The Amelia Project - Episode 88 - Didius Julianus (193 AD)
Episode Date: March 27, 2025The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions. This episode featured Peter Wicks as Didius Julianus, Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Darren Lerigo as Fornio, Juli...a C. Thorne as Alvina, Jordan Cobb as Jackie Williams, Erin King as Mia Fox, and Benjamin Noble and Torgny G. Aanderaa as the lads. The episode was written by David K Barnes with story editing and direction by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, audio editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Alexander Danner, music by Fredrik Baden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival. The episode was recorded at Theme Studio in London. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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Money is the root of all evil. Sorry?
Oh, I was just saying. Money is the root of all evil.
Does that mean I'm not getting paid over time right now?
But Alvina, you never get paid over time.
Anyway, I was just recollecting another story, and the quotation crossed my mind, that's all.
You got it wrong anyway.
The love of money is the root of all evil.
Ah, yes. And believe me, this fellow loved money. By Jove.
What fellow?
The fellow in the story I'm going to tell you. Do keep up, Alvina.
Evil then, was he?
Well, only up to a point, I suppose. Not so much evil as stupid.
I mean, this guy was a positive shower, a consummate chump.
By any metric you'd care to name, he was a dimwit of the highest order.
And you should have heard what Koslovsky said about him.
If he was so stupid, then why did the two of you bother to see him?
Well, I mean, he was the emperor of the Roman Empire, after all.
The Roman Emperor?
Oh, yes. I've met kings, emperors, megalomaniacs all in my time.
Want to hear the details?
Go on then.
I love a sword and sandal epic.
What year was it?
AD 193.
The year of the five emperors.
Five?
Five.
It was nearly six, but the one before was murdered on New
Year's Eve. The cruel Emperor Commodus. Oh from Gladiator. What? You know the film?
No. Walk in Phoenix. What was that about a phoenix? Never mind. So Commodus was
murdered. Strangled in the bath, I hear.
I wasn't there at the time I was getting my hair done.
But Commodus was replaced by a nice old man called Pertinax.
Oh, he was wonderful. So kind. So noble. A man you could really trust.
So what happened to him?
Hacked to death at the end of March.
Of course he was.
Yep. You're beginning to see a pattern, aren't you?
It was clear to anyone with any sense that the role of Roman Emperor was basically cursed.
I know they say you can't please all the people all the time, but this was ridiculous.
You couldn't have paid me to take the job, not for all the grapes and gall.
But I assume the idiot we're talking about was paid to take it.
Oh no, no, no, no, no, quite the opposite.
Huh?
Oh, ah, let me tell you the story of how Koslovsky and I met Marcus Didius Julianus,
the man who bought the Roman Empire.
What?
Quite literally. The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Osten Ul Ulspeck-Braga with music and sound direction by Frederick Barden
and sound design by Alexander Danner.
Episode 88, Didius Julianus, 193 AD,
by David K. Barnes.
In the city of Rome, the people were revolting.
Forgive the pun.
What I mean to say is they were rioting because they
didn't have any money or food or better than average wine. And as if things weren't bad enough,
now they were being invaded. By who, you ask? Themselves! We'll get to that bit later.
The point is the Roman people were in a Roman pickle. And where was the emperor in their hour of need?
He was deep in the bowels of the Imperial Palace,
performing rites of unspeakable magic.
Oh, mighty Jove, God of thunder,
grantor of divine supremacy,
guileful Iannus,
prosperous Plutus! I summon ye gods to aid me now as ruler of your earthly domains! I honor you with this sacrifice, the blood of the ram! It's quite sticky actually.
Anyway...
Yes? I honor you with blood.
Do not listen to those who would blaspheme against me
and by extension you by denying
my imperial right.
Help me now! Smite my enemies! Boil the blood in their veins!
Fuck them up!
I pray you, O gods, render to me your divine protection.
Forsake those who would seek to destroy me.
I beseech you, O gods, I beseech you, I beseech you!
Are you all right?
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
What are you screaming for?
I, I, I, you, you, you, you, you, you, you. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ Are you? What are you doing here? Well, I might ask you the same question, up to your eyeballs and sheep's blood.
I mean, what do you look like, honestly?
How did you get in?
I bolted the doors to the chamber. There's no way you could enter.
Unless...
Go on.
No mortal man could gain access to this room.
So, that would mean...
Keep going.
A divine spirit? Or even...
Nearly there.
A god!
By Jove, he's got it!
Give the man a prize.
That's right, I am a god.
And so is my beautiful assistant.
You're what now?
He means me.
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah! Ah!
Come on, it's just...
Oh, calm down!
Calm down!
Take a deep breath.
Ah!
Oh! Oh!
This is fun.
The gods have sent me...
two of you!
They have indeed.
Old Jupiter told us to get off our clouds and zip down here pronto.
I suppose you must be important.
What?
Don't you know who I am?
Oh dear, the poor fellow has forgotten who he is.
Well, it can happen during times of great stress.
Yes, I thought that was impotence.
Could be that too.
I'm not impotent!
Please, I can develop an ungent for you. It is no trouble.
I tell you, I'm not impotent!
Just ask my wife.
Alright. Where is she?
Well, she isn't here.
How convenient.
Impotent.
Very sad.
Stop it, stop it. The reason my wife isn't here is because she refused to stand by me in my hour of need.
Depending on your situation, that may have been very wise of her.
