The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - A Dazzling Woodland Sprite Dinner Party for Forest Faeries with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: November 14, 2023

What better time of year to entertain your friends and throw a mesmerizing Fall fête than the week after we turn back those George Nelson Mid-century Modern clocks! Welcome your guests with an eye-catching and sphincter-tensing tablescape of such vibrant autumnal colors that they stop, gag, and immediately make plans to burn that oh-so-boring-2022 gourd centerpiece that's been adorning their dining room table since All Hallow's Eve. This Fall, bring out those jade chargers that perfectly match your hand-blown Italian Murano wine glasses and tell the whole wide world that your vintage 1967 table runner costs more than their children's college education! Head to https://SquareSpace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, go to: https://SquareSpace.com/BALD for 10% off your purchase of a website or domain! This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://Betterhelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self! Start all your shopping trips at https://Rakuten.com or get the Rakuten app to start saving today! Your Cash Back really adds up! Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Cat shit. Cat shit. Do you guys like comedy on the pod today? Hashtag drag race. Hashtag all stars. Hashtag cat shit. Cat shit. I just saw a promo of Brooklyn Heightsoklyn heights today it was like drag race um it's like

it's about to get and it was so i don't know what oh wooden plank delivery no not the delivery but like crate and barrel delivery the idea that after 78 seasons of drag race that you could surprise me at all it's about to get i don't know it's about to get heightened in any way to get a security footage of us fucking george washington like what's left like like it's about to get more or more it's about to get i don't know what it's about to get to get what unearthed as it's about to get uh canceled girls like it's about to get turned off yeah soak up what soak what up Girl, that sweat on your forehead? I don't know. It's just a Drag Race promo ad is a parody of a Drag Race promo ad, of a parody of a Drag Race promo.

They're all so funny. It's like an explosion and some faggot with a hint of an eyebrow being like, Thursdays are about to get blank. Like anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thursdays are about to get blank. Like anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thursdays have, wait, where's my camera? Thursdays have never been fiercer. Fridays have never been more sickening. And Saturdays are about to get cunty.

Yeah. Oh, you have to catch Drag Race Virgin Islands. Yeah, yeah. Drag Race Turks and Caicos where the queens are wild and the taxes are non-existent. Drag Race Halifax. Like, really? Drag Race Bermuda where the oligarchs all come to get sickening. Totally.

Drag Race Minnesota. And it's some fag in a wig like, hey. Things are about to get real fierce up in there. Oh, crap. Who is the best at drag? You better lay low. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, hey, hey in there. Oh, crap. Who is the best at drag? You better lay low. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You better chill. You better lay low. I got something for you. Wait, wait, wait. Your sunglasses. Oh, my God. Hold on. I'm just going to put my microphone down.

Would you describe what's unfurling? Okay, so she's got these Ray-Bans that fold into like a tiny little pocket version of sunglasses. But when they unfold, you would never know that they come apart. They don't look at all like they come apart. It's pretty amazing. You better chill. You better lay low.

You would never know. Hey, hey, hey. No, this is mine. You better chill. I only have one. Are those your only pair of Ray-Bans? You like Ray-Bans. You better chill. I only have one. There's your only pair of Ray-Bans. You like Ray-Bans. I love them.

I have one pair. I have those Facebook, those meta smart glasses from Ray-Ban. They're nice. And they're pretty sturdy. This is my second pair. She sure has broken another pair. Well, I have a pair of Gucci sunglasses and a pair of. Yeah.

Let's see. I have a pair of Gucci sunglasses and a pair of, yeah. Let's see. I have a pair of Gucci sunglasses and a pair of Louis Vuitton sunglasses and I never wear them. Oh my rich. I never wear them because I'm afraid. I'm afraid.

I'm breaking them and losing them. And can I let you in? I'm going to just lovingly and with the spirit of friendship and also the spirit of truth and justice in this capitalist society, I'm going to let you in on a very important secret.

Tell me. Vertical manufacturing. Anything over, I would say, approximately $150 for a pair of sunglasses, you might as well take a Valium, go to bed with a sheet cut, you know, where your bum is, bum up, ready to get deep dicked by that sunglass company

or that designer, because they are deep dicking you in your sleep. They are. But you know what happens to me? They're taking their dry dick and going deep in your butt for that money. Yeah. It ain't worth it. You're getting robbed, Tom.

I know. But when you and I were on tour last year, when I would be at my lowest, I would be like, oh, we're in Sydney. We're in Sydney. I was like, I'd be like, I'm going to go buy myself something nice. Sometimes shopping on tour is what gets me through the day. I understand that. Do you understand that?

I would suggest, because you're a business person and you understand this stuff, investment pieces. Things that will accrue value, not scams. Sunglasses, mama, they ain't accruing shit. They're getting lost and broken in their boo-boo. They're all made by the same kind of manufacturer. No, when I buy something fancy, I picture myself at Buffalo Exchange, Crossroads Exchange. and their boo-boo. They're all made by the same kind of manufacturer. No, when I buy something fancy, I picture myself at Buffalo Exchange,

Crossroads Exchange, at some point selling it back. Guess what I just was? I bought Chloe. I bought a pair of cunt Chloe's for 70 bucks. Cat shit. At the where? Cat shit. Where were you?

