The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - A Special Holiday Sale for Garbage B*tches Only with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: December 27, 2022

As we make the annual trek back to our hometowns to visit family, consume desicated turkey, and meet gross Uncle Rich's 22-year-old girlfriend with a dead tooth, let us take a moment to reflect on the past year and all the wondrous gifts that it has bestowed upon us, including that holly berry-hued eczema that appeared out of nowhere. From everyone at Bald Headquarters here in beautiful Gomorrah, California, we wish you and yours a happy, healthy, and prosperous new year. PS - the new ointment for that eczema should arrive before New Year's Eve. To get 20% off your first order at MeUndies, free shipping, and a 100% satisfaction guarantee, go to: https://MeUndies.com/BALD This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Learn more about BetterHelp online therapy and save 10% off your first month at https://www.BetterHelp.com/BALD Start your credit journey with Chime. Sign up takes only two minutes and doesn’t affect your credit score. Get started at Chime.com/BALD Alexa customers can listen to New Moon by Brandy or Living Legend by John Legend on Alexa for free the entire month of December! Just say, “Alexa, read New Moon by Brandy…” or “Alexa, read Living Legend by John Legend.” Offer only available in the U.S. Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To pre-order your copy of our new book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Der nothing. I'm just going to address the elf in the room. We're sitting in the same place where my bed used to be where I've had sex with many, many, many men, including my boyfriend. Is that where all the two inches of crust on the ground is from? Yeah.

Well, you can tell the bed was here for a very long time yeah and this rug was blue but now it's an off white cream white girl well this is this i mean this is we're making do we're gonna make we're gonna use this room as a studio i would say as far as making do that makes it sound like country girls make do this is a nice little yeah well well i guess this gorgeous pied-a-terre will have to do oh all we can do is look out the hollywood sign darling it was horrible we had you to the podcast in the condo how are you living for the fantasy of being not just on tour but in your house sweetie darling when i tell you the way that i've been feeling, you will know how I feel.

It's sickening. It is sickening. Thank you, Brandon. For the straights listening, that means good. Yeah. Yeah. I am not ill, although I look very sickly. I am not.

It is sickening. I love it. I grew up with a time change. I've been getting up at a nice crisp 4 a.m. Are you serious? Yes. I can't not. Today I slept until 8.

It was a miracle. 8 a.m. Had to get good and drunk last night to do it but yeah you can take a little goofball we love to record we love to record we love podcasts we love to do pods but we do get copious notes sometimes of like hey can you not finger bang the microphone or like or like when the ad when i step in my ad reads hey can you um do what's on the page and also mention the product and maybe there's like people don't know like when you do an ad read there's a call to action there's a section where it is you have to basically verbatim read it and it's usually important stuff like the website yes but also there's a wildly there's a huge variation in the um graphic design of these uh instructions yeah where sometimes it's like comic stands stands in giant font and then like an asterisk

with like fine print and you're like what the fuck is going on here? Well the other reason is because people like us who do fun voices so I'll be like I'm a little garbage bitch.

And then I'm like What do I see when I intro it? Exactly. Wait who's the garbage bitch? I just love what I just did. Garbage bitch saves me money.

I'm a little garbage bitch. And I love to shop on Shopify. And if you're a garbage bitch. Go down to Gelson's and pick up a gallon of milk. We're having a holiday special on milk. Ketamine therapy can be great for garbage bitches. I told David Silver, I said, I think that since we now live in this palatial home, I think that it's time for me to have Brandon send you my list of dietary restrictions.

So Brandon helped me send him a little snack list. I said, these are the items I pretty much want in the fridge at all times. Well, you know, the fancy people, you know the security systems that are all remote? You can actually get, so in every entryway- You did it again. I'm so sorry, I keep fidgeting.

It's this. Oh, okay, so I'm just going to hold it like- When you're sucking cock, are you like... No hands. Ever. All teeth. Do you like to suck cock? I mean, for real. Like, does anyone? That is actually a really good question. I think I want to, and then it's happening, and I'm like, wrap it up.

I have to say I feel the same way. It's not because I'm lazy. I'm not lazy. Like I'm very active, full active life in the bedroom. But sometimes sucking dick and cock is corny and played out. It depends on the cock too.

It depends on the cock. Well, I mean, listen, if you have a micro and then you've got a huge giant King Kong dong. Well, two very different experiences. It's nice to go for a lovely walk. It's a different thing to run the marathon. Run a marathon, exactly. Nothing to hike Kilimanjaro.

The best is when someone wants their dick sucked and they have one of those fucking Pepsi can dicks. Where you're unhinging you feel your jaw crack your eyes are watering see then it's just it's all theater because you got to get you got both hands involved your shoulders and then it's like you're kind of just like skirting the issue you're just a part of it yeah yeah you're like licking it's not really going in your mouth because i am fascinated by the people who lie on the back head off the bed and then get throat fucked i'm like mama you should be in the olympics there's food i feel that way about where i'm like i wish i could take that i want to get used you need to go to the ivy lay on the table with your your uh your head back and be like i'll take my

ardures this way please did you go to the ivy a lot and when we're in the uk i've never been to the ivy it's a chain in the uk isn't there there? Not a chain, but there's more than one. I thought it was an exclusive like spa go they used to say in the 90s, like LA, like hotspot. I guess it's not.

Oh my God. Hi. It's Eden. Eden with the food. Speaking of, yeah. Should we, should I go there?

No, she said, I'm down here eating. I'm not coming in. Hi, I'm Eden. I'm Eden. I'm actually taking Eden out tonight.

Eden's going to dinner tonight. I know. That's so nice actually taking Eaton out tonight. Eaton's going to dinner tonight. I know. That's so nice of you. The cosmetics team and I are all going to dinner. But back to sucking dick and cock. Yeah, that's the thing. Do you like it? I do like it.

Like in a text of, in a sex message or like a grinder, I'm like, I want to suck your cock for hours. Maybe that's the problem. I over promise. I'm like, you just lay there. I'm going to do all the work, which is not how I ever feel about anything, including sucking cock. So who is this person? It's like, I get possessed by like, I want to service you. I don't even service my vehicle. You are like all the guys I've left for war and you're,

you're just ready to work and you're ready to do whatever it takes to help your country. I'm like a little hooker in like red, white and blue with a wet pussy outside of a bar going like Coming me baby, but then when I get there Two pumps in I'm like, oh are you moving in? What are you doing? This is moving too fast for me get out out out out. Yeah, I I it's Here's the funny thing. I don't love having, I don't love having my dick sucked.

