The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - All Friendship is Valid

Episode Date: September 1, 2026

If we were to distill this episode into a single thesis statement, it would be the argument that friendship resides not merely in affection or proximity, but in the reciprocal recognition through which separate consciousnesses become eloquently entangled. By destroying past hierarchies of intimacy, we endeavor to redefine friendship as an existential and somewhat magical coherence between two individuals. Ultimately, friendship emerges as a profound act of allowing another consciousness to partially inhabit one’s own, primarily via stories about P-Town and descriptions of one's sexy white short-shorts. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

I'm erect. Why aren't you? If you guys want to know what era we're in with this pod, we're at the era of calling each other before 9 a.m. and saying, I'm so excited to go film later. She said to me, she said, what have you been up to? I said, we can't talk about it. I said, when we're on the phone together, but we have to do the pod,

we talk about the most out-of-pocket vile shit because it's like stuff we would never really say. So it's like weird sex shit, weird personal grievances, weird, like... UFOs. Yes, anything. And then we come here and we're like, gow. Hey

Tutsi I gotta tell you something that's gonna start the day off Okay Really right Wait first let's get into a stim Okay When I say

Hey you say I will Said 9-11 That's perfect You know what about some red and blue I don't want to say that We need to ever forget 9-11 No

But I'm saying People whose birthdays People whose wedding anniversary Ginger Pearl It's okay to make a little bit of room For the joy Ginger and Pearl. Who got married?

Ginger and Pearl's birthdays on 9-11. They both are? Yes. And that's what I mean. If you have a birthday that day, do you feel corny boots? No, you feel grateful to be alive. You say,

911, I have an emergency. I also say, if you're born on Christmas, you crawl back in that pussy and you wait. You do, you say Mother Mary. Just wait. Imagine all your siblings who are getting birthday,

are getting Christmas presents, and then you get one extra present, and your mom maybe wraps it different as like, this is for her, because it's her. birthday. It's not going to be anything compared to Christmas.

Your siblings are like, who cares? I got an erector set. Fuck you. Like, they don't care. It's horrible to be born on Christmas. Quon 11. Quenza. What other ones would be horrible? Valentine's Day. Oh. Yeah. Halloween could be fun. Well, Halloween is a blast. But the great thing about being born on Halloween is instead of you having to throw a party,

you will get to dress up and seal your friends. Yeah. And you could dress up as yourself and say, I'm a serial killer. If you're born on Halloween or do you have the right to dry not dress up at all? Of course. You're like, this is... It's more day. It's from Dune. You have more than one birthright boy.

Right. You know. Right. Let's take a break. Is that too quick? Is that too quick? It's too quick. It's almost a little...

I got to some stuff. Oh, whoa. Whoa. I know. You know, we wanted to do blue and red glasses, but I can't see. Can we take these off? Yeah. Let's do it.

One, two, three. Wow. What if I did? I'm just cross-eyed. What if my eyes weren't even there? What if my eyes weren't even there? So blue eye. Two mouths.

No, no, no. Boop, no. I have to tell you a lot of shit. Me too. I'm right there with you. I've been out of town. Can I tell you? You tried to call me almost every day on my vacation.

No, no, no, no, no. I did call you every day. I know. I know. And I accidentally turned. I was doing an ad with Nick last week. And he told me to do to turn my do not to stirb on so we could screen record. Never turned it back off.

I had this long week of peace. inner piece and I was like, I go, now I'm an angry, now my ball circle of life. And then I was like, oh, you said, do not disturb. But do not disturb. Do not disturb. When that hits, when that do not disturb hits, when that no calls for days. When that disturbed drops. You call me three or four times a day of me not answering.

It's always like, remix. It's almost too sweet. What? There's an air pod. Have you not been listening to me this whole? Who are you talking to? Oh, Jane. Jane, Jane, cut that.

Tatiana, I got to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, so, okay. Did you want to take them off or? Not quite yet, because I have to tell you something. And this is, I, I, I've never been more, I've never, malibed more than ever. I have, tupped, and tapped and turned on. Right.

So I have. You're on the opposite of Do not disturb. I was like, do, do, do disturb. I'm on the do, do disturb grip. I mean, that good old grip. First, gel manicure. I know. Did you get a new one?

Yeah. Last night. Oh, wow. Because it starts to grow out. Yeah. Well, you can see my, when did you see my grippers in the next episode,

once you catch a peepers on these grippers I got on the toe side, it's going to be hammer toe. Hammer time. I live for this black gel on you. Me too. And it was courtesy of Vietnamese

woman named Nah. Nah? Yeah. Yeah. Her name is nah. It's like, Nana, but nah. It's like you want to go

yes or no, nah. I have a one syllable name. Oh, yeah. Let's not fuck around. Let's not fuck around. It's like... Your name is Stephanie.

I just burn five calories saying your name. What about Gretchen, Felker Martin. What about Bartholomew? What about Manishabets Guberman? Right. Jessica. Christopher Colombo. Yeah, it's too much.

Everybody should be... Nah. Yeah. Anything one... Ann? Yeah. Bob. Bob. Or even Ba. Ba. So she taught me some... She taught me Vietnamese last night while we were... She was, I was fall asleep, but the nail shop because it was 8.30. Mom, I woke up at 5 today. Oh! So she was like, she loves me.

