The Amelia Project - Episode 22 - Richard - Season 2 Finale

Episode Date: November 1, 2019

“I always obey the dice.” Episode 22, Season 2 Finale. With: Alan Burgon, Julia C. Thorne, Thomas Judd, Benjamin Noble, Torgny G. Aanderaa and Julia Morizawa. Written by Philip Thorne. Directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein U. Brager. Music and sound design by Fredrik S. Baden. For full credits see our website. Read about our cross over live show with We Fix Space Junk at London Podcast Festival Presents… Audio Drama. Read about PodUK in Birmingham 2020. The Amelia Project is an audio fiction series. We recommend starting at the beginning. Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. If you’re not comfortable with this, stop listening. Now. The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network. Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partners Website: ameliapodcast.com Twitter: @amelia_podcast Patreon: patreon.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Summer's here, and you can now get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? You can't get a well-groomed lawn delivered, but you can get chicken parmesan delivered. Sunshine? No. Some wine? Yes. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol in select markets. See app for details.

When it comes to Smart Water Alkaline 9.5 plus pH with antioxidant, there's nothing to overthink. So, while you may be performing mental gymnastics over whether the post-work gym crowd is worth it, if you'll be able to find a spot for your yoga mat, or if that spin instructor will make you late for dinner again, don't overthink how you hydrate. Life's full of choices. Smart Water Alkaline is a simple one. It's a simple one. Hello, and here we are, the season two finale.

Thank you for being the best audience any podcast creator could wish for. Your tweets, reviews, messages and pieces of fan art inspire us and make us want to keep going. We would also like to say another big thank you to two people without whom we could not have made this season. Beth Crane and Hedley Knights of Battlebird Productions. A good chunk of this season was recorded in their home studio and we basically took over their home for two entire days. Beth and Hedley are kind, creative and funny, and we're so lucky that they gave us this opportunity to record with them. If you haven't checked out their show, We Fix Space Junk, please, please do. It's one of my personal favourites, and if you enjoy the Amelia Project humour, I'm sure you'll enjoy Samantha and Kilner's banter as they hurtle

through space, fixing things. And now, it's time for the final episode of the season. Congratulations, you've reached the Amelia Project. This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up. Now. You sure about this? If you hesitated, do not proceed. Still there? If you continue, there's no way back.

The choice is yours. Good choice. A new life awaits. You'll hear back from us within the hour. If you do not hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. Hello. Agent Haynes. MI5.

We've got the tapes. We know everything. Fraud. Theft. Fabrication of false evidence. Harboring fugitives. performing surgery without license, eavesdropping, kidnapping, destruction of cultural heritage, trespassing, forgery, treason. I could go on. I have three pages of charges here. We're looking at a life sentence at Ascombe Grange. Our armed response team is waiting outside in a van.

But there's a way out. Information in return for freedom. If you hand over everything, tapes, files, contact lists, accounts, minutes, memos, transcripts, blueprints, if you give us the exact identities and locations of all your clients, then we let you walk free. Nobody will ever know Amelia existed. Call me and we'll cancel the raid and give you directions to a safe house. If you don't call, we'll give our men the go-ahead. You have one hour to accept my offer.

The choice is yours. Thank you. Say something. Say something. You know, the corner shop has finally stopped up on Maltesers I mean, I've only been telling them for like nine years I'm serious What are we going to do? They're bluffing A box of tapes is missing, we know that They don't know where the offices are

That's not on any of the tapes Are you sure? Listen What? Listen I can't hear anything Exactly That's not on any of the tapes. Are you sure? Listen. What? Listen. I can't hear anything. Exactly. If they knew where we were, they'd be knocking the door down.

So, all this talk of a deal... Is a ploy. They want to get us out of the office. I hope you're right. Hello? I've been waiting for over an hour. Oh, it's okay. It's just my next client. One more moment, please.

All right, let's backtrack. The box went missing after you interviewed the burglars. Tara and Lily. Which means they probably stole it. Let's say they were working for MI5 and brought the box straight to them. Yes. They can lead MI5 and brought the box straight to them. Yes? They can lead MI5 to us. I sent them zigzagging up and down the country.

