The Amelia Project - Episode 36 - Protein Bar

Episode Date: May 9, 2021

“Oh god. I feel... drowsy. Where am I?” Episode 36, Season 3. With Julia Morizawa, Julia Thorne, Josh Callahan, Lory Martinez, Federico Trujillo, Alex Scott Fairley, James Carney and Alvaro Flores. Written by Oystein Brager. Story editing by Philip Thorne. Directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager. Sound design by Dominic Hargreaves. Music and sound direction by Fredrik Baden. Graphic design by Anders Pedersen. For full credits see our website. The Amelia Project is an audio fiction series. We recommend starting at the beginning. Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. If you’re not comfortable with this, stop listening. Now. The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network. Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partners Website: ameliapodcast.com Transcripts: ameliapodcast.com/transcripts Twitter: @amelia_podcast Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Summer's here, and you can now get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? You can't get a well-groomed lawn delivered, but you can get chicken parmesan delivered. Sunshine? No. Some wine? Yes. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol in select markets. See app for details.

Cold tapes. A gripping crime story that will chill you to the bone. You know, life on the base means, well, it's close to six months without light. That does things to people that study that he was doing to watch us and then set off us like mice around this special little experiment how many people are on this base 16 on this one someone amongst them is our killer experience cold tapes the murder mystery podcast game. Start your investigation where you get your podcasts. Hello everyone, we're back with a new episode and as always we want to start by thanking

all those kind people who make this show possible. Our patrons. Our patrons pitch in with a few dollars per episode and it ensures that we can pay the actors and designers who work on the show. Today's episode is dedicated to Stefanie Weitenhiller from Vienna, who has been a regular patron for a while and recently she very kindly increased her pledge to become a super patron. So dankeön für deine superliebe Unterstützung, Stephanie. This episode is dedicated to you and your dog Bon Jovi. Enjoy the show. Oh god. Oh. Oh, I feel drowsy. Where am I?

Oh. It's dark. Oh, I can hardly move. What's this? Too bright. Oh, everything is white. I can't see anything. Oh, good. These lights dim.

That's better. Amelia? Amelia, is that you? It's me. Where are you? I'm in a weird little room. Me too. It's like a capsule. That's... odd. I can't remember going to bed in a capsule. Did we drink last night?

Not more than usual. I don't think. Wait, what was yesterday again? Oh, my head hurts. There's this thing right in front of my face. I think it's a screen and a set of speakers. These walls are draped in silk. Are your walls draped in silk? Hey, is this a karaoke room? I can do total eclipse of the heart.

Don't remember the words, but I know the melody. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Can you remember if we booked any trips to Japan? I don't think so. This is very snug in here. But my mind is a bit hazy. I might go back to sleep. The last thing I remember is being in a car and we were on a dirt road and I think there was a bus and... Then I can't remember. Everything else is so nice. Why is this pillow so lumpy? I'm hungry.

Alvina, are you hungry? Ooh, not anymore. I just found a protein bar under my pillow. Ooh, maybe I have one too. Wait a minute. Did you say protein bar? Oh, shit. I have several protein bars.

No wonder the pillow was lumpy. Shit, shit, shit. Why are you swearing? It's a fancy kind. With cranberries. Alvina, I know where we are. Do you? How?

Do you have a window? Ugh, unfair. Hey, my TV just came on. Your TV come on? Shh. Hi there. How are you feeling? Still a little sleepy? Well, don't worry. It does wear off.

What an ugly man. Alvina, shush. And get your act together. I feel sick. I might have a concussion. Now figure this. Your death has just been faked. I hope it wasn't too much of an inconvenience. What am I saying, as if I care? Anyhow, I just wanted to introduce myself. My name is Mateo, and I have the pleasure of wishing you a very hearty welcome to the Incognito Project.

Motherfucking shitballs. The Amelia Project. Created by Philip Thorne and Ostein Braga. With music by Frederik Badl. Episode 36. Protein Bar. Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Here at the Incognito Project, we are dedicated to the welfare of our clients. And kidnappees.

The two can blur sometimes. Why won't this lid open? To ensure that your fake death is as comfortable as possible, we are proud to introduce the next big thing in death factory, the smart coffin. How are you finding yours? Locked. I hope the mattress is soft enough for you.

It's too soft. My back hurts. It's eiderdown. Bah! Only the best is good enough for our customers. Is this pre-recorded? And also those in involuntary captivity. Hello? Can you hear me? You can't hear me.

