The Amelia Project - Episode 31 - The President

Episode Date: December 6, 2020

“Oleg, I'm so bored!” Episode 31, Season 3. Written by Philip Thorne. Story editing by Oystein Brager. Directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager. Sound design and music by Fredrik Baden. With: Julia Morizawa, Julia C. Thorne, Lory Martinez, Alan Burgon, Alexander Mercury, James Carney and Andrei Zayats. For full credits see our website. The Amelia Project is an audio fiction series. We recommend starting at the beginning. Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network. Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partners Check out this episode’s sponsors: Kitty Poo Club: Get 20% off your first order when you set up auto-ship by going to KittyPooClub.com and entering promo code AMELIA. ISSUU: Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code AMELIA. Website: ameliapodcast.com Transcripts: ameliapodcast.com/transcripts Twitter: @amelia_podcast Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Summer's here, and you can now get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? You can't get a well-groomed lawn delivered, but you can get chicken parmesan delivered. Sunshine? No. Some wine? Yes. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol in select markets. See app for details.

Cold tapes. A gripping crime story that will chill you to the bone. You know, life on the base means, well, it's close to six months without light. That does things to people that study that he was doing to watch us and then set off us like mice around this special little experiment how many people are on this base 16 on this one someone amongst them is our killer experience cold tapes the murder mystery podcast game. Start your investigation where you get your podcasts. Hello everybody, you are about to listen to the last episode of the first half of season three.

There will be a second part, more info about that at the end of the episode. There will be a second part, more info about that at the end of the episode. This Season 3 Part 1 finale is dedicated to our German listener Marti Patival, who recently made a generous donation to the show, and who's been keeping us entertained by tweeting pictures of Funko Pop figurines dressed up as the interviewer and Alvina. They've even been changing outfits and accessories for various episodes, and for Halloween, the interviewer was dressed as a penguin. Of course.

If you want to see what I'm talking about, you can head over to our Twitter, or you can go to our website, ameliapodcast.com, where we've posted some pictures on the fan art section of the website. Anyway, thank you, Marty, or rather, ganz vielen Dank für deine großzügige Unterstützung. And now, without further ado, let's catch up with the interviewer and see how he's getting on in Golovin Prison. Enjoy the new episode. но допустив ее неподвестность, мы приходим к безместности. Допустив же движение,

которого мы не чувствуем, мы приходим к законам. Is it pronounced «к законам»? Да. Oh, good. Так и в истории новое воззрение говорит. И правда, Oh, good. Допустив же свою зависимость от внешнего мира, что мы не можем от него отмечать. od neszustvushy zvobody i priznach niosushemoyu nami zavisymusch.

The end. Well, that's Tolstoy done. Can you ask Boris for the collected works of Dostoevsky next? Yeah. I'm so bored, Olek. I'm so bored. Youlek. I'm so bored.

You know what Hedy Lamarr said? No. I can excuse everything but boredom. Sooner barbarity than boredom. That's Theophile Gautier. Yes. Stagnation breeds boredom. That's Chekhov. Yes.

No. Yes. Tell me why I'm here. Нет. They've got a job for me. Да. What is it? Why don't they just tell me? They're testing me, right? Да. They've got a job, but they're testing me first. Да.

Have I passed the test? Нет. When will I know if I've passed the test? What's the job? When are the others arriving? I'm so bored! I know. Let's play a game to pass the time.

Do you know 20 questions? No. You have to think of a famous person. Got one? Yes. Now, I have to guess who it is by. Got one? Да. Now, I have to guess who it is by asking up to 20 questions. You can only reply with yes or no. Got it? Да, да.

I'm a world champion at this. Bet I'll be able to tell you who you're thinking of in under 10 questions. Ready? Да. Is the person fictional? Нет. Is it a woman? Да. Is the person fictional? Нет. Is it a woman? Да. Is she Russian? Нет.

British? Нет. American? Да. Is she alive? It's a simple question, Oleg. Is she alive? Да. Hmm. A famous American, and you're not sure if she's dead or...

Oh. Ha ha ha. Cheeky. Amelia Earhart. Da da. Hmm. You want me to tell you about Amelia Earhart? Da. She's dead. But I'll never understand why she refused our help. Oleg, I have an idea.

