The Aspiring Psychologist Podcast - Grief in Young Adulthood: Losing a Parent Before 30

Episode Date: May 19, 2025

Losing a parent in your teens or twenties is a uniquely painful experience that can shape your identity, relationships, and mental health for years to come. In this episode of The Aspiring Psychologist Podcast, Dr Marianne Trent speaks with Harry and Hannah from It's Time Charity, which supports young adults aged 16–30 who have experienced parental loss. Together, they explore the impact of grief in young adulthood, from missing milestones like graduations, weddings and parenthood, to navigating university life while grieving, and the emotional triggers that resurface over time. They also discuss practical coping strategies, how to support someone who's grieving, the difference between grief and trauma, and why therapy can help even years later. Whether you’ve lost a parent, are supporting a friend, or work in mental health, this conversation offers comfort, insight and solidarity. #GriefInYoungAdulthood #ParentalLoss #ItsTimeCharity #YoungAdultGrief #MentalHealthSupport #TheAspiringPsychologistPodcast⏱️ Timestamps:00:00 – Why this episode matters01:11 – Grieving in your 20s: different to older age04:05 – The myth of "being strong" after loss06:28 – Talking grief in inner circles vs with strangers07:31 – When you’ve lived longer without them than with them10:03 – Parenthood and re-experiencing grief13:28 – Nursery milestones and the absence of photos17:07 – Keeping memories alive through food and traditions19:46 – How to support someone grieving a parent24:40 – Grief anniversaries and meaningful gestures28:03 – Coping strategies, including risks like substances35:18 – The difference between trauma and grief39:02 – Therapy is worth trying more than once40:37 – What It's Time Charity offers43:25 – Where to find It's Time Charity onlineConnect and Follow It's Time Charity here: https://www.itstimecharity.co.ukhttps://www.instagram.com/itstime_charity/https://www.linkedin.com/company/it-s-timecharity/posts/?feedView=allLinks:🫶 To support me by donating to help cover my costs for the free resources I provide click here: https://the-aspiring-psychologist.captivate.fm/support📚 To check out The Clinical Psychologist Collective Book: https://amzn.to/3jOplx0 📖 To check out The Aspiring Psychologist Collective Book: https://amzn.to/3CP2N97 💡 To check out or join the aspiring psychologist membership for just £30 per month head to: https://www.goodthinkingpsychology.co.uk/membership-interested🖥️ Check out my brand new short courses for aspiring psychologists and mental health professionals here: https://www.goodthinkingpsychology.co.uk/short-courses✍️ Get your Supervision Shaping Tool now: https://www.goodthinkingpsychology.co.uk/supervision📱Connect socially with Marianne and...

What happens when you're figuring out life? Six form, uni, jobs, relationships, and you lose a parent. In this episode, we explore the often overlooked impact of grieving for key attachment figures in young adulthood and how it can shape who we become. It's a powerful and important episode and I hope you find it super useful. powerful and important episode, and I hope you find it super useful. Hi, welcome along to the Aspiring Psychologist podcast. I am Dr. Marianne,

and I'm a qualified clinical psychologist. Now grief is a massive and important topic, and it's one we have spoken about before on the podcast, and it's one that's made me cry on the podcast too. Today I almost go there, but not quite, but crying is always okay, and it's important, and I love the idea of it's the love leaking out. Today we are taking a close look under the microscope

of grief, of losing a parent when you are kind of just getting started in your young adulthood and beyond. I lost my own father when I was 36, and I consider that pretty young. But of course I know I was lucky to hold on to him for so long. Not everybody is as lucky with their parents, but of course I also would have wanted to keep him for longer. So grief is a process with their parents. But of course, I also would have

wanted to keep him for longer. So grief is a process we need to be able to work through. And of course, that yearning that comes with it where we want those ends of our lives to come back together and that key important person is missing. We are meeting today Hannah and Harry, and they are both working for It's Time charity which is a very unique charity which supports the needs of people who lost a parent when they were age 16 to 30. Let's dive in and catch up with them now and I will catch you on the other side. Hi, just want to welcome you along to today's episode. Hi, Harry and hi, Hannah. Hello, nice to see you again. Hello, lovely to be here today. Well, thank

you for being here and I know lately there's been a lot of grief in my inner circle. I think there's been about four or five people in the space of about 36 hours who have died and what I'm learning is people often don't want to talk to you about grief. And sometimes people don't want to talk about grief. And so I really salute both of you for doing what you do and for being so happy to come and talk to us about it here today. Pleasure. It's completely agree. It's very taboo subject, which is one of the reasons why we set up the charity. It's time to break that taboo and start more conversations.

