The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - A Massage That Lives Happily Ever After with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: March 12, 2024

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where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue.yorku.ca. The problem is when we do talk about people, even if I change names, it gets back to them and they send me some cunty texts. But sometimes people act crazy. So like whatever, I have to tell you one of these things that happened the other night and I don't care. Do it. I don't care. I'm all ears. If it bothered me enough to talk about it on the pod, we're not going to become close friends.

No love lost, babe. Oh, shit. I'm ready. I'm ready ears. If it bothered me enough to talk about it on the pod, we're not going to become close friends. Right. No love lost, babe. Oh, shit. I'm ready. I'm ready, baby. Lay it on me. Suck it to me. Let's start positive.

Okay. Hi, how are you? Girl, we're out here, bitch. I recently bought a bunch of new clothes on Nordstrom.com. This is one of my outfits. This is an exotic fashion walk. Do you see how I get up now? Okay, old man winter.

Merry. Old man. Okay, Methuselah. I get up now? Okay, old man winter. Mary. Old man. Okay, Methuselah. I was 10 minutes late to the doctor this morning and I showed up crying because it took me so long to get down the stairs

of my own house. Methuselah. Bones sticking out. Horrible. Judding. Horrible. So what's the prognosis? They had to take so much blood

because they can't figure out what's wrong with me. Buckets and buckets of blood. I mean, it's a bummer. I stay positive because I want to be happy. Right. But if you want to be negative,

then that's your prerogative. But wait, wait. To that point, I can see the strain. I can't walk, Mary. Oh my God. Welcome to my world. I can't walk.

Isn't it horrible? Horrible. Immobility is a curse. I can't walk. In the mornings, my jaw is stuck shut. I can't eat for like an hour. You can't do popsicle sticks like break them off and hold the jaw open i guess i could try that no i'm just kidding um but back

to the sti thing think about this condoms and in our gay um population here uh america that we're familiar with nobody uses condoms because of prep but what about what about the five horsemen of the the STI pageant panel miss chlamydia miss syphilis miss gonorrhea let's not forget miss Giardia she was a third runner-up and I'm the miss gay US of A. Right. And then who was that? I forget the step down queen who did. She just did a walk on number. I forget at the bar. Oh, Miss Monkeypox.

Miss Monkeypox, of course. Sure. And she was a little controversial because it wasn't, you know, she gave monkey and it was supposed to give woman. But did you get your monkeypox vaccines at the time? I did. I did as well. I did.

Yeah. I did as well. But like I said, this is maybe a controversial joke. joke but at the time only the absolute hottest gays were getting it and i was like until the until the tens start fucking sixes i'm fine like it was all the hottest men and i was like i'm cool none of these guys are accidentally fucking me mom i know me with all like half my friend group are sex workers who do professional pornography. Like I called my mom and said, mom, I can't open my mouth and I can't walk in the mornings and I can't bend over and I'm not hungry. And she goes, well, you know, maybe it's after effects of COVID.

I said, mom, what, what TikToks have you been watching? Oh, no way. Love that. Familial tremor or Pfizer. But my mom's been sick too. So she was like, I gotta go. I know you're sick, but I gotta go puke. And I said, okay, bye.

She kind of like one-upped me. That's fierce, but I am actually getting my legs sawed off right now in the hospital. She's like, there's blood spraying everywhere. I gotta go. And then whenever I call her, granted, my mom has limited mobility. So I don't mind if she goes to a private room to talk to me. I don't mind if she can't. Oh yeah. But you know, if she i don't mind if she can't oh yeah but you know that whore is gonna watch tv at level um let's say five million and so i she's at this volume i was like this is what it is my mom's like

so what have you been feeling like and what did the doctor say and what's been going on who wants to be a millionaire it's like could you just at least turn down the tv bitch when i'm trying to tell you next on thousand Sisters, you'll never believe these huge, heavy, hot tits. You ever watch that shit? I saw a clip and I almost cried and I put my head into a pillow and I fell asleep. Try being a massage, Amy. You sent me the clip of, well, I couldn't have, you couldn't have gained a hundred pounds on the way here. Well, it has some connective tissue to my, my 600 pound life, which is, that's a different show. A thousand pounds.

This is about two women who are their moms. They're working. Oh my God. Gross. I had a nipple sticking out. Disgusting. I'm so embarrassed. It was gray.

Ew. Looked like a. That was a scab, not a nipple. Backed over a pebronium. Scab, not a nipple. Ew. Huge. Huge. Gross Gross A downturn

Oh yucky Inverted Yucky Unless you all have downturned Inverted nipples Then it's gorgeous Yeah Get the fuck out of here

600 pound life is tough Because those are individual cases And you know Being from northeast Wisconsin I am related to And grew up around And I'm very immersed In the culture of being very big. Okay.

And I have a lot of understanding and sympathy of that cycle and I get it. I mean, I really have empathy and I watch that show rooting for the people. Yeah. So it's tough when they have an appointment and the doctor is like, you do need to lose a hundred pounds to qualify for surgery because at your weight, it's not safe for you to operate. Fuck. Because people have so much pressure on their heart. They're like, we can't put you your weight it's not safe for you to operate because people have such so much pressure on their heart they're like we can't put you under it's not safe damn and the people sometimes having a hard time even losing the weight to get the surgery well of course they would but then they'll say like i have been exercising i've been eating

the same and it's like the doctor on camera is not the moment to lie mary i know and i love everyone i know but just be honest and be like, I need new strategies because I ate the house down and I didn't exercise and help me. That would be fierce to watch. Yeah, yeah. Because as a viewer, it's like I just spent 20 minutes

rooting for you and now you're lying to the doctor. You're betraying me, the viewer. And I want you to be well. I love the episodes where they get the surgery and their life changes. I cry.

