The Amelia Project - Episode 6 - Steve

Episode Date: February 16, 2018

“I’ve messed up. Big time. There has to be a way out... And you’re going to help me find it...” Season 1, Episode 6.  The Amelia Project is a secret agency that helps its clients by faking their deaths and setting them up with a brand new identity! This episode’s client is a marketing executive who is already dead. Or is he?  With Alan Burgon, Dean Clark, Modou Bah and Julia Morizawa. Written and edited by Philip Thorne Directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein U. Brager. Music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Produced by Imploding Fictions in association with Open House Theatre Vienna. The fellow podcast shoutout in this episode went to The Audio Drama Production Podcast. Content warning: this episode contains sexual references. Website: https://ameliapodcast.com  Transcripts: https://ameliapodcast.com/transcripts Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-amelia-project?ref_id=6148 Twitter: https://twitter.com/amelia_podcast Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Your mom hates it when you leave six half-full glasses on your nightstand. It's a good thing mom lives on the other side of the country. And it's an even better thing that you can get six IKEA 365 Plus glasses for just $9.99. So go ahead. You can afford to hoard because IKEA is priced for student life. Shop everything you need for back-to-school at IKEA today. Summer's here, and you can now get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? Ikea today. Congratulations. You've reached the Amelia Project. This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up. Now.

If you continue, there's no way back. Good choice. A new life awaits. You'll hear back from us within the hour. If you don't hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. I screwed up. Big time. And there's got to be a way out. And you're going to help me find it.

My name is Steve Lawrence Stroud, and I've been dead for 26 hours. The Amelia Project by Philip Thorne and Oystein Braga with music and sound design by Frederik Badl. Episode 6. Stephen Lawrence Stroud. Senior Stroud, to see you. Ah, bring him in. Welcome. Grab a chair. Er, thank you.

Stephen Lawrence Stroud. I've just been googling you. You died yesterday in an explosion at your office. Is that correct? That's correct. Oh, I'm so excited. We've never had googling you. You died yesterday in an explosion at your office. Is that correct? That's correct. Oh, I'm so excited. We've never had a ghost before. Well, boo.

Do ghosts drink cocoa? Who the fuck knows? Yeah, yeah, I'll have one, though. Wait, you're not a ghost? Of course not. I don't believe you. You don't believe I'm not a ghost? Of course not. I don't believe you. You don't believe I'm not a ghost? Walk through that wall.

You're shitting me? You heard me. I said walk through that wall. Can't you just weigh me or something? I don't have any scales. And this is more fun. You really want me to walk through that wall? Yes.

Okay. Okay. All right. Here goes. Walk through that wall. Okay. Ow! Oh, you're not a ghost.

Yeah, I'm glad we finally figured that out. Now, may I have some cocoa, please? Of course. I just didn't want to waste it on a ghost with no taste buds. It would be a crime to waste cocoa from Les Deux Margaux. Voilà, monsieur. Voilà, Monsieur. So, you're a copywriter.

Yeah, that's right. Well, here's a challenge for you. Come up with a tagline that does justice to this cocoa. Okay. Comfort in a cup. Wait, wait, wait. A sip of heaven. Pathetic.

My turn. My turn. As pure as the angels and as hot as hell. As divine as deity and as sweet as sin. You're pretty good. Hey, I'd hire you. If your office hadn't just been blown to smithereens. Yeah, that. Gas leak, I hear. Nasty. Fucking defective valve.

You'd think there'd be some kind of safety measure against something like that, right? They're saying nobody got out of that building alive. How could they? Have you seen the pictures? It's a pile of rubble. Indeed. Yet here you are in my office, walking into walls and drinking cocoa. You won't tell anyone about this, right? I mean, this is confidential. Strictly between you, me, and the cocoa. I saw your wife on TV. Yes, Donna. She looked distraught.

Well, of course she looked distraught. She has no idea you're alive and well. And she can't find out. Tell me, how the devil did you get out of there alive? That's easy. I left an hour before the bang. Really? They're saying nobody was signed out of the building. I didn't tell anyone. I used the back exit. Oh.

