The Aspiring Psychologist Podcast - The Hidden Trauma of Male Rape | Consent, Myths & Healing

Episode Date: November 3, 2025

Male rape remains one of the most silenced and misunderstood forms of sexual trauma. In this powerful episode of The Aspiring Psychologist Podcast, Dr Marianne Trent speaks with Connor Whiteley, clinical psychology master’s student and host of The Psychology World Podcast, who courageously shares his lived experience of male sexual violence.Together, they explore the realities of male rape, the consent myths that keep survivors silent, and why understanding shame and recovery is vital for healing. The conversation tackles misconceptions about erections, freezing during assault, and why men often struggle to seek help or report what has happened.Connor also shares his recovery journey — from denial and panic attacks to seeking specialist trauma therapy — and offers practical advice for survivors, mental-health professionals, and allies.This episode sheds light on a taboo topic and invites us to build a culture of compassion, safety, and understanding for all survivors of sexual trauma. Whether you’re a psychologist, therapist, trainee, student, or survivor, this conversation will deepen your insight into consent, trauma, and healing.Content note: We discuss sexual violence in clear, respectful language. Please take care while listening. If you need support, consider contacting SARSAS, SurvivorsUK, Rape Crisis England & Wales, or your local service.Timestamps: 00:00 – Introduction: Breaking the silence on male rape01:08 – Safety warning and trigger guidance02:32 – How common is male sexual violence?05:00 – Media representation and harmful myths06:57 – Understanding the freeze response07:44 – Why “enthusiastic consent” matters09:15 – Challenging stereotypes and gender myths11:18 – The truth about erections and consent13:33 – Therapeutic reflections and global examples15:42 – Healing, therapy, and coping strategies19:46 – Integrating trauma into recovery20:47 – Reporting to police and physical aftercare21:45 – De-shaming and self-compassion in recovery24:45 – Final reflections and resourcesLinks:📲 www.connorwhiteley.net/podcast📚Healing Sexual Trauma Workbook by Erika Shershun: https://amzn.to/48DMaxn📚 Books by Connor Whiteley: https://amzn.to/47f6Zgc🫶 To support me by donating to help cover my costs for the free resources I provide click here: https://the-aspiring-psychologist.captivate.fm/support📚 To check out The Clinical Psychologist Collective Book: https://amzn.to/3jOplx0 📖 To check out The Aspiring Psychologist Collective Book: https://amzn.to/3CP2N97 💡 To check out or join the aspiring psychologist membership for just £30 per month head to: https://www.goodthinkingpsychology.co.uk/membership-interested🖥️ Check out my brand new short courses for aspiring psychologists and mental health professionals here: https://www.goodthinkingpsychology.co.uk/short-courses✍️ Get your Supervision Shaping Tool now:

Male rape is one of the most stigmatised and silenced traumas in our society. Too many survivors are left believing there alone, when in fact their pain might be tragically more common than most of us might realise. In this episode, I'm joined by Connor to break that silence. Together we'll talk about the realities of male rape, why consent and shame matter so deeply, and what we can all do to better support survivors. I'm Dr. Marianne, a qualified clinical psychologist and if you'd like to understand to support or to heal, you're in the right place. Please like, subscribe, comment and share so this vital

conversation can reach more people. Hi, welcome along to the aspiring psychologist podcast. I am Dr. Marianne Trent and I'm a qualified clinical psychologist and I'm joined here today by a fellow podcaster actually. Connor Whiteley, welcome along. Hi, I'm Marion and I thank you for life having me. So I'm a clinical psychology master's student and I'm also the host of the Psychology World Podcast and I'm really looking forward to getting into our conversation today. Me too. But I think before we do, if we just do a little bit of kind of safety and housekeeping, obviously with the nature of our topic today, if someone is listening or watching and there's young ears around, I think probably now is not the most appropriate time for them to

engage with this episode. If you're in a car and you've got kids in the car, I think this is one to come back to. Maybe skip along to the next episode or the most, the previous one, choose this one a little bit later because it is a big topic. It does matter. It's really important. But we do have to do a little bit of a trigger warning that because we're talking about sexual violence, if maybe somebody even is not feeling strong enough to engage with the content themselves right now, we can absolutely give them permission to come back to this later or maybe skip this one altogether, can't we, Connor? Yeah, definitely, though, because this is a really hard topic and at the end of the day, we just want you to be like over okay and protect