Can we be honest? Let's be honest. I also don't care much for that. And so it's like, are we all pretending that we like to suck dick or want our dick sucked? Or we all make believing? No, no, no. I know people who will gobble on weenies. Like, and here's the other thing. I love to eat ass.

Love it. I mean, if I had to pick like top five favorite activities of earth, eating ass is one, one, two or three. So you feel much stronger about eating ass. Oh my God. I feel very strongly about sucking cock and I don't care that you ask much, but so wait,

but I'm saying I love to suck cock. I love to tour, but the problem is I go to hell sucking cock. I go to hell sucking cock. I got veneers so I could just be more reckless. These are rubber. I'm just kidding. They fold back.

They come out. I told you that my bass player thought that my teeth came out at night, right? That's fair though. Because, no, that's fair because Donchers, Denchers, Donchers? Well, it's an off-brand. When you can't afford Denchers, get Donchers. You go to Sandy Alley, go get Donchers. Wait, dentures, get dentures. Get dentures. Wait,

we got not to pivot. There's a new season of RuPaul's Drag Race. Oh, and there are twins called sugar and spice. And I'm Sarah. I'm sorry. I love good branding. Two twins named sugar and spice who do drag together.

Work. Oh, you're late. You're a congratulator. Their Instagrams are call me sugar. I think, and call me spice. Wow.

That is marketable. What about, um, it's, um, sweet, sweet and sweet and spicy. Yeah.

You know, those sick mean Queens, Sriracha and general sow. What the fuck did you just say? Wanton and hot and sour. I'm trying to, no, or, you know, ketchup and mustard. Those sickening queens.

Well, that's, what's her name? Tina Berger. She has the condiment, the condiment game on lock. No, but that's, they are fierce. And Fina actually brought them

to my attention because they're like on TikTok or whatever. Are they kicking shoes? Oh no, that's they are fierce and fina actually brought them to my attention because they're like on tiktok or whatever you know are they kicking shoes oh no i think they've they're like oh yeah they're kicking shoes they're doing a lot of like we're two boys no we're not yeah it's like oh my god i guess we're two hot dudes but wait uh we're sexy like you know co-ed yeah i mean great i i don't understand. Like, I'm actually, for the first time, pretty excited to see if they compete as a unit, which I know that's stupid. They won't, but.

I don't think they are. Did you get Burger King? Work, bitch. Well, it smells good, at least. I love, I don't care much for fast food, to be honest, but like a fast food milkshake. Right there, man. It is fierce.

Right there. And I did a lot of fast food When we were in the UK for a while For example what now? Like a late night like McPlant Because they have the veggie burger there McDonald's is always lines down the block McDonald's in the UK?

Why is it that Oh McDonald's Americans love McDonald's In the UK You would think it's fucking Buckingham Palace You think it's Black Friday It's crazy It's wild

It's crazy And it's like 30 of those screens where you order your own food yeah when at after clubbing mama good godspeed to you if you ever go friday saturday night after 1 2 a.m it is lord of the rings it is or lord of the flies or whatever lord of the dance yeah yeah um it is a free for all people are wild there's they're screaming they're fighting. You can't. It's just pandemonium. But in Poland, we went to, I was like, oh, okay.

Go to three restaurants. They're all booked up on an afternoon. Don't understand that. On a lovely gray afternoon. Yeah. Tuesday at 3 p.m. Oh, we have no, do you have a reservation? I'm like, what?

So we go to McDonald's. Packed. Have to go to another McDonald's. Packed. Crazy. Do you think that's like the culture of it's either sitting down planned meal or get in and get out, bitch? It's either reservations for goulash or you like duke it out at the McDonald's.

Yeah. But they also have better vegetarian options. I mean, there's more vegetarian food in general. It's a different restaurant. It's a totally different restaurant. McPlant. Yeah. McPlant?

It's called a McPlant. It's a plant-based burger. I don't love the name. But is it good? i mean it's a it's a fast food burger it's like chickpeas and shit no i think it's like sort of a tvp textured vegetable protein fuck okay wait sucking dick and cock one last thing uh-huh um i i'm very sensitive to teeth. Yeah. Very sensitive to teeth. And I find that it's an unflattering mouth shape you have to make in order to really get in there with no teeth. Like, you've got to. That is a really good point.

It is like, I mean, we own this. It's like, I mean, you really have to wrap those lips down and under. And then bite. Because, I mean, not bite. You want some friction. So there's got to be some be some like amount of pressure yeah so you're kind of exerting yeah and then it's like but this is gross i don't get too gross i love sloppy head okay it's like wet dripping no like with food no no yeah um do you know about the porn where it's it's sucking cock but it's the it cock, but the gag is the gag?

Gag the fag. Where the whole point of it is just someone on the verge of puking. Have you seen Gag the Fag? So Gag the Fag is a series of pornos where it's another queen on Drag Race. Sugar and Spice and Gag the Fag. Great drag name. Gag the Fag. Hi, I'm Gag and I'm a fag. Or Gag and Drag. Mean Bean. Gag and Fag. Great drag name. Gag. Gag the fag. Hi, I'm gag and I'm a fag.

Or gag and drag. Mean bean. Gag and fag. Okay. Anyways. So they, it is exactly what you described, but it gets to a level of, um, it's such a viscous, thick, almost, uh, puke like, uh, mucus. Yeah.

Where it is like, it's like ectoplasm. Well, that's the thing. It becomes, yeah. Cause it's not spit. It turns into, it's like ectoplasm well that's the thing it becomes yeah because it's not spit it turns into it's mama it's something darker it's something it's a placenta yeah yeah it's like um it's like gelatin looking for a path to accelerate your career? Clear direction for next-level success? In a place that is innovative and practical? A path to stay current and connected to industry?

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I wrote checks. Do you not normally write checks? No. You're online. I like writing checks because it feels fun. It makes me mentally feel like I did that. Yeah. Just hope, you know, put it in the hands of the post office.