Because I listen. And I... And I love... I love... listening to her because everybody's on their phone you know what I mean everybody and I get it I get I get I know why everybody's on their phone I'm not stupid I get why everybody's on their phone because everybody is bored and overstimulated I'm not a not a not a salon I would have a spa environment I would say you will get your phones back at the end of the day you're allowed to have an Apple watch and maybe your headphones in but you have to come up and tell me what channel to put on we're not doing say it again

girl say it again go say it's not real also I can't scroll when I have one hand up here and my other one is up my so Courtney loves as if she spends more than 10 minutes. Well, Madonna said this. If you spend more than 10 minutes on Instagram, she's like, I'm depressed. If I'm on Instagram school, I'm more than 10 minutes, I'm depressed. Say it again, gal. So, Naa taught me how to say, Dong Ma! Which means fuck. And so, Vietnamese,

like, Chinese is a tonal language. Let's hear. And so, when you, when an American person tries to mimic the tone of a foreign language, like, an Asian language, like, Chinese, like, say Mandarin or Vietnamese, it sounds like we're trying to make fun of them, because we have a deep

racial history or bias of, of, a doing that accent, right? So, but I make her laugh when I try. So when she's teaching me how to count from one to ten in Vietnamese, she's laughing hysterically at me. Who are you to, I mean, in HBO's Watchman, I'll say it.

Oh my God. Oh, my God. Angela and Lady True both speak Vietnamese. Is that the language? Yes. Angel is from Vietnam. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they speak Vietnamese in the show.

Yeah. It's just a cool language. I like to listen to. it, I will say that when I'm watching it, I'm maybe to myself try to copy what they just said because it sounds something I would like to try to say. Can't do it. Hard to say. So can I show you?

Yes. Tom Ma. And she helped you with that. Yeah. I mean, I can't qualify that. No, no, no, no. I'm not, I'm just asking you to try to mimic me as a as a person with such a trained ear. Right. So, don't ma. Dongma. Dong ma. Don ma.

Don ma. Don ma. If anybody, please comment below. It's just. Open to feedback. Yeah, no, me too. So I went to try. I'm worried that the only word you know is fuck. Yeah.

What are you trying to go to Vietnam to do? Fuck. So one last time. Dong ma. Dong ma. Perfect. Now, we weren't speaking Vietnamese perfectly. We were mimicking each other perfectly.

Right. And this is a game of telephone. Yeah. I'm like somebody who learned Spanish from a white Spanish teacher. Yeah. El Gringo. Yes. Yes.

Okay. Last one. That's one. That's me. Wa. Wah. Huay. Quay,

Chois, EDR, Poutonkwa Pottonkwa Wai, Hui Shua, Idae, Poutonkwa. It's like I say,

Wah. Which means I'll take the girl toy, please at McDonald's. Last time, last time I said. What is it?

What is it? Wai, Wai, Chua, IDR, Pouton Kwa. Now, I didn't do it correctly,

but you mimicked me perfectly. Well, I'm incredible. Yeah, I speak a little Mandarin. I know we're going to get comments like this, because whenever we speak other languages,

the comments are like, the people who speak that language are like, this was so trippy. Because if they listen to us for like 10 years in English, they're probably like, what the fuck is going on? The edible just hit. Hello, hello.

I just told Plastic Tierra that I, um, I said, this is how you say I've just fucked a 29 year old. And I said a 19 year old. Hello! Still legal. Hashtag legal, hashtag logo TV.

Well, in French, it's saying I'm full and I'm pregnant. So similar. Just be plain. I think it's... Ancent? Isn't it? Just be.

You plan on baby? Can you look it up? I just remember from school She's being like... Wait, wait. She feels French. She has a beret on. I just remember in high school

the teacher being like don't accidentally walk around saying you're pregnant teenagers. Well, it actually is this. French is a tricky language because as the Vietnamese... French don't even have a handle on it. Have you seen them speak it?

French before sort of like blah, blah, blah. But oh my God, I got to speak perfect French with this woman named Sarah from Chartre at this incredible restaurant. If you ever have the chance to go to Alakua and Atwater Village, Claudio is the owner. Me and Jennifer...

I have a reservation to night. No, I don't. Me and Jennifer Nightingale went there. We scoped it out. And it was location scouting. It was so crunk. It was so turnt. It was so lit. Yeah. Yes, it was to see. And then Sarah, I was like, excuse me, Sarah, is you can blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, who cares. And she was like, ah, ton francs, very, very, very bon, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I was like, Sarah, where are you from? And she's like, she's from the first place that I ever went to France, first place in my life. Wow. I was like, Sarah, you guys. at that girl, French push-puss.

Life finds a way. Yeah. Congruency in the universe. Yeah. Oh my. Oh my. Oh, my God. Do you know what I'm obsessed with? Oh, what is it?

My lord. A snapping turtle. Have you ever seen this? This woman sees a snapping turtle and she calls it a snapinterla. Girl, this, when I tell you, when I tell you in your house alone screaming this, this is about to change you. Hold on.

Oh, my Lord, a snapping turtle. Wait, I'm not wearing any underpants. Okay, this is fierce girl. Watch this. My lord, a snapping turtle. Love, love. The word turtle is out. It's Turla.

And she goes, he's getting ready to snap, too. She's too calm for me. I think snapping turtles are dangerous. She doesn't want to hear it again. Just one more time. My lord. A snapping Terlau. Wait, it's that

Turla. We will be with an mix. That's that me espresso. That's not that you coffee? Why are you trying to do you? Why are you coffee? And that's not that her tea. No, that's not that him latte.

No. It's not that they them frappuccino. It's not that me espresso. Sabrina. Sabrina. Who should play Dolly, starting tomorrow. I'm not saying in movies.

