The Amelia Project - Episode 82 - Dudo (1199)

Episode Date: October 25, 2024

"Le rat taupe immortel"... The Immortal Mole Rat... Richard Lionheart has just been killed, and two knights are on their way to a secret location with an urgent mission. Enjoy the episode! The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions. No horses were harmed in the making of this episode. This episode featured Josh Callahan as Mathieu, Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Benjamin Noble as the town crier and Torgny G. Aandraa as the hangman. The episode was written by Oystein Ulsberg Brager with story and dialogue editing by Philip Thorne, music by Fredrik Baden, sound design by Alexander Danner, assistance by Maty Parzival, graphic design by Anders Pedersen, and direction by Oystein Brager and Philip Thorne. Website: https://ameliapodcast.com/  Transcripts: https://ameliapodcast.com/season-5  Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-amelia-project?ref_id=6148 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast X: https://twitter.com/amelia_podcast Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/theameliaproject.bsky.social Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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support the show. I'm joking. Peasants and rabble! Mess it up! Richard the Lionheart I, King of England, Duke of Normandy, Lord of Cyprus, and overlord of Brittany has been hit by the bolt of a crossbow but fear not the mean and wicked and most treasonous culprit has been identified his name is... oh I lost my place There it is! His name is... DUDO! D...DUDO? Oh, that can't be right.

That's not a name. Oh, it says here, DUDO. DUDO! DUDO! Well, if anyone sees this villainous criminal, he is to be arrested on the spot and brought to Chateau de Chalouse-Chebroult. There's the barn. The derelict barn. They're here. Are you sure this is the right place?

Look, see what's carved into the door. Le Rat Top Immortal. The immortal mole rat. There's a drawing carved into the door too. Yuck, what an ugly creature. Should be Le Rat Top Nuit. The naked mole rat. Yes, why doesn't it have any hair? Well, anyway, that proves it.

It's the same organization. And I'm going to give them a piece of my mind. Copying our business idea. Stealing our clients. Arthur Layoff, you wanted to come here to ask a favor. We will not get their help if we start a fight. But Khalidi they have been copying us for centuries. Exactly. It has been centuries since we last came across this name. They cannot be the same. You don't think? It must be a coincidence. Coincidence? Oh, right.

Another death-baking agency centuries later also called the Brotherhood of the Immortal Mole Rat. Yes, that's quite the coincidence. It is just a regular barn with a regular drawing of an irregular animal. Well, we'll soon find out, won't we? I am not sure about this, Arthur. But we have to... I know we have to save the boy! But even if the Brotherhood of the Immortal Mole Rat isn't there,

I do not see how turning up here will make any difference. Why would they help us save him? They might? Also, I am very unsure about this disguise. What's wrong with your disguise? It will not work. Oh, God. The visor completely covers your phoenix tattoo,

which is normally very hard to miss. That is not what I mean. You look dashing in armor. I know. That is not my point either. Two knights wanting to disappear. I mean, knights need to disappear all the time. And why would we not show our faces? A cause of shame, maybe?

I cannot move in this. Ah! So that's the complaint. Well, it's nonsense. Nonsense? I am squeezed into a metal box. A metal box that has joints. I mean, you can even spin around in it. Look! Where would I mean with practice? See? See? I also cannot see anything from behind this visor. Relax, we won't wear the armor for long. Then why do we have to wear it at all? Because I want to make sure we're in the right place.

I mean, if you are right and this is just a regular barn and we meet a regular farmer and I start harping on, then... Well, come on, then what? Then we risk exposing the existence of death-faking agencies. Exactly! Yes, yes! And we currently cannot afford to bribe the farmer into silence. The trip from Japan was very costly and Byuko Shont Desenman's death was not as rewarding as we had hoped. Just call him Minamoto no Yoritomo.

We should honor his Buddhist name. Besides, the amount of mon I had to spend on language lessons, simply to learn how to say Byukoshon Desenman... ...could have been spent on something more useful. Especially seeing as that name only lasted two days before we faked his death. Now he's called... What is it I forget? Kevin. So, keeping the costumes?

Fine. Great. Oh, I've always wanted to be a knight, ever since we lost Excalibur. Shh, let us enter. Right, yes. Oh, visors down. Come on, move those knee joints. There you go, and sit. See, it's easy. It's too small.

It is not too small. Just be a knight. The Amelia Project. Created by Philip Thorne and Øystein Ulspeck-Braga, with music and sound direction by Frederick Barden, and sound design by Alexander Danner. Episode 82. DUDO 1199. There is no one here. There is. Over there. Where? There! There's a man. Do you know what I can see?

