The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - A Hot Masseuse Has Sex with Freddy Krueger with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: June 28, 2022

Do you find yourself frequently having dreams about a burned, disfigured man wearing a dirty red-and-green-striped sweater and brown fedora? In these dreams, does said man make pun-based jokes and threaten to kill you? Has your bed recently tried to eat you? If so, you may have unintentionally roused the ire of a certain "Mr. Frederick Krueger." While a horrific death may be in your future, we offer the following option: propose a mutually-agreed-upon sexual romp with Freddy in exchange for your soul. While an orifice or two may be extremely sore the next morning, it may just save your life. Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To pre-order your copy of our new book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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for just $4.99 a month. Savings may vary. Eligibility and member terms apply. Hi. Should we talk? I mean, just listen. It's... It's not... It is what it is, bitch.

It's not optimal. Is it optimal? No. No, it's not optimal. This is Boo Boo. It's Boo Boo the Fool. Hello, I'm Boo Boo and this is the Fool.

We're over here on the pod. We're in Perth. We're in our third night at the um the fucking legendary aster theater right next to the fat dragon um chinese restaurant girl not to tell her story because i don't do that but uh we pulled up in the bus and we pulled up in the bus and kelly got out and said well this doesn't look like the theater we were next door at the chinese restaurant and i said Kelly, this is a restaurant. She said, ow, ow.

Also, I have a chair. I share. I wanted to say dressing room, but she's in an office. She's in an office. You're in a broom closet. And you're in a kitchen. Asked her theater. This is what it takes.

And this is what it takes. And I heard Kelly in there. Kelly sings Rosa's turn in the show. And I heard her go, why did I do it? Like, I heard her just sing that line to herself. And I was like, Kelly just secretly getting ready. Why did I do it? Third night.

This is what it takes. This is what it takes. So we're at. I don't ever want to appear ungrateful. I don't either. However. Unless you want to. And then we can. You what every job has it's something you complain about yeah today we are at with for the last three days

we've been in a venue that i won't say was prepared for this show no i think they were prepared for they were they were booked for some old maiden type of show and they don't possess the vernacular that they need to. They think they do. Yeah. To be honest, they would have been prepared for our solo shows. I did a solo show here. Yes, I did as well.

Yeah. Sold out. Sold out. Sold out. Sold out. Pretty much sold out. But it's getting to the point where Eden and I have made a pact. First, it was we can't complain until 5 p.m.,

and now I pushed it until after the show and so far so good but that would not have been possible on day one no i i don't do a yeah it's it's tough listen this is this is the hardest touring year ever i think probably would you say that your solo show was harder than this or easier easier yourier. Your solo show was easier? Yes. I was on stage for like 20 minutes. I had like 45 minutes of video. I know. I saw it. I loved it.

If anybody out there did not see Help Me, I'm Dying. It's not for everybody. It's not for everybody. But this, I'm a lot more, I'm way prouder of this one. Yeah. And I think this is a much better show. It's a lot more work I was never

I was doing quick changes But I had to I had to change once In my solo show It was seven minutes long Seven minutes long, Mary Girl, your show I was like

Did she go home? There were some videos in yours That I'm like She's not even here She left the theater I changed at a leisurely pace Yeah And then I had two or three cigarettes. And then I came back and then I probably changed again.

And I would just like, and I wandered back on stage for the last bit. It was just. It's really a fashion show. You come out, you show a lovely outfit. You know what? It was like a real drag show where you have all this time to kill between numbers. Exactly. This.

Oh, no, no, no. There's no time to kill. This show. Are you kidding me? I wish. Quick changes. Yeah. between numbers. exactly. This, oh no, no, no. There's no time to kill. This show, are you kidding me? I wish. Quick changes. Yeah. Quick changes.

Yeah. Like those quick, quick, quick, quick changes. But you know what? We have lovely accommodations and it's just the contrast

from the accommodations to the, the, the stage. The stage is so wild. We're staying at the Ritz Carlton. It's the Ritz Carlton. I've never felt so decadent. I think this is the best motel I've ever stayed at. It's so decad We're staying at the Ritz Carlton. It's the Ritz Carlton. I've never felt so decadent.

I think this is the best hotel I've ever stayed at. It's so decadent. Besides the Trixie Motel. Yeah. But as far as like fancy hotels. Yeah. This is. They knocked on my door.