Oh, shit. I'm saying give up the Sabrina thing. Yeah. Yeah. Take the mantle. Take the mantle. When superheroes retire and they take a young ward. Yeah. Dolly. Like in Watchmen. Becuths the wigs. Bequiths. Bequiths. Bequhs. The wigs.

Becouths. Becoufes. She be cons. Bequins. She gives. She gives to. And then we go, whatever happened to Sabrina, that's so weird. I thought it was her espresso. But she says, no, no, no. She walks in, why you come in here looking like that? And we go, oh my God.

Dolly. That's that good, goleen. Yes, it's Dolly. It's Dolly when Otamee Brown gets possessed by Sam. Sam Wheat. Dolly partner is Sam Wheat. And Dolipart is Sam Wheat. And Sabrina is Whoopi. You know, I think that's okay.

I think it's okay. I think it's more than okay. Can I tell you at the time of filming this? Oh, God. You would have, and I appreciate everyone thinking of me. I appreciate everyone thinking to me. My phone yesterday? You know what I didn't...

You want to talk about, do you not disturb? Baby, do you know why I didn't text you yesterday? Do you know, Brian Fuerkes? Do you know me, Brian McCook? I do. Do you know what I did not do? What now? Do you know what I didn't do?

I didn't... It's the only day you didn't call me. Yeah. You know why? Because I know, just like when that Barbie thing happened. The Barbie movie came out? I had to go off the grid. I know.

So, let me talk to my camera for a minute. And you know, Verizon charged me 10 cents a text. Thanks a lot. got this cricket flip phone the other day at Best Buy more on that later now I'm going to talk right to the camera it's like so what my responsibility of my duty as an adult human being who's embroiled in a very business way with this human being is not only to know her predict her anticipate her but also to respect the present moment so when I know that one of her heroes has tragically passed away at the ripe age of 80 what I do know is that because people magazine alura magazine

Joey noffi on entertainment weekly any noffi Fernando llama dollar llama Whoopi Goldberg, Tony Goldberg, as Susan Rosenstein, everybody is going, they pick up their phones, they unglue them from their faces, and they go, hey Siri, send a text to Trixie Mattel

and let her know something that she already tracked, I'm okay to be thought of, I'm okay to be thought of. No, no, no, yeah, but I think it and I don't do it. I'm okay to be thought of it. Because I had my own personal feelings about it. I have my own personal feelings about it.

For me, when a celebrity that I don't know, but I love their work dies, I usually feel more of a, reflecting on the greatness, than sadness. Absolutely. And with Dolly,

I mean, I put on a bunch of documentaries, put on a bunch of old videos of her, and just, I watched her documentary, I watched a TV special about Dolly, and then watched a bunch of her videos. I was like, look at all this.

And I guess because I'm country, I'm like, isn't that amazing? Came from nothing. Built all of this from our talent ability. For me, I wasn't, like, people are like, how are you holding up? I was like,

you think I ran into the street with the black veil and go on the 101 and say hit me? Yeah, yeah. Like, I'm okay. Yeah. I'm not her or her friends or family. Yeah. I'm okay.

Yeah. Well, and it's funny. I had 80 years of Dolly. Not even. I had 36 years. Yeah. I had a full Dolly life. Aren't we lucky?

Yeah. Aren't we lucky? Aren't we lucky? So, and a similar thing happened to me, although it's a bit of a remix because two days before yesterday, I had come, I was scrolling on Instagram for 2.5 seconds because I get in and I get out. And then I go, why did I even do that? I use Patreon now. Hashtag Pistler.

Hashtag non-P. Levers. Right. So I. And I, hashtag Gay Gibson. And I serendipitously came across this really incredible clip of the, the introductory moment of darkness in the movie legend where Tim Curry enters the frame with Mia Sarah. And it's this crazy thing. And of course, what happens three days later, he dies right after Dolly.

Also at 80. At 80, exactly. So I don't know Tim Curry. Okay. But I know Wadsworth, the Butler. I know Frankenfurter. I know Pennywise. I know Pennywise.

I know the Congo. The crazy movie Congo. Girl. Oh, crazy. Stop eating me sesame cake. Crazy. Crazy. He is, he is, it doesn't get much better than him.

And again, I didn't put on my white wedding dress and go on the 405 and say, hit me. Right. I said, wow, Jennifer, Jennifer Nightingale had texted me after Dolly passed. I was like, you know, after Dolly died, she didn't pass the fucking ACT scores. She did right before she. Yeah, she passed stone. That was her last goal. She passed her SAT score.

Right. Yeah. So she died. She died. I'm not umi-y-y-a-umiala, however you say in Russian. She died. And then Tim Curry died. And then I thought to myself, 80 is incredible.

80's amazing. We should be all so lucky. I know I know I'm being a little glass heffle, but it made me think what potency. We all could start watching both of their cataloged now and we'd be still sitting here in a year. That potent mom and dad nut. But I think about Missy Elliott. I think about daft punk. I think about RuPaul.

there are people that like oh the nut no we haven't even been able to like even taste the flavor no of the impact and when people pass I feel like sometimes that's a nice window to start let's say die die yeah it's a nice moment to actually take in the wow look what they did so for me it's a moment to think of the scope I'm not crying no but they don't know no I've cried I've already so when so I'm pre I've already pregrieved for ala Pukachova's death but she will die at some point so who you're telling us When you die, the pre-grieving I've done, I think I'm going to get cash back. So like literally, just for reference people, four months ago, I'm not, not to belabor the point or like put the spotlight back on me. But I did almost die. So I've already grieved myself a million times.