At Crossroads. Yeah, I've... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need to take a trip there because I'm in... I feel... I was just thinking about this today We just did They announced Trixie Motel season 2

Congratulations Wait, excuse me They announced it Oh, Queen of the Universe got cancelled Yeah, thank you for bringing that up So did Trixie and Katya's show Oh, they're right, no other way Excuse me, Trixie and Katya

Oh xian kachi show uh anybody right no other way excuse christian oh oh oh you i didn't mention you look lovely today thank you it's autumn sunrise so so they announced that we are doing our house and i i'm not going to spoil anything but we had to obviously pack things up and move into a new house. So in the new house, in the new closet, I was looking at some of my clothes going, I had some of my most expensive clothes I never wear for two reasons. Well, one, I'm afraid of breaking them, repping them, spilling them.

Of course. Two, I'm embarrassed of them. I'm embarrassed of my nice clothing You're embarrassed of appearing bourgeois Or that you're like I'm embarrassed that I spent money on it I'm embarrassed of being like I don't know that drag race girl

Who two weeks into drag race Has a Gucci suit on the plane and coach Do you know what I mean? Mama, you're looking right at that whore You're looking at her right in the face You're looking that dog right in the face But guess what she did though? I don't know Take a guess You're looking right at that whore. You're looking at her right in the face. You're looking that dog right in the face. But guess what she did though?

I don't know. Take a guess. We still don't know. She wore the shit out of that motherfucking suit. But my nice designer clothing is not in drag. Oh, so you're real bourgeois. So I'm embarrassed because I think if it has a face, a logo on it, a word, I think it's just got to go. And also, mama, you're going to get robbed. You're going to get robbed.

You think you're going to get rolled and robbed. You walk. No, no shade. But if you walk out of your house, you're not exactly in, let's say, Bel Air. And so you are you got a target on the back of your big fat ass, which still you managed to keep after losing all that weight. Kudos. Thank you. And then we also have a target losing all that weight. Kudos. Thank you.

We also have a Target on Hollywood Boulevard. The store? And then the one on Sunset. Do you like Target? I do. You do? I love it. I feel like Target is like a millennial thing. I fucking love it. I watch a lot of TikToks and millennials are easy to make fun of. I don't love slavery me neither but can i say this i've been watching i'm a millennial and am i not

no no i think you're an old millennial yeah old maiden type of millennial making fun of millennials on tiktok it is funny because they are making fun of a type of millennial. I'm also like, I don't know anybody who says, my doggo, wine o'clock, like all those I don't know anybody who says that shit. That's a boomer. That's like millennial boomer. But I think it's sort of based on, that persona is based on

millennial YouTube stars who at that time, these people watched as children. So they think like, Oh, I don't know. I don't know anybody who's like my puppers. Well, I'm adulting today. I don't know anyone like that. Okay. So adulting is a book that was published literally 10 years ago, 15 years ago. Kelly Williams Brown. I know her personally. Yes. Cat Williams. Cat Williams sweated out his perm right in that book. And then, no, Kelly Williams Brown. I love Cat Williams.

I do. Well, I don't know him. I do. Well, he knows me. I know that he sweats out his perm and I relate. Game recognizes game. But Kelly Williams Brown wrote adulting and then she wrote gracious. And guess what?

I was featured in that in gracious. Why would that ever happen? I love it. I'm not surprised you're in a book called in gracious. Yeah. I'm surprised. I live in this book. Um, because I don't know.

You have to pick it up and read it to find out. Anyways. Anyways. So target target. Okay. Um, being a homeowner and you know i have the beautiful condo right now and my beautiful homeowner yes and i just burped and you did that and now the pot is over cancel tina and now i'm in my horny era for like home good things

i go to a target and you start fucking yanking they got an acrylic tray to put in a drawer because my drawer needs an acrylic tray the fuck it does i'm going to meet you right there and goon on that section because i saw that wooden stool that unfinished wooden stool and i said oh a little bit of paint a little bit of varnish and a lot of sandpaper it's gonna get real juicy up in my garage oh yes this this $50 stool oh there ain't no empty spot on the wall honey full-length mirror how's the mirror how's the mirror target shitty it don't matter you know mirrors break that's life moving on design books i've read because i have read several say that mirrors are like the absence of making a design decision it's just

something on the wall. Excuse me. You know, okay. That's fine. I don't believe that. That's fair. But you know what I do? You know what else? I learned something amazing from myself the other day.

How about this? I came up with something about interior decorating. Because when I went into your house, when I went into Orville's house, first, I came home, suicide watch. I was like, I went over, I gushed. I was like, by the way, Orville has a beautiful home. It's not a mansion. No, I'm not. I don't want to live in a mansion.

And you never will. And you never will. When you're living in a mansion, it would be called squatting. That will be Malibu promises. You will pay $90,000 for a four week stay in a mansion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Flute out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Flew it out. Flew it out.

Flew it back. They buy a return flight that they know they won't use. Yes. So I don't, but he, I was like, Oh wow. Oh cool.