No. Bars of metal! This helmet is of a very stupid design. Now I should like to design a better model. Ah! Bonjour! He has seen us! Hello! Welcome strangers! Good sir!

Good day sir! Take those off. Si vous plaît, I can't see your faces. Oh, that is by intent. Do you mind if we keep our visors down? Do you mind if I throw daggers? Excuse me? Helps me think. Right.

Bullseye! Um... Just where I intended it to go. Look, you see that midge over there? From inside of this helmet? I cannot see anything. Shh. Shh.

Ha! Oh! Wow. Wow. I hit it. I hit it. I did. You did?

Congratulations. Thank you. Now, your turn to impress me. Right. Well, um, what do you mean? What do I mean? You're here for the tournament, are you not? So show me your skills. Tournament?

Yeah, tournament. The Limoges Tournoi de Printemps. Jousting, mailing, pageantry, shooting apples off of heads. This will be the greatest tournament Limoges has ever seen. And I am sure that's why you're here. No? Because why else would two knights turn up in Limoges, right? Well, in fact, we are here because- That is why we're here. Yes. Excellent.

Well, in that case, show me your skills. But of course. In jousting. In jousting, yes. In jousting. In jousting.! In jousting, yes. In jousting! Ah, in jousting. Yes, jousting, yes. We could just, uh, parade.

Pageantry is sort of our specialty. Mmm, pass. I wanna see jousting. Oh, we could do some fencing! We do not know how to fence. But I've always wanted to learn. And shh, they're knights! How about...

displaying our... eminent skills in... chivalry? Like a... compliment? Oh, we give compliments like you have never heard. Oh, sir! your amber hair serves as a golden crown on your magnificently round head.

Stop, stop. Flattery will get you everywhere. I see what you're doing. Beautifully, yeah. No, no, no. No, ah, no. Joust. J no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,. See look, uh, yup, right. Crème de la crème et couleur de caca. You see? Come here. Come here. Yes, here they come. Such fine steed.

Yes. We do not have our lances. They were so long and cumbersome, we left them at home. I'm gonna stop you right there. You don't think a tournament organizer has a couple of spare lances lying around? Long and cumbersome, we left them at home. I'm gonna stop you right there. You don't think a tournament organizer has a couple of spare lances lying around? Ha ha, yes of course you do, Arthur. Uhhhh, no, no I don't.

Actually, they all broke last tournament, just checking here. Yeah, but, but, I have a rake and a broom, so you can go ahead and grab those. A rake and a broom, yes, but what these? A rake and a, yeah, excellent go ahead and grab those. I'm making the broom, yes, but what these? I break and I'm... yeah, excellent, now up you go, mount! Is there no other choice? No! No! Okay, giant over there, stick man on this over here.

Oh, easy, easy, steady. We should be doing this inside? Right. Uh. Oh. Oh. Um. We do not have games. Ready.

What is that? I have to get the broom. I'm looking forward to this. I want a rake too. I want a rake. Go! Ah! Move!

Ah! There we go! There we go! Woohoo! Yes! Ah! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, you're so bad at this! That's the funniest thing I've ever seen. Who won? Oh, it doesn't matter. Did I win? We all won.

Deep breaths. All right. Thank you. Oh, thank you for that. Oh, you too. You're, uh, you Alright. Thank you. Oh, thank you for that. Oh, you too. You're, uh... You're not Knights, are you? Oh, my helmet! Oh, our helmets! Oh, they've fallen off! Where are they? Never mind. He has already seen our faces.

Forget it. If you're not nice, why are you here? Arthur. Well, we may be here on other business. We are in fact looking for... Yes? The Brotherhood of the Naked Mole Rat.

The Brotherhood of the Naked Mole Rat? Yes. Never heard of it? Nope. Nope. I guess we should move on then. Oh, however, if you happen to be looking for the Brotherhood of the Immortal... mole rat. Ah, just maybe...

Maybe I can help you. Ah. Ah, well, yes, well, that is who we are here for. Yes, the Brotherhood of the Immortal Naked Mole Rat. Just, it's just immortal. It has clothes? Hey. Just...

immortal. Uh, we are off to a great start, Art. In that case, bienvenue à la confrérie de rats top immortels. We are the best in the business. My name is Amatthieu, and I will be your interviewer today, but please note, we only accept the most exclusive cases. Lords with a price on their heads. Here it goes,gers monarchs on the run bakers are accidentally burning down towns you're wearing armor that's alchemist escaping their own inventions watch the horse yes careful uh sorry! Sorry, sorry. Poor thing.

Priests. Tired of... priesting. Because we're an exclusive boutique service of death and new life. Then we've come to the right place. Please, tell me. How would you like to die? No, we don't. You don't want to die? No. No. No?'t. You... you don't want to die? No. No?

