The Amelia Project - Episode 87 - King Arthur (537 AD)

Episode Date: February 28, 2025

"He came concealed, but he hath now revealed his true identity! Kneel for the mighty King Arthur!" The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions. This episode featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Owen Lindsay as Big Jim, Patrick Lamb as Gavin, Anne Weiner as the barmaid, Anne Marie Sheridan, Beus Lunaire, Lara Bozkurt, Nicola Ségur and Torgny G. Aanderaa as villagers, Jordan Cobb as Jackie Williams and Erin King as Mia Fox. The episode was written by Oystein Ulsberg Brager with story and audio editing by Philip Thorne, translations into Old English by Dr. Markus Freudinger, sound design by Eli Hamada Mcilveen, music by Fredrik Baden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen, production assistance by Maty Parzival, and casting assistance by Julia C. Thorne. The episode was recorded at RedP studio in Vienna, with engineering by Arpad Hadnagy and Oliver Illes and assistance by Paul Kraner. Website: https://ameliapodcast.com/  Transcripts: https://ameliapodcast.com/season-5  Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-amelia-project?ref_id=6148 Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/theameliaproject.bsky.social Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast X: https://twitter.com/amelia_podcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Warning. I've got this condition where I don't feel pain. You're a superhero. No. This is how intense Nova Kane sounds. Oh, wow. Imagine how it looks. Is there more?

Yeah, big time. Nova Kane, only in until March 23rd. Rules apply Canada only. No purchase necessary. Visit the Tim's app for details. This episode is dedicated to Tucker Echweiler, who we will scare to death in a haunted house and resurrect as a petting zoo caretaker in southern France. Thank you to all our patrons who allow us to keep telling stories.

Enjoy the episode. Not only that, I sing the same song you sang before you. I don't have the same song as you, my dear. I'm sorry, I'm not good at it. Not good at it, not good at it. I'm not good at it, but I'm not good at it. And I will steal your sheep's fur. Arthur. Yes, my lord. Do you think that we can get something from this leon?

Not at all. It may be one of the deities. When he falls, he will be taken to another land with his picture on it. And he will be taken to another castle. And the king will say whether he will be able to do it himself. This is a new death that will be in the future. And this is a good thing. Yes, that is the thing with good things. And this is a bad thing. And for the Thanks to that the shoulder Virge and the vator deaches clan on game It is in straight on the earth

Now now to Mitchell Virges Seasheer a book come a lot It's a myth legit bit great Quincy on Villa Virge and not the have done send it before them this umordred to them reach a franken. And the good the year funny Maramichel and also for the new sick lich Frankenum the new hit shock lich fit she on On Dita he volde via has there Yes, lay in deadly chvita meet meti hands And who we take him?

Clang! Clang! Hit! Ah! Yes, you who have the power to kill the same man as the lion of the forest, I shall send you to hell! Lich nes Elias et oren, an jite hi loko de dean. Lich ne he armede his anvlita nat, lich tu asko dest. Folk vilevitan he is mortred. Aach, evne his horin i kudevitan his body. Swish, swish, hit!

Ahaha! Careful, Arthur. Jes leyen bese michtichi, kuning Arthur. Yesleien bese michtig, kuning Arthur. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Please stop speaking Welsh. You're going into a trance again. You're speaking in tongues. This happened in 537. It is Old English. Whatever it is, speak so we can understand you.

Earlier you said you did not want me to translate into modern language. Yes, that was when you were pirates and said subcontractor. But there is a difference between that and waxing lyrical enjibberish. So what do you want me to do? Can't you find a middle ground? You want me to make up a language?

Just don't go... ICH, PICH, MICH I must warn you, it will not be accurate. Okay, but will we understand it? Yes. Then go ahead. The The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Øystein Ulspek Braga, with music and sound direction by Frederick Barden and sound design by Eli Hamara McElveen Episode 87 King Arthur 537 A.D.

Mervyn, Mervyn, I propose a toast. Ah, not again. We have already toasted to Mordred. Oh, maybe happy stomping on grapes. But we have not toasted to being poor. Again. Your good health. Neither a borrower nor a lender be. But beg and steal to thine art's content.

Ah, ah, ah. Ah, Arthur. Yea, Moorvin? Doth thou think we can learn something from this? I doubt that very much. Ha ha ha. May it be that in the future, when a patron pays us a plot of land with a building on it...

