The Amelia Project - Episode 41 - The Real President - Season 3 Finale

Episode Date: July 18, 2021

“Why do people in this country always hide in the shadows?!” Episode 41, Season 3 Finale. With Federico Trujillo, Julia Morizawa, Julia C. Thorne, James Carney, Lory Martinez, Alex Scott Fairley and Alexander Mercury. Written by Oystein Brager. Story editing by Philip Thorne. Directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager. Sound design by David Devereux and Fredrik Baden. Music by Fredrik Baden. Graphic design by Anders Pedersen. Production assistance by Maty Parzival. For full credits see our website. The Amelia Project is an audio fiction series. We recommend starting at the beginning. Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. If you’re not comfortable with this, stop listening. Now. The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network. Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partners Website: ameliapodcast.com Transcripts: ameliapodcast.com/transcripts Twitter: @amelia_podcast Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Summer's here, and you can now get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? You can't get a well-groomed lawn delivered, but you can get chicken parmesan delivered. Sunshine? No. Some wine? Yes. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol in select markets. See app for details. Hello, it's Pip, and we're back with your bi-weekly dose of death fakery. Today's episode is actually the last full episode of Season 3, but fear not, we won't be disappearing from your podcast feeds in fact we've got a surprise for you coming very soon

thanks as always to all our patrons without whom this merry mayhem would grind to a halt and today's episode is dedicated to our super patron victor hesselbaum who wants to fake his death by drowning in a sea of coins after trying to replicate a Scrooge McDuck-type money bin in real life. Anyway, if you're a patron of this show, whether you're pledging $1 or $100, thank you so, so much. Every pledge really helps. Today, it's back to Panaragua. When we last left Emilia Alvina and the rebel leader Pablo Pérez García, they'd been thrown into jail only to find that Pérez' arch-enemy, the dictator Presidente Julio Che Rodríguez Álvarez de la Fuente,

Major General of the Panoramian Freedom Army of 1972, was in the cell next door. Alvina suggested some bonding exercises. Everybody has to share something negative that's happened in their life and try to find the silver lining. So let's see how that's going. I have no choice. I board my jet and tell the pilot we are going to the Hague.

Me, Julio C. Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Mayor General of the Panaragua and Freedom Army of 1972, facing a tribunal at the International Criminal Court. I am a world leader. I don't face courts. I am the courts. I see how that would have felt very embarrassing. How long has this story gone on for now? I think we're approaching four hours.

I should never have suggested doing a bonding exercise. My face was on the front page of all the papers. Panaraguan president fears prison. Lies! I fear nothing! The headlines were great. Tyrant on trial, justice ahead for Taipecan tribe. We were so close. It was very bad for my image.

You know, revolutionaries all over the world have posters of me. With a halo, not with handcuffs. Do they really? My face is on more t-shirts than Che Guevara's. Oh, God, what absolute BS. Amelia, come on. This is supposed to be a safe space. Safe space? Safe space, Alvi- We're incarcerated in something that looks more like a sewage system than a prison.

Don't make fun of the palace prison. Very famous Panaraguans have died down here. We don't seem to be getting a trial. We haven't even been given the courtesy of a lawyer. We'll either rot here for eternity or, if we're lucky, face execution in the morning. There is nothing safe about this situation whatsoever. I know, but the sharing circle is supposed to be a safe...

You were the one who suggested a bonding exercise. I didn't think it was going to last until the wee hours of the morning. May I continue with my story, please? Of course. Then, just as my private jet is about to take off, I get a call. The trial is postponed. Because of a bomb threat. The trial is postponed.

Because of a bomb threat. The court is closed. By the time the trial is rescheduled, we have managed to fabricate evidence against one of my generals. He is still in prison. So I guess that's the silver lining. Um, yes. I suppose so. Great. Was that the last story? Can we go to sleep now?

We need to wrap this up first. Ugh! Now, we've all heard each other's stories. Amelia told us about how she learned to persevere after she failed her first piloting examination. Oh, do we have to bring that up again? It was embarrassing enough the first time.

I shared my experience of stealing my boyfriend's identity while he was rotting next door, which was a bad thing to do. But it did land me a really good job. And Perez... Told us the entire history of the Taipican people, which took forever. My people's history is important. We were supposed to share a personal story. I am a Taipican people, which took forever. My people's history is important. We were supposed to share a personal story.

I am a Taipican. It is personal. Relax. Let's not kill each other, shall we? I'm almost done. What I wanted to say was, don't you feel, now that we've all shared our personal suffering, that we are closer than we were before?

