The Amelia Project - Episode 24 - Phil & Amber - LIVE SHOW - Valentine's Day Special

Episode Date: February 14, 2020

“There was no need to drag Pancake into this!” Episode 24, Season 2. With: Alan Burgon, Julia C. Thorne, Emily Stride and Felix Trench. Written by Philip Thorne. Directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein U. Brager. Music and sound design by Fredrik S. Baden. For full credits see our website. The episode was recorded live at PodUK 2020 at Milliennium Point in Birmingham. Happy Valentine's Day from the Amelia team! The Amelia Project is an audio fiction series. We recommend starting at the beginning. Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. If you’re not comfortable with this, stop listening. Now. The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network. Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partners Website: ameliapodcast.com Twitter: @amelia_podcast Patreon: patreon.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Seth and Riley's Garage Hard Lemonade. A delicious classic with a vibrant taste of fresh lemons. The perfect balance of sweet and sour with a crisp, zesty edge. Welcome to The Garage, the place of refreshing hard lemonade. Available at the LCBO. Must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Put your hands together for Lady Raven. Dad, thank you. This is literally the best day of my life on august 2nd what's with all the police trucks outside you know the butcher goes around just chopping people up comes a new m night shamalan experience the feds heard he's gonna be here today josh hartnett i'm in control. And Salika as Lady Raven.

This whole concert, it's a trap. Trap, directed by M. Night Shyamalan. Only in theatres August 2nd. Hello, dear Amelia listeners. We are in Birmingham at Pod UK, the UK's only podcasting fan convention, which takes place once a year. And this year they've invited us to perform a live show. So you can hear people coming

into the auditorium. Anyway, this is our first Pod UK and we're having an absolutely wonderful time. We've met Amelia listeners from all over the world, from the US, from all over Europe. And we've also met our colleagues from We're Alive and King Falls AM, which has been absolutely wonderful and inspiring. We're being called up. Better go. Please welcome to the stage, the Amelia Project. stage the Amelia Project. Hello and welcome to our live show and in fact this is not just a live show this is a live recording. So today we are performing a brand new episode of the Amelia Project, which will be coming out on our feed in a few weeks' time. So I think we should probably just make some noise to make sure that the people listening to this in Texas and Madrid and Sydney and wherever else in the gym or in their kitchens or on their commute

know that this is actually being performed live in front of a wonderful audience. Okay so if everybody can just after me after I count to three we all just say Coco together at the top of your voice okay are you ready for that? One, two, three Coco! Amazing, brilliant, thank you so much. Okay and one more thing to say before we start, this episode is dedicated to our wonderful patron Steve Meehan who is in the audience here tonight so a big round of applause for Steve! And now without further ado, it is time for the new... Oh, we've just got some more audience coming, so let's just wait for everyone to come in.

Hello. Welcome, everybody. The slower you walk, the faster we're going to have to act, so... Just kidding. Take your time. For the new people who've just come in, because community is very important to us, so we've just done this little thing. Everybody's just got up and briefly talked a little bit about themselves.

Like an emotional experience. Okay, is everybody... Everybody's here? Cool, I think we should do the Coco thing again with everybody once everybody's in their seats. Oh, more people? Come on in, welcome! Alright, another warm up so everybody can be part of that. There's a sailor coming in! On three. I think this time we should say Verve Clicquot, just to kind of up the stakes a little bit. Are you ready?

One, two, three. Verve Clicquot! Oh, and a shout out to the gentleman just up there. That pronunciation was excellent. Okay, so yes, without further ado, let's pass it over to our lovely actors, Alan Bergen, Emily Stride, Felix Trench, who just got here in the nick of time. He was in Brussels this morning

and on a delayed Eurostar. Made it just in time. And Julia Thorne. Hope that you enjoy this brand new episode of The Amelia Project. Congratulations. You've reached The Emilio Project. This phone call isn't happening.

If you're not serious about this, hang up. Now. You sure about this? If you hesitated, do not proceed. Still there? If you continue, there's no way back. do not proceed. Still there? If you continue, there's no way back.

The choice is yours. Good choice. A new life awaits. You'll hear back from us within the hour. If you do not hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the hour. If you do not hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. Amber Ainsworth. Phil Smith. We need your services, urgently. How quickly can this be done? It's urgent. I already said that. What? I already said

it's urgent. I was just saying. I'll handle this, Phil. I was just. You've done enough damage for today. Sorry about that. Um, yes. We need your services. How quickly can this be done? She's rich. She can pay. Call us. Call us. Thank you. Phil Smith and Amber Ainsworth. Nice to meet you. Can I offer you some cocoa? Cocoa?

