The Amelia Project - Episode 93 - Romulus (716 BC)

Episode Date: September 25, 2025

"Itthobaal, I beg you! Release me from these bandages!" The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions. This episode features Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Paul Waggot as Romulus, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina and Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski. It was written and directed by Oystein Ulsberg Brager and Philip Thorne, with dialogue editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Paul Kraner, music by Fredrik Baaden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival. The episode was recorded at The Sound Company Studio in London and RedP Studio in Vienna. It is dedicated to Christine Bayuga! Website: https://ameliapodcast.com/  Transcripts: https://ameliapodcast.com/season-5  Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Merch: https://ameliapodcast.dashery.com/  Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/theameliaproject.bsky.social Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast X: https://twitter.com/amelia_podcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is dedicated to Christine Bayyuga, who will be pecked to death by angry pigeons after generously attempting to share a bread roll with them. Christine will return as a small town crypted, appearing when the fog does. A reminder that this show only exists thanks to the generosity of our Patreon supporters. So thank you, Christine, and thank you to all our patrons. If you'd also like to chip in with $5 per month or any amount you think is reasonable, we'd be really grateful.

Just go to ameliapodcast.com for more info. But for now, enjoy the episode. Blasted bandages. Ittle Ball! How long has it been? I'm starting to regret this, Itopol. Ittleball? Can I trust you?

I can trust you, can't I? Oh, my dumb tacks, beer, I'm thirsty. I need water and air. I need to breathe. Oh, also, I have an itch on my itch on my nose. What have you done to my nose? Oh, whatever you've done, it's itchy. Oh, I want to scratch it, but I can't.

Oh, Ittlebar, I beg you, release me from these bandages so I can drink water. Breathe and scratch my nose. Oh, I can't find the end of these bandages. Oh, I can't get it off. Oh, Boval be praised. Ito Paul, oh, finally. Take pity on me.

Itobal? Oh. Itobal, why don't you just come in... Oh! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! What? What? Who?

I have crossed moors, marshes, mountains, oceans, and now I am here. Oh mighty sorcerer, reveal yourself to me! Who's there? What is going on? He who bends nature to his will? What? Death?

Reveal yourself and let us talk. God to God. Hello? Over here. Can you help me? My Jupiter, am I too late? Have I traveled all this way for nothing? What?

Fuck. Hello? Over here? Over here! What was that? Over here! Did I hear something? Over here!

Oh, good note! Right here! Oh, mighty sorcerer! Now I understand! You are wearing a cloak of invisibility! What? What is wrong with this man? Okay, reveal yourself, oh, sorcerer! Reveal yourself to me! I order it.

I don't know who are you. Oh, what have we here? Ah, mummy! Help me! What's wrong? What is it? It is alive! What's alive? You?

Me? Of course I'm alive! Oh, so it is true! The sorcerer can revive the dead! Can what? Well, the sorcerer brought your rotten corpse back to life. Did you just call me a rotten court? Oh, Jupiter be praised.

He really can bestow the gift of life. Oh, no, no, no. If it's it of all you're talking about, the last thing I remember him doing is taking a bloody knife to my face. To kill you? Yes, to kill. No, no, no, no, not to kill me.

Ah, to torture you then. Yes, well, that's what it felt like. So, you are the sorcerer's prisoner. No, no, no, no, I am his... What am I? I suppose I am his companion? His companion? Yes, yes, I suppose his companion, yes.

Then what are you doing all bandaged up in the sorcerer's cave? What on earth were you doing bandaged up in Kozlovsky's cave? That's not part of this story. What do you mean? You're literally telling it to me right now No, I'm telling you about the client Who smashed the door down How I met Itobal is the next story

The next story is about how you and Kozlovsky I mean Itobal met After this one, yes Well, before this one You know what I mean Can we just cut to that story? I'm dying to know about that You don't want to hear this one first

Well, it's just It's the story of my very first interview. By the way, you've started doing The Voices again. The Voices? I thought we'd agreed you'll stick to your normal voice. Normal voice. Wait, did you just say this is the story of your first interview? Yes.

As in the very first time you interviewed a client? Yes. Although he wasn't strictly a client. Not really. It was... Well, it was kind of an accident. Then I want to hear this story. Good.

And I can keep doing the voice? Sure. Good. And after this, you'll tell me about how you and Itabal met? It's a deal. The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Oosten-Ulsberg-Brga, with music and sound direction by Frederick Barden and sound design by Paul Krana. Episode 92 Romulus

716 BC Okay, well come here, come on let's get those bandages off Here we go Here we are, look upon your saviour And thank me for your freedom Damn it, I'm the greatest benefactor that ever lived

That's better Oh, air I can breathe And I can scratch my nose. You're welcome. Thank you. Oh, dovetak be praised. I have been wanting to scratch my nose for so long.

