The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - An Open Letter to the Emmys with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: April 7, 2026

Dearest esteemed leadership of the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences. We respectfully and fervently request the honor of serving as presenters for the Lead Actress category during the primetime telecast of the 2027 Emmy Awards: roles for which we have physically, cosmetically, and emotionally been preparing for our entire lives. Given the extraordinary performances from Lisa Kudrow in The Comeback and Jean Smart in Hacks, we can scarcely imagine a greater privilege than to stand at that glistening podium, maintain impeccable posture, and display our genetically-natural beauty and elegance without incident or visible flop sweat. We hereby earnestly and unapologetically plead that you include us in the live primetime ceremony, as we would approach this responsibility with reverence and solemnity, and nary a whiff of our typically-bawdy senses of humor. With deepest admiration for the Academy and operatic hope for your favorable consideration, we remain faithfully yours, Trixie Mattel and Katya Zamo; already practicing our teleprompter-reading and envelope-opening skills in preparation for your call. Stream the new Hulu Original Series The Testaments Premiering April 8 on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+! Head to: https://bit.ly/TheTestamentsOnHuluTheBaldAndTheBeautiful Need a website or domain? To save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain, head to: https://Squarespace.com/BALD This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up and get 10% off at: https://BetterHelp.com/BALD Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ To check out our official YouTube Clips Channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/TrixieAndKatyaClipYT⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://trixieandkatya.com/#tour⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.trixiemotel.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Listen and Watch Anywhere! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠http://bit.ly/thebaldandthebeautifulpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Follow Trixie: Official Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.trixiemattel.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@trixie⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Facebook: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/trixiemattel⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/trixiemattel⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Twitter (X): ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://twitter.com/trixiemattel⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠   Follow Katya: Official Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.welovekatya.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@katya_zamo⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Facebook: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/welovekatya⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/katya_zamo⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Twitter (X): ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://twitter.com/katya_zamo⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠   #TrixieMattel #KatyaZamo #BaldBeautiful Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Watch the cliffhangers. They also call them serials. I know that, Mr. Man. We were, oh my God, we were at the ball. Are we rolling? We were at the ball in the beautiful live. We were at the ball and the beautiful live in Kansas City this weekend. Which, by the way, we're coming to Boston.

We're coming to Toronto next week. Please, we have a second show in Boston at Wang. I want to sell out both. We want to sell out both. And if we don't sell out that second one, it's going to be the ultimate humiliation. Also, why don't they have, like, a statue of you in Boston Commons? Like, I got, like, can they knock down some of the colloquium? Colonial racist statues.

And can they put up you? I am there. It's very... I'm sick of the colonial racist. I want the normal kind. Fuck Paul Revere. Give me... I mean, we want a...

Revere what? Rupal Revere. Oh, no. Oh, I brought two Rupal shirts and of course I didn't put one of them on. I brought one too. I brought one. Can I help you?

Do you have a question? Pam... Pamp Bondi. Once again. Yeah. And that bitch, just because she's not the hot but of the week. I've been seeing so many good TikTok of people doing her, but like,

this is outrageous. Y'all got Trump derangement syndrome. Yeah. Trump derangement syndrome. TDS. She's kind of, yeah, she's kind of quailuted. She's not even... She's kind of slurring. Well, they're all on goofballs. She's kind of doing that housewife pill thing where it's like kind of slurring. It's a goofball. It's a goofball machine,

that whole White House situation. Every day she wakes up and RFK has a slingshot like Dennis the Menace and shoots a hydrochloric quoxin. It's got to help you. There's this, oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Do you think that RFK is going to start recommending that we all drink Pam Bondi's breast milk? Yes.

But she won't breast pump. So she has to outsource it to China. It's like a kissing booth. We all have to get in line and show up. Like the flu vaccines at CBS. Like you go in there, you walk in. It's a walking appointment. But it's not actually Pam Bondi. It's anybody with the last name Bondi. They have to change their name to Pam. It's a whole grip. Or anybody from Bondi Beach. Really anybody from Bondi Beach.

My peach. Anybody. Oh, my God. Last week, we cliff hung. We cliff hung. We cliff hung. We really, we edged. And we teased.

We teased. And we cliff hanged. And it made me think of a we were in Kansas City. Somebody asked who would be on your Mount Rushmore. And I immediately said, Kathy Bates and Misery. Cliffhangers. They also call them cereals. I'm not stupid, you know.

So good. Mr. Man. Mr. Man. God. Where's she? Why is Annie Wilkes? in the fucking cabinet.

Get her down here. God. Bagga ass her down here. Back of shit. Yeah. It's beneath you, Paul. When she's calling Wu Paul Paul, Paul over and over again. She was good.

I'm calling her Raymond. She was good. She's calling her Paul. I call her Ruth. Yeah. Ruth Paul. No, I, because I, in the snatch game, I don't, I think it's a little bit of a cheat to do a character as the actress.

Say you're doing the actress, but you're just doing Amy Madigan, but you're doing Gladys on Matt. Yeah, I think it's a cheat a little bit. But if it's done well, who cares? know, like Benzile Cremas, as Maggie Smith as the Dowager countess, it's still great. Right. But like, so anyways, but I give a pass to a bag of shit for that because not back. Oh my God, a bag of shit.

That's what lady bunny called her that once on tour. And it was funny. Did you wait? Because it's such a bad joke. Did you see it, Kelly Mantle, the pod. By the way, Kelly Mantle won a fucking Queerty Award. Payola. Oh, oh, yeah.

The Academy loves Kelly. How much did you pay for that? How much did you pay for that award, Ms. Mantle? Well, they don't know this. What? I was hosting. And the lights went out. And Ed McBing.

man switched the check. I made sure that Kelly You saw the bald and the beautiful busy lifting drinks. You stole bald and beautiful on the check but then the lights went out, lightning crashed and then all of a sudden

Michelle Vissage switched the checks. She's the fully haired in the beautiful. That's her pod. But she won and a... The bobbed in the beautiful. The bobbed in the beautiful. Oh, I love Kelly and a bob.

No, Michelle. Oh, can you believe that? No, I can't. It's really fierce. She looks like somebody's avatar from like Wii bowling. Do you know what I mean? Yes.

Like a randomized sim? But Michelle, I mean, like, it's impossible to clown because that face can really do anything. Yeah, she could rip Pam Bondi with one look. And you know what? I actually really, do you remember a few years ago when Megan McCain was trying to do funky looks with her hair and makeup? Do remember the funky looks? Mary, everybody's trying to clown my unstyle. But like, look at Michelle.

Trying to do these hair show styles with the racist woman on the view or whatever the fuck. Trying to do like Atlanta hair show. The helicopter that flies off the head. Yes. But I think it's funny that Air Force 3. Team Michelle, Team Michelle's hair and glam Yeah. Can actually do versatility where it always looks good.