I was doing an interview this morning with Rolling Stone. They knocked on my door at 10 a.m. and delivered a complimentary bottle of Merlot. Are you serious? I said, it's 10 in the morning. And they said, it's complimentary. I said, all right. Okay. And then I thought of my daughter, Kelly. And said you know what we're gonna need this i know a woman in need give me that merlot you got any extra girl oh i drink girl i asked kelly i asked kelly kelly i don't know do you drink and she goes oh i drink like it was a warning

like get ready bitch like a floodgate was gonna open she said you don't know what's about to hit you because you know sometimes when you want a glass of wine and you're responsible like me you just need an enabler yes you need a friend yeah yeah and on the previous tour gabriel the queen yeah gabriel would be like well the bottle's half gone we might as well finish it and then he's like love that well now that's gone should we crack open and then he he's my roller coaster of emotion and kelly's like my i walked back in her dressing room yesterday and i said kelly let's have a glass of wine and hers was half gone and she goes i don't know who did that and she was earnest she said i don't know who drank that delusion screen white the information she said i her dressing room by

herself with her single bottle of wine. And by the way, on this tour, her rider, if you don't know a rider, is like a, I don't know. What does your rider say? I don't know. I think it just says towels and ensure. I haven't updated it in a while. I think we should do, when we have performers on the show, we should have them bring their riders and we should review their riders. Yeah.

I bet we have friends who have psychotic riders Yeah I think somebody did that on like a cruise once Like Raja had the most insane rider Or no no she had the most insane tech sheet That's right It was the tech sheet Yeah yeah yeah yeah But for riders

No I think mine is like really simple It's like the ability to get the air temperature below 50 degrees And like probably like popcorn or something i don't know i think mine is uh because you know people put things on writers that are weird just to see if they read them yeah you know that yes of course that's why that's where the whole like red eminem thing comes from just to see people if it just to see if people do it because i there was only one time i i realized that i forget what it was it was like a year ago i there was only one time I realized that, I forget what it was. It was like a year ago. There was only one venue that actually fulfilled my whole rider.

Yeah. And it was like shocking. It's shocking when they do it. And it's always like a college. Yes. It's never a nightclub that actually books talent. No, never. It's always a college.

And they're like, and it's some person who's like coming in sweaty from like the suburbs to get your like, you know, like barbecue ranch Titos or something they're like oh i'm sorry i'm sorry yeah yeah it's crazy it's pretty rough i um but i love i love the um oh you know what is funny this is so something is interesting what is it i can't wait to hear it i need to know so we're staying at the Ritz Carlton A famously like very ritzy hotel Five star hotel But if you notice If you notice the architecture The design elements The furnitures

The cabinets, the fixtures Of course it is, it's cheap Fucking boo boo I just saw this incredible Twitter thread about The rise of minimalism, not like minimalism, the aesthetic, but as a simplification, a reduction of all detail. I know. Disguised as design elements.

It's not a design element. It's disguised as design element. And it's not, oh, I'm a minimalist. No, no, no, no. You have no detail. You're boring yeah like it's no but minimalism was a thing i would say the the room i think we have identical rooms it's it's mid-century and it's minimal and you see us in mid-century furniture and like century means

nothing anymore now you know what i mean mid-century modern was like west dome it means cheap we're not just coming for venues anymore. We're coming for furniture. We're coming for five star hotels. Now that you got this air con unit. Honey. You got nothing to talk about anymore. Now we have to move on to other elements. I want a price tag on this couch.

Yeah. No, but I mean, so at this, so I was like gagged when we walked into the hotel. Cause it's, it's the first, I was like, holy shit. Holy shit. It was like, this is so crazy. Walking in the room. It's enormous. The blinds are on a motor.

It's a motorized blind. That girl. It's insane. It's insane. It's crazy. I pretty much jerk off to that. Yeah. Walking in the room at night and have it open.

The shears. It's fierce. Just when you think you can't get any dark, you put the shears and then the blinds. It's fierce. It's so fierce. It's really fierce. Then you walk into the living room. First of all, the hotel has a living room. It's fierce. It's so fierce. It's really fierce. But then you walk into the living room. First of all, the hotel has a living room.

That's amazing. But the couch. It's not great. Flop. Flop Tina Bestie. Flop Tina Bestie collection at West Elm. It's horrible. It's horrible.

It is. I mean. I don't want to sit on it. I certainly wouldn't buy it for myself or for anybody. Well, that furniture is not made for the home. What's it made for? Commercial spaces. It's not made

for your real home. It's going to be like easier to clean fabric. It's going to be more durable like they make for... Throw a plastic over it. Girl, throw it off the...

Put some pillows on the floor. You know, hang one of those yoga ropes on the ceiling. I'll just hang upside down from that shit and watch TV. Put a Papa, put his a Papa's on Papa John.

It's a Papa John. I think those chairs are called Papa John's. I think you're right. Hang a Papa John. Looking for a path to accelerate your career, clear direction for next level success? In a place that is innovative and practical? A path to stay current and connected to industry?