Then Joey picked them up in the van, blacked out the windows, blindfolded them and put a sock over their heads. No way they can locate us. So you think we should just stay put? I do. Do you know what I think? I think... we should call Amelia.

She doesn't like to be disturbed. Yes, but this is important. She's not in her office. Well, then call her. Very well. Amelia! Ah. You've already heard.

Of course. Yes. No. Of course. Yes. No. Right here. She's on her way back from the morgue. She'll be here in twenty minutes. What do we do until then? Twenty minutes gives me just enough time to interview the next client.

Seriously? Now? We'll discuss strategy once Amelia gets here. In the meantime, keep calm and carry on, Alvina. By the way, who is the next client? Here's the case file. Are you ever going to read them? Not like that, I'm not.

He's ready for you now, Mr Reynolds. Welcome, welcome. Sorry for the delay, Mr Reynolds. Welcome, welcome. Sorry for the delay. Bit of a day, this. Oh, well. Tinkity-tonk, take a seat. Let's get down to business. Your name is... Richard Reynolds?

Yes. Profession? This week I've been a living statue in Covent Garden, a chef in a soup kitchen, and a freelance IT consultant. I don't know yet what I'll do tomorrow. Well, spit in my tea and call me a flea. You're quite the Renaissance man. Excuse me for the chaos, by the way.

Oh, I like chaos. I haven't even offered you cocoa. Would you like cocoa? Yes, please. With whipped cream? No, thank you. Um, did you just let the dice decide? Yes. How odd.

This year all my decisions have been made by throwing dice. Would you like a bit of washing up liquid in that cocoa? I'm joking. No thanks. You'd never have let me put washing up liquid in your cocoa. If I'd rolled a one or a two, then yes. No way. What did you just write? One or two, accept offer. Three or four, decline offer. Five or six, ask for pure washing-up liquid. You're having me on.

Nope. I always obey the dice. And if they tell you to jump out of the window? Oh. What? Looks like I'm going to have to... Sit back down! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Joey Salvatore, quick! Put him in the chair. Attach him. Tie him down. I need my dice hand free.

Okay, free the right hand. Thank you, Joey. Thank you, Salvatore. Now. Look. I know why you're here. You do? I don't know how they're doing it,

but I know someone's playing you. You're being forced to follow the decisions of the dice and want to escape this twisted game. Am I right? Am I right? Come on, you can tell me. This is a safe place. They won't know. What are you writing?

No. No? Nobody's playing me. Then why... What did you just write down? Even number, tell the truth. Odd number, lie. So you're lying.

No, I'm not. I don't believe you. You should. Why? Because I threw a six. I'm doing this of my own free will. Ha! What? Free will? I don't get the joke. You threw a six. I'm doing this of my own free will. Ha! What?

Free will? I don't get the joke. You're a slave! A slave to the dice! I'm freer than you. I doubt that very much. When did you get up this morning? Eight o'clock. Why? Good question.

What? Why? Why did I get up at eight o'clock? Yes. Because... Because that's the time I get up. What's this got to do with you and... I got up at 3am.

Okay. Then I went for a long jog while the city was still asleep, did my weekly shop at an all-night Tesco's, and was out in time to see the sunrise. You're an early bird. Not really. Yesterday I got up at four in the afternoon. I had a Victoria sponge for breakfast and washed it down with a couple of mojitos.

What's your point? You're tied to routine. I'm not. Because I tend to get up at the same time. It's not just that. Where did you go on your last holiday? Florence. Hmm. I went to Okunoshima.

You have no idea where that is, do you? Japan, I suppose. Yes. Small island inhabited mostly by rabbits. Well, I've never heard of... Of course not. No one has. Pity, though. It's a stunning place. I got the coordinates by rolling the dice. Yes. But you could just as well have ended up in Damascus or Baghdad.