Completely agree and I almost feel like when I speak about grief it does help me as well, to process that grief as well. So I'm really excited to be here to help some other people as well. Perfect and I think sometimes people when they speak to you about grief and if it makes you cry, they're like, oh no, oh, what have I done? Run away, cheer them up, I'm awful, I should never ask these questions again. And I would say, that's just not the case. It's okay that somebody cries and you didn't do it, unless you did have a hand in ending that person's life, you didn't do it. But it's sometimes just really nice to be seen and to be validated and for people to talk to you about something that lots of people don't,

actually. No, they don't. And I just wanted what you're saying about crying. It's like the emotions, there's kind of this thing of like, you know, don't embrace your emotions, but it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel anger. And I think a lot of the emotions you feel when you lose someone close to you are often quite negative. But it's right to feel those and share those and let it all out. Because if you don't, it only kind of gets worse. And so I'm just a big advocate of crying, you know, and letting it all out and having those discussions.

Completely agree. And just speaking from personal experience, I didn't actually cry at all when my mum died. So my mum died at 17. And I wanted to be this really strong character that could get over it and just show people I'm okay. And it came back to bite me maybe about two, three years later. I remember looking myself at university into my room and I didn't want to talk to anybody and I found it really, really hard. So I'm all for you need to show your emotions, but I'm also all for that you might not feel that you need to cry. Make sure you just process it the way that you need to process it. And it's okay to feel what you feel when you feel it as well. Yeah, trust yourself to take it in stages really and come back to process the bit you need to when you get there. Yeah and it takes

years, don't get me wrong, I lost my dad at 16 years old, this year the 20th year. And it took me a very, very, very long time to be able to speak about it. So whilst I say, acknowledge your emotions and talk, don't try and rush it. Do it at your own pace, as and when you want to, who you want as well. Cause you mentioned inner circle. For me, it took a long time to actually talk

to my inner circle. I preferred the discussions with strangers because there was no real judgment there. There was no treading on eggshells and how I might be at a gathering with friends at barbecue in the summer. So thinking, oh, his dad's just died. I wanted normalisation in my inner circle and then to have this outer circle where I could be more vulnerable. And that

actually built my strength up to have the conversations with my inner circle over time. But when I say time, it's 10 to 15 to 20 years rather than six weeks after the event. 10 to 15 to 20 years rather than six weeks after the event. Yeah, and do you think some aspect of making it easier to share with the Inner Circle is that people then begin to experience their own griefs and so they kind of have more ability to relate or do you just think it's something about yourself and your development and your confidence or you're kind of developing more of an ease with that position? I guess grief is always difficult to speak about. And even here, it's difficult to speak

about. But I think as you grow in that grief and you learn from experiences, it does get easier. You never forget, but it does get easier to speak about and I'm how many years? Nearly 15 years down the road. So now I can have a conversation about it and not necessarily get upset, but in the initial years, the two, three years, 100% I would get upset and it would be really difficult to talk about and then I'll just forget about it and concentrate and procrastinate on other things. So I do think that as grief goes on and time goes on, it does get a little bit more easier. Yeah. And I think even from speaking to both of you today, one of the things with losing a parent earlier in your life is that there's more of a chance that before too long, the

years without them are more than the years that you had with them and I think that's quite a unique pain really. Yeah it is once you tip into that kind of halfway mark of I had more of my life without them than with them. It makes me feel a bit emotional actually just saying it again because that was actually a few years ago now and I think when you're a young adult so in the 16 to 30s and I was 16 so much of your life happens in those years and that's why like for me I was running away from it a little bit because you finish your A levels you you go to university, you then might go traveling and then you come back in your mid-twenties and then you start to

