You are joking. I don't joke. Of course. I'm also head of the International Union for the Study of In. Yes. You are joking. I don't joke. Of course.

I'm also head of the International Union for the Study of Insects. Look, Ant, I'm sure you're the big enchilada of insect studies, a towering beacon to dipterologists everywhere, but and please don't take this the wrong way, don't you think you're overestimating the importance of insect study just a teeny tiny little bit? Overestimating the importance of

insects? Overestimating the importance of insects. Overestimating the importance of insects. How is it possible to overestimate the importance of insects? What percentage of Earth's creatures do you think are insects? The way you ask, it's obviously going to be high. I'll say 40%. 90%. Get out of here. It's true. Take ants. 10 quadrillion ants on the planet. 1.4 million

ants for every human. If you look closely you can find ants pretty much anywhere. I've even seen two or three in this room. Including you. How many species of insects do you think there are? I'm not even going to try and answer. Nine million. Who can you name all of them? Some fun facts. Fun? What's the world's strongest creature? You're going to tell me it's a flea. Wrong. The Hercules beetle. It can lift 850 times its own weight. That's like a human lifting ten elephants. These Hercules beetles could come in handy for my next move. How fast can a horsefly fly?

You know I don't know- One hundred and forty-five kilometres per hour. That's faster than a bullet fired from an air rifle. How many times does a midge beat its wings in a second? A thousand times. Guess how hawkmoths create ultrasonic bursts to drive away bats. Alright, alright, alright. I admit there's more to creepy crawlies than I thought, but-

By rubbing their genitals together. Ew. Do you know how old the oldest insect fossil is? Four million years. Insects were among the first animals to transfer from sea to land. They were around a good 170 million years before dinosaurs. They range from the 0.014 centimetre fairy fly to the 66 centimetre acidic insect, from the weightless fruit fly to the one-pound giant wetter.

Insects are without a solid... And I'm going to stop you there. You're obviously very passionate about this, and I admire your passion. I really do. Believe it or not, I'll think of you the next time I swat a fly. I bow to you and your entomological knowledge. I've never heard anyone say fruit fly with such fervour. All I'm saying is, do you seriously think the military and intelligence agencies give a fly's fart about any of this?

I knew it. Finally, something we can take to Northcott. This is it, Cole. We've struck gold. Wake up and smell the coffee. And I'm not talking Waitrose Instant. Really? Northcott's going to install the fanciest espresso machine money can buy right here in our office once she hears about this. What? The insect guy? You haven't heard of Anthony Welby?

Don't think so. He used to work for us. Everyone was pretty sceptical, it was a real long shot. But it turns out he achieved stunning results. Then, about a year ago, he died, taking all of his research to the grave. Oh, except it seems he faked his death. Bingo. And you and I are the only его смерть. Бинго. И вы и я — единственные люди, которые знаем.

Это огромное. Если Антони Уэлби жив, мы должны пройти его до того, как кто-то еще его пройдет. Если мы пройдем, то наше будущее в этой агентстве выглядит очень ярким. Вы еще не сказали, почему Уэлби — огромное дело. Антони Уэлби — мирный пират. Мы специально слушаем этих двух идиотов. И, наконец-то, что-то существенное. Почему Велби такой большой? Антони Велби — это пианисты мира.

Месяцами слушаем этих двух идиотов, и наконец-то что-то существенное. Они знают про Антони Велби и планы для Cyborg? Нам сообщить Михайлу? Нет, нет, нет. Нет, пока не надо. Мы должны выяснить, что именно им надо. Поэтому давай продолжать слушать. Согласен. Революционная обследование. Боже мой. Поэтому давай продолжать слушать. Согласен. Just let's keep listening and then try to find out what really happened. Yes.

All I'm saying is, do you seriously think the military and intelligence agencies give a fly's fart about any of this? They do. So what's the grand idea, hmm? Recruiting an army of bloodthirsty mosquitoes? That would be silly. You, you think? Can you make me disappear? Can you fake my death? Only once you've told me why the Secret Services are after you. They're interested in bugs.

Ha! You're getting the hang of this. Of what? Jokes. I made a joke. They're interested in bugs, yes, that's true. But not your kind of bugs. You're wrong. Explain.

I told you how ubiquitous insects are. How tiny, how adept at camouflage. There are probably around a hundred insects in this room right now, and chances are you haven't noticed a single one. Hmm. Continue. I told you how fast insects are, how agile. An insect can move within inches of a person without being detected. Is this going where I think it's going?

Mobile, self-powered, and inconspicuous. You didn't. Impossible. What better way to be a fly on the wall than to be a fly on the wall? You bugged bugs. They hired me to conduct research into insect-based surveillance. And your work was successful? Not at first. They wanted to build a miniature flying robot modelled on a fly. They got me in to explain how flies convert biological energy into flight, but all their attempts at imitating the complexity of millions of years of evolution failed. So I made a different suggestion. What did you suggest? Using actual flies. Well, hit me over

the head with a shillelagh. How did you do that? By taking advantage of the insect's natural healing mechanism. I inserted a microchip into a larva, then, during metamorphosis, the insect reorganised its nervous system, intertwining its nerves and muscles with the circuit. I could now transmit signals to the chip and control the insect's behaviour. In other words, I created the world's first... Cybug. Well, I'm going to need some more cocoa. Top up. В других словах, я создал первый... Сайбаг. Ну, мне нужно больше кокоса.

