The Amelia Project - Episode 32 - The New President

Episode Date: December 10, 2020

"I need a genius." Episode 32, Season 3. Written and directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager. Sound design by Dominic Hargreaves and Fredrik Baden. With: Alan Burgon, Alex Scott Fairley, Andrei Zayats, Alexander Mercury, Julia Morizawa, Julia C. Thorne, Lory Martinez, Jordan Cobb, Erin King, Torgny G. Aanderaa, Benjamin Noble, James Carney. For full credits see our website. The Amelia Project is an audio fiction series. We recommend starting at the beginning. Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. Website: ameliapodcast.com Transcripts: ameliapodcast.com/transcripts Twitter: @amelia_podcast Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network. Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partners Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Summer's here, and you can now get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? You can't get a well-groomed lawn delivered, but you can get chicken parmesan delivered. Sunshine? No. Some wine? Yes. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol in select markets. See app for details.

Cold tapes. A gripping crime story that will chill you to the bone. You know, life on the base means, well, it's close to six months without light. That does things to people that study that he was doing to watch us and then set off us like mice around this special little experiment how many people are on this space 16 on this one someone amongst them is our killer experience cold tapes the murder mystery podcast game start your investigation where you get your podcasts we will be holding a christmas party live stream for patrons with the whole amelia gang uh julia morizawa julia thorn alan bergen frederick barden and as peter Julia Thorne, Alan Bergen, Frederick Barden, Anders Petersen, Einstein and myself on Saturday the 12th of December at 2pm pacific time. We'll drink cocoa, answer your questions and perform

a Christmas sketch. Right, the interviewer is back in his prison cell which has now been turned into a war room where he has to figure out how to fake the Panharaguan president's assassination. And Emilia and Alvina are on their way to meet the leader of the resistance. Enjoy the new episode. Don't move so much. And don't mention 1972. Right. Oh, and don't mention Ed Sheeran. Ed Sheeran?

He's a pop star. British. Thought you'd know that. I know who Ed Sheeran is. It's just he really, really, really, really doesn't like him. Ed Sheeran? Yes. Huh. Are you ready? Ready for what?

He'll explain. Pablo. Ya llegaron. Please go in. Pablo Perez Garcia is waiting for you. What? What is that? Santa Barbara, bendita. What's happening?

Get down! Follow me. Where? Where are you going? What's going on? You gotta be kidding me! The Amelia Project Created by Philip Thorne and Ostein Braga With music and sound design by Frederick Barden Episode 32 with music and sound design by Frederik Baden. Episode 32 The New President

It's not like at home. I think it's delicious. Alec, you try some. Isn't it delicious, Alec? Yeah. Bogdan Barjanov followed Les Deux Magots' recipe to the letter. You can tell Bogdan Barjanov it's lacking that certain je ne sais quoi. Any news about Kozlovsky, Amelia, Alvina?

President Julio Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Major General of the Panaraguan Freedom Army of 1972, boards a plane to Monterosa in the next two hours. All you need to be worrying about is how to fake his assassination and bring him back as Pablo Pérez García. Once that's been accomplished, finding your friends will be our next priority. Oleg, show me the model. This is a model of Plaza de la Sangre Martirzada.

That's the palace. Yes, Palacio de Santa María de la Purísima Salvat Romero. It takes up the whole north side of the square. And that's the balcony where he'll address the crowds? Yes. That's where we want him shot. That's a church? Iglesia de las Lagrimas Puras, yes.

Tick-tock does a rock, spin a hedgehog in a sock. We want Perez up in the tower with a rifle. He can get a good aim from up there. Also, getting back down will take a while. We need as much time as possible between the assassination and Perez reaching the palace. How do we make sure he's in the tower? We need someone to tip him off about Julio's spontaneous return to Panaragua. It'll have to be someone from the president's inner circle.

Won't that be suspicious? Do you know how much his staff hates him? Just last week his chef served him an empanada stuffed with cyanide. His doctor hooked him up to a mercury drip. His fitness instructor hit him over the head with a dumbbell. And his driver fitted his car with an ejector seat. In that case it has to be the bodyguard. the dumbbell and his driver fitted his car with an ejector seat. In that case it has to be the bodyguard. He tells Perez when Julio intends to appear on

the balcony and gives him instructions on where to aim. The president will be wearing a bulletproof vest? No. Too risky. You want to give Perez a fake bullet? How? No. The shot must be real. So… We surround the whole balcony with bulletproof glass, but the bodyguard tells Perez there's a weak point.