settle down, you then get married, you might have children and it all happens in that time. So that whole time I've been without my dad because yeah, he passed away when I was 16. And it is, is such a, I just remember vividly that that moment. And it was, it was really tough. Completely agree with you, Harry. And I, I remember there was a, there was a point, I think it was about two years ago. And so my mum was ill when I was three years old. So she was about 27. And when I hit 27, I was like, Oh, So she was about 27 and when I hit 27 I was like, oh my gosh,

my mum was really young when she did initially get ill. And then I actually had a conversation with my dad a couple of weeks ago. And when my throughout the illness that my mum had, because it was from let's say 27 and she passed away at 43. So it was quite, it was quite a long illness. And I speak to my dad and I was like, how did you deal with this? Especially because I'm now 31 and at that age he was dealing with a sick wife and a young child and having to navigate life. And I was like, I don't even know how to have like, I don't know, like a pair of socks that aren't odd on. So it kind of made me understand and really appreciate how much my dad had also gone through and to really understand the magnitude of that as well at

such a young age. Yeah, and that really connects with me because I'm 43 now and I think it's only when you begin to get to ages yourself that you've seen your parents be at, or that they never got to, that you really have that insight. Because I do feel, I don't know, I still feel about 19 hanging outside the student union. But I know I'm not, but I don't feel that old. And I'm 43. Yeah, I completely know what you mean. It's also like the life events you go through. So when we had our daughter, I looked at my dad in a completely different way. So he then became a granddad and that triggered my grief

because he wasn't just a dad, but he was a granddad to my daughter. So I grieve the fact that he wasn't there for those two roles. So I think you're, as you get older, and you embark on different parts of your life, the grief changes, it changes definitions, it changes shapes, it hits you at different times. And I often, I'm just so curious, like with my mom to be like, what was he like as a dad? Like, what did you do? How did you cope?

You had three children. I've only got one. All of these questions, like, how did he keep his full-time job and managed to juggle all this on the top? There's so many unanswered questions, but I'm kind of just glad I'm actually able to still ask them whilst I might not get the answer direct from that person. Um, I just get very curious of looking at it in, in different ways today. I think that shows you've got real emotional intelligence as well though,

Harry, that you are aware and mindful and curious and sometimes asking the questions is enough and we don't, we won't always know the answers, but once we've asked the question, we have the ability to answer it ourselves as well. And that can be really powerful as well. You know, you might be, I don't know how old your children are, but you might be bathing them or out on a bike ride. And you might be like, oh, well,

this is what I think the answer is and that's okay. No, I was just gonna say just a second that one thing that my partner and he's helped me so much with grief always says and because I worry about when I have children and that they won't know that grandparent and he always says but Hannah they'll know her through you because you are her so I don't want to make you cry, Harry, I think that I think as you having a child, I think it's important to

remember that your dad lives in you. Yeah, 100%. I just and this is, this is where it's so Greece really difficult, right? Because at times you think I'm alright I'm okay everything's fine and then just bam out of nowhere you get like a trigger of a different sensation a different feeling and that did come quite a lot when my my daughter was born like they have things at nursery where they like print photos of their grandparents and take them in and what makes me sad and will make me sad for the rest of my life is that

like in when my dad died it wasn't the era of smartphones and instant photos everywhere. And we meet a lot of people through the charity who share amazing memories of their parent or parents and some of the photos and videos are just, you know, quite beautiful when they have those memories. It is quite hard sometimes that you don't have the instant like photos and reels and reels and videos on your phone. But yeah, there are moments where, you know, the nursery asks for those kind of things and it is really difficult to, moments where the nursery asks for those kinds of things and it is really difficult to, a difficult moment. And everybody else in the cohorts probably got grandparents with grey hair, bald heads,

glasses and your image of your dad might be quite different to that in that setup. Yeah, exactly. I mean, he's probably aged quite a lot now, right? It's probably got a lot of gray hair, but it like I say, it's tough. You can't really prepare for any of this you can think you're prepared, but there's still moments of where you get these triggers and you have to maneuver and pull on your mechanisms you put into place to help you through it and your mechanisms you put into place to help you through it. Such as in, and that could be crying, that could be going for a run, that could be talking, that could be doing some art, could be journaling.