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Visit td.com slash smallbusinessm match to book an appointment with one of our advisors. Speaking of riders, the number of, we got to talk about the number of barbecue chips that are in my room right now. I think Brandon mentioned that I might want barbecue chips. I walked into four, four full size barbecue chip bags. And I said, okay, Miss Big. Okay, Miss Weight Gain Tour. Okay, Miss Barbecue. Miss Patty Hartbuckle. Yeah, Miss Biggie.

Yesterday, somebody at the meet and greet said to us, you look so much thinner in person. Oh, my God. Your face is a huge on the telly. Our faces are huge on TV. And then he said, we are, quote, unquote, fatties on the telly. unquote fatties on the telly. Your fatties on the telly.

So Jesus. I'm trying to be a fatty in real life, bitch. This is your weight gain tour. Let's talk about it. I'm up. I'm up. She's up. From what though?

From a Halloween skeleton? She's up from bones. Girl, you're up from Boniva. When you start with just the bones you move from philadelphia to dallas buyers club yeah i'm trying to get to detroit yeah no it's i can't you're headed to boys in the band bitch yeah i've got i've um i arrived underweight um Oh, I have it. I have my weight log. I log the exact kilo amount, the time, and the date. Just for transparency. Is that public now?

Are you going to put it public? Oh, absolutely. Please tell me you're just tweeting it, and that's the way you're logging it. A weigh-in every day, like a psycho. I'm doing it in my notes app, which is also, I've just learned that having a will, your last will and testament in your notes app is not a legally binding document. just i've just learned that having a will your last will and testament and your notes app is not a legally binding document it has to be handwritten or signed it has to be handwritten it has to be notarized there and i think a lawyer has to

has to handle it yeah yeah but anyways do you have a will uh i have a like well all my like retirement accounts have a name for a benefactor okay but like if i died what's in my bank account i don't know who it would go to okay my house i don't know who to go to right houses sorry i do have four i technically have four holy shit who are you well i don't know i'm me i'm me i'm just me Did you pay for that Did you pay for that Condo in cash Which condo The one I live in

Or my one in Milwaukee I'm just I'm not being funny I'm trying to get details I know I know I'm just trying to get details I'm just trying to be clear

I'll tell you I bought my mom's house cash And I bought my condo Milwaukee cash But My house in LA I paid for 60% cash And then my mortgage was very low.

My mortgage was only, and this is LA rent money. My mortgage is only $3,000 a month. That's tiny for a mortgage. That's what I thought. In LA, in LA, in LA. The new place, girl, I'll have to sell David. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. David's moving in and I-

Is he gonna, well, we don't have time. We can talk about it i i have not been in a situation where i bought this house knowing i could pay for it yes so then since i asked him to move in then i had to go hey hey this is how much mortgage is gonna be yeah but anyway i asked him to move in and then i had to go the sordid topic of coin it's different for everyone i was like hey here's what mortgage is going to be can you help me at all and he was like yeah of course damn but i was so embarrassed and scared to ask because it felt like i was then being like will you move in with me and help me with money

i mean yeah but come on it's just it's this thing you do it's just something you do something you do um my i gotta tell you about my writer which i think is just A secure dressing room Never happens Never Ever Adequate lighting Never happens Water Usually happens

What do you got 65 bottles of sample Of green over there When we go to Netflix We're in the kitchen I'm in the kitchen This is a Trader Joe's Yeah I mean

People are like Coming and going Did it die Yeah but it's fine It's just the GoPro It's just the GoPro Is it still speeding? Yeah.

We're going to look so horrible. Good for us. Oh, fuck. We might put this in black and white like Truth or Dare. Yeah, we've got to do it. Yeah. You look like Madonna. I don't know what this is.

Madonna. White Lotus. Madonna. Nine Perfect Strangers. Madonna. Madonna. It's Nicole Kidman's birthday yesterday. How do you feel about it?

Do you want to address the situation? Should we talk about it? Let's just get it out in the air. Yeah, let's just open it up. I'm happy for her. In the show, you do an Australian accent in the video. And I always knew it was a little suspicious. But now that I'm here and I'm hearing the real real,

when we watch your video on the show, I'm like, what even is that accent? No research done no research done at all it wasn't much character study no it wasn't i am i'm gonna give you i'm gonna spoil something i'm gonna spoil something i'm a horrible actor horrible i think that's true it's true it's true horrible actor and i and i made a piece of it not with that attitude how do you think nicole gibbon does it she before she goes on set she goes i'm an incredible actress she goes i'm an actor oh my god yeah it's it's it's booboo it's rotten it's horrible but you know have fun the dialect work is um suspicious a miss

yes it's very very faulty wandering very it's wandering it's very it's very meandering yeah yeah yeah uh my other back to my writer writer because the last three big DJ gigs I've had, my Ryder says two CDJ-3000s, which is the exact same equipment I play at home. Yep. And one Nexus 2 mixer. The last three gigs, the lie detector does determine that was a lie. Never. So then I had to show up and be like, all right. What's all this?