I spent 10 days grieving myself because it was worse than death. It was worse than death. Right. Death, you just, you get to let go. I had to hold on. Sucks. But anyways, enough about me. More about Alapukukukukhova.

So she's approaching 80. And so I have pre-greaved. as in celebrated her entire Uvra. And it's so complex, just like Dolly. Just like Dolly. I mean, the parallels are almost, I mean, the parallels are almost, they're not almost, they're bizarrely similar.

Okay. I mean, but in the Russian version of it. So it's darker, more complicated, less happy, more fraught with a controversy. She was kicked out of Russia. She lives now in Latvia with her, and I'm going to say this with a whisper, okay? and this is just between us girls.

With her dog? No. With her. Let's just say her younger husband who may or may not be a certain way. Oh, okay. Yeah. Left-handed?

Exactly. Right. Exactly. She has the right hand. He's got the left hand. What do you think it is that I'm not ambidextrous, but sexually, I could do anything with any limit any time.

If I had two, if I had twins in a study, and I was blindfolded, and they were blindfolded, and I was ski pulling and jerking them both up with both hands, they would both be like, wow, I can't even tell. Like the Pepsi challenge, I can't tell what your dominant hand is

because even that left one, the weak one, is so lit and so slippery. And the grip is so gentle yet firm. How does she do it? Now we can take a break. Imagine the grip. Imagine the grip. Girl, okay.

Imagine it. Hashtag Logo TV. Okay, so I have... Okay, so I'm going to say, so, okay, we got it back to ski post. jerk off with both hands. Okay. So at this point, why are you saying it like you just didn't talk about it? I was doing a hypothetical with blindfolded twins. You're telling us what you did this morning. Well, I tried to do it yesterday, but I said, no. I said, oh no, what if I just fall over and I'm not wearing my chastity belt?

You got one of your little yuckies on. Yeah. If I'm not wearing my chastity belt, someone might roll me over in. Fuck me. So anyways, I've been whacking it with the right hand. I just did a piece of their video on this. I just approved it right outside. jerk off part jow i part one grab join the patreon we're jerking off now no i gotta tell you this is all pg i send it to my this the pg slur the pg slur there's no profanity and is i i do for the people who are of 18 years and older i do i do stand up with my little white shorts on with no underpants and i got my whack my diggling back and forth you can't see any nudity of course and anything really pg or r-rated is blurred out rightfully of course and also what do they there's no amount of zooming in that's gonna catch that little dick no no no no no no

Get NASA down here. NASA. NASDA. Can you get your microscope? We've got a tiny little pecker. Girl, I watched the craziest movie the other day. Wait, wait. Oh. Please.

So when Agapucovo, when Alapukachova, when Alapukachova dies, I will have already pre-greaved because I will have enjoyed her entire complex music catalog. It's not like, it's unlike Dolly. Dolly has had hit after hit after hit after hit after hit after hit after hit. Every one of Dolly's songs is either gentle, beautiful, or just shades of amazing.

at the very, very least, pleasant, right? Yeah. Alla's is challenging. It's confusing. Some of it is badly produced. Some of it is a wink and a nudge. Some of it is so layered and so unpredictable and so complex. And then it's all done through these metamorphoses of losing weight, gaining weight, 50 years of smoking.

So she started with a clear mezzo-soprano songbird voice. She won competitions, won competitions. Like, um, and then she has her, one of her most famous songs is the way that she does this crazy laugh. Ah ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, ho ho ho ho ho ho. Uh, ha. I mean, it's insane.

It's insane. Can I play you a version of it after the next break? Sure. Just the laugh. Just the laugh. Sure. It's so she went called Arlequino, which is like harlequin. And it's, it's, it's, you're like, what is this fucking song?

and then it's crazy. So when she dies, I will have already cried all my tears for her, and I'll be like, oh, that's it. Yeah. So back to me jerking off my left hand. Okay. I stroke it with the left hand because when it's porn started, I was clicking on the mouse with my right.

So I was right-handed. On the family computer. Yeah. On the beige family computer in the family room. When that, you've got mail. Right. that's when I was downstairs and we had a glass,

we had one of those tables with the glass squares and the computer was down in there on the, so I was, I was up here like this, I was going like, whack it, whack it, whack it, click it, click it, click it, waiting for that JPEG to drop, waiting for that good old nasty to load.

Right. Waiting for the good old nasty to load. Right. And then I whacked it. And so now I've been coming, I've recently returned to me and be dexterous, I stroke it with both hands.

I know what you're saying. How do you stroke that tiny little penis with those huge, heavy hard man mitts. It's a struggle. I think it's probably like, probably getting, well, it's like, well, your hands are also so big.

I think it's like an incredible Hulk situation. Do you remember that toy that kids had that was like, remember that toy that kids as it was like green, foam fists to punch each other? I don't know about giving toys to kids about punching. What about giving toys to kids that are just about killing? You know what else? I'm not sure about, I'm not sure about Nerf guns. No.

Do you, do you, do you want to, to lose your eye? I don't want to. It has a suction cup in the end. Oops, I shot you in the eyeball. Let me grab it. Blam. Yeah. Out. Yeah. Eye out. Darylana and Kill Bill. Right. I just, is there any way as a child to safely be shot out with a nerve gun?

It seems not. Call in. Because I want to know. We're on the drama hotline. And that's all perpetuated a big nerve. Big nerve. Big nerve. And the big nerve of that, of parents out there to do that to encourage their children. Can I, can I play this clip really quick? Sure. People like that song?

Haunting. They love. It haunts me in my dreams. Do you like it? No. I love it. You do. Okay. I love it.

