The Amelia Project - Episode 28 - Todd

Episode Date: October 25, 2020

“I had to steal a motorbike, shake off five policemen and stab a bloke to get here.” Episode 28, Season 3. With: Julia Morizawa, Julia Thorne, James Carney, Benjamin Noble, Torgny G. Aanderaa, Erin King, Jordan Cobb, Ravdeep Singh Bajwa, Gianluca Iumiento and Valentina Alexeeva. Written by Philip Thorne. Directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager. Story editing by Oystein Brager. Sound design and music by Fredrik Baden. For full credits see our website. The Amelia Project is an audio fiction series. We recommend starting at the beginning. Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. If you’re not comfortable with this, stop listening. Now. The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network. Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partners Check out this episode’s sponsors: Dipsea: To sign up and get your 30 day free trial go to: DipseaStories.com/amelia Better Help: Get 10% off your first month by visiting BetterHelp.com/amelia Website: ameliapodcast.com Transcripts: ameliapodcast.com/transcripts Twitter: @amelia_podcast Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Cold tapes. A gripping crime story that will chill you to the bone. You know, life on the base means, well, it's close to six months without light. That does things to people that study that he was doing to watch us and then set off us like mice around this special little experiment how many people are on this base 16 on this one someone amongst them is our killer experience cold tapes the murder mystery podcast game. Start your investigation where you get your podcasts. Hello, dear Amelia listeners.

The interviewer is in Russia, and MI5 agents Cole and Haynes are headed for the Amelia office in London. The story continues in today's new episode, which is dedicated to our Australian listener, Jem Fiddick. Jem actually once came very close to being disappeared by us, but that's a story for another time. Right now, here's the new episode, Todd. Joey, load up the van with as many boxes as you can. Salvatore, stop shredding these.

Si, si, va bene, va bene. Hurry! I'm going as fast as I can. Five more minutes, then we're out of here. The Amelia Project The Emilia Project. Created by Philip Thorne and Ostein Braga. With music and sound design by Frederik Baden. Episode 28. Todd.

Salvatore, go start up the van. Joey, hail a cab. Why don't we just take the Beetle? We can't afford to break down. Not today. Si, si. Va bene, boss. How are you feeling? Well, there's no time for nostalgia.

She would be so proud of you. You know that, right? We had a good run here. Yes. Hello? Who's that? It's the Amelia Project. What do you want? To disappear.

That's what you like doing, isn't it? This isn't a good time. I had to steal a motorbike, shake off five policemen and stab a bloke just to get here. Not interested. No time. Please go. I can pay. In cash. We don't care. How about now?

Gah! Nice. You help me, or I'll slit your stomachs and strangle you with your intestines. Seriously? Now? It seems we got off on the wrong foot, Mr... Todd. Sorry, it's just that we're rather preoccupied right now. You put whatever it is on hold.

We can't put it on hold. You can and you will. MI5 will be here any minute. Oi. You're serious? Told you. Shit. Here's what we'll do. There's a cab waiting outside. Come with us and we'll give you a consultation on the ride. Deal? Okay, but I might have to stab the driver. What? My face is in the papers. Chances are he'll recognise me. Bandages. Good thinking. thinking. Hey, hey, what you doing? Wrapping up your head. We'll say you got hit in the face by a golf ball. Hey, I need to be able to breathe. Let's go. I can hardly see. Hurry.

You good to go? Un minuto, devo pisciare. Stop, Joey, get back in! But I'm running away, it's urgent! You can pee when we get there, eh? Eh, okay, come on. Seat belt! Oh, the belts are for assholes. Seat belt! Okay, okay, okay. Did you hear that?

No? I thought I heard something in the back. What was that? Hey! Who's there? Hands above your heads! Oh, porca putana, mamma mia! Looks like we got here just in time.

We're only going to Tesco's to get some loo roll. Oh, you box up your office every time you go to Tesco's, do you? Shit, Cole. Look. What? The others are getting into a taxi. Two women and an Egyptian mummy?

Those be the interviewer. We have to follow them. Hey, drive. Does that mean I can lower my hands? Yes. I said drive. Follow that taxi. If you fall behind or try and warn them, you'll regret it. Is that clear? Si, si, si.