I've always wanted to write my memoirs. I've tried recounting them to Alvina, but she's a dreadful transcriber. Keeps interrupting me. How did you get a job at the Vatican? You're not even Catholic. Pagliacci at the Paris Opera House? You can barely sing Three Blind Mice. Oh, prove you can speak Sentinelese. Go on, say Coco in

Sentinelese. You did not cross Texas on a bicycle. What do you mean you used to be an ivory poacher? Oh, God, she's so rude. You, on the other hand, you won't ask any questions. I can count on your silence. Have you got your pen? Are you sitting comfortably? Good. Because this is a long story. It's a story that stretches from Pyongyang to Celebration, Florida.

From the foothills of the Himalayas to Bournemouth Pier, from the Judean desert to Milton Keynes. Are you ready for this, Oleg? Duh. There's always time for a story. The question is, where should I begin? Oh, got it! I'll start with my first trip to Russia

That would be fitting, don't you think? There So, back in 1941... Right, time to go Uh, what? Mikhail is happy You still haven't told me who this Mikhail is Wait, he's happy?

You mean... Yes, you've passed the test. Congratulations. Thank you. So you'll finally tell me why I'm here? We've got a client for you. Okay. An important client. Okay. We're counting on you not to mess this up. I'm the best in the business. Mm-hmm. I won't let you down. It's vital you succeed. For Russia's sake and for your sake. For my sake? If you fail, we make you disappear. And there will be no reappearance. Get it? Yes, Boris. That's very clear. Good. So who is this client? Bring them in. That's very clear.

Good. So who is this client? Bring them in. He's not coming here. Oh. Then... I told you, we are going. Leaving Golovkin? Yes. Here, put on the sushanka. It's cold outside. You don't want your ears to freeze off.

Oh, I've always fancied myself wearing one of these. Come on. He's waiting. Where are we going? The Kremlin. The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Ostein Braga. With music and sound design by Frederik Baden. Episode 31. The President. Take off your hat. Oh, but it's so cold. Show some respect.

Nobody goes through the Spasskie Warrota without taking off their hat. Not even Napoleon. Napoleon? He refused, but as he passed through the gate, the wind tore the bicorn from his head. Welcome to the Kremlin, the greatest fortress in the world, the heart of Russia. Wow, it's even more majestic than I remember. The greatest fortress in the world. The heart of Russia. Wow. It's even more majestic than I remember. The Kremlin houses five palaces and four cathedrals. It's home to the world's largest bell, the Tsar Bell.

Wait, you've been here before? Yes, a long time ago. Oh, it's Mikhail. Yes? Yes. It's Mikhail. Yes. Yes. Yes, of course. Yes. Yes. Excuse me.

We're on our way. We're on our way. Yes. Yes. The prison. The prison. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. We're on our way. We're late. We have to hurry.

Your client is waiting in Terem Palace and he's getting impatient. Is it the president? You are about to find out. Hey, where are you going? Terem Palace. he's getting impatient. Is it the President? You are about to find out. Hey, where are you going? Terrem Palace. It's this way. If we go to the armory chamber and down the passage to the bunker, there's a tunnel that connects to Terrem Palace.

But... It's a shortcut. But we have to... I thought you said we needed to hurry. Come on. How do you know about all this? Told you, I've been here before. Turn left.

We can't. Down this staircase. Are you sure about this? I know this building like the back of my hand. How come? Hmm. What's up? The tunnel is located beneath one of these flagstones, but I can't remember which one.

Oh, this is ridiculous. You don't have a clue. We're going back up. No, got it. Come on, don't remember which one. Oh, this is ridiculous. You don't have a clue. We're going back up. No, got it. Come on, don't just stand there. Give me a hand. All right, down we go. You are absolutely sure? Oh, yes. Spent many an air raid down there.

Air raid? When exactly did you come here? Um, 79 years ago. Ready? spent many an air raid down there. Air raid? When exactly did you come here? Um, 79 years ago. Ready? 79? How old are you? How? It was one of my more unusual cases.

You were here for a job? Oh, yes. And who was the client? The Kremlin. Who in the Kremlin? Just the Kremlin. Ow! Oh, duck.