Yeah. That was a tough time. That was a reach. That was a cliffhanger from which she did not hang very much. Yeah. Oh, we did a cliffhanger about the Jubilee video with Julianne Michaels versus 20 body positive movement activists. Activists.

Well, they weren't all activists. No, they were champions or whatever of the body positive movement. Right. And they were all different types of people like therapists, dietitians, activists, whatever. And I'll tell you, I sat down, because I like, I like rage baiting myself. I like to watch something, and I'll tell you this, I watch a lot of Jubilee

content, and whether or not I agree with anybody. Yeah. I always applaud people being so candid. And vulnerable. There's a lot of vulnerability. Even if I think they're cuckoo bananas. I'm like, well, they're going on the internet speaking their truth. And I learn from that. So thank you.

I didn't. So fuck you. But I went in there ready to sit down and be like, yeah, let's see this white bitch get steamrolled. I just want everybody to take a lovely, a lovely keynote crash course in debating as it pertains to claims, listening to claims. Hi, Claim. Hello, Claim. And then responding to claims. Rebuttal. I have a hard time when it just gets circular. Point, counterpoint, rebuttal, or when it becomes, when it becomes scientific evidence versus my feelings. Right. Because feelings aren't facts and they can't necessarily, like, you know, they're, they're your feelings. They're,

They impact you. They're, you know, they're important, but they can't really be, they can't really, they're not artillery as against scientific evidence

or evidence-based studies. You know what I mean? It doesn't really work like that in a debate. But I do appreciate something I like about that channel is a lot of times people's personal stories give so much context that like, we can't just talk about studies we remember either. So I do like both.

Well, yes, and I appreciate what I really took away from that video, which was so impactful and really, I mean, I can't overstate the media. Full body chills. Well, literally, because the girl whose breast kept growing, I've never felt more seen in my life.

Right. Because I didn't know that there was somebody else there like me. Right. I didn't know that because I go on tour with you and you know that I, on, you know, Friday, I'm wearing a 38 double D. And I just have those little. I have a double G. Right. Because they keep growing.

There's nothing I can do about it. Well, you're shoplifting. If I diet, my waist grows tiny and my breasts grow brigger. So I, like, I have, I struggle. And I felt so seen by her. I just saw this video One of my other weird Like I don't know what's wrong with the internet

The reason I'm not watching premium cable like you What's wrong? There's a phone call I hate that I hate it too The reason I'm not watching premium cable like you Is because I'm watching like Trash teenagers get apprehended at Macy's on TikTok

For stealing Like I love that shit Recently I just saw this woman And the cops are the cops have body cams They're following her And they do this thing where they kind of flank you on an escalator We're like the cops are at the bottom The cop follows you on

And they're like follow us And this bitch you guys, I swear to God. I swear to God. And, you know, I got fired from a job for stealing. I wasn't stealing. But I have a lot of sensitivity to that moment. Excuse you.

What? Excuse you. What? The Mac counter. I have to know that about you. Are you really pretending you've never heard this? Audience at home, tell me I have not told this story.

It must have been at least 14 times. It must have been at least 15 times. Because why haven't we bonded so severely over that? We have cracky. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Greg and Coco, feel free to make a super cut of that story. Greg and Coco. Our intern.

Greg and Coco, please. So, basically, long story short, my guest in the makeup chair said, you know, my gift card for Macy's probably has 15 cents left on it. She said something jokingly like, go get yourself a coffee. I said, okay, I will. So I went to get my Starbucks, and I said, my lady in the makeup chair gave me this. It's the Starbucks, the Starbucks Macy's. I was like, probably has 10 cents on it, but she told me to put it for my coffee. It was like $1.10.

I was like, oh, thanks, lady, whose makeup I did, fired. They said it's in the handbook of if you work at the makeup counter, you can't use a gift card. I was the top salesperson at a million dollar makeup counter. I was fired for $1.15. I was devastated. But still. But I still use Mac products to this day.

They got me. They got you. And also, I'm sorry, boo, but that, no matter what the dollar amount, you did, you did thieving. You were a thief. Maybe I'm, like, maybe I need to heal myself by accepting that that did count as thieving. You do. No matter. See, because when it comes down.

to you, it's not semantics, it's dollars and cents. There's really, at the end of the day, no difference between $1.1.25. You know what it is? It's like in Ghost, when that program is stealing, like, fractions of a penny from all those people. What program? That's how they get the Sam Wheat money. Oh, oh, oh.

It's like fractions of a cent. Carl? Yes, it's like fractions of assent over time. Isn't that how they get all that money? Oh. Okay, love it. Well, that's how I decided. But, oh, but Mary, oh, Jesus. Oh, my God, what about the comeback?

And she's like, I'm here. for my day player, I'm Lana. She goes, Lana, I only have fitness instructors. That's the name I gave her. Love that. When she's leaving in the ambulance is behind her and they're just like, there's so many things about that show. And it's, I don't we tell you

giving your character a name and then telling the person when you check in that character's name they don't know. Sorry, that's acting. That is how people are. Yeah. She's, I don't know. If you ever took an acting class, that's the type of shit they tell you to do. Yeah. It's like, you come

a class and they stopped the model, like, hold on for a second. What happened to her on February 20th birthday? You haven't thought about that? What actually transpired on February 27, 1993? Yeah. Between her and Barbara. Right. You don't know who Barbara is?

Get out of here. But it's a good callback to season one because when she's doing room and bored, she's like, so Aunt Sassy, am I her dad's sister or her mom's sister? And they're like, who cares? It doesn't matter. Yeah. But it does matter. And she's like, it does matter.

How about it's the brother? And that way we have a better guest star later. Sorry, she is thinking about it. She is. She's thinking. She's thinking, Jane. Papa pigs. What are these?

Percy pigs? Peppa the pigs. These are delicious. They're vegan. I don't know where they came from. Vegan. They make them in the UK. They're vegan.

What are they made out? A horse radish? They're delicious. Bid off. Oh. Almost too sweet. Not bad, right? Yeah, I should stop.

Such a pig. Oh, my God. It's almost, yeah. I've been having a lot of food problems. It's almost a little too sweet. It's almost a little too rich. They got me in a bunch of new arthritis medicine, and it's my appetite's out of the window.

It's been harrowing. Out the window. Gone. Oh, so gone, okay. I wake up, choke down a smoothie with a nauseous feeling. My arthritis has gotten so much better. But I'm nauseous all the time. You know, God give it and God taketh away.

Yep. Up last night, puking, middle of the night. Love it. Oh, I forgot to talk about Kelly. Kelly Mantle's pod where she shoots in this room. She had Lady Bunny on. And she goes, I'm going to read some names, and I want you to do word association. Can you play it?