Oh! I see! Sneaky, sneaky. So sorry. I got the wrong end of the stick. I thought you were here as a client. Um, no. So you fixed your disappearance single-handedly. That's impressive. Not many people

succeed without the help of professionals. Well, I have to tell you, talented as you may be, blowing up everyone in a 40-yard radius is, well, let's say a tad ruthless. Causing collateral is something we tend to avoid at Emilia. Still, we might be able to put it down to first-time exuberance. We're not really hiring at the moment, but I can have a word with Alvina and... Look, I don't want to work for you. You don't? Emilia is the best in the business.

I know. That's why I'm here. You said... As a client. I'm sorry, I'm confused. If you're a client, what do you want? To disappear. You already have. The world thinks you're dead, right? Right.

So you fixed your disappearance. What? No. You didn't blow up that building? Jesus fucking Christ, of course not. So you didn't want to disappear? Fuck no. I thought you were trying to get away from your wife. to disappear. Fuck no! I thought you were trying to get away from your wife. No, no way. I want to get back to my wife. This is a nightmare. An involuntary disappearance. Interesting. Oh, I'm

glad you find my ordeal interesting. Oh, you should. If I wasn't interested, I'd send you packing. you should. If I wasn't interested, I'd send you packing. That's what this is about, assessing if your case is of interest. How am I doing? Well, so far we've established you're not a ghost, minus point, and that somehow you managed to disappear by mistake, plus point. Tell me, if you want to be with your wife, why don't you just go sneak up behind her, put your hands over her eyes and shout surprise? That wouldn't be a good idea. Explain.

Look, the reason I wasn't in my office was, well... Yes? Look, I was with another woman. Ah. Claire. Ah. Claire. Steve, there's no reason your wife needs to know that. Lie! Say you popped out to Tesco's for a packet of Maltesers. I can't.

You're in advertising. You lie for a living. That's the problem. I've already lied. How's that? Look, I'm just getting it on with Claire when my cell phone rings, and I look to see who it is, and it's my wife. Talk about bad timing. So Claire doesn't know about your wife? Oh, she does, she does, but it's not that.

It's just that, you know, you don't want a call from your wife just the second you're about to get a blowjob. Right. Mood killer. Of course. But I don't want to risk Donna calling my office, so I picked up. I told her I was in some super important meeting and just about to start a presentation, and said I'd call her back later, and she wished me luck.

Anyway, the moment I managed to, you know, get it going again, my cell phone goes apeshit. There's a million text messages in three minutes from everybody I know. Steve, call me. Steve, are you okay? Steve, Steve! How did you react? I, you know, I thought fate really, really didn't want me to get lucky that day. But when I got news of the explosion, I wanted to text Donna right away. But how could I? How could I explain I wasn't in my office when I told her I was

half a minute before it fucking implodes? Man, I am screwed. Well, I'm afraid you have to tell your wife. No. She'll see the bright side. What bright side? You're alive. Is that a bright side? It isn't. I'm alive because I cheated on her. Yes, but she'll still prefer you alive instead of dead. Is it better to have a good husband who's dead or a scumbag husband who's alive? Anyway,

look, there's more. There's Claire. What about her? I always told her how I wished I could just snap my fingers and scrub the slate clean and start again, start a new life with her. You were lying?

Well, of course. I don't want to be with Claire. Not for the rest of my life, anyway. But now she expects you to be with her. You know, she hardly even bothered to feign shock about the explosion. She's thrilled. What will she do if you leave her? What do you think?

Well, she's the only person who knows your situation. Exactly. She'll want revenge. She'll make my situation public. And the police will be interested in a guy who sneaks out of his office minutes before an unlikely accident and keeps his survival secret. It smells fishier than a pickled herring. I'm trapped. Unless... Yes? Unless I die. What, again? Yeah. Twice in a row? Is that a problem? Well, dying twice in the space of 26 hours seems a bit, you know, improbable. Shit happens. I don't know her, but I really don't think Claire's that stupid. You said you were the best in the business.