He says he'll set up the bulletproof screens in such a way that they're not perfectly aligned with the palace wall. There's a tiny gap. Pablo Perez-Garcia is an excellent marksman. Exactly. If he aims for the spot where the screen meets the palace wall, the bullet will whistle through the gap and hit Julio's chest from the side. Or so it will seem. In reality, the bullet simply bounces off the screen. On hearing the bang, Julio collapses.

Do the Kremlin kitchens stock cornstarch, onion flakes, food coloring, chocolate syrup and HP sauce? Um, what for? Blood. I'll give Bogdan Bazhanov my very own recipe. Tell him to follow it to a T. Блуд. Я дам Богдану Баженову свою собственную рецепту. Поверни его к чайнику. Мы не можем его мангать так, как он мангал кокос. Олег, сделай так, чтобы он сразу к Богдану. Да.

Быстро, быстро. Голосы гаснут и спинят, чтобы увидеть, кто снял удар. Они смотрят в церковь, и там, в тавре, Пабло Перез Гарсия, бронирует его рифл и пунчает в воздух. Голосы гаснут, who fired the shot. They look up to the church, and up there in the tower is Pablo Perez Garcia, brandishing his rifle and punching the air. The crowd cheers. Perez drapes the rebel's orange flag from the tower. The crowd goes bananas. Amid the commotion, the bodyguard pulls Julio into the palace. Perez descends the tower and crosses the square to the palace. With the crowds,

the hugging, kissing, and posing for selfies, it'll take him at least 20 minutes to get there. 20 minutes in which we have to turn President Julio Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Major General of the Panaraguan Freedom Army of 1972 into Pablo Perez Garcia. Yes. And how do we do that?

I don't have a fucking clue. What? I don't have a fucking clue! But... is this a trick? Boris, which part of I don't have a fucking clue don't you understand? But you're the expert! But I'm not Kozlovsky! You need a surgeon? I need a genius.

I've got an idea. Come with me. I'm sorry? Come with me. Where are we going? Are we going back to the Kremlin? No. But we're leaving Golovkin? No. So where are we going? Next cell on your right.

Huh? This one over here. What the... Relax. It's just a dragonfly. What is this? Cell 405. You said you need the genius. Who?

Careful. Look where you're going, please. You almost trod on a Euspinolia militaris. They're extremely rare. A Euspin... what now? A panda ant. Ant? Well, panda ants aren't actually ants.

They're a type of wingless wasp known from the mutility family. Ant. It does look like an ant, though, doesn't it? Don't let its cute appearance fool you, though. Panda ants aren't called cow killers for nothing. Their sting is fierce. Oh, for God's sake, ant! Who? Hello.

I believe you're old friends. I'm not your friends, is the... Have you brought the plans? Excuse me? You've brought the cyborg plans from London. Thank God. I've been trying to rebuild it for weeks. I inserted a microchip into a lava just like before, but the insect's nerves and muscles have failed to intertwine with the circuit.

I've been racking my brains about what I'm doing wrong. And now, let me see those plans... I don't have the plans. They're still in London? Perhaps. You've lost them? No. So?

I left them at the office. The office may have been raided by now. Or Alvina might have taken the plans with her. God, I don't know. And where's she? I wish I could tell you. But this cloud... You've obviously got a lot of catching up to do.

Sorry, but I'm actually rather busy. I'm extracting the luciferase from a firefly and injecting it into a watercress plant to make it glow. I'm going to use it as my desk lamp. Imagine if our homes and streets could all be illuminated by plants. Think of the electricity, we would say. The two of you are going to collaborate. Excuse me? What use is he without the plans? He doesn't know a weevil from a water bug. Can I please get back to my bioluminescent watercress? We've got bigger things to focus on than watercress. This is ridiculous. What we need is a surgeon, not an insect enthusiast. What's that supposed

to mean? With the greatest respect, Ant, what do you know about medical procedures? Name an ailment and I'll give you an insect to remedy it. The venom of the South American devil ant is the best modern treatment for arthritis. Silkworm extracts can cure seizure disorders. The antimicrobial compound produced by blowflies is an anti-tumor agent. The venom of Polybia paulista kills cancer cells without harming normal cells. The flea itself... This is all extremely fascinating, but I'm afraid none of this helps the case in hand. What about the black mountain ant?