Yes, please. You sure, Phil? Sorry? It's just, you have enough trouble pouring yourself into those jeans as it is. Go suck on a kale lollipop, you stick insect. Go sizzle in a deep fat fryer, you lard muffin. My my, let's keep things civil. Are you sure you won't join us for a cocoa, Amber?

It's from Les Du Margot. Is it organic? Yes, go on. Roll your eyes, Phil. You might just find a brain back there. She's going to ask if she can have it chocolate and dairy-free next. Can I have it with cream? What? And marshmallows. Cream and marshmallows, certainly.

I'll have mine with Smarties. Could I get a glazed cherry? Caramel sauce. Maple syrup. Custard! A melted candy cane. Five scoops of butterscotch ice cream. Hmm.

Interesting. Salvatore, three cocos with cream, marshmallows, Smarties, glazed cherries, caramel sauce, maple syrup, custard, a melted candy cane and butterscotch ice cream, please. Now, what brings you to Amelia? Go on, Phil. Tell him what you did. What I did? You started it. I started it?

Yes, you left your phone on. What were you doing looking at my... Stop. Both of you. I've got an idea. How about a minute of silence to clear the air? But we need to... Or I can't proceed with this interview.

Very well. A minute of silence, starting now. Shh. What? Shh. I'm not saying anything. Shh. Shh.

We're going to have to start again. This is silly. We really have to do this. A minute of silence starting now. Oh, for goodness sake! Sorry, he provoked me. He was sticking his tongue out at me. Sorry, he provoked me.

He was sticking his tongue out at me. Really, he provoked me. He was sticking his tongue out at me. Really, Phil, that's a bit childish, even for you. Really, Phil, that's a bit childish, even for you. Hello, my name is Phil and I'm a stinking sack of Siberian sheep shit. Oh, for goodness sake. I think you're being clever. You know what? You're about as clever as a... cumquat. A cumquat?

Oh, my God. Did he just say cumquat? So? Cumquat. You could have said dumber than a box of rocks or dumber than a lobotomised flea, but no Phil opts for

dumber than a cumquat. Toss but no Phil opts for dumber than a kumquat. Tosser. What are you doing? Oh, um, clearing away scissors, staplers and letter openers. I'm fond of this rug and I don't want any bloodstains. Now, we're going to start this session again. What do you mean? You're going to leave my office.

But we've only just come in. You're going to leave my office. But we've only just come in. You're going to leave my office and go back to the waiting room. I'm going to light a scented candle and put on a soothing tape of water and birdsong. When I'm ready, you come back. I'll offer you some cocoa and you'll accept. You'll drink the cocoa.

Let it rinse the bitterness out of you and we'll continue this interview in an orderly fashion. Now, out you haul. Well, can't we just stay? Out! Out! You can come back in. Oh, it's you.

Why are you turning your office into a spa? I'm creating a soothing environment for my clients. Well, switch it off. What can I do for you, Alvina? Oh, I just wanted to ask why there's a man and a woman in our waiting room hitting each other with sofa cushions. As long as it's just cushions. They're really going for it, though. I've got it under control. You sure?

Alvina, I've dealt with mad mimes and mafia bosses. I'd send in Joey and Salvatore, but they're unloading replacement corpses from the van. Kozlovsky needs to start working on the ferns with his appearance right away. I'll be fine, Alvina. You can tell Phil and Dan that they can come back in. Okie dokie. See you tonight. Tonight?

Yes. Scrabble. Oh. What? You know what day it is, right? Friday. Scrabble Day. The 14th of February?

Um, okay. Valentine's Day! Oh. You've got plans. Well, you know that demolition expert who helped us out with the Bertwitz others' appearance? No. Oh, of course you do. Tall guy, blonde, curly hair, brown eyes, light beard. All right, all right. Well, he gave me his number. Alvina, I'm very busy. I'm in the middle of an interview. Oh, okay. Oh, I brought you a thermos of cocoa. I thought

since Salvatore is busy with the corpses, you might need some... Put it on my desk and tell Phil and Amber to come in. I haven't got all day. Okay. Good luck. Because the Skip app saves you so much time by delivering stuff like your favorite cool treats, groceries, and bevvies, you get to spend the summer doing what you really want. Like successfully cutting your jeans into jorts.