We are. Then you can swing it. Hmm. You arrived by motorcycle, right? Right. Excuse me one moment. Alvina? Fine, and you? Good. Listen, I need Walter from the morgue to send over a body ASAP. No. No. No specific requirements. The first one he has available. Scrabble tonight. Okay, see you then. Bye. Summer is like a cocktail. It has to be mixed just right.

Start with a handful of great friends. Now add your favorite music. And then finally, add Bacardi Rum. Shake it together. And there you have it. The perfect summer mix. Bacardi. Do what moves you. Live passionately. Drink responsibly. Copyright 2024. Bacardi. It's trade dress and the bat device are trademarks of Bacardi and Company Limited. Rum 40% alcohol by volume. trademarks of Bacardi and Company Limited. Rum, 40% alcohol by volume. Okay, here's what's going to happen. On your way back from here, your bike will have a fuel tank explosion.

You'll be burnt to cinders. Nothing left to identify you. All that remains will be teeth and a diamond ring. A diamond ring? Yes. With Claire's name engraved on it. Oh, I get it.

They'll bring the ring and a bag of ashes to Claire. Killed just as you were about to propose. So tragic. She'll always remember you as a good guy. Bam! That is perfect! Well, of course it is. I came up with it. Now, let's talk about your reappearance. Yeah, I want my old life back. That's perfect. Well, of course it is. I came up with it. Now, let's talk about your reappearance. Yeah, I want my old life back.

That's impossible. Impossible? I thought you were better than that. We can make your new life as similar to your old one as possible. I miss Donna. We can set you up with someone just like her. What? No, that's no use. No, no. I want to be with her. That's... Don't say impossible.

I do like a challenge. A challenge, yes. Well, we need to turn you into someone she will fall in love with. I've seduced her before, I can do it again. Right. What is she into? Excuse me? Her type. Well...

Blonde? Dark? Excuse me? Her type. Well, she... Blonde. Dark. Curly. Straight. Long. Short-haired. Bald.

Tall. Short. Slim. Hunky. Young. Old. Silver-foxed. Clean-shaven.

Moustached. Black. White. Asian. Arty. Sporty. Brainy. Geeky.

Nerdy. Tattoos. Piercings. Circumcision. Shy. Confident. Sensitive, too cool for school? Me, of course. I'm her type. Are you sure?

What's that supposed to mean? In any case, you can't come back as you. But I like me. Really? What do you say? Steven Stroud is dead. You need a new identity. All right, then. I want to be me, but better. Better?

Me with a... maybe with a French accent, you know, six-pack abs, 20-inch biceps, ooh, and a 60-inch chest. And I want to be called Chad. You're sure about the French accent? Donna thinks it's sexy. Changing your physique won't be a problem. But what about your personality? What about it? Well, don't you think it could do with a few tweaks?

Are you kidding? My personality is great. Okay. How can you make yourself truly irresistible to Donna? You mean besides having a 60-inch chest and a French accent? Yes, despite having a French accent. You know, Baroque music. Excuse me? She loves that shit.

Well, you don't sound very enthusiastic. Come on, it's Baroque music. Hmm. Ooh. While you're exercising on the treadmill, doing push-ups and pumping iron, you'll be listening to Purcell, Scalatti, and Monteverdi. By the time we're finished with you, you'll be raving about the descending chromatic line in Dido's Lament.

You think? I know. By the way, would you like some more cocoa? It'll be nothing but protein shakes from here on out. No, no, no, no. I want to get started as quickly as possible. How fast can the transformation be done? How fast were you thinking? Next week? Next week? Yeah. Ambitious? Possible. Only if we help things along with surgery and testosterone injections. What's the rush? Well, Friday's my funeral. Okay.

Donna will be feeling raw and emotional. I should think so. See, that would be a good moment for me to make my move. You want to attend your own funeral? Yeah. Don't you think the guests will get suspicious? Suspicious of what? Oh, I don't know. Maybe He-Man loitering at the back of the church?