Oh wonderful. This is my dream home. Every, every corner, every detail, every fixture, every, every D and he gave me a,

it's beautiful. He gave me a free preview of his um unfinished ad tour uh-huh mama you know i was yanking i was pulling the skin off with him right in the room like that yeah i know you were yeah i was going i was taffy hello hi taffy we're pulling tina and i'm so it was fun it was great but i i came home and i was like i'm gonna kill myself i went to your house i was like eden hide all the knives hide all the pills hide all the hide the knives pills hide your wives the kids everybody because it's like i need to go i need to get taped up like a worm and then thrown into a closet with like a like a feeding tube

shut up honey shut up don't matter so the it's not that. It's just that. I will say. We cleaned up a little before you came on. It's the fact that, you know, when you're in high school and you're trying to, like, gay people especially, you know, you have this identity. Like, you're saying, okay, what am I going to wear in college? You say, like, how am I going to present myself? You're trying to curate a sense of style. Hopefully not so forced. It's kind of natural. Same thing if you're lucky enough to own a home, which let's face it,

it's the luxury of not being able to afford it and living in shitty apartments is that you can't fucking decorate all that fiercely. And that's a, that's a freedom. Well, you can, you want to just let go of that security deposit. You can do whatever you want. Oh, and you should, because you should never going to get it back, baby. I've always got it. Never going to, um, when you have,

when you're lucky enough to have the resources to create a personal space, it's like a second puberty in the sense that you're insecure about it. Like, Oh, I'm insecure about my taste level. When people come over, they're going to think I'm tacky, all this, all this drama, drama, drama. But I thought that if somebody comes over and criticizes something about your house, it's not the thing. They got to go.

Do you know what I mean? Like criticizing someone's home is weird. It's horrible. Like when you're a guest, you got to be grateful. I will say, don't ask me what I think of your house. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's a little bit different. Because I'm going to tell you.

I will say, I'll walk in and somebody goes, what do you think? And I go, are you married to these baseboards? But you know enough to be like, you know this person's financial resources. You know what they have. You know what's possible. You're not going to be like, oh, well, let's gut it tomorrow. You got 150 grand. You're not going to say that.

I have found that a lot of people feel like they hate their apartments, but they are completely intimidated by doing anything to it. Like painting it. like putting up anything. Painting is not expensive. It's a game changer. And you can do it yourself. You can do it yourself. You go to Home Depot, you ask the guy at the beer department,

you say, give me a little color swatch. Not to mention for renters, a lot of times if you want to, let's say I wanted to upgrade these. You're going to paint it right back four, five coats of paint over those cabinets that won't close. No, some landlords, if you say, hey, I'm going to paint it right back. Four, five coats of paint over those cabinets that won't close. No, some landlords, if you say, hey, I'm going to upgrade the sconces in the living room, they'll say, we'll take it off your rent sometimes. Yeah, they'll be like, what?

Click. They don't care. Or they'll take it off your rent. They'll give you credit. If they even answer the phone. Right. I just feel like I know security deposits. People are always like, I want my security.

The hardest thing about apartments is you need the first month. First, last security. Last month and security. You need three about apartments is you need the first month, last month, and security. You need three times the rent to get an apartment. It's the equivalent of a down payment. Also, Amy Sedaris said, she's like, Todd Oldham and Amy Sedaris are like, don't ever, don't be afraid of transforming your apartment

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Learn more at Coca-Cola.ca. I don't want to tell stories out of school. We're not in school. But our lovely friend, uh, Graham Norton, our lovely friend, Graham Norton, our lovely friend of the love.

No, we were on his pod. He's never been. No, but he's, he judged me on drag race. He gave me the most wonderful compliment. Love him. Love him.

Yeah. Yeah. His home in London. I was there and you love to name drop. Don't you? No, but he bought the home next door and I think, and did a combination like that's what Tim Burton and, uh, what's her, what's her face did? Helena bought him Expelliarmus.

Yeah. Well, if you live in a city, if the apartment next door to you becomes available and you buy it, you can double the size of your home. And you can be Sarah Jessica Parkour jumping from fixture to fixture. Well, in this condo, we're on the top level. The only way to expand would be to build another, build another level or build up better. Yeah. No, in this condo, we're on the top level. The only way to expand would be to build another level. Build up better. No, you can't do that. The unit downstairs was for sale for a while and I was like... Fire slide.

Wouldn't that be cunt? Fire pole. I don't think the people in this building want me to take up any more space. Everyone here has a dog, a screaming child. I'm barely here. Mama, you are the perfect neighbor. And they all look like I'm the problem child. You are the perfect neighbor. And that woman said,

oh my God, you lost so much weight. You are so sexy. Let me fuck you. She's like, have you lost a little weight? And I was like, oh, I have. And she went, it was a lot. I mean, you look good, but before you were... One time my sister, I think I've told you this, Sam. Hi, Sam.

Sam is in Samantha? Yeah, she doesn't listen to this. A weenie in a bottle. She goes, yeah, she said you trimmed up. And I said, yeah. And she goes, because you were big for a while. I hate that shit, girl. I hate that shit.