No. Then why are you here? Ha ha ha ha! Should I... should I know you? Look closer. At what? At our foreheads, maybe? Okay.

Oh, you got pimples and those wrinkles aren't doing you any favors. No, no, not my forehead. Oh, sorry. Oh. Oh. Yes, now you've got it. Okay, I see. His tattoo.

I see the tattoo. Okay, I see it. Ah. It's you. I have heard speak of you. The giant with the chicken on his head and the smaller one with the stupid smile. Chicken? Stupid smile?

It is a... B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b in flamboyance, which is pretty stupid for a secret organization, don't you think? Without flair, what's the point? And I use the word specialize generously. You were recently spotted by a monk digging up a guy in Hornsey Cemetery and then driving him off in a potato cart. It will surprise you how long a human can survive in a casket if you supply him with a flask of water and some biscuits. Burying someone alive? Hup! Hup! Inhumane!

Oh please, he was in there for less than a day. And then someone saw you? Amateurs! Yes, well, we've heard about you too. And we are not so impressed with your latest death. I mean, I can't even keep track of them all. Which death are you talking about? Richard Lionheart. Come on, you're not impressed by the death of Richard Lionheart. It's some of my best work and quite frankly... No, no, no, no. In fact, we are appalled. Appalled? Utterly appalled. You must be joking. The death of Richard the Lionheart is one of my best.

Oh? What exactly are you so happy with? A bolt wound? It's nothing special. To the untrained eye, it may just be a bolt wound. But I assure you, it is so much more than that. Oh, well. Pray tell.

Gladly. Three weeks ago, Richard Lionheart was hit in the shoulder by a crossbow bolt whilst besieging a Chateau de Chaloux-Chaprault. The wound wasn't lethal at first, but it turned gangrenous. And, lying on his deathbed, Richard asked to have the crossbowman brought before him. Dodo the boy. Son of the master at Chaloucha Pole. Whose father and two brothers Richard had murdered when he took the castle. Yeah, whatever. And there he was.

A boy no older than eleven. Standing by the deathbed of King Richard the man with the lion's heart. Admitting that, yes, seeing his family killed and filled him with such anger, and in a blind rage, he had grabbed his father's crossbow and fired at the king. So, why had Richard called for him? To his own deathbed? Was it so that he could kill him with his own hands

before he, you know, shuffled off this mortal coil, get the revenge he deserved? Uh-uh. In a final act of mercy, Richard forgives the boy. Uh, uh, live on and buy my bounty, behold the light of day, he says. Then he orders the boy freed and sends him away with one hundred shillings. A few days later, Richard draws his last breath in the arms of his dear old mother. Ah, I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

It's beautiful, isn't it? Yes, well, we have some issues with it. Why, you wish it was your success? No. Then what? Actually, how did you know Richard's death was faked at all? Because Richard Lionheart asked us first. Said what?

He asked you first? He asked you first? Nonsense. Oh, you don't believe me? No. Well, we can prove it. Khalidi? Yes.

Now, where is it? I do not like wearing metal. Where is it? I do not like wearing metal. Where is it? Just twist a little bit more. There. We got a letter. A miracle that it reached us, really. Read it.

Dear Brotherhood of the Phoenix, I am on my way to suppress a revolt by Viscount Aemar V of Limoges. Although it will be lent by the time I arrive, I will devastate the Viscount's land with fire and sword. Then I shall besiege Château de Chalouchabrol. Which we thought was conspicuous. Why besiege a tiny, virtually unarmed castle? But then he writes... It is a pathetic castle.

It is a pathetic castle. And the Viscount's revolt would dissolve by itself was I to do not. Without someone to dress him in the morning, the vicount would not be able to organize his trousers so they did not end up on his head. No, the real reason I am going to Limoges is not for the revolt. It is because I have been told the local rabble who reside at Château du Chalouchabrol have uncovered the treasure of Roman gold, buried on their land. A treasure so great, I could live in luxury for the rest of my life. I would never have to lift a finger. In truth, I am tired of lifting my finger, never mind my sword.

I have been a knight and a warrior for so long, my body is aching. I feel old age coming on. Oh, yeah, well, he really is an old man. How old is he? 42. Yes, 42, that is, oh. One foot in the grave.

Very old. I am tired, and I would like for this to be my last adventure. I want to leave Lionheart behind and become another man. I have been told you are the kind of people who could make it so. And there's his signature. Look. Let me see that. It's a little picture of a lion.

Royal seal. So why did you not take the case? Oh, we were going to. We just didn't make it on time. You lingered. We didn't linger. We were in Japan. Ja what?