You know what? All kinds of music. All music is valid. You know, that is a fun of... Not all drag. Don't be ridiculous. So the thing about the music being valid is that it is. Because whether you like it or not, whether you like it or not, music is music.

And when it comes to art or music, I've found that this is, when, when you're, when you The reviewing, critiquing, or consuming music, art, literature, it's big whale. You know those giant whales that just open their gaping maws and just take everything in and filter all the crap? That's what you do. When you listen to a music, when you listen to a music, you watch a movie or whatever, you go, and whatever stays stays. And it's not the fault of not remembering is in your senses. Right? It's like we can talk about, we can evaluate or judge a movie on whether it's bad or not, but did you remember anything about it? That's the important part. So when like my friend Gretchen, she reviews things, she doesn't take notes. But when you read her reviews, she remembers everything. Movies good, bad, great, whatever. She opens her giant fucking wide-ass maw and the movie comes in and she picks it to fucking pieces and lays it all out. And that's real criticism. That's real criticism.

Like you can do with a song or you can do with a piece of music or an arrangement or a DJ set. You can arrange it. You can have it. And then you can be on the dance floor as a dancer or in the DJ decks as a DJ. And you can have it go through you. And they'd be like, that was a mistake. That was off key. This was the drop.

This was the buildup. This doesn't work. You rearrange it. You arrange it. And I do as a film critic, as an art consumer, as a consumer of art work, I say, interesting. I've got all the time in the world. world for bad art all the time because all art music just requires time that's it there's nothing it's just time that's constraints have you seen that bad film no not yet have you listened to that song but it's

coming and it's fierce like you send me these two awesome tracks say i cried oh thank you i've been weirdly really into music with no words yeah i've been into music i've never made music with no words now i'm like who cares about words and singing no all about ambient soundscapes yeah all about ambience Yeah, you know, I cried because I was like, first of all, I cried because I was so touched that you would send those to me at that particular moment. It was a very serendipitous as I was getting ready for my workout. And so I went, I popped my good old white nasties in and I go on my workout and I sweat to the oldies to those two tracks. Of course. And then I was like, this is the foundation of friendship when you share things with each other, especially if you just made something and you send it to me.

I'm like, I have to try so hard not to cry. You know what it is? Come on from school and I'm like, Mom, I made you the macaroni necklace. This is my macaroni necklace. And I'm like, and I say, honey, that's not macaroni. Those are diamonds. What about the drag name macroni necklace? Drug name?

Drag name? Drag name? Oh, that would be a good street name for a drug. You know, it's Friday. It's my birthday. So we're going to get some macaroni necklaces. So we should go back to... With flavor.

Ginger and Pearl. We should go back to kids. To kids, I have some things I want to show you. Wait, what is this? James, what is that? Maybe I could tell you some things about what's going on with my life. If you'd be interested in hearing about some of that. But I got Ali Poochukchova.

I feel like I've really got it now. I hate you so much. I hate you so much. I really want to kill you. I know. I want to just, I want to take your body and put it through a wood chipper. I want to take your body and I want to send it up into the air, have her.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. And then I want you to send it through a wood chipper. Well, I'm. Did you get drunk, sweetie? Did I get drunk? Did I get drunk? Did you get drunk? In Provincetown, I pushed the limits of the human body.

Yeah, tell me about it. No sleep. No sleep? What? There is no sleep. It's all about drinking and then sleeping. And then sleeping poorly. Jane, we have no sleep on here? Are you not sleeping? You sleep, but then you don't sleep good because you were drinking.

So then you wake up super early. You're hung over. And then it's like, you better wake up because now we're going on a dune tour. You better wake up. We're going to breakfast. Club. Another club. You went on a dune tour?

I went on a dune tour. Oh, the sand thing, not the movie. God damn it. No, not the movie. Who cares about those sand dunes? When Dune 3 is just around the corner. It was pretty. It was a sunset dune tour to go stand on the beach and watch the sunset.

That was pretty cool. But, you know, it really is just sand. It's in the name. It's a tour of sand. Yeah. It was cool. It was cool to do once. Yeah.

But I had fun. It was a fun little, fun little, you know, cute. And then apparently in Provincetown, they have these cabins out there that have no running water, no electricity, and they raffle off a week at a time to go stay in them out. And they drop you off on a Saturday and come get you on a Saturday. And it's for people going on like a meditation or artistic departure from the world. I don't think you get phone service out there. Rehab.

Well, I don't think so. I don't think anybody goes to Peatown for rehab. Yeah, I don't think so either. I have to tell you that when I was in Provincetown, I experienced in something that immediately, sometimes things happen in the wild where I have to write it down because I say if I forget this to look about it on the pod I'm gonna freak out yeah I went to a drag queen it was called tringo it was trivia and bingo tringo tringo tringo tringo tringo so there's trivia around of trivia and then a round of bingo then around a trivia and you keep points that way which is fun as you know bingo stresses me

out it's all listening it's all listening yeah it's hard for me to hear I'm like everyone at the table I need to be staring with the dauber like you know and then girl somebody one of the questions so crazy one of the questions was who was the first trans person to be nominated for an Emmy award

do you know you're gonna okay give me a hint but don't I'll get there just give me a hint you got the hint is the hint I just told you what the description is Levin Cox it's Levincox yeah right somebody

and you know the host that you drag queen hosts are reading all the questions Guess what? Oh God. What did they say? No. Somebody wrote Bruce Jenner, parentheses, trans.