What about it? It's widely used in traditional Chinese medicine and is basically a cure-all. Yep. Well, even if we threw a lorryload of black mountain ants at this problem, it still wouldn't solve it. You haven't even told me what the problem is. Shit. Shit! Yes. Yes, yes, of course. Yes, I will be right back. I have to see Mikhail. He wants a status update. What will you tell him? I'll tell him everything is under control and that we're good to go in one and a half hours.

But we don't have a strategy! Make sure that when I come back, we do. Get working. Get working. So, it's come to this. I'm in a Russian prison cell with a dipterologist. Follow me. It's quieter in my lab. How are you enjoying Golovin? Well, it's not exactly Claridge's, but until a few hours ago I was perfectly content here. They try and keep us happy.

Us? Have you met any of the other Block D inmates? Oh, I try not to socialise with arsonists and axe murderers. This isn't where they keep the criminals. This is the VIP block. What do you mean? This corridor is home to some of the brightest brains in astronomy, linguistics and computer science.

And they put me with you? Hiroshi, next door, is Japan's most eminent robotics engineer. They captured and brought him here to create the world's first robotic ballerina. Well, fry me like a sausage. Then there's Abd al-Rahman Safar. The psychic? Didn't he go missing right after he was on the late show with Stephen Colt? Oh, I see.

He's right here in cell 233 using clairvoyance to help the Russians obtain state secrets. Well, dip me in ketchup and call me a French fry. What about you? What did they bring you here for? I'm here to help their ally, the President of Panaragua. What? President Julio Che Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Major General of the Panaraguan Freedom Army of 1972? Yes, Julio. Julio. He said I could call him that. Oh yes, hit it off, did you? What's your problem, Ant? He's a monster. Well, yes, but in his defence...

Do you know how much destruction he has caused? Well, sure. Raising the Canario National Forest and evicting the Taipecan people was a tad ruthless. It was barbaric! Oh, I didn't know you were such a champion of the Taipecan tribe. Not the tribe. The insects. Of course. such a champion of the Taipecan tribe. Not the tribe. The insects.

Of course. That forest was home to more than 30 million species. That's 700 species per tree. The leafcutter ant, the weaver ant, the bullet ant, the lanternfly, the jumping stick, the flannel moth caterpillar, the assassin bug, the barbaby, the leaf mimic Katie did, the wasp... And you're not seriously going to reel off all 30 million of them? What I'm trying to say is that your friend Julio is a very bad man.

You mustn't help him. Oh, but I will. And so will you. Me? You heard Boris. He wants us to collaborate. Never. In that case, we'll end up in the Golovin basement.

The basement? Yes. They took poor Wolfgang there when he refused to hand over his plans for the solar-powered tank. So you'll help me? What do I need to do? That's the spirit, Ant. Thank you. All you have to do is turn this man into this man. Is that a joke? I wish it was. That's impossible. Come on, Ant. You're better than this.

What do you expect me to do? Tell me there's an earthworm that will do the trick. You're right. I'm sorry, Ant. This is ridiculous. I don't know what Boris was thinking. We can get rid of the acne. What? Wait, it's a start, right?

Perez's face is as smooth as a baby's bum, whereas Julio looks like Quasimodo. Right, yes, OK. How do we get rid of the acne? like Quasimodo. Right, yes, OK. How do we get rid of the acne? Scholopendrid centipedes have antimicrobial peptides that can cure eczema. OK, how long does that take? How long have we got? Twenty minutes. Oh. In that case, we're going to have to go with red-fanged tropical fire ants instead.

Now, a colony of those will strip the acne from his face in no time. But it will hurt. Ah, we can mitigate the pain by administering three milligrams of venom from the Japanese giant hornet. That will work as a local anaesthetic. Good, good, yes, an anaesthetic is good. Perez only has one ear, so we'll have to snip Julio's right ear off. In that case, let's double the venom dosage. We can get maggots to clean the wound afterwards.

