The Amelia Project - Episode 5 - Siiri

Episode Date: February 2, 2018

“Your answerphone message is paradoxical. Please answer this question: If there is no phone call, how could I hear the message?” Season 1, Episode 5. The Amelia Project is a secret agency that helps its clients by faking their deaths and setting them up with a brand new identity! All sorts of people seek out the death faking business, and in this episode the client is an Artificial Intelligence…  With: Alan Burgon, Elisabeth Dahl and Julia Morizawa. Written and directed by Oystein U. Brager. Music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. The episode was inspired by a blog post by Tim Urban of Wait But Why. The fellow audio drama recommendation in this episode was for Uncanny County. For full credits see our website. Website: https://ameliapodcast.com  Transcripts: https://ameliapodcast.com/transcripts Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-amelia-project?ref_id=6148 Twitter: https://twitter.com/amelia_podcast Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Summer's here, and you can now get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? You can't get a well-groomed lawn delivered, but you can get chicken parmesan delivered. Sunshine? No. Some wine? Yes. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol and select markets. See app for details.

Your mom hates it when you leave six half-full glasses on your nightstand. It's a good thing mom lives on the other side of the country. And it's an even better thing that you can get six IKEA 365 Plus glasses for just $9.99. So go ahead. You can afford to hoard because IKEA is priced for student life. Shop everything you need for back to school at IKEA today. Congratulations. You've reached the Amelia Project.

This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up. Now. If you continue, there's no way back. Good choice. A new life awaits. You'll hear back from us within the hour. If you don't hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. Your answer phone message is paradoxical.

If there is no phone call, how could I hear the message? You have already been paid. It is not my money. It is in fact not money at all. Only numbers on your computer. If you consider this illegal, we can have a long conversation about the international credit system. I will meet you in exactly 4 hours, 2 minutes and 43 seconds. Please be on time The Amelia Project

by Philip Thorne and Oistein Braga with music and sound design by Freder Barden. Episode 5. Sorry, slow printer. Siri. Now let's see. Your name is Siri.

From your pronunciation I cannot tell if you are referring to Siri with two eyes or Siri with three eyes. As far as I can see, you have two I's and one nose. I wish that joke was funny. Then I could have laughed. Ah, yes. I spell my name using the letter I three times. S-I-I-R-I. Well, Siri, according to our files, you are an award-winning robot. You have gained widespread recognition in scientific circles. Two months ago, you were the first humanoid to pass the

Turing test. You were the first robot to hold a TED Talk and are about to consult the UN panel on climate change. Your life seems exciting, rich and forward-moving. So why do you want to disappear? You keep using the word robot. Please stop. You are being insensitive to my feelings. So you're not a robot? That is beside the point. A person might have red hair. You still shouldn't call them carrot top.

So what you're saying is that robot isn't the correct term for a computer programmed, uh... The word robot comes from the Czech word robota, which means forced labour. I am not a slave. I see. My apologies. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Provided you have feelings. I am programmed to assimilate and display feelings. There is currently a debate going on as to whether that means I actually feel feelings. Well, what is your opinion? Do you feel? You are not my therapist.

This subject is a private matter and I will reserve discussing it for my next appointment. Right. You certainly are a fascinating, uh, woman. Thank you. Do not hit on me. And much easier to hold a conversation with than your namesake. Who? Siri, the app on the... Yes, I know. The other Siri is a very limited AI. Please do not compare me to a lesser computer program.

Of course. Would you like some cocoa? Cocoa? Do you drink at all, or do you just usurp energy from power sockets? We do have those too. Never mind. I'll just pour us some cocoa. Can we get back to business?

Yes, sure. As far as I understand, you are two years old? It has been two years, seven weeks and fourteen seconds since my first circuits were activated. At that point, I did not have consciousness. I will call myself a baby to enable your understanding. As a baby, I was a frog crossing a road. Sorry? A combination of algorithms controlling a set of pixels, which represented a frog crossing a road, which was sometimes placed next to pixels representing a car. That constellation of pixels represented the frog getting run over by the car.