Perez and Julio, for example. My name is... Que cansancio. Don't the two of you just feel a tiny bit more positive towards each other now that you've seen each other's humanity? No. I still want to shred

that man's face with a cheese grater and feed it to the hyenas. And I still want to fill his man's face with a cheese grater and feed it to the hyenas. And I still want to fill his nostrils with D&D and light his mustaches. Well, that team building thing was a load of crap then. Should never have taken that seminar. I think we can be happy you're not working as a UN peace broker. Now, good night. I'm gonna try and get at least a few hours of sleep before sunrise.

Um... Why... Not yet? Why do people in this country always hide in the shadows? Uh, you haven't heard my story yet. What? Who's there? It's me.

Miguel. The president. Miguel, el presidente. The Emilia Project Created by Philip Thorne and Ostein Braga with music and sound direction by Frederick Barden Episode 41 and Ostein Braga with music and sound direction by Frederick Barden. Episode 41. The Real President. Miguel! You slimy snake! What is that filthy rat doing here?

You stole my country! If anyone is a slimy snake, it's the fat poor constrictor who's been choking its own people! Calm down! Why is there so much name-calling? Can't everyone just be nice for a second? Sure. Miguel, I actually appreciate how you stole the country under the nose of my archenemy. Ha! That really made me laugh. And I appreciate how you put that bonehead tyrant

in a smaller cell than mine. My cell is no smaller. It is. There's a huge pipe running through the middle, and that makes your total living area smaller than mine. Ha! Guys, guys. Alvina, how about I take over? Sure. I give up. About time.

So, Miguel, what brings you here? I've not seen the roaring fields in so long. Excuse me? I know I've grown, but... Wait a minute. I can't wait to go home. I'm on my way. No, no, no, no, no!

Driving at 90 down those country lanes Singing to Tiny Tension I miss the way you make me feel I guess you really are, Perez. Are my ears bleeding? Amelia? Uh, they're not bleeding. Perez, I need to speak to you. I have nothing to say to him. Perez, I need to speak to you.

I have nothing to say to him. But I have something to say to you. I owe you an apology. He wants to apologize. For what? Trying to sing me to death? I owe you an apology because... He doesn't owe me an apology.

He owes me a country. I came here because I don't want to be president anymore. I give up. Que? What? You have any idea how hard it is? How long have you been president again? Eh, eleven and a half hours?

You have been president for eleven hours and you are already tired. I was president for nearly five decades and I am not tired yet. Shut up, Giulio. My name is... At first, it was a breeze. The decisions were easy. Declare victory on the balcony, put the tyrant in jail,

color Monterosa orange. Of course that was easy. Those decisions were made before he took over. Then it got harder. Who was going to be in my cabinet? When do we initiate contact with other countries? Which government officials can we trust? Who do we need to imprison?

Right away, there were so many questions. I thought they would gradually come up, but no, they were just piling up. I could have told you that. There was no way you could have known that. You know, it seems absurd that only yesterday I was barricaded in a dentist's office across from the palace, waiting for that final surge. I couldn't sleep. I was so anxious to be up on time.

I had so many coffees to get, everyone had to be awake for the final battle. And he probably got all the orders wrong. And everything happened so fast. Suddenly I was president. You know what I thought? The moment I was sworn in? How excited was he to stab me in the back? It was how I couldn't wait to lie down in the presidential bed,

snuggle between those silk sheets and let the strange day just fade away. But that moment never came. All the time new people approached me with new questions. Should we free the pythons from the zoo as a symbolic act? Should there be a coma or a full stop after the word citizen in the Freedom Act? Did I want a tyrant's pet dog hung, drawn or quartered? You didn't kill Eric, my little dog. We fed it to the pythons at the zoo.

The symbolism was very touching. You barbarian! My poor, beautiful Maltese, oh, Eric! Malteses? What's that, Alvina? Oh, nothing. It's getting later and later in the day, and I'm so tired.

But I have to stay awake. I'm the president. So I slap myself in the face, dunk my head in a bowl of cold water, and soldier on. I take interviews with the papers. I call state leaders on the phone. I sign the new constitution. At least, I think it was the constitution. But now I'm so tired I'm going cross-eyed. Could have been the lease papers for the presidential condo, for all I know.

And then Guillermo comes in and he asks me, do you want a hot drink, Mr. President? A tea? A coffee? A cocoa? Alvina! Huh? I'm focused. I'm here. I say, I'll have a coffee, please. Thanks. And Guillermo asks, how do you like your coffee? And I realize I have no idea. I have never ordered a coffee. Always just do the round for everyone else. You don't buy one for yourself? I always just drink the one that's left over.