There's a variety of different things, but it is challenging and it always will be. But in a positive way, it's good to still feel that because that's still love and longing for that person 20 years later when they're not even here. If I didn't feel any grief or sadness, I'd be worried. But I do every single day. And that's just because of the... I just love him and I always will. Yeah, good. And I know when I watched, I have to confess I did watch the Harry and Megan documentary series at then. They were talking about Diana, you know, granny Diana, and they

had a photo of her and would take the babies over and talk to her and talk about her. And that was something I've always done with my dad as well, you know, keeping him alive and, you know, telling them stories about him. And I wish I'd asked my granny what it was like to have two boys because there was, in my family, there have never been two boys since my dad. But it's only that context that you begin to think, oh, I wish I'd asked that question because honestly, some days I'm like, wow, how did she do this? I guess she just sent them out and made them go and play. But yeah, introducing stories about them so that that becomes internalized in your own child's

mind about their character and the things they like to do and what made them unique is one of the ways that I get through. Is that something that you guys do? So perhaps you with your daughter and Hannah, your future spouse, never got a chance to know your mum in the present? I don't know which one of you might want to answer that, if either of you. I can maybe give a couple of examples. Not necessarily stories, but my mum was the best cook. I don't know whether it was just my opinion, but she was the best cook. No one could have beaten her. And I wouldn't say the word regret

because I couldn't plan it, but plan for it. But I wish I had learned all of her recipes, her fried chicken, her, we're Caribbean. So her, the way that she does her Trinidadian stew chicken. And I've tried to reinvent for my partner and hopefully for my children to be in the future. But that's been quite tough because I know she was such a good cook and I really want my family to carry on. So I do go around to my auntie, who's her sister, and I learn her recipes because it's very similar and they learn from their mum and it's kind of been passed down.

So that's something I try to do and something I really wish I had asked her a bit more about. Because when you're a 15 year old girl, 14 year old girl, who wants to learn how to cook? But now the 31 year old Hannah definitely wants to learn how to cook with her recipes. Do you find yourself like when you see it like on signs, do you find yourself ordering it just in case it's the one? Like so you can have them like this is it or this is it? 100% and we went to Barbados a couple years ago and there's a Caribbean dish, it's roti with, we actually say, instead of chicken curry, we say curry chicken and it tasted really similar and I do remember getting a bit teary and being like, oh my gosh, I haven't tasted

this in so long. So it's, but those are the memories which make me really happy remembering the house and the kitchen full of just the most beautiful smells. She used to make me breakfast every Sunday morning like a big fry up. So I try to live on a memory through those moments and try to carry those on as well. Yeah and any children you have in future, you know, I'm guessing Sunday mornings are going to be quite the occasion. Oh, of course it will be. Yeah. Lava fry up. You've made me really hungry, by the way, because it's lunchtime and all of that sound of food is amazing. Now, just I think for me, it's like, try and remember like habits and things that I've done at key moments like Christmas and New Year's. You know, when we grew up, my dad used to do like, you know,

getting the Christmas tree from a certain place, he put the star on the top of the angel and we've still got that angel, one of my sisters or I've got it, I can't remember off the top of my head. But then I grew up in quite a small village which was, it was really nice community. Granted, bad news travels fast, but there's a lot of people that knew my dad there and just being there sometimes is really nice just chatting about it and hearing stories. And my mom's like best friends with like his best friend still and all that kind of stuff. And it's really nice to keep in touch with all of his friends and see them at special occasions

and special moments as well. You might not talk about it, but it's just like a underlying like nod of the hat. Like he's here as well type thing. Yeah, I totally agree. So are there any ways that if you're watching this and either you're a therapist or you're watching this because maybe someone you know has lost a parent,

are there any ways you can be a really great friend or support to someone that's experiencing this? How could we hold their unique kind of needs in mind? So I guess just a couple of things that spring to mind. I would say don't assume, so your friend may be grieving and they may be showing signs of upset, being upset, being happy, etc. And that's just the way they're trying to cope. So don't assume that they're going to be upset and want to cry all day. So I think when you lose a parent, you just need a core group around you. And sometimes you might want to sit in silence. And that's okay. And sometimes they might want to go out on the down and