Топ-ап? Да. Келлс просто запахнул. Больше кофе. Ну что, я думаю, надо выпить водочки, а? Михаил нами очень будет доволен. Я никогда не отказываюсь от водки. Давай.

Ну, за отличную работу. Я просто надеюсь, что этот кофе будет больше пищи водки. Давай. Ну, за отличную работу. think to overthink. So while you may be spiraling over double texting your crush, whether your skincare routine is working because you look the same or is doing nothing because you look the same and whatever the heck red light therapy is, it's definitely not that. Don't overthink how you hydrate. Life's full of choices. Smart water is a simple one. Please, continue your story. The Cybug has the potential to revolutionize surveillance. It can be kitted out with microphones, sensors, or cameras, and it can keep going for months, maybe even years. The Cybug's devices aren't powered by batteries, but by converting the heat and energy generated by the insect. It's a completely self-contained system.

So the cybug makes drones history? It's smaller, swifter, and practically impossible to detect. Which is why the race is on. The future of espionage belongs to the first nation to employ cybugs. You're working for MI5. I'm hiding from MI5. Why? I told MI5 I'd made a breakthrough, but before presenting

my first cybug to them, I wanted to make sure it functioned correctly, so I took it out for a spin. Where did you take it? Shaftesbury Avenue. Listened in on tourists, bankers, policemen, couples and hen parties. It worked a treat. Then I decided to up the stakes and directed the cybug toward Downing Street. Flip me like a pancake! You flew the cybug into Number 10? No. Before I got there, I lost control of it. Oh. Oh!

It stopped reacting to the signals and all of a sudden it was gone. Do you think it regained its independence and flew away? I very much doubt that. The bug's connection with its bioelectromechanical interface was deeply embedded. So, what's your explanation? Someone hacked into it. Who? I don't know that.

All I know is that someone took control of the cybug and stole it. Have you told MI5? I just lost £50 million worth of top-secret surveillance technology, and who's to say I didn't sell it to the North Koreans? It's not like they haven't been making offers. The North Koreans, the Saudis, the Israelis, the Scottish, the Chinese. It's only a matter of time before they take me by force. If MI5 doesn't take care of me first...

Nobody's going to touch you, Ant. Relax. You're with Amelia now. Right. Let's tell Northcott right away. Let's finish the tape first. She needs to hear this. You know what she'll do, right? Send in an armed response team right away? Yes.

Well, it's time. Let's just finish the tape first. Fine. I need you to kill me. Tell me, what's the deadliest insect in the world? The driver ant. An ant? Seriously? I was thinking more like a scorpion, a cockroach, a hornet or a black widow... A black widow? That's not even an insect. Spiders are arachnids. So, an ant, you say? Believe me, you don't want to cross paths with a driver ant. The toxin's in their mandibles. Even elephants run away from them. Goodness. Imagine a cyborg driver ant.

Terrifying. There could be more to the militarisation of insects than just eavesdropping. Assassination? Sniffing out explosives? The possibilities are endless. Okay, here's how this will work. You're going to hold a lecture on driver ants for the International Union for the Study of Insects. A specimen will escape and hack into you with its toxic mandibles. You'll drop dead. The world's leading coleopterologists, lepidopterologists, hemipterologists, trichopterologists and vespologists will all be there to witness it.

A driver ant bite is no joke. Don't worry. We'll administer the antidote as soon as you're in the van and out of sight of your colleagues. That could work. It will work. Now, how would you like to resurface? Somewhere I won't be bothered by humans. Somewhere I can go about my research quietly. Somewhere with only insects as company.

Oh, okay, yes, I've got just the place for you. It's a remote spot in Russia. There's a hut, a forest to pick berries, and a stream to fish in. It'll be a simple life, but you'll be undisturbed. Perfect. Have you heard of Amarisius duplicatus? Who hasn't? It's a long-horned beetle, almost extinct, but the last remaining specimens are said to be found in Russia. It'll be my mission to track them down.

Perfect. We'll send you off in style with a bottle of our finest Vouv Clicquot. But just before we do that, one last question. Yes? What are you going to do that, one last question. Yes? What are you going to do with the plans for the cyborg? Burn them. No. No? Amelia gets the plans.

What? Payment for your disappearance. You don't want those plans, believe me. Oh, but we do. You'll get yourselves into all sorts of trouble. We can handle it. You don't know what you're getting yourselves into. It's very simple, Ant.

You give us the plans and we take care of your disappearance. You don't, and you're on your own. Do we have a deal? You're making a big mistake. Do we have a deal? Yes. Excellent choice. What was the name of that long-horned beetle?