The tunnel is about to get a lot narrower. Time to get down on our hands and knees. Thanks. Your client was the Kremlin? Yes. You're joking. No, I made the Kremlin disappear. You what?

Yes. During the war, the Germans unleashed hundreds of bombs over Moscow. But the Kremlin didn't suffer a scratch. Why not? Because... Because I made it disappear. You're very welcome, by the way, Boris. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Making 70 acres of territory disappear is quite the challenge. We covered the facades with wood and repainted all the towers.

We painted the roofs rusty brown, making them indistinguishable from the rest of Moscow. We covered the courtyards with sand and stretched tents, disguised as roofs over the gardens. We hid Lenin's mausoleum under a huge shack. We made the Kremlin vanish into the city. It was the biggest military deception in history. Yeah, but that was Boris Yafan. Who? Boris Yafan, the architect. He was useful for sawing up wood and painting facades, sure. But the overall plan...

Oh, by the way, if you reach up, you should be able to reach the first rung of a ladder. Yes. Good. Up we go. You weren't really involved in the Kremlin's disappearance. I can't believe they've given that Irfan twerp the credit. Are you all right? It doesn't go up any further.

The ladder hits the ceiling. Good. Push. Sorry? There's a trap door just above your head. Push. Where does it lead? The Crestovia guest chamber. All right.

Shit, shit, shit. What? You idiot. What? That's not Terran Palace. It's not? No. It's the dormitory of the Kremlin regiment. Oh.

I can't believe I followed you! I thought... You liar! But I... Hurry! Hurry! We're late enough as it is! He's got a short temper and he's a stickler for punctuality!

Always say sir, don't look him in the eye, but don't look away either, okay? And don't click your tongue, he really hates that. Alright. You're not wearing any orange, are you? Excuse me? The handkerchief. What? In your breast pocket, it's orange. Throw it away.

But it was a gift from a client. He doesn't like orange. Well, I can stuff it into my pocket so he won't see it. I wouldn't risk it, okay? Oh, and please, please, please, whatever you do, don't pick your nose. Okay. Don't scratch your cheek or stroke your chin or rub your brow in case he misinterprets it and thinks you're picking your nose. Okay.

Probably best to just keep your fingers away from your face. I'm sure I'll manage. I mean it. He's had people executed for less. I've dealt with presidents before. We are seeing the president, right? Boris? We are seeing a

president, yes. What do you mean? Ready? I think so. Get it. I've got your visitor. So, can we come in? Yes, yes, go ahead.

So nice to meet you, sir. Welcome to the Amelia Project. We don't usually do house calls, but for such an eminent client, we're more than happy to make an exception. Now, first things first, do you think the Kremlin kitchens can rustle up two cups of cocoa? Or three? Boris, you'll have cocoa too? Of course, of course. How presumptuous of me. Maybe cocoa's not your thing. Champagne?

I haven't had a decent glass of bubbly since I was frog-marched out of my office, but... Shut up! Certainly. What can I do for you, Mr... Presidente Julio Chez Rodríguez Álvarez de la Fuente, Mayor General of the Panaragua and Freedom Army of 1972. Can I call you Julio? No! Okay. So, to begin with, I'll just ask some questions about your story and...

Nobody ask Presidente Julio Che Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Mayor General of the Panaragua and Freedom Army of 1972, questions. I'm not allowed to ask you questions? Certainly not. Well, then how do we proceed? That was a question. Blimey, this is going to be difficult. Hmm. Oh, I have an idea.

I'll ask Boris questions, he'll answer, and if there's anything you disagree with, you can correct him. Good. So, Boris, what is the president of Panaragua doing in the Kremlin? You know what's happening in Panaragua, don't you? Well, since arriving in Golovin, I've been in a bubble, but the civil war is still raging, I assume. It's escalated. The Panaraguan pythons have made huge advances. Perez is about to enter the... Pablo Perez Garcia is never going to take my place! Not over my dead body!