Damn, I have a thing or two I want to say to that guy. Yeah, like that type really doesn't go with that shirt. How dare he kidnap us? How dare he? Now, the Smart Coffin has more state-of-the-art features than just a soft mattress. In addition to the complimentary oxygen tanks, back massage technology, retractable mirror ball, and broadband, note that some internet content is restricted, such as email messaging boards and social media. You can also enjoy our fully functional entertainment system. The hard drive is preloaded with all 10 seasons of Friends and the best

13 films starring Jean-Claude Van Damme. If I may suggest Sudden Death, that stars Jean-Claude Van Damme as Darren McCord, a retired firefighter who must stop the terrorists who have kidnapped the vice president at the Stanley Cup finals. And not only that, there's even a built-in game. I hope it's Tetris. At least I like Tetris. It's everyone's favorite frog, Frogger. See if you can cross that road. Frogger? Really? Finally, if you're hungry, you'll find some delicious protein bars under your pillow. The posh kind.

If you're here for a short stay, you'll find one or two. If we planned a slightly longer stay for you, there'll be three or four. One, three, seven. I think that's it. Nine? What? How long are you planning on keeping us here? Now, just lean back and relax. Wait a minute. And let us take care of your upcoming re-app- What's this button?

Hey there. You little piece of shit. You sniveling worm of a man. Oh, how the hell? That feature is supposed to be turned off. What? The feature that lets me talk back? Yeah. Well, too bad. You can hear me now.

And before you say anything, I just want to point out that you are a pockmark of a man. You are a pathetic excuse for a death faker. It's people like you who give our industry a bad name. Damn, these new drugs have some horrible side effects. What? The drugs. They're not supposed to make you like this. They're supposed to knock you out. Look, here on the bottle, side effects. Headache. Doesn't say anything about turning you into a raging maniac. Have you considered that I might be acting like a raging maniac because you kidnapped me? Relax. It's not that bad. You're not dead. Are you sure? Because this is hell. Are you not a fan of

friends? Are you more of a Seinfeld person? Oh, for God's sake. You know what? Fair is fair. I do owe you an apology. Really? Only one? I never gave you a proper interview. I seem to remember you trying and me planting a dart very close to your hiney. Well, I seem to remember focusing a lot on the Amelia Project and not so much on the Project Amelia. So what do you say we do that right now? Just get a pen. Now, why do you want to fake your death? I don't.

But if you did? This is ridiculous. Is it because your company is on the run from MI5? Or is there another, more personal story lurking somewhere out there in the background? Okay, let me guess. You never wanted this job, right? You only took it because of your grandmother, but now you're tired of running the family business? You want to live your dream? Take up ballet classes or become a world champion in darts? Am I close? Not remotely.

Come on. You hate your life at least a little bit. Why don't you wring that sour dishcloth you call a brain one more time and see if you can squeeze out another asinine theory? Then let's move on to the actual disappearance. I'm afraid it's too late to let you choose, but I hope you're happy with the one we chose for you. The one that gave me a splitting headache and landed me in prison in a coffin. Yeah, sure, that was great. Come on. You don't want to know how we pulled it off just a little bit? Not really. You don't want to know how we pulled it off just a little bit? Not really. Oh, come on. Ask me.

Please ask. Please. Please. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please. So that you can brag about it? I prefer not to. I'm going to tell you anyway. It was precise and inconspicuous and had a real vintage quality. Bus crash.

Huh? Right? A classic incognito project disappearance. Classic incognito project? Hardly. Last month, you sunk a 200-foot luxury yacht just to fake the death of one deckhand. That is classic incompetent project. Incognito project?

Did I misspeak? Well, the bus crash was ingenious. You remember the mate you bought at the roadside stand? Yeah, we spiked it. Got you there, right? Easy peasy, sour-sop, squeezy. Then it was just a matter of ramming a bus into your car hard enough for you to almost die, but not so hard that you actually died.

The drugs that we gave you made your body limp, which softened the blow. After we extracted you, we set fire to the car to make it look like it exploded in the crash. So when they pulled out your replacement corpses from the wreckage, they were smoked and charred like a Texas brisket. You know? Yeehaw! Pow, pow, pow! You could have killed us, you moron! Right, well, we didn't, did we?

Amateur! Am I? Think about it. Ask me how we found you. How did I know that you were in Panaragua? Fine. How did you find us? Check your blazer pocket.

Your business card. There's a tracker in it. How did you know I wouldn't throw it away? Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer. I gambled on your predictability. Dammit. It was lucky that you ended up here, though. That made things a hell of a lot easier for us.