To the Russian si, si. Me be shot, boss. To the Russian embassy, please. Right you are, love. Did he just call me love? Not now, Amelia. Why is he holding a, uh, um, a knife? Do you think he suspects something? I think it would help if you put away the knife.

It's not a knife. It's a comfort razor. Was he bothering you, love? If he calls me love one more time, I'm going to punch him in the face. No, no. Everything's fine. You're sure? You want me to take care of him? I could, uh, you know.

Here. Take these. What's that, Puppet? Earplugs. Oh, you want me to, uh... Are you joking? You're... you're not. You really want me to, uh... Just put in the You're... You're not. You really want me to, uh... Just put in the damn earplugs!

Yes, ma'am. Are they in? He can't hear us. Todd, you can tell us your story. I wonder where they're going. Haynes, if you keep an eye on the Italians, I'll take a look into the boxes here. Go for it.

More tapes. Tons of them. Good. Files, too. Excellent. This could be keeping us going for years. I'd say there are a good dozen boxes here. There's also a bulky zip bag. Don't touch it.

Whoa! What is it? A dead body. Where do I begin? Tell us why you're in trouble. Right. So you're all starting it with this one-star review on TripAdvisor. A review for what?

I have a pie shop. Customer complained about the pie? Yeah. Found a fingernail in it. Why was there a Customer complained about the pie? Yeah, found a fingernail in it. Why was there a fingernail in the pie? A few weeks ago, the meat grinder got jammed. And been mincing properly ever since. That's not a dead body.

It's not? What is it, then? That's Kozlovsky. The surgeon. Looks pretty dead to me. Not dead. Drugged. Looks pretty dead to me. Not dead. Drugged.

You drugged him? Eh, he drugged himself. Doesn't like car journeys. Prefers to sleep. What kind of a butcher are you? Eh, not butcher. Barber. Just what we need. A psychopath from a Victorian melodrama. You're really called Todd. You're a barber and you make questionable pies. Oi. I make excellent pies.

I think I'm going to be sick. Well, they all taste the same once it's been seasoned with mustard powder and fried up with onions. Stop the car. My colleague has to throw up. He can't hear you. Hey, mister. Pull up. My colleague is going to be sick. Of course, madam. They're slowing down.

Ready to make a move? Yeah. He's got his indicator out. We need to pull up at the bus stop. Pull up behind them. If you hoot or flash the lights, I'll make sure you serve a double sentence. Got it? Gotso. It's all right, Amelia. I've got a bag. Don't lose time because of me.

Stopping for two minutes really isn't going to make a difference. You need some fresh air. Keep driving. Yes, ma'am. And put those plugs back in or I'll cut your ears off. Jesus, all right. They're speeding back up. You think they're on to us? What did you do?

I did nothing. Nothing? Keep driving. At the next traffic light, we pounce. At the next traffic light, we pounce. So, a customer found a fingernail in their pie and gave you a one-star review on TripAdvisor. Why did they give you one star? I know, right?

My pies are far superior to your average supermarket sausage. No flavourings or powdered preservatives. Everything locally sourced. Slaughtered a plate in under two hours. Where else in London can you get that? No, I mean, why in London can you get that? No, I mean, why did they give you any stars? Oh.

Uh, TripAdvisor don't allow zero stars. Shit. What? They've just passed a level crossing. The gates are closing. Speed up. We can still make it. Impossible.

Come on. Give it some welly. I'm going to get us all killed up in here. It's an order. Get got, Samantha! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Amelia? Yes?

Looks like Joey and Salvatore have fallen behind. Oh. They have GPS, don't they? Yeah, but they don't know how to use it. I think we should wait for them. Pull up in front of that waitrose, please. We're waiting for a blue van to catch up. Certainly.

So, people found out what goes into your pies, and I'm guessing all hell broke loose. They should have known. You think? Oh, come on. I run a pie shop on Fleet Street called Sweeney's right next to a barber called Todd's. Not rocket science. Who are your customers?

Tourists, mostly. I'm sure they didn't actually expect... I'm sure they were just coming for the... for the experience. Exactly. Exactly. I'll give them the authentic London experience. Oh, that's Joey and Salvatore coming.

You want me to continue driving? No, give us a minute. I'll go set up the GPS for them. Good idea. Paints, paints, look. Idiot! What the fuck are you doing? Yes.