your own mental health. Yeah, absolutely. So can we talk a little bit about male sexual violence and how prevalent that is? Because some people might live in this. where they think that that's not a thing or that that's certainly not happening maybe in the UK. Could you talk to us a little bit about that, Connor? Yeah, definitely. So before I was raped, like in, yes, yep, like in April, 20 or 24, I also thought that it doesn't happen that often. Women are the only people who tend to get raped and they tend to suffer like a sexual violence. But as I was researching it more, because my own mental health was starting to deterior, I realised this is actually like a lot more

common. So some of the statistics that I found, but especially when it comes to like university students, is about 13% of all university students will experience some form of like sexual violence. When we focus on like a postgrad student, 2.5% of a male students will egg experience at sexual violence in their time at the university. But if we look at undergrad students, this actually increases to 6.8%. And the reason why this is in Portland, even though with this just sounds like single-digit figures, is that if we think about the hundreds of thousands of people that go to university across the Western world, this is still tens upon tens of thousands of different students. So, but this is a massive issue, especially when we start to think about

the stark negative mental health implications, like the oppression and anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, amongst other mental health difficulties. Yeah, and it's just, you know, the trauma of it. this might involve physical trauma, but certainly the psychological fallout of this as well. And I'm sorry to hear of your experiences and thank you for pitching this episode to me. It's really important and I hope that it feels okay for you to discuss this. It was a topic I'd first become aware of when I was at university actually. And I was a big fan at the time of a Channel 4 show called Hollyoaks. And at the time there was a character called Luke and he ended up being raped and it was shocking and violent and it really led to that character exploring and experiencing, you know, so many different things.

You know, he was in a relationship with some, with a female at the time and it led to him changing in that relationship and changing how outgoing and confident he was. and, you know, the shame and the blame and the guilt. This really can affect people on all levels, can't it, Connor? Yeah, definitely. And the thing that I found so surprising was after what happened to me, was that there's not a single area of your life that isn't affected from an example. Like, I also used to be really out there, yes, like outgoing, confident. I could like go into like any rumor.

and I'm also all autistic. So yes, I needed to be like a bit performative to be extradited at times. So I could do that and I was happy. But after I was raped, my Angazia T-Ped and I could like go out. But at the end of the day, because I was so fearful that I would get rape day again,

it would just be a like real struggle. And I would end up having like a panic attacks and just a like mental breakdown as soon as I got home. But it's also interesting that you should mention like Holyoaks because after you mentioned it in our emails, like Google did. And it's absolutely brilliant that it's getting that representation. But it does feed into some quite problematic myths about male or sexual violence and, to be on, like, sexual violence as a whole,

because there's this big idea that when you're raped, you're fighting, you're screaming, you're kicking, you're punching. And this myth goes for females and male were survivors. But in a reality, the vast majority of a people don't fight, punch and, like, kick their way out of some people. And this is not a good way at, like, a phrase is simply let it happen. But in a reality, it's the fawn response. So you've got the fight, flight, and the fawn response, where you were just like freeze that up because, yes, and like, this is what happens to about, like, 90% of our survivors, including my, well, my self, though. So it's good that we've got this media representation that's raising aware.

but it doesn't have to be afflict about what happens in reality. I'm with you, yeah. And thank you for helping make that distinction for us, that actually what we're looking at is it's a lack of consent, actually. And it doesn't always mean, you know, physical violence or restraint. But it's, I really think that the powerful video by Thames Valley Police it's called T and Consent, and I would urge anybody, urge anybody, whatever reason you're watching this podcast for, I would urge anybody to check that

out on YouTube. I will link that in the show notes and in the description. It's so important that actually we are really being clear about explicitly, about a consent. It's so important. And actually, even if halfway through whatever's happening, maybe you consent it to begin with, but then you change your mind and you don't want to do that anymore. That's you withdrawing consent and that should be honoured and respected. So thank you for making that distinction, Connor. Yeah, like you're welcome. Welcome. But also building a upon the idea of con assent. Yes, like T is a really good video. But what I also learned, as I was re-covering, it was the idea of in a

enthusiastic connessent because like sometimes you might just say yes out of fear. So that's and that is not con assent. That is you saying yes because you're scared about what if you say no, will the other person hurt you? What will they do with something even worse? Even worse. This is where the idea of in a fusciastic concessant comes in, though. So like if you're having sex or if you're doing a, well, if you're doing a like a sexual act, then it's important that when your partner says yes, they're actually really want to do it, they're in a fusiastic, they're excited, excited.