Shipping the kids off to summer camp yes or winning the annual schellenberg family water balloon fight yes suck it aunt susan yep definitely the best summer ever squeeze more summer out of summer with skip did somebody say skip say skip happy please happy please happy please deep breath in deep breath out

try not to cry relax relax relax okay come in she almost smothered me with a cushion he almost poked my eye out shhh Come in! She almost smothered me with a cushion! He almost poked my eye out! Shh!

Listen to the birds. Listen to the water and inhale the scent of blood orange and teakwood. Phil Smith and Amber Ainsworth. Nice to meet you. Can I offer you some cocoa? Say yes. Uh, yes you some cocoa? Say yes. Er, yes, please. Here you go. Now, let's all sip together, shall we?

How can you hold a grudge in a world in which this cocoa exists? Now, tell me what brings you to Amelia. We're getting married. You're joking. I wish. The wedding's in six hours. Six hours? You've got to get us out of this.

I can't spend the rest of my life with that infantile imbecile. I'd rather eat slugs from a toilet bowl than get married to that stuck-up snob. Then don't get married. We have to. What? Oh, I see. This is your parents' idea. Don't be ridiculous. My parents know a repulsive, moronic, moneyless, mush-brained loser when they see one. They hate him more than I do. I don't think that's possible I should have listened to them But I was stubborn Mum and Dad hate a scene So they just grit their teeth and made their peace with it

You insisted on marrying Phil? What can I say? I made a mistake Well, from what I can tell It sounds like your parents will be thrilled if you call it off Not now they won't. They've organised a proper Ainsworth wedding. Kew Gardens, Verve Clicquot, Valentino wedding dress.

Guests flying in from all over the world as we speak. My dad has sunk a fortune into this wedding. And he hates a scene, you said? If I send all those guests packing, he'd die of shame. I can't do that to him. What if it's Phil's fault? He leaves you at the altar, your parents get to have their initial grudge confirmed, and at least it's not you causing the embarrassment.

What? I can't do that. Why not? I'm marrying an Ainsworth. Do you know how happy this makes my family? This is the proudest day of their lives. Phil's family think they've hit the jackpot, greedy vultures. Says the pampered snob. Your family's like a cactus.

Everyone in it is a prick. Oh. Bravo, Phil. Oh, no, no, I mean it. That was a lot better than the kumquat. Let's all calm down and have another sip of cocoa. Shall I put the birdsong back on? No.

So, let's recap. Cancelling the wedding isn't an option. No. No. Neither, I assume, is patching things up? Patch things up with Phil? Never. Not now I know the raging psychopath beneath. No way, I'm getting married to a murderer!

A murderer? She tried to kill Pancake. Pancake? It's just a guinea pig. I need you to tell me what happened from the beginning. Tell me your story. No time for stories. You just need to make us disappear before the wedding.

There's always time for a story, and I won't take on your case without it. Very well. I was in the shower. I was in the kitchen making beetroot brownies. Why the devil would you put beetroot in brownies? I know, right? But it's the only way Amber eats them.

I was trying to do something nice for her. Okay, continue. Amber had left her phone next to the KitchenAid. And Phil snooped on my text messages. I did not! A message appeared on the home screen while I was pouring rice milk into the mixing bowl. It was right there in front of me. Couldn't miss it. A text from my best mate, Sean. What did the message say?

Text me when he's gone. Oh. What did you do? I texted back. All clear. And waited at the door, armed with a hardback edition of The Joy of Cooking. I come out of the shower and find the living room trashed. Broken plates and glasses everywhere, shattered windows, smashed TV,

and in the middle of it all, Sean bleeding into the carpet. Well, I'll be an alligator's aunt. I try and arrange a surprise bachelor's party, and that paranoid lunatic goes on a rampage. Wait, you weren't having an affair? Of course not. Oh.

But that's not the end of it. What happened next? I get a text. From Phil. He's driven off with all my clothes stuffed into bin liners. Sends me a picture of himself standing at the dumpster behind Tesco about to chuck my entire wardrobe. What did you do? I texted back.

You do that, and I kill Pancake. That was cruel. No need to drag Pancake into this. What kind of sad 30-year-old still has a guinea pig anyway? What decent human being compares a pile of Chanel clothes to a life? Not just Chanel. Westwood, Dior, Gaultier. See what a callous monster I'm up against. Come on. I didn't actually kill Pancake.

She texted me a picture of herself standing over Pancake with a kitchen knife. I logged on to Facebook, posted the picture and tagged Amber. Everybody saw that. That was the point. My friends. Your former friends. My colleagues, my boss. Serves that. That was the point. My friends. Your former friends. My colleagues.