have a drink. That's also okay. So I would just say, just be there for them. And if they want to talk about it, just let them and let them just talk at you. And sometimes it's okay just to listen and not have an opinion. So yeah, that was one of mine is just being here for them. Like just listen and they will I'm sure talk to you and just want you to listen. So that was one of my things. My other one is, is be normal, like be normal. Like if you're, if I've lost my parent and I reach out to a friend to be like, let's go to the pub, Just be normal, be like, you know, let's get drinks, go on a fruit machine,

let's play pool, be as normal as possible so it doesn't feel even bigger than what's going on in their head anyway, because if they don't feel like they can be normal in their own comfortable environment, then it will only kind of make things worse. And then the last one was, if your relationship with your inner circle,

like your best friends is like super tight, in my view, don't be, let me know if you need anything, or let me know if I can bring something over. Go around, take them dinner, or go out, get them in your car and go for a coffee or go for a walk or go for a jog. I'm not saying be aggressive with it, but be like, I'm coming over tonight at eight o'clock, I'm gonna bring dinner, is that okay?

Rather than let me know if I can bring dinner around one night. That to me is kind of like, okay, yes, rather than, oh, okay, I'll let you know. And that's just my other one of be like, don't be so passive, but be like, yeah, you know what I'm trying to say. Yeah, I guess, you know, hold someone in mind, come up with practical ways that you can support them. I guess similarly to when people have babies, think, oh, I'll leave them alone.

It's like, actually, no, if you could come around and drop off some food, that would be ace. And if you could hold the baby while I have a shower. And it's just thinking about practical ways you can support that might also be emotionally comforting as well. And yeah, just even if you live remotely, distance from someone, I think it's always okay to regularly check in. And like you say, just be the biggest person you can manage to be and trust them to say if they don't want that or don't want that support from

you or are not ready for that at that time. But I think in my experience, grief can feel like a very, very noisy vacuum of sound where people initially lots of support, then like radio silence. And I think having someone have grief experience does make them usually better at knowing that it's okay to kind of rock the boat, but not always. Even yesterday, so we've been talking a lot about death in my family the last couple of days. And we were talking, I was writing a card, not like a with sympathy card, just like a nice card with a nice message on the front. And I was writing that and I became emotional as I was writing it. And my husband was like, why are

you doing that? Why are you sending that? If you died, that's the last thing I would want is someone sending me a card reminding me that you had died. I want to not talk about it. And I said, well, funny you say that because if I die, I would expect it to be like Harry Potter's letter scene in here. I would expect the cards to be coming through everywhere and I want people to come to my funeral and be really sad. I'm okay with demonstrations of grief. And he was like, well, I'll seal up the letter box. And I was like, clearly you've not watched Harry Potter recently. That doesn't work. They will come through the chimney. But people do grieve in different ways. But still, I'll seal up the letterbox. And I was like, clearly you've not watched Harry Potter recently. That doesn't work. They will come through the chimney.

Like, but people do grieve in different ways, but still I think we should do a thing which shows we are human and allow the person to need something different, but allow them to be able to tell us what they need. I completely agree with you. And I guess something that I've always appreciated 15, 14, 15 years down the road is when it's days like Mother's Day or the anniversary of my mom, my core group,

my really best friends, they always remember and they just send me a message. And it actually really helps. I'll just be like, oh, they've actually thought about it. And it almost just makes me feel a little bit more better on those days, because I always remember be like, oh, they've actually thought about it. And it almost just makes me feel a little bit more better on those days, because I always remember those dates, but it just means that extra something when they do. So I really appreciate it.

And just speaking about when some, it really resonated when you were just speaking about when somebody initially dies, when a parent initially dies, up into the funeral, you don't really remember because there's so many people around you but as soon as the funeral is done and those doors close, it's quite quiet, it's very quiet and you almost feel a bit alone and you're like, well, what do I do? And it's those times which I think is very important to reach out to your friends or your family who are going through this and to check in because that's a really hard time.

