The Aspiring Psychologist Podcast - Why You're Looking for Safety (Not Confidence)

Starting point is 00:00:00 I'm Jo and I work as an assistant practitioner in a CAM service in Lancashire. I bought and read Marianne's book The Clinical Psychologist Collective to accompany me while completing the clinical psychology training application. It proved to be really good company. I found it sparked ideas of how to build experience and skills, but more than that, it offered the chance to get lost in people's stories. It provided a timely reminder not to get so caught up in an environment. goal and to value and enjoy each job we fulfil along the way, because the work we do now is important and matters to those we sit alongside as well as ourselves. It also gave the reassurance that there are eclectic roots into clinical psychology, which is important for me as someone who's

Starting point is 00:00:48 had a meandering journey and not a typical route to the profession. I wholeheartedly recommend the book for both personal and professional reasons. Be prepared to put evening tasks on hold for a while though. because once you've started reading, it's tough to put it down. What if the thing you've been searching for your whole life isn't happiness, not success, not confidence, not motivation? What if it's safety? Because when humans feel truly safe, something remarkable happens. We learn, we connect, we create and we grow.

Starting point is 00:01:25 And today I'm going to explore the psychology of feeling safe. I'm Dr. Marianne Trent, a qualified clinical psychologist. Welcome to Inner Work. In the main episode of psychology, actually, I was talking with Dr. Mia Hobbes and Dr. Paula Redmond about knitting. And one of the things that came up was the idea of safety, really, and how it seemed to give them those moments of deep exhale to be knitting and engaged in that in a way which just lights them up and helps them to relax. in a way that nothing else seems to do. And this idea of safety and the psychology of safety is one that I keep coming back to and tripping over lately.

Starting point is 00:02:14 I'd love to know, how would you know if you felt safe? When did you last feel safe? How would you know what that would look like? So let's take a little look at what safety is. I think firstly it might be helpful to look at it being an absence of something. of something. So that's no danger, no threat, no risk. And often when I'm with people, and we kind of do achieve that sense of safety, you do notice those deep exhale moments. And it's a really physiological shift when you have that. I hope you are regularly

Starting point is 00:02:59 experiencing moments of safety, if not, you know, period of and chunks of feeling safe and loved and contained. But what I know is that that is not the case for lots of people. Lots of people because of the way they've been raised or because of the relationships they found themselves in as a result of friendships or intimate partner relationships will be constantly kind of scanning for criticism, constantly on edge and expecting things to be, you know,

Starting point is 00:03:31 problematic and chaotic soon. And so sometimes even when somebody's feeling safe, that can feel really threatening in itself because their whole kind of body, mind and soul, if you like, is constantly scanning for that threat and thinking it's all going to go to pot any minute now. So, you know, abort, abort, get safe, get safe. Because actually their nervous system has been raised and schooled on chaos and unpredictability. So when things feel consistent and calm and kind of like plodding along or like your needs are being met, that can feel threatening in itself. And as a result, there might be some kind of self-sabotage behaviour, so ending a relationship or, you know, doing something a little bit more chaotic or or finding fault in situations where there might not actually be any fault. and, you know, just kind of blowing up our lives a little bit.

Starting point is 00:04:34 So I would invite you, if you're watching this, to reflect on what behaviours crop up for you when you feel safe. Are they always adaptive, which would be leaning in, taking those breaths, enjoying those moments, or do they sometimes look a little bit different? What happens when we're not feeling safe is that we will likely strive all the harder. We might overwork, we might outperform people or want to, we might mask our true feelings, we might push people away, we might people please, or we might just generally feel like we are burning out or that we're not truly being seen for who we are. None of that feels very gratifying.

Starting point is 00:05:18 And, you know, none of it is sustainable in the medium to long term. People find safety in a variety of ways. So it might be that, you know, like Mia, like Paula, you're finding it in knitting or something crafty. When I haven't got a broken hand, I like a little bit of calligraphy every now and then. I like swimming. I like walking. I love cuddles with my children. My youngest one is especially snugly. And, you know, as I'm recording this, he's about to turn 10.

Starting point is 00:05:49 And he promises me he will always remain snugly. But, you know, probably he won't. I'm going to need to look to get my snuggles in elsewhere, so I will drop a memo to the husband that more hugs are going to be required. Thank you for being here for Inner Work. I would love any feedback you have. This is a pretty new show, so I would love to know that it's hitting the spot. The next episode of Inner Work will be available wherever you get your podcast and on YouTube from 8pm UK time. And then Psychology Actually, as you might know already, is available on Saturdays from 10am on YouTube and whatever you get your podcast from 6am on Monday. Take care.

Starting point is 00:06:38 Hi, my name is Emily. I am a master's student studying clinical psychology at Southampton. I bought the book of the Clinical Psychologist Collective to help myself prepare for my first round of doctorate applications and I'm so glad I did. Seeing how others have reflected on their journeys has been so insightful and it's given me a lot to reflect about with my own journey and skills. It's also helped to put things into perspective and reminded me that if I don't get on to the doctorate this year, that's okay. I think the most unexpected pleasure of this book, however, was just how inspirational each and every person's journey was. And using these stories as my morning motivation each day has been such a pleasure. I'm almost reluctant to come to the end.

The Aspiring Psychologist Podcast - Why You're Looking for Safety (Not Confidence)

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