What's all this? You get the mix you get because i don't use this this is not my familiar what you do you just plug your computer it's like i asked for a mac and they have a pc and it's like oh you can make this work but it's not going to be now now it's a little more brain power for me yeah but maybe it's good because then i was talking to mateo and he's like well maybe it's good he was like well it's good because that's never going to go away and you have to get used to playing and everything i was like you're right do people normally talk?

I mean, do they normally bring their own DJ equipment? You can, but if you, you can send a DJ writer when they book you that says it's a one sheet Matteo made for me that says this is exactly what Trixie uses. He even put my height in drag so that the table's the right height. That is. None of that happens.

Of course not. None of that happens. Damn. I know people who put crazy stuff in writers. I think I've heard through the grapevine that Jinx's writer had puppies in it for a while. Not like Cruella de Vil, but I think it might have been a little more tongue in cheek. Puppies. Live animals?

Snakes. Puppies in the dressing room. Dead snakes. Heads cut off. She with the head cut off with garden shears right in front of her while she does a chant for 45 minutes while I do my makeup I need you to

snip the heads off a bunch of garden snakes please you gotta write please thank you the dancers the dancers were watching Drag Race

I had not seen it I just watched one episode with them for the first time I had not seen All Stars Winners I didn't know it was like New Rules

Not to be behind the times Oh yeah yeah yeah Plungers Plungers which never really is not landing really Blocking Blocking Also Why the plunger?

What is that? I think it's You know what I don't know I don't think it's It doesn't make any sense They should call it plug-in You plugged up the toilet. They should have choked the toilet with your turn.

Your huge fat turn. You know what they should do when they want to block someone, they should just, they should pull down those Capizio transition tights and squat and lay a big hard turd right on that stage and say blocked. What? right on that stage and say blocked stop and some of those dog faces up maybe a little bit yeah is it a blocking people, it should be like, okay, in chopped, cutthroat kitchen, when they're like, okay, my penalty I'm gonna give you

is that you can't taste your food for five minutes. Yeah. They should be like, I want the Vivian's filler pulled out by a surgeon. You know, like. Yes.

Yes. Yeah. I want Raja's head shaved. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, all three of those T-cells left are getting plucked. Yeah.

I want Jinx's shapewear revoked. Yeah. Yeah. They should be able to. I want a cutthroat kitchen. It should be like they should be given a handicap or something, you know, like in golf or whatever. I mean, I think a handicap in golf is something different, but but they should be given an impediment, a roadblock, some kind of obstacle. Yes.

Shea Coulee, we're taking you out at the knees. Yeah. An NFL player is going to take you out at the knees. Yeah. A sprained ankle, fluid in the thighs, something, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'd be fierce. Jada, you've got to do the runway.

No teeth. We're taking the teeth. Taking the teeth out. Should we go to meet and greet? We've got to go to meet and greet. We're going to meet and greet. We're going to meet and greet. See you in a bit.

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I got a camera too going for you over here. Hi there. I enlisted the services of a sex worker. Love it. Yes, I did. Yes, I did. How did you find him? I found him.

He was referred. Oh, that's probably the better. It was a referral. Yeah. And I got to tell you, it was lovely. Did it take the wheels off? It took the wheels off. He rummaged around in the trunk. He rotated the tires.

He changed the oil. What do you do with the hooker? Same thing every time? What name do you use? Parcheesi. Bonnie. Scrabble. We just do a quick nap.

I have to sleep before he's gone. What about people buying hookers just to sleep in bed? Just to sleep over? Have you done it okay so here's what i'm going to tell you the exact words i said to him okay so first of all it was a sexy massage and um so we did he had he brought a table he was an extremely talented masseuse he was very legit he was very legit and he called my hotel to verify my identity before i came over love that because he thought you were a catfish?

Well, you never know. Did he know who you are? No. He was gay, but he didn't know who I was. Love it. No, he didn't. He's like, I've never watched Drag Race. I'm not a good guy.

Do you love that accent? I don't believe anybody anymore. No, he says he's never watched Drag Race. Drag Race? I'm trying to tell you this. On Grindr, people are always like, what do you do for a living? And then I go to their page and they follow me. And I'm like, what is this fantasy?

What is this performance? Well, he didn't know who I was. I'm less famous than you. You have to remember. I am much less famous. I love that, by the way. You do? Oh, I'm obsessed.

Why? I love it. I love it. Because it's like you're the human shield. Well, do you want to know what it is? You're the human shield. The sheer volume of shit that I put out. I love it. Because it's like you're the human shield. Well, do you want to know what it is? You're the human shield. The sheer volume of shit that I put out, you're everywhere. I'm in Google ads.

