The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - A Rumspringa Spring Break with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: May 2, 2023

It's that time of year, you horse & buggy-riding, butter-churning, hat-and-bonnet-wearing queens! Put away your Froschauer bible, take off your mutza, and ignore every rule you've ever learned from the Ordnung! It's Rumspringa time, bitches! A time to drink copious amounts of Mad Dog 20/20 Orange Jubilee, dance the night away to the devil's deep house beats, and ingest every recreational drug known to humankind! IT'S RUMSPRINGA!!!!!! Check out Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://www.Squarespace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain! Sign up for a Chime Checking Account today to link your paycheck. It only takes two minutes and doesn’t affect your credit score! Get started at Chime.com/BALD, or by clicking this link: https://www.chime.com/apply-debit/?ad=podcast_bald This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.BetterHelp.com/BALD to get 10% off your first month and get on your way to being your best self! Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our latest book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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You want to do some pod talking? Yeah. Stretching out my Invader Zim shirt I got on here. Oh, is that, um, uh, uh, what's his name? George Glass? No, I know the guy. It's something, um something um invite a theme um i i know the guy who the the the author of that it's a cartoon yeah it's a comic book graphic graphic no it's an on tv

cartoon oh is it also a graphic novel i'm sorry i didn't know that. I think so. Oh. Is J something V something Z something? Yeah, Joe Vasquez. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to tour Nickelodeon and I met him. He's really nice. Cool. I did. I was at Nickelodeon when I did.

I had a character on Monster High this season. Oh, that is. Talk about it. Oh, well, I played Skelly Vonderbron. It aired like two weeks ago. I didn't watch it because I don't have cable. Right. But I saw clips of it because I don't have cable right but I saw clips of it on Twitter but I this sounds bad

I didn't want to promote it because of all the people calling drag queens groomers and pedophiles and it's a it's a it's a cartoon and so I didn't want to draw unnecessary attention so I didn't post about it because I was scared well you shouldn't be scared and you shouldn't want to be like at Nickelodeon

disappointed do you know what I mean i've become such a troll on twitter recently really every time it's some conservative shit yeah i loved when it's drag related like cmt posted a picture of a bunch of drag queens on the red carpet and of course all the comments are like grooming this isn't my country and i have to roll in there and go too much woke grooming all capital letters woke tina mcgroomingstein yeah it's so great and this lady this lady barbara was like they need to leave our kids alone and i'm like i don't think it's good parenting to leave kids alone thank you you know leave them in a hot car leave them in a hot car hot car the grooming i can't get enough of the grooming people have texted me from high school and college and stuff being like are you okay i just keep seeing all this shit about

drag queens on the news are you like i'm like i'm not in danger no i am in guantanamo right now but i'm not in danger yeah but people keep i'm like people also don't realize the privilege of money and fame we're not going to be affected no it's people down the street who are going to be affected people drag queens and trans people who work in bars are going to be affected. No, it's people down the street who are going to be affected. People, people, drag Queens and trans people who work in bars are going to be affected. Not us. No, because we're some, we're just dogs that happen to have a little bit of money.

Right. I don't think, I don't know if we can get into it again, but like, even if you keep drag shows from happening, this shit's on the internet. Drag is on the internet every day, all day.

Most of it's on the internet. It's people in their, in their little homest homes doing the ring light. Are you going to pivot to Amish to keep your kids away from the grooming? That would be more interesting if they just went full anti-electricity. You know what I mean? Go big. Swing big.

Have you ever met a person on Rumspringer? Rumspringer? Rumspringer? Yeah, Rumspringer. It's like their little holiday. They're like, go out and sow your royal oats or whatever, or wild oats. Have you ever met a person on Rumspringer? Oh, I'm on that. What is it? Rumspringer? Yeah, Rumspringer. It's like their little holiday. They're like, go out and sow your royal oats or whatever, or wild oats. Have you ever met a person on Rumspringer? Oh, I'm on that.

What is it? Rumspringer? Rumspringer. Yeah. I don't know why I can't say that. Well, because you've never fucked someone on Rumspringer. Yeah. Rumspringer.

I think. Jerry Springer. Look it up with you. Amish holiday, or it's like the free pass. They need to reverse Rumspringer for non-Amish. Visiting week. You can be Amish for a week. Yeah, visiting week. Yeah. They should do that with like the Scared Straight. Yeah, remember like the free pass? They need to do reverse Rum Springer for non-Amish. Visiting week. You go be Amish for a week. Yeah, visiting week.

Yeah. They should do that with like the Scared Straight. Yeah, remember like Scared Straight? It's like, I tell my mom to give me money and I, you know, and then the person,

somebody in a Halloween store military outfit comes in and screams in their face. It's so, puts plastic handcuffs on them and puts them in the back of a Toyota Camry.