We own a castle. We first check whether it is a ruin. Oh, it just needs a lick of paint. And some walls. Yea, there's the matter of walls. And a ceiling. Yea. And some walls. Yay, there's the matter of walls. And a ceiling. Yay. And...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! A floor! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Yay, but apart from that, tis a castle! True. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Doth thou think we should dig out the moat again? Tis a river of mud.

No, no, too much work. Ah, the magnificent Castle of Camelot. It seemed like it would be grand. "'Tis no point in complaining. We have already sent Mordred to the kingdom of the Franks." "'Aye, Mordred, what a miltzop! When thou said to make him fit in better with the Franks, thou could cut off his nose and give him a bigger one. He trembled like a fish on land. Ha ha ha. I have never seen a man less fit to be a warrior. And yet he wanted a warrior's death, slain by a mighty sword in deadly combat.

Oh, yay. And how I cut him down! Clang! Clang! Stab! Yeah, thou could have left the corpse of Mordorite likeness less mangled, and he would still have looked dead. Hey, I left his face unscathed like thou asked. You'll be recognized. But even his mistress could not recognize his torso. Swish! Swoosh!

Slap! Careful, Arthur! Slain by the mighty... King Arthur. Yes. So thou art a king now. Oh, this sword is surely worthy of a king. Tis a mighty fine sword indeed.

Tis a mighty fine sword indeed. Tis a mighty fine sword indeed. God, I love it so much. Did thou name it yet? Well, I was thinking, um, Caledfarch? Or Calisfall? Or maybe Caledfarch? That was the same name three times over, in Welsh Cornish and Breton. Well, I got it from a Welshman, but it was forged in Cornwall by a Breton.

I cannot decide betwixt them. Ah, how about the Latin version, Caliburnus? That sounds shit. The battle really should have had a story. Art thou not over that? If thou had named thyself King Arthur before thou slayed the body of Mordred's likeness, well, we could have worked with that, I suppose. Now a passerby will get a mighty whiff of corpses strewn as far as the nose can smell and wonder

who were all these men? But there will be no answer for them. Well, me thinks that was the greatest death we have faked in centuries. I mean, how many corpses did we make, Lucas' warriors, in the end? Uh, own hundred and four and twenty. Whistle. But I tell thee, the people in Salisbury

coming upon this battlefield are going to ask, why were these men fighting? Which armies did they belong to? Nah, me thinks not. There are so many battles nowadays, no one thinks twice about a field full of corpses. A farmer who walks out to oversee his crops and finds his field soaked in blood simply goes, ah, not again. Times are not so bad. No, we walked past three battlefields just on our way here today. Well...

All that matters is that they recognise the valiant-looking corpse of Mordred's likeness, realise how valiantly he fought, how many he valiantly slaughtered, and celebrate his valorous......valour. More ale? Aye, please, fair lady. I'll be right over with two jugs. Make that fowar. Aye, sire. When should we tell her we cannot pay?

Well, not yet. Excuse me? Excuse me? Art thou Mervyn Wyldt? Who is asking? Thou art, art thou not? Thou owe'st me a bag of gold? Me thinks not. Ye, thou bought herbs from me garden, and thou never came back to pay. Who art thou talking to, Gavin?

Tis Mervyn Wyldt. Mervyn Wyldt? I didn't recognize thine face with that beard. Thou bought chicken bones from me, and I never got the shillinges thou owe of me. I do not know this Mervyn you talk of. Thou looketh just like him. Thou doeth? What did he do for a living, this Mervyn?

He's a wanderer, ain't he? And a madman, they say. Well, I am neither a wanderer nor a madman, so I am not he. He's not, no. Only a madman would have a beard like that. How many birds live within it, or are they rats? I am not a madman. Who art thou, then?

I... I...I...am a wizard! Here we go. Excuse me. I am Merlin the wizard. Merlin? Merlin? Yes. Merlin, Merlin. I left her to make a note of that. Merlin.

Merlin the mystery man. By turn strategist and master of statecraft, counselor to kings and confidant to queens, Merlin the mighty magician. So do not accuse me of being a lowly madman with a bad credit score, or harm will reign upon thee. A wizard? Seriously, that's what thou will have us believe? That thou want me to prove it? I want thee to stop gabbing shite.

