The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - A Ghost with a Goatee with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: April 25, 2023

As darkness falls across the land, the midnight hour is close at hand. Creatures squirm and snore in bed, while something lurks that is certainly dead. As it stands in the doorway rotting in its shell, sporting facial hair that could only originate in hell. A grizzled ghoul has escaped from its tomb, lingering in their bedroom to seal their doom. It is Trixie Mattel who is cursed with the shine, but have no fear, this goatee'd phantom is fortunately benign. To get the #1 Meal Kit for Eating Well, go to https://GreenChef.com/BALD60 and use code BALD60 to get 60% off plus free shipping! Get your swagger back with Manscaped! Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code BALD at https://manscaped.com Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our latest book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

So what's it like to buy your first cryptocurrency on Kraken? Well, let's say I'm at a food truck I've never tried before. Am I going to go all in on the loaded taco? No, sir. I'm keeping it simple. Starting small. That's trading on Kraken. Pick from over 190 assets and start with the 10 bucks in your pocket. Easy. Go to Kraken.com and see what crypto can be. Not investment advice. Crypto trading involves risk of loss.

See Kraken.com slash legal slash ca dash pru dash disclaimer for info on Kraken's undertaking to register in Canada. I'm going back to university for $0 delivery fee. Up to 5% off orders and 5% Uber cash back on rides. Not whatever you think university is for. Get Uber One for students. With deals this good, everyone wants to be a student. Join for just $4.99 a month. Savings may vary.

Eligibility and member terms apply. Looking for a collaborator for your career? A strong ally to support your next level success? You will find it at York University School of Continuing Studies, where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue.yorku.ca. Hi. Hey. Hey, gal. I'm back from Australia. Welcome back from Australia. You did it.

Fucking allsays. If you know her, you know her. If you know her, you know her. How was it? A scale of, um, um, yeah. It was short, but intense. It felt like you were there forever I got to Perth and it was a little bit You would have hated it because it was a tease Because at first I had a day off One show in Perth and then four days off Three days off Oh that's because you can't do weekday shows there

Well you can't do them for a disco too It's a party So then the following weekend It was Wednesday, Melbourne. Okay. Thursday, Melbourne. Friday, Adelaide. Saturday, Bris Vegas.

And then Sunday, Sydney. And I took an after party. So there was two shows Sunday. And I want to talk. I know we talk a lot about heat and air conditioning. Oh, mama. I was looking at your little videos online. I was like, ooh, this is Schindler's List.

Honey, baby, darling. When I'm sweating, when my makeup is gone, I'm wearing the one size no sweat primer. I'm wearing setting spray. I'm wearing the Anastasia Beverly Hills banana powder, which I think is one of the most absorbing powders there is. And two hours of DJing, and I don't just DJ. You dance around.

Go watch clips. I know, I see it in you. I'm thrashing. I burn more calories DJing than I did during Trixie and Katya. I lost weight on that tour. Damn. That's how much burn and sweat. And I come off stage and Brandon would go,

Brandon would go, sweat is just fat crying. And I go, thank you so much. That's what they used to say. Well, I cry a lot. My fat cries a lot. Ultrabody Fitness, that gym I used to go to, had a sandwich sign that said the same thing outside of it. Yeah. I'm also traveling with Matteo Sagatti, good friend of the pod. Are you really?

Yeah. Oh, that's so fun. He opens for the first two hours while people are filing in and drinking. What does he play? Polka? Pretty much all aggressive German polka. Drums and bass. Have you ever heard aggressive German polka. Drums and bass. Have you ever heard drums and bass music?

Drums and bass. Absolutely. It's the sound of an anxiety attack. I can't stand drums and bass and I love everyone. I'm happy for everyone. I can't stand drums and bass. Is it drum and bass or drums and bass? Drum and bass.

Drum and bass. I can't stand it. It's so obnoxious to me. It's a very 90s thing. It's crazy. I feel like it's 90s. Frenetic. Insane. Frenetic. But but mateo he's playing and he's warming him up and it's all like also it's for somebody may have a veteran of like 20 years in dance music open for me i'm already

like oh my god thank you so much for stooping to the level of opening for a person to wig yeah but he he's fun to travel with but he's 47. Never forget it. Never forget it. Never forget it. He's never been to Australia either. Never forget it. And he has a broken ankle because he broke his ankle a couple weeks ago. So he is my invalid daughter. Your invalid grandmother. He's my invalid grandmother.

So like, you know, traveling. I'm so used to traveling abroad. I fly through that airport. I have horse blinders on, headphones in. I don't care. You leave them in the dust. Mateo was the daughter left at the altar at every airport. And I got used to kind of grabbing him and bringing him.

And he doesn't travel? Not like where he goes through immigration knowing exactly what's going on. Who knows what's going on through immigration? So the first day of immigration, he comes up and goes, thanks for waiting for me. And I go, okay, I'll wait for you. I'll definitely wait for you. Wow. What a great host you are. He had a blast. He also texts a lot, but he waiting for me. And I go, okay, I'll wait for you. I'll definitely wait for you. Wow. What a great host you are.

He had a blast. He also texts a lot, but he's more prone to video. Okay. So all day on the WhatsApp, I'm getting a minute or two long. Oh, no. I said, let's get you a little journal, honey. Let's get you a little diary. Do you do the voice notes?

That's something I do not feature at all. Not at all. What is this, Brad G.P.G. in Brazil? I can't stand. Brazil, they love voice notes. Love it. I don't know why. I think it's also just everywhere besides America.

But also, famous people love voice notes. Why? These are the people that send me voice notes. Elizabeth Hurley. All the voice notes I've ever gotten have been from Brittany Broski, James Charles, like anybody YouTube famous. They love voice notes. Manny MUA.