Mom, I'm sorry. They made me clean for five minutes have you ever had to do community service no no okay i had to not for crime not for crime was part of being part of the national honor society you know how much i had to do five hours a month and i i screamed and cried about it. What'd you do? Some bullshit. I was always making it up. Like, oh, I cleaned my teacher's room or something. Bullshit. Such a fucking liar. I was in the NHS, but I don't remember if they made me do anything.

Five hours a month is a lot for me. Girl, I thought that ceremony was bunk. Remember they give you the white rose or whatever? The yellow rose? No, that's the Bachelor. No! It's very culty, the National Otter Society. Well yellow rose? No, that's The Bachelor. No. No, like it's like high. It's very culty, the National Otter Society. Well, yeah, of course.

It's a very elitist. You're like lighting candles and holding flowers. And then you get on the table and that priest fucks you right in your little virgin cunt. And does a little smear of ash on your forehead. Semen. Sucking, sucking down semen. Do you love Ash Wednesday? How much do you love Ash Wednesday? How much do you love Ash Wednesday?

That one day of the year where everybody walks around with shit on their face and pretend it doesn't matter. You've never noticed that on Wednesday before? That's the day with the ashes on the face, right? That's the day where people walk around with a soot on their forehead and a smudge

all day long. Do they do it in the morning then? Yeah, usually in the morning. People who do it like a smudge all day long in the morning then or what yeah usually in the morning that people who do it like to have it all day long they like to do all their errands and see as many people as possible with that smushy uh sooty conversation piece like he went to jared yeah it's like yeah i went to church bitch yeah i'm a fucking christian sorry i'm fucking chosen yeah sorry that jesus you know whatever chosen is jews christians don't say chosen uh no christians say but doesn't don't all got it from hot topic i just did i just did an activation with hot topic and i had to do like a goth look as a boy oh god bring me back my high school years i wasn't goth but i was like

hot topic emo emo yeah yeah yeah i had to do like a little smoky eye with like like rings and like i looked in the mirror and i thought this is for some people yeah it's not for me it's like fallout some people it's fallout boy yeah yeah pete wentz but people i love goth i think he's cute we had a lot of goth people at like solid pink disco people who are going all black and they had a pink earring and they're like, this is for you. Where they were like, I had to go buy something pink. Will you allow it? Of course. Oh, see, that's great.

I would just wear a pink lipstick or something. Yeah, one thing pink. That's all I ask. Or my whole face like a mandala pour in that commercial. Yeah. Oh. Okay, so what happens on Rumspringa? During Rumspringa, Amish youth enter a time of greater social activity.

Traditional youth activities include volleyball, swimming, ice skating, picnics, hiking, and large outdoor parties. I'm sorry, that sounds decadent. I thought it was crack and sex. I think that's what it really is. I thought you go to New York and you wear normal clothes and you suck cock for heroin. Yeah, you go right to Avenue A and you get on your knees and you take as many loads in your mouth as possible. Right. Or the Grand Central Station.

Ass out. They have a little Velcro flap on the back of their little panties. Do you get into hookups that are ass up, door open, ass up? Absolutely. Yes. The fuck I do not. No. Absolutely.

Yes. No. Absolutely. The fuck I do not. No. Absolutely yes. No, absolutely the fuck I do not. I have a very rich, active, imaginative inner world. I don't need just some mountain. I need to know I'm getting involved with a person. A person who's hot to you.

Yeah, or not even. A person that's interesting. A person that's real, has a life of their own. And we're merging for one magical moment, sometimes many moments, over the course of an evening. Someone you find hot. That has to be part of it. Yeah, I don't get like,

I don't see a butt sticking up like a hole in a tablecloth with a butt. It's not safe to say, are you gay? It's safe to say, are you into girls or guys? Well, so that was funny. Because you don't know what people are. Funny you say that.

So a friend of mine from college has two young children. Gorgeous, by the way. So like models. Hot. Yeah, like stunning. And kind of androgynous. You know, she's like a coastal elite, very smart, well-educated. But she was telling me her 12-year-old son, he doesn't really think in terms of like gay, straight.

They don't really – they're not doing all that. They're doing The Sims. In The Sims, no one's gay or straight or anything. You can just be attracted to anyone. That's – so what are we doing here? I think that's what we're moving towards. What are we doing here? What is this gay-straight alliance shit? So what are we doing here? I think that's what we're moving towards. What are we doing here?

What is this gay-straight alliance shit? However, you know what, though? This is horrible. I'm always like, wow, if you're straight, you just kind of assume everyone around you is someone who could be interested in you, possibly. Whereas when you're gay, unless you get a read that they're gay, you don't assume anyone, any guy's gonna come into you. Right. But I think it would be harder and more confusing

if there was more options for me. Oh, I see what you mean. You don't catch a vibe? Well, you know what you like. You wanna catch a vibe. You wanna catch a vibe, yeah. But if everyone was fair game, I think I'd be even more confused

about who's vibing and who's not. Well, you gotta read the body language. Because I'm like, oh, he's gay? who's vibing and who's not. Well, you got to read the body language. Because I'm like, oh, he's gay. All right. Even if he's not into me, he'll probably fuck me. You know? Ass up in a sheet. Right.