I love it. Fierce. They're like, they're doing swimsuit modeling. They're doing porn. Yes. They're doing porn. They're doing, they're, when the ski jets,

what is that? When you're skiing and you're being pulled by a boat. Oh, water skiing. Yeah. Skiing. Stuff.

And you know, when I was on Discovery Plus, cause Trixie Motel season one originally was on Discovery Plus. When we got put on that network, I remember I started getting all these TikToks about how like the Christmas

party for Discovery Network is going to be lit because it's like 90 Day Fiance, Thousand Pound Sisters, 600 Pound Life, me. 2,000 pounds? Yeah, the Christmas party is going to be turnt and the cookout will be lit. Barn doors wide open.

Girl, I was ready for that cookout, honey. And it did not happen well because 90 day fiance's um lit as you know 90 sisters lit 600 pound life crunk it's amazing and then it's also like dr pimple popper it's all the yes thousand pound hoarder sisters cunt gave eight took a shit in the mother toilet. Refused to flush. Next. Clocked the mother toilet. Kept shitting in it. Climbed up on the mother toilet.

Wrapped the acrylic toenails around the cracked bowl. Upper decker in the mother toilet. She hit the mother toilet. Pissed all over it. Douched with the tushy on the mother toilet. Flooded the apartment. Sent it to Jennifer Lawrence because she was in the movie Mother. Honey, have you ever seen the music video for What's that music video

Turn Down For What Where like it's an apartment building And they're like crashing through the ceiling And shit Eric Wareheim Is that the one Eric Wareheim I think it's Eric Wareheim

Of Tim and Eric Where it's like a family eating And they fall through the ceiling And then it's like Yeah it's crazy The booty Who did the butt video Eric Wareheim did a butt video very similar that was j-lo big big booty because you got a big booty did you see the sarah bae commercial with j-lo no with michael cera

you're lying are you fucking kidding me i didn't send it to you because i figured 600 people were gonna send it to you and i didn't want to going to send it to you. And I didn't want to like, I hate when that happens. When the Barbie movie was announced, I basically had to turn off my phone. I know. I know. I know. Guys, I fucked 10 years ago. Be like, did you hear about this? No.

No. I hadn't heard about it. I actually gouged my eyes out and I have sticks in my ears for the past 10 years. Thank you for letting me know. Am I a Nicki fan? Yeah. What are you talking about? Yeah.

Michael Cera. So Eric Wareheim of Tim eric fame directed a commercial for sarah fey featuring michael sarah that you will die i love michael sarah i know he's so funny so handsome it's what and i was like this is gonna like this is gonna really fuck you right in the pussy big time and i love skincare so like it's all my world mama that's what i'm saying and also product um clever branding yeah it's a trifecta I'm not this is not sponsored

CeraVe is like a dermatologist recommended brand because it's very few extra ingredients like fragrance dyes

it's just the essentials yeah it's great if your skin reacts to everything poorly try CeraVe CeraVe totally works I use the foaming cleanser to get out of drag

it's lit and I you know what I do is like because I have a mattress protector on my mattress I do like a you know how you spread mayonnaise on a sandwich? I do a thin layer of CeraVe all over my top sheet at night

and then I wrap myself in it. I put the heater, two heaters on full blast and it really just gets my skin back together every night. For years. Could you imagine? Yeah. Could you imagine? Seaweed wraps.

I don't want to, you know, I don't care anymore. Drag her. I didn't want to You know I don't care anymore Drag her I didn't want to call out I'm not here to call out People in Hollywood But the fact that you were not Front and center And sat at the Dune premiere

Pissed me off It pissed me off It pissed me off I saw Brittany Tomlinson Was there Brittany Broski And I was like Yes

She looks so pretty Did you see Brittany's look She was in this head wrap She looked so Brittany looked gorgeous. But I don't see how I was scrolling going. Well, where's the president of Dune?

Where's the writer, director, creator, and star of it. You, why were you not invited? Where is the, um,

the, where is the, uh, product? Where's the marketing, uh, VP of marketing? Cause that is me.

I was invited to Barbie. Why weren't you invited to fucking Dune? Because you know what I would have did? I would have did what the girls should have did, which is I would have gone dressed as Lady Jessica with the jeweled or as a Bene Gesserit with the thing, a cone head that nobody could see in back of me. I would have been so on team.

They could have at least had you do red carpet. You could have asked questions about, because you know the film so well. Mama, I could have gone as a shaved head, one of the Harkonnens. Like I could have just done what, you know what I mean? Like I could have cunty turned it, one of the Harkonnens. Like I could have like just done what, you know what I mean? Like I could have cunty turned it out and they sure did not call me. A lot of fabrics, a lot of flowing fabrics, a lot of sheer mesh.

I have, I have the, um, the copper. Um, I have it all. Yeah. I have it all. I really do. I can't believe they didn't invite you. I just, that really bothered me. Well, when they hate gay, you know, it's, it's not surprising.