Do you know what I mean? I love it. It's unavoidable at this point. Your homophobic uncle knows who I am. You have no idea. It is my nightmare to be the most famous one. Why? Because I don't want the attention.

I don't want the attention. I don't want the responsibility. Nobody wants to give it to you. So give it up, Delicious. I don't want the attention I don't want the attention I don't want the responsibility Nobody wants to give it to you So Give it up delicious I don't want the responsibility There is no responsibility Yes there is

In what way? It's just It's all the attention That's why you got a hooker Because you don't want attention Yeah no no no Wait wait wait So he brings a table

Like a butcher board table Slab He brings Like an autopsy table. You saw your nudes and he said, get the morgue table. He zips me up into the morgue. In a black body bag. He throws me over the shoulder.

He takes me up to the tooth. When he said glory hole, what he meant is you're going to put a body bag on you and cut a dick hole. That's what he meant by glory hole. Fuck. Wait, what do you do if somebody says they have a glory hole and you go to their house and they're standing there in a body bag with a boner poking out? I would jump on it. By the way, I'll let you tell your story, but one of the scariest parts of Nightmare

on Elm Street, the first one, is when that girl nods off in class, Nancy, and she sees her friend in the body bag. When Tina's in the body bag being dragged down the hall. Horrifying. It's so bad. Do you know that the freddy krueger is the most recurring he factors in heavily and has factored in in a dream i've done everything and it's so crazy you met your parents no it got it it got to the point

like it got it became so recurring that you're like this again i don't know it was i was like i gotta flip the script on this i gotta flip the script so i was like i it was in a dream where i was like half loose it was almost lucid dreaming where it's like yeah okay just stop it i was like everybody give it up delicious yeah i was like stop it you with the burn off face we're gonna fuck because this is too much no i'm not gonna be like a director it's like yeah cut cut cut cut we gotta talk about your character you know What's your motivation? Those creepy laser claws. We just got to take the glove off and we're going to fuck.

This is not a horror movie. It's going to be Daniel Dave Lewis. Or something Dune related. It was. I had to flip this because it was just horrible. It kept being terrifying, terrifying, terrifying. Well, he's a very sexual creature. Freddy Krueger? The underpinnings of that metaphor in those movies is sexual dreams, teenagers, sex dreams.

Yes. Big stab being penetrated. And he's always so witty with the zingers. The zingers. Bon appétit, bitch. Here's your big break. Welcome to prime time, bitch. Hi, Miss Big.

Well, that was the other thing about it, too because, you know, Jason is like a lumbering oaf, you know, and there's not much personality there. It's either like, and he's not, he's not super fast. You know, you never see him book it. Right. So like he'll, he'll appear suddenly. And that's scary. But Freddie is so sneaky, mama.

Yeah. And Freddie's also kind of doing, he's doing his SNL audition. He's doing his reel. He's doing so much. He's, and then it's like in the dream world, my, it's, it just got to the point where i was like i cannot we i we got to join forces here we got to be on the same page yeah it's like what where's the common ground here it's like we're gonna fuck the enemy of my enemy is my friend you know what are you doing here what are you doing here yeah it got to us, so the hooker.

Oh, the hooker. The hooker. So, great massage. He did this thing. I don't want to get gross. Get gross. I don't want to get gross. He did this thing.

So, I've never, I've had a bunch of sexy massages before. So, I'm face down. He takes my leg. He bends it. Which way? Like the knee back. So, he snaps the knee. He bends my leg. He bends it. Which way? Like the knee back. So he snaps the knee. He bends the knee.

He broke both my legs. So he did this thing. Somebody's never touched me like this. He broke both my legs. So that's going to be a problem for the show tonight. He unplugged the bones from the motel. I couldn't call 911. He had plugged my phone down the toilet.

So he noticed I had a bathtub. He brought his own toaster. And the worst part is, but then he turned off the air and that's where I do the line. He turned off the air conditioning. So I was laying down with my legs in like a four. So I had the knee bent up and it was out. You know where you're like you know what I mean yeah so

you're on your belly I'm on my belly and the knee is up 45 degrees there's like this situation happening with the legs he did this thing where he was like it was a sensual massage so we were both naked and it was sensual from the get-go which is interesting touching the dick I was

huge balls and then so he like I he was doing this thing where, like, he got his, like, whole body involved. And it was, I was, I go like this. I was like, oh, my God. Like, but that's such a confusing tone. He could have been like, are you okay? No, I said, oh, my God. That's the same thing you said to Freddie in the dream. Oh my God.

