The Antiquarium of Sinister Happenings - Lot 005 : Shave and A Haircut (ft. Sara Paxton)

Episode Date: August 14, 2023

A cursed record unlocks a nightmare.Written by Trevor ShandStarts Sara Paxton (The Innkeepers / The Last House on the Left), Bruce Abels, Trevor Shand, Krsy Fox (Bury The Bride / Allegoria / Frank)Featuring Stephen Knowles as the Antique DealerTheme Music by The Newton BrothersAdditional music:CO.AG ([e-mail]) Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Greetings and salutations. Well, don't just stand there. Come on in. I've got all sorts of treasures here at the shop for you to explore. Then curating them from the darkest corners of the world. In places even more hopeless than that, I'm afraid. I do cash. Barter. I reckon some might even cost you.

Your soul. Forgive me. But I can't. couldn't help but notice your fine choice in footwear. Now those look like dancing shoes. You... Like music? Yeah, I thought so.

Click them heels together, while I tell you the story about something real special we just got in. It's called shave a haircut. Ha ha ha ha. Sounds harmless enough, right? Welcome. to the antiquarium of sinister happenings and odd goings on. Nothing is sweeter than the music of young love.

It is in fact music that serves as the gateway for the story you were about to hear. Allie and Gabe have been sending the same song for a number of years now, if only slightly off-key, or sung in a round when one starts, and one begins just a few breaths later, dancing in chaos but never quite catching up. We join their refrain on a Sunday when the dissonance ushered in darkness. Today was awesome, and these cupcakes are freaking spectacular.

I know, right? I've been going to this spot for 15 years, and it never disappoints. They even lasted through the gourmet cupcake boom of the odds. Wait, wait, wait. The what of the what? Okay, so in 2000, Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City started a cupcake frenzy. Really? On one of the episodes, she's eating a cupcake from a place in the West Village.

All of a sudden, tourists love the place. They run out of icing even. It's a confection catastrophe that ruined the entire neighborhood. How so? Congested streets, lineups down the block, paparazzi, cabs, news trucks, double parked tour buses. I mean, you name it. baked good ruffians over freaking flour and buttercream

oh it gets even crazier tons more businesses start opening up from sprinkles to crumbs almost every city in America is opening bakeries on every corner dreaming of new ways to inject artificially flavored goop into what became the world's favorite trendy

dessert you know an awful lot about this well it's a part of the history of this country we have to know yeah you guess you're right anyway so the bubble bursts, the market is oversaturated, and one by one, the big players start to disappear as the novelty wears off to make room for the next big thing in sweet treats. Which is, what was the next big thing in sweet treats? God.

The Froyo frenzy of 2010? That is something. Oh, shit. Let's duck into this antique store real quick. Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, come here for a second. What's up, Sugar-Lip? I just, I love you And happy anniversary

I love you too But happy anniversary Is reserved for after we get married If you ever have the courage to ask me Well, what am I supposed to say Happy Two year date abrasion Because you're too chicken shit

To move out of your sister's apartment And move in with me aversory Oh go, because that rolls off the tongue Listen, she's just going through a rough patch There's been rehab A ton of things you know, I know. I'm awesome and I understand. Let's go record shopping. Whoa, look at this place. I can't believe I've never been in here before.

Wow, this is unbelievable. Hello there, folks, and welcome. Is there anything in particular you might be looking for this afternoon? Actually, there is. This tall drink of water right here just got me a record player for our two-year date abration because he's two chicken shit to move out of his sister's apartment and move in with me, aversary. Oh, wow. Here she goes again. So I have become a vintage vinyl aficionado as of yesterday morning. Yeah.

Well, that is a special occasion indeed. As it turns out, I have something that just might be exactly what you were looking for. I don't know much about it other than the sleeve appears to be made of. Black leather with a kind of bizarre symbol of some sort. He came in with a bunch of old furniture from an estate sale. There's no information inside, no label, nothing. But it is a record, rather whimsical in its presentation, and well, so are you, if I may say so.