With big orders, there's always one that ends up being wrong. That's always mine. That's always mine. That's always mine. Now what I always end up with is too sweet. Because he adds milk and three sugars. I don't even know if I like my coffee sweet. I've never really thought about it. And that is the moment when I realize

I'm just a coffee boy. I'm not a president. Finally, por Dios, you see sense. Gracias, Dios mio. So, Perez, I'm sorry. You were right. I can't do this job. It's too much for me.

Listen, Miguel, my friend. Thank you for admitting this. I promise you I won't hold it against you. Not even the fact that you put me in prison. You'll be a free man. Thank you, but... If you want, you'll even have a seat in my cabinet. To thank you for your short service as president.

Well, the thing is, you see... It can be something easy. like secretary of culture or something. Culture is easy. Amateurs. You want to say something, old man? You should never give the position as secretary of culture to someone who wants an easy job. It's just attending concerts and handing out money to artists. If you are going to be president, you need to understand that art is a threat.

How? When you took over the Panaraguan People's Party, what was the first thing you did? I ran a nationwide recruitment scheme, trained our members in combat and espionage. No, it was not! It wasn't? No, it was not! It wasn't? No, it was not. You changed the logo to a python.

Art. You got everyone to wear orange bandanas. Costu. You commissioned a new protest song. Musica. From that very moment, I knew that you were a dangerous opponent. Huh. I see.

Give him Secretary of Panaragua and Space Program. It's a much easier job. Panaragua has a space program? Of course not! That's why it's such an easy job. Guys... Space program it is. Miguel, giving your new title will be the first thing I do when I take over as president. That's what I'm trying to say. It's not that easy. Why? You don't like rockets. You can't just take over as president. Of course I can. Just let me out of here and I'll take over right away. There's nothing to wait for.

But you'll be killed. By who? Anyone. Everyone. But the people love me. The people love Pablo Pérez García. You are an impertinent imposter who waltz into Monterrosa trying to subvert the revolution. Oh, for God's sake, not again. We've been through all of that. I am Perez. I thought we'd finally establish that. But the

people doesn't know that. Well, how come they know I'm here at all? When you strolled into Monte Rosa, it wasn't exactly a secret, was it? We were trying to make a grand entrance. And you succeeded. News of this stranger mocking Perez, assuming his image, spread through the country like wildfire. The Panaraguans are enraged. They are expecting a public execution. The Panaraguans want me executed? After all I've done for them? You should be honored.

Por qué? The people love Perez so much, they want the imposter to face the harshest of punishments immediately. The people really love me that much? You know the site of your car crash? Yes. There's already a monument there. It acted to commemorate you. It's throwing pilgrims from all over the country.

It seems they love you so much they want to kill you. It's throwing pilgrims from all over the country. It seems they love you so much they want to kill you. Well, when you put it like that, it's actually quite touching. So, you're saying Perez can't take over as president because no one thinks he's Perez? That's right.

But you, Miguel, don't want to stay president because the job is too hard. That's right. But the people like you. Oh, they't want to stay president because the job is too hard. That's right. But the people like you. Oh, they see me as a nice guy. They like my smile. That's what everyone loved about me, too. My smile.

Oh, let's be honest here. No one ever loved you. Everyone was just afraid of you. Oh, she is tough. I like that. Perez, I think I have an idea how to solve this. How? You need to die.

I knew you were going to say that. We need to fake your death, then bring you back. As Miguel. I did not know you were going to say that. It's obvious, really. The people are asking for a public execution. They're happy with Miguel as president, so if you take over with his name and looks, you can rule the country calmly and safely, like you've always wanted.

Um, I don't know. I don't like this. Why not? You have always wanted to be president. But I've not always wanted to be Miguel. Miguel's all right. Miguel is the coffee boy. Hi! We've known each other for years. Why are you so rude?

For that very reason. Because I have known you for years and I know everything about you. You can't shoot a rifle because you can't handle a recoil. It affects my tennis elbow. You can't swim, you can't climb, and you can't even ride a bike. I just said, my tennis elbow. You're bad at math. Your spelling's even worse. And your memory is so bad you can't even remember if you're left or right-handed. No, I'm right-handed, like most creative people.

That's left-handed. Oh. I have other skills. I know. I'm still wearing the orange wrist warmers you knitted for me. Look. And they're great, but... I just don't want to be you. I won't be Miguel.

Sorry. You really don't have much of a choice. Of course I do. Just make me into somebody else. That would mean you have to overthrow Miguel. Then I'll do that. And risk another civil war? That won't happen. The Pythons just seized power yesterday. You won.