Of course not, sir, of course not. That's why we've brought this man. Me? Yes. Really? You... hang on. You want me to help you win the fight against the rebels? Oh, it's too late for that. What do you mean? The Panaraguan pythons control 80% of the army. We've sent over troops to assist the last loyalists,

but frankly, we're outnumbered. The Pythons have practically won. They took Valley de las Sombras yesterday. They're heading to Monte Rosa now. We assume that they'll reach the palace tomorrow. Oh dear. One spare stands on

the presidential balcony, addressing the crowds and waving the palace tomorrow. Oh, dear. Once Paris stands on the presidential balcony addressing the crowds and waving the rebel flag, well, there's no turning back. So the president fled to Moscow? Fled! He didn't want to leave Banaracua. He didn't want to leave, but we convinced him to seek refuge here.

Yes. Why? He's our most important ally in the region. Not for long. Excuse me. Oh, I mean, assuming the rebels are about to storm the palace, I just... I have led

Panaragua for the last four decades. I will lead it for at least four more. And then my son will take over, and his son from him, and his son from him, and his from him. You get it? Not for long. Not for... How dare he? Boris said your days as president are... Good Lord, Boris, help me out here. Um, numbered?

I said nothing of the sort. Well, you said the rebels have practically won. Correct. Which means Julio Che Rodriguez, your ally, will no longer be in charge. Incorrect. How? I travel back to Monterosa tomorrow. But that's when the rebels storm the city.

I am not scared. He will stand on the palace balcony, his arms spread wide, addressing his people and showing he is not scared. That sounds risky. Yes, he'll get shot. And we want you to orchestrate the assassination. Oh, well, not me like a grenade. How would he like to be assassinated? There's only one way.

He needs to get shot by Perez. Este maldito mafioso! You know it's for the best. I suppose. He'll be standing on the palace balcony? Yes, addressing my people. It faces onto a square? Correct.

La Plaza de la Sangre Martirzada. We've got diagrams and three-dimensional model for you to work with. I won't be going to Panaragua? No, no need. My men are turning your cell into a war room as we speak. We've got an excellent team on the grounds in Monterosa waiting to carry out your orders.

Your brief is to give the crowd a big, bloody, cathartic assassination. We want is to give the crowd a big bloody cathartic assassination. We want them singing on the square. Death to the tyrants. Freedom for Panaragua. Long live the Pidons. But it will all be fake.

We just need to give the people closure. Then they can just move on. Move on to what? A new regime. Under Perez? Yes. Well, the assassination won't be a problem. How would he like to come back?

As Pablo Perez Garcia. Jumping jelly beans. Let me get this straight. He wants to be assassinated by Perez on the palace balcony, Jumping jelly beans. Let me get this straight. He wants to be assassinated by Perez on the palace balcony, then, moments later, reappear on the same balcony as Perez and declare regime change? I led the revolution in 1972. I can't do it again.

It's perfect. The people get their revolution. The president gets to stay in power. We get to keep our ally in the region. And everyone wins. What about Perez? You mean me? No, the real Perez. After I am finished with that scoundrel, nobody will recognize him.

As from tomorrow, I am the real Pablo Perez Garcia. So what do you think? Can you do this? I'll need my team from London. They are on their way. How much time do we have? You come up with a plan tonight. You present it to us tomorrow morning, and we put it in action right away. We can't risk the rebels reaching the palace before we do.

There's a reward I will give you a palace on Playa Carameo. Two palaces. Hey, you know what? I threw in a few islands. But, if this fails, you will find out what happens in the Galavian basement. I think I can imagine.

Oh, believe me, you can't. Turn off your phone! Excuse me, I have to. It's Mikhail. Allo? Allo? Allo, слышите меня? Allo? Сейчас, секунду, я выйду. Да, алло? Mobile phones are a scourge.

Russians are so rude. But I like you. You do? Sorry, that wasn't a question. You really think you can do this? You can fake my assassination? Yes.

You can turn me into Perez? Yes. I look nothing like Perez. Our surgeon is the best in the business. You can call me Julio. Thank you, Julio. And don't worry.

It will all go without a hitch. There's a hitch! Damn it! What is it? Your team. Yes? Has gone missing. What do you mean, they've gone missing?

Disappears. Is this a joke? Because it's really not the time, Boris. It's not a joke. What happened? The surgeon and the Italians never reached the embassy. What about Alvina and Emilia? They boarded a plane to Moscow, but the plane...