I live in Spain. You were big for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were big for a while. Because you were ugly. Now you're cute. But, you know, gorgeous. Because you were big. big i love it but that's how i am in homes like it's rude to say something's wrong with someone's home but if you ask okay be ready for people to say what they

think of that painting let me tell you something because andrew yang pulled the biggest asked and not the presidential former presidential hopeful and aster yang andrew yang of the cabaret for the people at home he ambushed me the other day. He brought me on an errand to go get fabric from this guy who lives on Sunset and did not warn me that we were about to enter a world of interior design hitherto unexplored by my eyeballs. In a good way or a bad way? In a fucking good way, Mary.

Oh, okay. I walked into an old, original William Haynes Hollywood landmark. And as soon as I go in there and I'm like, Andrew, you've got a lot of explaining to do. You get out of here. Because I did this. When you're a guest, you're either grateful, gracious, or you gush. And mama, it was waterworks. You cried? No, no, or you gush. And mama, it was waterworks. You cried? No, no, no.

I did worse. I was like, holy fucking shit. I want to fuck that wallpaper. I basically got on the floor, started humping the sumptuous mahogany woodwork. It took everything in my power not to see this antique Roman oil burner that i just wanted to lick like no are those things with the dripping oil how do they do that no no no this was a a wooden spiral uh staff with a on a tripod that went all the way 25 feet up in the air that had a thing that was from 17th century oil burner oh my god you're uncherished right wait wait wait wait so let me finish this motherfucker had the audacity like it was it was a it wasn't a mansion it was big and i'm telling you i wish

it's online i'll show you later it was every square foot of this place was contisha girlisha amazing isha it was like every detail every um cause what he does is he like, he's a curator and a tastemaker. He takes, he's like, he's a photographer. He'll take an eyes like, Oh, I know this artist who does this boom. And he hooked you up with them to create an incredible, unique, one of a kind space. And he's a famous Dutch photographer. So he's got some Moolah and he is so funny, but this space mama, she got my pussy so hard and wet that i had to change my pants three times in the bathroom because i was soaking my hard rag and bone denim dungarees with pussy juice from the beauty that was unfurling in front of my very eyes on this

this like hidden hideaway does it make you want to change your house at all it makes me want to unlife myself okay it makes me want to not change house at all? It makes me want to unlife myself. Okay. It makes me want to not change my house, but take some kerosene, a little bit of gasoline, lighter fluid and go. But you transform the exterior of your home.

Yeah, that's lovely. And I'm grateful. Why don't you bring that energy indoors? Because you know why, Mary? I am. I called the electrician the next day. I said, Pablo, we got some work to do. So we're retrofitting all the lights.

The cans? Mama, the cans are going. Go on. Okay, good. We're going to do, I got a whole plan do. So we're retrofitting all the lights. The cans? Mama, the cans are going. Go on. Okay, good. We're going to do, we're going to do, I got a whole plan, but here's the thing. I don't want to stay there for very long because the discussion we had with this guy who's moving back to, moving to Paris is that, Mama, the housing market in LA, in 2024, if you want to buy a Fisher House uh doll set on the street in skid row be prepared to spend 425 000 baby sweetie darling tootsie and it's like in provincetown it's like in provincetown a it's martha's studio apartment in provincetown is a million dollars it's nantucket martha's vineyard bullshit we're doing jackie Kennedy. We're doing fucking Calista Gingrich.

We're doing Gloria Vanderbilt. I mean, you know where I live. I have the nice house on the block and not in a good way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a fabulous neighborhood.

You've got a moat and she's run by Torlina Phuket. And you know how people say like, oh, I live in LA. I see him in shit all the time. No, no, no. I see it every day.

No, no, no. Check under the shoes. Every day. She tracked it on the carpet i was jogging and i was running behind one of those amazon delivery robots and it ran over dog i saw that that was that was fierce i was like you better do it i was running behind it and i went you're joking and i just watched the wheels go over it and i said better better that than you though right build back better i want to ask you about cherish cherish give me strength this the

app i was looking for get into this mama get into this before we blow a gasket i was looking I want to ask you about Cherish. Cherish. Give me strength. The app. I was looking for, get into this, Mama. Get into this. Before we blow a gasket, I was looking for an outdoor aviary because I thought, you know what? Whether or not it's real, I think a decorative outdoor aviary, like a beautiful ornate cage in my backyard would be beautiful. Maybe something with a bench. They have aviaries that are a bench around with a cage in the middle. And I was like, that could be pretty, right?

I was like, that's pretty. Oh, ancient Chinese. Oh, that must be just like the brand name. Oh, $30,000 for an outdoor aviary. I said, $30,000? There's no, unfortunately on Cherish, which I've, there's no option to say, you better chill. You better go down on this price. Is anything reasonably priced on Cherish? So, okay. We got Cherish. So, okay, here better chill. You better go down. Reasonably priced on cherish. So,

okay. We got cherish. So, okay, here we go. We got offer up. We had Craigslist. Ooh,

we lost her. Well, offer up is at least like, I'm trying to get rid of this old iPhone. Yeah. Like it's normal. Take, take my daughter.