Speaking of which... Yes. My nose. What about it? Well, what do you think? Of your nose? Yes, does it look okay? Sir, you're asking me what I think of your nose?

Well, I would look in a mirror and see for myself, but I don't seem to see one here anywhere, so... What do you think? Um... It is forgettable. It's forgettable? Yes. My nose is forgettable.

Absolutely. Oh. Unlike, uh... Unlike my nose, which is, uh... Well, you know, my nose is... Yes? Describe my nose, peasant. Oh, um...

Um, it, it looks, um, it looks as though it is chiseled from the finest blue stone. It does? Yes. And, uh, what about, what about my jawline? Your jawline? Yes, yes, I order you to describe my jawline. Oh, um, uh, sharper than a serpent's fangs and, and fiercer than a pack of wolves. Oh, wolves, eh?

I like you, peasant. Oh, good. My eyes. Your eyes are clearer than spring water and brighter than fire. Oh, ho! Bravo! Bravo! That is exactly right, yeah. You haven't even mentioned my mouth.

I haven't, no. So? Oh, um, well, your, your, your mouth, uh, your, your, your, your mouth, um, your particular mouth is, um, look at these teeth, huh? Oh, have you seen teeth like these? So pearly white, so big and impressive and, and, and chompy, huh? Uh, I, I, I, I, yeah, they're, they're, they're, very good teeth. Yes. Yep, that's it. Yeah. I have the best face ever. Ah!

Yes. Ha! Ha! Oh. Ha! And a very fine uniform to go along with it. The tunic has a most unusual pattern. Pattern.

Oh, yeah. No. Yeah, that's blood. Oh, but of course it is. Yes. The redness should have given it away. Yeah. Though you are somewhat underdressed for the weather. You are not from these parts, are you?

I have travelled from afar. I am here to see the sorcerer. Ooh, this... Wait. Do you mean Itobal? Oh, but he's out gathering mushrooms. And he's taking his time, I dare say. You are the sorcerer's servant?

Um... Companion. Bow to me, servant. I said I was his companion. Have you no respect for a general? A general? Yes! Now bow! No.

No? No. You may have a nice blood-spattered tunic and a very shiny sword. Which I will use. But this is not your jurisdiction. Jurisdiction? Yes. Sorry.

Sorry. No, the world is my jurisdiction. Well, then it's the world minus this cave. Yes, you see, this. cave belongs to Itopol, and he does not allow footwear inside, nor swords. So please, if you would be so kind, to leave your sandals and your sword outside. Okay, okay, okay. You cannot command me.

I am just explaining the rules. Do you know who I am? You could be the founder of Rome for all I care. Rules are rules and there are no sandals because it brings the mud inside the cave. I am. You are what? The founder of Rome. You are no.

You... Oh, my. You are the founder of Rome? Yes. The greatest city on earth, the strongest citadel. The most powerful army the world has ever known. All that is your work? Aye. All me.

Well, that explains the brush on your head. You see, I thought maybe it was functional to wipe cobwebs off ceilings because you brushed that one off, which you came in. But regalia makes much more sense, yes. And, I mean, in a normal room, you would be too short to reach the ceiling anyway, so... So too short. My first hypothesis... Excuse me, are you mocking me?

What? No, no, no, no, no. I'm just saying that you are not a giant. Etobal has to crouch you right down. to be in this cave. Right. Well, I'm not wasting any more time with you. Take me to your master.

Well, as I said, he's out mushroom picking, and he's not my master. He knifed your face. Yes. He covered you in bandages and left you here. Yes, he did. That makes him your master. I am certainly in his debt, that is true, but...

Sorry, no, no, you are in my debt. What? I saved you, remember? You... Oh! Yes. Yes, you did, and I'm very grateful that you unwrapped me and let me scratch my nose. Yeah.

It was very itchy. I should think so, yeah. Well, oh, oh no. When the sorcerer returns, he will be furious. Maybe I should tie you back up. No. Or kill you. What?

No, you shouldn't kill me. Kill you, yes, that's a good idea. No, killing me is a terrible idea. Then when the sorcerer returns, I will offer him your severed head. That will make him happy and make him respect me. Oh, God. But out of the fire and into the frying pan, I mean, no, it will not. In fact, it will make him very, very unhappy.

Silence now. Oh, no, no, stop, stop, stop. No, sword's in the cave, remember? But how will I chop off your head without a sword? You wouldn't? Right, no, I could strangle you, yeah, honest, hand-to-hand combat. Listen, Romulus, if the sorcerer finds you have killed me, oh, he will be, oh, he will be, he will be,

Oh, rubbish, you're his prisoner. No, no, no, no. No, no, don't give me any of this companion bullshit, okay? He left you here to die. If I hadn't found you... No, I... It was a... It was a...