So that's another in appalling the extinction. It really is. And actually, yeah, it kind of enters into kind of coercive control, which is a really, really powerful episode I did with Chrissy Roberts a few months ago. And really, you know, we want to make sure that both parties want to be there, are consenting to that and are in control of when it happens and when it doesn't happen. Yeah, so again, a really important, a really important point. And I know in the last few years, baby reindeer was a viral Netflix sensation. And that had a storyline around male rape as well, didn't it, Connor? Yeah, definitely. So I wasn't able to like see that because, yeah, because this shouldn't be a like surprise to anyone. But after you've been, right, you actually can't watch anything with any of like references at like sex and like sexual triggers. But this morning, I did do a quick like a Google. And I have heard that it's like really a good. But the thing. that I like about this is that it does show that women that can also be sexual predators and perpetrators of like sexual violence because that's another like a massive myth in

society because whenever we tend to think about victim which I think is very disenpowering negative term for someone who's actually gone through a sexual violence yeah so like when we think about victims we always tend to think of them as like women and the term a victim has some very negative connotations because it implies that you're weak, you're broken, you're messed up, which is not helpful as aspiring site ecologists. And as a part of our job, when it comes to, like, supporting those

who have been through sexual trauma, is that sense of empowerment, again, and that self-confidence. Confidence at all. And then when we think about the term perpetrator, because of the myths in a society, we tend to think that it's exclusive males who reckon that be perpetrators.

So that's why programs like baby a reindeer are really a useful, because it helps to affect those stereotypes and those myths. Yeah, exactly. I think there was a moment where she kind of, I think she groped him. And yeah, but I think the male sexual violence was actually male to male in that. But I could absolutely understand why that's not something that you're going to seek out. I absolutely understand that.

Okay. And I think another myth we want to bust as well is, is about erections. and what that might say or not say about someone, whether they're consenting, whether they're up for it, whether they want it. What would you have to say about that, Conor? Yeah, so when I would say, like, to your nature, I remember this, like, conversation with some of my friends.

And so they did basically turn around and say that, oh, well, I meant that I can't be evaded because if they get an eviction, then they want it. And at the time, I was like, that can't be right, but I didn't challenge it. because I was young and they were my friends. But then after what happened to me, like, because you do get an eviction, because it's a physiological process which you can't control.

It is simply a biological process that will happen, or whether you're actually sexually aroused or not. It makes you really confuse. It makes you a question, oh wait, did I enjoy that? Was I asking for that? And it brings up so many of these really distressing questions,

which when you combine or with other myths about in a society and the lack of conversation around male sexual violence is really difficult and it only compounds your trauma. But to answer your question, I would just say that a election and even ejaculation is, it does not mean that you're in adjoining. It does not mean that you're consenting. It is simply a biological process which will happen whatever the case. Yeah. And I think that's a really powerful message to make, actually. And I know from my experiences of working clinically that often rape is used against people of every gender in war and as a way of kind of an act of violence and to kind of break people psychologically and break their spirit in

war. So I've often worked with people who have been raped as a result of being a political prisoner or kind of just as a part of kind of, you know, military coups or, you know, whatever, like people have come in and, you know, the stories come with, you know, the men they came, they came to the village and then the stories there, therefore, that unfold are horrendous. A real privilege to do that work. But actually, when I've worked with men in that situation, they have maybe never told anybody and they might have had years of mental health work. You know, they might have had lots and lots of work with immigration and kind of seeking asylum and lots of people asking questions, but I've never felt able to share that.

And then it's only when they're in my therapy room that actually I help them to bridge the gaps and join the dots. And I almost tell them stories actually sometimes people who've been to situations like this have had maybe things like this have happened to them. And they almost can't go there straight away. But we work and we work and we work. and then they're able to have a really important process of being deshamed. And I'm able to help do that psychoeducation, exactly like you did, really.