I mean, yeah, but a lot of times it's like you want to pay your los angeles water department power and part do you know your password no i know i surely don't no i don't and i don't and i never did no and i never will today today our accountant said do you have a um irs uh pass account i said do you have no idea do you mr accountant i have no idea i have no idea i can't take it i went to our we pays my taxes? I have no idea. I have no idea. I went to our account. We have the same accountant. I went to his office today and I just had a stack of, what is this? What does this mean?

It was like a reverse tarot card reading. It was like, well, what is this? Well, this is a piece of paper. Taxes. I love and I sleep good knowing I pay them all and someone is in charge of making sure they're paid correctly and I go to sleep happy Sure living in the shadow of like I don't know how to pay my taxes I never have and I hope they never find me a lot of people live like that Yes, yes

however like I've Lived that lived like that for years and a lot of the drag queens back in Boston did too when you work for cash and Also, we didn't make a lot of money But I'm saying people who are on the books the government knows you're getting paid and you're not doing your taxes. Right, right. Just because you're like, even TurboTax.com, you're like, it's too much. Yeah, it is too much.

Yeah. I mean, I tried to hook up a soundbar to my TV and I started crying. Mary, every time, well, I guess now I don't watch movies in there, but every time I've had to sit down and try to turn that soundbar on, it's a Google journey. It's a deep dive. I got to go, bam. I got to go i gotta go bam i gotta go like a scavenger do it i need a cord that one that plugs into the bar and then into the tv and that's it i know so i'm gonna go get a new one i was looking online sennheiser ambio 2500 that's a scam bitch it's crazy the new house um has a i mean david went off on this bed it's a Casper and it's this huge, thick California king.

He bought, he tricked me into buying expensive sheets and pillows. I need to palpate these sheets. Honey? Because I looked on their website and I was like. I got up at midnight and I was like. No, no, no. Tell me exactly because I am deep in, like my connoisseurship or my exploratory whatever of the sheet world is deep and vicious. It's those, what are they called?

Brandon! Now, is it a linen? Is it a percal? Is it, like, what is it? Hey, Brandon. Gone. Mama, some of those duvet covers or those duvets, $2,000, $3,000. Well, and, I mean mean to be honest my sheets

here were probably from amazon they're probably twenty dollars yeah target sheets 25 bucks but now that i'm laying on sheets from a company that is their job is to make sheets yeah i'm like whoa your skin is not there not to be white trash i got in bed it was like it feels like a hotel you know what i mean because my bed my sheets sucked and hotels have nice sheets so i was like it feels like a hotel. I get back from tour and I'm happy to be in a hotel bed again. I'm like, wow. I love a hotel bed.

And the bedroom has one of those TVs that looks like a painting. Oh, wow. It's a magic eye. You have to squint to watch the TV. No. David Silver wakes up, immediately puts on Real Housewives of New York and just watches it in bed. Wow. Do you ever see the ones that have like, it's like a credenza or like at the foot of the bed with the thing that

comes out. Yeah. It's fierce. It's crazy. I don't like TV in the bed. I'm a hard no on that one. I don't like TVs in the bedroom period at the motel. David like fought me cause he wanted to do screens in the room.

I said, these should be no screen rooms. People are not coming here to watch TV in their room. Everybody has a computer, an iPad. They can watchflix on their phone in bed i watch netflix on my phone i would much rather you have a whole projector set than watch netflix on your phone in bed well i just i also i think like when you have a bedroom and you go to bed and there's just a huge tv on a dresser that's just that's why the the painting is fabulous especially if it's Thomas Kinkade The painting is sickening

So wait wait How does it work again? There's four of them Not in one room We really like to feel the sound We come to this place for magic It looks like a painting And when you turn it on it looks like a TV

Because it dims and it projects like based on the light in the room are you kidding it looks like a painting changes yeah it looks like a painting and depending on how bright or dark it is in the room it dims to like match the room fears and what's the sound what's the audio setup you got i mean we've only lived there three days so it's just the TV right now Oh okay okay We don't have Right now the living room is a couch and a TV We don't have chairs That's okay but you know what though Don't rush into that shit We're not rushing

Don't rush But Dave and I are feeling friction in our lives Because he's suggesting items that I believe are Old maiden type of furnitures No no no no no Oh Bill Gates type of furniture But here's the thing about that

You can meet in the that Trump Tower furnitures Well that's just a golden toilet But here's the thing though I am taking it very slowly with the furniture Because I want it for the rest of my life That's what David feels And it's true though If you can afford it

And you have a certain level of economic comfort Don't get cheap furniture No you're right don't do it and you know david was like why would you buy this house and fill it with cheap shit and i was just like well you're gonna get rid of it's gonna break or whatever but money is still money and i think frugality is virtuous and so it's a hard when he's like this is a three thousand dollar coffee table and i'm like mama no that's fine i'm still i'm telling you he got to you no no no no no no no no no no no no i um i spent a four thousand dollar couch that i have never one moment

regretted in my life i'm about to pay probably three thousand to have it upholstered because it's ugly wow but it's worth it i'm gonna have that couch forever and it is such an integral part of like my life at home. I bought a custom couch for that living room. And then we moved. So now I'm having to have it reupholstered. Oh, that's okay.

They said the frame was built and everything. And now they're like, we're just going to, I said, well, let's just pick out new fabric. It doesn't match this room. Yeah.

You know, get ready for that whopping price tag. Cause you will gag. I'm going to gag. It's, I don't know. Let's talk about, let's talk about something. Let's I'm going to gag. It's, I don't know. Let's talk about sucking cock again. Let's go back to sucking cock.

I just, I like used things. I like vintage or like thrifting. Absolutely. Goodwill, you know, like Mary, this is a $5 chair that I've had for about 10 years. I play guitar on it. I love it. It probably has bedbugs. It was five bucks.

I got it from a Goodwill. I love it. No, no, it's fine it's fine thrifting in los angeles vintage vintage in los angeles is tricky because they gouge they gouge if you go to salt lake city if you go to um anywhere else really kentucky yeah the thrifting can be fierce texas los angeles yeah off the chain insane's insane. Fairfax market. You like that broken dresser? It's haunted. It comes with a ghost and it's $30,000.