Where the hell is that? We set off immediately, but on our way back we had to make a short stop in Sweden to help Queen Benedicte Ebisdottir of Vidae die from a horrible disease. Then we suffered a tiny little storm on the Baltic Sea, a highway robbery in Pomerania, got embroiled in a salacious affair in Bohemia. Did you know, by the way, the Bohemians are really not that Bohemian when it comes down to it? She asked me to do it, I said, but her husband wouldn't have any of it. She asked me to do it, I said, but her husband wouldn't have any of it. Anyhow, by the time we managed to flee to Limoges, the impatient bastards already gone ahead and died. When we found that Richard Lionheart was already dead, it was easy enough to put two and two together. We asked the right people the right questions.

And here we are. Here you are to express your jealousy. Pathetic. But alright. Okay. Message received. What? We are not jealous.

We have complaints. Mmm. Sorry, but not sorry, I got here before you. Now you know who's taking your clients. Your inevitable demise has got a face. This one. Now piss off. We're not angry you took our client.

We were having the time of our lives in Bohemia. You know, the Bohemians do get really Bohemian once the lights are out. That husband. Oh, whoa. No, we're angry at what a sham you've made of it. Sham? A disgrace to our profession. Yeah, angry at what a sham you've made of it. Sham? A disgrace to our profession!

Yeah, I know what a sham is. Our profession? Two minutes ago, you thought you were the only ones doing this. And at that point, it was real easy being the best in the business. You're not the best in the business. We are the best in the business. We are. No, we are. Boys. No, we are. No, we are. Boys. No, we are.

No, we are. What my friend wants to express is... That we disapprove of the treatment of the boy. Richard is hardly a boy. He's an old man of 42 and like I said, one foot in the grave, so I would really... The boy! The boy whom you framed for killing Richard. Dudo, Dumbo. The boy! The boy whom you framed for killing Richard! DUDO, DUMBO! Oh... him.

The traitor with the funny name, not DUDO... DUDE? The boy is no traitor. He didn't shoot Lionheart. He's 11 years old! Poor DUDO, hidden a pigsty, shivering with fear, hoping he wouldn't face the fate of his father and brothers. It was you who told him to admit to the murder. You coerced him, threatened him.

So what? You framed an innocent child! Ah, I did him a favor. Didn't you hear the part where Lionheart pardoned him and we set him off with a hundred shillings? No. A hundred shillings stolen from his own inheritance. A treasure of Roman gold. Richard wanted to be remembered as a chivalrous and merciful king, you know? Killed by a child and pardoning his killer. Ah! What a story. Call that a story. Distracting from the fact that Lionheart was a tyrant and a mass murderer.

Yeah, duh. The boy will be a hero among the locals for having killed Lionheart, a legend, even, really. Already, now they're singing, Oh, the mighty lion by the ant was slain. I'm not a song guy, but you get the idea. Doodo will do just fine. God, it's a silly name, though, isn't? Dudo, do, do, do, do. Yes, the thing is, he will not do fine. Now that Richard is gone, Richard cannot protect the boy

anymore. What do you mean? Mercadier. I don't, Gesundheit? Mercadier. I don't, I don't know who that is. You don't know? Mercadier, Captain Mercadier, the famous mercenary. Uh, I may have heard of him. Oh, you may have heard of him. Well, he has taken it upon himself to revenge the death of Richard Lionheart. Pardon or no pardon, he swore to have the boy killed.

Oh yeah, yeah, right, right, I heard talk of that. He put a price on the boy's head. The whole town went looking for him. He was captured this morning. Tomorrow, he will be killed for a murder he did not commit. The murder of a man who is not even dead. Hell, if you wanna make an omelet, you gotta steal a chicken, you know what I mean?

Steal a chicken? What do you mean, if you want to make an omelette? Ah, nah, nothing. Did you? No, it was just a metaphor. A metaphor for what? Nothing, it was just, it was a non-sequitur, it doesn't- I knew it.

You knew full well that Mercadier was planning to kill the boy. Okay, fine, you got me. Right, The boy knows too much. He's gotta go. Mercadier is acting on your orders. Nah, that's where you're wrong, because Mercadier doesn't follow anyone's orders but his own. Call it off. Save the boy, please. Save the boy. Listen, it can't be done. And not because I couldn't be persuaded if there weren't enough shillings in the purse.

No, it's because it's out of my hands. Why? Because Mercadier doesn't know about Richard's death being faked. Now Mercadier, he's a vengeful, overexcitable psychopath, no doubt about it. Woohoo, and once he smells blood, it lights out. Imagine if I tried calling it off, okay?