Watch out, or thou might find thyself a man no more but a frog, getting stamped into these stone slabs by drunken feet. Listen, mate, we've just been through the worst two years of famine in man's memory. We're here at this tavern to drink our sorrows away, not to have our ears filled with the manure of a bragging sick cow. Excuse me. Two years of famine we lived through.

Me cows died, me sheep died, me dogs died. Excuse me. Two years of famine we lived through. Me cows died, me sheep died, me dogs died, me bear died, me chickens died, and me mother-in-law, bless her soul, also came to live with us. So me life hath gone to shite. That sounds awful. And I don't have the humor for liars or tricksters anymore. And if it is one thing I hate more than a herb-stealing weasel, it is a potsy-bearded drunk who fancies himself a court jester.

So come here and give me me gold or I'll punch thy stalling Me I am a wizard! I'm safe! This is not worth it Gavin! He's three times my size! Here are your ales! Oh no! No fighting! No fighting! Please stop fighting in the tavern! The landlord has forbid it! Please, take it outside!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Wait, wait, wait! I can vouch for him being a wizard! Thou canst! What really a wizard? A wizard? He is a wizard? Did you hear about the Battle of Salisbury, where Mordred the Valiant fell? Aye.

Oh yeah, I did hear about that. They say he killed fifty men, all on his own. I owed to us a hundred. Well, yay, maybe own hundred and four and twenty. Anyway, we were there and I saw Marlin, Merlin, in the midst of the battlefield walking unskiped. Not a blade could touch him, not an arrow would land near him. Nay, the arrows bowed in the air as in awe, turned and flew the other way. Really? Really.

Wow. No. Do you think we are a bunch of peasants? Tis as true as me standing on this cold stone floor. So thou art not Maven Whit? He's not. I have never heard of him. Um, well then, I apologise. You are forgiven.

If I'll seeest him, tell him Gavin's looking for him. Right. I'll let you get back to your ales then. Much obliged. Alright. You alright? Just about. He's small but mighty.

It was a good fight. Yeah. It's been years. Your ales are on your table. Ah, oh thanks. I'm going home now. What? At this early hour? But we've only just started drinking.

Oh, we're not closing. Oh, phew. For a minute there. But my husband wants me back early. Oh. So the landlord will tend to you if you order more. Right. But could I ask you to settle your score for what you've eaten and drunk so far? Oh, um, right. Well, here is the thing.

Merlin. Fair maiden, thine eyes shine most brightly, like stars in the sky. Oh yes. Thanks, now the payment, if thou art so kind. Right, well you see, the thing is, thou seest, when it comes to paying, we are not entirely inclined to do so. Canst Thou not pay? Thou hast eaten half our pantry, nay more! Well, tis not so much that we can't pay, as much as that we are not going to pay, because... Help me out here!

If ye refuse to pay, I will have to call the landlord and I warn ye, his brother is the sheriff. Is that so? Marvin, Merlin, how dare thou? What? How dare thou ask this man to pay? Who dost thou think thou art? And why dost thou not fall to thine knees and honour him? I'm glad thou art helping, but what is going on? Who is he? Yeah, you am I. Dost thou not recognise him? No.

Everybody, listen! Do we want to draw this much attention? Bow your heads and fall to the ground. He came concealed, but he hath now revealed his true identity. Kneel for the mighty King Arthur! I never should have said that name. This is an ad from BetterHelp Online Therapy. We always hear about the red flags to avoid in relationships, but it's just as important to focus on the green flags.

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I've not heard of one. Does he not know who your king is? He must be the Saxon king, right? Or could be the Roman emperor. The Roman emperor wouldn't show up in pig arse end of nowhere on account of us not being Roman! Aren't we Roman? I'm gonna tear down that aqueduct then, tis messin' up my garden! Weren't we Breton for a while? No, no, we went back to being Roman, but then we became Breton.

I don't mean as Saxon. No, I mean Breton. Me persons are Breton. Never liked it though. But after we were Breton, that's when we became Saxon. Is it? Well, there was the Battle of Aylesford, wasn't there? Yeah, but then there was the Battle of Whippers to Fleurt. Yeah, but then there was the Battle of Macready's Burn, weren't there?

Yeah, but then there was the Battle of Mons Badicus. Ah! Then there was the Battle of Mount Badon, wasn't there? Wasn't that before the Battle of Mons Badonicus? Nay, he thinks it was after. I cannot keep up. Oh, love ye, shut up! This is the great King Arthur, who conquered Scotland.