We specialize in South America, remember? What do you want? Same as before. Your surgeon. I told you, he's not for sale. You are surprisingly stubborn. How long are you planning on keeping us in these coffins? Oh, I was in this for the long haul. I was gonna keep you for as long as it took me to track down your surgeon. Was? Yeah. You're lucky, actually, because if you spend too many weeks in a smart coffin, your muscles can start to atrophy. You know, Kevin, my assistant, he spent...

What do you mean, was going to? What's your new plan? Are you going to kill us? No, I'm not a barbarian. I don't know about the Amelia Project, but at the Incognito Project, we have standards. So what do you want? I don't understand.

Well, I've just gotten a hold of your surgeon, so now all you have to do is wait for him to wake up. You have Kozlovsky? Yeah. Duh. What did you think? As soon as he's conscious, I'll get him to sign our contract, and then, you know, we'll negotiate salary, annual leave, 401k, free bagel Fridays in the break room, and then he'll get right to work on your face. My face?

So by the time he's done, you'll be completely unrecognizable and you can be safely released to your new life. So that's... Oh, right. Of course, almost forgot. We're doing your replacement interview, right? And where would you like to resurface? With a fistful of darts up your behind.

Ooh, not currently available. Do you have a second choice? As a road worker, scraping your intestines off a sidewalk. I feel like you're not taking this seriously. Oh, I'm serious. Oh, hey, how about I place you on that quinoa plantation we talked about? Lots of sun and exercise, all the ancient grains you can eat, you know? Those quinoa trees, they don't grow themselves, you know.

Quinoa doesn't grow on trees, you idiot. Tree, bush, plant, whatever. I'm sure you're going to be very happy there. Screw you. Okay. Well, you have a lovely little rest now. Try watching an episode of Friends. Maybe it'll loosen you up.

I recommend the one with Chandler in a box. That's a good one. Cantankerous rat. recommend the one with Chandler in a box. That's a good one. Cantankerous rat. Did I sleep through the whole program? Alvina, we've been kidnapped. What? By the Incognito Project. Oh. Oh. And they've got Kozlovsky. Kozlovsky's here? I don't know how, but they say they've got him. They're just waiting for him to wake up. Well, he did knock himself out pretty good before we left. That's ages ago. Maybe they drugged him when they kidnapped him. I didn't think anyone else's drugs worked on him.

At least now we know where he is. So, what are we going to do? I don't know. This is so frustrating. Above our heads, geopolitics are waiting for us. Meanwhile, we are forced to watch Friends on repeat. We were in the middle of a revolution for Pete's sake. Shit, Perez, and Savannah. Damn, we were on our way to Monterosa.

Ugh, it completely slipped my mind. It's those goddamn drugs they gave us. We were drugged? So I'm not hungover then. You might be. It's those goddamn drugs they gave us. You might be. I have a vague recollection of drinking too much vino tinto in a makeshift bomb shelter. I don't know. I dread to think about it.

He looks angry. I think he is angry. Is he gonna kill me? He's executed people for less. I just gave him bad angry. I think he is angry. Is he going to kill me? He's executed people for less. I just gave him bad news. I know. I'm just a palace guard. I'm not important.

I'm a henchman. We're thirteen to the dozen. There's no need to kill me. I don't make a difference. Which makes it all the easier to get rid of you. I'd get out of here now if I were you. I think I will. Where did he go? I don't know.

What impertinence telling me that Pablo Perez Garcia is dead. I thought you wanted Perez dead. I do. So, why are you... Nobody asks me questions. Sorry. But, you are right. I am furious.

Because I was going to be the one to kill him. Apart from that, I'm ecstatic. Pablo Perez Garcia is dead. He is dead. He is dead! Oye, muchacho, vamos! Insect Man, we are going to the palace. I'm not sure that's wise. We should consult with the Kremlin first.

Julio Chirrigues Álvarez de la Fuente, Mayor General of the Panaragua and Freedom Army of 1972, doesn't consult with anyone. Not when there is a war to be won. But I really don't think we should. Shouldn't we at least call Boris to let him know that... Now get in the helicopter. I am about to take back

my country. I'm really worried about Perez and Savannah. Do you think the Incognito Project have killed them? Well, they don't need them, so... But if they have, there'll be

no revolution. Without a leader, there's no guarantee the rebels will manage to beat the military or take over the palace. There's no one to stand on the balcony and declare victory. Which means that psychopath Julio Che Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Major General of the Panaraguan Freedom Army of 1970's Sugartit, will continue to sodomize this country for all eternity. We failed. We had a job, and we failed.