He would get suspicious, it could turn him against me, and we don't want that. I don't want that. I can think of an 11-year-old who would prefer it that way. Meh. Yes. Matthew. It is Matthew, isn't it?

It is. Matthew, isn't it? It is. Matthew, have you no heart? The boy is innocent. If this boy is so important to you, then why don't you just fake his death? Oh, I hear it now. Right. I see. Yep, I see it. Of course. I should have seen it right away. Yep, that's what you're doing. Well, one deathfaker to another. We need to know how Mercadier is planning to kill the boy.

Then we can intercept it and fake it. And what do I get in return? Peace of mind. Nah. Nah, doesn't do it for me. The address of a whole lot of free-spirited bohemians? No, I already know that address and it's Bohemia. Money? We don't have any right now but we can write you an IOU. Yeah. Oh, come on. You have nothing I want, okay? So just piss off,

because I have a tournament to plan and a death by jousting to fake, and a lady in the front row is gonna be speared by a wayward lance. I wish you could stick around to see it because it will be spectacular. Well, yes, so do I, because that does actually sound rather spectacular.

Thank you very much. No, a child's life is at stake here. There must be something we can offer you. Mathieu, excuse us for a moment. Please. Arthur, we should just leave. No, no, but... I told you this was pointless.

There is no reasoning with a man like him. You are trying to appeal to the better side of a man who... has no better side. Yes, yes, you are right. Why did I ever think this would work? I should never have been so foolish. I mean, what am I doing asking for help from a shoddy, half-assed, spineless, self-serving copycat? I'm sorry, I was eavesdropping and I heard you say...

Did you say copycat? No, that's not what I said. Yes, I said it very loudly. And what is... what is that even? Oh, well, that would be a cat that mimics other... Cat cats? Cats don't do that. Maybe a monkey does that. Well, straight from the monkey's mouth.

You're calling me a monkey? Yes, that is what I was calling you. I am calling you, well, no, actually, you know what? I'm calling you an ugly naked mole rat who has stolen our business idea. We said not to pick a fight. Well, it hardly matters now, does it? Coffee cat. I'm copying you?

Now, that's rich. I'll have you know, the Brotherhood of the Immortal Mole Rat Naked Mole Rat has been around Naked Immortal Mole Rat has been around for centuries. My father was a death faker, and his father before him,

and his father before him, and his grandfather before him. Okay? You mean fathers? No, actually, his father was an onion seller and a part-time onion taster. But his grandfather and his grandfather's father and his father again and his father again, the Glasgow lineage traces all the way back to my great-great-great-great-great-times

40 or something grandfather. So there can be no doubt, you have stolen our business model. It is the same brotherhood. See, I told you. Well, we can still disprove that you were first. Arthur, there is no point. No, but I have a point.

In fact, we can prove that not only was the Brotherhood of the Phoenix around before the first glasscoat ever faked to death- Can you also have a lineage? We can also prove you stole our name. You're also called Glasscoat? Not on your life. But you call yourself a Brotherhood. Why? You're not a Brotherhood. You're a family.

Yep, families have brothers. How many brothers do you have? Yeah, one sister, but I don't see why that's important. Also, your name is ridiculous. The Brotherhood of the Phoenix. Now that is a proud and beautiful name. It is poetic and symbolic, but the Brotherhood of the Naked Morat- Immortal!

I mean- Immortal! Immortal! The Morat- I'll have you know, is a real creature, unlike your stupid phoenix, which only exists in stories and just keeps coming back. Well, that is not actually correct. The mole rat is an actual animal which lives forever.

Yes, right. Surely it doesn't. No, it does. It simply goes on and on and on, like this conversation, which makes it poetic and symbolic and proud and a beautiful emblem for a death-faking business. I have seen this animal once. You have? I have.

It is very rare. Lives in secret underground. In the dirt. And that makes it a fitting emblem for a death baking business. It is very ugly. Oh. It has no fur, which is of course

why it is known as the naked moment. I know the goddamn rat is naked, okay? I know, we all know, okay? But the brotherhood is called immortal, immortal. And it is in fact not immortal. Really? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Violence. More specifically, in-species rivalry. Clans of mole rats attack each other over territory. In other words, the only thing known to kill a mole rat is... the mole rat. Which, I suppose, makes it a fitting emblem for...

A death-faking agency? Stupidity. Are you calling me stupid? I was simply remarking on the symbolic value of the mole rat. So we are picking a fight now? He called Phoenix a stupid rat. So your brotherhood is also old? Oh, it is. Ancient?