Something I do with people who've lost people is when I send a Christmas card which doesn't happen this that often anymore but I will still sometimes well I know especially its first years without somebody I will write them a Christmas card and I will write it to the family who live there, but I will also say, and thinking of, so that their name appears in the card. And I've been told that's very much appreciated because they haven't stopped becoming part of the family just because they're no longer living. And of course, recognizing that they might be having a difficult time that Christmas or that birthday because that person's not there. Oh, it's hard isn't it to talk about this stuff. You probably hear it in my voice for those who

listen on a podcast. It just gets these emotional juices flowing, but you know, because it matters. Yeah, it really does matter. And I think the things that I think of as we've just been chatting now are people have different love languages, right? so a lot of people are going doing action, action is something for me that's your way of showing me like love or some people like the communication some people like the the touch and the hugging some people holding hands and some people like gifts griefs similar in a way like if and that's what needs to be remembered sometimes when you're thinking about how can I support the other person is what would they want would they would they want me calling them three times a day asking them how

they are so I wouldn't like no way but I'm an action person so I'd be like come over let's do this type thing and I think that's the key thing is try and try and take a step back before you rush to do something to try and help someone and think what what does that person want? And what do I think that they need and try and get the blend right to be able to to do something to help them not just once but several times. And I think often you can rush into it and get it very very wrong. Yeah and then just the love languages bit came into my head about how people have different like communication styles as well. There's so much that comes into

it like when you're facing trying to support people who are going through grief. Okay I'm just thinking about coping strategies really, and I'm aware that it would be physically possible for somebody to lose a parent when, before that child has even been born, you know, a dad could pass away and they've never got to meet them. So, you know, there's a big span of age that we could be talking about. And I know your charity, It's Time, support people from 16 to 25. Thinking about coping strategies, my experiences of being around people who lost parents when they were in their primary or secondary years was they did seem to be more likely to use

recreational drugs and alcohol at an earlier age to test limits to act out against the system, to try and self-soothe or self-medicate themselves. I'm guessing supporting people 16 to 25. This is a typical age for exploration anyway, but it can leave people feeling quite untethered and without those kind of another stabilizing factors to kind of tell you no or to give you a reason to stay home and to be nurtured and loved. Like it's really hard growing young people and keeping them safe. But yeah, I think the loss of a parent, this can happen with separation relationships as well, but the permanent loss of a parent can be so destabilizing at a time when life is already destabilizing enough. Could we speak a little bit to, if you feel able to,

substances, ways of coping, and kind of trying to keep ourselves safe and knowing we don't need to punish ourselves really. I guess when you were just speaking about that, it did resonate a little bit. So my mum passed away in November 2011, hopefully I've got that right. And I went off to university kind of about the next year and I had a great time. I was drinking every night and having fun but you naturally do when you do go to university and you've got freedom for the first time. I was really bad at speaking to my dad so he got angry at me quite a lot because I might go a week without checking in on him and I think that was partly because one I'm in a new place, I've got new friends, I'm having fun at university

but two I had never really dealt with my grief, it had been less than a year since I lost my mum but that was at university and it was a struggle and now looking back I don't regret but I do appreciate that I'm it could have been so much worse if I hadn't had core things around me so I'm very lucky that I had my mum's friends and my aunties who almost took on that mother role and made sure I was okay. So just some feedback for anyone that's watching this, that is a mother figure of somebody that has lost a parent or a father figure that has lost a parent. Check in on that person. And I think it's very much appreciated if you kind of take them under your wing as well.

I had a core set of friends as well, who always checked in and we mentioned that a bit earlier. So I would say, I don't think you're ever gonna get away with trying to try and push in barriers when your parent dies, but I do think that the community that you have around you can certainly help you and help you deal with it in a better way. I was 16 years old when my dad died.

And yeah, I kind of was in a similar place in my life where I went to university. I had a good few years there. I was very, very lucky to have an incredible group of friends there which made it a lot easier. There was a lot of partying. And I've seen, I personally haven't ever done any drug abuse or anything like that. I wasn't part of my grief journey,

but I've seen and spoke to people who it has been and I think a lot of those people feel it's the solution at the time because of the short-term benefit it can bring but it's definitely not the longer-term benefit to help them in their place and I think I don't advise it, I never would. But there's a lot more accessibility and availability of that longer term support in today's world. I think back to when I was at uni in 2007, I don't think there was really the welfare areas, there wasn't the more mental health availability

of different options that students could go and get. So I think that with what is available in today's world, even social media brings, bring yes, there's a lot of negatives to it. But one of our main things is people being able to relate with a lot of social media stuff that we do at the charity. And I think sometimes, even if you lost a parent at five and you were now 25, there's things that you see and find online which gives you a little bit of a comfort blanket to maybe take a bit of a step in the door or even liking a social media post. It feels like you're part of something and I think back in the

day that wasn't really a thing so I think having that is a little bit of a comfort blanket for people to feel like they are part of a community. And it just built confidence for them to take steps into communicating more with other people, joining future events, sharing their story. But yeah, it is super difficult at the time, especially when you're in that short term mindset of thinking that nothing is going to ever make this better.