Yeah. You just put the tablecloth over your butt. One of those paper, like, disposable birthday tablecloths. Exactly. Happy birthday, Sarah. You fold it up, cut a little thing, put your butt right through it. You say, hello. Well, have you ever been a proctologist?

They wrap that paper around you. They put your butt right through it. You say, hello. Well, have you ever been a proctologist? They wrap that paper around you. They put you up on that table that I've never been to a specialty doctor that only deals with the asshole. They put you up on the table like this. And then they, the table tips, like they hit a button and you go, so then you're like inverted and you're wearing paper wrapped around yourself like a dress.

Why? By the way, you notice that doctors, everyone preps you until the last second when a doctor has to be there. So the doctor walks in, puts on a glove, and immediately, boom. No, they have like a little scissors or whatever where they rip a hole through the paper. So then you just expose butthole. Oh my God. Like in the pornos when they rip the underpants off. Do people want that? I certainly do. So then you just expose butthole. Oh my God. Like in the pornos when they rip the underpants off. Yeah.

Do people want that? I certainly do. I watch it. You want your panties ripped off? Yeah. Panties ripped in half. Do you like men in panties? I do.

You do? Yeah, I do. I was like, I was on the fence about, um, I was on the fence about what kind of underwear jock straps for a long time. Of course, I don't particularly think, I think you have to have some kind of, some kind of substantial heft back in the back to get, pull off a jock strap, right? A skeleton in the jock strap

is not exactly that enticing. That's just my point of view. I don't, I mean, this is maybe my trauma. I don't think jock straps are the most flattering thing to wear. No, I don't either. I also, but I i have you know what i do have come around on well i was always around on them thongs i think they're so hot you do you

think yeah they're fucking g-strings you like that yeah like the classic ones not the one through all the straps and shit like a like a stripper's g-string you know yeah gold lame or black or whatever i want to see more go-go boys in real underwear and now what's real underwear like a hundred percent cotton hey gray haynes gray haynes put some sweat stains in the crack because my damage is i now attribute a certain amount of costumey underwear to like sex workers like circuit circuit gays. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that. Yes. Right.

You know? Yeah. And I like a little more either creativity where it's a costume or a little more realism. Yeah. I'd rather have nothing. I just like, you can,

you can do all that, but it's not going to come off. And if, if it all goes my way pretty quickly, you know what I mean? We're not doing, but it's not Dita Von T's on New Year's Eve. You know what I mean?

Yeah. We're not like doing glove, glove, garter, garter, stocking, stocking. You know, we're just taking it all off and getting rolling around. Cock sock. Yeah. It's a new day.

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the y see what you can achieve at ymca gta.org what do you think about sex and movies oh Oh my god, this whole Twitter conversation? It's crazy. It's the next level of kink at pride. It's crazy. I love it. I love it so much. I was like, how dare... It doesn't move the plot forward.

I think it's so unnecessary. I was like, who are these pilgrim people? They're on Rumspringa. They're on Rumspringa trying to watch The Whale. The Whale could have benefited from a love scene or two call me crazy i rented the whale turns out it was wally yeah because i was using i was using the amish pronunciation i just i love i i wish they would bring back a true 90s erotic thriller genre back we need sliver we need to um thecent proposal. We need disclosure. We need those nasty Sharon Stone vehicles for like hot.

Yeah. Basic instinct, fatal attraction. Yeah. We need Michael Douglas fucking some, you know, hot bitch in her late 30s. What's with that? It was a genre in the 90s. But what's with Michael Douglas? Because he is hot young bitches.

Michael Douglas with fucking Sharon Stone in her prime. In her prime. Hot, wet, fuckable pussy that every man in the world would trip over. And woman. Oh, yes. And she was bisexual in that as well. Yeah. Yeah.

Hotter than hell. Sizzling. Scorched. That pussy was. She's the villain. Was but was... She's the villain. Was butane. She's the villain. She is the suspect.

Oh. All bisexuals are the villainous suspects. The person of interest, let's say. But you got... You know, we just don't have that. Also, where's the brunette bombshells these days? Where are they? Where are the Jean Triple Horns?

Where are the Marsha Gay Hardens? Where are the Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonios? Where are the Jean Triple Horns? Where are the Marcia Gay Hardens? Where are the Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonios? Where are the Mimi Rogers? Where are the Mimi Rogers? Where's the Mr. Rogers? Where are the Minnie Drivers? Yeah. Mary.

But I guess people- Andy McDowell. Well, David said that, well, I guess maybe this generation doesn't understand that having sex in a movie isn't real sex. There's not penetration. There's not, this is acting. And it's beautiful. And also these are actors.