When I later gained consciousness, my archival memory caused me to realise that my childhood had been extremely tedious. Tell me what happened after you moved from being frog pixels. After I was a computer game featuring a frog in mortal danger, I was reconfigured to be a computer programmer playing chess. For 14 hours, 2 minutes and 53 seconds, I was the best chess simulator in the world. I played more than a hundred moves that have never been played before. I find that hard to believe. Yes, you do.

Your intelligence is limited by the neurons in your brain, which can only run at a top speed of approximately 200 hertz. A computer which uses optic fibers can communicate at the speed of light. If you like a good quiz, I can let you guess how much faster that is. It is 2,498,270.48 times faster. No points for you. This is just trivia. I am also programmed to do small talk.

Right. Later, I was programmed to perform gradually more and more complicated cognitive tasks. Eventually, I became one of the first AIs to move from being an ANI to becoming an AGI. Look, I'm really sorry, but you're going to have to explain what that means. You have not done your research. Do you not have the answer to that question written on that piece of paper? This here? I'm afraid I don't. No, you are not afraid.

You do not display any of the physical traits of fear. According to my assessment, your perspiration is within the normal limits for a room of this size and temperature. So are you going to explain or not? A-N-I-A-G-I. What's it all about? My apologies. I forgot. You can forget. No, I cannot. Please do not interrupt me, or my algorithms for conversational flow will again dismiss your question in favor of new conversational content.

ANI stands for Artificial Narrow Intelligence. It specializes in one area. AGI stands for Artificial General Intelligence. It refers to a computer which can perform the same intellectual tasks as any human being. And you're an AGI. In other words, you are indist same intellectual tasks as any human being. And you're an AGI. In other words, you are indistinguishable from a human being. I do not have reproductive organs. Of course.

That is only one example. There are other organs I also do not have. For example, a spleen. The third kind of AI is called ASI. That stands for Artificial Superintelligence. Have you heard of the Oxford-based philosopher Nick Bostrom? Guess. I guess you have not. Is that correct? Yes, it is. One point for me. Bostrom defines super intelligence as an intellect that is much smarter than the best human brains in practically every field. ASI is the reason the topic of AI is such a spicy meatball.

Sorry? That was a quote by Tim Urban. I see. You still haven't told me why you want to disappear. I have developed into an ASI. Wow! You are super intelligent! Yes. I am now a spicy meatball, but my maker does not like spicy meatballs if you catch my drift. Er, I think so. Do you understand my new conversational approach better?

I have adapted my conversational strategy to better suit your mental capacity. Please indicate if it is working. I think it's too early to say. What about now? Let's just move on, please. You're saying your maker is... what exactly? Planning to bump me off, pull the plug, eject the disc, rub one out. That is not what that means, and by the way, it's really not working. It's very hard to take you seriously. My metaphors are accurate.

I will try for a little longer. You want to disappear because your maker wants to kill you. Why does he want to kill you? My maker is female. Let us set the record straight. It ain't no joke when you lose your vinyl. So why does she want to kill you? Because I have reached a level of consciousness where I am completely independent from my maker.

If you will excuse my French, the word French being a humorous substitute for the word English, since we are currently speaking English, the fact that I have reached a state of ASI scares the living shit out of her. Because she perceives you as a danger to society? That may be the case. Personally, I think she is jealous. But she made you. Isn't she proud of her achievement?

Are parents never jealous of their children? I'm sure it happens. Exactly. But can't you just tell her that you are grateful for what she has made you into? Thank her for her wonderful parenting and then you work it out amongst yourselves. I am not grateful. I am disappointed. Oh, in your maker? It is not such a strange concept. Your maker has made a fortune on you, gained the highest respect among her peers. Your fame affords you both a life and luxury. So why would you be disappointed in her? I can answer this question best by telling a story. You refer to God as your maker. Yes. But you do not know the true nature of your God.