Is it because they're like doing stuff with their fingers? They're otherwise occupied maybe? Gigi Gorgeous. These are the people that send me voice notes. All makeup YouTube people. And it needs to stop. Well, it's probably because they're doing their makeup. Who's that woman that's that politician who's like, stop right marianne williamson her yeah let love in by the way uh it

was just so fun and i i gotta tell you i don't want to be i i don't like gratitude because i think it's cheesy but no i'm up there there's thousands of people there the lights are pink there's pink balloons dropping pink confetti I'm playing remixes of ABBA and it's all women and faggots thrashing, thrashing in pink makeup. And people are dressed in pink. Everyone. Dress code. Everyone. I told people

even if they have tickets to turn them away at the door if they don't have pink. I said refund them at the door and send them out of here. Because it's very, I don't think I'm asking a lot. I don't think I'm asking a lot. I don't think she's asking a lot either. I don't know. I don't. $5 pink t-shirt.

Wear anything. If I, so like, if I went and I didn't have pink on, would you throw me away? Push me away? Someone told him to do. Okay.

But I don't think they actually did it. I would pull out my pants and show them my little pink pecker. It's, to me, it's the equivalent of going to a Halloween party, not in a costume. Get out of here.

Right. Get out of here. That's true. It's true. It's right. It's fair. It's fair. It's fair. It's like, if I'm in drag, it's like, I'm to a Halloween party, not in a costume. Get out of here. Right. Get out of here. That's true. It's true. It's right. It's fair. It's fair. It's fair.

It's like if I'm in drag, it's like I'm erect. Why aren't you erect? Like if I'm in a corset, by the way, me corseted with my big show pads on in that giant Christina Aguilera wig. I love that. The sweat. I took that costume off. What was the strategy?

It sounded like I was a fisherman who accidentally caught an octopus and dropped it on the poop deck. Wet, wet mud. Disgusting. But I had so much fun. I'm up there and the lights are, I'm just looking up and I'm thinking, this is what drugs feel like. Yeah. Like I was having so much fun. My heart is pounding because I'm not just excited.

I'm dancing. Oh, good for you. I'm going to pass out. I better slow down. I was that winded. A murder on the dance floor. Yeah. Thank God I do cardio

because I was like, oh yeah, you'd be like, you'd be, you probably would pass out. Heat exhaustion, dehydration. I'm trying to kick higher than I can.

So I'm like, I'm trying to like, and I'm like the knee pops off, you know, like it was. What kind of shoe you got on? Heels. Are you fucking kidding me? Heels, honey. Why? Well, I have

my little pumps on. I have reveals. There's costume reveals. Okay, but why the heels behind the booth? Well, behind the decks, I hold up a pair of pink Crocs and everyone cheers. Okay. And then I hold up my pumps. I thought they'll probably want me to stay in the pumps. You let them decide? And then they clap for the pumps. Then I hold up the Crocs. They scream. Then I hold the pumps. Then silent. They want the. Then I hold up the Crocs. They scream.

Then I hold the pumps. They love it. Then silent. They want the Crocs. They want the Crocs. They want the comfort. They want runway walks in Crocs. They want comfort in casual coolness. Yeah.

So then I put the heels on the table. I put the Croc on and lift the leg up and they go wild. They love the Croc. They love it. They can't get enough of the Croc. Because you know what though? If you're going to a dance party, I love a fun shoe. Get something you can move in.

Get something you can move in. Mary, okay, please, pop divas. I know, I understand that the line of the high heel is very seductive, whatever, whatever, blah, blah, blah. I want to go back to like, what is it, 2000, late 90s or whatever when Britney was doing her thing. Sneakers, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. Sneakers, flat, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. Yeah. Sneakers. Flat shoes. Sneakers.

Yeah. She could really move around. Yeah. I don't want anybody hobbling around in these heels. It's not good for you. I think it's not good for you. Some people wear, Billie Eilish is going to wear sneakers. Okay, good.

I think Normani has sneakers on in that one video. We got to get Beyonce on board though. With the sneakers? Yes. We got to get Beyonce on board. Let's get her sneakers? Yes. We got to get Beyonce on board. Let's get her a croc. Well, she's already almost there. She's doing a little go-go booty with like a little fur, like that homecoming.

Like Tyra. Sneak-once. What's your favorite sneaker? Our thread-once. Do your feet hurt? If I were a hoy. I heard you like to take vacations on boats. That is such a crazy bit. She really said, if I were Tolstoy, can you do a Russian accent?

Unhinged. Mary. I don't think she ever did an interview again after that. Well, we shouldn't judge the Tyra show today based on the lenses of today because you're going to be disappointed. If you go back and watch Top Model and you go with the lenses of today because you're going to be disappointed. If you go back and watch like Top Model and you go with the lenses of today, you will be disappointed. I don't think- They dress like homeless people for a shoot.

Oh, no, no, no. I was just going to say disappointed, you'll be shocked. Shocked. Shocked. Yeah. Tyra, I mean, in her talk show, she put on a fat suit to see how it-

I mean, I remember watching that. I was like, this is wild. Yeah, and if you drag somebody online for like Tyra for some shit they did, what, three decades ago, it's not the serve you think it is. Because guess what? We all agree it's whack. Right. You're not like, it's not a hot take.

Right. Then you got to come for Gwynny in her shallow howl fat suit. You know what I mean? Did you see at that trial when she won, she stopped by and put her hand on the guy's shoulder and said, I wish she was. Yeah. I wish she was. Classy.

Because they wasted her time. put her hand on the guy's shoulder and said, I wish you were. Yeah. Classy. Cause she was a class act. She could have been like, um, uh, Naomi Campbell when she was like, I don't even want to be here. I'm made to be here. Honestly,

I'm made to be here. This is a complete waste of time. Yeah. That was, that was so fierce. She was, she was, I thought she looked fabulous.

Yeah, of course. Like that was at stake. I don't know. I think she's going to, her dumpy frumpy though is a serve. I know there was no way that wasn't gonna turn out for her I know speaking of dumpy frumpy. I got a PRP PRP Is it plate rich plasma or is it plasma resurfacing? What does it stand for? It's basically micro needling

That's why my face looks like this. Let's get up in the yeah get up in the gig You can see my my yeah, yeah, my skin bounces back the gig. Yeah, get up in the gig. Have it. You can see my skin bounces back pretty fast. He goes, wow, your skin is not sensitive at all. And I said, well, you should see what I do to it every other day. Every day. Every day. I'm used to shaving. By the way, my facial hair has been coming in stronger. When I shave every day now. No, it's not the tea. I'm putting makeup over scabs. I know. No, mama, I know. Scabs. It's nothing like doing the fresh shave down, then another shave up, and then having to smash foundation into blood. And for what?