I don't like saying this, but... Fuck! Everything is so completely messed up right now. I don't think it can get any worse. Hello. Yeah, hi. What is this bullshit? Hi there. What? Oh, so you're awake now. Great.

Well, then maybe one of you can explain to me why this goddamn surgeon of yours won't speak. Because he's knocked out? He woke up, you moron. But he won't say anything, and it's driving me crazy. I see. Get him to talk. I can't. Then you, plain Jane, you get him to talk.

My name is Alvina. Then you, plain Jane, you get him to talk. My name is Alvina. No, your name is... I'm the best in the world at getting the surgeon to talk or else my Jean-Claude Van Damme privileges will be withdrawn. Come on, what's the code word? If Kozlovsky doesn't want to talk, we can't get him to talk. Kozlovsky does what Kozlovsky wants.

Well, all he does is stare at me with those big blue eyes of his, and it's unnerving. And then he plays with that tacky golden python in his ear all the time. Just fiddles with it, fiddles with it, drives me crazy. Did you say golden python? Hey, stop it. I said don't touch that. Knock it off. He's not listening to me. Is he deaf? No, no, no. He's not deaf. The python is sickeningly tacky, but not as sickening as that missing ear.

Ugh, gross. Ugh, stop showing me your ugly ear. Okay, hey, look. I'm not going to shoot you, probably, but what I will do... Okay, hang on, here we go. There we go. Now you're tied to the chair. How do you like that? Huh? Wanted you to sign a contract, but you can't sign a contract with your arms tied behind your back now, can you?

Alvina? Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Maybe? Now I'm gonna pull that ugly orange bandana down over that ugly ear like that, and now I can't see that ugly orange bandana down over that ugly ear like that. And now I can't see that screwed up hole in your head anymore. Just stay there. So ladies, how the hell do I get him to talk? I have one idea.

Yeah? Great. What? You could try to brighten his mood. Sorry, what? He might be a little moody. You should cheer him up. And how do I do that? Try playing some Ed Sheeran for him. Ed Sheeran? Like, ginger glasses, head kind of looks like a Thanksgiving Day Parade float Ed Sheeran? Yeah.

Amelia? Yes? What did you just do? I don't know. Was that a Wait, Float Ed Sheeran? Yeah. Amelia? Yes? What did you just do? I don't know. Was that a good idea? But I don't have too much to play with here. Hello? Yeah, you?

Fuck you. The bastard spat in my face. And he speaks Spanish. And he hates Ed Sheeran. You hear this? And he's not your goddamn surgeon, is he? Okay, listen here. You're going to be in those coffins for a very, very long time. And when you run out of protein bars, I am going to replace them with the cheap version that's just palm kernel oil, syrup, and very low quality raisins. And your TV privileges are cut completely. Only Frogger from now on.

And you're going to stay in those coffins until I find your actual surgeon. And I don't care if it takes me a century. That's a hundred years. You are grounded. I am very disappointed in you. I don't think it was a good idea. At least now we know Perez is alive. Still.

Actually, I think this is great. Great? What is great? Mateo doesn't realize who he's captured. He truly doesn't know who Perez is, which means he doesn't know what we're involved in. So? So he isn't about to come up with some messed up plan. Right now, Mateo is only focused on finding Kozlovsky. For the time being, that gives us leverage. How? I have a plan. We just need to get out of these coffins. Now, I've tried kicking the lid, but brute force won't do it. the lid, but brute force won't do it. Um, Amelia? Yes? I sort of hesitate to say this.

What? Oh, don't tell me you've got a Swiss army knife in your pocket. I mean, do, do tell me you've got a- Not quite. It's something even better. Well, what is it? Approximately two inches above your hip. Can you feel a screw in the sideboard? Yes. Okay. Now, just over that screw, can you feel a small crevice in the wood? Um, yes, I think so. It's very slight. Good. Good.

Um, try to slide your nail into the crevice. What are you... Just do it, please. I'm doing it. Good. Good, um, try to slide your nail into the crevice. What are you- Just do it, please. I'm doing it. Good. Just keep going until it stops. Sure. And then just a little bit further. I-

You have to push a bit. What just happened? We should be able to slide the lids open now. Alvina! Amelia! Good to be out of that thing. Although the coffin was at least warm. This basement is really cold.

Alvina, how the hell did you know about that? The emergency latch. I may have designed it. Sorry? It's a very important feature in case something goes wrong. It was very unprofessional of the Incognito Project not to mention... You designed it? Um... Yes. What the hell

are you talking about? Kozlovsky and Salvatore weren't that fussed, but I insisted, for the sake of health and safety... Are you saying you and Kozlovsky and Salvatore weren't that fussed, but I insisted, for the sake of health and safety... Are you saying you and Kozlovsky and Salvatore have worked for our competitor? Do you remember that time when we had no money and you were angry because a certain you-know-who had spent too much on a disappearance? Which one of those times? That happens every second week. Well, we temporarily took on some consulting work.