I'd say so, yes. Perhaps. What do I know? What I do know is the difference between quality and whatever it is that you're doing. Oh, believe me, we provide services of the utmost quality. Really? We can prove that, too. Okay, how?

Let's compare notes. We list one of our fake deaths, you list one of yours. We work our way back through time, pointing out highlights, and in the end we see who has got the more impressive list. Okay. Good. Fine. Sure. Yes. Let's. You start. Gladly. Let's you start gladly Miller light the light beer brewed for people who love the taste of beer and the perfect pairing for your game time When Miller light set out to brew a light beer they had to choose great taste or 90 calories per can

They chose both because they knew the best part of beer is the beer. Your game time tastes like Miller time. Learn more at MillerLight.ca. Must be legal drinking age. This is an ad for better health. Welcome to the world. Please read your personal owner's manual thoroughly. In it you'll find simple instructions for how to interact with your fellow human beings and how to find happiness and peace of mind.

Thank you and have a nice life! Unfortunately life doesn't come with an owner's manual. That's why there's BetterHelp online therapy. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video or online chat. Visit betterhelp.com to learn more. That's betterHELP.com. 1021. Al-Hakim b. Amr Allah, the sixth Fatimid caliph and sixteenth Ismaili imam, went night riding, but only his donkey returned. D.D.F.

What? D.D.F. Distinguishing Death Feature. D.D.F. Distinguishing Death Feature? WellD-F-Distinguishing death feature? Well, okay, the uh, the donkey looked sad. Huh. 1016, Edmund Ironside. Do you mean Edmund Andre, dude? DDF, stabbed in the bottom by a Viking hiding in a toilet. Classic.

Oh yes, I heard about that. and afterwards I held it in for weeks bought myself a poking stick to check the toilet Oh Sneaky Vikings. Mm-hmm next caliphs and kings aside. Let us mention one of our most impressive disappearances not one man alone, but 5,500 men. Oh, yes you 108 the ninth Roman legion Vanished without a trace the holes. I throw my legion. That was you. Yes. All right. Yes Ddf and DTF you want to DTF. I would like I'll give you a DTF They never existed

What no the ninth as we see Emperor Trajan wanted to be declared Optimus Princeps by his Senate. He needed his army to be bigger than his predecessors. Or to have been bigger. So you didn't fake anyone's death. You just made up a fake legion? No, that's cheating. It is not. Yeah, okay.

Talking about the Roman Empire, let me counter your fake legion with our real league. From 200 BC to 300 AD, the Brotherhood of the Naked, immortal, I mean immortal, I was hoping that would stick. Had a standing order with the Roman League of Apothecaries. Apothecaries? Dangerous profession, high mortality rate, a lot of accidental poisonings.

Darling Mathieu, once you have seen poisonings. Oh darling, Mathieu. Once you have seen one poisoning, you have seen them all. I'll have you know, our purple boils are a proud family secret. Do you use Bishop's Bar? How did you know? 44 BC, a certain Mr. J... Caesar. Really? Really.

Okay, DDF? For this one, it's his new life I'm most proud of. Which was? Well, you see, after his assassination, we moved Caesar to a small palazzo in Greece where he opened a health food restaurant and was able to concentrate on his real passion. Salads. Uh, okay. Uh, how about, um, here we are. 30 BC, Cleopatra. Cleopatra? Uh-oh. Yep BC Cleopatra. Cleopatra? Yep, Cleopatra.

Ha ha ha ha! We faked Cleopatra's death. Uh... you did. We did? You just made that up. Fine. I lied. Now who's a cheat? Okay, but I only did it because you cheated first with that legion thing.

May I remind you we have not set down rules for this game? Our turn. Heraclitus. 480 BC. Oh, you're going to like this one. The Weeping Philosopher. I've never heard of him. He was also known as Heraclitus the Obscure.

What was his distinguishing death feature? Covered himself in a layer of cow dung. Ugh. why? For comfort and healing. Cow dung? Yes. It hardened in the sun until he could not escape. His screams attracted a pack of wild dogs who mauled him to death.

And that's a death you're proud of? Yes. Cow dung. Oh, gross! Not unique! Okay, do you have any more deaths to claim? After cow dung, I don't think I need to. Oh yes, well I do think it's clear, isn't it? We have brought forward sufficient proof that we are deathfakers of such incredible quality,

we easily surpass the brotherhood of the lesser-clad mow-gah. No, I don't think so. Not after cow dung. I think cow dung is gonna do it. Oh really? Our stabbing vikings? That's the way you want to go, is it? That is the way I want it to go. Do you know how long he was hiding in that toilet? Okay look! A big brood with dreadlocks in his beard. Alright, we both have deaths on the record that involve being covered in poop. So what? Well, ours was cow poop, not human poop. Yeah, that is so much easier to obtain.