No, no, you see, I was stuck in the... With the flames and the people, they were all... I didn't even know that he was going to be there, and he... He offered me... No... It was a friendly dispute, okay? Ah, a friendly dispute that resulted in a bandaged up You expect me to buy that.

Yes. There was consent on both sides. And you know what it's like. You know, you have brothers, maybe? I do have a brother, yes. Good, yes. And, you know, perhaps you squabble from time to time? All the time.

All the time. Great, yes, and fight. Yes, yeah, yeah. Yes, and you know, to somebody on the outside, it might look incredibly brutal. Yes, yeah, probably, yeah. But it's all just fun and games. really, you know, nobody gets hearts.

Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yes. Well, you know, I mean I did end up killing Remus, but... You, what? Well, I didn't have a choice. You didn't? No, he kept jumping over the walls. What walls?

Really big, solid walls. They erecting those walls was an important moment, demarcating the city, symbolic, but the little prick keeps jumping over them to show how inadequate they are there. I can't have that. Quite. Yeah, I can't look weak.

So, so, so, so, so, so, so you, you killed him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, so, so, so, so, so the brother thing was a bad example, but... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, are you saying that you and the sorcerer are brothers? No, I, um... Yes. Yes, that, that is exactly what I'm saying.

We are brothers. Well, damn it, peasant, I will let you live. You will? Yes, I will not disrespect your brother. Oh. I will leave the killing to him. Yes, right. Good idea. And, uh, how long will he be?

I have no idea. Hmm. But it might be a while, so... So, we better find a way to pass the time. Fresh start? Hmm. Please, um, have a seat. Oh, but, but, uh, sword and sandals first.

Outside. Please. No, I, I will place my sword and my sandals inside the door where I can see them, okay? That seems a fair compromise. Though you broke the door, so you can easily see them outside. Inside. Okay, dokey.

So you're a state leader? Yes, yeah. Yeah, emperor, yeah. Emperor? Oh, that's impressive. And that's not all. No? I'm a god, actually. A god?

Yeah, I am the son of Mars. The Roman god of war? Aye, aye. And you're his son? Yeah, first born. Impressive? Yeah, yeah. Remus and I were twins, but, yeah, I came first, sir.

Oh, so is your mother a god too then. No, no. No? Ah, mixed heritage. She was a... Wolf. Right. Oh, um...

Wolf? Yeah, yeah. Interesting. Do you still have any contact with that side of the family? Well, uh... No, no. No? No.

You don't go see them at the holidays, roam the forest for a bit, tear up a deer together, howl at the moon? No, I know, I have a country to run. I don't really take holidays. Quite. Yeah.

Yes, yes, of course. Full-time job. Yes, yeah. So, so you don't even see your family for religious festivals or anything? Um, I don't think. I don't think wolves have got religion, to be honest. Really?

Yeah. Huh. I see. Do you still speak, wolf? Sorry, listen, is the sorcerer going to be back soon? Oh, I'm sure, but... Would you like some dandelion water? Dandelion water?

Yes, it's delicious. A druid taught me how to make it. If you've never had it before, you really should jump the... really should jump at the opportunity. God, no, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. Thank you.

No, I'm good. I mean, the druids really do know what they're doing. Are you sure you won't have to... Okay, well, twist my arm way, don't you? I'll have a little bit, yeah, go on. Oh, you mean, yes, okay. Thought you actually wanted me to twist your arm. I wouldn't if I were you.

No, I, no, that's... Don't dream of it. There we are. Dandelion water. Thank you. It's, uh, definitely, you can smell the dandelions. Yes, yes, they were freshly picked this morning. Oh, my. Oh, oh, series has blessed this drink. Oh, that is nice. Oh, wow. I know it is so, oh my. What?

Nothing. Nothing. I just caught sight of my reflection in the water. I look so, so mature. You look like a peasant. Quite. Quite. Oh, lovely. Oh, yes.

I've never met a god before. Well, first time for everything, sir. Yes, yes. Indeed, there is. So, um, what brings you here? I will discuss that with the sorcerer. Of course, of course. How did you hear of the sorcerer?

Rumors travel faster than the wind. Ah, yes, yes. All the way to Rome? Ah, all rumors lead to Rome. I was told about the sorcerer by an emissary from the Cushite Empire? The Cushite Empire? Yeah.

Well, I mean, I know he has travelled far and wide, but clearly his name must have travelled everywhere. Hmm. So, how are things going in Rome? All good, everything... Hunky-dory? Uh, yeah, yeah, good, hunky and dory. Yeah, yeah, it's good.

Good, you know. Yeah, yeah, Roe. is the model empire, really. Strong leadership, you know, provided by yours truly. That makes for a stable state. Lots of, lots of stability and, you know, strength, military strength, makes people feel safe, you know, and a solid economic situation.