Hollywood these days is so wrapped up in. Mary, what about Timothee Chalamet? We found out. I don't think we've talked about it on the pod. We found out Timothee Chalamet's real name is Timothee Chalamet. And it's Nell. I'm sorry. It's Nell.

Chai Chicka Pay. Timothee Chalamet. I'm sorry. You would have gone on the red carpet as Nell. I would have been dirty foot, slip, unbrushed hair, feral. And I would have been like, ta-da-ta, shikapay. And they'd be like, ma'am, sir, get out of here.

Of course. I mean, you could have met Rebecca Ferguson. You could have met, wasn't Florence Pugh there? Mama. And also the fact that my yoga teacher friend, his husband is Rebecca Ferguson's agent. I know that's like a little too much separation, but still. Like, he knows. It's like, I'm not the type of person to like, I guess I should just be more proactive in my like, whatever.

Because I get invited to movies. Do you get invited to premieres? Let me think. No. I just get invited to a few and I said no because I've been so sick. Yeah. But usually I will go. Priscilla? Well, I went to Priscilla, of course. I got invited to Imaginary and I said no because I've been so sick. Yeah. But usually I will go. Well, I went to Priscilla, of course.

I got invited to Imaginary and I did want to see that. That new horror movie. I did want to see that, but I think it's a horror movie about imaginary friend. That's evil. You're fucking kidding me. I know, but I was like, I often feel like they expect me to come and drag and to sit and drag and watch a movie is weird. We've talked about this.

Mama, but not when you look like I just did in this ASMR video. Did you jerk it? Did you stroke it? did you pull out your big cock and stroke it i did i pulled out my small cock you pulled out your little huge fat fucking heavy club your big beanie didn't i put about one and a half gallons of saline in my clit and i let it drag behind me down the 405 and then burst it burst like a water balloon. Mad Max Fury Road. Fury Road. Yeah. The final seconds of the game separate true fans from the rest. The fans that are there for every victory, defeat, agony, and ecstasy. And when the buzzer sounds, you deserve a Coke Zero Sugar.

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Coors Light. The chill choice. Visit CoorsLight.ca to learn more. Celebrate responsibly. Must be legal drinking age. I've been waiting to talk to you about this. Do you see Lana Del Rey get the shit beat out of her at the Super Bowl? Exqueeze me? Exqueeze me? How did you miss this clip?

Exqueeze me? Exqueeze? I was too wrapped up not getting invited to Dune. Wait, are you joking? No, no, no. So I don't watch the sports. Well, yeah, I don't watch the Super Bowl. But I know because I'm gay and I have Twitter,

I'm getting moment to moment updates about Taylor Swift going to sporting events. Oh, God. And I could care less about sports, Taylor Swift, or the likes. Thank you. Okay? Okay?

Okay? I don't read the comments. I'm not here for the likes. I'm here for the art and the passion. I have some lovely Taylor Swift songs that I love, but I wouldn't say I need to be updated moment to moment. To me, it's not on par with, it's not international news to me.

Yes, I agree. And it's not her fault. No, it is her fault. She can't go to the grocery store with people making articles about it. I understand that. Well, maybe she should stop taking her private jet to Starbucks.

Have you really not seen this Lana Del Rey clip of her getting beat up? I saw her following, I saw Lana Del Rey following Taylor Swift around at the Grammys like a goth lap dog. Bitch. Okay, watch. Watch Taylor Swift. See Lana Del Rey just get beaten down on the ground?

Where is she? Where is she? I didn't see. Do you see her just fall down? They're so excited about the sports that they would was like, they would just like eat shit, bitch. And like,

Hey, tractor queen of Oklahoma. Get out of here. I'm a fucking Rockwell. This flying elbow smash. Like, like WCW beauty to black girl. And Lana was like,

I'm just trying to be watch sports. I'm just, and I'm sure Lana doesn't know how I'm sure she knows about as much as you and I do about football. So she's like, I'm just here. No bitch. I, I'm sure she knows about as much as you and I do about football. So she's like, I'm just here. No bitch. I,

I lot, I fucking, this is so weird. I screen recorded her in her parking, in her, in a parking garage, in her car live. She was on Instagram live reacting to a 49ers or some football game.

She loves football. And I was like, I was like, then she shouldn't get beat up. I know. I was like, this is so weird. She was like, she was like, Then she shouldn't get beat up. I know. I was like, this is so weird. She was like,

she was trying to do an Instagram live in the parking garage, no service. So she was just like, so it was like grandma trying to like, yeah, I was like, grandma,

grandma's trying to get it going and she's flipping out and I, of course I like, I scream recorded. I was like, this is so weird. And then I like remixed it

and put like a like fun filter on it. Well, imagine like you're at the Super Bowl, I guess. Like, should Lana be wearing a helmet and pads? Like, she's just trying to watch the game.

No, she should be up on the top, like I'm rappelling down like Lady Gargar, you know? And I'll have you know, wait, Usher performed. Oh,

I didn't watch it. Usher. Of course, he's so beautiful and has great music, but I didn't, I didn't watch any of the sports event. Yeah. Because to me,

the last full blown halftime show I watched, I guess it was maybe Gaga, and before that it was Madonna. What about Rihanna? You never saw the Rihanna one? She did the all, it was very, very huge production. Madonna was cunt, but those LMFAO characters, I don't think so. Well, I follow enough people, like I follow like the Evan Ross Katz's and the Paul McCallion's.