Here we go again. Here we go again. I was like, did something crack? No, no, no. It was just like, it was so, it was the perfect combination of therapeutic massage relief and like erotic touch. It was incredible. And it was like his whole, it was like, I've like his whole it was like i've never been like imagine like all these different points getting touched at the same time it was wild and so i was

like oh shit i had to tell him i was like i'm sorry if this is weird but i i was like um oh this is what this is when it got weird so who made it weird okay that's what i kind of thought okay so it was it was an hour massage 45 minutes of said of massaging and then 15 minutes of television and he turned on the conners the conners on hulu food network he put on food network he put on lisa he put on America's He went into the other room And ate lunch He put on Worst Cook Celebrity Edition

And he No talking No talking No no no no Um And on the menu Was like Full sex

Like if you wanted Whatever you know Um And this is what I said to him And it's a la carte It's a la carte Okay So if you get wild

This is what I want This is the price The prices are firm And not negotiable And if you get wild In the moment You can price the prices are firm and not negotiable and if you get wild in the moment you can go i'm ready to upgrade absolutely and then it just gets added absolutely absolutely so what i said and i'm so i haven't jerked off in six i haven't jerked off since i've been here at all i know it's crazy and then um and so uh why i I cut my dick off.

Oh my god. I was not ready for you to say that. I haven't jerked off since I got here. Well, I cut, like, to God. Oh, fuck. Oh, God. Anyway, so 15 minutes left. We're approaching, I could feel it. We're approaching that moment where it has me flip over.

And I say to him, I was like, I know this might be a little weird. Instead of, like, fucking fucking can we just like hug what is wrong with you what's wrong with you you need better help you need better help what's getting in the way of you and your happiness What's getting in the way of you And your ultimate happiness Girl you need better You need much better help Even better help

You need even better help Best help So then what Can I just have a hug I think maybe he thought I was not serious Because he just straddled me. Like he just got on the table and like, and we'd like, we did like a little mutual oral thing.

But I was like, I was serious. I was like, I didn't want to really get off. So we just like, we like hugged and we did this. It was so fabulous. Oh, he was so attractive. Such a nice guy. Great guy. Lovely guy.

It really is an art what some of these people can achieve i'm telling you you know you that is no joke no joke and i i told him like a bunch of times i was like you are so good you are doing the lord's work it's so important because it's part of performance right but it's part um therapy it's part science if it's a real yes it's part science massage i've had a massage It's part science It was a fantastic massage I've had a lot of Athletic medicine He's doing athletic medicine

Sports medicine He's very well trained He's also Also customer service Interpersonal relations Yeah Theatrics I just think it's funny

That your Hip bone Has been bothering you Until there's sex involved And suddenly you can Fold like a pretzel Hmm By the way

Yesterday on stage You got excited At the end of the show and I saw you do a cartwheel split. I'm feeling it. Oh, I'm feeling it. Eden's. I said, I said to Eden,

I said, you do not let her complain tomorrow. If she says anything about the pain. I know. I know. You got fierce. I know. I got fierce.

Now she's feeling it. Four days ago. Yeah. You had cortisone shot. Literally the needle from Jurassic park when they're drilling into that mosquito and Amber, that was in your leg. That was me. That was in your leg. That was me.

I know. Bingo. Dino DNA. That's what that hooker said when he took your clothes off. Bingo. They can open doors. Can I ask? We're not going to say who he is, so I think it's appropriate to ask how much was it?

It was 220 Australian dollars for just one hour. Oh. So that could have included massage and full sex that doesn't seem like a lot it's not because the exchange rate is so fierce that i think if you do the math that averages out to you with the exchange rate so i gave i tipped him a hundred dollars wait a minute yeah did he know that you used to be a hooker no no no no no okay no no i feel like it's okay if you go to a restaurant and you're this you've been a server you tip great you know and this, you've been a server, you tip great.

You know, you know. And so when you've been a hooker, you probably are the client. I, I, I think so because it, do you have a response? Like you have now, of course this is. Star Trek, the next generation paying it forward. You, you have the power dynamic is, I say very even there's no danger there i've never felt danger hiring a hooker you know i mean this kind of masseuse thing it's like a man man you know what i mean there's no like power dynamic at play so i don't have to be you're also not

gonna get shot and robbed at the ritz-carlton the daytime you never know you never know however but so all things being equal in that way. Oh, are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? I would never hire a sex worker if I wasn't prepared to tip. To die. Oh. That's the only part of it you didn't like. You didn't get killed at the end.

I didn't feel a gun barrel on my neck. I was waiting for him to actually apply the pressure. I would never. I don't care how much. It's never going to cost under $100.. It's never going to cost under $100. So I'm never going to tip under $100. Right. Do you know what I mean?