And the people have got a president they like for the first time in half a century. If you overthrow Miguel, you'll be a hated figure. I won't. The people love me. But you won't be you. You'll be some new person that nobody knows. You'll be the stranger who broke up the Python government and ended the peace before it even started. But...

If you come back as a completely new person, people won't see you as a revolutionary hero. They'll see you as... Yoko Ono. Um... Yoko Ono? She broke up the Beatles! Okay, uh... You won't be seen as Evita, you'll be

Imelda Marcos. You won't be Lenin, you will be Stalin. You'll be both Noel and Liam Gallagher. You won't be Luke Skywalker, you'll be Jar Jar Flippin' Binks. I have no idea what you're talking about. The people won't see you as Mozart, they'll see you as Ed Sheeran. I fucking hate Ed Sheeran. Exactly.

But I still have no idea what you're on about. People won't like you. Oh. If you come back as Miguel, you can rule this country in the memory of Pablo Perez Garcia. Honoring what he would have wanted with every decision you make. You will be the most loved president this country has ever had. Heck, that this whole region has ever had. All because of you, Pablo Perez Garcia, and his legacy.

Fine. I'll become Miguel. Ha! You're making the right choice. Shut up. Wait, but that means I can't be me anymore. No, no, you can't. We'll have to change your appearance as well. Perdóname, madrecilla. Yo sé que soy apuesto por usted. So, um, how do we do this? How do we kill me, the imposter? I suggest public hanging.

Can you hang me without actually killing me? There are a dozen ways of doing a fake hanging. Rub a rope, steal a tube down your throat. All of them with a 70% chance of survival or higher. No, no, no, no, no. It's true. I believe it's true. I'm saying I won't go through something with a 30% chance of dying.

I said 70 or higher. Forget it. What about decapitation, then? And what is the survival rate of that? 13% or less? It's actually 100. Really? How? The blade doesn't actually hit you. It lands just

in front of your head. Won't that look fake? No. A replacement head will be hidden inside the block. When the blade falls, it will trigger a mechanism that shoots the head out, followed by a large squirt of blood. It will all happen so fast the crowd will be none the wiser. Wow! Then Alvina, posing as the executioner, Why me? will make a point of holding up the severed head, showing it to everyone, distracting the audience from paying attention to your body being carried off. You can just tuck your head under your coat.

Though, to be on the safe side, we should probably give you a prosthetic neck that's spurting blood. It's basic misdirection, really. With a touch of gore to finish it off. Very good idea. I'm going for a bloody execution. In my experience, the more blood they see, the calmer the people are afterwards. Thank you for that input. Um, how do we make Paris into me, then?

And me into somebody else? Ideally, we should have had Kozlovsky here, but he is missing in action, so we'll have to think on our feet. Alvina, any ideas? Don't you have any plastic surgeons in this country? No one that good. No one at all? He's right. My aunt had some work done by the best plastic surgeon in Panaragua.

Her breast ended up above her jawline. Can we fly someone in? Too risky. The operation starts becoming trackable. Can we smuggle someone in? How do we know we can trust them? Maybe... The Incognito Project has a surgeon we could borrow?

Uh, we just sent their boss to Jan Mayen in a coffin, and the whole reason they kidnapped us was because they wanted our surgeon. What the hell do we do then? How about if I just punch Miguel? Excuse me? I can punch Miguel. Very hard. Until he looks like a patacone.

A fried plantain. The fried plantain is very good. You must try some with a little salt and ketchup and mayonnaise. Ah, que rico. The secret to the patacone is before you fry, you squash with a rock. Much as I will squash the face of Miguel with my fist. And how exactly would that help us? You will have to bandage up your head.

He's right. Like Todd. Julio, that is actually a really good idea. No, it's not. The idea is to beat me up. Yes, in public. You're on the palace balcony holding a speech. Suddenly, Julio comes running out from behind you. Alarms are going off in the distance. The tyrant has escaped from prison, and he is furious.

In front of an international press corps, he attacks you and pummels your face to mush. I am not liking this plan at all. It will all be pretend. We'll fake the fight. Fake blood. Gallons of it. As much as the idea of seeing Miguel beaten to a pulp on international news fascinates me, I'm not saying I'd enjoy it. I'm just

saying it would fascinate me. How exactly does it help the situation? The bandages. Miguel will have to cover his face in bandages for months, Giving us plenty of time to find a surgeon. It explains why you might look a little bit different once the bandages are off. And you can start the job right away. Bandaged up. And what about me? You will have to stay in hiding until we find a surgeon who can do you both. If we find Kozlovsky in time, we can

send him over. If not, we'll find someone else. And there's even a bonus. After being beaten up by Julio, Presidente Miguel Emilio de la Navarra, leader of the Panaraguan Python Army of 2020, will be even more loved than before. Huh. That is actually quite clever. I like it. So, are you two beginning to appreciate each other a little bit? No, not in the slightest. I still hate him. Alright, let's get started. Miguel, you'll have to announce a national address tomorrow.