I know. Exciting, isn't it? How did you travel to Florence? By plane. Thought so. You're going to tell me you swam to Okinawatsit, aren't you? That was one of the options. But in fact the dice decided I build a raft. Of course. What did you eat in Florence? Well, they have very good

pizza. I had fish sperm on a kunashima. Oh, that sounds disgusting. It is. I also had a curry donut. Sounds... It's actually surprisingly good. I was going to say, it sounds rather good. You're a man trapped by his habits. I've learned to suppress my own will and follow the will of the dice. I'm free. Free to go beyond the limits imposed on me by my personality. There's so much more to the world than Florence and pizza, you know. Yes, but if I wanted... If I limited myself to what I wanted, I'd have denied myself a whole range of experiences. I'd never have eaten curry doughnuts, hung out with evangelical preachers, gone hang gliding or read Belarusian poetry.

I try not to be limited by my own free will. You... you don't want to be in control? Absolutely not. It's restrictive. But if you're in control, you can choose whatever you want. In theory, yes. In practice, you choose from a very limited set of options. The things you know and are comfortable with. I can choose to challenge myself. Yes, but do you? Well, stir-fry my guts and scramble my nuts. My Monday just got even weirder. Do you want to try it? What? Dicing. I'm not sure that's a good thing. Oh, go on. You're curious. I can see you are.

It does sound exciting. Tell me six things you want to do but have never got around to. Really? Yes. Let's do this. Number one. Okay. Take ocarina lessons. Ocarina lessons. Very good.

Next? Finish my book of limericks. Finish limericks. Next? Grow a walrus moustache and wear a monocle. Moustache and monocle. Excellent. For the last three, push yourself out of your comfort zone.

Think of things you're tempted by but have never dared to do. There is one thing. Yes? Peeing off the Eiffel Tower. Great. You're seriously putting that down? Of course. That thought is part of you. The only reason you don't let it out is because you're trapped by your personality. The personality I've chosen is trapping me? Well, I'd say the personality that's been imposed on you by society, but essentially, yes. Doesn't it feel good to write it down? More.

Harpoon my neighbour's obnoxious bulldog. Terminate bulldog. Good. Last one. Hire a hooker to give me a blowjob while drinking Serendipity's hot chocolate with marshmallows, white chocolate shavings and a splash of vanilla. There. Done. You're right. It feels good, doesn't it?

And the best bit's still to come. The best bit? After you've sworn allegiance to the dice, you're off the hook. Whatever you do, it's not you who decided to do it. You're just following the dice. But what if I throw a... You can blame the dice. I'm not sure I can do that.

It's hard at first. Your personality is always trying to boss you around. But once you manage to crush your personal will and follow the dice, you feel so happy and liberated and free. You're happy? I'm living in full-on cyclorama technicolor with the sound booming out of the speakers at 100 decibels. Before the dice, I was set in my ways and living a life of habit and routine. Now I talk to strangers, scare myself, explore and have fun. My life before was boring.

I hate boredom. Then the dice life is for you, my friend. Ready? Um... Repeat after me. I solemnly swear to obey the dice. I'm not sure I can... Rubbish! Part of you's not sure. The part that's been ordered around by society and culture for far too long.

The other parts are screaming with excitement. Those are the parts I want to set free. Well, kiss a skunk and piss on a punk, I'm doing this. I solemnly swear to obey the dice. I solemnly swear to obey the dice. With Smartwater's pure, crisp taste, there's nothing to overthink. So while you may be spiraling over double texting your crush, whether your skincare routine is working because you look the same or is doing nothing because you look the same

and whatever the heck red light therapy is, it's definitely not that. Don't overthink how you hydrate. It's definitely not that. Don't overthink how you hydrate. Life's full of choices. Smart water is a simple one. Someone's going to get a very nasty surprise at the bottom