So I would take any opportunity I can get to try, but sometimes those choices aren't the right ones. And what I would say is speaking as a clinical psychologist who does lots of trauma work and does lots of grief work is that, yeah, it doesn't necessarily make it better. It doesn't kind of gaslight us into forgetting that it happened, but if we can work through any trauma aspects of this, using a therapy such as EMDR, so eye movement desensitization and reprocessing,

it means that the trauma elements lay flat so that we can think about those without tripping over them. Then we're just left with the grief elements, which many of my clients tell me they're all right with. Actually, they want to hold on to the grief. They don't want to hold on to the trauma. If you've lost a parent in sudden circumstances, you may even have been there. You may have witnessed it. You may have had to get involved in CPR or if you've witnessed somebody become very unwell. All of those things can be traumatic in themselves. And sometimes even how we get told about somebody dying, that can trip us up as a trauma and make us kind of fearful of answering the phone, for example. So if we can really empower ourselves and those around us to

really think about accessing treatment or therapy is not going to make you forget the person. It's not going to make you stop loving them. But if it helps you to live with a life where you are less dominated and consumed by pain that makes each day feel impossible, then it's absolutely worth doing. And then you're free to just navigate the grief. So let's just really be clear, what is grief and what is trauma? Because it might feel like it's all one in the same thing. But actually, if you find yourself going back to key moments that feel extra specially poignant and painful, that could be a key indication that's trauma.

And you don't always need to feel that level of intensity about that. And that can be changed. It's really interesting you say that, because I think, like, from my own personal experience and from individuals that I've spoken to in the past, is a lot of people give up sometimes once they've had one round of you know counseling for example or giving something to go to try and help with what they perceive is the problem behind losing a parent so my advice is always don't give up if something doesn't work the first time round take a

step back and try and work out what could help. Because like you say, you might be going to address problem A, but it's not actually problem A, that's the problem, it's problem B. And this is really, really interesting, you say that about you differentiate between different things that can happen in one moment. And I guess, Harry, just something that came into my mind when you were just speaking there, sometimes you might not be ready for it. So we've had situations sometimes where someone might reach out and their parent may have died a couple days ago. And sometimes you're not ready to actually really speak about that grief. And that's okay. But my story is a

little bit different because I remember when my mom died, went to university, had fun as I've mentioned before and then I tried some facilities at the university and went to one counseling session and was like this is not for me, never again and just gave up there and it was only years later that I thought, actually, let me see what this is about. And it actually did help. So I think everybody will, if you feel like you need services and help, it's when you're ready.

And don't let anyone tell you you're ready. You have to be ready yourself to get that help. A lot of what people give up sometimes is they don't really build a rapport with the other person on the other side of the table. And again, don't label the whole industry based on the fact that you couldn't build a rapport with one person because if you went again that rapport might get built and then it's completely different experience. These are individuals at the end of the day and they have personalities and you will click with one,

you won't click with the other. And if you do it first time, amazing, great, efficient. If you don't do it first time, you could do it the second time. Don't leave that as an unanswered question. Keep going, but again, take your time. You might wanna break, refresh, but just don't give up give up and you deserve that you deserve not to have one round the one round didn't work you deserve to get a second round if that doesn't work you

deserve it you keep going back until you've built that report and you're getting the outputs of what they're there for to help people on their journey. Absolutely so very important important. Thanks for that reminder. So let's hear a little bit about It's Time charity. What is it, how did it come about and what do you offer? It's Time charity and Harry, I think you touched on it a little bit earlier. Back in, and I don't know the dates,