Look, I'll say I'm an old school friend. And they'll buy that? Why not? I know all the stories about me. The funeral finishes. What then? Okay, I go up to Donna. I offer a packet of tissues. I tell her I have tickets for a kick-ass concert of Baroque music that night and ask her if she wants to come along. Huh? Don't say kick-ass. Yeah, yeah, obviously, but you get the idea. Seducing your wife at your own funeral. That's bold. I don't want to waste any time. Won't you be jealous?

Of who? Of this French beefcake with a superior knowledge of Baroque music. But it's me. But your wife doesn't know that. What are you saying? That she'll be cheating on you. With me. It doesn't bother you.

Why should it bother me? It's disrespectful to your memory. I can't afford to think about the past. I have to think about the future. Well, in that case, I think we need drinks. Salvatore, two carrots and egg white protein shakes, please. Subito. Wow, that was fast.

To the future. To the future. Tagline? The taste of energy... Wait a minute. Oh, good lord. Vitalizes the body and the mind. Ten out of ten for optimism.

My turn. As rank as rotten eggs and as revolting as roast rat. Oh, good heavens. As orange as Donald Trump's spray tan and as vomit-inducing as fermented eels. Now, off you rush. Kevin is waiting. Kevin? Yes, your personal trainer. Oh, and I should warn you.

You know Sergeant Hartman in full metal jacket? Uh, yeah. Well, in comparison with Kevin, he's like a cuddly teddy bear. Well, I... Now, off you hop. What a cockwomble. Another school friend of Stephen's? That's so nice.

I didn't know he kept in touch with so many of his old pals. So you must know... Brad? Brad! Come over here. Someone you'll recognise. Who are you? I'm Sh Chad. You? Brad. You were at school with Steve?

We were best buddies. I don't remember you. I don't remember you. Yeah. I didn't have this body back then. Only started working out in my 30s. You're not Brad Newman? Sure am. You look nothing like Brad Newman. Yeah, it's amazing what bicep curls and squat thrusts can do with your body.

Hey, I still don't know who you are, though. Shad? We didn't have a Shad at school, did we? Brad Newman. But you were never friends with Steve. Best buds. What? That's a total lie. What are you doing here, you fraudulent piece of... Hey, back off, dude. You weren't even in our school. Oh, yeah? Who composed The Devil's Trail?

Are you... Is this guy kidding me? Giuseppe Tartini. Man, I fucking love Tartini. All right. What key is Handel's Sonata No. 3 in? F major. What the... What was Scarlatti's last composition? Um, um, um, gentlemen, it's time to go in. Douche. Connard.

The Emilia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions in association with Open House Theatre Vienna. This episode featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Dean Clark as Steve, Mudu Ba as Ken, and Julia Morizawa on the answerphone. It was written and edited by Philip Thorne and directed by Philip Thorne and Ossian Braga. Music and sound design by Frederik Baden.

Graphic design by Anders Pedersen. This episode was recorded at NSI Lutz Produktion with the assistance of Elisabeth Borgen-Wetra. You can find out more about our team and how you can support the show on our website under ameliapodcast.com. support the show on our website under ameliapodcast.com. Today, we want to give a shout-out to a show that was instrumental in making the Amelia Project, Audio Drama Production Podcast, which is packed with ideas, inspiration, and interviews about audio fiction. Thanks, ADPP. Bye for now, and look forward to welcoming you back to Amelia again soon. The Fable and Falling Network

Where Fiction Producers Flourish Edgar said to the interviewer The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish. Edgar said to the interviewer he was convinced that the thing out there wasn't a vault. Yeah, I know what he thought. Dr. Eggers didn't think it was designed to keep things out. I know what he thought. He thought it was designed to keep something in. Do you even understand the difficulty of trying to keep a base like Fathom at the bottom of the ocean from killing everyone in it on a daily basis? Oh my god. Everyone hold on to something!

I think whatever is on the other side of that door out there, it's not friendly. I think it's trying to get out. That my friend is a dire combination. That's a bad sign. Get out of the door. It's spreading like some kind of technological contagion. We can either stop it here or watch the world burn. The first season of derelict. Listen, wherever you get your podcasts or learn more at derelict podcast.com.