I'm going to get the moment-to-moment update whether I like it or not. And you'll get the wit and the whimsy of it. Yes. I'll get the highlights. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll get the memes. The memes version. And that's all I need.

Because right now it's awards season, which in LA feels like it goes on 10 to 12 months a year. I just. We've got to talk about awards season. I can't take it anymore. I can year. I just... We've got to talk about awards season. I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. We've got to talk about awards season. I can't take it anymore. The same five movies and the same 12 people at every fucking show?

I know. I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. What do you call it? The insufferable, self-indulgent narcissism. Listen, I love narcissism. I am the only narcissist. I am narcissist par excellence.

But I kind of know my place in the world. Mostly. And like these people are so, they are contortionists for Cirque du Soleil because the gymnastics and acrobatics they do to get their tongue so far up their own asses is pretty incredible. Totally.

Mary, y'all making movies? You're rich, famous, and you're gorgeous. Ain't that enough? Shut the fuck up. I know. Get the star off the TV. I'm not watching that. That being said, I am hosting the Ambie Awards, and that one matters.

But. Wait, wait, wait. Sorry. That one matters. What is the Ambie? It's like podcasting sounds. Like sound design. Cunty. Music.

Scores. Podcasting. Oh, cunty. Interviews. It's like podcasting sounds Like sound design, music, scores Podcasting Interviews Can I go interview on the red carpet as Nell? When's Nell 2? Would you gag? You know how everything's a reboot now? It's Nelly

Well she has a bandaid Could you imagine Her coming out of her deep lesbian retirement To do Nell again? No, she's doing, um, she's doing, um. Nell Reload. Nell Fully Reloaded. Nell Part 2, the remix.

Nell Part 2, um, the Nell Strikes Back, the remix. Neller. And this is Nell. And it's sort of like the plot of 8 Mile. She wants to be a rapper. Her life hasn't improved much. She's from a trailer. And she's like.

It's like From the woods To the studio Yeah And the soundtrack Is like Lose yourself Started

On the bottom of the forest Now I'm here Started on the forest floor Now I'm here Bitch It's like Hit the forest floor You know

I make fun of Nell But she's amazing in that movie Mama She's amazing in everything Don't get it twisted She's doing season five Or four of the newest, most recent season of True Detective. And, you know, I got to say, every single fucking clip I've seen of this goddamn woman, and not to say that anybody who gets plastic surgery is like, whatever.

She is, it's just so clear and comfortable that she's, she's chilling. She's cunty. She's vibing. She's not like rushing to get like, you know, yanked or pulled or whatever. Well, she has,

um, she has a real timeless beauty. She really is beautiful. I think she is too. Yeah. I think she is too. I mean, and also like Hollywood really doesn't know what to do with her.

I was watching interviews and they were saying on that set of taxi driver. So Martin Scorsese and Bob De Niro, I call him Bob because I know him personally. You know when people do that? I hate that. It's Robert De Niro. What's a good example of that in our world? Like when I say... Everybody we know has a fake name.

But it's like I don't know if they called me like Bri or something. Brandon calls me Brian in drag sometimes. And I'm like, I'm like, don't you see this pussy? Don't you see these hot tits? Well,

no, I'm always afraid that it's going to communicate to other people in the room that it's time to call me Brian. that's what I don't. When someone in drag calls, when a fan calls me Brian, when I'm in drag, I'm like,

who? You might as well get the keys to my house. Come in, get in bed with me and ask me my social security number bitch like the fuck out of here you're like hey brian i'm so oh one four six eight you know it's like no but it's crazy the um she oh fuck what was i gonna say motherfucker um i got oh ad bryant ad bryant was hosting the ifc into film independent spirit awards yeah and i saw a little clip of her bit her she was hosting the IFC into film independent spirit awards. Yeah.

And I saw a little clip of her bit her, she was hosting and she's like, you know, I'm not really good at roasting. So, uh, anyways, um,

uh, Natalie Portman is here. Natalie, you're a stupid bitch. It's like, uh, who else have we got here? Um,

John Hamm, you're a stupid bitch or whatever. It's so funny. It was great. She was funny. I never watched the movies. And so it's people being celebrated for films I've never seen. Yeah.

And I, if you're not in that world, and when I do see these movies, I mean, you know how I felt about Eileen. At the end, I said. Am I a Hathaway fan? Wait, what? What did you feel? What did you feel? What did you feel? I felt like when I bit into a soup and they go like, oh, it's a Gestapo. It's supposed to be cold or whatever.

It's Vichyssoise. And I go, but it's cold soup. And they're like, yeah, it's supposed to be. Everything always feels over my head. Films like that always make people stupid because I'm always like, what just happened? Eileen really made you feel stupid? A little. At the end, she just runs right into the woods.

And I said, okay. I know. I didn't was the end. She just runs right into the woods. And I said, okay, I know. I didn't love the ending, but you got to admit Ms. Hathaway, she took her huge teeth, her gorgeous face. Oh,

unhinged her jaw. And then it went chomp. Oh yeah, of course. Chomp, chomp. It was, I felt so edged.

Yeah. And once it turned, we talked about it once it turned and that happened, that was gripping. It was gripping. But then that TV had me by the throat. I was like, yeah, it had me by the turned and that happened, that was gripping. It was gripping. That TV hit me by the throat. I was like, oh. Yeah, it hit me by the cock and balls.