We're saying, actually, sometimes when a penis is touched, it will get harder. And sometimes if it's touched with enough, you know, enthusiasm, an orgasm, an ejaculation will happen. And sometimes people can have a lot of shame about their body doing that, because then it gives them mixed messages of did I enjoy that? because that's the ultimate sign of enjoyment, but no, you know, you didn't consent for that happen to happen. This is just, this is just what bodies do. And the same thing happens with females as well, you know, when a clitoris is touched, that can respond and it can, it can feel nice even though it's not something you're consenting to. So I really want to just, yeah, open up and reinforce and enforce that narrative that, you know, someone might even say,

well, you enjoyed it. You know, you came, didn't you? That is not consent. That is still something that is not wanted. Really, really important messages. Yeah, definitely. I thank you for sharing that, Mabia. And I'm really sorry that your clients went through that because that is just awful and I understand what they've been through but that's just like having that open a space is a really important so I thank you for providing that with your clients yeah absolutely can we think about you know what sort of things will help somebody who's been through been through violence like this you know is it is it community is it friendships is it family is it therapy what's your idea about the sort of things that can help Connor so I would say that

there's so many different factors that can help but i would say that there are like a few different areas which are flat out a critical threat like rape a saliva so in terms of the person them ourselves they're myself though so initially there will be a massive denial period period though at least in my egg experience because after what happened to me happened for the first two days i was like nope nothing's happened i'm just overreacting my body's just betraying me i don't know why i'm having these a panic attacks and i'm troubled um sleeping but you're just in complete denial and then something else that you might act like experience and besides the like post-traumatic stress disorder the depression

and the other negative mental health symptoms is that you don't want to allow yourself to fill with the emotions because let's face it the emotions and processing what happened to you is awful it's really distressing the stress network so that can make it really a difficult. So sometimes you in like gauging, like strategies to either keep yourself really busy so you don't have to think about the emotions. And that's what I did. You're also in engaging like strategies which help blunt the emotions. So I know that some people feel with the need to drink a lot of like alcohol or like I do with drugs. And yes, these are maladaptive coping mechanisms and we do need to see a port to like break these. But the saliva is just a,

it's just a doing everything that they possibly can to survive. life to survive though. So knowing that it's really in appalling that you do seek out mental health and psychological therapy because like a therapist will be able to like help you work you will help you work through with your trauma and also do with just like her give you with the like tips and the strategies are that you need to be able to like in approval your life deacres decrease your psychological de-a-stress and integrate the trauma into your life because unfortunately, and if you've experienced sexual trauma, you will just want it gone.

You will never want to have this, and you would quite happily just forget it for the rest of your life. But unfortunately, let's not have trauma works and the healthier option. And the option that I'm really starting to appreciate more in my life is that you can just integrate it. You work through it, it's just like it's in the rear of the mirror. So it's happened to you, but it's no longer controlling you. And if you've been through a sexual violence,

then me just saying that sounds absolutely impossible because for the seven months it took me at a hill, I thought that I would never heal. I thought I would never get into a relationship, etc. But by working with a counsellor, who was a rape specialist, then that was really helpful. Also, as an aspiring clinical,

ecologist. I knew that asthmatic work, so working with body wasn't important. For example, during anxiety, the psychoeducation between like, um, in that, yes, against the feeling of anxiety and the like sweaty hands and the physical sensations. I knew that was important, but it was only after my trauma work that I realized, oh, my body is the thing that's a freaking out, It's the processor that's gone a bit at a wall, and my nervous system is overreacting to a most stimuli. So that's

why it was really useful, whether I learned some of my self-soofing techniques like Boxer breathing. So you breathe in for four, you hoe for four, then you breathe out for four form, and then, yeah, and then like you keep at doing that until it activates your parasympathetic nervous

system and you feel a karma, though. And then like there's a lot of like other techniques that I really do recommend. And there's a brilliant book that helped me. It's called Healing a Sexual Trauma Worker Book by Everker, Sherman. So that's some of the tips and tricks that I would recommend an individual. Thank you. I'll make sure I link to that in the description and the show notes. I'm pleased that you've been able to work through that. And I'm pleased that actually you've been able to do that in seven months as well. That is not prescriptive everyone else will have a different time frame and depending on speed of access to

services that will be different but yeah please do reach out for mental health support if you feel that would be helpful and I guess it would be remiss of me to not talk about kind of reporting this as a crime to the police as well and that actually you know you can do that at any point you know you could be 104 and be like actually I would like to talk about this thing that happened to me And I think often, you know, there's been lots of things in the media about kind of people working in, you know, who's choir boys or, you know, as choristers and kind of organised religion and, you know, that actually you might have been younger when this happens as well. But it's, you know, it's not okay. It's not okay. It's not okay. So, yeah, this can be reported as a crime and actually should be if you feel like you've got the resolve for that at that time. but also you might have been physically injured. And so you might need to, you know, go to accident and an emergency