First dibs. You ever been on that fucking app? No. First dibs. I was like, oh my God, I love that chair. It's only 25 grand. I need second and third dibs. Cherish is the same way.

Yeah. Great stuff. Wonderful selection. But girl, please. I'm trying to buy some nice art though. There's this artist I like called Alex Gross. gross he buys they're called um not coffin paintings anyway they're cards old portraits victorian portrait oh sure and he mounts them and paints over them so it has like the face of some old victorian man and then he paints them to be homer simpson oh funny and

they're really small they're like cabinet cards They're like cabinet cards. They're like this big. But they're expensive, but I really want one. And they're only one of a kind. So I'm on the internet trying to find anybody who has one if they'll sell it to me. Here's the thing about this. This is where you can leverage

your celebrity though because we have so many artists who are fans of us. There's this, well, no, she's too expensive, but like I've, there are people who would like give you a deal that they, you know,

much, much cheaper than they would sell at the gallery where they show it. And you can have a one of a kind piece like for, you know, cheapish. Well, I found a painting on the internet, uh,

on Craigslist, the giant one. Yes. I got David to rent a U-Haul and David drove a U-Haul and we drove to Alhambra, California three days ago. He complained the whole time until we got there and it was amazing. It's huge. Is it framed? Yes. And it fit this, it's a wall this big. It fits the whole fucking wall.

That's so fierce. And it was, it sounds like a lot, but it's 500 bucks. $500 is nothing. But it's the size of a, it's huge. That should be 50,000. And then we went to Home Depot and bought the kit to mount it for a hundred pounds. Yeah. And mounted it. I can't believe we, it's only 500 dollars

because this guy was getting rid of it. That's so fierce. That's what I'm saying. I think buying all new shit is sort of like tacky and weird and cringe. Well, new shit's not good. The new furniture is not good. What things do you want new and what things do you want Second or third hand You know Sheets New

Yeah Everything else Vintage Used Whatever Because all the like Quality craftsman stuff Is like from the

20th century I mean yeah This place was built in 2006 It's constantly falling apart Yeah The house I moved into Is from the 1800s Yeah

1800s 1880s That's why there's ghosts in there well i haven't i haven't felt the presence no but you have the sight though so you're probably gonna see him soon i'm probably gonna see him soon yeah i hope they're naked i would love to get like i don't know the type of tv psychic where you touch someone and you go oh yeah yeah yeah oh you haven't done your laundry in three weeks or Or like, oh, did you just fart? Wait, you have diarrhea.

I have this psychic ability where I can tell if someone's farting because I can smell it. You have the uncanny ability to tell whether someone's burped in your face. Well, there's no way for me to forget about that. Should we talk about burping? No, I want to talkping No I want to talk about I want to talk about I just lost it Mother

Could I say Yeah I love talking to you When I don't see you Every day I know I know I know

I know Good things to talk about We have something You know what What have you done Since you've been back Though just exercise And hang out

So they're working on I have some fabulous people Redoing my backyard Like As we speak Tilling and gardening Yeah Oh yeah bitch

New grass New plants These plants are Out of this world Gone with the wind Are you gonna get a gardener I have a gardener Yeah you can't keep them alive

Oh no no no no no no Mama I'm not touching these plants Yeah We have irrigation Don't even look at them No I'm gonna look at them With binoculars From inside

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Okay, and we are back. So, Barbarian, I was a little late to the party and and when a lot of people are into this thing like different people with different tastes i'm kind of like whatever i'll get to it eventually watch it last night i loved it also mama that was me in that tunnel that was me the woman the witch yes well here's what i liked about it um it starts you think oh this is i love the structure of it you think The witch woman? Yes. Well, here's what I liked about it. It starts, you think, oh, this is going to be- I love the structure of it. You think it's going to be about this woman who's double booked on an Airbnb, which I

guess could happen. Yeah. Interesting premise. Yeah. And also because that actor is widely known as playing Pennywise, you sort of think, oh, he's going to be evil. I had no idea. That's Pennywise.

Oh my God. Skarsgård brother. So they put all that human makeup over his weird white skin they could have just got you i was there i was no idea i was down a drain killing kids i had no idea yeah that's him so good actor so you sort of think oh this is gonna be this woman's gonna find herself endangered and then it when it shifts to justin long who i love by the way, it loved me everything what a baguette Fierce so funny. He was like with a he says but there is so many parts that movie

There's a part where he's on the computer and he goes hell. Yeah, bitch. He's alone talking to himself He goes heck. Yeah, bitch. He is so funny And also they play him like in the beginning you're like well not spoiler you think like oh he he's being framed for me tooing and then he gets drunk at that bar and he's talking about it like she wanted it she said no but she wanted it and then you're like oh he yeah they try to set you up like maybe he didn't do it and then you're like oh it seems like he did and he's not in touch with what that really means yeah yeah he was, yeah. He was a very well-drawn douchey rapist character. But you still kind of feel bad for him. You feel like you did that wrong.

That's horrible. And you feel almost like a child. You don't even know how fucked up you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He thinks he's a victim. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And especially with the drunk phone call. It's like, hey.

I was like, oh, God. It was like, oh, I know this guy, unfortunately. Yeah. Yeah. That woman, that giant woman. a girl you know when i knew you were gonna love that movie when she bashed that motherfucker's head against the wall no the bottle the tit of the titties with the hair on this titty in that bottle suck on this titty bitch she wants you to be her baby mama mary that room with the mattress and just the baby VHSes, when she was like, I thought I was like, I got to call Fina right away. Yeah.

And also not to be dumb. I didn't even know until they plainly spelled it out for me that we were jumping timelines. I was like, that looks like that neighborhood, but it's different. You didn't tell the Reagan on the radio? I don't. Well, you know what that made me think of? What? Watchmen.

But then I was like, I was like, anything 80s is Watchmen. But I was like, oh, it's, because I thought, oh, maybe this is like a weird other dimension where it's the same street, but nice. Sure, sure, sure. I mean, it was, it was fierce. Like, I mean, a little unbelievable, especially driving, but when getting into that neighborhood at night and then in the morning when she gets out of the house and looks around and realizes where she is, I would have packed my shit and gone.