Nobody's got anything to complain about. So, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I'll be remembered forever as the greatest leader there ever was and ever will be. So, yeah, that's saying something. Oh, and there's lots of buildings, really big, buildings they look amazing huge buildings yeah well that sounds great yeah well you know you should uh you should come see it one day i was planning to cool cool cool cool cool do you want a blanket do you do you no i'm fine thank you ah cool cool cool

Maybe you could show me around. I'm sure you're busy, but... Yeah, I might not be around. No? Ah, of course, yes. Off on a conquest. Yeah, something like that, yeah. What are you planning to conquer?

The world. Yes, yes, ah, nothing less. Yeah, that was the plan. You'll be a Roman soon. Everyone will be Roman. Oh. Yeah, yeah, all Romans. Can't wait.

Great, will we get big, buildings too. Yeah, yeah. Big buildings. Aqueducts. We're pretty good at that, you know, water and so on. Yeah. Aqueducts.

Yeah. Brilliant. You've really made a difference over there, haven't you, founding Rome? Yeah. Yeah, everyone loves me. Everyone. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, absolutely everyone, yeah.

Every single soul for every day, every minute, every second of the last 36 years since the very moment I've It's the very moment I found in Rome, I have been the most loved figure in the world. So... Well, I mean... Yeah, just... it's all love all the time. Romulus? Yeah. Does absolutely everybody love you?

They're going to kill me. Who? My senators. What? They're plotting to murder me. Pluto have mercy. The whole lot of them, they're all in on it. What, but that's a change of thought?

Why? Why? Because I... No, no, no, because they are a bunch of backstabbing, power-hungry, greedy bastards, and because they think... Right, and maybe, every so often, they think I've been a little bit of a tyrant. Ah. And, and... and... why would they say something like that? Well, I don't know.

I've been perfect since... Like, forever. Yeah? So, yeah. I mean, the only reason I can think of is maybe... Go on. And just a thought. Maybe it's because when I gather the Senate,

I don't... Yes? I don't really let them decide anything. I just tell them what I've already decided. But, you know, come on. It's me. They're really good decisions. Yeah?

And you don't see how, for a Senate, that might make them a tiny bit angry? Oh, yeah, well, I do now. And how do you know that your senators are planning to kill you? Well, one of my servants overheard them plotting. The whole Senate is in on it. They've decided where and when and how. Really?

Yeah. So, so what's their plan? It will happen at the feast of None Capritone. That is before the next full moon. Do all my senators flock around me? At first, I am meant to think it is a celebration and they are to lift me with jubilation to the skies. But then, then they get knives out from under their tunics and they stab and stab and stab and stab me over and over and over. Oh, my.

But no one can see what is happening because they are crowded so close around me. No one can witness the actual murder so all the senators go free. What that? Cowardly and clever. But that is not all. No? No, it gets more gruesome. some yet.

Do tell? After stabbing me to death. Yes? They will cut me up. They won't. Cleave my bones, pull me asunder, then each hide a part of me under their robes to dispose of me in secret. They will even bring cloth to soak up my blood when they disperse after the murder.

They can all feign shock, as if I have seemingly disappeared into thin air, never to be seen again. I won't even get a grave. The sorcerer, he has to help me. He has to help me. I don't want to die. Thanks for supporting the Fable and Folly Network. Here's another show we know you'll love. Hi, I'm Jonathan Pezza, creator of the multi-award-winning immersive fiction podcast, Curious Matter Anthology.

And we are launching the Kickstarter campaign for our brand-new season and our very first tabletop RPG. I'm Tiffany Smith. We are so excited to share a sneak peek at what we have planned for Karnacki, Blood, and Ether. Our deepest dive into supernatural horror yet that will transport audiences and players alike into an age of superstition, ghosts, and de-news. This new season, in addition to the podcast, we are inviting you to join the story with the Blood and Ether Supernatural Horror Roleplaying System. It's me, Amy Vorpal.

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and roller coaster twists and turns that'll promise to get you and your friends on the edge of your seats the whole time you're playing. Last season, we had one of the most exciting cast in audio fiction, and this season will be no different because yet again, we have an unbelievable. unbelievable list of performers that we will be announcing throughout the Kickstarter campaign.

For exclusive rewards, early access, and even a chance to play with the cast, back us on Kickstarter today by heading to cmanthology.com slash Kickstarter. That's cmanthology.com slash Kickstarter. Help us make season four Karnacki, Blood, and Ether a reality. Join the adventure, back the campaign, and let's get curious together. See you in the nightland. Oh, hey, friends, it's me, your dungeon master, Russ Moore. You don't know me, but I'm going to introduce you to Dungeons and Dragons,

where I play D&D with my friends, and they're going to become your friends, because you're going to love us so much. I mean, maybe you won't love us, but we'll love you. This year, we kicked off a new campaign, which is the perfect place for a new listener like you to start. Let me give you a taste of the show in 42 seconds. Let's go. Must have a flask. He's got a satchel. That's the most disappointed way I've ever heard anyone say the word satchel.