Can you play it? It's really funny. It's really funny. Control room? We don't have one. Yeah. Oh my God. It can't believe you didn't tell me how this fake now. Kelly's pot and actually laughed.

You know what I mean? Paola. Paola Jackson. Oh my God. They had her come out at the queerities. She came on stage. Who? Kelly.

Kelly. She was scripted to come out, but she's so believable that the audience was like, oh. Kelly like wandered out from the corner of the stage. The audience is like, it was like a court you love. Like in the moment. And I just turned her and I go, a haunting. Okay, ready?

Dina Martina, suicide. Tammy Brown, 9-11. She would take that as a compliment. Bianca del Rio. Incest. It's so fierce. It's so fierce. I love her.

I don't. I don't. And her look has never inspired me at any stage in my life. No. Gosh, no. In anything, it's repelled you further and further away. I've been trying to. to find this DVD of hers because I'm like an old school lady buddy

buddy fan oh the I know which one you're talking about yes I can't say on the pod it's rated X for extra something you know what rated even find it on eBay no rated R for oh yeah yeah yeah and I don't have a DVD player so I really have no plan Mary you had I got I got a whole bunch of DVDs at home all I'm missing is the Blu-ray player all that's standing in the way of me and join these DVDs no they're Blu-rays okay so you don't have any DVDs at home I got Blu-ray DVDs okay good all that's Standing in the way of me and some enjoyment of these discs is the goddamn player.

Your pimple healed pretty fast. It's not healing. It's still there. Thank you very much. It looks way better than you. You had a full wig on acting like there was a crater under there. It was Mama. It was the beginnings of Mount Vesuvius. It was Mount St. Helensile's daughter, just emerging from the primordial ooze. It was flagrant. It was abusive. I had to stay home. I had to do cold and hot compresses. I had to do steam. Eucalyptus, mentholatum, benzoy peroxide. Eucalyptus pussy. I didn't do any of that.

I gotta tell you what happened to me. But wait, I'm not done with my story. Okay. I forget what you were asking. You always say that and then there is nothing. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You just don't give me enough time to really formulate my opinion. Okay.

Clammy again. I know. I always feel like I'm talking to a kindergarten with you where I'm like, is this a question or a story? Why can't it be? The hand is up? And I'm like, does anybody know the answer? And you go, my mom drives a blue car. Like, it's like some shit like that.

But I'm like, my mom drives a blue car? Right. Right. No, no. it's always like it's always like I need to stop everything and tell you I had a great night's sleep last night Yeah

Any elaboration any any relevance to what we were talking about Not really Not really Go ahead yeah I the I In the car on the way here My God it got like a J-Lo second act flash

Okay Second Act flash because what I was going to do What I wanted to do after high school One of the two things I wanted to do Was either become a French teacher But I knew at the time the time, because I was so gay, that I would not be able to summon or embody the authoritative armor necessary to fend off a bunch of fucking youngsters, high schoolers.

Now? Maybe now? Fermil abouche. I say you. No, no, no. Yeah. Taddy you salop. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. That I could do. I'd put on one of these nails. Do my cocaine. Just kidding. And then I would let him have it, but I was thinking, you know what? 22, 23, 24, 28, no, 40 plus.

That's what you, the age you need, the distance and the authoritative, you just need that age difference, that kind of like in that life experience to be able to walk into a room of rotted, gutted high schoolers, you know, screaming six plus seven on Snapchat or whatever, and then get to tell them to shut the fuck up, sit down and open page 83. I watch a TikTok about this phenomenon that I don't know if it's true But they're saying that if it's on TikTok It's true Like perhaps female teachers Are sometimes very nice To the male athletes in the high school

And then come down really hard on the girls Many young women feel singled out by their female teachers And they feel like the teachers Give extra Extra help or extra consideration to the athletes I'm just watching TikToks Okay and that's where I get my news Well that's where other than

the 16 hours of news a day that I watch. Speaking of, Savannah Guthrie's come back to work. They still haven't found her mother. You know where her mother is? Her mother is breast pumping Pam Bondi. That is awful. I'm sorry. I don't know who that Savannah Guthrie is. Savannah Guthrie. She's a journalist. She's a television. They took her mom. Yes, her mother was kidnapped. By whom? Like months ago. And they don't know and they can't find her.

And Savannah's been talking about it very openly. This is not a joke. I watch a lot of news. It's awful. And let me tell you, if anybody out there is into stealing mothers, I will give you Val's home address. And Ruth Paul's. Like, let's... Call me mother? Snatched.

It's awful. I think that in the world of crime and political warfare, we don't have to steal people's moms. I think that's pretty wild. Yeah. It's also... It's sad. Yeah, it's also...

Would Pat go easily? Mama, are you joking? Baby. Let me tell you about Miss Pat, Patricia Ann McCook named Warren. She is such a fast walker. You cannot. Mama, you...

She's so short, though. Baby, don't matter. She leaves everybody in the dust. When we're on a group trip in a car, she doesn't wait until my dad's driving usually. She doesn't wait until he slows down or stops. Opens the door, tuck rolls, and she's on her way. She is, you cannot catch her.

The elusive chantus. You're the youngest, right? I'm in the middle. You're the middle. Just like you. Your sister's youngest. Yeah. And your brother's oldest.

Interesting. And yeah, but she is, she's, she, you can't catch her. You cannot catch her. And what's your sister's name again? Shannon. Who would play her? Shannon Grace. Kirsten Dunst.

You guys would all play each other. No, no, no, no. You guys have two jeans. You all look so alike. Kirsten Dunst would play my sister. It looks so much like your brother. I do. The face.

Without the beard. It was like him with the, you with the dark beard. Oh. And he's got a full head of hair. He's got them a cook side. Yeah. Are you the only, are you the only blonde? Your sister's kind of blonde, right?

No, my sister's brown. Okay. But I'll never forget. I wish we could pull up a picture. I'll find it. She had a George Washington haircut when she was little. She got a perm.

She was the spitting image of our first president. That's fierce. It was like, you know, that much? Like kind of like, you know what I'm talking about? You've seen the $1 bill.

Oh, I've seen one. I've been doing drag long enough. Yeah. That was my sister. Yeah. Cunt. You want to know my special trick that I do in drag.

And people think this is gross. When people tip me a dollar, I'll lick it and stick to the forehead. Ooh. The audience goes wild. I love that. But everybody's like, like the money. I think that's classist.

Thank you. You don't know my experience. You don't know. Also, I would go even worse. I would crumple it up, put it in my mouth, and then I would spit it up into the air and get and catch it. Yeah. I'd swallow it. There was a drag artist called Cherin needles, and I watched her, she used to take people's money and put it in a blender.