Usually I tip. I see this guy at home in LA and his list price is $200. I always give him $400. Because he turns the fucking party. Yeah. He turns the party. I go over to his house. Immaculate. Gorgeous. gorgeous shower upon arrival

massage room with candles professional bed he's so sweet he's so hot full massage full sex yeah all sex full sex with you with you too this goblin he stuck his dick in a bag of flour a bag of concrete and it came out like shake and bake. Yeah. Well, he's an independent contractor, right? It goes to anything. Yeah. If somebody says their price, you respect the price.

You respect it. This isn't Costco, bitch. No. It's not JCPenney. It's not Saks Fifth Avenue. I mean, don't quote me on this, but like hair people, costumers. Amy's been building costumes for me for two years more I've never once even questioned

a price no you don't and if you don't like the product you just move on yeah you just move on if I've seen hookers that I've I've seen sex workers that I've haven't been super satisfied with I'm not gonna complain about it I'm also not gonna undercut them I'm just gonna move on not to mention when you

are a good client who tips well pays on time the next time you want service believe it or not you will get priority yes you will get priority because you're their easy work day yeah that's what i that's one thing and i've had clients like that where i'm like i'm not i would never say this i'm like i'll fuck you for free bitch i would fuck you for free but it's anything to uh um i don't know our friend who'd make jake cobra lily yeah if you get pay fiercely yeah and tip fiercely next time you need flowers he'll make magic happen for you yeah yes they will move mountains it's very very fierce respect people's independent businesses everything from hookers to to to florist to fucking uber drivers

dude just treat people right i yeah i it's what that's the one thing, like when I went Cucurella, I like, I got fierce with my cash. Are we talking about when you were walking the streets handing it out? Yes. Yeah. I would count that as getting fierce. I don't regret that at all. I really don't.

I mean, I know that's crazy and it didn't have a lot to do with reality sometimes, but, but I just, I, I, I never, I never feel like. You never went down my block. I went down my block I was out there I was out there I never I've never felt like To myself Oh I really paid too much

For some You know what I mean Like especially if I'm Buying something from somebody Or being Or like If it's individual One on one or whatever

I'm never like I would say Oh god I paid too much For that Gucci suit Right But I've never felt like Oh I really t i paid too much for that gucci suit right but i've never felt like oh i really tipped too much that uber driver i've just never felt that you know i've never felt that either yeah you could pretty much come and stab me and you're getting 20 yeah at least yeah absolutely well shit yeah well what are they gonna get tonight on Well, what are they going to get tonight? Are they going to get 20%? Oh.

You know, Drew Droege says they get the show they deserve. Yeah. So we'll see. They decide the show they get. Yeah. But then I've also heard people say that it's your job to tell them what kind of show it is. I'm going to give them what I'm going to give them. They get what they get. They get what they get.

That is the get. I feel like for too long in drag, we were all like, well, maybe not you, but a lot of people were like, well, I got to what fans expect or what other drag queens expect now coming out of COVID. No, they get what they get. Yeah. They get what they get. Yeah. We tell them what drag is not the other way around. Yeah.

I'm going to show them and I'm going to tell people what a dressing room is after today. Oh, Mary. Because this, this is not it. Hostel. Hostel. Saw. The Perch. The Nightmare on Elm Street.

The Nightmare on Elm Street, girl. Yeah. You know what's great about touring? Whatever kind of like in Hollywood on your little TV set with your little catered food. And you really. They pick you up in your black car. Black car. All that dissipates when you get to Perth.

Perth, mama. The Perth. Yeah, it's the, it is, it's the hills have eyes. It's, it's the, the dressing room situations on tour sometimes

will just humble you to death. Yeah. And then, and then you see the wall of flyers of who else has been there, and it's people you thought were way famous. It's like Bruce Springsteen. And you're like,

well, their life sucks too yeah bruce springsteen yeah yeah bruce bruce springsteen bruce springsteen we get any wild comments at the meet and greet today not really no it was like really um yeah it was it was pretty it's pretty good and easy i like perth i love the trees too i love the trees it looks like florida here do you think that's reductive? I don't know. Because it's like kind of humid, palm trees. Yeah. I don't know what it's giving.

I don't know what it's giving. I think it's giving Florida. A little bit. Boca Raton. A little bit, yeah. Not as humid. But if this is the winter, bitch, I'll fucking take it. This is nothing.

Nothing. Somebody in the meet and greet said, sorry about the winter. I said, it was 70 and sunny today. Yeah. Fuck off. This is great. It's 100 in LA right now yeah Yeah I guess it's like 115

Here in the summer wild Wild and nasty well Hey thank you for so much Thank you for so much thank you for so so Much I think not to spoil our alert I think we gotta have Kelly part two Absolutely absolutely we just gotta Get her a phone with a microphone

Yeah we can switch off. We don't need both of us. What I really mean is you and Kelly should have a conversation so I could take a nap. Yes, totally. I think I told you today, on an interview today, they asked me, what do you want to retire like? And I said, I want my retirement to be Katya's very active career right now. Oh God. I love it. I love it. I just do what I want. I'm so retirement to be Katya's very active career right now. Oh, God.