It had the saline at the ready, but then it didn't deliver. I wanted that saline in my balls and dick. There's a bar in London called Cock and Bull. And every time I jog by it, I think cock and bull torture. I was like, do straight people know what they're doing? The answer is no. Like CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy? I do not.

That's a CBT therapist. Yeah. Cock and bull torture. What about rubbing those little spiky pinwheels over the nasty nuts? Let's take a break. You think that no one's wanted to fuck you But now that they saw your nipple The tides are going to completely turn

Is that what you think is going on here today Have your pick of the litter There's hundreds of teenage girls watching Who would love for you to fuck them I know I was just telling I was telling this to Oh my god this guy First of all wait a minute

This guy at the supermarket Ralph? Of Ralph's? No no I wish Mr. Gelson of Gelson's Go on. Gil Gelson No, it was, I went I had a friend visiting and

I went just, we went to go pick up some cigarettes and I was like double parked outside just to run in, nobody's in there and this dude, he was like 7 feet tall he looked like seven feet tall. He looked like an inbred Hollywood, a baby. Like he was so beautiful in the weirdest way. Like he was an actor's,

you know how like actor sons and daughters can be so, it's just kind of strange looking. And then living like a rich life allows you to be like super eccentric and weird. This is, this was the vibe. It was like, it was like, I was like, Hey, can I get a pack of American Spirit Blacks? He's like,

sure. I completely can see it. And then he turned like this. And then I was like, I was like, Judge Judy with the time. I was like, I mean, it literally took like two full minutes. And I was like, I was like, judge duty with the time. I was like, I mean, it literally took like two full minutes. And I was like, I was like, I'm double parked. I'm going to get a ticket.

And he's like, so let me ask you something. What's the difference between the colors? What are the black ones mean? And I was like, I've seen about the cigarettes. Yeah. I was like, I've seen about the cigarettes. Yeah. I was like, there's just the strongest kind. He's like,

Oh, really? It was gorgeous. This is giving like, I don't know, like things like weird retail horror. 22 years old, a baby.

Not, not, I mean, was it pump? Was it shiny wet face? It was, no no it was giant he looked like pete davidson okay looks like pete davidson the same same frame same giant lips beautiful white skin with like um kind of a goth girl's dream black hair it was just so bizarre i

was like mama what timeline are you on sweetie are you on greenwich main time are you on um you know what i mean it was just so time Are you on You know what I mean It was just so strange Anyways I don't know what I would have done In this scenario Sometimes when people People have me like hostage

Yeah I have to tell you about A hostage situation That I recently And I feel bad because I'm sure the person Will hear about it And if you know who you are

Yeah If you know who you are And if you know who this is Don't send it to him No And if you know who you are And if you know who this is don't send it to him No you don't know them Have you ever been in a situation Where somebody says It's like not the vibe for this

But someone goes you have to watch this video It's just like five minutes long And they sit there and watch you watch a video on a phone Where metaphorically There's a fucking rifle to your head. And you're like, well, I guess I don't know you well enough to say,

can I watch this later? Oh, this is like an acquaintance. Yes. Like a social situation where someone's like, you just need to watch. It's like four or five minutes long. Just,

and he's like, shh, watching me watch it. And I'm like, I'm like glued to it. And the social, the social construct suggests that I can't break my eye contact. And I can't say like, can I watch this later?

This is weird that you're making me watch this now. Right now? Five minute long video. 30 seconds. 30 seconds. TikTok. 30 seconds. Five minute long video.

Five minute long video. In these days, in this age, is a Martin Scorsese picture. But send it to me later and I might watch it on my own time. Versus like. I'm going to text it to you. You got to watch this. Right now you need to watch this. I was like, I guess I will. It was a clip from the TV show Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.

And I was like, now I'm watching singing. I'm watching Broadway singing on a phone. And I felt, I felt, I felt, I felt Katy Perry chained to the rhythm. Like I couldn't look away. I felt. You were, noained to the rhythm Like I couldn't look away I felt You were No you were Patty Hearst You were kidnapped By the

The Sandinistas You were kidnapped By the Sandinistas Patty Hearst Yeah I mostly felt like Someone was making me Watch a YouTube video

Worse than the Sandinistas And it was singing It was that clip From Crazy Ex-Girlfriend That's always on TikTok You ruined everything Which Of course I've heard that

It's played for five years on TikTok And I'm like oh I'm really just Because I don't know you well enough I can't say like can I do this later And I want you to like me so I'm doing this And I'm laughing It is funny but like I don't want to watch this right now Yeah

That is oh I know exactly that type of feeling You know the feeling I do I would be like I don't want to watch I, I, that is, Oh, I know exactly that type of, you know, the feeling I thought of you. I mean, I thought somebody's going to get, I would be like, I would be like,

I don't want to watch it. We got him on my side right now. I would just like straight up do that. I never recovered. I was like in shock for a day. Seriously. The next day I was at the airport, like that video.