Please, honorable gentleman, please calm down. We seem to have arrived at an impasse. But we need to crown a winner. Oh, yes we do. I will not have this clown with his poo vikings walking around claiming that he is the best in the business. And I will not accept that Mr. Cowdung over here flaunts best in the business when all he's capable of is making up fake legions and feeding a cow fiber. Well, maybe we should just joust again, eh? Me against Hilo Alba.

I like the way that sounds. Oh, I like the way that sounds too, that's why I said it! No one is getting killed today! I wouldn't be getting killed today, that's for sure. But, I have an idea. What? Yes, what? We let Matthew have the title.

What? Yeah. What title? Best in the business. Best? What? Why would we do that? In exchange for the information we came for. Why would I accept that? I am already the best in the business. Officially. We will recognize you as the best in the business officially.

If anyone asks us if we are the best, even if it is a potential client, we have to admit that we are not. We'll not do- You are. No, um- Ha! You would officially recognize the Brotherhood of the Immortal Mole Rat as the best in the business. We would, if you tell us how Mercadier is planning to execute the boy. Best in the business, huh? The Brotherhood of the Immortal Mole Rat is the best in the death-faking business.

Ooh. Oh, God, that hurts. Ooh, I do like the way that sounds. Bolt to the chest. Alright, it's a deal. But only for fifty years. What? No, excuse me.

What are you doing? I'm single, the boy, and it is costing us nothing. By appealing to his ego, we can give him something that is of no real value and still save Dudo's life. No real value? I'm not going to let this good-for-nothing have that title forever Apparently the mole rats have managed to stick around for centuries They're the same people we came across when we met Joseph a millennium ago

They may still be around a millennium from now That is a long time to have to concede to that bastard and his progeny but Arthur We have to make him agree to do baked us Arthur. He begged us 50 years and the mole rat will agree to the terms how just follow my lead We offer you with a prestigious title of best in the business for fifty whole years. Yes, well you see, that covers the rest of your life and then some. Your son and your grandson after him will both benefit. My progeny, huh? Why only fifty years?

What happens then? We compete for it. Come again? Fifty years from today, our two esteemed establishments shall meet again. At that point, through a fair competition with an impartial judge, we shall establish who truly deserves the title. Competition? Competition, yes. It'll be a tournament of sorts. Tournament of sorts? I like those. Yes, I know you do.

So is it a deal? Is it a deal? Hmm. Is it a deal? Fine. Fine? Yes! Great!

But only for fifty years. Yes, but... no, wait, sorry? Yes, we meet every fifty years. Our two houses shall compete for the title Best in the business every 50 years from now until eternity. W-w-w-w-why? Why? I mean in 50 years you could win the title forever! Or lose it forever. No, I won't let you cheat and win it in 50 years and then own it until the end of time. I'm not an idiot. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh'm not an idiot. Oh! Oh!

Oh. Well, I mean, that was quite idiotic. Sorry. Fifty years, you say? I suppose we could. Good. Every fifty years. I suppose it could be fun. Right, Hamidi?

Well, what if other death-faking businesses appear alongside us? Others? It could happen. Oh, but I mean, then they should be invited to take part. Yes. Clearly. Sure. The more chances you have of losing, the better.

Likewise. Agreed. Let's shake on it. Here, come here. Okay. Yeah. Oh, should I take your right hand? We cannot both take the right hand.

There's a hand for each one of you, so you take... Oh, this is very awkward. Are you taking the left or the, um... Just make up your minds. Just make up your minds. Pick a hand. Well, I have to cross over now. My hand. Okay, sorry. Here, just... Well, I thought it was his hand.

Couldn't we just pose instead? There, grab. I'm gonna grab all of your hands and both of my hands. And now I'm shaking them. Shake. Good? Now, we are agreed. Right, um... Well, that was clumsy. So, how is the boy to be killed? The boy?

What? Oh, the boy! Yeah, right, uh, flayed alive and hanged. Flayed alive and hanged? Well, the hanging is easy, but the flaying? Flayed alive? Hmm. A skin coat!