My boss. Serves you right for killing my... Didn't kill. For threatening Pancake. Threatening Pancake was the only way I could force him to come back. Did he? What? Come back?

Of course. I needed to rescue Pancake. Speed home, run into the living room, and find Amber making out with Sean. Ever heard of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation? I was trying to save your friend. It looked like a... Now, I thought...

Ah, you thought. That's what got us into this whole mess. That paranoid, pea-sized brain of yours. You hear it? Rattling around in there like a marble in a Tupperware box. And all because I was trying to throw you a surprise party. I didn't want a bachelor party. Who doesn't like parties?

I was trying to be nice. It's not too late, you know. Too late for what? To be nice. To say sorry. To reconcile. Ha! That ship has sailed.

Phil has exposed himself as the boneheaded brute he really is. I'll always see Amber as a swivel-eyed maniac now. I'm quoting one of her Facebook friends. Go shove a cactus up your arse. Go snog a gorilla. Go shag a jellyfish Stop, stop I'm going to help you

You are? Yes, I owe it to world peace The wedding is in six hours Yes, my appointment with the hairdresser is in twenty minutes We're going to need more time Impossible Do you think you could pretend to be in love? At least until the reception at Kew Gardens?

What? That's after church. That would mean... That would mean actually getting married. Only for a few hours. I don't think I can watch Phil putting a ring on my finger without retching. I think I might snap Amber's finger off. We were hoping you could fake our death here and now.

Yes, something quick and simple. Faking death is an art. It has to be done properly. It mustn't raise suspicion. Your argument has been very public and a mysterious disappearance before the wedding would spark rumours. It's essential the wedding goes ahead as planned. Everybody will think you've made up.

Then you'll die in front of your wedding guests. With so many witnesses, there will be no doubt it was real. You want to kill us in front of the guests? Absolutely. How will it work? While you're at the church, we'll pose as wedding planners, go to Kew Gardens, and set up a nice, shiny dance floor. You want us to wait until the dance?

That means we'll have to endure the meal, the speeches, the sketches. I can't bear to hear Sean's best man speech. Not after all this. Your parents have spent a bomb on this wedding and guests have come from all over the world. You don't want to send them packing

without so much as a canopy. That would be rude. The food needn't go to waste. They can reuse it for our funeral. Phil is so cheap. Amber uses banknotes instead of loo roll. I'm not letting your guests watch you die on an empty stomach. At Amelia, we have standards. You are cruel. I'm your escape route.

What happens after the guests have wined and dined? After the meal, everyone goes out into the gardens for the first dance. Joey and Salvatore are passionate crooners and will give a rousing rendition of Al Green's Love and Happiness. You'll take to the shiny metal dance floor. The Chinese lanterns hanging above will reflect beautifully on it. It's going to be magical. We don't give a rat's shit about the atmosphere. All we want is to never see each other again. The guests will gather round the dance floor admiring you. We'll have electric stand heaters. Stop worrying about the guests.

Most of them are a bunch of insufferable toffs. As the song reaches its climax, one of the electric stand heaters tips over and crashes onto the metal dance floor. There's a crackle of electricity, a shower of sparks, and you'll be electrocuted in mid-dance. Wow.

Wow. Won't that kill us for real? We'll fit you out with rubber shoes. You'll be fine. The Amelia van, made up to look like an ambulance, will be parked just around the corner to whisk you off to your new life. Perfect. How would you like to resurface?

I just want to get as far away from Amber as humanly possible. I don't want to risk seeing Phil ever again. Hmm. In that case, we'll make you resurface in remote places at opposite ends of the globe. How about Tasmania and Nova Scotia? It's a deal. Not until we've discussed payment, it's not.

Oh, uh... I have a trust fund, but I was thinking of withdrawing most of that for my new life. You mentioned champagne? Sorry? For the wedding. Champagne? Oh, yeah. A beurre of Clicquot.

Crates of the stuff. Say no more. You owe me ten crates. We're running out. In fact, I believe this is our last bottle. Shall we crack it open? As long as I don't have to toast with her. You're going to have to enjoy plenty of toasts today.

Might as well get some practice. I suppose. Would you mind opening this? Suddenly. Stop pointing it at me, you loon! Damn. Missed. Freak. I propose a toast.