I just got, well, Mary, it's like that when I got a phone shamed in Mexico, I, it's still Mexico I still think about it every day it's a small tiny little thing

and it's like many many more horrifying things have happened to me and will continue to happen but that is like that is up there with like

a 9-11 phone shaming and then rehab there needs to be a word for that which is like holding someone hostage on a video

at a time where they didn't ask to watch a video there needs to be a word for that it which is like holding someone hostage on a video at a time where they didn't ask to watch a video. There needs to be a word for that. It's called a Kate Burlant, John Early moment. So have you seen, I won't make you watch it now, but it's about a five minute short film done by Kate Burlant, John Early. And it's about a, like a bunch of gays are having a party. Okay.

It's like a house party, drinking wine, whatever. And, um, and this Kate Burlant shows up and she's like, Hey,'s like a house party, drinking wine, whatever. And, um, and this Kate Berlin shows up and she's like, Hey, can I, she just comes right in the door. Oh, can I use your bathroom?

And it turns out that she, nobody at the party knows her. And it's this whole like outrageous kind of suspense of like, cause she's being so annoying. She says, she starts playing a podcast and like telling everybody to shush and listen to the podcast. She spills wine on the thing. It was like, she's an obnoxious, horrible guest. And it's this awkward, awkward, like negotiation of like, who is that girl? It's like, I don't know. I thought she was

with you. It was, you have to watch it. It is so content. And I liked the person and I wanted them to like me. So I was like, okay, they're, they're showing me something they like. And this is how we gain friendship. We have common interests, right? Let's start with 30 seconds though. Yeah. 30 seconds. Do you know about this? Oh, you got to watch it.

You'll love it. Here's my elevator pitch in five seconds. I'll send you the clip. Next topic. No, no, no. You're going to love this. Handcuff. Seriously.

And then I was trying to sort of cadence it by being like, oh, I have heard that. That's funny. And they'd be like, yeah, look, look, look, look. And I'd be like, oh my God. Oh yeah, this song. And they pull your head and they put it down. And they're like, yeah, look, look, look, look. And I'd be like, Oh my God. Oh yeah. This song. You ruined everything. They pull your head and they're like, no,

no, watch, watch, watch. They stick, they stick one of those hats that has like beer can things on it, but it's like a phone right in front of your face. It was,

I honestly felt like I wanted to unzip, peel the skin off backwards, climb up the wall, like Tony Collette and hereditary and evaporate. No. And then saw, and then saw with the piano. Like literally,

like it was so, Take the full five minutes to And I'm trying to become somebody who accepts when things are weird and speaks up but I'm not there yet. And so the whole next day I was like what is that? I know people have felt that.

That can't be just me. Where someone really traps you into watching an uncomfortably long video for the scenario. Man, this is five minutes. I think it's like, it's a special, correct me if I'm wrong. I feel like it's a special social finesse ability called tact. Like, you know what I mean? Like finding the right exact tone to like, to draw a boundary, but respectfully and also

like not hurt people's feelings. It's extremely difficult. And of course, his girlfriend is brilliant. Is it? Adam Schlesinger, who wrote the music, one of my favorite songwriters ever.

He passed away of COVID. Love him. And it's Rachel Bloom. Of course. Brilliant. But of course I live online. I know about you ruined everything. I know the audio.

You're out of your mind. I live on Tik TOK. Like, so I just felt, I just wonder, have you ever experienced that? Are you nuts? Do you think a lot of people have?

Or do you think it's just us? Cause we don't, we don't act right. No, I've experienced it, but I'm like, I don't want to watch that. When I said you and me,

which is someone I send the most memes to, I mentally know you just might not watch it. And I'm not going to take issue with that. No, but then also like, if you say like you mentioned it, I'd be like, Oh,

I didn't see that. And I scroll up and I look at it at my own leisure, because that's what a normal, like, regular person who's not fucking crazy does. Are you, Dave, a claims-free hybrid driving university grad who signed up online? Well, Dave, this jingle's for you. Who saves with TD Insurance? Because he's a claims Rehabby driving university grad Who signed up online It's Dave

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Ready for you. Well, the other day, I'm obsessed with this album by The Avalanches called We Will Always Love You. If you guys have not heard it, it came out in 2020, I think 2022. Top to bottom, it plays like a movie. It's just, it moves me to tears.

I'm obsessed with it. You're dying for it. I sent it to you the other day and then two hours, you were like, oh, I can't wait to hear it. Two hours later, I said, what did you think of the album? And you said, what album? Like this just happened. And I went, the album we talked about two hours ago.

But you weren't in my home with a Glock to my head. Well, okay. How about this though? Mama, mama, mamita. When you are in a group setting, perhaps a house party, I'm talking between six to 12 people and someone says, hey, I have the funniest YouTube video I want to show you guys. Can I screencast to your TV? Now, what do you think of that? What do you think is the social protocol there? Do you think that's asking too much of the room in general? Abso-fucking-lutely it is. However, there are a few rare occasions where, so when Andrew Yang was like, at Thanksgiving,

I hosted a bunch of people over for Thanksgiving. There was like 15 to 20 people there. No, no, this might have been, whatever. There was a lot of people. And he said, we got to watch Our Home Out West by Cola Scola. It's half an hour long. I was like, I was like,

I don't know about that girl. We can't just like, you know, switch gears at the party so fiercely and watch this. We were all wrapped because it was brilliant, but that's a rare occasion. Well, the other safe and consensual version of that is let's say it's a thing where it's your,

it's home. You know, you ever, one of those things where are playing music videos and each person is taking a turn and picking one. Yes. That's what we did during Thanksgiving. And you're sort of picking them for the room. You pick them knowing, oh, the room will either know this or love this. Yeah. Yeah. But they're not picking things only you will like.