What do we need Scotland for? Let's not overdo it who fought off the Saxons in valiant battle So what are we then? and who resides at the Grand Court of Camelot Ooh that dot sounds fancy Hey, what are we then? Ah, English

Oh English, right So, um, thou art saying because he's a king, curtsy, curtsy, you're not paying for the meal, or the drinks, or the second meal, or the third meal, or the fourth, or any of the later drinks. Aye, this is what I'm saying. This lowly tavern should show proper curtsy to the king. Thou seest tis just that it will come out and be wages. Maybe the king should have compassion for the poor lass. Ay, look at that table. He's certainly eaten like a king. Least he can do his best to restore his riches on the poor.

Oh, let him do that. I'm very poor. You're aware, tis a king thou art talking of. Say he is the king, what does it matter? That's right, we don't care. Why should we accept his rule more than anyone else's? Tomorrow we'll be Saxon again. Or Roman. Doth thou know what?

Methinks if they don't pay, we should stone them. Oh, no, no, no, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me consult with my advisor for a moment. Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't!

Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't!

Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't! We have not a speck of gold to our names. Well, we do have the sword. No! I am not parting with the sword. Then we have not, Arthur.

Well, we better come up with a better story then, or this lot will pummel us with anything within their reach. I can smell their bloodlust. I have an idea. What? Tell me. Just follow my lead. Alright. I have an idea. Just follow my lead. Alright.

Ladies, men, I do not know if there aren't any here, but if there is, gentlemen too. The King and I understand your worries. With so much slaughter going on, who can tell which rule we are under? Oh, you speak of sense on that one. Of course, true. How doth one know which king to follow? I just follow the one with the nicest bottoms. But fear not! Among ordinary men wanting to rule, and devils wanting to conquer conquer there hath risen a true king. A true king?

Aye, and truth cannot be questioned. What the hell is a true king? I shall speak some Latin that will impress them. If you think so. The true king is Arthrus, Rexquondam rexquefuturus. What the hell does that mean? King Arthur is the king that was and the king that shall be. Well, that's good.

But how do we know that that's right? Anyone could say they're the true king. I could say that. Look it here, I'm wearing this bowl as a crown. I'm the true king, I could say that. Yeah, he could. Looketh here, I'm wearing this bowl as a crown. I'm the true king. So far, thine plan is not working. Shhh. Thou art right.

Anyone could say they art the true king, and indeed they did. Many years ago, I had a vision, for I am a wizard. A wizard? You what I am a wizard. A wizard? And a prophet. On Christmas Eve in the churchyard on the river outside of the Grand Castle of Camelot appeared a stone. Atop the stone an anvil, and trapped in the anvil a sword.

T'was not any sword, t'was a mighty sword, the mightiest of all, the magic sword Excalibur. Oh yes Excalibur, oh I like that. No man could pull it out, it was so hardly fastened. But I had a vision. Whoso pulleth out this sword off this stone in Anvil is Ratwise King, born of all England. Men came from far and wide, rulers and warriors,

noble men and luck seekers, but none could pull the sword from the anvil. For none of them were the divinely appointed king, the true heir of Uther Pendragon. Who's that then? Shut up! Oh. But after all these men had tried and all had failed, a mere squire walked into the courtyard, not knowing about the competition that hath been going on.

He is sent from his master to fetch a sword for fencing training. He walks up to the anvil and not thinking twice about it, pulls out the sword. And that squire was me. not thinking twice about it, pulls out the sword. And that squire was me. It was me, right? Aye.

And when I drew mine sweared Excalibur, it was so bright in my enemy's eye that it gaff light like thirty torches. And all new, this is the true King of England. That's quite something, innit? Maybe we should bow before him. If I split their bill, I'm sure we could come up with a... Nay, not yet, I say. Why not? Me thinks he should prove it.

Oh, aye! What? What? We need to see it. Yea, is that the sword there? Excaliphate or what not? Excalibur, yea! Well, if thou could do it once, thou can do it again, right?

Well, I, erm, erm... Big Jim's here, innit? Big Jim? Get him and tell him to bring his pillow in. Hello. What is happening? Trouble. Could we get this over with kind of quickly? My husband's waiting for me. Big Jim!