Well. Do you know what I mean? I loved, and this is like kind of the scariest part. It looks like they mounted the camera in the car to watch him stalk that woman, follow her home from the grocery store. Oh, that was real tough. It was like, whoa, this is real. Men do this. So how many generations of incest babies produce that fierce diva?

Which one of my siblings are you talking? No, because you know Some people they want their there's areas of the world that aren't that populated where people don't necessarily move away. England? Yes. I didn't want to say it. I didn't want to say it. Sometimes they try to move away and conquer other countries. Honey, if you wake up and you're putting baked beans on toast,

it's because your mom and your dad were brother and sister, bitch. We got to stop dragging England. They're too through with us. They're too through. They've suffered enough. They had to watch us. There was a lot of great little moments. I loved the structure of it because

my attention span is so down to the nub these days. But I loved the vignettes that were all very compelling and had a nice structure. And then in the first bit where the guy's chasing her, like, don't go in there! He's chasing after her, trying to save her. To save her. Mary Duganan i didn't really get chilling chilling um but then it was fierce

when he's like uh are you sure she's not gonna come here i've been here 15 years and then she comes rips his arm off and beats him to death with it honey crazy i love a jab a thumb in the eye jab that was really insane yeah that was funny though because his like any any um sympathy you might have had for justin long's character was out the window when he pushed that bitch off the fucking um tower at the end i know but it's consistent i wouldn't have believed that he had some magical oh no no no no yeah of course i love weird mom horror like that do you remember the movie ma do i remember the movie ma but also not Ma because it's not a mom movie. But do you remember Mama?

How about Mother? I've not seen Mother. How about Throw Mama from the Train? Wait, do you remember Mama? Where it's like those two kids who are in the forest who were raised by like a ghost of a woman. Remember that? Like two feral children. Oh, no.

I'm thinking about the one where they don't know if their mom is real. I think it was like a Danish. I don't, I forget. I'll have to look it up. It's fabulous. No, but you know what I fucking

think about too? The visit, honey. Where those two kids go to see their grandparents. I still haven't seen that. The premise sounds so compelling. Don't tell me anything.

I won't tell you anything. I'll tell you this. What? It's kind of, um, it was Agatha all along. What's her name? Oh,

uh, Catherine Hahn. Yes, honey. Fierce Tina. Yes, honey. Yes, honey. And you didn't like the menu. this what it's kind of um it was agatha all along what's her name oh uh catherine han yes honey fierce tina yes honey yes honey and you didn't like the menu you it was you know what that chef was amazing that performance was so beautiful um and i hung chow eight girl hung chow and anything anything mary did you see downsizing no i'm gonna watch that did we talk about this yeah because yeah i I wanna see it just for her Downsizing Yeah

Hong Chow and Downsizing Eats Eats Hilarious Crying So good And they really I feel like that movie

Was marketed as like a comedy Like a Honey I Shrunk the Kids Yeah and it's not It's pretty like Existential meaning of life shit At 19 I graduated from MIT At 22

I bought it Lady True Don't make me talk about Watchmen again We have to move out of darkness At 19, I graduated from MIT. At 22, I bought it. Lady True. Don't make me talk about Watchmen again. We have to move out of darkness, okay? We have to move away from the light. When she's like, oh shit, and those frozen squid are just tearing her up. I read every consumable piece of media out there

about Watchmen. You're just in the podcast? Yeah, I listen to all of it. Well, here's the thing. Damon Lindelof or something, the guy who, The Showrunner, he did Chernobyl on HBO. It has an accompanying podcast. And Lost. Yes.

And The Leftovers. Yes, you have. I tried to get into The Leftovers. I've not seen any of these shows. Lost is a whole, don't even bother, but gripping, suspenseful. It was a cultural moment, water cooler talk, all that stuff. I'm not very smart, though, and I like to watch Super Nanny. I watched a lot of Super Nanny the last couple weeks.

You've got to watch Chernobyl because the way they do it is so incredible. It's so – Is it sad? Are you kidding? It's devastating. Is it funny? Well, you see people's flesh literally melt off their body. And that's hard.

Yeah. But it's cool because they made an interesting choice where it all takes place in the Soviet Union. But all the actors are British and they just use British accents. Wow. So they're not like, oh, we must check the general history because we have to do this. Like they don't do the phony Russian accents. Interesting. It's very effective.

There's a Superman comic that I became aware of Called Red Sun And it's about An alternate history Where Superman landed in Russia Instead of America Ooh That's fun And he's like

You know The champion of the world there I gotta read it Zupa man Zupa man You like the man Zupa Or Zupa Zupa What else

What else Oh I watched Life After Beth I don't know what that is It's like a zombie movie With Aubrey Plaza. She dead? She dies?

Yeah, it was all right. She's amazing, but kind of a snooze. What have I been watching? I watched Uncle Buck yesterday while I was doing my mail taxes and stuff. Such a great movie. He is so funny, John Candy. John Candy, he's so great. Did you see Delirious where he plays a soap opera writer?

No. Oh, my God. It's so great. It's so good in did you see delirious where he plays a soap opera writer no oh my god it's so great it's so so great well it's uh John Candy and Macaulay Culkin pre-Home Alone he's like four years old in it Macaulay Culkin is in that and Uncle Buck yeah it's sickening wow so fucking funny would you fuck John Candy I would uh no I would want him like I want him to be like my dad or my uncle, Uncle Bug. You know, he's like, you wish he was in your family. You don't want to play suck and fuck with Uncle Bug? Do you, isn't he in Home Alone 2? Do you remember in Home Alone 2 when she's like hitchhiking to get to New York? She?

The mom, like hitchhikes to get in New York. I don't remember. I don't remember. And she rides in the back of like a trailer with a band, a polka band. He's in the polka band. She hitchhikes because isn't there an upper middle class family? Yeah,

but the family's in Florida and it's like raining and there's no flights. Remember with the monsoons? Oh, right, right, right, right. Different times. Different times. Yeah.

You know, I saw a printout. A printout. What is a printout? I saw a tweet. A printout? A printout. I saw a leaflet on the street.