Yeah. It's background. You talk over it. Nobody's like shushing. Right. like shushing right where the shushing is like i mean because as a person who's interested in offbeat especially music i don't expect anybody to like any of the foreign music i listen to and they don't i know they don't i really don't i i don't care but if it's my house it's like my house my rules my pleasure right you know it's in my house you're gonna or my studio it's you're

gonna have to suffer through whatever i want to listen to but oh girl that is so it's like if you want to fuck a pig you got to deal with that little spring dick. Hello. Do you know about that? The coil-shaped dick. Do I know about to be pig dicks? Who are you talking to? Am I a pig dick fan?

Am I a pig dick man? You pig dick bitch. I got to tell you one more thing that happened to me. What? No. What else? What else are we going to do on this podcast? Girl.

No, I got to ask you a question. Okay. What is worse? A disappointing massage or a disappointing hookup? What is worse? I've thought about it for two weeks. I've thought about it for two weeks. I'd like to.

I'm ready to answer. Let's go. Final Jeopardy. What is? And give me kind of the pros and cons of what's, you know... Okay, it's a disappointing massage 100%. It is, right? 100%. Thank you. 100%. Because a hookup, that's a consumer

report. It's a transactional experience where you say, oh, I bought this sweater. It fell apart in two days. I'm never really going to go back to that store. Whatever. You know, I got burnt by hot coffee at McDonald's. I'm going to sue them. You know, like things like that. I got run over by Octavia Spencer on a... I'm going to sue them. You know, like things like that. I got run over by Octavia Spencer. I'm going to try to avoid her in the future.

A woman named Mauna, bowl cut, hit me with her car. Yeah. You know, I got a transfusion of dog blood. Iron me and paint me white. So that's, but when you're, it's a hookup when it's not a paid gig. That's why I love sex work and sex workers. But, you know, oftentimes you get bofa. You get a sexual encounter and a massage, a twofer, bofa for money.

I got a sports massage at a hotel a couple weeks ago. Well, it was a massage at all different levels. And I picked the highest one, which was sports massage. Okay. Which is where, because my knees have been just killing. Sure. I can barely walk. Sure.

So I thought, oh, the soft tissue that's all inflamed, I would love for it to get rubby rubby. Rubby rubby. You said rubby rubby.

It was such a, talk about the technique. Such a back of the hand, such a light touch and then areas where it wasn't light enough, she tried to get in my TMJ and she put on rubber gloves

and my inside of my mouth was bleeding after. I was like, but she told me to speak up. It hurt too much. But I'm also like, isn't it supposed to hurt a little? Like, that's the point. So I'm like kind of crying while it's happening.

Cause I'm also not speaking up enough. So she's massaging and the lights are off. So tears are streaming down my face and she's like, are you good? I'm like, yup. But I thought it's supposed to hurt a little bit. Cause my jaw hurts a little bit all the time right now. So I'm like, let's go for pain. Cause let's gain something.

Sure. Sure. So I'm willing to give birth to the baby. Does that make sense? You know, I'm willing to fucking just wear my cervix up. Rip that head out of this cunt. Right, because I want the tax break. Right.

Which I assume is why you have a child. And then she gets to the knee. I'm not saying she needed to get on my knee, ride it like a Sibian and French kiss it. I'm saying she kind of backed up over it and did a Y turn and left. You know what I mean? It was sort of,

it was so afterthought. She, like she kind of, if she was a vehicle, she kind of did a Y turn over it and left. It was like, it was like, you did touch it, but I was hoping for deep round the knee.

Oh, she digged it with her bicycle. Yeah, she digged it with her bicycle. Yeah. She digged it with her bicycle. I wanted elbows in. I wanted her to basically spend half the time. You wanted boots on the ground. And I said sports massage.

And I said, hey, I have really bad knees right now that I can barely move. I need a lot of focus on my knees. And that didn't occur. She didn't spend time with like the attachment, like the ligaments around the knee, the calves, the quads, all that stuff. I kept thinking it was coming. And then she goes, thank you for taking some time for yourself today. And I was like,

thank you for taking time for yourself, Miss Thing, because you obviously weren't focused on me, bloop. And it was like urban legend. I wanted a noose tied to a car, and then someone backs away, and I just get hung in the room. I was like, really? $290 for a sports massage?

Exqueeze me? And I say at the counter, knees, knees, knees, knees, knees. And in the room, I fill out a paper. They make you fill out a thing saying, what do you want worked on? I said, the knees, knees, knees. Oh my god, mama, no, ma'am. And I felt, ugh. And then they had something called,

it was, okay, there's a spa or there's a steam room, which is steam in the hot cedar. And then there was something with big marble planks that are all heated evenly that you lay on. That gave me nothing. Oh, okay. It gave me nothing. What about hot, cold and all that stuff? The full spa experience.

You know what? You should go to the Russian spa. The bonus spa. I don't want to get naked with strangers. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, I told you about the time at Wii Spa with Miss Thing and her little gaggle of i can't handle people telling me to go to we spa why i'm not going to get naked with strangers no i'm just saying it is completely non-sexual that's the only thing is no no no trust me when i went there that's not what i'm worried about i'm not only uncomfortable if we're fucking

i don't want to see a bunch of naked people i don't want them to see me i that's t i that's i was it was a real huge it took a leap it was um it was a bunch of naked people. I don't want them to see me. That's tea. That's tea. I was, it was a real huge, it took a leap. It was, it was a leap of faith. I felt like quantum leap. I felt like, what's his name?