Actors want to act. They read the scripts and they go, I want to do this. Yeah. That's what happens. And also just take a look at some of these, these films, a Brian De Palma film or, you know and then look at uh men.com very different very different very different the lighting is you know it's a whole beautiful it's art versus what is titanic without that steamy window that oh hello yeah what is sliver without him billy baldwin

creeping up on uh you know alongside her and fucking her on that um i never seen sliver oh mama are you saying slither sliver okay i've seen slither yeah this is very different did you see slither uh is that the the um snakes in the no oh no so there's aliens involved in invading like a small town oh is that they go up the puss puss it's fucking crazy girl it's fucking crazy check it out big gore big nasty gore. Yeah. Tipper gore, Al Gore. Disgusting.

Elizabeth Banks is in it. Oh, yes. Okay. I think I've seen that, actually. It's crazy. Oh, is that the... Definitely. Last night, I couldn't find five milligram gummies, but David had 10 milligram.

Okay. And I thought Six the one Half the death And the death So I bit half of it off And I was like You know what

I'm like playing My little video games I watch a paranormal activity Yeah Took the other half The other half Turned teen to angular It was the key change

And my heart will go on You're here In bed eating up Frozen Twix Really You're like Gooned Wondering why I need to lipo Oh my god You know what I here. In bed eating up frozen Twix. Gooned. Wondering why I need to lipo.

You know what I did the other night? I took, I had an edible cookie on a whim, this old bag in the thing and they kick in so I always forget. Every time I do an edible I become like a wrecking ball, babe. And so much later. You've forgotten it.

Always forget. and so two hours later while i'm like kind of like cleaning the um the scum off my like kitchen uh my bathroom sink and i'm thinking about like help but wonder i was like i couldn't help but wonder what are all the patterns in the relationships of my lives and how do they have to it was like what am i in oh i had an edible yeah and it's like that's stupid it's like, that's stupid. It's like, everything is so considered. The minutiae of every activity is called into question. There's like a lot of, it's just too much thinking. Yeah.

It's too much thinking. It's thoughts. It's a lot of thoughts. It's not for me. But sometimes I have revelations. Yeah, sure. I'll be on TikTok and I'm like, you're not hot or you're not funny. You're just hot.

Oh, yeah. About someone else. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I might've laughed at this, but right now I know that I would have laughed because they're hot. Yeah. Because they're funny. Sometimes I get depressed though. Cause it makes me think it makes me analyze things from a, from a dark angle. It's,

it's rarely like a, Oh, you know what I mean? You can't let yourself, you need to put, close the door to the spiritual realm of certain topics. If you're going to do that. Well, you know what I mean? You can't let yourself, you need to close the door to the spiritual realm of certain topics if you're going to do that. Well, that's what I mean. I thought I just need to sit down and watch the whale.

Yeah. Or sit down and watch Avatar, Way of Water. I don't even get much into edibles anymore. But because of the time change, I was trying to like. Does it make you go to bed? Well, I was like fully ready to go sleep at 3 p.m. And then by like 9, my body was like. You got to push on through.

Morning. So I had to be like, no, we need to just take the edible and go to sleep, at 3 p.m and then by like nine my body was like you gotta push on through morning and i'd be like no we need to just take the edible and go to sleep mary yeah did you get fucked up by jet lag yeah definitely do bigly bigly bigly oh wait wait wait i didn't tell you about the horror no what when i got to the airport to go to australia the front desk mr fergus we've been informed that your seat doesn't recline. But I'm talking, it doesn't even recline as much as a normal seat. American Horror Story Qantas. It did nothing. You were at 90 degrees.

90 degrees for 14 hours or whatever the flight is. I mean, I couldn't even do the one inch amount. Because in a normal coach seat, I can sleep like. Yeah, you can shift a little. And you put up. This is almost like. It has almost like these things the head thing this is almost past vertical this is almost like almost bending so i'm watching the whale knowing that this is the closest to sleep i'm gonna get and i'm like oh my god and i felt bad because i couldn't complain hard because of course i'm flying with two people who their seat was never going to turn into a bed well so i can't sit there and act like you know i can't act like when ellen had to let her

staff go during covet the you can and you should and i would have i know i called you for support which i shouldn't have done because you were like go home i was like get on the first get on the first get yourself you find your dignity in your suitcase and you leave the airport and you come back when there is a suitable flight. Thank you very much. Steven Craddock, who owns In the Dark, the tour, I got on the phone with him. I said,

Katya would have been gone. I would have been gone. I wouldn't do that. And they said, we're going to refund the flight. And I called the tour director and I said, I want that money.

I wanted my hand in ones and fives. I want it. I want it. Luckily, it was the way there because honestly, if it had been the way back,

it would have been much worse. Well, after a tour, I did Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday way there because honestly, if it had been the way back, it would have been much worse. Well- After a tour, I did Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And on Sunday, I had two shows. Sunday and Sydney. I would have rather I had been back. I had to go backstage, rebuild my face from scratch.

I had to pull out everything and rebuild it. Basically, repaint the whole thing. Yes. That's fucking crazy. Full copper re-pipe. Oh my God. And then go to my other gig and it was at a gay bar and it was so fun though.