We drape him in a coat made of piglet skin. Yes. And underneath, we drench him in fresh blood. That could work. I have work to do. Even the hangman has to believe it is real, of course. Yes. Thank you, Mathieu. You have been a great sport. You have been a great sport. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe hehehe he he know. Are you alright? You've not? Oh no. You see I've also been,

and I will be, for the next fifty years! Come on, say it, say it, I wanna hear you say it, both of you! Say it! Fine, deal to deal. You have been, and you are

currently the best in the business. Fine, deal to deal. You have been and you are currently... The best in the business. Yeah. I have to go find that horse. I'm going to hate this. Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits. The Amelia Project is a production of imploding fictions, and no horses were harmed in the making of this episode. The episode featured Josh Callahan as Mathieu, Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Hemi Jeroham as Koslowski, and Benjamin Noble as the town

crier. The episode was written by Einstein Ulzberg-Braga with story and dialogue editing by Philip Thorne, music by Frederick Barden, sound design by Alexander Danner, assistance by Marty Parzival, graphic design by Anders Pedersen and direction by Einstein Braga and Philip Thorne. This episode was loosely inspired by something that two listeners produced as part of Cocoa Collabs. While they've wished to remain uncredited, we'd like to thank them and to say thank you to the organizers of Cocoa Collabs, a week-long online event of Amelia-inspired creativity. We'd also like to say thank you to Bob Raimonda and Jack

Marrone for letting us use one of their jokes. A massive thank you to our supporters on Patreon and Apple Podcasts subscriptions, without whom this show would disappear and reappear as an instruction manual for an electric nose hair picker. If you're not yet supporting us but are considering it, head over to ameliorpodcast.com and click on support the show to see the various options and get more info. Depending on the level of support, you can get ad-free episodes, early releases, invites to listening parties, bonus episodes and bonus series, dedications and shoutouts in the credits. Speaking of which, a massive thank you to our super patrons!

At the time of recording, that's Celeste Joes, Heat312, Gemphidic, Albina Sant, Amalien Allison, Stephanie Weitniller, Rafael Eduardo, Vyfas Verasteky, Allison Thro, Patricia Bornwagner, Bryce God, McCliff Heisinger, Michael West, Diana Birchenbrieter, Tim McMackin, Bly Varnie, Natali Arora, Lee and Vy Huardine, Mr. Squiggles, Tony Fisher, Tibby, Florian Byers, Kirtney Mays Rensen, Boo, Mark Scrobonek, Astra, Kim, Olivia Dodson, Philip Hanson, Michael David Smith, Alicia Hall, LG, Heldon Inkheart, Ryan Burnett, Robert Acker, Supercali Fragilistic, xplexnickel, Timoteus, Doctimus, Ben Carlisle, Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O'Mara and Christine Bayuga. And now, the epilogue.

Hello? Who are you? Have I come to the, uh, the Brotherhood of the Immortal Mole Rat? I've never, um, maybe. Depends. What do you want? I need to die. Who are you? Why don't you take that hood off? I need to die. Huh. Who are you?

Why don't you take that hood off? Oh, I'd rather not. OK. What kind of hood is that? It's very nice quality stitching. Is that a hangman's hood? Yeah, it is. I am the hangman of Limoges.

Oh. Well, then I'm in very reputable company, aren't I? Heard all about you. Hardly. I mean, if the town didn't hate me before, they hate me now. Oh, yeah? Why, um, why is that? Oh, the kid. What kid? Well, the kid with the weird name. Dudo. Why? Did something happen to him?

Well, who is me was had to flay and hang him. Oh. No, I Guess it is right there in the name, but go on. Well, he's a hero ain't he? legend the martyr Killing the tyrant lion aren't they dying for it? Now the town puts up with me hanging robbers and rapists and murderers and whatnot But this time I killed their hero. And he was grisly too.

So much blood. Hmm, and now they're coming for me. Please, Plitch, can you, can you fake my death? I hear you're the best in the business. Oh, well, since you say that, uh, yes. I am the best in the business. Oh, yes I am. So this is the end of the world.

Pretty weird, right? I'm Hannah. I'm sure you've probably noticed by now, I'm a zombie. Might even be the last one. From the creator of Redmond Bourne and Cybernautica. I can't exactly control most of the things zombie me does, and basically what amounts to a backseat driver in my own body. You learn to kind of just go with it after a while, I think. Like, You learn to kind of just go with it after a while, I think. Like, do I feel bad for eating a family of four when I was new? You bet!

Not exactly my favorite memory. Hanna is living her best un-life, while unknowingly being on a crash course with Kali, an explorer desperately seeking to leave her mark on an American wasteland that seems to be all out of new discoveries. Together this unlikely pair team up against the dangers of post-apocalyptic. Okay, okay. This thing is not playing around at all. Shit incoming! Sometimes I miss the old days. Killing zombies for upstart communities.

Now that was a lot more simple, a lot more ethical too. Wouldn't you say so? Don't you think it's a little more ethical to kill a zombie than just some stranger on the road? Pan-Apocalypse. A story about love, death, and robots. Just not the Methodist guy.