For the incognito project? We were in some really bad debt For the incognito project? We were in some really bad debt at the time. Why didn't you come to me? Because you came to me. Oh, what do you mean? You came to me with a terrifying looking bank statement and said, just sort this out. I don't care how, you can pimp out Joey for all I care. Ah, that time. I do remember saying that. Well, aren't you happy to know our income didn't come from pimping out Joey? I suppose I'm glad you didn't actually consider prostituting one of our henchmen, yes. It wasn't so much not considering it as nobody wanting him.

But still, it worked out great. Kozlovsky got to test his idea. I mean, smart coffins, right? And we got some revenue. And everyone is happy. Did Matteo know he bought the idea from us? Oh, God, this is embarrassing. Of course not.

I set up a subsidiary company. It was called Falsa Mortem Consultancy. And saw the drawings to the incognito project. Who followed the blueprints exactly. Well, apart from the entertainment system. There was supposed to be an Xbox in there. But why sell it to those idiots? Why aren't we using the smart coffins?

Amelia, come on. Smart coffins? It's an idiotic idea. Practical, efficient, sure. But it has no flair. The first time, maybe. But after that, it's just routine. We're better than that.

You sound like him. Yeah, I'm quoting him, actually. Kozlovsky and I presented the idea to him way before the consulting work. Then we never did anything with it, so when we suddenly got a chance... Look, there's another coffin. Quick! Is there a safety latch on the outside? Let me. Savannah.

Savannah, wake up. What? What is going on? Where are we? Did we miss the revolution? I sincerely hope not. I have no idea what day it is, never mind what time it is. They took my phone.

Mine too. That's okay. I have mine. What? Why didn't they take yours? They did, but they forgot my smartwatch. Let's see. You have a smartwatch? Yes. Why wouldn't I? I don't know. I just thought... Lady, catch up. We're in the 21st century. The revolution will be televised and revolutionaries have smart watches. Let's see. Gracias a Dios. We haven't been here very long, just a few hours. There is still time to get to Monterrosa. Where's Perez? This guy Mateo is holding him hostage. Where? We don't know. I think I know. Listen. Above us.

We hope you enjoyed today's episode. In today's episode, you heard about Alvina setting up a subsidiary company to sell the plans for the Smart Coffin. We will be telling that story this coming Saturday, the 15th of May, as part of our next Coco Corner video live stream. We will be performing a sketch called Falsa Mortem Consultancy, featuring the interviewer Alvina and Mateo. We'll also be revealing the winners of our Patreon caption competition. And as always, we'll give you behind the scenes updates and you'll have the opportunity to ask questions. The Cocoa Corner will be available live or on replay for all $5 patrons.

To join our Patreon community, go to ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show. Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits. This episode was written by Einstein Breger with story and audio editing by Philip Thorne. It was directed by Philip Thorne and Einstein Breger with sound design by Dominic Hargreaves and music by Frederick Thorne. It was directed by Philip Thorne and Ostein Breger, with sound design by Dominic Hargreaves and music by Frederick Barden. It featured Julia Morizawa as Emilia, Julia C.

Thorne as Alvina, Josh Callaghan as Mateo, Alex Scott Fairley as Ant, Alvaro Flores as the guard, James Carney as Julio, Federico Trujillo as Pablo Perez-Garcia, and Laurie Martinez as Savannah. The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions with graphic design by Anders Pedersen. Thank you to all our patrons and a special shout out to our super patrons Sophia Anderson, Kate Sukuyasu, Sophie Leveso, Jem Fiddick, Alban Assant, Travis Curtin, Rushabh Shukla, Amelie Harris, Stephanie Weitenhiller, to whom this episode is dedicated, and hello and thank you to our two new super patrons, Chloe Lefferman and Elizabeth Curry. For transcripts, merch, Amelia news and ways to support us, visit ameliapodcast.com Oh, please. Stop singing. Más vencidos por los del cielo, las aves abajo ya.

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That's when things got weird. And we haven't even gotten to the torso yet. If they don't kill each other first, that is. Well, you've got another thing coming. You know, I think it's you've got another thing coming. Or perhaps there's something else between them. Well, if the feeling's mutual, call it a mutual feeling. Arden, a podcast about crime, romance, and everything else.

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