Well, that's... And then she would take pages of the Bible and put it in a blender. Well, I have no problem with that. That's going to... Shredding money, you would call the place. I would call the place. I was like... Pam Bondi, get down here. Pim on and get down it. April is a dangerous time for me, because the second the weather gets even a little flirtatious, I start behaving like a woman of a certain age who has simply had enough.

Suddenly, I need a spring trip. A trip where I need soft pants, dark sunglasses, and a destination where I can walk around at Golden Hour pretending I have secrets. That is the power of it. April. It thaws the pavement, reawakens my allergies, and fills me with the completely irrational confidence of someone who thinks a weekend away will fix everything. So this spring, I'm planning a trip to Savannah, where I found a home on Airbnb that is draped in both moss and charm. I want cobblestone little squares. I want to drift around in the spring sunshine, like an ant who's on an eat-prey love

trip that includes grits and barbecue. I want to do some light strolling, and maybe buy an impossibly impractical piece of jewelry in a local boutique. I want to sit down to a dinner that is so good, it makes me briefly forget pretty much everything. This is the kind of trip where you need a place that matches a fantasy. That's why I love booking stays on Airbnb, because when I travel, I do not want to be crammed into a hotel room with a view of a parking lot. I want a real place to stay. I want a living room where I can decompress after a long day of wandering around and judging

southern architecture. I want a kitchen for snacks, a table for my frosty beverages, and enough space to dramatically collapse on the floor like Julia Roberts and something to talk about. And if I'm traveling with friends, it's even better, because then we can all stay together instead of scattered down different hallways in a hotel. And of course, once I start planning one trip, my brain immediately escalates. Suddenly, I'm looking at Carmel next, then Malta, then Hokkaido Island. A little ocean air, some seafood, and maybe even a long walk where I pretend I'm processing something deep, when really I'm just thinking about Russian pop music. Whether it's

one quick spring reset or the beginning of a full warm weather spiral, trips just feel more personal when you book through Airbnb. This episode is sponsored by Squarespace. Hi there, it's me, Cleopatra, Queen of the Nile, Empress of All That is Glamorous, and now the proud founder of Nile Nights, the only luxury perfume line available exclusively at gas stations off California's Interstate 5. Picture this, you're driving from Los Angeles to San Francisco when a pumping gas at the stroke of midnight, a haughtiest pumping gas mere feet away, batting their eyes.

batting their eyes and looking you up and down. It's then that you realize you smell like potato chips and stale farts. You run into the gas station to find something to cover up your road trip stench, and there next to the register is a bottle of our signature scent, sarcophagus silk. Suddenly you smell like a divine ruler who once did bedroom stuff with Julius Caesar and Mark Antony. That is the power of Nile Knights, notes of Jasmine, Murr, and a suspicious hint of desperation. But even a long-dead queen like me needs a new website. That is why I summon Squarespace.

With design intelligence, I didn't simply make a website. I forged a digital empire. It took my royal essence, my dramatic eyeliner, and my extremely specific gas stations distribution model, and turned it into a stunning online presence that screams, yes, this perfume is next to the beef jerky, but it's still luxury as hell. In Squarespace payments, please, my customers can pay with Apple Pay, Clarna and ACH direct debit. I also connected all my social accounts including Instagram, TikTok, my extremely active cat fan page, everything sinks

beautifully so when I post a sultry video whispering, Nile Nights, into the desert wind, the masses cannot resist. In the SEO tools, when someone searches regal fragrance near windshield wiper fluid, Nile Knight appears. I dominate. I conquer, like the queen I am.

So if you two want to sell something at California gas stations or beyond, head to Squarespace. If they're good enough for the Queen of the Nile, they're good enough for you. Head to Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, go Squarespace.com slash bald to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, that's Squarespace.com slash bald. Do you think that Christy Nome is still going to be on the TVs at the airport?

Is it going to be over now? Because she's done so. No, she's probably going to be on. Because normally you walk in, it's 6 a.m. at L.A.X. You get the bone collector being like, if you see something, she's something. Bitch, I see something. I see a lot of things. I see a lot of things. I see a lot of things. If she comes on the screen and I literally a phone rings and it goes seven days. I see your tracks I see your... What about the old pictures of her? I don't...

You know, I haven't... I have to say, I haven't seen. Bring it up, Trace. Bring it up! I have... Also bring up my George Washington haircut from my sister. Google her sister's George Washington haircut

from 1982. No. Thank you. 1987. God. Jesus. Oh yeah, your baby sister. No.

I have had the pleasure of avoiding all videography of Christine Nome at the airport. That's great. Yeah. Huge of true. It is true. That's old Chrissy Homes.

Can you see that? John and K. Plessade hairdo? Isn't that fierce? It is, well, no. Looking like a library admin at a middle school. Speaking of which, let's go back to my point. Okay. Second act, J-Lo, I would go back to school

because ridiculously, if you want to teach high school, or even middle school, if you want to teach like six, seventh grade, you need a master's degree in what you're teaching. That's pretty amazing. It is pretty amazing. It's pretty ridiculous, if you ask me, depending on whatever. But, you know, to teach. How are you going to pay off that?

master's degree as a teacher. Well, see, you don't. That's why I use my first job to pay for my schooling for my second job, which is really just, it's not a cash grab, obviously, because you probably make about, I don't know, 40 grand a year in a, where you live, the cost of living is about 125 grand a year. You know what I mean? Well, I know a lot of teachers who only teach at private schools because they get a huge rebate for their own children going to that school. So even though you may not get paid a crazy amount of money as a teacher, if you get a lot of money, if you get half off tuition. You have three kids.

Are you talking about a university? No, I'm talking like the fancy private, like middle schools and shit. Yeah. If you teach there, your children could go for cheaper. Right. I remember... Chote rosemary. My friend Megan back, and this was in the 90s.

She went to St. Marks, which was in Massachusetts, to the tune of 20 grand a year high school. Now, in the 90s month. Now, $1.6 million. Absolutely. Well, she was... And she got to... You know, I've told the story before. I got to drive her dad's BMW was thrilling.

And I'm... The death ride. Well, no, that was what... Yeah, well, that was something different. Not me remembering your story. Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah. But she... I started the hydroxychloroquine,

and now my brain is just... I'm on it. Well, let's get... And the breast milk with the... And the breast milk. I've been... I was like, what is that? A wind chime?

A breast pump. Okay, James. Oh. What the fuck was that? Ow. Ow. I just hit the lamp with my head. Oh, God.

Oh. I took, Jennifer took me to see a play. Jennifer took me on a date. Jennifer took me to the brod. Oh, not the broad. The brood. Is it called the brood? Well, in Massachusetts, it's busted.