Oh, fuck. Pull up behind them. There's a woman getting out of the car. Probably Alvina. What are you doing? Yes! Fuck! Gotcha! Don't move. What? Let go! Let go! Let go!

Let go! Stop this right now! Oh my God! Amelia, get back in the car! What's going on? They must have been following Joey and Salvatore. Is that MI5? We're not hanging around to find out. Go, go, go! Yes, yes. Is that MI5? Yes, yes.

Tight enough for you, sweetie kids? Oh, you must be shitting me. You? Again? Uh, Mia? I think I recognize that voice. Oh, I definitely recognize that voice. Let me go. Turn me around. I can't. Well, isn't this a lovely surprise? We had a deal. You do Camden. We do Bermondsey.

They weren't in Camden. So we came to Bermondsey. Caught them just as they were setting off in the van. At least, that's what we thought. Turns out it was you. What were you doing in their van? Following the ringleaders. The ringleaders? Yes. In a taxi.

We were this close. Where's the taxi? Fuck knows. You scared them off. You idiots. Haynes. Haynes. What?

The Italians. Oh, shit. Italians? The Italians. Oh, shit. Italians? The van. They mustn't get away. Nobody here. Morons! You should have told us to start by securing the van.

If you hadn't handcuffed us, we'd have the ringleaders by now. Cretins. Clowns. Guys, guys, check the bag. What? There's a sip bag in the back. Jesus, there's a corpse in there. No, it's not a corpse.

The surgeon. Sorry? The surgeon. At least we have the surgeon. Congratulations, you've reached the ad break. Want to know who's left a message then don't hang up hello this is philip co-creator of the amelia project and i need to disappear i'm in my wardrobe and they're after me the bills are p piling up. Actors and technicians invoices, hosting fees, studio rental costs.

Kit! Philip! Come out wherever you are. Where are you? That's Julia and Alan and they are pissed off. No use hiding. If you want to help us cover our costs

so I can get out of this wardrobe, please go to ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show. You can make a one-off donation or become a patron and get amazing rewards like bonus episodes, episode dedications, a shout out in the credits and buy monthly video live stream Q&As. That's ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show. Kinder Surprise just brought out a new range of toys and those eggs won't buy themselves, Pip. Aha! I think they found me.

I think he's in that wardrobe. Help! Phew. The sooner we get to the embassy, the better. What about me? Continue your story. What happened after your pies went public? Right, so a team of food inspectors come knocking on my kitchen door.

I let them in, give them a tour. Well, what could I do? How did they react? Those wimps did not last one minute. Ran out screaming. Then I heard the sirens and figured that I should scarper. But the shop was surrounded by photographers. I had to take my razor and barge right through them.

Guy tried to restrain me, so I slit his throat. Peter Waston, really. He had a good complexion. Would have made a prime cut. Ah, no time for that. I nicked a motorcycle, drove straight to meet you. Now, can you help me disappear? I have an idea.

Really? In five minutes, we cross Tower Bridge. Do you have pen and paper? Um, I have a notebook. Tear out two pages. Done. On one of them, write your telephone number and give it to me Here

On the other, write a suicide note Wait, what? Chop chop, we don't have much time Hold up, I'm going to jump off Tower Bridge Bingo That will kill me Not if we time it properly What do you mean?

We'll be down at St. Catherine Pier with a pair of binoculars And alert you once the next cargo ship passes You want me to jump onto a boat? We'll wait for a coal Catherine Pier with a pair of binoculars and alert you once the next cargo ship passes. You want me to jump onto a boat? We'll wait for a coal carrier. A coal carrier? It's after landing. You'll get some bruises, but it shouldn't kill you. Bruises? All right, you sound confident.

I'm improvising a disappearance whilst on the run from MI5. Take it or leave it. So what happens if and when I land on this coal carrier? We'll drive down the Thames to Tilbury Port and pick you up at the container terminal once you arrive. And then what? You'll come with us to the Russian embassy. We'll be driven to the airport in a diplomatic car and board a private plane

to Moscow. You will leave the UK in total secrecy. So my new life will be in Russia? No. I'll take a route via the Baltic Sea. You can parachute out of the plane once we're over the Swedish island of Gotland. Parachute, great. And you'll be flying the plane? Of course.