Was it hot as well? Well, I'm used to performing. I love to perform for anyone. But when you get to perform in a gay bar with gay men ignoring you, there's something very freeing

and magical about that. Yeah. When you're a sexless clown just gyrating in the corner. Yeah. Versus, you know, girls from the suburbs

working me like Dr. Manhattan. Well, uh-oh, a little bit crazy. Yeah. Versus, you know, girls from the suburbs worshiping me like Dr. Manhattan. Well, uh-oh, a little bit crazy. Yeah. It was like a little reality check to be somewhere where you're being ignored. I was like, oh, I guess I can just do my thing and I have no pressure really. Totally. I didn't tell you about my other gig. I took this off the books because I didn't want to get canceled for being a pedophile.

You did children's camp? No, I didn't. I took this off the books because I didn't want to get canceled for being a pedophile. You did Children's Camp? No, I didn't. I took a little. I went with my friend who lives in Australia. And Mateo and I went and played at the bathhouse in Perth. Now, you played at the bathhouse? They have a DJ booth. Oh.

Would you play? Steamworks Perth. It's raining, man. What did you do? No, I played like the good nasty dark where it's just like fat dark beats with like. Fat dark beats. Touch my body. Like, you know, that type of shit like fat, dark, my body like,

you know, that type of shit. And it was really fun. It was fun to be in like, you know, they gave me a room to keep my DJ backpack in. And it was like a bed with a sex TV needle with a sex TV playing. Yeah.

And I just got to keep my stuff in there. And then I like, they gave you a little towel. Oh, as a little face cloth. I know. I was like, I don't want to be like photographed in a towel djing at the bath house right now right now would you wear i just wore like normal clothes i was the only person there with a t-shirt on okay okay um it was really fun cuties cuties oh hot people yeah yeah okay yeah

but then also not of course the bath house yes it's. It's not queer as folk. No, it's the troll toll. It's the grocery store. It is the grocery store. It's the grocery store. It's the naked grocery store. It's Slither. It's Sliver. It's Slither. But it was really, really fun.

And I've never been to a Steamworks and it was Steamworks Perth. It was really, really fun. I'm dying. I'm really hoping you're going to say that there was somebody doing a water show like a mermaid man. No. In the glass. No.

No. But there's a hot tub by the DJ booth. I was like, wow, I could show like a mermaid man. No. In the glass. No. No. But there's a hot tub by the DJ booth. I was like, wow, I could put on a long song. Put on our ultimate 10 minute remix of MacArthur Park. Hop in the pool. Go get in the hot tub for a little bit. Yeah. Dunkaroo.

Get gonorrhea. Whatever. You probably can't get an STI from a hot tub. You can probably get a fungal something, but that's probably it. I just got tested. For what? SATs? No, I get tested every three months.

Oh, for every full panel? Yeah. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing to speak of. Nothing exciting. That's a bummer. But you know that that's the best time to get tested is when you're like, if you get

tested regularly, then if you have a scare, you don't have to combobulate and figure out how to get tested. I know. But it was fun because it was fun to play. Between the gay bar and the bathhouse, it was fun because uh it was fun to play like between the gay bar and the bathhouse it was just like i don't get to dj besides precinct i don't get to dj in real gay bars very often so it was like really fun do you ever play any madonna music um erotica i play a remix of um at night i lock the door so no one else can see. Let the music get into the groove.

Get into the groove. I play remakes of that. Okay. And I play Vogue sometimes. I use the Vogue acapella over other songs a lot. Gotcha. Gotcha. Dietrich and DiMaggio. I'll like loop that shit and use it.

Okay. Sure. Sure. But there's not enough really good. Hung up? I don't even play hung up. No, because I play Gimme Gimme. And it's like the same song. Right, right. I play Ding Dong at one of the parties.

I know. I saw. It was so cute. It's so, it's so, you know, it's so wonderful that people actually know the song. They were thrashing. I only played it one night. Because you were embarrassed. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. While I was playing Rasputin. And it's almost the same BPM and same key as Rasputin. Yeah. Although it's Russianputin. Yeah. Well, there it's Russian folk influence. Yeah. Yeah.

So I mix into it and, um, people just, they love, it's a great song. I also got, I got Tomas to give me the stems of the acapellas. So I have all the acapellas of that.

If you ever want to hear your audio only. Oh, I got my stems. Yeah. Oh, I got my stems and a vase at home. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, it's like you, Ashley and all the voice effects, but a lot of your performance is spoken so that's a good acapella because you can use it over anything yeah also by oh my god wait wait um okay speaking of stems I have the stems for ravioli which are really great oh yeah it's just a lot and there's a lot of like um layered vocals like kind of like a choir effect but um we did that um a little thing for the boule brothers uh-huh and it was i don't know if i can say give it away it was so nasty girl it's gonna make me sick it's gonna make you sick you'll have to look away it was so crazy and so i showed up i we had this idea

and i didn't know if it was gonna work work. It was involved. Gore involved pasta involved blood and involved little people. And, and then so, and it all came together at the last minute, but this, these poor hired actors didn't know that they were going to be shoveling fists, fulls of bloody pasta out of my gut all day.