And the drag queen goes, I'm sorry, I just have to call this answer out because it's not right. And also, what? And they said, who wrote Bruce Jenner, parentheses,

trans? And nobody owned up to it. And I was like, if you think that's the answer, you don't know it. And you just don't write anything. If you don't even remember, Caitlin, you just don't write it.

Why write it? Who is the person who wrote it? Shocker Khan, who knows? Like, I don't know. Nobody went on up to it. But I was like in shock. I was like, there's no gun to your head saying you have to answer. At trivia, if you don't know, you just say nothing. Or, not necessarily. I mean, you can

You might write Caitlin Jenner, but I don't think she has an Emmy. But they didn't know that. I could, I could see Bruce Jebber, Bruce, I could see Bruce Jebber having an Emmy. I really could. I could see Caitlin. I thought it was like a funny extreme story. It was mid. It was mid. Let's take a break.

Let's take a real break. Is that okay? I'm going to pee quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're back. And when it's hot like this in L.A. When it's hot like this in L.A., my house thinks, oh, you little bald hairless bitch, would you like to freeze? It pumps so fiercely and never turns off. And I wake up, I wake up screaming. I wake up cold. I get so cold.

And then you turn it off in your house is like, did you want to cook to death? So your options are to be freezing. Air conditioning is about being freezing or turning it off and roasting to death. What about wet and cold, girl? What about wet and cold? I'd be in the pool every day because I'm so hot.

It's so hot. It's the heat. It's the heat. So I have to tell you what I went to in Provincetown. So I went to Sunday, Tammy Brown, cocktail. Do you know cocktail? No.

Clown wig. That's all you need to know. Clown wig, white eyeliner. Crazy. Love. And, And Mona Moore Do you know Mona Moore?

Crazy love. It's this It's what was called The Tammy Brown Funky Brunch So I go And I'm just gonna start this By saying

It's mostly straight people there Families, kids Tammy's Tammy's the normal one in the show Girl I'm gonna piss my soul I cannot tell you So then I get there

And I go That's weird The menu is all Where's the brunch I look at it And what is that thing where you look at something? You think it says one thing, but it doesn't. The Mandela effect?

Yes. Okay, it's like that. That's the Barbara Streisand thing where people think she had a... No, no, the Streisand effect. I'll tell you if you want to know, yeah. I... Oh, Streisand is, don't look at my house. Yes.

Which I say every day. To the gardener to everybody. Don't look. Don't you dare. You know the celebrities was like, don't look at my eyes. The gardener and stuff, I'm like, don't look at the house. Do not look at the house. The person came to spray pesticides.

I'll see you bar. Close your eyes the whole time. don't look at the house. So it's the Tammy Brown. I go, where are the eggs? Where's the breakfast foods? I realize it's Tammy Brown's funky lunch. It's not a drag brunch.

It's a drag lunch. And that should tell you everything you need to know. It was so fucking funny. I'm not kidding. I laughed beyond crying to the point where my body hurt. My core was worked out. It was like I had on one of those 90s electric belts that shocks your abs. I was in physical fucking pain

because they would like finish a number and Tama would go on the microphone and go, and we don't have eggs. We don't have pancakes. We don't have eggs. We don't have that. Somebody finished their number and she just goes, Lean cuisine on a TV tray.

I was levitating. It was the exorcism of Emily Rose. I was Eli that would be Eli upside down. She posed flying around the room. And then a cocktail did this number. She did, I think it was it. It was like, it's all coming back to me now or something like that. It was something with like a big opening where the audience is all excited.

And she has a fake, she has a microphone. And then she starts singing and the mic is fake off. So she just lip syncs the whole time and doesn't realize the mic's not on. And then she has the DJ pretend to like change out the microphone. And so she does the whole number lip syncing and nobody in the audience can hear it. Because it's the, it's the karaoke track. So there's no singing. So there's no words.

And the audience, the longer she. does it, it gets funnier and funnier. Because she's like, nights of endless pleasure, whatever. I could be remembering this song wrong. But there's no vocal. And then there's a part where someone's singing along and she goes like this. She's shocked.

It was so fucking funny. I was crying. I was crying. And then I was taking so many videos because these drag queens doing, let's say, alternative drag, while children and their Caucasian parents probably thought it was the Taylor Swift Princess Ariel brunch. And this Mona Moore walking around doing one way or another,

screaming. One way or another, I'm gonna fucking get you. Like crazy. And I'm zooming in on her singing and then zooming in on people's kids. Like, I'm happy people want to go to the drag brunch, but sometimes I think it's funny. Like a heterosexual family. Who, by the way, on one hand, we need people to patronize businesses in Peatown. On the other hand, there are so many straight people there now. There's so many straight people there now. my friend was like the gays need to be weird again you guys all need to put on like your pup hats like your pup masks and like like they're getting too comfortable i know i'm walking out of bars blackout drunk i'm like whipping a drink at people i don't you know show girls show girls show girls show girls show girls who else that i see i saw meanka del Rio at town hall right haylock the momentum the speed the alacrity the momentum those those jokes get better and better each year when i hear them but they rock it right out of her mouth you don't you can't keep up with bianca You can't be...

I love hot topic current events. I love a story from 2015. Let's hear it. You know? But she really is so fucking funny. There was a part where they have a Q&A. And that's the part where Bianca really shines. Because that bitch can make anything out of that thing.

Somebody... Somebody asks like... It's like, Bianca, I need help with this. Whatever. She's answering Q&A. One of them was like, I just got four tattoos. I've been doing a lot of yoga and investing in myself.