What? I am not doing this for charity. Right. I want something in return. What? My freedom. You're asking a lot. Am I?

Without me, you have no plan. But if we let you go, the people, they will kill you. I'll wait here for the surgeon. He can do all three of us at once. But as soon as I have a new face, you let me go. Fine. It let me go. Fine. It's a deal. You beat up Miguel and we'll set you free once you get a new face.

As long as the beating is fake. Julio, you'll just pretend to attack Miguel, right? You promise not to actually beat him up? Yeah, yes. Ahí. Por supuesto, sí. This has been a very intense night. I need to wind down.

Does this palace by any chance stock any Veuve Clicquot? For my old wine cellar is just a few doors down. Now we're talking. Unless the pythons emptied that during last night's victory party. There should still be a few bottles left. Brilliant. Time for a toast. What should we be drinking to? I know! To the real president!

And who is that? President Emiliano de la Navarra. Leader of the Paraguayan Python Army of 2022! Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits. This episode was written and edited by Einstein Breger, with story editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by David Devereaux of Tin Can Audio, and music and additional sound design by Frederick Barden. It featured Julia Morizawa, Julia C. Thorne, Federico Trujillo, and James Carney.

The episode was recorded at the Bridge Writing Studio in London and Love Tracks Torn Studio in Lüneburg, Germany, and engineered by Billy Halliday, Stefan Heil, and Dominic Hargreeves. Graphic design by Anders Pedersen, and production assistance by Marty Partivan. Thank you to our wonderful patrons who make all this possible. And a special shout out to our new super patron, I Am Trash. I'm not calling them trash, that's their username. I Am Trash. If you'd like to become a patron and help us fake more deaths and craft new identities,

as well as accessing all sorts of bonus perks, head over to ameliapodcast.com for more info. We'll be back on your feed very soon with announcements about the coming season, as well as a surprise. And now, the epilogue. Epilogue. Oh, this is nice. Sitting at an outdoor cafe on Plaza de la Sangre Marisara, sipping a couple of caipirinhas. Maybe we should just stay in Panaragua.

Look, those two exiting the palace is that... Ant and Savannah! Oh my goodness, the sun! I feel like I haven't seen the sun for years. Missy Alito, relax. It's been less than a week. And before that, Golovin, I'm not cut out for jail. Aunt! Savannah! Over here! Alvina! Amelia! Good to see you! Finally, it's all over, eh?

This has been quite the adventure. Never mind all that. Savannah, did I just hear you calling Aunt Missy a little? Maybe. She might have done. Isn't that something you'd call your boyfriend? Perhaps. Could be.

You guys only met a week ago. It's been a very long week. And the basement was very dark. And the two of us were very lonely, being put in a completely different wing to the rest of you. So... And we had to share a very small cell. Does this mean you guys are...

Taking it slowly. We're moving in together. I'm staying here, in Panaragua. Wow. I have a little house by the rainforest not so far from Monte Rosa. There will be ball-bearing treehoppers and nine of the fifteen species of Parastagmatoptera right outside our front door. What's next for you then, Savannah? I've been given a position in Pere, I mean, in Miguel's government.

That's confusing, isn't it? That's going to take me some time to get used to. What position? Secretary of Natural Resources, with Ant as my environmental advisor. Oh, that's amazing. Congratulations. I'm so happy for you both. Um, is that man looking at us?

He's coming this way Hello? Uh, yes How can we help you? Are you Amelia? Who's asking? And you are Alvina Um

Alvina Wright, is that correct? Uh... Here, this is for you. An envelope? Da. What's in it? Hey, wait! Don't just walk away! Who is it from? Amelia, look!

Two front row tickets for Sleeping Beauty with the Bolshoi. In Paris. Tomorrow. I guess that means you're not staying here, then. I guess not. How utterly bizarre. What's that?

What? Stuck between the tickets. It's a note. See you in the City of Light. I know that handwriting. The Fable and Folly Network. Where fiction producers flourish. Greetings, I'm Bernard. And I'm Maginta. You might know us from such hit podcasts Where fiction producers flourish. brand new podcast. Wham! Wham! It's a fun acronym that stands for We Have A Movie.

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