To everlasting love. To everlasting love. Come in. I'm soaked. Alvina, aren't you supposed to be with... What are you eating? Leftover canapes from the Ainsworth wedding. These pea and prawn crostinis really are quite something. Smells funny in here. It's the candle. Why have you still got that thing on?

I like it blood orange and teak wood hmm mind if I help myself to one of those? a guacamole cone? yep go for it thanks

I'm furnished Alvina, I thought... He didn't turn up. Oh. I'm... I'm sorry. Waited at the table for over an hour. Then I left.

Ah. No dinner, then? Nope. Had a few whiskies, though. Well, there's enough here for two. The mini lamb kebab skewers are rather nice. And the smoked salmon, cottage cheese and rocket rolls are exquisite. Oh, you must try the courgette curls, too.

And you'll love the cheese and chutney scones. A word of warning about the chilli-filly potato cakes, though. They're hot. OK, I'll start with that. What's that? Stilton and asparagus rarebit bites. Ooh, yum. I can't wait to move on to the chocolate and cranberry cheesecake shots for dessert. Ooh, and I've got just the thing to go with

it. What's that then? They paid us in Vouv Clicquot. Ha! Maybe being stood up wasn't so bad after all. Let's tuck in. I've just thought of something. Hmm? What's that? It's my five-year anniversary. Sorry? It's exactly five years since I've disappeared and started my new life here. The 14th of February, 2012. Gosh, you're absolutely right. That was a stormy day, too. Oh, yes. Amelia had difficulty getting to my island. I remember.

It doesn't take much to shock Amelia, but she almost turned back. You know, maybe that demolition fellow had a lucky escape. Oh, what do you mean? Well, the men you date do have a tendency of ending up dead.

Oh, please. That was five years ago. I love that story. Will you tell it to me again? This isn't the moment. Isn't the moment? We've got candles, we've got champagne, we've got mushroom blinis. What better moment? Not now. There's always time for a story, Alvina. Well, this story is going to have to wait for another time.

Right now, I have to concentrate on these crab parcels. If you want some, you'd better hurry before I polish them all off. Oh, very well. Scrabble. Scrabble. Scrabble. Julia Morizawa on the Answerphone. The episode was written by Philip Thorne. It was directed by Einstein Breger and Philip Thorne with music and sound design by Frederick Barden and graphics by Anders Pedersen.

Thanks to Andy Goddard for recording assistance and thanks to our super patrons, Sophia Anderson, Steve Meehan and Kati Zindela. And finally, thanks to Pod UK for inviting us to perform here at Millennium Point in Birmingham. There we go. Hope you enjoyed the show. Hope it made you feel a little bit like you were there. If you'd like to see us live, you can check out our website, ameliapodcast.com, where we will post any future performance dates. We're working hard on season three,

and if you want to get updates on how that's progressing and also see photos from the PodUK show, you can follow us on Twitter at Amelia underscore podcast. And if you want to help us keep making the show, you can become a patron. Even a contribution of just one or two dollars per episode really helps. Think of it like buying us a pack of Maltesers every time we release an episode. Or a cup of cocoa. Or, if your budget stretches that far, a glass of Verve Clicquot. Whatever you can afford and whatever makes sense to you. Head over to patreon.com slash Amelia podcast.

That's p-a-t-r-e-o-n dot com slash Amelia podcast to make your pledge. And I will send you a personal video thank you message within a week of your signing up. You would be making us so happy. Bye for now. And until the next time. The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish. where fiction producers flourish. This is Ai reporting. He's at the Lao Chang restaurant, Changchun, northeastern China. It's spring, 1997.

Once it's started, I'll leave him in Ming's hands. That's a joke. Ming doesn't have hands. And what do you do, exactly? Besides dance with strangers? I work for the postal service. You're a postman. Weird. Right.

This cloutier, what is it? It's just a bit strange. A letter for me from Hong Kong. And there's no stamp. I need stamps to write a dead person? Yep, there's a cost. How much? A pound.

A pound of flesh. A pound of you. It seems like a lot. Lift up your shirt! What's that? Just hold this tube over your stomach!LIFT UP YOUR SHIRT WHAT'S THAT JUST HOLD THIS TUBE OVER YOUR STOMACH 不要动啦 YEAH

THIS IS GONNA HURT WHAT NOTHING The very worst thing that could possibly happen. Sara, please write back. If your letter can find me here, then I think we have a lot to talk about. Saludos. Raul. The very worst thing that could possibly happen.

An audio drama in nine parts. Produced by Wolf of the Door Studios. Out now. For more information, please visit