I hate her. Yeah. Or it's like lightly used MacBook covered in jizz. Mama, keyboard don't work. Cause she's spunkified. But I got a Bluetooth one. I have a 1992 Tercel.

Well, I have the tires. Yeah, I have one window. Not to the car, but something else. Then it's Facebook Marketplace. I don't fuck with Miss Facebook. Then we got Etsy. It's not Facebook, Mama. It's meta.

Okay. Then we got Miss Etsy. Then we take a Hculean fucking giant ass jackie joyner cursey fucking hurdle leap over to cherish rob me blind rob me blind please now i don't want to have any money wild and then first dibs girl first dibs on on bankruptcy foreclosure foreclosure First dibs on foreclosure On your 401k, on your children's money On trusts, estates Your neighbor's house

I'm looking for a set of Eight chargers for my dining table Oh $120,000 But don't worry sweetie because we have white glove shipping That will only set you back about $15,000 And it's only coming from Gardena, California. It's Cherish.

Cherish. Cherish is the nerve. Cherish is not the one who's a da, da, da, da, da. Cherish is wild. Cherish is the one who will rob you black. I stopped opening the app because I thought. Well, here's the. I'm not going to buy this stuff.

Mama, Cherish sucks my whole pussy ass. It sucks. But First Dibs. Here's the thing about First Dibs. She can come around. Craigslist is lovely. Oh, Craigslist is lovely, but you want to be archaeological? You got to be Miss Indiana Jones and you got to be with the quickness. So like on First Dibs, you do a whole like manic scroll.

Favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite. Next day, you got all the offers for haggling. They say, ooh, that thing you favorited? She's on sale. Doubt it. No, no, no. This is how it works. $5,000 Caucasian rug featuring your favorite pictorial scene of somebody getting murdered.

Okay. Three by five feet. Lovely quality. Handmade. Five grand. Favorite. Next day. We'll sell you this rug for $4,200. Yeah. Next day. We'll sell you this rug for 4,200.

Yeah. Plus shipping. Now, if it's from Italy, you don't even fuck with that. But you say, hey, you message them. I'll give you 36. I'll give you 3,000. And they say, 3,200. Boom.

Sold. It's a Haggletina. It's Haggletina. You know, that happens on eBaybay like with a lot of the dolls i buy it'll be like um so and so the seller sent you an offer because maybe i'm the only one who's watching it the seller will be like hey instead of five hundred dollars i'll give it to you for four but guess what i did so i got i got um i don't i hope i don't put them i mean i want to say who they are say who they are where they live it's zach that say it's Zach That's the Zach that I got I deal with Zach

Lovely man Old not attractive You better believe I would suck his dick Right off his body Okay He is I bought some

Items from him Via First Dibs And then So after the second item I was like Why don't I contact him directly Why is there a middle man You better believe

I called the place And girl Mama I saved I got a very expensive rug. I'm going to say how much it was. I'm going to say how much it was advertised for. Nine grand.

Honey, can I say. I got it for under six. Can I say, I know the square footage of your house. Where are you putting these rugs? Better chill. Where are you putting these rugs? You better lay low. There's no more room for rugs at your house. What are you doing?

Put them on the roof? Flying around on them? I put one on the wall, sweetie. You better lay low. Oh, wait. Can we put rugs on the wall? No, no. Listen, rugs have shelf life. What is that? Six weeks?

Shut the fuck up, baby. That big, blue blue nasty burber that when you fucking um vacuum it up all that nasty shit she's gotta go off her up so i'm gonna i had to switch her out i got a beautiful little new dracula so i got i got scratchy dracula in the gym i got fierce tina dracula up top in the bedroom. And my life is just fabulous. I got to get rid of a lot of furniture right now. And I think it's going to be like a week project where I take a – I'd make sure I'm home for a week and just list it all and be available for people to come get it. And there's a lot of different ways to do it.

And I actually think that's fun. And that's the – I mean, if you have an assistant, Jesus Christ. But I got rid of my bed frame. Sometimes you just have to say, please come get it. That's what I care about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come get it. I'm like, I care about someone coming to get it.

The problem is a lot of that furniture is brand new. Well, then you've got to sell it. And it's nice. Then you have to sell it. Soho Home. Soho Home. Are you kidding me? Soho Home.

You can't give that away. You've got to sell it. Soho Home. I love it. that away. You gotta sell it. So ho-home. I love it. But wait, wait, wait. I got a massage just now.

How was that? Bulgarian, man. New personal trainer. Ma beat the shit out of me. And when I say beat the shit out of me, I'm saying he put me through a meat grinder and then all that nasty meat, he stepped on it with both his feet and then his hands. And he smacked me and he said, you fabulous man. My guy, Kendon, I only see him a few times a year and I have the problem of a few times

a year for rubbing. Oh, rubbing, rubbing the massage. Okay. I only see him a few times a year because, but it's usually at the end of a tour leg when the corset has started to eat me. Of course. Yeah. When the bugs and scabs are like, I feel bad because every time I see him, it's bad year because, but it's usually at the end of a tour leg when the corset has started to eat me. Of course. Yeah. When the bugs and scabs are like.