How much is a donkey cost? Russ, how much is a donkey cost? The question everyone wants to know. It's abjuration, you doink. It's concentration. That sounds like exactly the sort of person you should probably tell your friends about. The kind that are there and say like weird, mysterious things and then just disappear. Yeah, that's why I'm telling you.

Also, he had three eyes. Oh! Find out why Dumbgeons and Dragons has been downloaded more than a million times. Start listening to our second campaign with Season 3 today. Find Dumbgeons and Dragons on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or anywhere you listen to podcasts. We hope to see you over there. And how do you think the sorcerer can help you exactly? I mean, isn't that obvious?

Well, no. I mean, but you want his protection? I mean, he's... I want him to bestow me with his gift. What gift are we talking about? Life. I don't understand. The sorcerer has bottled life.

That is what the emissary from the Kushite Empire told me. Bottled life? Yes! Yes! Life in a bottle? Yes! And you believed that? Yeah, I... Well, the cushy...

The emissary... I thought... Hello, here you go. Here's a bottle. Oh, it contains life. It was worth a shot, okay? I thought... I thought I thought I'd do what all the fuss was about. You'll live. So it doesn't exist. Oh, I'm sorry Romulus, but no.

I mean... life in a bottle. Life cannot be bottled, and death cannot be beaten. Well, that's that, then. I've got to get going. Sorry, I have a country to run, peasant, so... Yes, of course. Thank you, I did. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Romulus... Yes. You can't beat death.

Yes, so you said. But you can escape it. What? I just had an idea. You. You had a night. You're the servant. Would you like to hear my idea or not? Uh, no. Thank you.

Well, good luck with the stabby, stabby, choppy, then. Goodbye. Goodbye, yeah. May Pluto bless your house with, uh, wealth or whatever it is, you peasants want. I hope he does. Did you forget how to put you? your sandals on? No. No. Just, um...

Stretching. Yeah. Okay, fine, tell me this idea. Oh, good. Now, remember when we talked about your face? Yes, my nose chiseled from the finest blue stone, my jawline. Yes, yes, yes, yes. All wonderful.

Yes, yes, yes. But what if I told you? You could have a nose as petite. as a pebble and a jawline as soft as a bed of straw. Why would I want that? What good's a soft jaw and a pebble knows when I've got soldiers to intimidate? Senators to intimidate. Enemies to intimidate.

Ladies to intimidate. Right. Friends to intimidate. Really? Family to intimidate, right? That's a lot of intimidating. Yeah, I'm an intimidating guy. But don't you get tired of it?

Of what? Of intimidating. Of clinging to power. Oh, God's yes. Ah! No. No. No. Romulus, you are the founder of Rome. Isn't that enough of an achievement for one lifetime?

Isn't it time for... for a holiday? Okay. Look here, servant, I don't expect you to understand, but in this line of work, the moment you slack, you get stabbed in the back, right? Yes, literally. Which is why your only route out is with a new face. Oh, by the ears of series, what are you talking about? Taitobal is a master of changing faces. I speak from experience. This is not my nose.

That is, that is ridiculous. Oh, oh, I see, I see. More ridiculous than bottled life. Oh, are you suggesting I flee? No, listen, hear me out. You said earlier that you will be remembered as the greatest leader ever, right? Yeah, yeah. Obviously, I founded Rome.

Obviously, and it seems very important to you how people perceive you, yes? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm very humble. Romulus, okay, I mean, maybe a little, right? I mean, a guy like me, a god like me, should get some respect and, you know, maybe be remembered, but... Yes, yes, but at some point there will be a successor. And how do you think your successor will talk about you? The new emperor of Rome will not want you remembered as the greatest leader ever. He will want to be seen as the greatest leader ever,

and more significantly, as a better leader than you. Oh, shit, you're right. The people will hate me. He'll tell the people to hate me. Yes, you will be remembered as a tyrant, but more significantly, as a man. I'm not a man. I'm a god. Well, I know that. Of course, you are half god, half lupine.

Well, yeah, yeah, a god. A god, yes. So if you want to be remembered as a god, you need the death of a god. The death of a god. Yes, you can't just slip away and disappear into the night. No, no. You must affirm your place in history.

You need to control your story. And, uh, how do I, how do I, how do I, how do I do that? Yes, that's, that's the question. How do you do that? The senators plan to murder you at the feast of Nona Caprotene, you said. Yes, yeah. Now, at the Nona Caproteen, I happen to know that there will be a solar eclipse. What? It's when the moon blocks out the sun and for a few moments,

all will be plunged into, darkness. How do you know that? Never mind, but it's a very rare event. Yes, how did you know that? Seems a bit unlikely. Oh, you were bluffing. No, no, perfectly true. You can't just pull something like that out of thin air. The movements of the sun were something of a speciality of mine. Really? We'll get to that. It's part of the next story. Of course. about to tell you how we staged Romulus's disappearance, a disappearance for the history books. I... I don't think I actually know how Romulus died.