to help them care for any wounds that you might not even be able to see, but actually things might be very painful. And we just made to make sure that actually you're all right. And they will, of course, understand that you're going to be really upset and distressed, but they will try to care for you as sensibly as they can to make sure that your body is receiving the treatment that it needs to heal as well. So I know these are really, really difficult conversations, but I just really want to try and de-shame this process. It's not your fault that this happened to you, but

you do deserve for your body to be healed and ultimately for your mind to be able to be healing again too. Yeah, definitely. And one of my favorite quotes from the book was something along at the lines of, it's not your fault because you couldn't have prevented it. And when I read that, I was like, oh wow, that's really true. That's really a powerful. Yeah, powerful, though. And also, like, a building A upon the idea of reporting it was that, thankfully, there are lots more people coming forward to report their sexual violence. And on the news, we tend to see lots of cases, which, thankfully, have been, I found guilty. And as a survivor, I love seeing that. I'm really happy for those of people, because it shows that all of our survivors are really empowered, strong, and we're all just in incredible. But during the worst of my mental health, those news reports also make me cry and a bit de-stressed because I didn't decide to report my assault and my rape to the police. And I know that the vast majority of a people don't either. And I think that it's also good to have a conversation about that because as a survivor, you can also feel really guilty about not reporting it. But it's understandable and like it's okay because also as aspiring society

colleges, we were to hear about secondary traumatisation. It's when the courts, the police and the whole criminal justice system as a whole can actually be traumatise you. So that was one of the reasons why I didn't want to press the charges and I didn't want to go to the police, but also the masculinity point of the because I didn't want to go to the police. I didn't, I was also really scared of being laughed at because of the. the massive societal myths of that men don't get raped. They can't be survivors and nothing

could ever happen to them. So that's something that I was quite scared about. And also, like, because of the situation and because of the exact nature of what happened to me, there was no physical evidence, evidence though, which is something that's quite appalling in like prosecutions. So there's a lot of different factors. But ultimately, it's your choice. You are the only person who actually has the right to decide. you want to press the charges or not. And if you do, then you are amazing. More power to you. I wish you the best of luck. But equally, if you don't, then that's okay. You're still amazing. You're still stronger because you survived. Thank you, Connor. That was really sensitively handled.

And of course, I will make sure that the relevant help lines and bits and pieces are on screen and in the show notes as well. Thank you for bringing this issue to me in the podcast and for allowing us to talk. about this. It's a really important narrative. I would really love it if people are watching on YouTube, if they can like, if they can comment, if they can show some support to this really important topic. And similarly, if you're on Spotify, you can actually drop in comments and questions and answers there as well. Thank you again so much for your time, Connor. It's a really valuable conversation. Yeah, thank you, like Mavien, I have me, like, it's been like a really fun. I love your

podcast. It's a brilliant. Thank you for sharing it. Oh, thank you. And if people want to learn more about you and your podcast, how can they do that, Connor? Then thank you. So my podcast is the PsychologyWy podcast, available on all major podcast apps and YouTube. And every Monday, we cover a brand new site ecology topic, whether it's clinical psychology, cognitive psychology, or a whole other area. And if you want to check out my books, then they're also available on all major ebook retailers.

And you can also order them from your local life. and Amazon. And my sexual violence focus books are including breaking the silence. So this is more in affirmation and is a built very nicely on like a today's podcast episode. If you want to hear more about my personal journey and the stuff that I experience, then there's a book coming out called I Am a Survivor, Not a Victim. And then the last one is Healing as a Survivor, which focuses specifically on my accounting sessions and everything that I went through as I healed from sexual violence. Very personal books, but I love them. Okay, good. And I will make sure that there's links to those in the description and show notes as well. Great. So people can check out the

Psychology World podcast, wherever they get their podcast, and I believe you're on YouTube as well, aren't you, Connor? Yes. Perfect. Thank you for your time and yeah, wishing you the best with everything in future. Thank you, Maria. Bye everyone. Thank you so much to my guest, Connor, for speaking with us about this really important, sensitive topic. I hope you found it helpful. Whether you are watching or listening, you can show your support to the podcast and to this episode. If you are listening on Apple Podcasts,

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