The Aspiring Psychologist Podcast - It's Okay To Mourn What You Missed Out On - Inner Work

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hi, I'm Max and a work as an assistant psychologist in the Learning Disability Service in West Yorkshire. Like most people working in psychology, I'm slowly but surely working myself up to that seemingly impossible goal of getting onto the clinical doctorate. With that angle in mind, I thought I'd have a look at what's out there and see what books might be helpful for this. I came across Marianne's book, The Clinical Psychologist Collective, and decided that this would be a great for me to help me on my journey. I found Marianne's book really informative, most insightful.

Starting point is 00:00:37 I especially liked how the story has reassured me that you don't need to be academically perfect to become a psychologist, and that as long as you have good interpersonal skills, such as compassion and empathy, you will get there. I would highly recommend this book to all aspiring psychologists, and also those who want to know a bit more about the world of clinical psychology and maybe want to work in that field one day. Hi, welcome along to inner work. I'm Dr. Marianne Trent. Thank you for being here. So the episode on the dog poo bags is that one that you've got to grips with yet. Basically, we're talking about people pleasing. And I thought it would be really interesting to explore maybe some of the grief that can come about as we begin to really

Starting point is 00:01:27 reflect on on some of the things we might well have missed out on because of the way we've been parented or the way that you've been treated in relationships by past or present partners and you know when you develop that insight and when I've been working with clients who've developed that insight that maybe their experiences haven't been the same as other people there really can be that really powerful grief reaction for what you've missed out on. So grief, as you might well know, is not always linked to, you know, the death or dying of someone or something. It can be what you've missed out on. And we saw this first begin to be spoken about publicly around the

Starting point is 00:02:20 pandemic time when people were missing out on the weddings they'd imagined or not being able to have baby showers for very longed-for babies or maybe even having to delay having a child at all, not being able to be with people that they would want to spend time and connect with. And the idea that it could be not for someone that had died, you know, really felt like it was an important kind of cultural realisation, really. And so, yeah, you absolutely are able and allowed to, to be empowered, to grieve for something that you realise you've lost out on or haven't experienced that you would have wanted to. And, you know, sometimes when I'm working with clients who've been through challenging upbringings, sometimes we just think about what would have been the minimum thing that actually would have helped make your life better.

Starting point is 00:03:19 And sometimes it's just like, actually, I would have really great to have a grandparent who was a safe person or even just a neighbour who was a friendly face that cared about me that was kind to me consistently and that I knew that I didn't have to second guess. And sometimes we'll get stories where people are like, actually, there was a teacher at school, you know, maybe when I was at primary school or even when I was at secondary school that I always knew was going to be. pleased to see me and, you know, would have time to spend with me. And that was really, you know, really important to me and helped me to show up in all of the trickier aspects of my life because that was enough. And sometimes it's really sad. People haven't been able to have those figures. And what we will do during therapy work is we will do a little bit of re-scripting so that they have these kind of hero figures that they can almost reintegrate with what actually happened so that it feels like it lays flatter for them. And that isn't the

Starting point is 00:04:30 same as kind of deceiving yourself or kind of lying. That is just if you've got things, stopping things from laying stuck, then that must be a very important communication from a younger part of yourself. And so it's just helping to soothe that younger part with your more grown-up self to help you know that it's okay. And when we're able to do that, then those younger parts, the scared vulnerable kind of parts might not need to drive the bus in the way that they have been in the past. And I think a really powerful idea from kind of the episode with Nicole is that idea that actually it's safe for me to have boundaries and if it isn't safe, if the relationships or friendships that I'm in or colleague relationships that I'm in

Starting point is 00:05:27 cannot kind of stress test me saying no to you, then actually there might well be the fact that We need to end those relationships, end those jobs, end those friendships so that you can be around people where you're allowed to have your own wants, needs and desires met and to know that that isn't selfish. You might have been told that you're selfish or too self-focused, but that might well have been because you weren't allowing that other person to have their needs met. But it doesn't mean that your needs were never valid in the first place. I would love your thoughts on this. Please do let me know in the comments and thank you for being here as a member of Inner Work. If there are any topics you'd like me to discuss in future, please don't hesitate to let me know.

Starting point is 00:06:26 Otherwise, I'll be back along with the next episode next week. Take care. My name's Jana and I'm a trainee psychological well-being practitioner. I read the clinical psychologist collective book. I found it really interesting about all the different stories and how people got to become a clinical psychologist. It just amazed me how many different routes there are to get there and there's no perfect way to become one. And this kind of filled me of confidence that, no, I'm not doing it wrong and put less pressure on myself.

Starting point is 00:07:08 So if you're feeling a bit uneasy about becoming a clinical psychologist, I'd definitely recommend this just to put yourself at ease and everything will be okay. But trust me, you will not put the book down once you start.

The Aspiring Psychologist Podcast - It's Okay To Mourn What You Missed Out On - Inner Work

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