Yes? Well, it's... Don't say disappeared. Do not say disappeared. Disappeared. God damn it, man! What kind of amateurs are you? How can you lose track of a plane? How is that even possible? I told you I need my team! Look, you managed perfectly well with Mylin. Mylin?

Mylin? Mylin was peanuts! This is different! I mean, how am I going to change Julio's identity without a ready surgeon? It can't be done. You can't do it. No, not without my team. No. You have to. Or else.

Or else I'm screwed. Which means Michael's screwed. Which means I'm screwed. Which means you're screwed. Which means we're all going to have a jolly reunion in the Golovine basement. No, no, no, no. Look, if you really put your mind to this, you can do it. You can do it.

Faith in my abilities? Really? Now? All of a sudden? Look, we'll do anything you need. Please, please, you have to make this work. I'll need cocoa. Of course, not the crap you have to make this work. I'll need cocoa. Of course. Not the crap you serve at Golovin. Look, look, we'll have the Kremlin chef replicate Le Deux Magous recipe and have it brought straight to your cell.

You've got photos of Perez? Photos and medical records. Well, I do like a challenge. So? So? Fuck it. Let's do it. Don't interrupt.

Always wait until he's finished speaking. Don't move so much. And don't mention 1972. Right. Oh, and don't mention Ed Sheeran. Ed Sheeran? He's a pop star. British. Thought you'd know that. I know who Ed Sheeran is. It's just he really, really, really, really doesn't like him. Ed Sheeran?

Yes. Huh. Are you ready? Ready for what? He'll explain. Pablo, ya llegaron. Please go in. Pablo Perez Garcia is waiting for you. Субтитры подогнал «Симон» We hope you enjoyed this first half of season three.

There are 11 more episodes planned for this season. And as you can tell, this show is getting bigger and more ambitious with every episode. So in order to create the last 11 episodes, we need a bit more time and we need your help. The show isn't just getting more ambitious in terms of content, we've also become more ambitious about the role we want it to play in our lives. So far, for O-Stein and myself, it's essentially been a hobby. Patreon pledges and ads have allowed us to pay our actors and engineers, rent studios and pay hosting fees, but over all these years, we haven't actually paid ourselves a single cent. But as from 2021,

our resolution is to make this a more sustainable part of our lives. We want this to slowly start becoming our job. We love making this show and we want to make it more frequently and we want to make it better and better. As you know, the main way we fund this show is through our patrons on patreon.com. Patrons pledge a small sum every time we release an episode. It's basically like leaving a tip each time we produce new content. Our goal is to reach 450 patrons. Once we do that, making the show starts to become more sustainable. So we're starting a crowdfunding campaign starting right now and once we reach 450 patrons we will finish up and get ready the next part of the show and announce a launch date for it. When it comes to the next two episodes we've

actually already got those recorded and we're in the midst of editing them right now. So once we reach the first milestone of 400 patrons and we're only about 10, 15 patrons away from that, we will release those two right away. The next episode is called The New President, and it picks up right where the episode you just listened to leaves off. And the one after that is called Alvina. I won't give any spoilers for that one. We'll release The New President within 72 hours of hitting 400 patrons.

So if this show has brought you joy, and if you want to keep it alive and support us making it, we'd be super, super grateful. Even a pledge of just $2 goes a really long way and brings us a step closer to reaching our goal. If you want to take part, go to ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show. And if you do so before Sunday, you'll even be able to join us for our Christmas party live stream. Thank you again for listening.

And now the credits. The episode was recorded at the Bridge Writing Studio in London and engineered by Billy Halliday. Alan's Russian coach was Mark Vertlib and our Spanish language consultant was Lala Drona. The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions with graphic design by Anders Pedersen. Thank you to our super patrons, Jemphidic, Angel Acevedo, Sophie Leveso, Sophia Anderson and Kate Tsukuyasu.

You are all amazing. Thank you for listening and hope to see some of you at the Amelia Christmas Party livestream on Sunday. The Fable and Folly Network where fiction producers flourish Friends, half-orcs, countrymen lend me your pointy ears. Of Mice and Men and Monsters is a podcast which combines the art and beauty of classic literature with the fun of Dungeons & Dragons roleplay.

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