I feel bad because every time I see him, it's bad enough that I'm calling him. Do you know what I mean? It's tough. He's like, you need a doctor, not a masseuse. He's like, what have you been doing? I'm like, cross-dressing. Cross-dressing. I'm Zelda from fucking Pet Sematary.

Yeah, you're like, Rachel. He's like, I cannot help you with spinal meningitis. Girl. Girl. Miss Bifida. Miss Bifida. We can't come through for you today, honey.

You need an MD, not a PT. I know, but I'm going to see him soon because even though I'm not that fucked up, I, oh,

well, no, I bought a table because I felt bad after seven years of him carrying his table. I thought, you know what he'll love?

A, I always tip really well, but when he comes here three times a year, he will not have to bring a table. And I know these massage therapists need a massage therapist because they're carrying the table. It's like a hundred pounds.

So that's what I said. I said, I do not have a table. I'm working in limited space. And he brought it. He schlepped a table over. He was so reasonable. He brought me in the gym? He brought me in my bedroom on top of Mr. I moved. Why? Listen. I moved my dresser because there's um there's uh more ambience it's freezing in the gym and it smells a little bit funky down

there so and they didn't have time to really get it you think he's gonna be touching your naked body it's gonna get better smells once he pulls back that flap you know the one that that one flap that those flaps they they they flaps but no no he and he brought he brought the table he had everything mama he was the real bulgarian deal and he and i in do you like rub was it like that i was i was like i was like he's like the not that's it nothing else nothing else i was like you don't speak russian do you he's like yes and that's it that was the extent of our conversation he said not with you but i was like not with your fucking faggoty asshole but he he he fucking got me together and he was it was expert and 150 for an hour in my book mama for a what's his name

promote him okay well okay i'm not sure i i maybe we can insert it i'm not just sure if he wants to get on blast and in this context no you know what i mean of course of course he's yeah i know he's fine with his name's kendon and his instagram i believe is i think it's turnaround turner okay it's kendon turner It's Kendon Turner Okay But he's been with me Eight years Something like that Yeah

The nooks and the crannies Oh mama Completely professional Yeah Works me out Yeah And I'm chatty I know people probably

Don't want to talk But I talk the whole time I tried to get So I get vocal So because I'm used to Like sensual And sexual massages Where I go

And I'm used to Normal Where we talk about like TV. Yeah. You're like, Hey, how about if Grace and Frankie catch the last episode of bones? How about Grace and Frankie?

Which one's which? I can't tell. Yeah. CSI. Is that children singing? Wait, there's CSI. NCIS.

It's like naughty children singing. Incantations. Incantations Incantations Wait Remember how big CSI was Remember Remember how many people were like I want to be a The dumbest cunt from your elementary school was like

I'm going to be a friend scientist No you're not Mary It's the marine biology I'm going to be a marine bi no you're not mary mama it's no you're not it's the marine biology i've ever met marine biology it's like marine i'm going to be a marine biologist it's like oh you don't what you want to put on a wetsuit and go what mama they don't know they think they're going to the aquarium oh wait wait so the massage was sensational because two two days of getting pulverized my upper upper body and i'm talking like, this is, you know, where I work out every day by myself,

but I certainly don't. And I scream, but for other reasons. And he like, I go, yeah, I'm like, I do my Sanskrit.

I do my, um, my Italian. You know what I do when I'm running? Sometimes if I'm really into it and I'm, I'm breaking through that wall, I go, yeah,

hype. You're, you're hype man. I'll be on like a corner and I'll be jogging in place and there'll be fags around me and i'll be like yeah i mean like i got so many little hype tunes i got and then i got um um but i got uh i got you know uh i mean if people are saying script that's not so great if i'm running and it's like i'm listening to music. Sometimes I'll, um, like I clap along with it. Sweetie.

If the song has a clap, I'm clapping. I'm a sweetie. Hang on. Hang on for just one second. I got to get involved. What's the point of doing an activity where your hands are free? If you can't do something.

Thank you, Tina. You got to get into this gig. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

It's worth it. It's worth it. Oh, here we go get into this gig. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. It's worth it. It's worth it. Oh, here we go. Here we go. I have a loud snap and a loud clap. And I do this all day. Okay. Who was that to?

No one. I recorded it and I was like, I'm not sending this to anybody, you fucking freak. No, you know what? I tape a lot. Oh, that's not so good. Oh, it's the acoustics in here. In my, in my, I mean, I got a, I have a crisp, like nasty snap.

That's not, it's not warmed up. Like in my, in my home, it goes like, it is like, it's like a whip crack. It's like nasty. It's like annoying, annoying. But then I do, I go, I do come on natch, like, like in the shower. Come on natch! All it's in the shower come on natch all the time in the shower and I say come on wet come on wet body come on clean it up shower oh well luckily I only do that like what once a month yeah I used to do that a lot more when I lived alone here I would like every time I walked by my guitar, I had to pick it up and play for a second.