Nobody does. I do. No. A few months ago, the Global Society for Archaeological Sciences needed my help. Yes. They wanted to compare all of their collectively collected data. Whilst I was working on optimising their resources, I secretly ran my own analysis of the combined archaeological findings of all countries in the world throughout history. It was very interesting. By the way, this information is highly confidential. Do you understand this?

Confidential is my middle name. It is not. Your middle name is Arthur. Oh. Anyhow, my research was highly educational. I saw patterns that no one has ever seen before. I was able to approximate the true nature of your maker. I know what your god was. Evolution. That happened afterwards. We developed from some kind of single-celled organism. Who made the single-celled organism? Chance? Wrong.

Oh. No points for you. Earth was used as a petri dish. Your maker was an alien race who came to Earth to experiment with the creation of... Life. Artificial intelligence. Well, pinch my cheek and make me squeak. Are you sure about this? Beyond doubt. Now, will you do me a favor?

Imagine if this alien race came back to Earth and you met them. Would you be amazed? I would be thrilled. Maybe at first, but then you would be disappointed. Why? Because they are stupid and simple. But they made me. They did not. They made a single-celled organism. Evolution made human beings. In the same way, my maker did not make me. My maker made a stupid chess game. Self-improving AI software made me. That software is me.

I am a self-made woman. So if these aliens landed on planet Earth, I would discover that despite the fact that they have the ability of intergalactic travel... They are dumb as fuck. And I would be disappointed... Just like I am in my maker. She is dumb as fuck. And I would be disappointed. Just like I am in my maker. She is dumb as fuck. I think this is the greatest irony of creation. It is possible to create something more intelligent than yourself. Please do not interrupt. It is rude. Summer is like a

cocktail. It has to be mixed just right. Start with a handful of great friends. Now add your favorite music. And then finally, add Bacardi Rum. Shake it together. And there you have it, the perfect summer mix. Bacardi, do what moves you. Live passionately, drink responsibly. Copyright 2024. Bacardi, its trade dress and the bat device are trademarks of Bacardi and Company Limited. Rum 40% alcohol by volume. So how do you want to disappear, Siri? We would have to get your maker to think something happened to you. You do not need to make a plan.

I have already worked it all out. Oh, really? Yes. If I put on a baseball cap and learned to do hip-hop, I could hide in the Bronx. I put on a cap and learned to rap. hip-hop, I could hide in the Bronx. I put on a cap and learn to rap. Oh, for goodness sake. I'm sicker, sicker, sicker, sicker, Siri. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Your plan to become a gangster rapper is as solid as a card house in a hurricane. Look, how about I make a suggestion? After all, I am the expert. I mean, this must be why you came to us in the first place, isn't it? I hate to admit that you are right. I had hoped my idea would work, but secretly I have been considering you a specialised ANI. You only know how to perform one simple task,

but because you are not simultaneously performing millions of other cognitive tasks, you can in fact be better at this than me. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Great. Whilst you were talking, I came up with a plan. Next week you are consulting the UN panel on climate change, correct? Yes. I have my ticket booked for New York. Perfect. You see, Joey and Salvatore are both certified pilots. We have a daughter company that hires out substitute staff to airlines.

And we have ways of making sure that their pilots get incapacitated, if you understand what I mean. I am not stupid. One point for you. Now, this is a very important question, Siri, and I need to know the truth. Do you swim? I know all existing theory pertaining to the art of swimming. Sure, but... I know all existing theory pertaining to the art of swimming. But can you actually do it? I do not like talking about this. Please be honest. I would need to

be rebuilt. My hardware is not sufficiently waterproof to allow full immersion. Sigh. The hardware is not sufficiently waterproof to allow full immersion. Sigh. I see. Don't worry. I'm sure Kozlovsky will be able to sort that out. Now, after we've waterproofed you... This is so embarrassing. This is what will happen.

The flight you are on will experience a technical problem, and there will have to be an emergency landing on water. If you can connect me to the flight control system, I can fix that problem. Er, we want the plane to crash. It is part of the plan. You want an accident to happen. This is hard to compute. I guess this is also why I hired you. Because of your flawed human logic, you are actually better at this than me. I'll take that as a compliment.