My situation? Surely you know why I summoned you.
I'm sure I've seen his face before I
know what you mean I just cannot place the name I am the Emperor what you the
Emperor the other one I tell you I'm the Emperor of the Roman Empire.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I am!
Oh, okay, if you say so, old fruit.
Politics was never my strong suit.
He could be the Emperor.
There have been so many lately, it is hard to keep track.
That's exactly why I summoned you.
What do you mean? The people need to
be taught that I am their emperor, no one else. Me. Hang on a tick though, I'm pretty
sure our army in Syria just declared a new emperor. They did. No, no, I heard they declared
a new emperor in Britannia. They did that too.
You are not him?
No.
Or the other one?
No.
Well then I'm officially confused, because if the emperor's in Syria...
Or in Britannia...
Neither of them are the emperor, okay?
They're... they're fakes usurpers.
Usurping you?
Yes.
You can't just have a bunch of soldiers go, Oh, hey everyone, we've decided this guy's the emperor now. It's outrageous. You're saying that our armies in Syria and in Britannia have both independently declared
one of their own as leader of the Roman Empire, with you already right here in Rome doing
the job?
Exactly.
And they will not listen to you?
No, they will not.
And so you've called us all the way to the city of Rome?
Yes, sir.
And you've called us to the city of Rome?
Yes, sir. And you've called us to the city of Rome? Yes, sir. And you've called us to the city of Rome? Yes, sir. With you already right here in Rome doing the job. Exactly!
And they will not listen to you?
No, they will not!
And so you've called us all the way down from the heavens
just to knock a few heads together and make everybody play nice again?
I beseech you not to mock me.
I am a god. I'll do what I like.
Now, Arturius, be nice.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Artorius? That's your name.
Yes. And what's wrong with it?
Doesn't sound very godlike.
Well, you don't look like much of an emperor, but here we are.
Artorius, call it.
Alright, Glovoticus.
You take the lead.
See if I care.
Thank you.
I must apologize for my divine colleague.
He woke up on the wrong side of his cloud this morning.
That is all well and good, but Rome is in the midst of a major crisis and...
I need your help.
You mean the usurpers and their armies?
But they are so far away from here.
It would take them weeks, if not months, to arrive.
You have plenty of time to convene the Senate and raise an army.
We don't have plenty of time.
There is another enemy upon us. By now, they may even have breached the city limits.
But who are they?
The most dangerous foe of all.
The armies of Septimius Severus.
Oh no!
Oh no! I cannot stand an emperor whose spit...
Shhh! And who is Septimus Severus?
Spit along my sandals.
I'm sorry.
He's our governor of Pannonia.
Or at least, he was.
Until his men declared him emperor,
and he marched them here to Rome to take the imperial throne.
Hang on.
I'm sorry.
Do you mean to tell us that three men around the Roman Empire have all been declared Emperor,
and none of them are you? I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I Yes, as the rightful emperor, do you not have an army of your own? They've deserted me.
And the Senate?
Denounced me.
And the people?
They're rioting in the streets.
Ah! So to recap, you have lost the support of the military, the Senate, the people of Rome.
Oh, don't forget the Praetorian Guard.
Oh, the Praetorian Guard?
The men whose specific job it is to protect the Emperor at all times?
They've betrayed me, yes.
Yes? Well, look, I mean...
I hate to judge before all the facts are in, but you are beginning to look...
a tad unpopular.
My divine colleague is quite right.
The odds are entirely against you. A tad unpopular. My divine colleague is quite right.
The odds are entirely against you.
Even your own family has abandoned you to your fate.
Don't you think I know that?
I didn't stick my knife in a sheep for nothing, you know.
I summoned you here because I need a miracle.
But why do you continue to believe that you are the emperor when nobody else will?
What on earth gives you the right to call the empire yours?
Because, dammit, I bought it fair and square. That's why.
You did what?
You bought the entire Roman Empire.
With money? Here bought the entire Roman Empire... with money?
Here's the receipt.
What?
Oh, for goodness sake!
Now, wait a moment, Artorias.
This document appears to be in order.
Oh, no, you're joking.
Look!
To the bearer.
Dominion of the Roman Empire as its one and only emperor.
It looks authentic. Ah, sure, it as its one and only emperor. It looks authentic.
I assure you it's above board and entirely genuine.
No, no, that stamp means nothing.
I mean, come on, if you believe that, then...
Oh, you know what? I've got a pyramid in Giza to sell to you.
Ooh, ah, very well.
Yes, it is very lovely.
How big?
Very big. It's the biggest one.
How many bedrooms?
But how did this happen?
How can somebody just buy an empire?
We haven't got time to go into that now.
I tell you, Severus is on his way to tear me from this palace.
Oh, never you mind about that.
You are under our divine protection.
I promise you that Severus will not lay a finger upon you.
You swear it?
I swear it.
And there is always time for a story. If you
want our help I suggest you tell it. I... very well. Lovely. Now do you have any wine about the
place? I'm parched. All that's traveling from the heavens. Oh, yes, of course. Let me just... Okay, here we are.
I'm afraid we only have half a bottle of Appian red.
Ah, um, well, it'll do, I suppose.
I'd send my slaves out to get something more suitable.
Only...
They have already fled the palace.
Yes, yes, ungrateful wretches.
You give them a job, a roof over their heads, a day off every year.
Oh, and they turn around and demand their human rights.