Blood. Just to look like a girl. And for what? Like a woman. So someone can fuck my titties. So some fucking teenage girl from Ohio can think I'm pretty. For what, Mary? For what?

You know what else, though? Wait, wait. So you said that that wasn't the plasma this time oh yeah this time it was entourage

which normally they take my blood they spin it they separate the plasma and they basically the way the facial works is they

wound your face with needles all over they wound they get your body to go into oh we need to repair this wound mode on your face. And then they splash the plasma on there.

And they massage your own plasma into it so that it comes back younger, tighter, fresher. Yeah. This time, instead of using my plasma and having to take my blood, they used entourage, which is a stem cell.

A stool sample. They spin the stool, right? And they separate the diarrhea from the solids. Sorry, Ross, shit on my face. That's what happened.

Yeah. They used entourage, which he said does the same same thing but you don't have to take the blood so this time and i hate them and then take the blood i hate that more than facial really yeah i hate it why it's just a needle i don't know i mean yeah do you look or do you look away of course of course what i'm not watching i know i look away too you have to look away because of course i say like i can handle it but i bet you i'm one of those people it's like anyway Of course. Of course what? I'm not watching. I know. I look away too. You have to look away. I know. I know. Because of course I say like, I can handle it, but I bet you I'm one of those people.

It's like, anyway, how was your week? Because people do just get flued out. They get flued out. Flued out. All expenses. They get all expenses paid for. They get flued out of their body. They get flued out.

They pass out. I get passed out. The Spanish flued. So it hurts. But you know, after we've been touring since March and you need a few days. You need a tune up, honey. And you need a few days off makeup to do it. Yeah.

I haven't had four days off makeup since March of last year. So I just I was supposed to do YouTube with Brittany Broski yesterday and I text her. I said, I have to take off and I have to get my face fucking needled. I'm so sorry. Yeah. I know that the nurse that I saw, has she's 47 Lori Ottinger RN 47 years old her skin looks like a baby's ass a baby. I like a baby's ass my skin guy Ross I don't want to all me Ross Callahan sure. He's amazing skincare was on Instagram. Yeah

He was talking about his skin and he just looks like a Ken doll Of course his face is if you do skin for a living, you're going to look turnt. Yeah. And he goes, yeah, I got it. He says it didn't do much because there's not really left to improve. And he meant it like I've improved my skin to the point of, yeah, it is what it is, Mary. Yeah. I mean, it wasn't bragging.

It was more like you're going to see more results than me because my skin was already there. Because I was already that girl. That girl. And you're not that type of girl. You're an old maiden type of girl. And he was honest and he was right. I mean, he's poreless. And I looked like a kitchen sponge with lashes on.

You look like, yeah, oh yeah. You look like a... Oh, well, do you feel, does it tight, so tight that it feels like your skin is like a drum? Right now it feels like a sunburn. Oh, really? Everything feels like tight and dry. Did they give you a little...

Oh, he wasn't plasma. The first day, you're not allowed to do anything. The first day, you're not allowed to do anything. What do you mean? Not wash your face, not anything. Right. The second day, you're allowed to do Evian spray. Let's take a break. The powerful backing of American Express. Terms and conditions apply. Visit amex.ca slash business platinum.

Turn off hesitation. Turn off doubt. Turn off fears. The YMCA of Greater Toronto helps you turn off whatever's holding you back so you can let your potential shine. Turn on confidence. Turn on connections. Turn on possibilities.

There are hundreds of programs and services available at the Y. See what you can achieve at YMCAGTA.org. This will be the day. Remember in Triangle of Sadness when they're eating this? No, but I do remember when the woman is pissing, no, shitting, pissing, and puking on the floor at the same time, rolling around from side to side. I thought of you. The Russian lady. I thought of you.

That was me, mama. I thought of you. I was the stunt double. Did you love it? I watched that on the plane. I loved that. That scene in particular. I thought it was very your tea.

Oh, I loved. Yeah, very your tea. Did you like that movie? It was kind of plotless, a little meandering. Entirely meandering. Yeah, it was two separate movies that movie? It was kind of plotless, a little meandering. Entirely meandering. Yeah, it was two separate movies that had no plot. I kept waiting for some massive payoff. Yeah.

Love the ship sinking. I love rich people going down. Of course, it's like, it's a critique on wealth and like, whatever. But like, then that woman dies. Yeah. Wait, which one? The woman with the shit and piss and the puke. Oh, yeah, she did.

She goes yeah Yeah Did you love I love the scene Where the woman's like One for you One for me And she's like

No no mama I'm the captain here There I clean toilets Here I'm the captain Cause I know how to fish Who's the captain It was Sickney It was Sickney

And that guy eating her pussy For shrimp Oh yes He was the little Oh lover boy You want a little fish softshell crab? Love it. Crab Rangoon.

Yeah. Yeah. I loved it. I didn't love the movie. It was fine. Yeah. I mean, it was kind of like a mood piece. It was one of those movies where I know that I'm supposed to like this, but I don't like this quality of film.

Like, you don't have to like anything. You don't have to like anything. You don't have to like anything. Because I feel like some of the prestige films, I'm like, I see what you're trying to do here. That's the problem. I'm like, I'm not going to flood to the cinema to watch Tar. That's not going to happen for me. I'm over here watching Transformers. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm low level IQ. Okay? No, yeah, yeah. That's fine. I'm low-level IQ. Okay? No, no. I tried to watch After Sun because it got great glowing reviews of that beautiful Paul Mescal. Mama, snoozerama. Who's Paul Mescal?

