The Aspiring Psychologist Podcast - Why One Piece of Criticism Can Make You Question Everything

Starting point is 00:00:00 Someone gives you one piece of criticism about your work and suddenly you're not just thinking about that one thing you got wrong, you're thinking maybe I'm just not very good at this. Why does feedback about something we've done quickly spiral into a judgment about who we are? And how do we stop one difficult conversation making us question our entire work competence? I'm Dr Marianne Trent and this is in a work. In my most recent long form video, we were talking about fitness to practice at work. And I spoke about an incident where I had been a trainee, where I got some feedback about my work. And it was really, really challenging. So if you are going through this at the moment, I'm sending you my solidarity.

Starting point is 00:00:50 You might well find that it kind of erode your confidence in so many different areas of life. maybe it really kind of makes you feel like you show up differently in so many of your relationships. And I would say that that can be pretty normal, especially if you know that you find criticism or rejection difficult. There's something called rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which is common in people with ADHD, which can make that feedback feel extra, extra challenging, can make you just want to run away, quit, bury your head. What we need to do is we need to try and stay kind of present in the moment. We need to try and stop our brains from spiraling off into the distance and catastrophizing. So we need to sometimes just have a moment. Take a breath. Drop those shoulders. In through the nose,

Starting point is 00:01:52 out through the mouth, in through the nose, out through the mouth. Try and make sure you're breathing right to the bottom of your lungs, in through the nose, out through the mouth. Now we want to be tuning in to what thoughts you're having and just separating them a little bit because at the moment they are likely presenting themselves to you as facts. And I would anticipate that they are not yet facts. They are kind of swirling, whirling, troubling, troubling thoughts that are running away with themselves. So when we have a thought like, oh, I'm going to fail or I'm going to be sacked or I'm going to lose my house or I'm not going to be able to afford my rent and everyone's going to think that I'm awful and I'm going to feel humiliated and I'm not

Starting point is 00:02:55 going to qualify with the rest of my cohort or, you know, everyone else is going to get to the next pay ban before me. It spirals, it spirals. We just need to take a moment to just add in the phrase, I'm having the thought that, because then it can separate it from that fact. I'm having the thought that other people will be on a bigger payband than me sooner. I'm having the thought that everyone else will say X, Y, Z or think bad things about me. And we just pair that with some breath. And we also talk to someone who actually we think is, generally speaking, kind of on our team, but usually kind of balanced.

Starting point is 00:03:47 And it might be someone that you often go to for advice. It might be your supervisor. It might be your partner. It might be, you know, a parent. It might be a sibling. It might be, you know, an aunt or an uncle. But someone that genuinely usually helps you find like a safe port in the storm. So it's important that you kind of overcome any shame reaction that you might have for yourself about sharing this with others.

Starting point is 00:04:14 Because actually what I know from my own personal experience of this, but also my own clinical experience of supporting others through really challenging times, is that when we take control from shame and kind of control that narrative, it really can help make things feel much more manageable. With that in mind, if you have had some criticism about your work that might need further investigation or that you might even feel is unjust, it can be helpful to reach out to your union if there is a union in your area of work. And even if you're not currently a member of your union, you might want to consider joining a union. and then I think often they have criteria that they won't help with any direct case that you've got until after three months of you being a member. But you might be like, this might go slightly longer than that.

Starting point is 00:05:14 And so it might be something that you want to kind of take on to kind of see how it rumbles through, but it might be there for you in future. I have been in a union when I worked for local government. I don't think I was in a union at any point since, but it might well be something that you find helpful. And sometimes people even forget that they are part of a union, they just see it come out of their pay slip and they kind of don't think any more about it. So just check whether you might already be a member. It might be that there's also well-being support available and that you might find it helpful to reach out to your HR department too. I do of course understand how reaching out to people at work can feel like.

Starting point is 00:05:57 it makes things worse and it kind of makes things more official but of course we do again need to just check in with the thoughts and the facts distinction again so you might have had feedback from one person and you might have that swirling brain that's kind of assuming that everybody else thinks that about you and actually much earlier in my career I received some feedback and kept it to myself and I shouldn't have done because it was just one erroneous person's feedback and opinion and it wasn't when I later shared that with someone it wasn't the opinion held by other people that were close to me and in my team so yeah it's difficult because I know when there's power

Starting point is 00:06:46 imbalances you know you feel like you know I'm just this person and they are that person but it might just be that individual difference between you and it might it might it might not be fact, okay, but we we do often kind of deal in black and white, fact or fiction, yes and no. So just trying to create a little bit of distance between you and what you're feeling can be really, really important. I think it can also be helpful when it comes to criticism or feedback to kind of be measurable and specific, kind of having a look at maybe what we call our smart goals so specific measurable achievable realistic and time frame and and to think well what actually could I change that would make this difference sometimes we

Starting point is 00:07:36 can be so kind of upset about the feedback that we maybe can't tune into some of that as maybe there's some element of that that is true maybe we could you know benefit from a little bit more structure maybe we could benefit from a little bit more discussion before we kind of leap headlong into things. Maybe we could benefit from just slowing down, taking a breath, letting things unfold. But sometimes it can make us feel that we can't do any of that and that all of that person's feedback and criticism is wrong. There might be elements of that that actually you can digest and that do sit better with you over time, even if not immediately. I think again it's important to think about not making this and I'll show them.

Starting point is 00:08:22 you know, I'll prove them vendetta. I guess just try and keep this as contained as you can, but be honest with the people that care about you, the people around you, and know that this will pass. We can be so tied up in our work, kind of professional identity as also being ourselves, our personal identity.

Starting point is 00:08:43 I know I'm the position as a clinical psychologist, but yeah, kind of leaning into some of the things that are outside of your professional identity, such as exercise, such as time with your friends, can be really, really important in helping you weather the storm. I would love your thoughts about this. What are you going through right now? Please do drop me a comment.

Starting point is 00:09:06 Please also do let me know whether you're enjoying these deeper dive inner work episodes. I would love to know. If you have enjoyed this one, I think you'll also enjoy this one. the Inner Work episode on self-optimisation versus self-acceptance and kind of getting that balance right. So do check that one out. The next episode of Inner Work will be available. Wherever you get your podcasts and on YouTube at 8pm UK time on Wednesday. Thanks for being part of my world. I'll see you soon. Take care.

The Aspiring Psychologist Podcast - Why One Piece of Criticism Can Make You Question Everything

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