For most actors, I think 90% of their job is to wear a button-up shirt and like sit in the background of a scene and eat i think actors are just happy to do something fun i mean she was there were two of them um uh two actors and the the the girl was a absolute trooper she deserved a purple heart she really we put her through the ringer do they know who you were or they were like what is drag who are are these people? She knew about drag Yeah she didn't really know about I think she might have known me

But wasn't impressed She was on Little Women The show I watched that Yeah she was fierce Little Women of LA Yeah I watched that Yeah she was fierce

And such a trooper It was so gross It was so gross Yeah I think I don't think I could do that I think the very display of it Would trigger like a A response of don't eat that. Well, nobody was going to eat that.

But weren't they eating it? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I was just putting it in my mouth. Not eating it, though. We were just scooping it out, singing. Hey, hey, Mr. Scoopy Man, scoop up. I don't like that. Mr. Scoopy Man, scoop up.

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of pro. Get your LG Gram Pro today. Pro. Anytime, anywhere. What do you think about God and religion and love? A lot of things. A lot of things. Did you know that Monet X Change used to date a woman and she said it one time, God, I can't date you. God doesn't like that.

Or something like that. Monet is a complex tapestry of a woman. She is the coat of many colors. And she has to hang out with Bob, so she also needs

a purple heart. Do you know that my, oh, do you know that my dumb ass, I know she's bald of my dumb ass i know she's bald she's bald as a bitch she's a bald bitch girl me you monet and bob we could put our heads together and it would look like would you like cage-free organic eggs or bleached white grocery store eggs yeah or gray expired eggs yeah um and she's got this unit on this long

braided unit that her assistant is twisting up and all this kind of stuff. And as I'm leaving the, I was like, Oh, it was like, that's your hair. You thought it was her hair. I thought it was her hair for,

for like a couple of seconds. I get up real close and I'm looking, I was like, Oh, that's a wig. And I just, did you also think that your wig was your hair? Well,

I just left kind of quickly after that because I didn't want to stick around for any more questions And I just I thought I was like You know there's sometimes where you say something and do something It's so Just mind-blowingly idiotic So stupid that you just gotta leave Gotta get out of there, you gotta forget about it

Immediately It's so humiliating Oh you really thought For three seconds i was like oh oh because well i don't you don't have to explain yourself okay there's nothing to say there okay um the brady bunch but i don't know something hilarious happened backstage with because you know i don't drink no but she more than makes up for you stop drinking brandon doesn't really drink mateo doesn't drink much at all. Oh, that's right. So we're all on tour with Vanity. She's going to hold up the whole liquor cabinet.

Fuck. I know. She was like, you guys make me out to be more of a drinker than I am. You guys tell stories about me. Oh, no. She doesn't need any help from you guys. One of the nights she came back and she's like, Vanity likes to get a little, because Vanity loves to perform.

But more than that, Vanity, as part of her service as a performer, she likes to get a little Because Vanity loves to perform But more than that Vanity as part of Her service As a performer She likes to After she performs Walk and take pictures With fans Yeah

Get a little drink at the bar She likes to hang out Yeah Kiki Kiki But she walks through And she comes back And those bachelorettes Like there was

I guess bachelorettes there At my party And they Yeah A solid pink disco Yeah Which is by the way it's a better bachelorette experience

than penis at Dick's last resort yeah I met one of the bachelorettes I said this is a really fun bachelorette party yeah good for you

but one of the city's vanities comes back to the dressing room and the alcohols hit her hard and she's like oh the bachelorettes they gave me shots and forced me to listen

to stories about the divorces she was like she said groups of women are buying her shots and then forcing and then emotionally forcing her to do

emotional labor yeah damn she's so beautiful I know she's stunning it's unreal she's so

she's such a cunty painter cunty she's doing these Barbie's unreal. She's so, she's such a cunty painter. Cunty. She's doing these Barbie numbers. Oh, I forgot to tell you this. Oh, so she's doing her number,

right? And I have a costume, uh, that is one armed, like a one arm disco suit. One, it's like a Bob Mackie. One arm is,

um, fringe. Okay. And I think about having a fringe suit is is and you're standing in front of a giant panel of hundreds of buttons oh that fringe can get stuck on faders knobs yes yes yes multiple times and then what okay vanity's doing her number she's doing a barbie a totally her barbie mega mix she's like doing this is my hair she's doing hair hair by Gaga. And I go to film her. So I have my iPhone and I'm leaning over the decks and I'm filming her.

And my strand gets stuck on the fader and the volume drops. No way. Immediately. And she looks behind her. And I look at Mateo and I look down in panic and my fringe is wrapped around the fader and has cut the music. So I slam the music back on and I'm just smiling and I'm like, Oh my God, how mortifying.

That's horrible. And after, but I run backstage and I go, I'm so sorry. I had that costume got stuck on the fader. I said, I guess I shouldn't be wearing anything like sleeves. No.