Cambridge is called the brood. It's the brood. Yes, the brood. I love that. Okay. Went to the bro, broad, broad, broad. The brood Institute? Yes.

Giant tables and chairs. I don't know about visual art. Yes, you do. I walked in and was like, that table's big and left. Like, that was it. Wait. Can you give me a little more? The artist does giant tables chairs.

Giant, giant, like standing in the kitchen table. Sculpture? Sculpture? I mean, yeah. Installations? I, it's a nice size. You can go through, I went through the whole, I went through the whole thing in 15 minutes, the whole art museum.

I mean, I power walked through it. I was like, love it, love it, love it, love it, hate it. Yeah, camera, phone, camera, from camera on this guy out of here. They got those little things to read, but I have hobbies. I had to go, right? I'll make up what I think about it. Thank you. Are you subjective.

Thank you. Oh, I'm so nauseous. Okay. And so then we leave and Jennifer takes me to dinner. I go, great, perfect. Tries to bug me. But then she takes me to see here lies love. Follow me here.

Here lies love. Not love lies bleeding. No. It was what lies beneath with Michelle Pfeiffer. No, she takes me to see here lies love, which is a musical play about the Marcos and the rise of Amelda Marcos, the first lady of the Philippines. With the shoes. who ushered in the Marcos regime, which ultimately is like banning free press, curfews.

That's just a kind of thing. And the family is like widely known to have basically bled the country's money into their own bank accounts and has never truly answered for it. Set that to a disco musical. It's a disco EDM musical with a drag queen. Manila? No.

It was a girl from drag race. Who? Google to that. I don't know who is. Manila famously did her in a snatch game. Yes, yes. That's how I knew who she was. So I sit down with Jennifer and Jennifer goes, I want you to go in blind to go, great. So I Google it immediately because I'm like, Jennifer, get real.

I go, Jennifer, is this the Amelda Marcos musical? And she goes, nope, don't, nope, just watch. And it was. I'd never see anything like it. I'm really beautiful. I mean, I've seen a lot of musicals. And, you know, when I was in school, we used to learn about every type of musical. I'd never seen like an EDM, like dance music musical.

The music is produced by Fat Boy Slim, who I love. And so it's a lot of. Sounds like Fat Boy Slim Music. It's about Imelda Marcos being from a small town, being really pretty and hot. And then she gets turned down by this guy for being too tall. She's depressed. She goes to the city. She moves to Manila.

And then I'm not spoiling it because this is historical events. Sure. Then she marries this guy who becomes the president. I forget his first name. Fernando Marcos. They are fabulously wealthy. Bleed the country of money. Which country systems are you?

The Philippines. The Philippines. I've never been. Manila. You've been, right? I've been twice. Oh, Orah Maiari was the queen. And the drag queen role actually was awesome because the drag queen was dressed as Imelda.

She opened the show and kind of was like, we're going to tell this cool story. Then there's moments where Amelda's kind of like reflecting and the drag queen is there with her. And she's like a point of like for Amelda to kind of like notice her where she is. They use the drag queen as a way for like Amelda's nanny to be like to not recognize her anymore. because she's so blown out on money and being powerful. I just would have never a disco ball

the size of the room while they're singing about like the collapse of the Philippines. Like do you think it was not that the Philippines collapsed but it was so fascistic. Do you think it was like would not crave it?

Do you think it was in a, what's the word? Vulgar or like insensitive or something? Do you remember that moment in cabaret when the Nazis have invaded and you have like Sally Bowles singing life as a cabaret? with the Nazi gear on.

And you have the juxtaposition of like, well, somebody putting their head in the sand and partying while it's so awful. There's irony. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's dramatic irony. So the disco ball and like,

like Amelda doing poppers with drag queens and stuff. So there was a dissonance that was intentional. Yes. And then they cut to like the news. And it's a, you know, activist being like, we need to take these people down.

And I went home and watched the documentary about Imelda Marcos. Eventually the whole country came for them in the palace. They flew them out of the country. and they moved to Hawaii because the country is like, we're coming into this palace and we're going to eat you. They January 6th, their palace.

They're in there fucking with her shoes, sitting at her desk, being like, and what bitch? And guess who is the president of the Philippines right now? Pam Bondi. No. Her son, Fernando. Marco, Marcos. Is the president of the Philippines.

And so it was chilling because we're in a second Trump presidency. And it's like, sort of, what I got from it Listen, I've never been to the Philippines. I have to love to go. Mary, I'll let you finish your thought before. The musical portrays the country as obviously so beautiful and cool. The internal, corrupt, financial, political warfare is so shocking. Yeah.

And the disco and the glitz of it made it even more so sickening and absurd. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would say in that sense, it was really effective. And it was, I just like to leave a musical a little happy. And that was like cabaret where you leave and you're like, so should we go lay down? Yeah. I mean, that's why I prefer the Bob Fosse film version of Cabaret to any stage production. Have you seen hair?

No. I have not. The musical hair. Yeah. You don't leave super happy. You leave reflecting and you feel empowered. This left me definitely feeling like, oh my God, America is. Yeah.

We're watching some parallels here. We're living it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now more than ever. Now more than ever. When I went to the Philippines, we went to Manila. and I distinctly recall flying in there over like sort of shantytown-ish-looking neighborhoods like somehow reminiscent of like the favelas in Brazil, like not so so like downtrodden,

but it was a lot of incoming inequality, let's just say, like a lot of glaring income inequality. We get to our hotel. There's armed guards with machine guns everywhere. And it was a lot, it was very different. Yes. Very different. The crowd, I got to say, Mary, the crowd was, I did my little dukees show, and they were so, so supportive. It was like crazy.

It was so fierce. It was so hot. The Filipino drag queens watching you do your dog show. My dog show. I, like, barked and barked, whiff, whiff, and they were just hooped and hollered while I sweated my entire body weight off. It was so hot there. Girl, you know what I just came across? That clip from the live ball to the beautiful in Norway.

When I was in Boston at Jacques and I said, I can't get you got to you used to work here with you hot, hot, gorgeous trans girls. And they said, yeah, estrogen hadn't hit Boston yet. Baby, because I'm telling you, once these, no, I don't mean to be ignorant. I just want people to know, I went home, did a bunch of research on the Philippines,

watched that documentary. And you sold all your shoes. I mean, the Philippines is fucking cool, but learning about like the deep corruption that is like active was like so. I mean, the world is a horrible place. It's a horrible place. People are rotten.

everything sucks and we're all going to hell. Something they said in the documentary is the Marcos regime was so destructive. Thousands of people were killed and stuff. Something they said in the documentary was the school systems haven't even been able to update their textbooks.