If you are interested, it and its mysteries are all yours. free of charge Sold for really reals? Take it You're making her a very happy woman Thank you so much sir That is awfully kind of you Take nothing of it

Enjoy the rest of the day How cool is that right? Free vinyl, yes Shit, my sister's been texting me For the past 15 minutes I gotta get back to the apartment To watch her dog so she can go to work I'm so sorry

My knight in shining armor Okay, you do you Give lots of kisses to the pupper for me and I'll hit you up later. My editor is going to make dog food out of me if I don't get this movie review out in the next four hours anyway. Later, Christians later.

In a while, Julia Stiles. It's the early evening. The gray clouds from the day begin to stain from nightfall. Ali arrives back at her apartment, grabs a cold soda from the fridge, sits down at her desk

and opens up her laptop. A half-written movie review. Soaks a quarter of the screen. She takes a sip of her drink and starts typing for a few minutes. She stops and thinks. Writes another sentence. Delete, delete, delete. No, that's not it.

More thinking. Stuck. She stretches out her legs, slotches back into the seat of the chair, and lifts her head up to gaze at the ceiling before closing her eyes. She bends her head back down and looks around the room, as if she may find the next idea written on the wall somewhere. Then she sees it, the nameless record from the antique store,

leaning up against the closet in the entryway. She gets up, walks over to it, and picks it up. She's standing now, holding it in her hands and examining the jacket, worn down black leather that was nearly pungent in the way that it smelled. A hint of incense, cigar smoke, dust, and sulfur. Pungent, but oddly intoxicating. It drew her in. The back is bare, but on what appeared to be the front cover

is a peculiar symbol embossed in the surface. She ran her finger over it. Tracing the bumps. Ali definitely didn't recognize it. A circular crest with what looked like a pentagram cut in half. An odd cavalcade of geometric lines, criss-crossing and meeting in the curves of the bottom. She removes the disc from the sleeve, Jet Black.

The center has no writing either. No artist's name. Nothing. Looking closer revealed that it looked like that whatever was required, recorded onto this thing was one continuous piece of music. It didn't seem to be divided up into songs, but just one large, uninterrupted groove. She walked to her turntable, not able to discern a side A or side B. Allie just chooses one and puts the record on.

All right, mystery band, inspire me. I dare you. Maybe tonight is a Phoebe Bridger's night. Do you, do you, do you, do you, what? I want me to... Ali lifts her head up, as her fingers form into a hesitant fist, and slowly finish the familiar phrase of the knock onto the wood floor of the apartment. She goes to pick up her phone.

Only her desk isn't there. Her refrigerator is. In fact, nothing is where it's supposed to be. Her eyes survey the room in a panic. Everything in the space appears to have... reversed sides. She can feel the sharp stings of numbness start to invade her entire body

like a million sewing needles going in and through her skin, threading each nerve with intolerable pain as they are closed off, one by one. She discovers the desk down a hallway that seems to go on forever.

She lifts the phone and dials. I think I just passed out and I'm really freaked out. I don't know if I had a stroke or a heart attack or some sort of seizure. Oh, I feel so weird. I can't feel my hands. I don't know who you are,

but you were a sick, fucked up person. What kind of monster? Gabe? It's me, Allie. That's impossible. Allie disappeared over seven years ago to the day. What?

Allie. Allie, is it really? It's me. It's me. It's me. Do you? Those saddress. Looking back at Alley resembles a Picasso portrait.

Her left eye has sunk to her chin. One of her ears is a bloody stump. Her nose has all but vanished, leaving a clean swath of fresh skin. Puss begins oozing out of every pore. She yells in theater and races to the front door to leave the apartment. But there is no door. No way out. Just a continuous collage of furniture and wallpaper appears to melt.

Oh, what a lovely day out there, isn't it? You know, you look like someone who might appreciate the magic of music. It turns out I just got something in from an estate sale that might be exactly what you were looking for. The Antisester Happenings, Lot Zero-05, shave in a haircut. Written by Trevor Shand, narrated by Bruce Ables, featuring Sarah Paxton as Alley. Trevor Shand as Gabe, Chrissy Fox as the Demon, Stephen Knowles as the antique dealer. Additional music by COAG. Engineering production and sound design by Trevor Shand.

The Antiquarium of Sinister Happenings is created and curated by Trevor and Lauren Shand. Theme music by the Newton Brothers. Follow us on Instagram and Twitter at Antiquarium Pod. Call the Antiquarium at 646-481-7197.