Exactly! Total disregard for the economy.
How's a man supposed to stock a palace with decent wine?
Oh, people can be so selfish, is that not so, Emperor?
Too right.
Here you are. Thank you, I will not. But I very Too right. Here you are.
Thank you, I will not.
But I very much will.
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Okay, flights on air Canada. How about Prague?
Ooh Paris, those gardens.
Gardens, um Amsterdam. Tulip Festival.
I see your festival and raise you a carnival in Venice.
Or Bermuda has carnaval.
Ooh, colorful.
You want colorful. Thailand. Lantern Festival. Boom.
Book it.
How did we get to Thailand from Prague?
Oh, right. Prague.
Oh, boy. Choose from a? Alright! Prague! Oh boy.
Choose from a world of destinations, if you can.
Air Canada. Nice travels.
Right then.
Tell us the remarkable story of your imperial elevation.
Well, I suppose it began one night in Rome.
I was hosting a party, quite a lavish affair,
lots of people there, friends,
mainly a couple of hundred, probably more.
And we were just finishing a few rounds of dice,
which I was winning, actually.
And everyone was happy and laughing, you know, having a great time.
And then somebody comes in and they say that Emperor Pertinax is dead.
Dead emperors are such mood killers.
For a little while, yes, it was taking the shine off.
You know, everyone was saying, gosh, what do we do now?
Because we're all wealthy, influential people.
Naturally.
And what we say and do matters to Rome, to the world.
So I step forward and I say, we must act.
Oh, very good.
Sexy.
Thank you, thank you.
We must act, I said.
You repeated yourself there?
For emphasis.
Oh, yes.
And that's when we heard that the Praetorian Guard were back at their camp and sort of
wringing their hands, wondering what to do, you see.
Who will be our Emperor?
Oh, it was a desperate situation.
And desperate situations...
Call for desperate men.
I...
Well, no, I wouldn't say that.
No?
Sorry, ignore me.
I was going to say desperate situations call for leadership.
Ah, yes.
Leadership, you see. And, well, I wasn't going to put myself forward because I really am a humble man on the quiet.
But suddenly, one of my friends said,
Hey, Didius, you'd make a good emperor.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Your name is Didius?
Yes. Didius Julianus.
You're called Didius, but you thought my name was uninspiring.
Artorius, let it go.
Fine, fine. Carry on, Didi.
Didius, whatever.
Did he? Didius.
Whatever.
So, this friend says that I'd make a good emperor.
And I brush it off, of course.
Then someone else says, no, seriously, you'd be great.
And I go, thanks, but no thanks.
And then a woman, who was an absolute ten, by the way, she goes, Didius, you simply must do it. You're the man we need.
Uh-huh.
And it turns out that everyone there is thinking it.
They're practically begging me to be emperor, and by this point, it would be wrong not to do it.
I'd be letting my country down. Rome needs me. It's my duty.
And I say, my friends, I have listened. I will be your emperor. And everyone at the
party just stands up and applauds. Right. I need more wine.
But, Emperor, if events
happened, as you say,
then why did you end up having to buy the Empire?
Ah, well.
You see, we all piled
outside, and they carried me
to the Praetorian camp on their shoulders.
But it turned out that the
late Emperor's father-in-law had beaten
me there. He wanted to be Emperor himself, and he was willing to resort to bribery to get it.
Oh, not bribery?
Oh yes, but I wasn't having any of this.
Of course you weren't.
I knew what to do.
Of course you did.
Rome deserved better than having a conniving little shit as an emperor!
So you stepped down immediate?
So I stepped down immediate! No, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait do better. You could do anything better than him. No he can't. Yes he can. And I said,
ten thousand sesterces to every man in the guard, because he'd only been offering seven.
Ten thousand? To every man? That is a very good offer. Ha! Ten thousand! Oh, chicken feed. I say twelve thousand.
Very nice! The bid is now twelve thousand sesterces to every man. Any advance on twelve?
Uh, thirteen thousand!
Thirteen thousand!
Fourteen!
Fourteen!
Fifteen!
Fifteen!
Sixteen, and that's my final offer!
Seventeen!
Eighteen, and that's my final offer!
Nineteen!
Gentlemen, the figure now stands at 19,000
for the supreme example of imperial craftwork.
One Roman Empire, secondhand, but scarcely used.
Alright, chum, let's stop playing kids' games.
Twenty thousand sestaces to every man in the Praetorian Guard.
How many are there by the way?
In the Guard?
Yes.
About 15,000 men.
15,000?
Yes, so at 20,000 ahead you have just bid a total of 300 million sesterces.
Fuck me!
Oh shit, well that's the holiday to Britannia down the drain.
Nah, it rains a lot. You are not missing anything.
Alright, alright.
20,000 sesterces ahead.
Your move, Diddy.
Don't call me Diddy.
Why don't you make me? Gentlemen, the bid is 20,000
cestasies to each member of the Praetorian Guard in exchange for the
titles of Augustus and Princeps and Imperium over the Empire of Rome, the greatest and most powerful in the world.
Going once, going twice...
Ahem!
Ahem!
Twenty-five thousand!
What?
Will you raise your bid?
If he wants it, he can have it.
Bang!
Yes! Bang! Sold for a total outlay of three hundred and seventy five million sesterces!
Didius Julianus, the Roman Empire is yours to command!
All hail the Emperor!
Yes! All hail me!