Step right. Big Jim! Big Jim! Oh, my lord! I was sleeping so sweetly, resting me head on this anvil. Why didst thou have to wake me up? Oh! Ah, lordy! There's lots of beams in the ceiling in here.

It's bigger than thee! By two heads, bull's heads. You can say that again. Just place the anvil here, love. Now, King Arthur, if that's who thou art, will thou please lend me that sword for a minute? Uh, why? So that Big Jim here can ram it into the anvil and then thou can pull it out again.

Oh, of course. Here thou art, Big Jim. Thanks. Nice sword. Thanks. It's called Excalibur. Thanks, Cassidy. Now ram that sword into the anvil, will thou love? Into the anvil? Yay.

But, erm... He thinks that's not possible. Oh, but this man says it happened before, and thou art the strongest man in all of the Saxon kingdom, Jim. Roman Empire. Breton backwaters. Wherever we are. Will thou do it for me, love?

I can give it a try. This cannot go out. It's going to break my sword. This cannot go on. He's going to break my sword! Is that in his... Oh, it went deep, didn't it? Yes, it's gone right through. Glad I'm not in.

And here comes the blood. It went right through his foot! Right through the stone floor! Oh, nice stone floor! Me foot! Me foot! No worries Big Jim! I'll get it out! I don't get it!

Ouch! Ouch! That looks nasty. I'm stuck. Let me. Ouch! No, that's not working. No, that's never coming out bad. Grab the sword with me, will you?

These weakling men have never pulled a root or pushed a cow. Aye, let the womenfolk do what I say. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! These weakling men have never pulled a root or pushed a cow. Aye, let the womenfolk do what I say. Ouch. Ouch.

Try wiggling it. Back and forth. Ouch. Back and forth. Ouch. Back and forth. We're not doing anything. We're just rubbing the handle.

It is looking very naughty. I give up. Just stuck. Sorry Jim, that was a bad idea. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Ouch! We're not doing anything. We're just rubbing the handle. And it's looking very naughty. I give up. Just stuck. Sorry, Jim. That wasn't my plan. I'm sure once thine foot dies it'll come off and I'll be free again. That's a consolation. Hang on. Does that mean I'm not getting mine sword back? Not until his foot rots. Ah, no! This is all thine fault!

Mine fault? But we shouldn't want for this step. This is thine magic, isn't it? No! You just had to call yourself a wizard. I've had enough of ye two! No, no, no! Quick, quick, quick! No!

I don't know who I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!

I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!

I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! There's some might run in the east. Take that! Everyone! Seek refuge behind the tables! The Tolls of the Mighty Finders! The big one's swift and the big one's strong! Behind here, quick!

Great! I can hit them from here. Hand me those chars! Oh, right, yeah, there you go. There's more, there you go. Can you go take these two? Oh, there's three big ones here. You're hitting him every time. So sorry Big Jim.

No worries. I was trying to throw past them. I get it. I'm a sitting duck. He's not called Big Jim for nothing. Listen you two. I don't care if you aren't the true king of England or the true shite coming at me arsehole. You're responsible for billing me husband to the floor you shits.

You're responsible for the shit coming at me arse don't care if thou art the true king of England or the true shite comin' at me arsehole. You're responsible for billin' me husband to the floor ye shitheads! No, they're married! Hey, congratulations, thou hath a fine husband! The villagers are fierce. We will be killed the moment we set for the door. So what doth thou suggest we do?

I am already a holy king. There is nowhere left for this tale to go. Lest thou want to make me out to be God himself. We have only one option, Arthur. What is that? I think the king must die. Great! Should I flop over and gargle and pretend to have the plague? No. Thou dost not need to be dead. Thou only needs to be dying.

What art thou getting at? Thou just killed Mordred in a duel. Aye, he was valiant, but I won, so I was valiant-er. But what if, during the fight, thou wert mortally wounded? Yea, but I wasn't. Thou seest, Arthur, thou was. What are you? And how useful, the villagers threw this at us.

What are you doing with that dagger? What are you doing? Don't stuff your fist in my mouth! Tis only so thou will not scream. Thou stabbed me! Nay, Mordred did. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Thou stabbed me! Nay, Mordred did. Now these peasants might take pity on thee and let us out. Might?