I never let anyone else fly. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What? I need an assurance. What? I need something to prove you're actually going to carry through. We're approaching Tower Bridge. Give me that necklace.

My necklace? How about my earrings? Nah. My watch? It's much more valuable. No. My brooch? The necklace.

Why the necklace? You've been clutching it the whole ride. Obviously it means something to you. It does. It was my grandmother's. Hand it over. You'll get it back once you pick me up at a port. Take it.

We're there. Driver? Oh, yep. We're there. Driver? Stop the car. Keep the bandages on until I call. Once you get my call, give your note to a bystander and clamber over the railing. Try and find a spot with CCTV and make sure the camera catches your face. We have to give the authorities clear evidence you're really gone. Don't look down, close your eyes, and jump.

Don't worry. We've got this. Okay then. Here we go. See you on the other side. See you on the other side. Continue. To the Russian embassy. We're not going to Tilbury Port? Do you want to save that asshole? Not particularly. Straight to the embassy, then. What about your necklace? What about it? You won't miss it.

I will. Very much. But no looking back. We're moving on. Alvina? Yes? It's exciting, isn't it? Starting afresh? I think...

I think our best days are still ahead of us. I do, too. Welcome to the Russian embassy. Hope you got here okay? Apart from a close shave with MI5 and sharing a cab with a cannibal, it was a breeze. Can I use your bathroom? Of course. Down the corridor.

Fourth door on the left. Next to the bust of Nikolai Gogol. Thank you. Tar? Todd? We're in luck. There's a sandbarge approaching. Are you ready? Good. I'll count to three, all right?

One. Two. Three. two three We hope you enjoyed this episode. Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first, the credits. This episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne, with story editing by Einstein Breger.

It was directed by Einstein Breger and Philip Thorne, with music editing by Einstein Breger. It was directed by Einstein Breger and Philip Thorne, with music and sound design by Frederick Barden. It featured Julia Morizawa as Amelia, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, James Carney as both Todd and the cabbie, Gianluca Yumiento as Joey, Ravdeep Singh Bajwa as Salvatore, Benjamin Noble as Agent Haynes, Torgny G. Ondero as Agent Cole, Jordan Cobb as Jackie Williams, Erin King as Mia Fox, and Valentina Alexeva as Natalia Fedorova. The episode was recorded at the Bridge Writing Studio in London, Spike City Studio and LSI Luz Produktion in Oslo, Torngeber Studios in Vienna and Loudoun County Public Library in Virginia, USA. It was engineered by Billy Halliday,

Gabriel Geber, Steiner Borgen and Robert Rostadt-Amundsen. The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions with graphic design by Anders Pedersen. We rely on a big team of talented individuals to make this show, and we want to compensate these wonderful people for the time and passion they pour into the project. You can help us grow and improve the show by becoming a patron.

If you'd like to do that, go to ameliapodcast.com for more info. And speaking of patrons, thanks to our super patrons, Gemphidic, Angel Acevedo, Sophie Leveso, and Sophia Anderson. You really help keep the cocoa flowing. And now, the epilogue. Um, wait. Is that the plane we're flying in? Yes.

But that's not a plane! Uh, yes, it is. No, that's something you hired from Rent-A-Wreck. It is a standard-issue Russian aircraft. From 1922! It's fine. I've flown worse than that. It might not be pretty, but it is a plane. It'll be okay. Now, this is Raimundans. He'll be your pilot.

Dobry vechir. Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm flying. I never let anyone else fly. You are a pilot? No, I'm not. I'm just assuming I'll be better than your Russian pilot because I'm American. Of course I'm a pilot. If I wasn't, I wouldn't even get the plane off the ground, would I? So, Raymondas, may I? Listen, it's a protocol to only have certified pilots fly Russian aircraft.

I thought we'd established that this isn't an aircraft but a heap of rust from 1922. Alvina, ease up. I'm sorry, she's just a bit finicky about flying. Now, could I at least co-pilot? Please, step into the cargo hold. It will be more comfortable in the cockpit. Where you can be seen? Spy cameras could spot you through the windows. We're helping you escape, remember?

It's important. It seems like you're not on board. I guess. Cargo hold it is, then. Does anyone have a Valium? Get on now. Asha is waiting. The Fable & Folly Network. Where fiction producers flourish.

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