What a man! What an emperor!
Ahhhh! Woooooo!
The people roar their approval.
The women are crying with joy and the lads are clapping me on the back and they carry me home again.
Crowds surfing me all the way there! I should have seen it!
Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!
Chanting my name, cheering thousands upon thousands of friends.
Oh.
For he's a jolly good fellow.
For he's a jolly good fellow.
Oh look, he's singing now too.
For he's a jolly good fellow!
Wait! What was that?
It sounds like knocking.
Who?
There must be someone at the palace doors.
Emperor, are you expecting anyone?
Emperor, are you alright?
They're... they're here. They've come for me. Are you all right?
They're here. They've come for me. But who is here?
Severus! He's found me!
What? You're in the Imperial Palace. You hardly made it difficult.
Artorias, the man is terrified.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are. I've never seen an emperor's knees knocking before.
Artorius, please do something useful and see who it is.
Me?
What?
Go out there?
Yes.
Not bloody likely.
You will be safe.
It is him they want to tear to pieces, not you.
Tear to pieces?
Well if it's so peachy, then you go out there and see who it is.
Oh fine, do not go anywhere.
Didius?
Y-yes? Any more of that wine?
No.
You've had the lot.
Oh.
Look here, old man.
All that guff about the auction and being carried off on the shoulders of friends.
Yes, it's true.
All true.
Really, though? Yeah, it's true. All true. Really though? It's mostly all true. Mostly. So what happened
next? I imagine you partied all night and then came the hangover? Despite the festivities,
I woke up bright and full of ideas about what I was going to do as Emperor.
Oh really? Like what?
Well, I'd been trying to get my kitchen redecorated for weeks,
but the workmen were dragging their heels on giving me their quote, but...
Like, I was Emperor, so I knew they'd have to get back to me now.
Hmm, about your kitchen?
Yes! I mean, I should have tried another firm,
but apparently I have a reputation for being difficult
and word gets round.
It's all lies.
Right, and having compelled the laborers
to discuss your kitchen with you,
how did you plan to use the Imperium of the Roman Empire?
Well, I thought I'd take the family out to a few places. You know, buy my wife some fancy
new jewelry, try and get my daughter to talk to me again. Oh, oh, oh, oh, and statues.
Yes, some whacking great statues.
Right. Of what?
Me? Obviously.
Oh, yes, obviously.
In the forum.
Right.
In the markets.
Yes.
Outside my old school.
Right.
Erm...
What about the people?
Ooh, the people!
Well, they could look at the statues.
That sounds lovely.
But what were your plans for Rome?
The empire for ruling?
Rome...ruling...
Oh! Oh!
Give me a chance!
It's only been a couple of months.
I'm sorry. a couple of months?
Oh yeah, yeah, soon goes by.
Now let me get this straight.
You've only been Emperor for a couple of months, and you've already brought the Empire to the
brink of destruction and ruin?
Yeah, yeah, two months.
That is a tougher job than it looks.
Oh, the Senate didn't make it any easier either, let me tell you. Yeah, two months. That is a tougher job than it looks.
The Senate didn't make it any easier either, let me tell you.
They totally ballsed up my accession.
I mean, that's quite impressive actually.
Thank you.
Two months.
God, what a nitpick.
Kept saying they'd never had an emperor foisted on them like this before. Which is an absolute lie, by the way,
because we've all been foisted on them to some extent.
Stupid bunch of old windbags.
The Emperors or the Senate?
The Senate!
Of course.
They refused to swear me in at first.
Outrageous!
Told me to go home.
What made them change their mind?
Ah, the Praetorian Guard surrounded the Senate House and drew their swords.
Right, yes, well, that'll do it.
I didn't ask them to. They were only trying to help.
But then the Senate says I was intimidating my way to the top.
Oh, boo hoo. I am a good guy.
All I wanted was to make some friends.
But I thought you had friends.
More friends!
More friends.
In fact, with so many influential friends, Why was the Senate a problem at all?
I mean surely your friends were in the Senate
Vodikis
You're still in one piece. I see. Yes, Artorias. I am fine.
That's a relief.
So, I have just been talking to Severus.
Oh my gods.
You mean he is out there?
Yes, big fellow. Quite handsome.
It seems charming for a man covered in the blood of his enemies.
Never mind about that. What does he want?
It is surely obvious. He wants to be the Emperor.
He wants Didius to give himself up.
I hope you showed him my receipt.
I did. He tore it up. Sorry.
But...
But I paid good money!
That must count for something.
Why?
What?
Why must it count for something? Why should money matter now? Sure,
because everything has a price. Everybody has a price. What would he accept, do you think?
Severus. I mean, he doesn't sound like he's interested in a deal.
You never know, he could be bluffing, you know, playing chicken.
He has 75,000 men. That is quite a bluff.
Oh shit. Well, then if he's so powerful, why doesn't he just come in here and drag me out?
He will if you do not cooperate.
I mean, come on, think about it, did he?
If he simply stormed in here and stuck a sword in you,
he'd be no better than a common murderer.
But if he gives you a chance to surrender and you refuse,
then he'll be justified in doing whatever he likes to you.
Yes, he'll be liberating the people from a tyrant. It is basic public relations
so
What you're saying is
He still needs me
Me if he wants to look good if he needs me to to play ball
to look good. If he needs me to play ball, then he'll damn well do what I tell him. I think you are forgetting the army of 75,000 men.