of the Eiffel Tower. Richard, there's one thing I don't understand. If you're happy, why come to Amelia? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That's what the world thinks. It will take a while for people to catch up. In the meantime, they'll call you crazy and dangerous. That's exactly it. Tell me how you got in trouble, and it will be my pleasure to help. I woke up at 6 a.m., and the dice decided I needed a cider. I didn't have any cider, so, still in my pyjamas, I broke into the corner shop. I put a couple of ciders into a bag, then heard footsteps coming down from the flat upstairs. I hid behind the counter and rolled the dice. If I rolled a one or two, I'd give myself up. A three or four, I'd try to escape. A five or six, I'd silence this person. I threw a six. Ah. As soon as the person got near the counter, I jumped out and put the

bag over her head. It was the shopkeeper's daughter. got near the counter, I jumped out and put the bag over her head. It was the shopkeeper's daughter. I asked the dice if I should leave her in the shop or take her with me. The dice decided I should take her with me. So I took her to the car and the dice told me to drive north. I gave myself six options for what to do with her. Take her to the cinema, drop her off at a police station, dump her in a ditch, make out with her, put her on a coach

to Luton, or feed her to the lions at London Zoo. The dice decided on the lions. Ah. We arrived at London Zoo. I tied her arms behind her back and put gaffer tape on her mouth so she couldn't scream, and we pushed through all the school kids to the lion cage. We didn't even get past the gift shop before this big bloke rugby tackles me. I get straight back up and dash for the exit, but three or four guys follow me. I manage to shake them off, but the CCTV footage of me dragging that girl into the zoo in my pyjamas was played on the news, and now everyone's after me. Will you help me disappear? I don't know yet. Do you feel remorse?

Yes. Are you telling remorse? Yes. Are you telling the truth or lying? Telling the truth. As long as it's a voluntary disappearance, we're not really supposed to let ethics interfere with decisions on whether or not to take on clients. So how will you decide? Like this. Congratulations, Richard. Amelia is taking on your case.

Thank you so much. Not my decision. Normally, this is the point when I ask how you'd like to die and reappear. But in your case, I think you'd better start making a list. Of course. Done. Let's go. A three. Let's go. A three. Let's see. Crucifixion. Blimey.

It's been a while since we've done one of those. What do you want to reappear as? Five. That's... Optician. Good. That just leaves us with a location for your reappearance. Let's get the coordinates. 51.4 north, 0.1 east.

You know, given that 72% of the Earth's surface is water, it's very likely to be in the middle of the ocean. Great. We'll make it the nearest island, then. I love islands, and I've become a master raft builder. Let me just check on the googly maps. Pesky computers. Ah, got it. Oh. Oh.

What? I'm so sorry. It's a war zone, isn't it? I don't mind. It's all part of the excitement. No. It's Sidcup. What? I'm so sorry. It's a war zone, isn't it? I don't mind. It's all part of the excitement. No. It's Sidcup. What? Look. Oh.

Sidcup. So, now that that's settled, time for a toast. Hey, what are you doing? Options for the toast. No, no, no, no, Richard. When it comes to fine beverages, dicing goes one step too far. I have a bottle of Veuve Clicquot waiting and I refuse to drink washing-up liquid. Chamomile tea. Salvatore, two chamomile teas, please.

What's wrong? Nothing, Salvatore. Are you sick? I'm fine. Should I call the doctor? Just get that damned chamomile teas. Si, si, si, tranquilo. Well, if you're ever in the Sidcup area... Oh, I'll be sure not to go to

the opticians. Due chamomile teas, prego. Blimmin' heck, that was fast. Salvatore can whip up a double-shot extra-hot white chocolate mocha with caramel drizzle cinnamon and peppermint sprinkles in less than 30 seconds. Are you sure you want to stick with the chamomile tea? Quite sure. Thank you, Salvatore.

Well, in that case, to your new life in Sidcup. To Sidcup. To Sidcup. Oh, God. Would you mind removing the handcuffs now? Certainly. Ah! Wait!

Joey, there's a new corpse for Kozlowski in the pavement just outside. Would you mind bringing it into the basement right away? Thank you. Alvina? Yes, he's gone. You can come into my office. Oh, she's arrived. Good. What do you mean, am I sure he's gone?