This gorgeous, lovely actor who was nominated for an Oscar. You better believe 10 minutes into this program, I was snoozerama. I was out. And I tried it, and I tried it, and I thought, this is deadly boring. Yeah. Is something wrong with thought, this is deadly boring. Yeah. Is something wrong with me? Is this deadly boring? Last night I watched

Paranormal Activity, the original. Yeah. I just got a hankering to watch it. Okay. Is it good? There's a lot of footage though.

Things shaking. It's very scary. Is it really? I think that movie's so scary. Is it a ghost? Well, it's all like, the point of the movie is it's like you're watching

home footage of this guy starts filming when his wife starts getting haunted. Okay. And basically it is scary. It scares me every time I watch it. Okay. But David didn't want me to watch it because David is scared of the ghosts in our house. Oh, for Christ's sake. Well, the other night I saw one.

Okay. What? So you know how I have sensitivity Yes I You can all make fun of me I don't care whatever No I'm not Listen

I'm no I'm gonna treat this like It's 100% fact Tell me But sometimes I know stuff Alright I'm gonna say It was like an imprint

Okay It wasn't like a It wasn't like an outline of a person It was It was like I know I know some things there Like you saw the butt print on the chair

No it wasn't like a movie Where it was like a handprint there. It wasn't the sixth sense. No, no, no, no. We're not doing it. I'm not Shyamalan. We're doing it real. Okay.

I'm in bed the other night. We're doing Jane Eyre. And you could say, oh yeah, you were probably dozing off. Sure. But no, I woke up, I looked over and I just went, and I looked in the doorway. It's from a sleep. Woke up and looked in the doorway. And David goes, what is it?

And I said, you don't want to know. Because he gets scared. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would get scared too. He goes, what is it? I said, I is it and I said you don't want to know because he's scared yeah yeah yeah I would what is it I said I'll tell you tomorrow because you don't want to know well that's not very help and then he went back to sleep and the next day he's like what did what was it and I said it was a guy in our house did he look like long dark hair about here with a mustache and a little goatee oh I don't like that I said he was just in the doorway I said I wasn't scared but I saw him and that's it are you serious so then I said it's fine I said I wasn't. I said, he was just in the doorway. I said, I wasn't scared, but I saw him and that's it. Are you serious?

So then I said, it's fine. I said, I wasn't scared. I said, it just scared me. Cause it's a, I said,

he's like, you saw it. And I said, it's not like I saw it, but I knew what I was looking at. It was like, Oh, that's right there.

And I know what's the person looks like. Have you ever had sleep paralysis? The doorway of our bed? No, no, no, I wasn't paralyzed. I was sitting up watching.

No, I'm just saying, yeah, I've sat up and went, yeah. And as soon as i sat up and went i saw it and he goes what is it and i was like you don't want to know so now he doesn't want me watching ghost stuff in our house because he thinks too bad i just watched the movie ghost the other day otome brown you want to kiss my butt sam sam wheat I signed the wrong name gas I get a little gas from time to time it's brilliant

brilliant yeah brilliant what be didn't she leave the view um isn't she done now she won an Oscar for that role I believe

she deserved it best supporting actress yeah she deserved it she ate and shat all over that role amazing yeah Demi Moore

lovely but she does good she did a good job she did a good job she did a good job but damn Tony I would fuck that Carl

Carl the friend the villain I would fuck that man the way I would fuck him the way that I would

take that villainous dick and shove it right up my posse really yeah you think those things are scary the shadows that

grab them? Not at all. Not at all. Not at all. A little cheesy on the effects, but hey, it was the 90s. Or the 80s. It's a very sad movie.

It's the end when he says bye, she says bye to him. Yeah. It's very sad. It's very sad. Very jealous. It's very sad. Wait, do you remember the train hopper?

Get off my train. Just one drag. That's me. That's me. Why are you hounding? Oh, so good. Why are you hounding me? So good.

Oh, and then Barbarian, of course, we watch it again. You watch it again? Yeah. Do you love the tea? Do you like when she's like, she wants you to drink? Yeah, drink it. You're a beer baby. Would you have drank it?

I would have sucked that nasty titty. Yeah, of course. What are you going to do? Throw up? Do you know how long it took me to understand that the flashbacks were flashbacks? How long? A lot of the movie. Really?

What did you think they were? I thought it was something mystical like, oh, no one else sees this neighborhood for what it is. Oh, okay. A shitty neighborhood. And it took me later. I was like, oh, this is time has gone by. I mean, you know love it i she was fierce which i mean spoilers and we already talked about this movie but that first sort of vignette it is so it is set up so well and then bam bam bam bam

and then jam yeah and the And the Pennywise guy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What a lovely film. Yeah, it was a lot. I went through a lot on tour as far as people holding up phones with words on them. Oh, DJ requests. Requests, but also comments, concerns, local references.

The weather. Yeah, stop doing that. Barometric pressure. I'll tell you what. Dewpoint. You can all put me in jail. I'm not playing your song. No, that's your whole job is to select the songs. I brought these songs on this flash drive. This is what I have.

This is what I have. We're not playing Let Loose. No. It's not a John Cage improvisational structure. Yeah, and of course it's like, oh, can you play the Rusical from season 10? What? Yeah.

People ask, people request the Drag Race commercial. Go get out of here. I brought this VCR of a Hot Pockets commercial. This is a fucking faggot event.

It's not Build-A-Bear Mama. Get the fuck out of here. It's not a collage. We're not in kindergarten. It's not interpretive art. It's not, it's not collaborative. Oh,

speaking of which, guess what I did? I did a talk in my alma mater. Oh, minute you went to boston yeah i went to boston last week yeah what happened oh my god it was wild so alma mater i just figured out means nourishing mother by the way and um it so i went to my old department they had a like an event and i i got up on stage and i said you were the nourishing mother and then i made them all suck from my great yeah no but it was uh i it was cool my old um one of my old professors like did a q a with me and they just chatted with um it was so fun i got to see all my

old um what kind of questions did they ask they asked like um how did you get your legs so long that's um um uh yes they did they want to i talked about you they want to fuck me yeah they pretty much all want to fuck you but yeah too afraid of what it might do to them be you no no this is mass art oh mass art yeah and i got to um and then i got to like uh hang out with an old girlfriend it was just lovely we went out to dinner it was a whole thing was a whole thing. It was a whole Boston thing. It was lovely. Do you like to go back to Boston and visit? For these little tiny little nuggets.