So young kids are reading history textbooks that say how great the Marcos regime is. So these young people are like, let's vote for... It's just, yeah. Sounds a little familiar. And where does that sound familiar? But I hope to go to the Philippines someday. Yeah, you will.

I never been to Asia. I've never been to Asia. Okay, I'd be heard you. Just calm down. Everybody's been to Asia. Calm down, calm down. Everybody take a look to your left. Take a deep breath.

100% of those people have been to Asia. Hong Kong is so lit. So expensive. So, Chi Chi DeVame would be like, girl, I go to Hong Kong and three times a year. Yeah. What's wrong with you? No kidding. Well, I suggest, I just want to put this out there.

I would love to return to Hong Kong. I'd love to go back to Singapore. Although the weather's, little challenging. It's about 85 degrees all year round with 100% humidity. Okay, I don't know if I can go to the Philippines now. No, no, that's Singapore.

That's Singapore. Okay. But baby, I'm not joking. So when I got, and I'm going to tell you, because Singapore had a, basically if you got caught with drugs, they'd kill you. Okay.

That's, that's tea. Singapore has a very fierce no drug policy. So she was stone cold sober when she was there. Like, down. Damn. And Diva down. We got a more of you to Singapore.

Yeah. But so the point is I'm there. I'll kill you here if that helps. I'm there, not a goofball in sight. Eating what? Eating Eminem's? Yeah. I'm just,

yes. You know what I mean? Red Bull? Yes. I remember it was in Singapore when the episode three of the last season of Game of Thrones dropped. I'm circling my laptop like a freak because I'm just on edge. And because I couldn't go outside for not even a minute to smoke a cigarette.

Because it was too hot. Baby, doll. was so hot and humid. And my friend Eugene... They probably have great skin, though. That humidity is good for the skin. Mama. Moisture.

Yeah. It was like everybody's glistening going out to beat a sweat on those native residents, including my friend Eugene, who is fiercely and famously over 300 pounds. Fierce. Yeah. Who's the drag queen's name is Ani, Ari?

Oramai Rai? She ate. The voice. Sickening. The look. She was so good. And having a drag queen dressed as Amelda, introducing it almost like,

we're going to have a really celebrate. fun disco show. The bait and switch was so effective. When by the end of it, you're just like, I mean, it ends with this activist, like toward the end, getting shot on stage.

And a shooting and a play always, like when I saw, Abraham Lincoln. It's just... It's very Abraham Lincoln. Well, it's different than Oh, Mary's shooting on stage was just hilarious.

Yeah, that was very different. Actually, I thought that was very disturbing. Oh, okay. Wait, wait. But I just wanted to say, she was so good and so great. And, uh, I don't want to stare at it.

type, but they make this joke in the beginning about, like, what do all Filipinos love? Karaoke. It's an all Filipino cast. Some of the best live singing I've ever heard in my fucking life. Oh, really? Unbelievable. Like, you would have swore, because it's EDM, you would have swore their lip syncing. It was like a drag show, but it was like, no, they're singing.

Some of the best singing. And the male leads, the two male leads, hot. Hot, sexy. Very hot. Well, thank God. Because I don't go to the theater to watch a bunch of dogs. Thank you.

A bunch of dogs, like, trotting around barking. I saw this TikTok. There was this girl being like, um, This goal being like, Hollywood needs to stop putting attractive people on screen. And they need to stop like getting like Timothy Shalame in the makeup chair to add acne and then call them ugly on screen. Damn. She was like, I have acne. Hire me.

I wear glasses. Yeah. I can't take them off. I'm not saying I need more ugly people, but I don't long for hotness on screen. I don't care. I don't care. Well, that is where you and I differ, young lady, because I don't go to the movies to watch this dog from down the street because I can just walk down the street and see her. A beauty subjective.

That's true. So what are you going to do? Hope every movie caters to your idea of beauty? They do. Just like a white man. No, I got plenty of ideas. Just like a white man. Exactly. I got plenty of ideas of voices. I got plenty of ideas of beauty. This episode is in partnership with Airbnb. I just got back from Vancouver, which is one of those beautiful Canadian cities that makes you feel like you wandered into a luxury skincare commercial. Everywhere I looked, there was pure natural beauty. Water, mountains, little boats, chic people in expensive knitware, pretending not to be freezing. For a few glorious days, I stayed in a gorgeous home on Airbnb, complete with a view to die for, a massive chef's kitchen and gleaming bathrooms that I wanted to live in full time. After a restful night of sleep in this perfectly located home, I dare say I became the kind of person who goes on scenic walks for pleasure.

But while I was off in Vancouver, my place back home was just sitting there empty and dark like an abandoned shopping mall. And that got me thinking about hosting on Airbnb. While I'm away having a glamorous little reset and pretending I'm outdoorsy, because I stood near a tree for 15 minutes, I could be hosting my home on Airbnb and earning a little extra to help with my summer travel plans. There's something very comforting about knowing your house is not just sitting there empty

while you're off testing out a different personality in another city. I love the idea of hosting on Airbnb because it can help you put your space to work while you start plotting your next escape. Maybe that extra income helps pay for a future trip, or maybe it goes toward fixing my guest room toilet that might be haunted. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host.

Hey, I'm Mike Barronholz. On my new show, funny you ask, trivia starts the conversation, and then things immediately go off the rails. I ask a question. My guests think they know the answer. Sometimes they do. More often, they do not. And then the conversation takes a turn.

One trivia question turns into stories about career highs, painful bombs, and behind-the-scenes moments that probably should have remained private. You'll hear confidence, misplace confidence, bold guesses, wrong answers, quick laughs, and the slow realization that maybe this was a bad idea to say out loud. If you like smart comedy, sharp conversations, and trivia that exists purely to melt people's brains, this is Funny You Ask with me, Ike Barrenholz. Follow Funny You Ask with Ike Barrenholz on Spotify, Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Hi, I'm Eric Voss from New Rock Stars.

And if you want to know what's coming up next from the MCU, you should listen to the Sneak Peak, hosted by myself and Jessica Clemens. Sneak Peak is your one-stop shop for keeping up with Kevin Feigy and his brain trust of nerd producers. It's a weekly roundup of all the most important Marvel news so that you can start getting excited about the MCU's next big movie or series before there's even a trailer out. What should we expect? Not just from this bays or saga, but the next one too. Part of the fun of the Marvel Cinematic Universe is being excited about the next chapter, and that excitement is exactly why we make Snake Peak. free on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. If you can see it, it was very effective.

I would love to go see it, but I would love. Very little talking, almost all singing. Okay, now I'm not going to go. But EDM. No, no. Early dog music? Apparently, I looked it up in the New York rendition of it. There was a standing room pit.