Might? This is a hell of a thing to do for something that might work. We have to try something. Oh, this wound. It is a mortal one, is it not? T'was the easiest way to make it look deadly. Oh, thine logic is impeccable. Thou should drink some patience.

Yay, where is thine vial? I lost it. Oh dear God! But thou can always... No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not doing that. Look, I'm blinking. For the sake of... Just lick mine tears. I'm not licking thine tears. Lick mine tears. I'm not licking thine tears.

Lick mine tears. I'm not licking thine tears. Just lick mine tears or thou might actually perish. God damn it! Oh, it tastes so bad. I feel so... Have thou not washed thine face since Romulus' fiery death cloud covered it in ashes? I'm sorry.

Thou art loving this. Now let us tell them thou art dying. Good people! Good people! Ouch! Ay, ay, ay, oh, good people, ye leaky fairy pope. I have an announcement to make. Boy, how that I bleed!

Look as like we got thou good. No, ye did not. No, this cut is from a sword. That's quite it. I thought it would abate by itself, but, alas, ducking for cover behind this table hath reopened the gash. Oh, gosh, I am dizzy. I am mortally wounded.

How did it happen? Meerkat and I... Lerling. Meerling and I... Meerling? No, that can't be right. I don't know what you're talking about. Starling and I came here to celebrate a great victory. Like I told you earlier, we have come from the battle of Soulsbury. There I defeated Mordred in a great victory. Is it very hot in here? I'm freezing. Sorry, the room is spinning. Probably from the blood loss.

Maybe thou should sit down, my liege. I think I should. Fetch the king some water. The water around these parts will kill him, sire. But the ale's safe. More ale, then? Don't mind if I do. I have smashed all the jugs, but I've got a boot to serve it in.

It is almost clean. All right. Now, as the king said, we have just been in battle. The King slayed Mordred, but before he died, Mordred wounded the King with a deadly cut. So we ask for safe passage out of this tavern, so the King can die in peace. Why did you kill poor Mordred?

I heard he was a valiant lad. Aye, very valiant. Oh, well, right now he's been eaten by crows and I'm here, so clearly I was the valiant-tist. Oh no, I must sit down again. The King had trusted Mordred with the rule of Britain while he travelled on a great conquest. But when the King returned,

Mordred had betrayed the King and seized the throne. So thou just slaughtered the fellow? That does not seem that valiant to me. I... I... You could have tried diplomacy. Oh, for... We did! We asked for a peace meeting.

Then why did he die? Well, because during the meeting an adder bit one of the king's knights. The knight was startled and drew his sword, prompting moderate men to draw their swords in response. Before long, throats were slit and limbs cut off. Jesus. Aye, that was exactly what happened. Now ye knowest.

So out of respect for your dying king, will you let us go? Where art thou taking him? To Avalon. Avalon? Where's Avalon? Yeah, why Avalon? Can't he die here? Avalon is... is... is the island where the great Excalibur was forged.

So? So the King wants to be laid to rest there. Should he die? But he may not. Nay, we hope he can be saved and recover from his mortal wounds. What? That's a relief. How? Through means of magic water. Mind, Liege, me thinks thou shouldst shut thine pyre home. What's this magic water? Mine, Liege. Me thinks thou shouldst shut thine pie home.

What's this magic water? It only exists on Avalon, and it must be mixed with the island's miraculous herbs. Thou art herbs in thy garden, doth thou not, Gavin? They all died in the drought. Mervin here stole the last good ones I had. Your herbs are not miraculous ones, nay. The only way the King will survive is if he is cured on Avalon. Avalonis eas insula sacra.

What does that mean? Avalon is a sacred island but the king must be cured by the only person who can command the holy waters and the miraculous herbs. That would be me. So will you let us go? Aye for sure. If moving a few tables and not throwing chucks is all we have to do to save the King, methinks we can manage that. Come on, people, let's clear the way. Thank ye, thank ye, honorable countrymen. Your service to the King shall be remembered.

Now the last favor we need to ask is a boat. Can we borrow one? The tavern is called the Leaky Ferry. I have an old rowboat just 20 yards down the river. I wouldn't trust the Leaky Ferry. Tis leaky. Our thanks. I guess we are all set then. Let us go, my leash. Here. Ahhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhh!

Ahhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhh! Bye now. Bye, Big Jim. Oh, wait, wait! What? Excalibur! Ahhhhhhh!

Ahhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhh! What? I love that sword. Wouldn't leave without it. He freed me for it. Now, let's go. He really did. I'm free!

On me, Mother Zerogron, grave! What? Why are you all staring at me? Sire, thou removeth the sword from the stone again. Oh, did I? Oh, yeah, well, yes. It bleeds more now, Jim. Thine ale, my liege. I clean the boat with my spittle first. Oh, give it to Big Jim. He looks like he might need it more. Give it here first.

Why? I am going to do a spell and imbue the ale with healing powers. Thou canst do that. Aye. I'm going to do a spell and imbue the ale with healing powers. Thou canst do that. Aye. Why could thou not just do that with the king's ale? Aye, he's had enough of it. Because it only works on leg wounds.

Thou art not the most impressive wizard, art thou? Just give me the ale. Abracadabra, hobble-bubble, toil and trouble. Thou art blinking a lot. Is that part of it? I have never seen the healing. Ale, thou highest. Thou hath might for three, and against thirty, It standeth against pain. Strong it is against three, and against thirty, Against the hand of the fiend.

Methinks thine tear landed in the ale. I always get emotional when healing someone. Now give this man this ale and let us go. Rex quondam et futurus. Rex something something. That's me! Oh! Oh, there! Very well! So pleased to meet you all! Lovely people! I think I might need to lick your tears again!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Does thou really think he's king? Everyone's a king nowadays. Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits. The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions. This episode featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlovski, Owen Lindsay as Big Jim, Patrick Lamb as Gavin, Anne Weiner as the barmaid, Anne-Marie Sheridan, Véos Lunaire, Lara Bosquot, Nicolas Segure and Torgny G. Ondiro as villagers, Jordan Cobb as Jackie Williams and Aaron King as

Mia Fox. The episode was written by Einstein Ulsberg Braga with story and audio editing by Philipp Thorn, translations into Old English by Dr. Markus Freudinger, sound design by Eli Hamada McElveen, music by Frederick Barden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen, production assistance by Marty Parzival and casting assistance by Julia C. Thorn. The episode was recorded at Red Peace Studio in Vienna with engineering by Apard Hadnagy and Oliver Ellis and assistance by Paul Kraner. We made an in-depth behind the scenes video about the recording of this episode, which takes you into the studio with us as we record the big crowd scenes and shows you how we worked with Dr. Freudinger to record the opening section in Old English.

This behind-the-scenes film is available now by becoming a patron of the show for the price of a cup of cocoa. By becoming a patron, you directly help compensate the team that works so hard to bring these stories to life, and in return you'll get a bunch of perks. And instead of waiting a month for the next episode, you'll get it tomorrow. Thank you so so much to everyone who's already chipping in. Without you this podcast would disappear and reappear as the menu card at Lidu Magor. A special thank you to our super patrons. That's... Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, Alicia Hall, LG, Heldon Inkheart, Ryan Burnett, Supercalifragilisticexpialix, Nicol, Timotheus, Doc Demos, Ben Carlisle, Miss Nixie, Mystic

Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O'Mara, Christine Bejuga, Stefan Hartinger, Lucille Farrell, Lydia Ames, Anonymous, Bly Varnie, Iris, Jade Pickering, Daniela Nissen, Matthew with two T's, Kelsey Page T is silent, Kelsey Page, Tucker Ekeweiler and Jazz. We love you all. For more info on the show, on how to become a patron, get live show tickets and more, visit AmeliaPodcast.com. How is thine wound? Oh, healing, slowly. Thou finally got thine will. What doth thou mean? The Battle

of Salisbury. It finally got a story. Oh yeah. Merton. Merlin. Damn, I'll never learn that. Merlin, I wonder about one thing. What? How on earth did I pull my sword out? I forgot it was stuck and just pulled it. Being the last person to try hath its advantages. Everyone else had loosened it for thee. So I'm not the true King of England? Nay. Damn.

Also, Arthur. When thou said, I wonder if I can do that again, and ram the sword in betwixt the stones down at the docks, and then could not get it out again, doth thou think thou can learn something from that? Doth thou? I doubt it very much. I'll miss that sword. Get ready for Las Vegas style action at BedMGM, the king of online casinos. Enjoy casino games at your fingertips with the same Vegas strip excitement MGM is famous for. When you play classics like MGM Grand Millions or popular games like Blackjack, Baccarat, and Roulette,

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