Scott Bakula and quantum leap when I was in there because I did not know. And they did not warn me, miss Andrew Yang and miss Joseph Nutterveld. They're like, you get one face cloth and you better believe I, I was like this. Of course it was more than enough to cover up my teeny little peanut. The acorn.

Yeah. The micanite. The flesh colored micanite. It's a non-pareil. Girl. But it was so, it was very uncomfortable. But nobody, it's all nudity all the time because they don't want, well, I'm not really sure why. They don't want some people in just like, you know, bootcut jeans staring at the naked people.

I guess. And also you can't have like, you can't. Conceal boners? You can't wear clothes, nasty clothes in the hot spa. Can you get kicked out for having a boner? I believe you probably could, but I'm not really sure. Interesting. I think it's all, you know, these places are actually,

you know, they're gender, usually quite gender separated um but for like the russian spa for example like the vota spa like because the russian banya is a very big cultural thing it's not extravagance it's just people go to the spa people go to spot there's a smoking area that's why i love the vota spa and um you know they're just like everybody's fat and mean and sometimes hot, sometimes ugly. And they're just like chewing it up. And you like it. Yeah. They whack you with fucking thistles.

They have that whole shit going on. It's cunty. But I have a massage therapist, the Bulgarian Golden Hands Olympic trainer. He trained track and field athletes at the Olympics. And he is so fucking good and half that motherfucking price and he will get your whole life together bitch can you give me his number i'm also looking for a private yoga instructor hell mama that's that's rebecca ferguson's agents mama i got you i need i got you so professional oh personal yoga i've got you

i'm gonna get you together i'm gonna i'm gonna wrap you up like a whole hobo sack and take you, fling you in the river. That's what I want. Girl. Oh, bitch. You ain't ready for these fuckers. You ain't ready. Snap the legs off, honey. Oh, my.

Miss Antoine and Miss Blake. Oh, they're going to. Oh, Blake the snake and Antoine the don. You're just going to fucking skeet. Because all this information, until they can figure out what's wrong with it, I'm trying to figure out how to promote circulation to help. Hell yeah. Oh, dude, they would like fucking, they would, yeah, they're the best.

It's been horrible. In the mornings, I can barely get out of bed. Oh, no, no. I can barely walk. I need restorative yoga and then therapeutic massage. Today, to get down the stairs in my house, I had to hold both hands on the railing and do one step at a time. Whistler's mother.

You are Whistler's mother. For solid pink discosos last weekend i had to have them hide a chair so i could sit behind the decks that's how bad it's a little baby stool like a booster seat yes and i'm afraid to cancel because people get so mad and i which i would get mad too but i'm really scared of hurting myself by continuing to work but what do you do but here's the thing though it's like you got to have the perspective it's like yes it's horrible to cancel it's suck people hate it i hate it i mean if i went to lubbida or you know if i go to if i went to a russian concert and i found out it was rescheduled and i couldn't go i'd kill myself right you know i'd kill myself and that's appropriate but but we're doing drag on heavy they're like you're the only thing keeping me alive yeah see

you friday i'm like fuck yeah well well i guess i'll hot glue my ear back on and go to the gig um i watched lisa frankenstein last night did you like it yeah there's diablo cody very ya very pg-13 almost no real blood or gore i hate that a lot of goth fashion that's what my friend blotta said she's like it's 80 if you were a goth girl in the 80s or 90s You'd love it Between like Chapel Roan right now And Lisa Frankenstein That artist That pop artist

Chapel Roan and Lisa Frankenstein When I tell you These sapphic girls These sapphic teens Are coming out goth Yeah They're chewing the clips up The double stack

The drawn on lashes The sort of 80s goth Neo goth It's coming It's coming What did you think about Miss Austin Butler With your white eyeliner on?

Everyone was tagging me being like, so funny. So funny. As if I invented what? Macy Leonard. Well, yeah. Macy Robbins said,

Sue. All the comments are like, gather her. I'm like, you think I'm going to gather Austin Butler? Yeah. Serve the Butler. The Butler's been served.

I was, it looked, it looked, I thought it looks great. You know, on normal people, white eyeliner looks like white eyeliner. I don't know if it makes people look fresher or brighter,

especially on men. It does look just like a white eyeliner. It doesn't make you, it's not like skincare. It doesn't make you look good. I thought it looked good. I don't think it makes people look more attractive. Well,

he doesn't need any help. He doesn't need any help. It looked fashion-y. Yeah. I mean, he's a striking young man Tilda Swinton Kaya Gerber

Lena Horne I've got a story that is going to curl your hair We'll leave it for next time Okay we'll see you next time Oh wait and don't forget Like and subscribe And don't forget If you have a fun clip for someone,

just send it to them to watch on their, at the airport on the toilet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, and if it, no,

honestly, this is like, if you're in the stall taking a shit, watching a clip and you see some, you know, hear somebody blowing ass in the next stall, go right under the, the,

the divider and be like, Hey, watch this. And start filming. Yeah. Yeah. One. And then.

Okay. Bye. Yeah. And then. Okay, bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.