The Amelia Project - Veuve Clicquot - Listener voicemails!

Episode Date: January 8, 2019

“Leave your message after the beep.” Real messages to The Amelia Project. The Amelia Project is an audio fiction series. We recommend starting at the beginning. Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. If you’re not comfortable with this, stop listening. Now. The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network. Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partners Website: ameliapodcast.com Twitter: @amelia_podcast Patreon: patreon.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Your mom hates it when you leave six half-full glasses on your nightstand. It's a good thing mom lives on the other side of the country. And it's an even better thing that you can get six IKEA 365 Plus glasses for just $9.99. So go ahead, you can afford to hoard because IKEA is priced for student life. Shop everything you need for back to school at IKEA today. Have you ever imagined your own disappearance or daydreamed about a new identity? Would you like to call the Amelia Project and share your story? Well, if you've been paying close attention to season one, you should be able to find our number hidden towards the end of one of the episodes.

Over the past few weeks, we've been receiving disappearance requests from some brave listeners who dared pick up the phone, and we want to play you a compilation of messages that they've left us. Enjoy. Congratulations. You've reached the Amelia Project. This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up now. If you continue, there's no way back. Good choice. A new life awaits. You'll hear back from us within the hour.

If you don't hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message and your email address after the beep. I'm completely serious about this. And hope it's not a hoax. And like I said, super dead serious. Police, I need your services. It's happening tomorrow. They want me to make a choice. A choice I can't possibly make.

How fast can we get this done? Call me back. You have to help us. We're going crazy here. We are stuck on this island, surrounded by morons, and the person in charge has no idea what she's doing. Can you imagine what that's like? I mean, eccentricity is all very well. We can part with cheese rolling and five-day cricket matches. When you've got Eaton and Oxbridge educated millionaires winning votes on the basis of being anti-establishment,

well, it's just a joke too far. We're stuck in a bad dream. Between Brexit, Southern Rail and bloody Boris Johnson, we've had enough. And now they're saying that Gove should be the next Prime Minister. It's the final straw. I mean, I only came here in the first place to escape that crazy blonde embassy on the other side of the pond. But at least I could hide out in the Rocky Mountains or something. This place is tiny.

You just can't get away from the idiots. You've got to help us get off this island. So now, we start in Hayward Heath. We live on a road, and it's like Privet Drive. Only the escape vehicle is a tandem. It's an emergency. Hey guys, this is Johnny Ross. I'm really Johnny Ross. The deal is, though, I've been living a double life my whole life. I'm not British. I just pretended to be British because no one took an American punk rocker seriously.

So I led that life until I couldn't take it anymore. I was being a fraud and I came back to the States. I bounced around from place to place and about 20, 25 years ago, I had a summer fling in California. The woman who I had the fling with, her name was Megan Markle. Since then, we've continued to stay in touch. We've sent emails, texts, we've talked on the phone, and a lot of them are pretty racy. Now, I know I'm older than her. She likes older men, even though she's married this younger man. But I think she still has feelings for me. And one of your British secret service agencies,

I think it's MI6, has taken notice. They've been following me. They won't leave me alone. I hear strange noises on my phone when I try to make calls. I see fans sitting across the street from my house. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of being followed. I'm ready to disappear, and I need your help. You might be my only chance. ready to disappear, and I need your help. You might be my only chance. Hi, it's Sean. Sean Cobb. Look, I didn't want to go into this over an open line. You never know who's listening, but I see you're going to make me give you something, so here goes. So yes, I do work for the government. Yes, I am a writer. I mean, on the side, not professionally. Anyways, do you know how hard it is to guess a random password made of 24

numbers and letters? It's hard, like really impossibly hard. I managed to do 23. Well, you're wondering what I'm talking about, aren't you? Sorry. Long story short, my newest book, you know, a cliched spy thriller, James Bond Saves the World type thing, I've got a scene where the U.S. president launches a nuclear strike. I provided the code in the book, a code I completely made up.

Unfortunately, what I made up was close, as in 23 out of 24 digits close. And now, because of my job, everyone assumes I actually know the real code, the remaining digit. The U.S. government, Russians, Chinese, Salvation Army, for all I know, they all want to know what I know and how I know it.

So I need to disappear. You guys are my only hope. Uh, yes, um, hi, uh, hello? uh, uh, yes, well, this is, uh, Cyril Quintanilla. I'm, uh, I'm the owner of a factory. We process cocoa for drinking and baking and, well, you know, other uses. It's cocoa, right? Um, uh, this isn't all some kind of sick hoax, I'm calling because my company

is, well, to tell the truth, I am. I'm under investigation for adding a certain ingredient to our cocoa that is somewhat well addictive in nature.

I need to disappear rather quickly before my factory is destroyed by thousands of angry parents. I'm not sure if any of you lot over there ever drink cocoa, but anyway, please call me back as soon as possible.

Thank you. Interesting. The Fable & Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish. When Kilmer accepted the job of smuggling escaped heiress Samantha Trapp across the galaxy, she expected the job to be over and done with quickly, but now they're stuck with each other and they have a job to do. Think of Automnicon as a sort of student loan company. You take a loan from them and then they own you until you've paid it off with interest.

So all I have to do is pay off my debt? Fine, I can do that. How much do I owe? 900,027 credits. And counting. You're stuck here, with me, to work it off. We Fix Space Junk is a sci-fi sitcom from Battlebird Productions, featuring Travelling by Cryo. Don't worry if you feel like you're drowning. That's perfectly normal. Wait, what? Aliens from across the galaxy.

Greetings, visitors. Is that popcorn? Hello, from across the galaxy. Greetings, visitors. Is that popcorn? Hello, Your Excellency. A.I.s. Dad, how do I do air? You're already doing it automatically. Calm down. And, of course, thrilling and exciting missions in outer space.

Hello, valued employees. Here are the details for your next exciting mission. You will be repairing a device redacted in or at the location redacted. We Fix Space Junk is available on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, or wherever else you get your podcasts. Subscribe, consume, integrate, indoctrinate, assail, degenerate, and watch your body decay into a faceless husk as your mind floats aimlessly in space. Register your interest with Automacon.

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