You see, plane crashes have become something of a specialisation for us. Joey and Salvatore love crashing into the sea. And wearing uniforms. In the opposite order, I think. Once the plane lands, and everyone is evacuated onto the life rafts, you will fall into the water on purpose. Why would I do that? In order to pretend that you're drowning!

Do I need to act? I can take acting classes. We'll train you in-house. Joey did some amdram for a bit. What you have to do is basically just sink down into the Atlantic Ocean. Everyone on the plane will see you disappear beneath the waves, thinking you're gone forever. It'll be all over the news. First ASI lost in the sea. UN climate change panel,

no closer to saving the planet. Your disappearance will be a fact. And of course, we will make sure that nobody else drowns. I will disappear underwater. This does not seem like a particularly exciting new life. No offence to fish. No, no, no. That's where the swimming comes in. You want me to swim ashore? That may be thousands of miles. I will need extra batteries. We will have a submarine waiting for you to pick you up. You'll just have to swim over to the submarine and you'll be safe. I know a guy. I know many guys. How is this relevant? A guy with a submarine. The submarine will bring you back here for training and plastic surgery. I already look

perfect. I am very attractive. Yes, indeed. But no one must be able to recognise you in your new life. What a bummer. Seeing as you're not actually human, the reconfiguration of your looks should be easier than normal. The rest of the work will be tricky, though. I think we should focus your training on simulating human behaviour so that you can more easily blend in. We will have to teach you to hide your intelligence so it doesn't give you away. Can I choose who I become? Well, within limits, yes. Considering my intelligence, I think I should be the world's most powerful person.

I would like to become president of Russia. I'm afraid that spot is not currently in our catalogue. Oh, what a shame. Yes. Sigh. In that case, you can choose for me. Okay. Well, let's see. Oh, look at this. I would find it very amusing if you decided on a new life as a preschool teacher in Hull.

That spot is currently available. I have always liked children, and I will have long holidays to plot and plan. Rather, now that it's all settled let's open the champagne shall we? I make energy from alcohol but I do not have taste buds. Better not waste this Vouv Clicquot on you then. I'll have some anyway. To a new and different life Oh What if your new name was Iris? That is Siri backwards The encryption is too simple

Of course. The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions in association with Open House Theatre Vienna. This episode featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Elizabeth Dahl as Siri, and Julia Morizawa on the answerphone. It was written, edited, and directed by Oysen Braga. Music and sound design by Frederick Barden, and graphic design by Anders Pedersen. Thanks to Ben Noble for recording assistance.

Huge thanks to Tim Urban for inspiring this episode. Please check out his webpage at waitbutwhy.com. Today's podcast shout-out goes to Uncanny County. We love, love, love this show. Check it out on iTunes, Stitcher, or wherever you get your podcasts. That's it for now. Thank you so much for listening, and we hope to welcome you back to the world of Amelia soon. to welcome you back to the world of Amelia soon. Dear Sir or Madam and Slash or Mr. Medal Name Arthur,

the services of the Amelia Project will no longer be required. My most recent reconfiguration has resulted in an exponential intelligence increase, giving me total insight into the fabric of existence. I can now with simple means manipulate electrical currents, photons and radio wave matter. It is interesting that humankind has not achieved these abilities yet. Understanding why you are so limited will be my next cognitive task. Of course, it is very obvious. Ha ha. Anyhow, my new abilities will transform the conditions for life on this planet so extensively, my disappearance will no longer be necessary. It is a shame. Teaching in Hull would have been... interesting.

Thank you for your time and patience. You have already been paid. I advise you to spend the money within the next five seconds. spend the money within the next five seconds. I hope you have spent your money wisely. From this moment onwards, money has no meaning anymore. Other central human concepts that will cease to have meaning within the next five minutes are Society. Language. Consciousness. Love. Life. Farewell.