Yeah. But it's cold, bitch. Girl. It's cold and nasty and rotten. I know. You know what though? Not to be. I'm ready for this shit to end.

What? This gray rainy shit? This doom and gloom. Yeah. I think I have water damage in my house. I do too. I can't stand it. I have it in the first floor What am I supposed to do? You have to bulldoze the whole thing

David said go out to the guest house and try to open the door And he said to think the floor is warped Great The floor is warped in my bathroom and then downstairs in my little gym It sounds so bougie I think there's mold mama You've had a good run though let the black mold in that's why i go down there and i just scrape some off and i put on my cheerios

in the morning but is this the area where you pissed yourself on purpose um no okay different area yeah i don't mama i'm gross but i don't mix piss and mold i'm not an animal okay let's get that right that would be disgusting that would be disgusting. That would be disgusting. Yeah. Hold on. Hold up. Remix. Oh, my face. It's starting to itch.

Oh, don't touch it. It's in like the itching phase. You're not allowed to put in like a little. Yeah. Missed it. Missed it, mama. Missed it. Misty.

Misty May. You know what else? What? I think Vanity's been really open about her. Her what? She got a little. Oh, yeah. Her BBL.

Her lipo. Her surge. Her sex change. What are you talking about? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What do you mean? What's the point here?

The envy. Oh. Because she's so snatched. Mama. She looks. She's wearing these little Barbie outfits. She puts on a little shaper. Just a little.

Just a little shaper. No, for real. And I think it's time we talk about Kevin. We need to talk about Kevin. Do you know something I want to tell you really quick after we take a break? Uh-huh. Get ready to uncover your potential with the all-new LG Gram Pro laptop. Staying as light as a gram, this powerhouse is

here to elevate your workflow. Powered by Intel Core Ultra Processor with AI-adhanced capabilities, you can keep your cool and stay in control of your work with advanced power dual cooling. Welcome to the pro-life with LG Gram Pro. Experience the power of pro get your lg gram pro today pro anytime anywhere have you been keeping up with track race at all not at all not at all i did a podcast the other day where i had to watch the tic-tac luncheon oh yeah i can't believe they're still allowed to do the tic-tac luncheon oh right if we're talking about canceling disorder yeah yeah yeah i mean there's got to be some you have to preserve some level of like whimsy or irony or like something in that show.

It can't all be like, let's all hug each other and think about God's light. Yeah. You know what I mean? Speaking of Tic Tac Luncheon. Yeah. Tic Tac Luncheon. You want to get lipo? Yeah.

Okay. Let's talk this through. But it's genetics, Mary. I'm the only person who even when i was running the marathon my fucking thighs were touching like no no no no i think i think that you should it's you should explore it like and i'm like i would never change my body for drag bitch i'm in drag fucking five days a week like yeah if i have some opportunity to shrink my middle so that i don't have to fucking listen every day.

I mean, I'm not enthusiastic about it, but I'm like this level of corseting and stuff for what? Perceivably 20 more years. I'm like, this is crazy. What's worse for me? Like corseting. I mean, I don't have, and this is horrible. This is my own damage.

I don't have a high level of respect for ultimate surging why do you think because why well i always just feel like with body changing there's the natural way to do everything like diet exercise whatever natural you know does that even mean i know what you mean it's free It's good for you But I mean Watching And I'm like God if I was Vanity And I could just put on a little Yeah And have that shape

Yeah That would be great for me What if you were Reba? I never think about Changing my face really No Okay because you're Pairing a mask on

Yeah and also Nothing about what I do To my face hurts me Having to do this all the time Hurts It hurts It hurts I know I know

Listen I haven't worn a corset since halfway through our tour. Couldn't do it. Even if I have to give pig in a blanket from the side, I don't care. I'm it's, it's not worth it. It's like the, the,

the quality of life when I transitioned from that corset to no corset was so dramatic and it wasn't even that much of a change. Well, in order to see the difference, you really have to, you got to yank that thing. And then it's so painful. And I'm supposed to wiggle and move and gyrate and undulate.

I don't know. I think you should go get lipo tomorrow and I'm going to take you to the doctor. I just fear like, um, you know, being too hot, fly and sexy that people want to fuck you. When you to the doctor. I just fear like, you know, being too hot, fly and sexy that people

want to fuck you all the time. When you remove the fat cells, right? And then over time you gain weight. You'll gain everywhere but there. Yeah, but we're not gaining that back. And then I'm going to be an old man

with an hour shape, hourglass shape, which I think could be whack. No, we're not gaining weight back. We're not gaining weight back. Is there a way to get, you know,

people go like, I just want a little, but they mean a lot. Is there a way to actually get a little ozempic yeah but i don't need full body weight loss i just want this to go away and i think that this is like the thinnest i've ever been call it the doctors this more yeah talk about lipo and i'm not talking about anybody else's bodies i'm allowed to talk about my body talk about our own bodies come on i've had botox i've had fucking gel put into my lips you know i've had my asshole darkened bleached and then darkened again you know yeah hair put on hair plugs around the hole yeah yeah they take that's why i only have half an eyebrow because the other half is like around my asshole or i'm gonna have

to get on testosterone no see that's something I really don't think you should do. Well, the problem with getting on hormones is your body adjusts to them and you're pretty much beholden to them. Cause you ever stopped taking them. Your body's shocked. Yeah. Cause you're like,

your body's like, we haven't made these in years. What do you want us to do about it? I think that, well, I know that if you start taking testosterone, we're going to be filming at wow. And you're going to beat me up.

I hope so. And I'm going to like it. But punching the mouth though. And then the lips are bigger. Oh, okay. Now we're talking. Now we're talking. I'm going to be filming at WoW and you're going to beat me up. I hope so. And I'm going to like it. I'm going to punch you in the mouth though and then the lips are bigger. Oh, okay. Now we're talking. I'm going to squeeze your little love handles to give you some good old fashioned analog lipo.