What? Oh, I'm disappointed in you, Alvina. You haven't been reading your history books. That's what I have you for, isn't it? Indeed. Well, back to the story. We will use the solar eclipse. Ah, do you ever survey your troops? Ah, yes, yeah.

Good. Purifications? Purifications? That's what you call inspecting your troops. Oh, no, no, no, no, I don't just inspect them. If I see something I don't like, I know, step, steps of stab, step. Right, yes, no, never mind, never mind. I get the idea, I get the idea.

Now, could you arrange for one of these purification? before the meeting with the Senate. Sure. Great. Yes. Now, we will time this to happen at the exact moment of the eclipse. Yes, you'll need to be wearing armor

that shines so brightly in the sun that it hurts the eyes to look upon. You have to look more distinguished and noble than you have ever done before in your life. Well, I think this uniform's pretty good. It's seen me through many a battle. Yes, yes, yes. and that is the problem.

I mean, it's full of blood stains. Yeah, they're marks of a brave soldier. Ah, ah, ah, ah. But you're not a soldier? No, but they make me look strong in front of the lads. But you are not just a strong man in front of some lads. Romulus, you are a god. Oh.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yes, as you are inspecting the troops, Looking better than anyone has ever looked before and will ever look again. Oh, I do like the sound of that. There will be a sudden, complete darkness. Now, in the darkness, no one will be able to see anything. Everyone will be confused. They'll all be looking up, wondering what has happened to the sky.

So at this very moment, we can make you disappear by, by, by, By what, by what, by what? Think, think, think, crickety-crick. What's the trick? Who came first, egg or chick? I have it. Yes. I have it.

You will disappear in a cloud of fire. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Fire, like fire. Like burning fire. Burning hot fire. What will people think when they see a cloud of fire? Um, they'll think, uh, they, they will think, they will think that, um, that there, there's a fire. They will think.

We will make them think that Mars has returned to earth in his chariot to take his son to heaven. Oh. To be deified as, as the war god. Quiriness! Maybe Etobal could even dress up as your dad. Quiddiness What? Oh, oh yes, yes.

You need a god name. I mean, Romulus is fine for an emperor, of course. Wonderful name for an emperor, but for a god, it's a bit... But quiriness, that sounds good. Doesn't that sound good? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, yeah. Yeah, quittinus, yeah. And right before you vanish in the fire,

you, you... Well, you... You'll need to say something to your men. Right. Of course. What will I say? What will you say? You'll say, you'll say, it was the will of the gods to be here among men for a time.

And after founding a city that is to become the strongest and most glorious in the world, to go back to heaven, from whence we have come. Now, go and tell the Romans that through temperance and spiritual strength, they will reach the highest summit of human greatness. And I, the God, queerness, will always be benevolent towards them. Wow, wow, tingles, absolute, just wow. Right? Yes, me too. It's like goosebumps all over my day.

This is fun, huh? Do you like it? Oh, I do. I really do, yeah. And then Itobal will change your face. And give me a soft jaw. Yes, as soft as either down. Oh, and you'll need to think about what you will do in your new life. Oh, uh, well, I, um, I might settle down in the Carpathians, be a shepherd, maybe, a soft-jawed shepherd. Wonderful. Great choice. That's, that's very different to being a sharp-jawed state leader. Nobody will suspect a thing.

Why, why the Carpathians? Why sheep? Well, you know who's drawn to sheep? Shepherds? No, I... One day I'd quite like to maybe hopefully see a wolf. Ah, of course. Well, um... Listen, I should probably get going.

Uh, have some troops, you know, waiting for me on the other side of the old forest. Yes, yes, yes. What was your pretense for bringing them here? A bit of conquering? No, they think I'm meeting a lady, so... Oh, you really are a wolf. Yes, that's... that's what they say. It has been a pleasure meeting you, Romulus.

I have had so much fun coming up with this plan. Attention! Oh, yes. Hail general, Ronald. Romulus. You know, when the men greet me like that, they kind of sound like sheep. Yes. One last thing.

Yes, yeah. What's your mother really a wolf? No, she was a prostitute. I see. They're called Loubet. Own your story. Well, yes. Yeah, I should.

Safe travels, Romulus. Hmm. You mean queerness? Right? Ah! I do. I do. I do. I love that name. Ah, I'm gonna be a shepherd.

Yes. Now, Earth stars, Earth balls, puffballs, jelly eels, skylight elf caps, what else? Ah! Stink horns, shaggy shades. What happened to the door? Oh, um, get some good mushrooms. What happened to the... Maine! Itoba!