And Bianca looks up and goes, are you okay? Like this isn't even a question. So then later, later someone at the very end goes, oh, like I'm trying to like get back in shape. What should I do? And she goes, listen,

get four tattoos, start yoga. It was so fucking funny. It was so funny. Also, in Peatown all week, it wasn't hot. Actually cold. What? Me riding in the petty cabs in drag.

What? Are you serious? Yeah, it wasn't hot. You're kidding. Outdoor, two DJ gigs. Outdoors like 70 degrees. loved it. In Ptown?

In Ptown. In Ptown. In Cape Cod. On the Cape. Oh, yes. With George? With John. On his house?

Yeah. That's crazy. Pretty fierce. The Tammy Brown funky lunch? It's so. And I'm thinking to myself, it's probably because the governor Bradford's like, we're not making breakfast for some cross-dressers.

No. You get burgers for breakfast. No. Watched a little bit of Baywatch. Have you ever seen? Have I seen Baywatch? I've never seen it. Oh, my God.

The way that I love Baywatch is, It's not even... Pamela. It's all about Pamela's eye makeup for a... Is she supposed to be a lifeguard? She's got your makeup on. She was always the blueprint. She was always the blueprint.

I've watched that since... I watched Baywatch when it started. I've never even seen it. I looked up. I saw her in makeup and I said, What show is this? And then she had the swimsuit art. It goes, is this Baywatch?

Yeah. But I didn't know that her look for Baywatching, which I think is lifeguarding. Yeah, of course. Is Playmate. Girl, it's fierce girl. And she's Canadian. No, she's not.

Is she really? That's why she's awesome. Yeah. Nobody American could be that great. No, no. And she was the blueprint. She was the blueprint for this particular type of bombshell. And she did a movie called Barb Wire.

I've seen that. It's... You used to play on the sci-fi channel all the time. Or no, Spike TV or something. Yeah. It's so exquisite this movie. And she walks the razor's edge of camp, sex, drama, and action. and it's so

cunt. It's so calculated and it was such a box office bomb. Why? I thought people love her. If it's her acting sexy, what's the issue? Exactly. So what I've learned about art criticism and movie watching is that a box office bomb means nothing. It means nothing.

No. You know what else bombed? Everything. Titanic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Well, it did. It did. It did. That's big Titanic. Harts no one. 275,000 people died, Titanic. The Titanic.

24,000 people died. 4 million people died. 6 million people died. No one died of the Titanic. No one died of the Titanic. So, Barb Wire was... Could you imagine? I can imagine.

I want Titanic, but it's a gay cruise. Well, I've been... I've been... I know. I want... I want a love story that captures emotion. No, I know. But I want like two...

bags with Fannie Packs being like, oh my God, the ship's leaking. Maybe we're about to go do the Titanic 2 in our dreams. Jacket and Rosebud. Yeah, Jackie and Rosebud. Jacqueline and Rosebud. Can I tell you about something that I learned over this weekend and it's going to gag you? Are you ready to

fucking gag? So I'll decide what I gag on. Okay. You don't know about my gagging. Okay. This is crazy. Okay. Please tell me about Dr. Shannon Curesic.

Nay, Shannon Grace McCook. Okay, ready for this? Lightning. Shannon Grace McCook is an academic and scientific research who recognized for her work in biology and biochemistry. As an undergraduate, she conducted research on molecular biology and cancer genetics. In October 2013, she earned first place at Boston University's 16th annual Europe, research symposium for her research poster, mechanism of CPG DNA, methylation by DNMT1 in cancer cells.

Okay. Is this your sister? She completed senior honors thesis work focus on DNA methylation mechanisms and cancer cell genetics. And then recognized with academic honors through Boston University's College of Arts and Science. That was before she was married. Is this part of something? Okay. Sometimes to keep the guests interested, we might want to logically link the stories and, you know, create a through line of some sort.

People love us because we don't just yell things out of nowhere. Okay. She holds a doctor of veterinary medicine, a master of public health, and a PhD, and is a diplomat of the American College of Veterinary Pathologists, trained in ecology, public health, molecular biology, and veterinary pathology. Focuses on the pathology of non-traditional animal species, including wildlife, aquatic species, and bats. She regularly co-authors peer-reviewed scientific literature and textbook chapters in these fields, and she just had two kids and a husband. What the fuck? You didn't know this stuff about it?

No, I know, I did, of course, but that's on Google. That's crazy that your sister's so smart that you can even Google her. What do you call that? Your pedigree, your educational research. Her CV. I don't even know what some of that means. I know. Her curriculum of Wittai, which is like Latin for her CV, like the course of her life, curriculum

we tie, is so dense and so complicated and so crazy. And I called her the other day and I said, Shan, I ate a bug. I said, Shannon, I ate a bug. And she's like, what? I was like, Brie. She's like, what kind of bug do you eat? And I was like, Shan, I don't remember.

And she's like, was this real? What did you fly in your mouth? You swallowed it? Yeah. That's why you can't go outside. Like Goldie Hawn was like, I think I just ate a bug. I was like, she's like, what kind of bug did you eat? I was like, girl, I don't know.

Shit. And she was like, did it have wings? I was like, yes, definitely. And I was like, she's like, describe the bug. I was like, I don't know, Shannon. And then we got on this whole like whatever roller coaster and I talked to about kids. Were you scared about like, am I in danger? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So she like, she has devoted her entire life and to this to date. And she has devoted her entire life. She also has two crazy dogs, right? And to discovering she worked on the Casco-Caro virus, the Marburg virus, SARS-COVID virus. This is all through the CDC, the Department of Public Health. She has a master's in Ph.D. Wow.