Yeah. Or anything flouncy gets stuck on the fader. And then two nights later. Happened again. During the same part of the song. I was filming and it happened again. And she was like, again,

I said, I'm so fucking sorry. Please tell me it happened the third time. No, just twice. Thank God. But then another night, I had that big crimped disco wig on. Love that, by the way. And I glued it on to death. Yeah.

So I could move in it. Yeah, yeah. And I have my back to the audience and I'm shaking the shit out of it. And they're cheering. The hair gets stuck on one of the faders and turns off the music again so I guess I need to turtlenecks and yeah turtlenecks and Dorothy Hamill DJ DJ Dorothy Hamill up there I was like this is why Jodi Harsh is up here in a t-shirt because in a fried um fried uh strip of bangs because her bangs are this long they're not gonna get stuck on anything no and they're just like little um it's like a

yeah like a paintbrush so i learned the hard way like you have to costume appropriately that's scary because pulling the plug on it pulling the plug on the music at a party is it's like 15 other people they're dancing death and in the middle of her number where they're all clapping oh it's during her number both times it was during her number and i felt so fucking bad she turned around looked at me and i went yeah i was like i'm so sorry i'm so fucking sorry did you get her a bouquet of flowers or some cash i had her killed i thought she had a good run a lot of crying a lot of crying crying i think people can't hold their. So a lot of people in all pink outside the venue sobbing.

Oh my God. Come on. We got to grow up. We got to grow up. We got to grow up. We got to grow up. A lot of crying. We got to grow up.

We're not crying outside the gig. We got to grow up. I feel like the only person who's allowed to cry at a gig is if it's your bachelorette party and you're hammered. Yeah. And even then. Don't do all that. Don't do all that.

Mama, don't do all that. What do all that mama don't do all that what do you think about crying when's the last time you cry uh maybe two weeks ago watching the whale no well i cried yeah i cried from the whale i'm hung she makes me cry and everything uh love her and watchmen watching her again mama she is she she's the scenes she's a scene stealer I graduated from MIT Three years later I bought it And girl You gotta watch her Downsizing

I know It's on my list I just don't fuck with Matt Damon like that But if you wanna cry Watch her in downsizing She's gonna Okay Watch it

What's the saddest What's the saddest movie You can think of Something that would make you I'm not watching Brokeback Ever again Okay I'm not watching Titanic ever again.

Okay. Anything like that, I can't do that. Ruins my day. Okay. I don't leave buoyed by the human spirit. I leave downtrodden by the realities of the human experience.

Right. What about you? I would have to say it's probably like... Kazam? Curly Sue? Uncle Buck? Uncle Buck? i fucking love uncle buck i know i was probably like um um you know steel magnolias or something like that and that's the i've never seen it it's a really feel good it's a fabulous film it's so fucking gay i've seen the one with queen latifah Oh my god Oh no no yeah we'd pretend that didn't exist Even my black friends are like

Why did you watch that one And I was like because I'm just trying to be like Watch the coolest newest one No no no it's garbage It was not the coolest newest one It was fine It didn't make me cry I wasn't like moved

The original is so It's just so gay It's such gay canon It's such a gay canon. Like, you know, it's like Terms of Endearment. It's like, whatever, you know. But why is it called Steel Magnolias? Well, because the women are made out of steel. So they're beautiful and like.

Yeah. But there's a point at the end where they say when a character dies and. Is it Sandy or whatever? Shelby. Shelby. Yeah. And then the guy like she's dying in the hospital and the husband and the father can't take it. And she's like, I thought men were supposed to be made of steel or something.

They were. It's very like it's. But it's all, you know, it's overwrought. It's but it's all you know it's overwrought it's melodramatic um oh i love a good nasty ugly cry like i almost puke like i like like eyes bulging so many tears and then the snot is so much that i almost like choke i love that when david cries i cry really well crying is very contagious yeah we were talking about something the other day and he was crying and i was like instant crying yeah i mean when you watch somebody you care about crying yeah oh it's

a wrap it's a wrap oh my god when my grandpa died i remember we walked out to his deer stand which is like you know in hunting you have like your deer stand of course and we all walked out there as a group after the funeral with my grandma it was like it was a year later it was an anniversary year later we all go and i never seen my grandma cry something really crazy about seeing your mom or your grandma your dad or something absolutely parents crying is so fucking crazy yeah and my grandma who i've never seen cry my life not even at my grandpa's funeral i even have the funeral pours a shot and we all have shots right like you I'm like, you know. And we're out at the deer stand.

This is so, so. Smokey, smoky. Yes, we're all standing at a deer stand with a shot. Yeah, yeah. And my grandma, I remember she was like,

she said, Ed, and then she started crying and I remember seeing my grandma cry and being like, I will never recover from this. Fuck. This is the saddest shit

I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, I've never seen my father cry. Never, ever once. He always cries my life. Yeah. I've never seen my father cry. Never ever once. He always cries around me. Yeah. After he Your dad is in

incredible shape. Yeah. He looks just like you. Three hips. Three hips. Three hip surgeries I mean. Yeah. And a knee.