Maggots? It's a popular battlefield therapy. They munch on rotting flesh, leaving healthy tissue practically unscathed. They'll have the wound cleaned quicker Maggots? It's a popular battlefield therapy. They munch on rotting flesh, leaving healthy tissue practically unscathed. They'll have the wound cleaned quicker than any doctor could. Right. Next, we're going to need web spinner silk. It's one of the strongest natural fibres and ideal for skin grafts. We're going to have to move Julio's nose slightly to the left. How do we do that? We could always try the Canadian woodcutter bug. The Canadian woodcutter bug?

Look, do you want me to try this thing or not? I... I want Kozlovsky. Where is Kozlovsky? Guys, guys, check the bag. What? There's a sip bag in the back. Jesus, there's a corpse in there. No, it's not a corpse.

The surgeon. Sorry? The surgeon. At least we have the surgeon. Apparently he drugged himself for the escape. That's crazy. I wouldn't talk. I saw you with three Bloody Marys on the flight here.

Oh, shut up. What's that? Nothing. We were just discussing three Bloody Marys on the flight here. Oh, shut up. What's that? Nothing. We were just discussing who will drive the van to the embassy. What do you mean, the embassy? The American embassy. We're taking the surgeon to our holding cell. No, no, no, no. We're going straight back to Tem's house. You just lost the others. I think it's clear that we need some professionals to step in here. We lost?

Calm down, everyone. We're supposed to be collaborating anyway, aren't we? What difference does it make where we take him? What difference does it make? We're in England, Britain, the United Kingdom. Make up your mind. This is our territory. We're taking him to the U.S. Embassy.

End of discussion. You're not. We are. You're not. We are. You're not. We are. Please, stop. Jesus. We're not going to solve this with a shouting match. Then how? I don't know. Let's call our bosses.

You're kidding, right? We call Miss Kennedy and we have a major diplomatic incident on our hands. Northcott isn't much better. Actually, Carl, I don't think we should underestimate Northcott. I reckon she'll understand. Understand what? Jackie, I think you're right. Was it Jackie? Agent Williams to you.

Agent Williams. Yeah, yeah, I agree. We need to cooperate. I say we take him to the US Embassy. Really? Wait, really? I'll just call Northcott and inform her of our decision. Sure.

It won't take a jiffy. Cole, will you join me? I might need, uh, support. Have you gone balmy? It'll be fine. Come on now. Come on. Yeah, let's just call the number here And There we go Ringing Hello there I just need to inform you about something

What are you doing? I'm not actually calling, listen to me Yes, ma'am Yes, of course Sure When we get into that van, we're not driving to the embassy. We lose the Yanks at Elephant and Castle. What? Of course, ma'am. We'll make sure the Americans have our full support.

And now what's that? Americans don't get roundabouts, and those who don't even know which side of the road to drive on. Are you with me? Sure, sure. Great, ma'am. I'll pass that on to Agents Williams and Fox. Now, act normal. Okay. I've spoken to our

boss and... What the... No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. For Pete's sake! They nicked the van and the surgeon. They nicked the van. And the surgeon. They nicked the van and the surgeon right in front of our eyes. That's not how we do things here.

Fuck. Fuckity fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. You know what we've got to do? What? Pull a Columbus double. Right. Hey, you! MI5!

I'm commandeering this car. State business. Catching criminals, you know. Really? Give me your keys. For queen and country. Come on, mate. Yeah, alright.

Don't worry. We'll get them. Good luck! I guess. We slather his face with mosquito saliva, inject bog wasp venom into his cheeks to make them swell, change his hair colour with cochineal dye, gel it back with spittlebug secretions,

and from a distance, he could pass as Pablo Perez Garcia. What are the odds of this working? One in three. Hundred. What do you think? In the last year, I've shot a priest from a cannon, orchestrated a Martian invasion, overseen a brain swap, turned a reindeer into a horse, and replicated the Loch Ness Monster.

But changing a man's appearance through insect therapy is... the most amusing scheme I have ever had the pleasure of being involved in. Let's do it! Sounds crazy. I know! Too crazy. That's what they said about the cybug. What are the other options? This is all we've got.