You know, now, because I don't want to be a supporter of Elon Musk, I just print out my thoughts and hand them out. And if you're lucky to get one, good for you. So if you're, yeah, Hollywood and Vine from three to six, I'll be there tweeting. They said they listed the number of new drag race shows this year, including all the countries and all the all-star. How many? It's something like 15. wow it's like two seasons of drag race in one year and all-stars a global all-stars uk germany france it'll like well we're catching up because here think about this sports sports

there's four different golf channels or more at any given time there's like a million NCAA sports, you know, college sports, huge professional sports. I mean, of every sport. There's so many things to watch sport wise on TV all the time. People are like sitting home between golf channels, like trying to watch two golf games. Mama, they're sitting at home. They got fantasy leagues. Fantasy golf. Fantasy everything.

Why is it called fantasy? Because it's not real. And so these aren't real players? No, no, no, no. So like fantasy football is you compile a team and it's based on their performance in the real world. But your compilation of players. So you can have like Becky from the Dolphins and like Roger from.

Yeah, also fantasy drag race. You say like, okay, I got Naomi Smalls. People do fantasy drag race? Of course they do, I get Naomi Smalls. People do fantasy. Of course they do. Well, I don't know if it works the same way, but you know. Oh, do people, people do like bedding pools with drag race. So like a bunch of fags who are like sitting home getting mad watching it. Yeah.

And then they death threats to your house. Cause you didn't win the wig ball. You didn't sweep at the wig ball. I lost the keys to my course. Yeah. That hunty cost me the mortgage. Yeah. No, I wish you could have sweep at the wig ball diva so i lost the keys to my corsica that hunty cost me the mortgage yeah no i wish you could have been at um hunter's house with me andrew joseph and like 10 other gay guys we watched one of season 11 or something the amount of vitriol

it was like the worst night at the sports bar screaming screaming at the television yeah like fuck you whore you dumb bitch worthless whore kill yourself wow it was like actually we all had to be like okay maybe we should maybe we should down because you know because like drag is cool because joseph's straight brother was there that's like he's gonna have the worst impression of gay people somebody somebody i i'm like conservative now when it comes to supporting drag because i'm so burned out from your MAGA Yeah, somebody today asked if I would go to a drag brunch this weekend. I said absolutely not Yeah, I had a waterboarding that day. Yeah. Well, we talked about this when we go to drag things now That performer could be setting herself on fire and people are staring at us. It feels rude. Yeah feels rude

Okay there in certain context, especially like, you know during the day at a during the day at a brunch, I don't want any attention on me. As an audience member, I never want any attention on me. Cirque du Soleil, don't come and pick me up. No. Don't come and fondle me. I hate that shit. Girl, when we were at Chicago, I said- Cabaret.

Cabaret. Cabaret. When we were at Cabaret, the dancers come up before the show and they're doing little wiggles. And I said, please don't come up to me. Like, please don't come up to me. I think I would have said like, I know like you're, you're, this is like your thing, but like, I can't be a part of this and you have to go to someone else now.

Yeah. And I also, I'm not a huge fan. I mean, they're all amazing. They're amazing. But Cirque du Soleil does this notoriously where like, you know, they're doing, they're doing bits and characters and I'm like I know like you're hot and talented Don't do all that you know what I mean

Like don't do this like just put on the hula hoop Mary You know put on a little tiara on the hula hoop Put your thong on and suck off that bear Suck cock suck a duck Suck a dolphin's duck cock And just move on you know Suck a dolphin's duck cock And keep stepping

Get on your little unicycle with a dildo sticking out of it And just move on. You know, suck a dolphin's duck cock. And keep stepping. And keep stepping, honey. Get on your little unicycle with a dildo sticking out of it. And put it in your glass eye. And tell him to hit the track. Okay, bitch. Okay, bitch. Get on your unicycle with a dildo sticking out of it. You've seen humanity.

Do your little skin peel. Do your little chemical peel. Do a chemical peel. Do a chemical peel. Fill in your eyebrows. Get out of it. You've seen Zemanity? Do your little skin peel. Do your little chemical peel. Do a chemical peel? Do a chemical peel. Fill in your eyebrows. Get out the yarn. Do the cat's cradle and go home. Okay, bitch.

I don't know if it's obvious that I've never been to Circus. I was like, what? My God. Have you been to Zemanity ever? No. Mama, you got to go. The sexy one. You and I performed at that theater.

We sure did. It's like the bean shaped theater Yes Beautiful Mama There's a drag queen in that Isn't there It's usually hosted by a drag queen

First it was Joey Arias That's when I saw it Oh wow Then it was Edie From New York Incredible And that For a while

That was actually my dream gig Because obviously You should do it Well Mama No Why A

I don't think I Not pretty, I don't think I... Not pretty enough? I don't think I could pull it off. B, too much work. C, not pretty enough. Yeah, mostly not pretty. Way too fat, not pretty, not talented. But it's hard.

It's a hard job. And Joey did it so well. He was like, because I saw it early. Those shows like really evolve. When they premiere, they're notoriously not ready. But when I saw it in the first like couple months, he was like because i saw it early those shows like really evolve when they premiere they're notoriously not ready um but when i started in the first like couple months he was sensational yeah sensational um but uh mary the voice too do you think he did he didn't i don't think he did the billy holiday thing which is a bummer because it's so incredible it really like you close your eyes it's fucked up it's crazy it's fucked up it's wild he looks like the crypt keeper well do you know what do you know what jimmy james jimmy james no jimmy james is that

artist who's famous for doing maryland oh that's right he's a live singer and so he would do maryland he looked so much like maryland and sounded so much like maryland that photo portraits of him would get cease and desist from the maryland estate and he would have to be like this isn't you and they'd be like oh yeah so it's gonna happen with me and Landon no it's gonna happen yeah that what happened to me and Sharon Stone from my basic instinct shoot so yeah she could sing she can sing um do you know you know thirsty Burlington oh yeah I love the share she's so fat to share but yeah she is so wild and she sounds like Cher Cher. Yeah, she's amazing. She's amazing.

And you know, she never breaks character. One summer I lived in Provincetown with Diana Coney, my old manager. How do people in Provincetown not break character? Girl. Mama, it's weird. It's eerie. It's corny, tired, and played out. I walk up to Dina Martina and I go, how's your day going?