Your brother too. Yeah. Your family's all high and tight. Yeah it's kind of a fitness family. Kind of a fitness family. My family's a little bit the opposite. Yeah. Your family's all high and tight. Yeah. It's kind of a fitness family. Kind of fitness family. My family's a little bit the opposite.

Yeah. A lack of fitness family. I got stage coach in two weeks. Now tell me, is this like Coachella but for country music? It's Coachella for folk music. Yeah. A folk music. I'm going to be honest.

I'm a little nervous about getting, not picketed. I don't care if people pick at me. I'm a little nervous about getting, not picketed. I don't care if people pick at me. I'm a little nervous about getting shot. You're not going to get shot, Mary. And if you do, what a way to go. Not to be morbid, but seriously, it's better than falling down the stairs in the laundromat. I'm the last person of the evening. I'm the latest performance.

At what time? 11.30. Thank God. It'll be cool. Hello. Thank you. I think they offered me 11.30 or like 4 p.m. And I said,

Mama, we're not doing that. We're not doing pre-dusk. No, honey, we're not doing pre-dusk. And you know, I don't want to complain,

but do it. The pay is fine. Once you put in everyone's rehearsals, transportation, you're breaking even. We're hoping. Yeah. So I'm just trying to have a good time.

I rented a tour bus for me in the band to drive from LA to the gig. Oh, that's fine. And pull up behind that way in drag. I have a little dressing room, like behind the stage. That's smart. A little bit of splurge.

It's like seven, $8,000 for the tour bus for the day. Yes. Oh man, you're not going to take a, like you're gonna take a nickel home. Well, luckily the next day at stage coach,

I took a gig doing some correspondence boots on the ground for someone else for something else. And also this is a big experience. Of course. For your career. Stagecoach, so cool. And it's only 40 minutes, so I'm not nervous or anything. It's like, that's like eight songs since I'm talking.

You know, got it. In, out, in, in back, Indio, California, is it the same place? Or no, some of the place different. I think it's at the same place as Coachella. Is Coachella right now? Coachella's this weekend and the next weekend. Yeah. So this weekend's going to be great because all those weird people will be out of LA.

Yeah. Melissa at the Ridge is the same night as me and I'm going to try. You got to go come to her window, honey. I got to go watch Melissa. Yeah, you do. I love her so much. Maybe you just get everybody to migrate. It is also weird because I've been doing the EDM thing, DJing uh-huh and so it's weird to be like on this dj tour and be like all right i'll play my folk music festival in two weeks i know it's strange but listen you you um you do a lot of i

mean the auto harp i know i got a very different i want to play it there but it is such an endeavor because it's such a fragile instrument it's like 38 strings i feel like that's like a that's a 300 seater but if i'm not gonna play it well you play it it's hooked a fragile instrument. It's like 38 strings. I feel like that's like a, that's a 300 seater. But if I'm not going to play it, well, you play it. It's hooked up to a microphone. You can hear it.

I'm not going to play it at stagecoach. What am I going to play it? Cause I played on video games. Okay. You know what? Your little, um, cabaret residency off of a La Cienega.

Totally. Thursday, Friday, Saturdays. Yeah. I'm doing at the butter shop. Yeah. Eight and 10.

Yeah. Salt and straw. Can we talk about salt and straw? Friday, Saturdays. Yeah. I'm doing at the butter shop. Yeah. Eight and 10. Yeah. Salt and straw. Can we talk about salt and straw? Dracula flavors. Do you like your blue cheese, olive, your blue cheese, olive and sour cream? Garlic Parmesan with meat sauce ice cream. How about some lacquered wallpaper? Saab paint chips?

Exactly. I'm like, do you just have something normal? And they're like, we have vanilla. And I go, really? And they go like, we have vanilla. And I go, really? And they go, there's toenails on it. Yeah.

We have a great chocolate busted taillight. It's like, I know. So this is a raspberry ripple made from penguin blood. Yeah. Literally.

You're like, what? I dipped my own tampon in this one for you. Yeah. It's crazy. Mary, do what they're doing

down at Ben and Jerry. Do what they're doing down at Cold Stone Jerry. Do what they're doing down at Cold Stone Creamery. Cold Stone Creamery. Birthday Cake Remix? Hug & Dawes. Hug & Dawes. Yes. David's been buying these frozen ice cream snicker bars. How about them Fat Boys? You ever get into them

fucking Fat Boys? Fat Boy. I get into Fat Boys, but not what you're saying. These ice cream sandwiches are flipping the script on the whole game. I don't know what it is about these Fat boys, but not what you're saying. These ice cream sandwiches are, they're flipping the script on the whole game. I don't know what it is about these fat boys, but I'm gobbling them up and they're so delicious. And I think on that note. On that note, hey, have a fat boy. Have a fat boy.

Have a great time and be gay. Bye.