It was like a compulsion or I would walk around and singing. And now that I live alone, I barely sing. Miss David. Oh, she's a singer. She's a singer. Not a singer,

not a singer at all. When it comes to, you know, pitch notes, vocals, music, lyrics, energy,

mama. It's all about energy. Upstairs doing his laundry. Yeah. Singing probably. Oh, the same few lines of a song over and over again. Top,

top of his voice. Oh yeah. But you know, there's something very charming about people who emphatically sing with complete like tone deafness. I love it. It's because it's, it's, it's pure.

And it's also pure source energy. People who love stuff. That's lovely boots shit yeah that's the lovely boots totally lovely boots how about this um it's like when you mom all right so there was um what my new chestnut is um oh of course it's lord days all the clips all the clips which i'm about to play on the pod sure i cannot believe you're gonna let me do this but you are what and um. What say do I have? So when she was in Spain, you know, she was interviewed like by some stupid paparazzo.

And she was, I would say my guesstimate would be drunk Tina. Yeah, she seemed like a little three sheets to the wind. Yes. But you know what? She's Madonna's daughter. And I don't give a, she is so fierce and cunty. And this is what she said. Hello.

How old are you? How old am I? Everything's great. Do you like Spain? I fucking love it. Do you live in Spain? I live in Spain. Do you like?

I love it. Would I like to live here? I don't know. Do you like la paella y la tortilla? I don't like... That's good. The Spanish is fucking good, guys. Do you like Shakira? y la tortilla? I don't like... That's good. The Spanish is fucking good, guys. Do you like Shakira?

Shakira, Shakira. And that's... So Lourdes Leon, the daughter of Madonna, eldest daughter. Stunning. But I fucking love it. So the studio language now has... We have four or five responses total.

So we've got yes, no, I don't know, maybe, and something else. You can either say, I fucking love it. I love it. I live in Spain. How old am I? Or Shakira, Shakira. That's it. That's our new drag lingo.

That's because the rest of it is tired Work it Fierce Hunty Slay No no no I live in Spain Shakira Shakira

She wasn't just in the right place To maybe understand the question Mama She didn't know where she lived Yeah She was like I live in Spain I've only been to Spain

the once. Where were we? Barcelona. No, we went to Madrid as well. No, we didn't. On that trip? The liar, the bitch

in her slutty wardrobe. But I mean, that's the one time I went was that trip to that country. Maybe we did both. But we did in Spain, we did Barcelona and Madrid.

Oh yeah, that's where I watch Hombre de Acera. Si, si, si. Man of Steel. Oh, we also are instituting, come November 1st today, one hour of studio time en español solamente. Right?

Sí. For who? Todos. Everyone's learning Spanish? Las tres de nosotros. I don't even know how to say that. The three of us. Andrew, Eden, Eden, y me.

And me. Sí. Claro que sí. Es la lingua. Eden Eden y me claro que si es la lingua de amor are you guys learning on your own and then si

are you learning on your own and then coming together to practice or are you just hoping by being in the same room someone will get it so here are the girls so if you want to communicate

la comunicacion for una hora en espanol solamente so if you want to communicate, la comunicación, una hora en español solamente. So if you want to talk to each other, you want to talk on the phone, español. If you want to learn Duolingo on your own, you can do that too. Study on your own. But there is no comunicación en inglés for one hour.

We haven't figured out the day yet. And then we're going to do another day. And then it's pretty much going to be all the whole day. But are you guys front-loading that with any personal learning of the language? Of course. Okay, I was just going to say, you're all going to show up and say it's Spanish now. No, no. It's not like changing languages on Netflix.

You know what I mean? No, no, no, no. But we do have Google Translate if we have a specific phrase that we have. You know, we're all doing Duolingo, Pimsleur, Babel, whatnot. We're all doing that, of course. Si, claro que si. I would have just cut your face kill bill's not duolingo you know what i think it's important that you're learning i wish i knew spanish me too bitch it's about but so i imagine if we could go perform in mexico and even say hello we can we can say all i miss say, hola, mis amores, la cuckoo.

You know? What I've learned about languages is I might be able to string together a sentence, but whatever you say back to me is going to go right over my head. But how about this though? I was in an Uber on Halloween Saturday with an Arabic driver who spoke French and we were lamenting the rudeness of Parisian French. I did not spend 12 years of my fucking life trying to learn French and perfect, trying to perfect my accent.

And I'll pat myself on the back. I have a very good accent. And by the way, it ain't Spanish. It doesn't come in handy all the time. No, that's what we're saying. It's like, mama, French is floptina. Girl, ain't nobody used it. I don't care about the UN official, whatever. Girl, you're floptina. Everybody in French speaks English. English. Everybody

in the Maghreb or in those Arab countries speaks English. They speak Arabic and English. They don't want to speak French, ho. And so like, even like Cote d'Ivoire or like French Canada. They all speak English. They speak their native African languages and dialects and English. Mama,

they're like, French? French for French. But French people have literally said to me, you study French. Why? But English. Mama, they're like, French? French for... But French people have literally said to me, you study French? Why? But pourquoi? Yeah, they're like... And I go, my high school only offered French. And they go, really?