She's like, it's great. You're like, I'm like, okay, girl. Like, we're outside in the sunlight. But she never breaks ever um it's great i'm gonna joe do my show okay um did you talk to jerry so uh but uh i lived with diana and you know i was doing four shows a week doing my thing i was it was between it was during i think right after all stars, it was hard. It was a hard season. And she would come over. Who?

Dina. Thirsty. Oh, thirsty. Come over after the gigs. Yeah. And it was like house party. She would come over as Cher in the Cher outfit, never break character. And Diana would call her Cher all the time.

She'd be like, well, Cher is going to come over and we're just going to hang out. And they would put on Cher music and sing, just be Cher all night. And I wake up like, I come home from my gig, like a little hung, like a little tired. And I'd walk in and Cher would be Cher all night. And I wake up like, I come home from my gig like a little tired and I'd walk in and Cher would be in there like, just like Jimmy James. What if she started crying

because her husband died in a skiing accident? That would be so strange. She's doing a deep study. Yeah. Cher's mom died. Oh, I know. But 96 had a good run.

Or 97. Yeah. It's, I mean, she looked great. You give birth to Cher, you're probably going to look pretty good in a dress you know yeah you get you uh get birthed by share what do you think's gonna happen when your parents die let's take a break you know, let's say,

I'm not asking, what do you think is going to, I'm saying, do you think your mom is going to heaven? Or do you think your father's going to hell? Because if you don't love God, you're going to be burned for eternity. A burnity is what we call it around hell,

actually. What do you think is going to happen when your parents die let's take a break i guess what i meant is you know share tweeted like i can't sleep and i was like i think it is there's no way to prepare for that right i mean we've had people die recently um you know leslie died and uh a guy did a duet with a couple years ago just died and it's weird when people die it's but i think when your parent dies it's got to be very displacing well i mean all it depends on how context i mean it's it's when if they die in a car crash next week it's going to be very different story from my mom's sick she's gone into hospice yada yada yada there's a progression that's probably more

common yeah like my grandmother i mean it, it is chilling to like, um, you know, when I, when I visited my maternal grandmother in the hospital, um, I got a little prep, like my mom was like, just so you know, she's not looking great. And I'm so glad she did that because when I went into there, it was like, she looked like a corpse. Yeah. It was so shocking. So shocking. And she was always like, you know, a person who never like,

she was always cheerful, energetic. She slept put together one leg on the floor. She never really fully went to bed. Well, yeah, it's hereditary. Constant vigilance.

But anyways, she was, it was like, Oh, this person is on death's door. And it was really sad. But when my, If my mom goes If she went prematurely

Mama Here go hell come Yeah It's gonna be It's probably the It's probably the saddest thing I could ever imagine My dad

Eh I'm just kidding No Both of them would be horrible Yeah Horrible But it happens Yeah

That's what I'm saying I think no amount No amount of like nothing will prepare you for it so you can't really think about it you know i would grieve and i think i would grieve in like the probably the it would be the the a tragedy that i could deal with pretty graciously or gracefully because i love them and they know i love them and we appreciate each other every day and we all know that everybody dies do you know something about is horrible, but people don't realize nobody can fill in for us. If you and I were on a tour in Australia and someone in our family dies, can we just leave

the tour in the middle? No, Landon won't come. Oh, perfect. And who do we get to play you? Ellen Barkin, if she's available. But you know, I've had family funerals where I can't go because- Indispensable. Yeah, because so many people work because of us if I just cancel the

Mean what am I so the amount of money like if my mom died? On a tour and I wanted to cancel two weeks of shows. So I'm choosing to go Tens of hundreds of thousands of dollars into debt because when you cancel a venue venues make you pay back like tenfold Yeah, it could be crazy but so with that way if God willing if that would happen I I'd be like, I would go to your dressing room and be like, I'm so sorry, but you're late for the meet and greet. Let's shake a tail. I know.

I'm just kidding. Well, like I remember when my grandpa died, I went home the week before the funeral and the week after because I was also like, well, everybody comes for the funeral. People probably need help the week before. Yeah. I think there's, it depends on like what needs to, the logistics. Because like sitting Shiva for seven days is something I'm not going to do because I'm not Jewish. I don't, you know what I mean?

But like. What is that? It's when you. You put on a. You change your name to shit. No, you don't. You don't sit in Shiva. You don't change your name to shit?

Shiva. You change your name to Shiva? And then you sit for seven days. You're lying to me. You sit Shiva. It's a grieving process that then you sit for seven days. You're lying to me you sit Shiva It's it's a grieving process that Jewish people do seven days everyone. You never heard about this sitting Shiva Yeah, well anyways well, we'll look at Jewish, but he's alive. Okay. He hasn't had anybody die close to him

We have it in the mean not really. No, it's fierce. It's a very concierge to have people die No, it's it's a fierce form of grieving because I mean, I'm I don't can't say from what do You sit like like what's the pose? Um, you said like we start like that It's like a navel. Yeah And they do like a reclined and then upright. No you it people come food. It's a concentrated intense form of grieving and I think some people think that it's like you kind of You kind of get out of it's it's cathartic and you get out of your system in a way hereditary or um not hereditary uh midsummer seven days yeah vocal cords gone i

managed to close the door um i i think i don't know in at least like ojibwe what we would do is you're supposed to grieve the hardest in like the days around the funeral because you're supposed to like it's a form of respect. And also it's like a way of purging the grief. Like you're supposed to go in. Korean funeral wailing. Who cares the most? Who has the highest wail? Wow.

I mean, well, there's like when the dictator would die, you know, people are so brainwashed. Like it's performative. Right. Like when, you know, the grand leader is like people you know just throngs of people screaming their lungs out pretty wild but for who for that person's not impressed because they're gone oh no it's for the spectacle of a it's a patriotic spectacle interesting but mary everybody dies it's the only thing we all do it's the only thing we all do i know my mom i was a kid obsessed with death i I used to always be like, I'm going to probably a few times a year.

I would get really sad as a kid. I'd be like, mom, someday you're going to die. You know, she's like, yeah, and I can't wait. No, she was like, what are you going to do if you die? And she would be like, it's as natural as being born. It's more natural than being born because not everybody's born. No, I mean, people are born through cesarean section, forced birth, painful, horrible, you know, like left in a dumpster.