Like, the show is like a party. So it's a party time. But then it gets so political and so effective. You leave very rattled. I left rattled. You know what I think, very rattled? I would love to go. I would also love for you and I to go to London.

to do a show only so that we can see Catherine Tate in O'Mary. O'Mary, oh, Mary, yeah. Well, Kathleen, well, Rosemary. Will you be marching on Sunday with us, Rosemary? I will show the bastards. She is going to fucking, she's going to beat that bitch with a bat.

I'm talking about the role. You could play O'Mary. I could never. Can I say this? I could never. Everybody shut up. I could never. I could never.

But you're not saying it. I'm saying it. Okay. You don't think that you could play an active addict who has a flare for performing in a bad wig. I could do it once and I would, I would have six years to memorize it. Yeah, as long as I had six years. I need cold and go, you can't do it.

You can't do it. And then I would, uh, what if you play her and I could play the teacher? Mary, wouldn't that be fun? It would always say like, it would be the one thing I wouldn't have to get past is calling everybody Mary. Right. Although you are married. My favorite part is when she's, uh, puking in the bucket.

That's what I was going to say. That's my favorite part too. And she drinks it. Yes. And it drinks it. I, I, yeah,

so I, it's just funny. I was thinking about that the other day and I had a dream that I was like up for casting and I was up against like me. It was like me, Michelle Pfeiffer and Sharon Stone and all these other gorgeous blonde actresses like me. And we were all concerned with the brown wig. That was our number one concern.

It was like, I'd love to see that way. I can do the role. Of course we all can do the role. We're all talented actresses, seasoned actresses award winning. But we just don't want to do the brown wig. Right.

So we all left. Isn't that funny? I don't disagree. It's a horribly ugly wig. Whenever I get on something, like, when I did English teacher and they're like, your characters, what was my character's name? Shazam. And I was like, have you guys said anything about the look?

What about a blonde wig? And what about exactly my normal makeup? Okay, great. Perfect. It's like, oh, she's an old show girl. She's like a, she's like a drag queen who's been around the block. I was like, okay, but I've seen those girls. Yeah.

I'm not doing that. Okay. You don't want me to do that. Cole is, Col is face. They can do. I mean, so beautiful. Yeah. We've talked about this.

We will continue to talk about this. I will continue to grind this axe until my last bitter breath is wheezed from my body. They have a face that is so perfect for any type of wig. Yeah. And it's true. And a demi-brown lash. Yeah.

Just a smear of chapstick. Maybe a dot of blush. And a twinkle in their eye. And it's a woman. They were in, they were in David Silver's movie. Please, baby, please. Please, baby, please.

And even in that, they had them in like kind of campy club shit. Still eight. They're singing in like a phone booth and it's all beautifully lit. And that was the grabber too. Yeah. They hated that. The ghost of the graver. The ghostly grabber.

Black phone? Yeah, yeah. Two? Horrible. Grabber on ice. The Christian propaganda. Ghost on ice. Well, if you don't want the grabber's ghost to get you, you need to embrace Jesus Christ.

That was such a bait and switch. If like the Gladys origin story comes out and it's really just about embracing God, I'll lose it. I'll lose it too. And you know what else? I'm so happy for Amy Madigan, of course. Why can't we? Why?

Why was it outside the realm of possibility for Tony Collette and hereditary to receive a professional accolade in that way? No, no, right. And I'm not taken away from Amy Madigan. No, I think you deserve it. Yeah, yeah. But don't you think that's going to open the door in the future? I want it because I have a lot of retroactive. I have like Vanguard,

female Oscars that I need to give out, starting with Neff Campbell. Yeah. And then over to Tony Colette and Reda Terry. Yeah. Then to Demi Moore. In Charlie's Angels. Charlie's Angels too. Yes.

I love that scene where she's like, I wasn't good. I was great. And shoots the speaker with the body. Her entrance on the beach in that movie. That's a woman who... Please, Baby, Please. She has this long monologue. It's really cool.

She has this wig with... If anybody hasn't seen Please Baby Please. Artsy film. Everybody. Wacky, artsy film. But very good. I would love to see it. I would love to see it.

So back to my second act, Jay-Lo. I always wanted to be a French teacher. But I knew, and I knew, and I know, and I was right, that if I, like many teachers out of, so you go to college, maybe you do two years of master's at grad school, and then you go try to do your teachers and whatever. Oh, yeah, because it's grad school and some kind of teaching certification, right?

Teaching certification, and then there's, like, student teaching. Did you know to be a sub? You'll need an undergrad? I'm sure that's, I'm sure you need a PhD in several subjects now. We should do that show, Celebrity Sub. Joe Celebrity Substitute. No, there's a TV show called Celebrity Substitute where they have like Ed Shearinggo be a substitute teacher.

You and I could do it. We could. I mean, you could. I'm not famous enough. And I'm so poor. They would say, get out of here. You're not, it's not that you're not famous enough. You're not famous at all.

But I am and I can help you. Thank you. That's my problem. Okay. No, I would, um, I would want to be like Viola Swamp if I was a sub. But what I really would love is like, I mean, in the old Mary Wig. Backwards.

I want the buns to be like here. in here. Yes. No. At 28, I could not have been a teacher. I could not have had someone the confidence or build up the wall to tell kids to shut the fuck up and sit down. You motherfucker. I know you can't swear like that, but that's the energy and that's the authoritative tone you need to get them to sit down and stop saying six plus seven, TikTok, Snapchat. C-s-s-s-s-sit. C-sets. C-plus-Set, yeah. Yeah. But now I think I'd rather teach Russian. But, okay. Okay. So can I, will you please indulge me in a very small exercise?

Yeah, no, it's good. I'm nauseous. I don't want to talk. Okay, great. So it's a repeat after me. I was looking at, so you know how a lot of people like scroll at night? They look through porn or whatever on the phone and the toilet. Yeah, yada, yada, yada.

I've been looking at old church Slavonic script, which is like the, the precursor to the Cyrillic alphabet. It was like derived from Greek and it was like with the old monks and the orthodox. the um they transcribed the bible and shit so cunty so squiggly so lovely um but i thought um i could i wanted just do a call in response of the russian alphabet with you just to practice and see if i could be a try king name russian alphabet call in response call in response it just came to me anybody can have that that's great take it take it take it you bitch somebody's gonna comment i actually name that well i didn't know well seara missed sorry 2015 pull up the tweet Seromist.

I, no, I said it, and now there is one. I thought of RuPaul. I got to show you this. While you looked that up, I got to show you this drag king that I'm obsessed with. Okay. The drag king's name is Milkman. Milkman. You've been fucking the milkman.

Girl, when I show you this milkman. Now that's, that's a high school teacher. Look it. That's what you need. Can you believe? I, that's fierce. Look at this. That's the kind of energy you need to teach those kids.