Ah! Go out there and make him an offer.
What kind of offer?
As Emperor of Rome, I will adopt him as my son and heir.
Adopt him?
That's right. But isn't he older than you?
Shut up! I will adopt him.
That way, he'll be my second in command and he can take over when I retire.
Legitimate!
Maybe I'll give him gall to keep him sweet.
You really ought to think this through.
I have spoken, go!
Outside.
Convey my very good offer, or I'll have your head.
As my emperor commands.
commands. Oh yes, well done Didius, I'll show them, oh I'll show them all. Um, why do you need to show them anything? You said you were popular. What changed all that?
Um...
Now look, I... I may have... exaggerated...
No, but your story was so believable! I mean, I am astonished, really. I...
Don't... don't you dare rub it in.
Did you really throw a party on the night of the Emperor's death? Oh yes, I threw a party.
Did anyone go to it?
No.
Didn't think so.
And the auction? What about that?
Oh, that happened. That really did.
Really? Really?
The crowds and the cheering and all the rest of it?
I...
Well, erm...
The other guy was inside the camp, and I...
was on the outside.
They wouldn't even let me in to bid!
Soldiers standing on the ramparts, sneering down at me.
Oh!
I had to raise my voice so they could hear me bidding.
Just a lonely man yelling numbers over a wall.
But I did win the auction. I earned the right to be the emperor.
The Senate even swore me in. Eventually.
Did they though?
They did? Oh?
And they hated me for it no matter what I did for them. I tell you what my friend I
Threw games I
Funded theater I gave them gifts right I even laughed at their terrible
disgusting jokes That was good of you. I even laughed at their terrible, disgusting jokes. That was good of you.
I tried so hard to make them like me.
Did he? Don't you see why it didn't work? I mean, you can't make people like you. Oh, but yes you can.
I've seen it happen.
No, no, no, no, no.
It doesn't matter how many statues of yourself you put outside your old school.
You can make people appear to like you, but they'll always resent you deep down unless
you're sincere.
I sincerely want them to like me.
But do you like them?
Do you like anyone for that matter?
Oh...
Well, why should I...
...when they don't like me first?
Good lord, Diddy, you are quite impossible, you know that?
And you're no god.
What makes you say that?
When Severus came knocking, you were scared to go out there.
And you were glad your counterpart came back in one piece.
Can gods really be so afraid of men?
Well, I mean...
That depends on what men believe in, doesn't it?
That was quick.
Yes, Severus is a decisive factor.
Well, well, well, what did he say? Does he accept?
He had a counter offer.
Oh. What is it?
Here.
Oh my.
It's a... well, it's a sword.
Correct. Rough edge, no defining features.
Just an ordinary soldier's sword.
It's not much of a gift, really.
It is not a gift.
What am I meant to do with it?
I believe the idea is that you end your life.
But...
Are you sure?
I am. You didn't mishear him. F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f- upon your sword. But this sword isn't mine. It is now. I just gave it to you.
But...
What evil have I done?
Whom have I killed?
What have I...
What have I done to deserve this?
Oh, Diddy old bean, the game's up
and the chips are down.
Time to pack it all in, wouldn't you say?
You're telling me I should kill myself?
What? No, no, no, no, no, no, you misunderstand.
You've no hope in Hades of being the Emperor anymore, but that doesn't mean you have to die for it.
You could begin a new life, far away from here.
Turn things around. Be the better man, the man you always wanted to be.
No, but how? How can you help me? You're not even gods.
You told him.
He guessed. Now, yes, we may not be gods, but I assure you, we do have powers. Clavodicus?
Artorius?
Shall we? Oh, why not?
He still has some of that magic powder somewhere.
What are you going to do?
Sorry.
Oh Jupiter.
Oh Juno.
Oh Tempura.
Oh Moris.
Oh Blimey.
Oh Crikey.
He's a monster.
Oh Tempura.
Oh Moris.
Oh Tempura.
Oh Tempura.
Oh Tempura.
Oh Tempura. Oh Tempura. Oh Tempura. Oh Tempura. Oh Tempura! Oh, Moris! Oh, blimey! Oh, crikey!
Edawards!
Aid us now, so that we may save the life of your servant Didius.
Provide us with the means to deliver him from evil.
Forgive him his faults, which are numerous.
Hey, fuck off!
Don't interrupt!
Oh gods! Help us! Send us a sign!
The gods have heard you, and I obey their call.
Why? Who are you?
My name is Forneo. I'm of humble Roman stock. I'm a gladiator.
He is the key to your new life.
But... how? A gladiator? What, is he going to fight our way out of here or something?
Did you know that would be senseless? So what can he do? to fight our way out of here or something. But sooner or later I will lose a
fight. I will die. And then my family will have nothing.
Oh, well, uh, Boohoo. Very sad story, I dare say, but, uh, what does it have to do with
me?
Forneo, come closer. Step into the light. My lord. But, uh... What does it have to do with... Me?
Forneo, come closer.
Step into the light.
My lord.
Look upon his face, emperor.
Do you notice anything familiar?
No.
He's a handsome devil.
I'll give him that, but, uh...
Otherwise...
You notice nothing?
No. No, I do not.
Why does he matter?
Well, there are a number of answers to that question.
But as far as you're concerned...
I mean, he's the spitting image of you.
Oh, gods, is he?
Yes, look at him.
What? You mean...