You know what I mean? So many different conditions. And we all, of course, die in the same way, or die in different conditions. But you're just, you're going, I mean, it doesn't happen. Birth is crazier. Because I watch a lot of home birth TikToks. I watch a lot of home birth TikToks. I didn't know how many people do it and in the water well they already have kids and the kids don't really know what's going on

so you'll hear like cocomelon on the tv and you'll hear the kids being like i'm a little baby and then you see the mom in yoga clothes hanging over a bed being like and the kids are like mommy mommy, I want a sandwich. Like they don't understand that she's going through. And then the husband's in the corner with like a bottle of water. Like, baby, you're doing great. You were made for this. You're a champion.

What about midwife? Is the midwife there? Sometimes. Because usually it's a kiddie pool in the living room. And the birth song is like Guns N' Roses, Sweet Child O' Mine. Yeah. And it's a little birth. I'm not making fun of it.

It's crazy. I mean, I'm sure there's different versions of it too like the gwyneth paltrow goop version is probably like a cedar tub right salt water or whatever and if you're already home and let's say you have no pre-existing health conditions and you're in a hot bath of water and i mean it feels more dangerous that you're not near doctors to me. Yeah. But I mean, it depends. Like my nephew's birth was and the pregnancy was fraught with horrible medical difficulties. And, you know, I mean, if she I think she if my sister-in-law gave birth at home, mama, that would have been a rattle on all of them. Well, and there's not like a lot of filming of births. There needs to be more birth surveillance.

But I'm saying these people sharing their home births. I'm like, oh, my God, the pain. Oh, my God, the screaming. Oh, my God, the pain. Oh my God, the screaming. Oh my God, the blood. I watched so many of them and I was like, this doesn't seem like even at a doctor, if it's scary and crazy, even at a doctor, it's just scary and crazy. There's shit flying everywhere. There's shit flying everywhere.

Everywhere. I saw a video of a woman. She was, you know, in a kind of like a dog, downward dog, like, you know, with the pain pushing and kind of like, and then poop started coming out and her husband, Gerald or whoever rumps runs in with a kid's diaper a clean kid's diaper and scoops up her poop yeah while she's pooping and then the other kids it must have been like a really earthy family the other kids are naked no they're naked oh and they're in bed just like mommy are you okay and she's like i'm fine but she's like screaming and i'm like if you're a kid and you don't know what birth is if you're watching watching a birth, is it illuminating or are you like, holy fuck?

I mean, I saw it. I saw it like a video of the like a tight shot on the vaginal opening, you know, tearing as the baby came out. And I was like, the way that I would have the only C-section. Take the leg. The only C-section. Take the leg. Take both of them.

Take the leg and beat me to death with it. Mama. Anyway. It could leg. Take both of them. Take the leg and beat me to death with it. Mama. Anyway. I could never be, I could never have all that hardware because the first time I got my period, any cramps, I would have been like, hysterectomy. My doctor would be like, can't do that. I'd be like, okay, I'm going to kill myself. It's horrible, people.

Every month, Mary? I know. Every month? I know. Women just deal with it. And they just have to deal with it And they have to deal with the public shame and not and not having tampons readily available falling from the sky Which they should and they're like well, it's this well, I should plan for nausea this day And the next day I should plan for not doing anything physical. Yeah, I can't wear my white jeans

Some people have these extreme cycles where they have insane pain. What is it? Endometriosis. Yeah where people have like extreme regular where they have insane pain. What is it? Endometriosis? Yeah. Where people have like extreme regular pain. Like two to three days or four to five days a month or more. Incredible, like debilitating cramps and discomfort. If I get body wash in my urethra, I'm like, I should kill myself. I had a paper cut while I was doing my makeup. I was like, I don't think I should do the show tonight.

I know. It's fucking wild. I don't have a high pain tolerance. I really don't. No shit, man. I have a high discomfort tolerance. Oh, see, I don't have that drag. Yeah. We're running like a small, a small amount of discomfort for, I can do that real pain or illness. If I get a cold, I'm like, David, I think you should stay home today. You should just sit in here and look at me Yeah we need to find Get the notary over here We need to draft this will

Speaking of We should talk about that soon The dying Last will and testament Our accountant today was like You need to get your will together No I know I said what do you know that I don't

Who have you been talking to No I know I have mine on a notes app And apparently that is not legal tender It's not legal No It's not a legal document Yeah

I know because you never know And listen I'm not trying to be morbid But like The chances of us dying on that bus Were very high You think Yes

Think of it I mean The driver was fierce What are the chances of you dying If we leave you at home They're greater or equal to that But I mean like But it's just

I'm saying like There's just many chances And also The bus Mary But the private plane with the private plane I'm when that private plane but it wouldn't shut up and it was a normal plane. I was like great Yeah, well, you know the small planes are scary. I think we'd be like a kiddie pool with wings on it or something What if we went through all that trouble to book a private jet and then they just took two of us and left everyone else

That would be funny But no seriously like getting into a car in my neighborhood It's just a death race 2000 every day. Yeah. Oh, my God. No, but we can't talk about cars in Los Angeles. That's a whole nother conversation. The driving here on the highway weaving.

No. 90 miles per hour. No. No. Merging at 120 miles per hour onto the 101 into the fourth lane to the left. Crazy. It's so fucking passing between cars. It's so wild. It's between cars. It's so wild.

It's so wild. I've never been on a freeway where it's like, okay, I got to go 70. Now I'm ground to a halt. And then I got to, it's like so bizarre. I know. It's really, really dangerous. And plus people are texting Mary. They're doing TikToks.

They're dying their hair. They're like, it's crazy. They're on offer up. Or was it first? Cherished. They're on cherished. They're on first dibs. Looking at limbs. Oh

I Guess oh That's it. Oh, hi. We we do have to think of a slightly more organic way to wind down Okay, well we have only about a minute to do it. Well, thank you so much for joining us Thank you for joining us. By the way, we're thinking of doing a gallery wall of fan art here Let me know if you think that's cool. Yeah. I don't know. And are you guys LGBT? Y'all LGBT.

Don't make me drink alone. Bye.