but let's say the early 2010 sometime, you probably know the date, Harry. We identified that there was a gap in the market for people that have lost a parent between roughly the ages of 16 to 30. And it was that those individuals may not necessarily have the help in society. And so the charity was founded by a group of trustees. But essentially, we offer support to people that are in that category who have lost a parent. We offer a community, so we run things like walk and talk and meet and greet, which are essentially ones online ones walk in and essentially it's a base

for people to meet up and really talk about their grief and really relate to people that are going through something similar. We also have a walk in memory as well. So every year we do a walk in memory, you can walk for the person that you've lost. We help businesses write some of I guess their documents which can help people with grief and also charity aspects as well. So we do a lot of fundraising as well and also clinical therapy as well. We offer that a lot of fundraising as well and also clinical therapy as well. We offer that as well but in groups. We are looking to start doing individual but that will come hopefully soon. I guess Harry anything else you wanted to add? No you nailed that. I just think that the charity over the last few years of its existence has grown.

I'm really, really proud as a trustee to see it grow over the four years. But the reason why it's grown is because we put the people in our community first and we bring them also to the table. So we have volunteers who take up positions in the charity to help grow certain pillars of it, such as the DE&IBIT, marketing, the branding and corporate fundraisings. We then have an advisory panel who are all volunteers who have again a seat at the table and help us inform our strategy, the direction we want to go, tactics that we can put into place, products and services. We try and all work together to move it all in the right direction. And it is really, really, as I said, super proud to have seen where it's grown and the community that we've

built and there's options for everyone. Like I said, if someone wants to just like that Instagram photo and feel a part of it, they can do. People want to get involved and help grow and focus on certain things, host certain things, do things in their local area, they can. I feel we are a bit of a blank canvas where we can do anything within reason and we're not rigid to doing this and this and that's what's really exciting about us and the future is exciting. I'm really, really proud of the team we have as well and all the trustees and the staff members that we have to who work on the charity day in day out and whip us into shape when they need us. One thing I was just going to add is over the last let's say two years we've really grown through our social media platforms and one thing that has really resonated and

which I didn't really anticipate was how many people were actually impacted and how many people are actually going through this within the UK and it's rather it's it's really nice to see that the charity is helping these individuals find a safe space to discuss their grief and to meet people that are going through similar things. And hopefully we continue to grow as much as we have been. Thank you. What are your social media handles and where do you hang out and what's your website? The website which you can find us and all the information is at www.itstimecharity.co.uk. Similarly, you've got the Instagram handle, It's Time charity, and TikTok as well, which has been growing

as well. So those are the three main channels. Actually, I lie, we've also got LinkedIn, where you'll be able to find us on It's Time charity, which we are quite vocal in there as well. Amazing. Thank you. I love LinkedIn. It's my guilty pleasure. Thank you so much for your time, both of you, and for talking about something that I know is emotional, but it's so important. And kudos to you guys for doing what you do with It's Time because, yeah, it really does validate people. And like you say, there's not anything else out there, you know, that's similar. You guys are it. So if people want to donate money, can they do that via your website as well?

Yes, there's a direct link. You can click through and can donate. Great. Thank you so much for your time. Wishing you well with your impending nuptials, Hannah, and with everything that comes with you, Harry. Thank you very much. It's a pleasure to be here. Really, really appreciate it. It was lovely talking. Amazing. No, thank you very much and really appreciate it speaking today with you. Thank you. Thank you so much for your time in watching this episode and to Harry and Hannah for speaking with us. If you do rate this episode

it would mean the world if you would like it, if you would subscribe, if you'd follow the show, if you drop a comment let's start a wave of compassion in the comments on YouTube if this resonates with you because you have lost a parent in your young adulthood. I would love it if you would let us know and let us know if we've hit the mark for you today or if you think there's other areas we should have and could have covered. Please do go along and give the guys at It's Time charity a follow on TikTok and on LinkedIn and on Instagram and do check out their website. If you've got any spare money and you'd like to support the cause, please do. If you would like to feel supported in your grief, don't forget there's also the Grief Collective

book which gets wonderful reviews and really does help expand these conversations on grief too. If you rate any creator anywhere, the kindest thing you can do for free is to subscribe or follow their show. So please, if you do enjoy this content, please do consider doing that for me now. With this podcast that you'll sign, you'll be on your way to being qualified It's the Aspiring Psychologist Podcast With Dr. Mary Entret