I love it. I love it. I just do what I want. I'm so lucky. I'm so lucky. After this tour? So lucky. After this tour? After this tour?

Yeah. Things are changing around here. Things are changing around here. Yeah. I'm going to become an elusive Shantuz. I can't wait to get even less famous. You got to keep climbing. You got to keep climbing because I want to keep slipping.

But why do you think that I, do you think I, Winifred Sanderson, like siphoned that off of you? No, it's like, it's like, just figuratively, of course, the larger you get in the spotlight,

the cooler the shade is for me. You guys are Miss Big. Miss Big. Miss Big, girl. I am comfortable in that shadow. Oh, it's so cool. You're rewriting Women With Your Wings. Seriously.

It was so nice there in your shadow. Seriously, though. Like, I hate it. I mean, when I'm with someone who's also, like, I was walking down Hollywood in Santa Monica with Whitney Cummings after your party. And everybody's recognizing me. I fucking hate. She is a very famous person. Huge famous. She is a millionaire comedian.

Very, very famous. Gorgeous. Fucking stunning. So fuckable. Her stand-up clips show up on my Instagram feed a lot. Yeah. Arenas. Not arenas, but like giant, you know. The beauty. Yeah, she's so beautiful and like casual like she's wearing ball gowns over there she's just like she's like regular

clothes looking stunning men must either love her or fully hate her i would say that women probably love her or fully hate her yeah yeah but anyway so we were walking together and she looked at your party. She was so unbelievable. It was so hot. Unbelievable. She looked so sexy. So great. And we were walking together and everybody's recognizing me and not her.

And I was like, oh, I hate this. Oh, I hate this. Yeah. I hate that. Yeah. I hate that. I would so much rather be me and you're walking and nobody recognizes me. And they're all just like Trixie, Trixie.

That's never going to happen. Yes, it is. If they recognize me, they're all just like tricksy tricksy that's never gonna happen yes they recognize me they're gonna recognize you i don't know where are they gonna recognize you and not me when i get my brown a steel mill when i get my brown hair your unit my brown hair oh you do brown hair wigs but when i when i well you know lisa one time when we we first started hanging out we're gonna go to go to West Hollywood. She was like, well, something about West Hollywood. She's like, I'll go with you. And people, so people will think, like, basically, if she goes with me, we'll be famous. And I said, this is West Hollywood. You have a restaurant here.

No, she was saying, like, if I go with you to that, like, it was something gay. I was like, you don't think I can get a table somewhere gay, Lisa? Oh, right, right, right. Oh, she was like, I'll help you, poor wretch. I was like, you don't think I can get a little booth at the Abbey, bitch? You would get mobbed. I would think you'd be more famous than her. Oh, I tell people she's Elizabeth Hurley.

I'm like this brown haired British woman? Yeah. Elizabeth Hurley. Yeah. T. Well. Okay. Well, I love her, by the way.

I'm so happy to meet her I was a little suspicious Of your friendship with her At the beginning I was like Why are you hanging out with her Cause she a billionaire No she's fierce She's very fierce

She's so funny She's so fun It's all of a sub by the way She's Yeah Completely poor She lives in her home Rented

Trailer Clothes in a trailer Yeah Port-a-potty No she is just a She's just a drag queen Yeah she's really And she is fucking Pretty in's just a drag queen yeah she's really and she is fucking

pretty in person holy shit yeah it's pretty she's wildly stunning yeah it's it's pretty wild she also um honestly she'll probably never hear this i think that so many people either are like in awe of her or work for her that nobody like reads her uh-huh and i think that's why we get along is because i just make fun of her to her face. I think she likes it. Yeah. She has a great sense of humor. She's rotted. Yeah, she's rotted. Yeah, she's rotted. Yeah, I think the second thing I ever said to her was like,

congratulations on your hemorrhoid surgery or something. She just snapped right back. Speaking of, do you know how they soundcheck our tour when we're not available? They play The Bald and the Beautiful upstairs in the house. And today I walked in while they were telling my hemorrhoid story at full volume and the entire staff and crew of this tour was listening to it. upstairs in the house. And today I walked in while they were telling my hemorrhoid story at full volume and the entire staff and crew of this tour was listening to it. That's really rotten.

And then I said, and I was like, well, it is on the podcast. Like, I can't get mad. I'm like, this is my diary. It's public information. Yeah. Well, I think we're done. Yeah. Thank you, guys.

See you next time. We always know how to end the pod. I think we're done.