Amarisius duplicatus. Then that's what we should toast to. Amarisius duplicatus. Amarisius duplicatus. We need those plants. Yeah, you're right. We can't put this off any longer. It's time we paid Amelia a visit.

Ready or not, here we come. We're about to find out what that cocoa really tastes like. Oh, Cole, watch out. What? A mosquito. Where? There. There, on your right cheek.

Swat it. Damn, I didn't get it. Oh, there it is. Look. Blyat, blyat, blyat! Oi, oi, oi! Что теперь делать-то? Нет! Нет!

Блина! This episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne. It was directed by Philip Thorne and Einstein Breger with music and sound design by Frederick Bardle. He won't care when he finds out that they broke the cyborg. You tell Mikhail. No, no, you tell Mikhail. You tell Mikhail. You tell Mikhail. Fuck, fuck, fuck. What did he say? Did he say Anthony Welby?

Yes, he's not dead. Impossible. The Iranians know where the plans for the cyborg are. They're in London. Who else knows about this? The Russians. We have to get there before the Iranians and the Russians. And most importantly, before the NSA. Can you imagine if they stole our thunder on this?

Who do we have on the ground in London? Williams and Lopez. Get them on the line. Ask them what they know about the Amelia Project. The Amelia Project. Ach, du Scheiße! Was los? Hey, wen gehst du?

London! Wir müssen uns beeilen! Erinnerst dich an die Amelia Project? Hm? Waren das nicht die... mit dem Kakao? Sie haben Anthony Welby sind...

Till when? Till when? Granda! McGinney with bow ties. Moaner with maur. But on the right can weγάλες. Μόνος μου είναι ο Μαουρ. Με τον Ιλίας είναι ένα μαπ. Φίλοι μου είναι φίλοι μου. Με τον Ιλίας είναι πανάγμα. Μαλάκες! Το κέρατο μου μέσα! Γύβια! Τα έχετε κάνει να το μπουρδέλω!

Αστο διάλογο πια! Πάρε μου τον Ηλίας στο τηλέφωνο! Χρειαζόμαστε κάποιον να πάει στο Λονδίνο! Είναι επίγον! Ακούς τι σου λέω! Είναι επίγον! Pete. Pete. What is it? The Greeks have got intel on Anthony Welby. Anthony Welby? He's dead. Not according to the Greeks.

You gotta be bullshitting me. All I know is that the Greeks are on their way to London to pay a visit to... The Amelia Project. It's about Welby and they seem excited. Let's monitor them. Yeah, we don't want the CIA snatching us. God damn it. All of our people from London on the line right now.

They have to get on with the Amelia Project. Amelia Project is holding on to... Dimash? Dimash? I'm Amelia Project. Mike, clear my schedule for the next two days. I'm going to London. We need to check out whatever the hell this Amelia project is. Mierda! Comuniquémonos con nuestro personal en Londres, ya.

Necesitan decir... Alex Scott Fairley as Ant. Benjamin Noble as Agent Haynes. Torgny G. Ondero as Agent Cole, Valentina Alekseva and Mark Vertlib as the Russian agents, Amir Mitzei as the Iranian agent, Erin King and T.H. Ponders as CIA agents, Kesi Rilinicki and Carolyn Motarola as German agents, Nerys Howell as the Welsh agent, Antigone Spanu as the Greek agent, Anthony Olivieri and Gavin Garis You heard Julia Morizawa on the Answerphone.

The episode was produced by Imploding Fictions. It was recorded by Battlebird Productions London and Spike City Studios Oslo with studio engineering by Hedley Knights and Robert Rustad Amundsen. All graphic design for the Amelia project is by Anders Pedersen. Thank you to our super patrons, Kati Zindelaar and Sophia Anderson. This episode was dedicated to Sophia, who works in cyber security and is no doubt deeply involved in cybug experimentation. Check out AmeliaPodcast.com for more info on the team, links to our Patreon, Amelia Project merchandise and more.

And follow us on Twitter at Amelia underscore podcast for the latest Amelia news. See you in two weeks time for the season two finale. The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish. Greetings, fans of the esoteric, and welcome to the trailer for Madame Magenta Sonnus Mystica. Hang on, why am I doing my own trailer? Well, the people want to see their star, my dear. No one can see me, Bernard. This is a podcast.

Oh. You know what? I should have that deep voice chap doing this. You know the one. What's his name? Oh, the, um... The strange name. Yes. Like a fruit.

Red Pepper, yes. Yes. In a world where something, something, something... That's the one. Oh, it's quite sexy, Bernard. Save that for later. I'm not sure I can keep it up. You've never had a problem before?

Oh, yes. That was a very clever joke. Yes. I am a very turgid man. You are. I'm going to make a cup of tea. You do the trailer. Oh, right, you are. In a world... Earl Grey or normal? Earl Grey, please. In a world

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Uh, psychic medium... My throat. Oh, uh, Magenta, I can't do this anymore. Bernard, you won't get nodules. You're not Adele. Well, actually, interestingly enough, that wasn't nodules. That was an exploding polyp. Oh, God. Can you imagine that? Exploding polyp.

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