Of course I'm... Well, he didn't exactly exit the normal way. See you in a jiffy. Ah, would you like to finish my chamomile tea? Why are you drinking chamomile tea? It's soothing. Here she comes. Amelia, good to see you. Chamomile tea?

Ugh. I'll take that as a no. We have to call them. Even if they haven't located us yet. It's only a matter of time before they do. They know too much already. It's a ploy. Maybe not. Maybe they really are offering a deal. It's a trap. We shouldn't respond. What do you think, Amelia? There's a third option. What's that? There's been enough information leaking from this office, and if Anthony Welby has taught us anything, it's that you never's been enough information leaking from this office,

and if Anthony Welby has taught us anything, it's that you never know who's listening in. No more words. I'll put it in writing. Interesting. Here's what we do. One or two, we go with Alvina. Three or four, we go with my option.

Five or six, we go with Amelia. Ready? Ready. Ready. Ready. Thank you. This episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne. It was directed by Philip Thorne and Einstein Breger, with music and sound design by Frederick Barden. It featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Julia Thorne as Alvina, Thomas Judd as Richard, Benjamin Noble as Agent Haynes, Gianluca Yumiento as Joey,

Ravdeep Singh Bajwa as Salvatore, and Julia Morizawa as Amelia. The episode was produced by Imploding Fictions. It was recorded at Battlebird Productions London, Nitro Studios Oslo, and Torngeber Studios Vienna, with studio engineering by Headley Knights and Gabriel Geber. All graphic design for the Amelia project is by Anders Pedersen. A great big thank you to Katarina Zindela and Sophia Anderson for your support. For Amelia Project updates, follow us on Twitter at Amelia underscore podcast.

And if you search the hashtag Amelia anecdote, you'll find all sorts of pictures, videos and behind the scenes stories from the recording of this season. This is Alan from The Amelia Project, otherwise known to you as The Interviewer. Congratulations and commiserations for reaching the end of season two of The Amelia Project. Thank you so, so much for listening. And Alan, we should tell the listeners where we are right now. Yes, I feel glued to the seat after spending two whole days in the studio here

in the Bridge Studio London, where we have just reached the end of the first recording block for season three. That's right, you heard correctly. Season three. Season three is in the works and it picks up right where season two leaves off. And we want to get it to you as soon as possible. It's a very ambitious season and it will still take quite a bit of work. You can help us speed up the process by becoming a patron. You can choose an amount, $1, $2, $5, whatever seems fair to you, whatever you think that an Amelia Project

episode is worth, which you pledge every time a new episode comes out. We do not charge while we're off air, so it's only when new content comes out for every new episode and the proceeds go towards paying actors and paying for studios covering our production costs and there are also lots of perks to choose from such as all of the mini-sodes for season two. Yes season three is going to be so exciting and really it comes out, you're going to love the way that this podcast is going. But if you cannot wait, then we have a live show coming up at the King's Place in London on the 30th of November 2019 at 4.30pm.

Tickets can be bought via the King's Place website or via the Amelia Project website. Yes, there's a link at ameliapodcast.com or directly via the King's Place website. Yes, there's a link at ameliapodcast.com or directly via the King's Place website. Yes, and we'll be sharing the stage with some old friends of ours, people that we've recorded with in the past. We Fix Space Junk.

It will be a double bill between us and We Fix Space Junk. Very exciting. And we will also be performing at Pod UK in Birmingham on the 1st of February 2020. So lots of exciting things to look forward to. As always, thank you for your listenership. We appreciate it. We love your comments and your posts, your likes and your shares.

Please keep it coming. Thank you so, so much and we hope we'll be back soon. Toodaloo. Take care. And if you're in Oslo, we have something else coming up. Pip? Yes, I've forgotten the date and information for that.

Oh, shit, that was why. Birmingham, Birmingham, yeah. Oh, God, it's been a long day. And it's King's Place. King's Place, what did I say, Palace? Palace, yeah. Outtakes. The Fable and Folly Network where fiction producers flourish

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