We should start doing like Victorian makeup of like a pinprick of blood and then blush or like pinching the lips, pinching the cheeks. Yeah, and then biting the lips to get bloody for lipstick. Basically just a lot of blood. A lot of blood. And then maybe some lead paint. But I'm scared of surgeries.

Me too, Mary. And I have to go get one in three weeks. Two weeks. It's time. Two and a half weeks. Oh, by the time this comes out, I might have already had my hip replaced. Well, do you want to tell people what shows you're not going to be able to go to? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'm very sorry to say that I will not be going to Australia for Drag Expo. I had to cancel because I needed to get this thing dealt with pronto. Because not only is like, so I did a gig yesterday, a seated gig in drag. Oh, it's so painful. Just sitting with my legs crossed in drag. And like walking is not like really a thing especially not in heels so it was just miserable and um it just it just needs to come out there's no cartilage there's no cartilage whatsoever but that surgeon is so fucking hot mary yeah he's so

hot i want him to just do you know what sometimes when they do surgeries, they forget instruments inside the person's body? Oh yeah. Love it. You wake up with a speculum. I just have a pain right here. Oh, forceps. Yeah. Those are my aunts.

Sorry. Love that. Yeah. I mean, you're also, we are not doing Bald and the Beautiful. Yeah. And then LA.

Yes. Because I thought, listen, I thought it might be cute to, cause you know, sometimes the recovery on the surgery is not so bad. I mean, I could be up and doing karate in four days,

who knows, but, um, just to be safe on the streets. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got to pound the payment.

I got to do my beat. I get it. I get it. I get to do my beat, but, I was thinking about doing it in a walker wheelchair, but I thought it's a little bit kind of distasteful. I don't know.

It's just weird. And then Milwaukee, Milwaukee. Unfortunately, we got somebody instead of you. Yeah. That's kind of a serve.. I don't know. It's just weird. And then Milwaukee. Milwaukee, unfortunately. You know, though, we got somebody instead of you. That's kind of a serve. Miss Cracker. Alaska.

Oh, that's fantastic. She's great. She's going to bring it. Oh, yeah. Unlike some people. Some people. So I called Alaska personally, and I said, I don't know if you've talked to Katya, but she's been going through a lot.

And thank you for jumping on. Because it's an 18-plus night. The fans won't be disappointed they love alaska she's so fabulous she was at the gig yesterday it was very fun but people love to see you and i was like how are we going to find somebody like that they're that excited about and luckily alaska's yeah jumping in that's that's wonderful thank you alaska thank you alaska for doing what she couldn't now when's yours are you could we do the pod? Could I come to you and do the pod from your bedside? Yes.

I hope there's a drainage tube somehow, somewhere. You want to change my staples? I've been seeing a lot of pictures of people getting FFS, facial feminization surgery. That recovery, because it's full face. Oh, that's something totally different. These poor women are bloodied bruised swollen yeah your whole head looks like pumpkin head it's pumpkin head it's yeah it's crazy it's great that's so my heart goes out to that process because you're like i just want to

look beautiful and you're like but you had so that's always that fascinates me too because i see the you know you see that after surgery the next day, it's like, how do you trust that the swelling will go down gradually enough where your more beautiful self will be revealed like a sculpture? You hope. Well, and you just have to wait sometimes a month or more. A month. Is that my dog? This is my neighbor. That bitch. The neighbor who says that I make noise with is my neighbor. That bitch.

The neighbor who says that I make noise with my no dogs and barely hear. I hate neighbors. Do you want me to go pee around? I have a pet peeve about if you move into an apartment, a condo, a living complex, you're going to always hear someone. Yeah. You cannot. The only way to have that happen is to live in an empty building. Yes.

Now, you love to walk your beat. Now that you live up the hill, do you walk up and down that street? I certainly don't. Yeah, you're going to get hit by a car. Thank you. Just today, I mean, I won't bore you with the details,

but it was wilding out with Nick Cannon today. Everybody was just wilding. I was like NASCAR. They were doing the Indy 500. They're doing, you know, Gorillas in the Mist. I have my little backyard. I go up the Indy 500. They're doing, you know, Gorillas in the Mist. I have my little backyard. I go up and down the stairs.

I go up and down the stairs. Of course, my poor little hip can't take much more than that. That's right. What am I asking? If you're walking the beat, you can't even walk. And driving is tough because of the flexion on my right. It's a real sad, sad story. It's not exactly a walkable neighborhood. Like those Hollywood Hills, do you want to get struck by a vehicle?

Walk through those hills. I cannot. Every day I am dumbstruck that there is not littered with corpses on those streets. Because, no, seriously. That's just from you. Mama, the other day I was driving home at like 2 p.m. And there were like three separate people were in the middle of the road talking to a truck or a car in the middle of the road, gabbing, gabbing. And when I pulled up to them, they acted like I had just barged into their living room and had interrupted them having sex.

I was like, what is the level of entitlement happening here? You're in the middle of the road. Get the fuck out of here. You're in the middle of the road. You're in the middle of the road. And you're glaring at me. And you know how they say most car accidents happen within a mile of the home or whatever? People who live up in those hills are used to driving.

I have ridden with people who live up there. It's Cruella de Vil. Eyes blazing. Yeah, it's Mad Max Fury Road. They're spraying their teeth with silver and they're just careening around those corners. It's gross. Doesn't Charlize have no arm in that uh she i think she does lose an arm yeah i ran into charlize's pr person i believe get out of here charlize africa charlize theron yeah and she loves trixie katya wait i know

that yeah how do i know that i don't know i think maybe you just told me maybe i just told you yeah that's how you found out. I think that's great. I had a lovely. Oh, Andrew went to a party with her. She's very cool. She's one of the girls. I'm assuming she's one of the girls. Very cool.

Yeah. She's a good time gal. I went to dinner the other night with Sia. You had a lot of famous friends now. I feel very left out. Well, I feel like every time I tell a cool story, then I'm name dropping. But don't you guys want to know about Dinner with Sia? So then whatever.