I really look like him.
Well, I mean, you look more like the first draft, as it were.
You know, before they've worked out all the problems.
I mean, look at him.
But, you know, broadly speaking, the resemblance is rather striking.
Striking and useful.
Yes, yes, I'm beginning to see.
You and Forneo will swap clothes, and he'll be found here by Severus, dead.
Severus will believe you killed yourself after all and get on with seizing command of the Empire,
while you actually begin a new life elsewhere, unmolested.
Rather neat, don't you think?
Yes.
You have doubts?
More like questions, really.
Well, you can ask them as you both change clothes. Go on.
Hang on, hang on. I'm not getting my kit off in front of you lot.
Oh, please, Diddy. My colleague here is a qualified doctor.
And I could do with a laugh. So, get your kit off. Come on. Quickly now. Quickly.
Fine, fine. I'm doing it
I'm doing it you too for new. Yes, my lord
You said you had some questions about our plan Emperor
What? Oh, oh, yes, I I understand we swap places
But how do I escape the palace without being seen the secret passage, of course?
I mean, how do you think we got in?
The secret passage?
Yes, look, over here.
Look.
Open, still closes.
Open, still closes.
Didn't know about that.
It wouldn't be much of a secret if you did, now would it?
We bought the architect's diagrams
from his great-great-grandson.
One might call it an investment. Yes, you're not the first emperor who's needed saving,
and you certainly won't be the last.
Eh... Who are you, anyway?
Oh, we're very clever men.
That's all you need to know.
Next question?
Well, eh... What about this fella?
I can assure you that Forneo is reliable.
But if he's going to take my place and get discovered by Severus dead on the floor, then...
Well, he's going to have to die, isn't he? So what's in it for him?
Emperor, all I ask is that my family be provided for after I am gone.
To live out the rest of their lives in peace and comfort.
Give them the security that I could not. A noble request, would you not say, Emperor?
Hmm... yes... yes, of course. It shall be granted.
The deeds to my North African estates are yours.
Yes, we already took them from your office on the way here.
What? How?
Secret passage.
Right.
Those estates will do very nicely,
but perhaps we might obtain a more tangible reward in the short term.
A sort of advance payment.
That goblet on your altar would suffice.
This?
It's encrusted with some of the finest jewels in the Empire.
It's worth more than ten men could earn in a lifetime.
Yes, as I said, it would suffice.
I... Very well.
Thank you, Emperor.
There. All changed. Now what?
Right, now let's get a good look at you both.
How'd you like the toga, Forneo?
I've never felt wool of this quality before. It's soft. Right, now let's get a good look at you both. How'd you like the toga, Forneo?
I've never felt wool of this quality before.
It's soft.
And you, Emperor? How is the uniform of a gladiator?
It's a bit bloody revealing, isn't it?
And it's chilly.
Never mind. Fleeing for your life should warm you up.
Indeed. Now, all that's left is to provide the body.
Forneo, you're up.
Yes, my lord.
Uh, perhaps we could have a few words of inspiration from the emperor himself.
Diddy, that's you.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Yes! Uh, yes, I commend your courage.
Good...
Fulvio?
Forneo.
Ah, well, what you do, Forneo, you do for Rome.
In the service of its legitimate emperor, the gods are with you. Thank you, Emperor. The gods are with you.
Thank you, Emperor.
Now, take this sword and die well, brave...
...Fornione.
Emperor, I have but one more request.
Name it, my child.
I cannot die by my own hand.
I will be impious and give the gods displeasure.
Therefore, I ask that you dispatch me.
End my life.
That's a good idea, yes.
Me?
Yes, Emperor.
Do me this honor.
You want me to stab you to death?
A swift, clean kill should be possible.
You have used a sword before?
Commanded armies and so on?
Well, no, sort of left that to others.
I am a politician after all.
I've never used one of these.
Well, there is a first time for everything.
Right! Um... Right.
And you're sure you couldn't do it?
I am a doctor. I only know how to save lives.
What about you?
Me? Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm not the Emperor.
Could I give you my Imperial blessing?
Not today, thank you. No, this is your job. The gods are watching.
Please, Emperor.
Yes, right, okay, um...
Right, here goes.
Close your eyes, Flavio-Fornio.
No...
In the...
In the name...
The name of Rome...
I...
I...
No, sorry, I can't do it. Emperor?
I cannot dispatch you. I refuse.
Emperor! I will dispatch you, I refuse. Emperor?
I will not stab this man.
But this plan is your only chance of escape.
I mean, you must kill him.
Yes, but...
But you cannot do it.
Artorias, I told you we had underestimated him.
Well, I'll be damned.
Really, you have?
Yes, I mean, my colleague here insisted that when push came to shove, your inner nobility
would not allow you to take such an immoral act for so base a reason.
Yes.
You'll realize at last that human life cannot be bought so easily, that there is more to
existence than material things. There is honor, compassion, the need to do what is right for the many, not the few.
Yes, I mean, I had my doubts, but there is hope for you after all, it seems.
Can you kill him for me?
What?
Well, I don't want to get covered in blood, do I?
It makes me sick.
And if we could hurry it up, that would be
great. Thank you.
What are you talking about? You don't like blood? You had your hands deep inside a sheep's
carcass only half an hour ago! Look!
Yes, but that sheep was blessed. It was sanctified. Not like this grubby old gladiator. No offence,
Florvio. Oh, mate.