You remove the bandages. Oh, uh, what do you think? A charming smile. An inquisitive eye. Mm-hmm. Dignified hairline. Oh. Uh, slightly quirky nose.

Uh, quirky. Yes? Hmm. Um, you wouldn't say it's, um, forgettable? What makes you say that? Oh, um, nothing? It is a face that may be deemed forgettable if looked at in passing. but if examined closely, it is full of the most remarkable detail.

Oh. Yes. Given your predicament, I thought it better that way. You're right, of course, yes. But, Maine, what did you do to the door? Oh, um, unfortunate accident. Do you happen to own a mirror? Of course.

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Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, hello there. So you approve. I like it. Oh, I like it very much.

Nah. I look older. Ah, yes. Well, I wanted to give you an air of confidence. Self-assurance. No, no, no, no. It's good. I like it.

looking so mature. Now I just have to live up to it. I am sure you can manage that. Have you thought of a new name? You can no longer be Maine-Mopert Arthur's son of Athromail? What? But it's such a beautiful name. You do not think it is a bit... What? A bit what? A bit long.

I am very attached to it. How about? Just Arthur, then. Arthur. I like it. Good. Will you stay with me for one more night before we part ways? We can dine on mushrooms.

I would like that very much. And then tomorrow, when the sun rises, you can set off to discover a new world with a new face. It feels strange. What will I do? Where will I go? You are a young man. You have an adventurous spirit. I am confident you will find your path.

Can I tell you something? Of course. I just claimed you were my brother. What? I know. Wait, to whom did you claim I was your brother? Oh, someone came to see you while you were out. Someone? Who?

A man. God. Wolf? Arthur, is this one of your stories? I would love to hear it. Maybe you can tell it to me. to me while we washed the mushrooms. No, no, this actually happened.

Are you sure, Maine? You mean Arthur? Arthur, yes. Someone came here. Well, how do you think I would have got the bandages off without your help? They were very tight. Someone was here in the cave? Yes.

I do not know how I feel about this. There are many rare instruments and ointments here. I didn't let him touch anything. And I told him to leave his sword and sandals by the door. So that explains the door, sword and sandals. Yes. A Roman. Yes, but not just any Roman.

Well? The founder of Rome. Emperor Romulus. Yes. Huh. What did he want? He wanted eternal life. I know.

I told him it was ridiculous. I mean, can you imagine? Yes. Yes. Ridiculous. Anyway, he wanted to kill me, so I had to make something up, and I told him we were brothers. And that is it? Then he left you alone? Well, I may have made up some other things, too.

What kind of things? Oh, I, you know, I said you could give him a new face. Why does he want a new face? Oh, disguise. Yes, his senators are plotting to kill him. Well, since my experiment with you has been so successful, I do not see why I would not be able to repeat it. I would enjoy studying a new phase. Yes.

Yes. Well, I may have promised more. Oh? I said we would make him die in a ball of fire. What? But not a real death, of course. Arthur! No, picture it.

He gives a grand speech from his chariot and then ascends to heaven and a cloud of fire. of fire, just like a deity. I, well, I may have let my imagination run wild a bit. A deity? A burning? How? Well, it isn't entirely fanciful. You see, there will be an eclipse, and combined with the time of year, thunderstorms are likely, so... So, you want lightning to strike exactly where Romulus is standing? I admit the story lacks finesse, but I just had to make something up quickly, you know, to send him packing. I see. So you do not intend to follow through.

Well, of course not. Well, you know, it is not entirely impossible. What is it? Coaxing lightning to strike in a particular place. It isn't? Lightning tends to strike the tallest trees, and it has an affection for metal. Oh. One could maybe create some sort of lightning conductor and attach it to the chariot.

Yes. And the ball of fire could then be the chariot. If the chariot burns, the flames surrounding it will look like a ball. Yes! But how would Romulus disappear without burning to a crisp? Well... Unless of course we build a fireproof cage. inside the chariot into which he dives after giving the speech yes so I suppose it is

possible in theory in theory hmm but it would be madness I mean we would have to travel to Rome we have to travel anyway so why not to Rome what do you mean well We cannot stay here, can we? I thought you liked it here. I do, but you do not realize what you have done? What? What have I done? You have promised something to the most powerful man on earth. I... I... I suppose I have, yes.

So, that gives us two options. Yes? We travel to Rome and deliver on your ridiculous idea. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Or... Or we free! I think you might be overreacting here, Ritobal. Overreacting?

You do not swindle the Emperor of Rome without consequences. He might not be a threat. I mean, if the Senators really do kill him. And if they do not? Then, then, then, then, then I suppose we would have a problem. Yes. Yes. Yes.

