The Aspiring Psychologist Podcast - Why We Believe Rejection So Quickly (And What To Do Instead)

Starting point is 00:00:00 My name is Diakalola Amujum. I am a recent psychology graduate from Ireland. I am also an aspiring clinical psychologist. Dr. Marion's book, The Clinical Psychologist Collective, has been so helpful to me on this journey to becoming a clinical psychologist. As I plan to continue postgraduate studies in the UK, I found it extremely useful that this book provided in-depth information on the UK. the Clean Sight application process. I enjoyed reading about the experiences of both qualified

Starting point is 00:00:37 and training clinical psychologists. The various narratives were my favorite part of the book, as everyone's story was different and it provided amazing insights into the clinical psychology journey. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone interested in psychology and aspires to become a clinical psychologist. How many times have you been told no and it's changed the direction of your life. A relationship breakup, a disappointing email, someone not offering you a job. But what if the first answer isn't always the right answer? Today I want to explore the psychology of hearing no, why we're so quick to believe it and why sometimes asking just one more question can change everything. I'm Dr. Marianne Trent. Welcome to Inner Work.

Starting point is 00:01:34 I think that one of the reasons that it hurts so bad to be told, is if we really go back to our very early brain roots, being kind of a mammal community, being accepted by others is very much key to our survival. So when we are shunned, when we're told no, when there's boundaries are put in place, it can make us feel really vulnerable and very much a threat. So I think it activates that kind of sense of danger. I'm a youngest child, and I do think there's something a little bit linked to bird. order here as well because my youngest child who's just turned 10 he will hear no he doesn't

Starting point is 00:02:19 really take that as a final offer if he's not happy with that he will go on and on and on and on wearing me down until eventually I'll be right okay we'll do that thing it isn't constant and I am aware that it's that intermittent reinforcement that is the hardest thing to break, so I probably have made that rod for my own back. And what we're not talking about here is we're not talking about breaking people down, kind of if they said no to wanting to be intimately involved with you or kind of pursuing anything sexually. So please, obviously, no, often does mean no. That's not what we're talking about here. Whilst I do try and teach people that no is a complete sentence, it rarely is just said so succinctly. And even when it is, our brain will often

Starting point is 00:03:09 provide other reasons that may or may not be true. You know, you're not good enough, you're too old, you're too young, you know, you're too tall, you're too short, you're too something else, you know, you're never going to get there. This was your only chance that can make this one know that you're given really snowball and you can kind of very easily become your own worst inner critic. So, I know it's difficult when I get emails or news that is different than what I want, because actually when we want something, you know, we've done our best to ask for it, to have our needs met, and then someone goes,

Starting point is 00:03:47 no, no, this is not for you, this is not your path for destiny. You're like, I wanted that, I really wanted that. And, you know, but also it can just make us feel like, yeah, critical and hurt. And I find that rather than reacting straight away, giving myself some time to let that percolate, through, I am, I think, on balance, quite creative and sometimes just giving me a couple of days to have a think around something and to maybe come up with a different way, a different proposal, a different way of doing something that still meets my needs, but maybe helps others kind of

Starting point is 00:04:28 see why this would be a really good idea. That can be really helpful in work situations. Now, obviously, you don't want to be the one that, like my 10-year-old son, is going on and on and on. So it's about picking the balance, picking the battles that are right for you to fight for. And I think this episode really came up for me because of the conversation I had with Esther Tio about the BPS equivalence route where she was initially told, no, you haven't met the criteria. But actually when she dug a little deeper, she realized that the wrong email had been responded to. They just hadn't really grasped what it was that she was asking. And it had been a case of basically computer says no because the humans have.

Starting point is 00:05:08 hadn't really seen for the meaning, because I think it is still quite uncommon as a root. So I think, yeah, just be really clear that what you are being turned down for is what you actually applied for. Does it make sense? Or does some of the phraseology, you're like, hmm, I'm not sure that I think there was maybe a miscommunication here. So it's always makes sense to have a read of it. Maybe ask someone else to read an email or a text message, get some different insight because they might be able to do that in a slightly less emotionally involved way. Even if they care greatly about you, you are the main player in your life and so they might be less moved by the immediate distress of that and more able to see some

Starting point is 00:05:55 of the nuance. I know a number of people who were in relationships and then their partner decided that I'm not really sure this is going to work for us and it was of course, devastating for the other person. But you know over time they asked for you know the position to be reviewed and they've been together you know very happily for many years so relationship breakups aren't always you know terminal isn't always the end of the line and so yeah I think sometimes we are we're so inbuilt to respect the work know, to be respectful of people in positions of power as well. Let's just give ourselves a little bit

Starting point is 00:06:43 of permission to be curious about the no, to think about whether there's any boundary we could push or explore. I think if you do hit a hard stop, a hard no, it can be a really important time to reassess your values, your priorities, to think about your goals and where it is that you want to go and how you might get there. Some of the things I've been talking about. told no to in the past have shaped my life to lead me to the life I live now and the one that I enjoy and the one that I enjoy. If I'd been told yes earlier on in my career for different roles or even for doctorate in clinical psychology applications, I wouldn't be here. I likely wouldn't have my husband or my children. I'm recording this on a really hot day and I

Starting point is 00:07:32 wouldn't have my in-laws lovely cool house to go and sit in to to give me a break from my own hot box of the house. So yeah, what have you learned about yourself? How has your life been shaped by nose? And have you ever been able to gently push back on those nodes? I would love to know in the comments. I hope you've enjoyed this episode of Inner Work. I've tagged another one in the end screen that I think you'll really enjoy too.

Starting point is 00:08:02 Thanks for being part of my world. The next episode of Inner Work is available. wherever you get your podcasts and on YouTube from 8pm Wednesday, UK time. Thank you again. Take care. See you soon. Hello, my name is Veronica Kassova. I live in Edinburgh and I just graduated with a master's in psychology of mental health. Marion recommended me the Clinical Psychologist Collective when I was networking on LinkedIn and I must say I love it. It is one of a kind. It's like a window into the lives of people on the path of becoming a psychologist.

Starting point is 00:08:49 The stories are unique, honest and filled with a kind of intangible wisdom only personal storytelling can uncover. A common thread in the stories I valued most was to be compassionate not only with others, but with myself too. Also not fixating on becoming a psychologist, but enjoying life, growth and the final results will come as a byproduct. Marian, thank you for taking the time to collate all the stories. The book is a true gem, and I think every aspiring psychologist should have a copy on their shelf.

Starting point is 00:09:26 Thank you.

The Aspiring Psychologist Podcast - Why We Believe Rejection So Quickly (And What To Do Instead)

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.