A quoi ça sert apprendre le français? Rien. Why? I don't know why. Although it did come in handy last at the plaza when I got the chance to talk to Chance High Tech. Okay, I was wondering who we were talking to. So is this woman a legendary? Mama, you're not ready for this legend.

I saw her. Oh, you sure did. Legendary witch, Leanne Rimes, Rooney Mara, Kourtney Kardashian, Kim Kardashian, Donna, Shelley, Karen, Lisa, Ulysses. She is a facialist to the stars a um a uh an eccentric hollywood fixture who literally you can go check it out she does she has a long long long long long list of clients her own serums she's got potions and and and electrodes and lasers in her

crazy hollywood apartment and the stars come out to her. A 65-person waiting list, allegedly, that we had a long, long, long conversation. En français last night. Tout en français. It was amazing. And I'm hopefully getting sur la list, getting on the list.

That would be great for you. Chance high tech. She is wild. Because she was very impressed with how I quit smoking. Because she smokes. That is impressive. How long has it been now? It's been since the 15th of April. And I'm talking, mama, I'm talking not

and not, you know how the ghost just one drag. Not one drag. Not one. I'm talking not one drag. Not one drag of a nicotine product at all. Period. It's a little like booze where it's easier to do nothing than a little. Absolutely.

If I start having a little alcohol here and there, I start having it all the time. I just do a little oxygen with dinner. Yeah. Can I tell you what I've been doing? When we go out and David buys like a martini or whatever, I'll get a glass of white wine at the table. Oh, you're bad. But I don't even drink it.

Oh, my God. I get it to be included. You are so bad, like a prop. Hey, do you ever get drunk off the prop wine at the table. Oh, you're bad. But I don't even drink it. Oh my God. I get it to be included. You were so bad. Like a prop. Hey, do you ever get drunk off the prop wine? That was so sickening. How about Kiki Dunst's face though? She's like.

Oh, she goes. She's like, um, dumb bitch. Sit your ass down and shut the hell up. It was so, it was so diplomatic. But that's what's so funny about acting. She was like. Some people in acting are like, well, I just pretend whatever's happening. I pretend whatever it says is happening.

The Toni Collette school. Well, I live as a mole person for six years. In a sommelier, if there's a drink in the scene, I have to learn the sommelier technique to know where the origins of the grapes are from. Where's this wine? It's like, girl, just drink the fucking wine and say the lines. Well, I remember in theater school, which I do agree that if there's a word in the text that you don't understand it's your job to find out what it is of course but the beyond of that is and i and i've gone on a radical hrt program at the at the um you know with that my doctor told me not to but right doctors know you

know so there's like the whole and then sometimes you have these amazing actors who are like they're standing there with their word and they're like listen I just pretend it's happening. Tony Collette. That's all I do. That's McDormand. They say well you know I learned all of my lines and when the director says action I say them and I try to act the best the way I can and I don't need therapy afterwards because it's fake.

Wait wait wait. Do you remember when Gaga was like her character from House of Gucci she's like I can't take you with me Francesca or whatever the fuck. It was like a goodbye letter letter an open letter mama nobody wants to take her with you like like mama she like she also she lives she ill she lives like that woman is alive and she ill she takes herself with her yeah yeah get out of her house and get out of her body oh you know what though you want to talk crying i I watched Maria Sharapova's open letter. She said a goodbye to tennis.

That's fucking different, though. That made me cry. If Simone Biles said goodbye to gymnastics, I'd be like. You see me swinging with my little chalked up feet like I'm on the floor exercise. Oh, you'd be watching it with feet covered in chalk, sidewalk chalk, just drawing on them. Uneven bars. Dick hanging from the low bar, head hanging from the high exercise. Oh, you'd be watching it with feet covered in chalk. Steinbach chalk. Just drawing on uneven bars. Dick hanging from the low bar. Head hanging from the high bar.

Yeah. Goodbye. Bon appetit. And goodbye. I think we can wrap it up there. Okay. Wait, wait. Quick.

Again, shout out to Simone Biles. Mama, keep you do whatever the fuck you want to do. Cause mama, none of these hoes can touch you. Never can touch you. You know, we love you. And if you're ever in the same city as us we're doing bald in the beautiful live simone if you ever can come to a show please if you even could i mean we will helicopter your ass in just and i'm not gonna ask i'm not gonna patronize you do a somersault mama you're not doing nothing you have to anything you we're gonna we're gonna fatten you up you're gonna lay down in bed on stage you're gonna have the best seat in the house i'm gonna i'm gonna break my other hip doing nothing. You don't have to do anything. We're going to fatten you up. You're going to lay down in bed on stage.

You're going to have the best seat in the house. I'm going to break my other hip doing cartwheels. I'm going to try to do the Miller, which is like a back handspring with a half turn into a split handstand. I'm going to kill myself for your glory. Simone, we're going to have a love sack on stage and you just plop down and you're going to have 3D goggles of a movie. You don't have to watch us.

Any movie. Watch anything. Anything you want. And for $35,000 a minute. We're also going to watch us. Any movie. Watch anything. Anything you want. For $35,000 a minute. We're also going to pay you. Bye, Simone. Bye. Thank you. Bye.