So... So... So... We have to get to work. Building the chariot and crafting the lightning. magnet will take time yes yes and oh and sewing a gold tunic yes yes let me see the rod will have to be higher than any surrounding buildings i have a map of rome somewhere that i acquired from a traveling part as for the fireproof cage it cannot be made out of the metal maybe the map is

under here too hot no we cannot want to boil romulus alive in his own sweat what is obviously out of the question what's such a material she could or maybe i should What here is the man? Is my hope? Yes, all. I get updated. What must be a person from gold play? That is given cage.

But perhaps it should be based on a kind of stone. Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits. The Amelia Project is a production of imploding fictions. This episode featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Paul Wang. as Romulus, Julia Seithorn as Alvina, and Hemi Yiroham as Kozlowsky. It was written and directed by Einstein Ulspok Braga and Philip Thorne, with dialogue editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Paul Kana, music by Frederick Barden, graphic design by Andash Pedersen, and production assistants by Marty Pertzival.

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It's Oval. It's a ball. What? Where am I? Rome. Don't worry. You're alive. What happened? It all works. It is? Perfectly.

The chariot looked magnificent. That is great. Only as the chariot drove off down the road, just as you jumped off to hide in the temple of Nerva, the chariot set fire to the roof, and in seconds the temple was all aflame, and then the roof collapsed, with you caught inside.

But don't worry, I pulled you out. You did what? I ran in and pulled you out, so you wouldn't burn to death. You did not need to do that, Arthur. Of course I did. I owe you that. Thank you, Arthur. That was very brave. You are my brother.

Remember? Yes. Promise me you will never do it again. What? Save your life. It was very foolish of you. I guess now we are quits. Look, you are badly burned. Burns like that, they may kill you.

I'm sorry. I know you're very proud of my new face. Never mind your face. It will heal as long as you survive. I don't mind some scars. There will be no scars. Here. Drink this.

Oh, water. That is perfect. My throat is really dry. It is not water. Oh, I think I need water. Look, there's a ditch. That is sewage. Now, drink this.

What's in this vial? Just drink it. I would like to know what it is. You drank it once before. Yes, and this time I would like to know what I'm drinking. Why? Because it tasted absolutely disgusting. In fact, if it's down to taste, I would rather drink the sewage.

Arthur. Hmm? Arthur, my brother. Do you have the patience to live another day? Patience to live through another tragedy, another failure, another spreading fire, another collapsing roof? I think so. This, these drops here.

That is what they are. Patience. Patience for your body. Not necessarily for your mind. Patience for your body. To live another day. It's like a riddle. Are you saying these drops would make me live and live and never die?

You can still die. A mallet to the brain or a spare through the heart will... Pull my beard and call me a bell. Are you talking about it? talking about prima materia. So Romulus was right. I would never have offered this to Romulus. But you are offering me a chance to live forever.

Well? Oh, I don't know. Do I want to? Forever. That is a long time. How long do you think forever is? Would it feel longer than when you're waiting for water to boil? Or do you think it would feel as slow as wading through deep snow? But perhaps it is the slowness of being constipated. Arthur, the question is not whether you want to live forever.

The question is whether you want to live tomorrow. Tomorrow? Yes, tomorrow. Well, yes. Then drink. Oh, if I have to. Okay. It is good for you.

It better be... Do you feel better? No. Won't you have some? No. I just pulled you out of a blazing fire. What are your plans after this? My plans?

You mean... In life? Or like this evening? I mean this evening. Well, I would like to track down some... Actual water? Do you have time for a story? I always have time for a story.

Which story? It is a story about a phoenix. The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish. It's the last days of summer. Do you know where your children are? They should be playing outside. Come on, Chelsea. Me-Ma says we're not allowed to go to this house.

We're not even supposed to be on the side of town. Doing their chores. Why aren't these chicken coops clean? Please, father, I'll be good. Oh, God! Obeying their parents. You look me right in the eyes and tell me you didn't steal this bike. Ma, no, I've been helping Mr. Diamond, all right?

Lord, don't tell me, my son. is working at a speakeasy. Exploring their feelings. Let's go over to the apple tree. Gosh, okay. But unfortunately for these young fools, the neighborhood bully has other plans. Tonight, you are going to meet me

out in front of the old Barnaker house. Howling house? Why? Now a Boy Scout, a tag-along, a doormat, and a delinquent will dare to spend the night in the most haunted estate in Arkham. Will they survive to see the sunrise, or will they succumb to the hunger of Howling House? Your boy not to die tonight.

What is that thing? Is this the witch's library? I'm going to kill you. Not tonight. Roger, make him stop. No, you watch. Run away, little ones. Oh, stop.

I'm so hungry. Listen to the call of Ketulow, History programs award-winning season night at Howling House. The Complete Story, available everywhere you listen to podcasts, and at Cthulul Mystery.com. All the, all the outs and free, all the outs and free.