The Amelia Project - Itthobaal's Inventions - Archimedian Moment

Episode Date: October 28, 2024

"Dear manual of mechanics and magic..." Itthobaal's Inventions is a bonus series that focusses on Kozlowski, and the wierd and wonderful inventions he has dreamed up over the centuries... You can listen to the full series, as well as The Alvina Archives, 12 Deaths and more by becoming a patron HERE or becoming a paid subscriber on Apple Podcast Subscriptions. Archimedian Moment was written by Oystein Ulsberg Brager, performed by Hemi Yeroham, with music and design by Adam Raymonda and story and audio editing by Philip Thorne.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

As Canadian dairy farmers, we follow ProAction, dairy farmers of Canada's national quality assurance program with six modules. Modules like milk quality, that stands for high standards of milk production. Or food safety, producing milk that meets 42 requirements. And animal care, that means caring for every cow. ProAction sets standards of excellence. That's what's behind the Blue Cow logo. Dairy Farmers of Canada. Hello dear Amelia listeners, we have a surprise treat for you today. We're about to play you

an episode of our bonus mini-series, Ittlebarls Inventions, which we release every other week on Patreon and Apple Podcast subscriptions. It's a series of journal entries by Kozlovsky, always following on from the last regular episode, in which we hear him chronicle his inspirations, regrets, dreams, desires, and the many ideas he's had over the centuries for weird and wonderful inventions. Today's minisode is called Archimedean Moment. It's dedicated to Ansley, who will be the victim of a blood-sucking vampire bat and who will reappear as the ride operator for the derailing ghost train

in Luke Dougal's Hellpark. And now enjoy the mini-sode. Thank you. The manual of mechanics and magic. It is year 1199 in the Julian calendar, year 5949 in the Assyrian calendar, and today is a Thursday. I had my own Archimedean moment today, a sudden rush of insight and inspiration. In the bath. My old friend Archimedes, ever since you stepped into that tub and saw it overflow and realized that your body caused the water to spill in equal measure to your size, the world of physics changed forever. And today, I sat in the bath, and I had a similar awakening of the mind. You would have been proud of me, Archimedes. Or you may have laughed. I admit my insight may not entirely equal yours. My name may not end up on the lips of every mathematician in the world like yours. But still, is it not amusing that I too should

have an epiphany in the bath? I was sitting in the tub this morning, and it was a nice and warm bath so I did not want to get out. Yet I felt a burst coming on. Err, well, I might as well say it. Doctors should not be ashamed of bodily functions. A fart. I felt a fart coming on but instead of getting out of the bath to let it pass into the air, I stayed in the water. I farted under water. And the sensation… Ah! Well, first of all, it was familiar.

I am sure I must have farted in the bath as a child, even if I later learned to direct my flatulation into the toilet. But the fact that it reminded me of childhood filled me with joy. The tickling sensation of my wind as the bubbles caressed my bottom and backside made me laugh with pleasure, and I believe this pleasure was derived both from the physical sensation and from the long-forgotten memories it awoke. It was as if I could see myself as a little babe laughing up at my mother and see her smiling back down at me. And this gave me an idea. The bubble bath. I first thought of calling it the fart bath, but it did not

seem too appealing. The path of breaking wind is slightly better, but in the end I settled on the word bubble as it seemed the most wholesome and neutral choice. Imagine if you could sit in the bath and be surrounded by delightful bubbles carefully stroking against your skin. And I'm not talking about bubbles coming from your own backside, no, I am talking about a bath where the bubbles come from all over. It would make bathing even more enjoyable. The weekly, for some monthly hour of rinsing would be a playful experience and an entertaining one. I dare say people might even start bathing more often. It can only be a positive. The people here in

France do smell like beasts. But how to power such a bath? At first, I considered farting eunuchs. If they had a diet of stewed cabbage for a few days before the bath session, it should create sufficient pressure of gas. In order to avoid the eunuchs getting into the tub, that would require a very large tub, and the bubbles would mainly caress the eunuchs themselves. I started drawing a system of tubes that could be inserted into the eunuchs' backside. That would allow the bather to bathe alone, yet get the full experience of the bubbles. However, we do run the risk that the cabbage creates not just gas but also liquids and that would be, well, less than desirable. My second

thought was that the eunuchs could simply blow into the pipes but with the state of their teeth and the stench of their breath, I would frankly rather have their farts. However, I think I must look for a solution that is not powered by human exhalation at all. I need a mechanical solution that can somehow capture the air into bubbles and then insert the bubbles into the water. This could potentially lower the cost and make the bubble bath more widely attainable, as eunuchs are surprisingly expensive to keep and rather hard to come by. Could the machine be wind-powered perhaps? Or could I somehow create wind? I shall continue my research into the subject.

Until next time, dear catalogue of creations. Till next time. Yiroham written by Ostein Braga with music and sound design by Adam Raimonda. If you'd like to listen to 9 other Itabals inventions and more to come, as well as all our other bonus series like the Alvina Archives, the Arthur Archives, the Audio Advent Calendar and more, you can do so by becoming part of our Patreon community from just $5. It'll also give you access to advanced listening parties and behind the scenes content. Or you can become a paid subscriber on Apple Podcasts subscriptions. You can find out more by going to AmeliaPodcast.com and clicking on support the show. The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish. The Dex Legacy, original sci-fi audio drama from alternative stories.

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