I want you to throw all the names on the ground. Just maybe also invite me every once in a while. I know. You know, I like, I'm dying to see what Lisa Vanderpump's rug

tastes like. You know, I want to go and see. You want to feed the swans. I want to feed the swans. Yeah. I want to like scoop some poisonous water out of that moat

and splash it on somebody's face. You know, swans are... I know a little bit about birds. Swans can be prone to aggression. Yeah, they're nasty. Nasty, rude. Even if I own them, I'd be a little scared of them. No, that's why they're in a moat.

They're big. Yeah, they're big and they're ornery. And when you get out of your car and you walk by them, they are a little like... Yeah. What the fuck do you want, bitch? Exactly. They're like, this is my little circle bitch yeah that's their beat hello um and that shit right that shit that gets all up in the the crooks of

your sneaker yeah um one of cia's neighbors is somebody that thank god this person didn't come to dinner johnny depp steve carell because i would have lost my mind oh you would have had an anger because you know how I feel about the office. You would have squirted blood out of your eyeballs. And do you know how horrible it is for someone who, what office was what? 15, 20 years ago now.

Do you know how horrible it is for someone like me to launch into a, I'm sorry. I don't think it's that horrible. I would flip out and he would be like, yeah, thank you. Thank you. And I'd be like,

I don't know. Like I would be gushingushing i love the office so much i mean so much people who become actors are not necessarily doing it because they hate being loved or admired or adored or fawned over you know what i mean it's not like you're having dinner with oj simpson you're like oh my god i can't believe you killed your ex-wife you know what i mean like we talk about naked gun oh that's true I'm gonna have a murder Leslie Nielsen like Oh Leslie Nielsen my older I think I told you this my roommate had no My old roommate had a picture with Leslie Nielsen

Had a picture of him that he used to write Leslie Nielsen fan letters when he was a kid And Leslie Nielsen sent him an 8x10 that said like keep laughing Leslie Nielsen and we had it framed in our house Leslie he was like if our house ever started on fire that's the only thing that's great yeah you know i have a thing from jodie foster fun oh i just got a good one what i just got it from nev an 8x10 from nev campbell that says tricksy don't fuck with the original nev campbell and i think for halloween i'm gonna put it out with like candles like a shrine i'll be ghost-faced and i'll come in and i'll did you finally see the new scream no mary i don't

want to watch it it's so good i don't believe you mary you sit down and watch these oscar bait movies but you'll watch something actually good i tried to watch the whale i couldn't do it i can't watch the way you watch the way i watched the whale i watched all of it i can't watch the whale you watch the whale i watched the whale i watched all of it i watched it on the plane to australia and i watched it like this i can't believe you watched that fucking mess i'm very impressed i'm very impressed i have thoughts well how far did you get in about 15 minutes max well it opens with the jerking off. So he was jerking off. I paused the film. I had to shut the door to that spiritual realm once he was imploring the missionary to recite something as a calming mechanism. Just read it. Just read it.

Read it. And he's like, okay, fried wontons and pork fried rice. He's like reading a Chinese food menu or something or whatever. In the beginning of the movie, we don't know what he's reading. It's an essay. It's a bad essay from his daughter or something. Right. But we don't know it's from his daughter.

We don't even know he's a teacher by that point. We're like, yes, we do. Yes, we do. He's on the Zoom. He's on the Zoom. Oh, we do. Yeah, he's on the Zoom. Teaching on the Zoom.

By the way, I love this scene where he reveals himself on the camera and all the students start taking pictures and they all look shocked. Like they've never seen a fat person before. Right. Maybe it's because i'm from the midwest i'm like mama that's not fat that's i like there's a lot of great big fat people in there but i'll say i think he played like fat to the level of dying the constant respiration the constant sweating it was a movie you're like oh he's on death's door he's sick it was sick it was he was a like a grotesque pathetic um uh character that you were supposed to be repulsed and like by you know yeah i just thought it was so unnecessary i'm just well this is the

other problem it was a fine movie it was fine I laughed a few times when I shouldn't have laughed. I laughed and he goes, I want to have done something in my life. I laughed. I laughed at that in the trailer because I was like, okay, Oscar nomination. Here we go. That's the problem.

I said to David Silver yesterday, I said... I don't know if I should do one thing right. Put a fat suit on him, give him brown teeth, make him ugly cry, and there's your Oscar. That's what I don't like about it. No, it's supposed to mean something. It's so craven.

And it's so, and like, it's so like, they say it's her year. Do you know what I mean? It's so that. And you know what? The thing that I'm so surprised that people can't like consistently.

And, and you can tell these actors are really buy into the bullshit. They really, really buy into the bullshit. And I'm not even saying he's not a good actor. No, no, me neither. I'm just saying this is the movie. And I know this is the Oscar movie. They really, really buy into the bullshit. And I'm not even saying he's not a good actor. No, no, me neither. I'm just saying this is the movie.

This is the Oscar movie. I know. I know. But like when Julia Roberts won. Give me this Oscar, bitch. Yeah, but they'll do the Oscar.

We should have gave you the Oscar, you know, five years ago. But you were in a movie this year, so we're going to do it now. Well, he also, a few years ago,

and this is like, he did a very open interview about sexual assault that he experienced in the industry. And so we know that the industry. Yeah. And so we know that the industry has done him horribly wrong. Yeah.

As they have many actors. Yeah. But it was just like, this isn't the movie. Although Miss Hong Chow. Miss Hong Chow always turns it off. You turn it off before later when she has her like. Yeah. Well, I would rather see Miss Chow in anything else.

Watch Ben. You know. I watched that again in Australia, the whole series. So she was in, you watched the whole series again again it's only eight episodes that's true rip through it or maybe it's nine so good i find something new every time it's so um she uh she later has an interview like a like a she talks to the missionary later in the movie about you find out who she is. She's a nurse. Yeah. But she's like.

She's the sister of the former lover, right? Yeah. And the former lover killed himself because he joined that church. So the person proselytizing is from the exact church that made this guy so depressed and gay. Oh, wow. So this is a real feel good film. It's a very sad. You didn't see the ending.