Yeah. And she did her studies on non-human primates in Africa. She's been to the Galapagos. She was one of the, she works with stage bio, this company. She evaluates what, if there's a virus or a bacterium that infects and destroys tissue, non-human tissue, she evaluates it. And she's part of a huge team that predicts and they do testing for the tests. So if something's going to be tested on humans, that's like, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes. She's way, way before that.

She's, like, done the test for the test for the test of the article's about to be tested. It's really fucking crazy, man. It's really fucking crazy. So she was all this wet market Wuhan stuff with the COVID of it all, all this propaganda. You know, she's like, no, no, I can tell you exactly what I know, what sort of is the global temperature. to the best of her abilities. And at her fingertips, she's got access to information

that the Trump administration does not have, you know what I mean? Because she's like, yeah, no, you don't go to the Trump administration for information. You go to these people. It's a global network. So it's like, my sister,

my actual sister, the little girl who had a George Washington haircut when she was like three years old. Or did George Washington have a little girl's haircut? Thank you. Did George, it was it, what came first? George Washington or Shannon Grace McCook? I think, Your Honor.

We know the answer to that. one. So it's crazy. And we've been reconnecting because she's got two little kids, Ben and Owen. And Ben is still sucking from her nipples. How old? Nine. You know that the internet said that it's...

He just turned 19. The internet said, we talked about this, the internet says that the appropriate time for people to stop breastfeeding is two to nine. Yeah. Well, that's two to nine. Two to nine. Yeah, boom, boom. I got to stop by school and feed my titty to my fourth grader. Ask Blossom.

Hello. It's crazy. I guess it's not crazy. No, it's not crazy. Non-human primates. If pediatric experts say it's fine, it's fine. Non-human primates. It hurts no one.

It doesn't grow the economy. It doesn't grow the economy. Unfortunately. Well, it does. It's not good for big baby formula. Yeah, big breast milk. Or big kids lunches.

No, no, but it's big for big breast milk. And she told me, I asked her, I was like, Shannon, what is, tell me, walk me through the day-to-day of breastfeeding. And you know what she said? It's excruciating. Yeah, it looks hard. Yeah.

It looks some. Pleasant. She said it feels excruciating. So my sister has given birth vaginally to two non-human primates. Rectally twice. Yeah. She's given birth to two human primates twice. She said, Brian, I can't tell you how difficult it is, how excruciating the horror and the pain.

But then how also rewarding it is to have this human being that came out of my body and I'm feeding it from my breast. But also at the same time, I love when people say also too. Like, also too. Like you don't need to say it twice. But also it's the most excruciating pain, but it's also making this human being going to grow up to be whatever he wants. And that's Benjamin. But it's kind. It's fierce.

I mean, it's definition of pussy fierce. Big pussy on the deli counter, big pickle, huge crunch. I mean, huge pickle, infinite crunch. Big pickle, huge crunch. Yeah. Like, I mean, it's like small pickle. Yeah, small pickle. Big pickle, huge crunch.

Can I show you something that I brought from home? Please. This is a book that I was reading that I said, oh, I love this book. Oh, we already talk about this book. Oh. Wait, what? No. Katte was over at my house and I was like, oh my God, I've been reading this book.

It's so scary. The art is like, a guy in a paper plate mask with a dog drawn on it with crayon. And I felt so stupid being like, this book is so scary. It is scary, but the cover doesn't give scary. I fucking love that. It's about some teenagers in Canada.

Can I have it? No. I'm not done with it yet. Then fuck you. It's about some teenagers in Canada, and they're in a small town in Nova Scotia. Fictional. It's not real. And they, is that where Halifax is?

Halifax is in Canada. I've been to Halifax. I've been to Nova Scotia. Okay. So it's these teenagers and they have a mystery club. And in the mystery club, there are people disappearing in town. Nobody in town seems to realize. And all the adults won't tell them, but they kind of feel like there's something going on.

And there's a society of people in yellow raincoats who wear these paperplate masks with animals drawn on them. Creepy. Well, I don't see men. I'm not sure where they're missing. I know. I've been missing men for quite a while. Hello. I don't see gender.

So I'm not sure if they're missing men or women. Ever since I shacked up with a woman, I'm missing men. Hello. Love that. Every time you point at me out, all I see is a penis. I feel a penis here I feel a penis here I feel a penis here

I have one more Wait between the two of us There are four breasts Do you know what that means I do I do I do I do

Kyle Kyle The mayor of Of Portland McLaughlin Yes Yeah yeah yeah I forgot he was on that Yeah

Between the two of us There are four breasts Do you know what that means Heather Let them speak My favorite Every time you point a finger I feel a penis

Yeah Every time you point a finger at me I feel the penis I feel a penis here. I feel a penis there. I feel my breast milk here. Right. Do you know what that means? And I don't want to plug the peace lure, but I will. We're starting season. We're starting season two of drag race on the piece slur. Yeah. You know what? Let's bring on those denim outfits. Let's bring on those denim outfits. And I'm just going to say this. I'm talking right to my camera about the piece layer. I want you to know. And I want your sister to know. And your sister's sister to know that I have a shooed Instagram. I have kicked X to the curb because I have put my, I have put my,

I have foot and mouth disease. I have foot and mouth disease. I put my full pussy on that deli counter. Every time I walk in that piece slur and I say, you want to talk about parallel parking. Let's talk about parallel parking. So thank you so much to you, me, you, you, Jacob, Tracy, new name, I forget, Maddie,

and of course Nicholas and Pete Williams for making it a believable peace slur experience. That's amazing. I love it. That's a great feeling. I'll just say it. Love it. Bye.