What are the other options? This is all we've got. You've got all the specimens you need? Yes. Start packing them up. So we're actually... You leave for Monterosa in half an hour. Great! I've always wanted to go to Panaragua. The titan beetles there can grow up to 20 centimetres.

Can I go too? Yes. What, really? No. You bastard. In order to transport the insects, Да. Да. Да. Да. Да. Да. Да. Да.

Да. Да. Да. Да. Да. Да. Да. Да.

Да. Да. Да. Да. Да. Да. Да. Да.

Да. Да. Да. No. Oh. Oh, the blood. Yes. Let's see how that Bogdan fellow got on with my recipe. Yes. Plastic containers. Block D, please. Color? Good. Consistency? A bit runny, but it will do.

Now, if I pour some of it onto the floor... Maggots, sawflies, a jumping plant louse, a stink bug, a dozen shining leaf chafers, two dozen leaf-rolling weevils, a jar of spider wasps, thorn bugs, red-fanged tropical fire ants, spittle bugs, Canadian woodcutter bugs. We hope you enjoyed this episode. We have one more early release for you, the episode Alvina, which will release on the first Monday of 2021. And after that, we'll finalise the remaining nine episodes once we reach 450 patrons. If you'd like to help us with that, go to ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show. Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first, the credits. This episode was written and directed by Philip Thorne and Einstein Breger,

with sound design by Dominic Hargreaves and Frederick Barden. It featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Alex Scott Fairley as Ant, Andre Zayat as Boris, Alexander Mercury as Oleg, The episode was recorded at the Bridge Writing Studio in London. as Alvina, Laurie Martinez as Savannah, and additional voices by James Carney. The episode was recorded at the Bridge Writing Studio in London, Love Tracks Torn Studio in Lüneburg, Germany, Studio Ochenta in Paris, and Loudoun County Public Library in Virginia, USA. The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions with graphic design by Anders Pedersen. Thank you to Lala Drona for script consultancy.

And thank you to our super patrons, Jem Fiddick, Angel Acevedo, Sophie Leveso, Sophia Anderson and Kate Sukiyasu. We are so immensely grateful for your kind support. For today's epilogue, we thought we'd play you a few more listener voicemails. We've been receiving quite a few voicemails from you over the past few weeks, some intriguing, some hilarious, some completely bonkers, others baffling, and some downright terrifying, like the person who called us a few days ago and screamed their lungs out for one minute straight. Don't worry, we won't play you that one.

If you want to call us, well, we're not just going to give you a number, that would be too easy, but you should be able to figure it out. Anyway, here are two more voicemails. to figure it out. Anyway, here are two more voicemails. bored. I've literally done like everything you can think of from cooking to painting to knitting to traveling to doing sports, skiing, mountain climbing, bicycling, being in movies, joining councils, everything you can imagine. Don't want to bore you with the nitty-gritty details and it's just it's just nothing's good

also people oh so tired of people every time i interact with them i just really want to, like, take a spork and gouge my eyes out. I can't deal with it anymore. So, I'm just looking for something new, a fresh new sight. I think that would be really exciting. Yeah. Well, uh, but call me back. Thanks. Bye. Okay, listen. I-I-I know it's late, but I gotta go. Thanks. Bye. Okay, listen. I know it's late, but I gotta go. I need to disappear. They're trying. They're fucking after me.

They're rats. The rats are here. They're trying to steal my foot. Nobody fucking believes me, but they're trying to steal my foot. Shit. Shit. Shit. Okay, look if you don't get back to me they're gonna... Oh shit! Your attention.

It is I, your Presidente Julio Che Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Mayor General of the Panaraguan Freedom Army of 1972. And I have a message muy importante for you. Now, go to patreon.com slash ameliap Amelia podcast and sign up today. There is an order. Palarawa depends on you.

The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish. If you love actual plays D&D, Hades, or Greek mythology and improv, be sure to check out Rogue Runners Volume 1 in the Blood to follow the adventures of Alexander the Great, King of Macedon, and Drunk Paladin. Oh, sorry. I guess now I'm Alexander the Grump. Rolf, part-time sorcerer, full-time boomer. Is it a sex thing? It was a sex thing! Arete, stealthy rogue and even thirstier mobster.

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