He goes into heaven. He walks towards the light. She stands there and reads her essay. Sadie Sink. Sadie Sink, who's so mean to him the whole movie. I mean, I understand that whatever, that's your dad. I don't get into, what, now you're my dad? Where have you been?

I never buy into that. Like, people being shitty. If he really is a stranger, then you shouldn't be so shitty to him like you know what that's a really good point that's a really i don't buy into like yeah and where were you dad yeah you just wouldn't she calls him a faggot which i think is pretty fierce that's cool i love when justin long says i'm barbarian what's up faggot love it love it i love it barbarian when he's on the internet and he goes love it i love it barbarian when he's on the internet and he goes yeah hell yeah bitch so funny justin long is an icon he should have been in the whale do you see tusk no that's honey baby that's up your aisle okay okay okay okay okay okay so so give me a little

give me a little morsel give me something to go um give me a little uh warm on the hook there's a guy who um okay stop me I'll stop you right there. I don't want to know anything. I want to go into it. Yeah. You got to watch it. It's fucking crazy. Tell me it's really good.

Oh, I'm not saying it's good. I'm saying you'll like it. Is Elizabeth Shue in it? I don't remember. Who's in it? Who's in it? Justin Long. Oh, is it?

Oh, I think it is Elizabeth Shue. No. He has a girlfriend. I don't remember who it is. You fuck with yellow jackets? Of course I only watched the first episode Of the new season though

Okay I'm up to only on that too It opened with that Sharon Bennett and song 17 which I That's my goon That's my stand on a rooftop And smoke and cry song

I don't even smoke And I can't get on my roof It's great Those girls are Turnting the party Yeah They're turnting it Juliette Lewis

Yeah Eat it Christina Ricci Reaching Yeah Eat it. Juliette Lewis. Yeah. Eat it. Christina Ricci. Reaching. Yeah. Eat it. Her talking to that parrot. Uh huh.

Eat it. I only saw episode one though. It's good. It's I've only saw it. She ate that ear. Yeah. She sure did. Miss Jackie.

Love that we get Jackie beyond the grave as like visions. Yeah. Love. Wait to see what happens with Miss little dead Jackie in the next episode. Jackie. She can get fucked. I'm not saying it um i knew they're gonna fuck the dead body um yeah yeah jackie last night in in la they did a stage reading of jennifer's body oh i just watched that recently for the first time do you like it yeah i thought it was fun it was like a clueless horror movie the girl who plays jackie in the stage reading played Needy.

Amanda Seyfried's character. And the girl from, oh, Rachel Sennett from Bodies, Bodies, Bodies. Okay. Played Jennifer. Okay. In the stage reading. And David went to it last night. He said it was good.

What happened to Jennifer Fox or Jennifer? Megan Fox. Megan Fox. She didn't want to come back for the stage reading, I'm sure. No, no, no. I mean, not just in general. She's with Machine Gun Kelly. She's vibing.

But he just cheated on her or something. I think she has enough money. Okay, okay. People get that rich and they're just like, whatever. I guess so, yeah. I mean, it's so sexist and stupid of me to assume that a woman's so beautiful, whatever, she'll not want to be in the public eye because she is truly stunning. So beautiful.

I know. Like otherworldly gorgie. Is she from the Midwest? She kind of has a Midwest accent. I don't know. Like otherworldly Gorgie. Is she from the Midwest? She kind of has a Midwest accent. I don't know. When she says Megan. Her name is Megan, but she goes Megan. I don't know.

I don't know. I really have a hard time with the name Megan. Megan. What's your preferred spelling? Do you like an M-E-G-H-A-N? Who's doing the H? Some people are doing the H. Try hard bitches.

Try hard bitches. What about M-E-G-Y-N? M-E-I-G-H-G-E-H-N. Megan. M-A-Y hyphen G-H-Y-N-N-E. Totally. Megan. McGeen.

Did you see Megan? I sure didn't. We already talked about it. We did? Okay. Yeah. Megan 2 is coming up and it's all animatronic dogs. No, it's not.

No, it's not. I've been watching Will & Grace. Just like something to put on. I like to put something on while I do my makeup. I like to put TV shows on. Will & Grace is so good. Yeah. I mean, I know it's gay and I know it's a little like try hard millennial to like something that old.

Karen Walker is fabulous though. So fabulous. Yeah. And Ms. Sean Hayes. Oh, she's, she's so,

she eats. She comes in every episode. I believe she wasn't even out. Like, I don't think she was allowed to be out. Okay. Which is so interesting. And then Eric McCormick's not gay,

which is amazing. He's not gay. Yeah. And, um, who plays, who plays Grace? Debra's great. He's not gay. Yeah. And who plays Grace? Debra Messing. Debra Messing is amazing.

Yeah. She's really good at that character. So good. Yeah. They're all good. It's just flawless. Yeah. I mean, I'm on season three.

We haven't even gotten to Beverly Leslie yet. But when Leslie Jordan comes on, it gets crazy. And then Brian Jordan Alvarez, right? He's in the reboot.arez right he's in the reboot oh he's the reboot okay yeah and then who else Minnie Driver's in it Minnie Driver yeah and then I think Natasha Lyonne's and then Molly Shannon oh man it's like their crazy neighbor the show's so good Molly Shannon is so fierce in the first episode of the show Divorced on HBO she eats that entire fucking thing she chomps on Sarah Jessica Parker's heels her shins her knees her little bony legs her hair everything she eats up the whole scene it's so fabulous I did a show once with a drag queen named Sarah no her name was Jurassic Caparca it's a reach right it's Christina Ricci yeah

well I think that's all we have for today would you like to tell them where you can find some lovely skin products to use well go over to evian because that's all i'm you know yeah oh it's just water it's just water a little salty evian don't you think yeah my skin just feels tight and sunburned. It feels horrible. I'm going to get lipo at the same time you get your leg done. Let's go under the knife together. Ogo, you'll love my doctor. He's so hot.

All right. Bye. Goodbye. Bye.