You're quibbling over the quality of his blood?
I'm an emperor!
I have standards.
Tell you what...
Forneo.
Forneo, forneo, sorry.
Kill yourself.
And there's a couple of extra diamonds in it for your family.
This is just...
Ah, there you go!
Can't say fairer than that, can I?
Yes, Emperor.
Unbelievable.
I guess we should get started.
I will remain with Forneo to help the subterfuge, and Artorius, you take the Emperor up the
back passage.
Yes, I beg your pardon.
Oh, grow up.
There. Out you go. Hurry.
Ah, there we go. You don't have to tell me twice.
And, uh, Clavodicus?
Be careful.
I will try. Go.
Right. Mind your head.
I did say my... Never mind. Just go. Move, move. Come on. I'm moving, I'm try. Go! Right. Mind your head. I did say my... Never mind. Just go. Move, move. Come on.
I'm moving, I'm moving!
For God's sake.
The Emperor really was a coward after all, then.
Yes, for knew he was. I am sorry.
But I am sure it is for the best.
Your death awaits you.
Oh, my feet.
I should never have undertaken this journey in new sandals.
Oh, stop complaining.
We reached the harbor, didn't we? We're miles away from the city.
Yes but it took all night. Look the sun's rising on the water, the seagulls are waking up, people
are going to work. You've heard of work? It's what the rest of us do to pay our taxes. Oh ho, what a
card! Anyway they're not my taxes anymore. Severus is emperor now. I'm a man of the
people once more. And I suppose you want to live like common people? Fuck no! I'm gonna
cash in some securities and live it up in Spain! I'm not mental! Do you think it's
safe to come out from under these cloaks? I mean, I don't see an angry mob waiting to stick your head on a spike.
I believe it's safe.
Oh, what it is to be free. You said you had a boat prepared.
Waiting to give you a heave-ho to Hispania. Take your last look at Rome, boyo.
It's a one-way trip. You won't be coming back.
Oh, yes I will.
Umm...what?
You think I'm just going to run away, keep my head down, and lick my wounds for the rest of my life?
Well, yes. That's exactly what I thought you'd do.
If you're lucky, you might make some actual friends.
Rome hasn't seen the last of me.
Now come on, Didi.
I am not Didi!
I am Marcus Didius Julianus.
An emperor in exile is still an emperor. I have learned my lesson.
A Roman should put his trust not in loyalty or friendship,
but in superior force.
Didius.
They'll rule the day they mocked Didius Julianus. I bought Rome
once and I can do so again. This is only the beginning. I will prepare. I will grow stronger.
When the time is right, I will return and take my proper place as the supreme power
of the Roman world.
Excuse me, sorry, sorry to butt in. You don't know me or anything but um...
What?
It's just my mates and I.
Hello.
We could have sworn we recognised you.
Hey.
I'm nobody really. I said that, yeah. Hey, go over and ask him if it makes sense.
I'm nobody, really.
No, straight up, because you look just like him.
Yeah.
No, no, no, no.
I have to ask.
Are you sure?
Are you not the best damn gladiator that Rome's ever seen?
Yeah!
What?
You're Forneo, ain't ya?
Forneo!
Forneo!
Forneo the gladiator!
We've seen all your fights, haven't we?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, we've just got one.
But actually, everyone, it's Forneo!
What, you...
No!
I don't know!
I know!
I don't know, do I? You're a legend! Oh gosh, am I? You're a legend, you are! You're the... No! No! I told you! I know!
I told you!
I did not!
You're a legend!
Oh gosh, am I?
You're a legend, you are!
You're the king of the...
He's awfully shy in public.
There you are, these sportsmen.
Gather round, get your autographs.
Oh yeah, please!
Oh, that's really nice of you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah you chisel this to my door? Could you put it, scrape it here please?
Hey, bit far from the Coliseum ain't ya?
Oh, never mind, we'll get you there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's do it.
No, no, no, no, what are you doing?
That's right, Ted, put him onto your shoulders, that's the way!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Put me down!
Put me down!
But, audio, they love you!
They're going to crowd-surf you all the way to the Coliseum!
You wouldn't want to miss your next fight, would you?
No!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Farewell, old queen!
Always give the public what they want!
No, no, no, no, no, no! Stop, please, just stop! Put me down, put me down! I can the public what they want! You don't understand! Please just put me down!
No! No! No! No! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio! Claudio Pordio! Oh, Planeo! Oh, Phillipo! I don't know what he's up to! Oh, please, just let me down!
Let me down!
Well, well, well. At last he finally knows what it's like to be popular. Well, making dreams come true is all part of the job, eh?
Artorios Clavodicus, you made it. How did it go? Was it all right?
Why not ask our client for yourself? My lord, I can't thank you enough!
Forneo, I'm so glad to see you safe and well. It was quite a risk.
But worth it. Severus burst in with his soldiers not long after you left.
But having smeared Forneo with leftover sheep's blood,
the charade of producing a dead emperor was simplicity itself.
Oh, wonderful.
Yes, and especially with a doctor on hand to help things along and take the body away without suspicion.
I can't believe it all worked.
You are both incredible.
Oh, yes, I suppose we are pretty divine, aren't we?
I must admit, though, your resemblance to Diddy gave us a good steer.
But I had no idea we could pull it off.
Believe in yourself, Artorius.
The Brotherhood does not let its clients down.
I still don't know how I can repay you for what you've done.
Oh, just lead a happy life.
We took on this job for pleasure.
An opportunity to royally screw over the Emperor is hard to pass up.
Now we have a boat that can take you far away to Hispania, and this jewel-encrusted goblet
should cover the down payment on a new home.
I know a fence out there who will give you an excellent price for it.
Thank you, Lord.
My wife and child, I must tell them the news.
They are already waiting for you on the boat.
Over there, see?
Yeah, yes, I see them. I must go to them. Thank you. Thank you for everything.
You're welcome, and good luck.
Such a nice chap.
It does the hard good, does it not?
Absolutely. And mind you, it would have been nice to have made some money.
We have the deeds of Didius' estates. They must be worth a lot.
Not when Severus repossesses them to pay for his own regime.
Maybe if we are quick, we can sell a house or two.
Maybe. At the very least, the deeds will make nice souvenirs. Might stick them on the office wall.
See? There is always a bright side. Especially when somebody was able to palm the extra jewels
that Diddius threw into the goblet.
You did?
I did.
Oh, you sly old dog, you. Ah, lovely. Oh, I don't suppose they might cover a sumptuous
breakfast, would they?
You know, I think they just might.
Oh good, I'm famished and my feet are killing me from these damned sandals.
Maybe we could buy a new pair of sandals too.
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
The Amelia Project is a production of imploding fictions.
This episode featured Peter Wicks as Didius Julianus, Alan Bergen as the interviewer,
Hemi Jiroham as Kozlowski, Darren Lerigo as Forneo, Julia Seethorn as Alvina, Jordan Cobb
as Jackie Williams, Aaron King as Mia Fox, and Benjamin Noble and Torgni G. Ondiro as
the lads. The episode was written by David K. Barnes, with story editing and direction by Philip
Thorne and Einstein Ulsberg-Braga, audio editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Alexander
Danner, music by Frederick Barden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistants
by Marty Parzival.
The episode was recorded at
Theme Studio in London.
If you'd like to watch a behind the scenes video about the making of this episode and
get all future episodes a month early and ad free, consider joining our Patreon community
for the price of a cup of cocoa. More info at AmeliaPodcast.com. Thank you to all of you who are already patrons.
Without you this show would disappear and reappear as an entomology podcast
focusing on the leaf mimic Katie did. And a shout out to our magnanimous
super patrons. At the time of recording that's Celeste Joes, Heat 312, Albina Sant,
Amelie and Alison, Stephanie Weitenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Vifas Ver Joes, Heat 312, Albina Sant, Amelie and Allison, Stephanie
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Byers, Kourtney Mays, Rensen, Boo, Astra Kim, Olivia Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David
Smith, Alicia Hall, LG, Heldan Inkheart, Ryan Burnett, Superc Smith, Alicia Hall, LG, Helden Inkheart, Ryan
Burnett, Supercully, Fragilistic, XB Alex, Nickel, Timotheus, Doctimus, Ben Carlile,
Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O'Mara, Christine Bayuga, Stefan
Hartinger, Lucille Farrell, Lydia Ames, Anonymous, Blythe Varney, Iris, Jade Pickering, Daniela
Nissen, Matthew, with two Ts, the first
T is Silent, Kelsey Page, Tucker Egeweiler, Silas X, Isabella Arsino and Gee the Blue Sky.
And now the epilogue. Arthur and I had all sorts of epic adventures in ancient Rome, but that was my personal
favorite.
Huh.
I guess Didius Julianus was the Elon Musk of the Roman Empire.
What? You mean he was an incredibly wealthy guy who was mad that he didn't have any friends?
Yeah, so he bought something big to prove how cool he was and then broke it almost immediately.
Pissing everyone off in the process. Oh, there's a lesson there. Empires rise, but they inevitably fall.
Didius Julianus is a footnot in the history books.
Herodian Dio, the Historia Augusta.
Wikipedia.
Indeed.
I doubt anybody has ever previously spoken of him for as long as I have tonight, and
if he is remembered at all, it is as an example of hubris and failure.
What about Forneo?
Yeah, what happened to him?
He safely reached Hispania with his family, sold the goblet, and settled down.
I heard this from the fence I knew out there.
But whereas Didius Julianus earned a very small place
in the history books, on Forneo, they are entirely silent.
He was a good but ordinary man,
and ordinary men are not immortal.
Still, who wants to live forever, eh? That's a geometric waveform or arc that rises and falls.
And a new Canadian TTRPG and podcast inspired by that almost soothing mathematical motion.
Let me show you.
The action begins to rise as powerful strangers in a ruined yet vibrant world band together.
If you run north, they will chase you.
I suggest you stand behind me.
Hardner, I'd rather stand beside you if you're willing to help.
Tension continues to mount higher as our characters must push themselves beyond their usual limits.
As I'm climbing into the driver's seat, I'm gonna say to Sarah, sometimes you gotta make
tough decisions.
I'm driving now. And it peaks as a danger and excitement hits Zenith
leading to great failure or success. Fenrir would be just fire at this point.
She straight up might die like this encounter might murder you. You know what? You lit me on fire!
We're gonna be on fire baby! And this tension relaxes. A tragedy, but more often humor, that comes with great
pals being around a virtual table playing a game. Discover Sine on your favorite
podcast player. S-I-N-E. Choices of the characters are theirs to make, but the
fate of the world is up to the dice.