That's the kind of energy I need for my drag kings. Married, that's tea. I want weird. Look at, like, look at the makeup. They're using Pam Bondi's breast pump. But that's, that's really great, though. Zoom in on Cam B, whatever my camera is. Look at this.

I'm sorry. That's fierce. That's actually, that's incredibly fierce. If this thing walked into precinct. Yeah, it would be curtains for everybody. I would become one of those, like, those drunk straight girls who just wanders on stage and starts dancing. What's with that? Well, there, I don't want to stereotype.

No, it's their day. I don't want to say it's their day. But if we're talking bachelor parties, it's their day. Didn't you know that? It's their night. It's their night and you are all victims of their joy. I want to retract my statement. What's with people getting on stage at a drag show?

Okay. Yeah. Well, they want to be the star. They say, they look at you. And I know that the drag isn't good, but don't get up there. No, don't get up there and try to, it's not your time. There's an order to things. There's a process.

There's a process. Okay, so repeat after me. This is a Russian alphabet. Ah. A. B. B. V.

V. G. Gah. The. Yeah. Yeah. Yo, yo, J,

Z, Z, Z, Z, E, I, I, I, K, K, L,

B, M. I'm trying. No, no, you know, you're just going, I'm trying, I'm trying, L, L, M,

M, N, O, O, P, T, R, S, S, T, U, U, V,

Th, T, H, C. I'm fucking trying. I'm fucking trying. I've never heard these before. No, no, no, no, I know, I know.

I'm really trying. It's fierce. I love it. Okay. Tsah. Thah. It's se. Seah.

Seah. Sa. Sa. Like pizza. Seah. Sa. Sa. I'm trying.

Cha. Cha. Chah. Sh. Sh. Those are the letters? Yeah. So there's shh.

And shh. Okay. And then. Ui. And then. Uh, uh, you, you, yeah. Yeah. Not fun.

Hard. So it's weird. So, if I'm on, I'm in my car and I'm talking to bullshit fucking bitch Siri. And I'm, because I, you know what, I don't like to like fumble with the phone while I drive. You're very responsible driver. Eyes on the road. Smoking cigarettes. And then.

Can you smoke in the car now? Well, no, I'm telling you, while I have been, listen, full disclosure, I'm not a liar. Oh, I try not to lie. That's a lie. I have been smoking a little bit. As you can attest to, can you smell my shitty body. I smoke a lot less. That's for sure.

I mean, a lot, lot less. And the ex-program never hired me to quit, and that was the condition of our arrangement. They're realistic. They know I'm going to lie and cheat and be a bitch or whatever. But I smoke at, like, I went from 35 or 25 to 35 to 30 cigarettes a day down to, you know, sometimes zero, sometimes 10. But in the car, I have a hard time giving it up. A lot of people have told me that before. The driving, smoking is a big thing for people.

And I used to find, I used to think that. What do you think that is? I used to find it fucking repulsive because smoking, as a person who used to smoke. Oh, baby. You have to stop. Baby, I know. The car's going to smell. But get into this.

You give me ride sometimes. Mama, I don't give anybody. I give, listen, I used to smoke in my house, in my apartment. And I was not aware of the fact of how nasty the cat's ass smell that was permeated on every fabric, a piece of wall, everything in there. It was truly vile. You go to a house for a hookup and they, you. No, no, no, no, no. If you go to your guys house for a hookup and they haven't told you they smoke.

No, no, no, it's a non-starter. It's a non-starter. You can't do it. You can't, a non-smoker can not have sex. I'd another fuck a shorthy. No, you can't smoke. You can't have sex or kiss a smoker when you're a non-smoker. And then the smokings.

But so, wait, what the fuck was the, but God's the end of point? You were talking about smoking in the car and smoking indoors. We were talking about smoking and driving. What's the correlation? Oh, it's... My best friend, one of my best friend is Jenny in high school. Yeah. She told me, oh, I'm trying to stop smoking, but I'm driving.

That's what I'm driving. It's, well, so there's two things in the car that are absolutely essential for me to get into it and drive the car. Access to all, no, access to all of the songs that I need to listen to or want to listen to. That is non-negotiable. That's number one. I cannot like my mother, drive in complete silence, focused on the road, alone with her thoughts. It is diabolical, serial killer behavior. Enviable, but I can't relate.

She doesn't listen to music. She's never listened to music. She certainly doesn't do it in the car. She drives quietly, carefully, on the road. I can't. I have to blast music. I have to sing it loudly.

My boyfriend goes for 10 mile walks. No music. That to me is... The killer. Just staring into space. Mary, if I had... When I go missing... Baby, if I'm leaving the...

Like, if I have to go 40 feet outside without my headphones, I start to unravel. Girl, can I tell you? Please. We keep talking about how the AirPods get lost because you drop them

and they fly into space. So I had to buy new headphones. Now I got the Gen 4 AirPods, even smaller case. And I will say, the magnets are stronger. Imagine the grip. The magnets are stronger.

Oh, are they really? So I think like they're in there better. Do you know what I think you need to do? I think this may be able to compromise the mechanism of the actual thing. But you know how they have like chalk spray paint where like you can spray a surface and it becomes a chalkboard? Understood.

Yes. What about a grip? A grippy kind of spray or a grippy kind of like, like a textured kind of You know what I'm talking about? I could see that, yes. Like basically turn them into Put AstroTurf on them.

Well, I mean, realistically, every time you close it, you can just put like a rubber band around it. Like, there's a lot of things you could do. That doesn't work because it's going to slide right off.

Not rubber. Rubber band? With those oily, nasty, slippery slick head... I don't know. Call in. If anybody from the Genius Bar, Apple wants to call in.

Well, I'd recently traded in my AirPods Maxes for another brand, which I don't really work like that. I can't live. that giant over-the-ear headphone life. No, no, no, no, this is just, this is for the plane, this is for the studio. Understood. Yeah.

The exercising, the wet, sweaty ears. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Nasty. Nasty. Nasty. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, um, uh, yeah, so I, I, but I'm not going to, we're not sponsored by the brand,

so I won't mention it, but I'll let me tell you, that noise cancelling, I love it. I love it so much. Yeah. Yeah. The new Apple headphones have, like a, I don't like, Okay, earbuds, tiny earbuds. I don't like the kind that plug your ear. I don't like the feeling of a plug.

Yes. Where when I answer a phone call, it sounds like I'm underwater. Okay. I hate that. Yeah. I like the AirPods because it's like the sound of the room comes through. It's not a plug. Well, you can do three different.

And you can turn on the noise cancelling. So your ears don't feel plugged and you feel noise canceled. I really like that. Well, you have the three different, you've got immersive, you've got noise canceling. Yes. I do like that. I do like that. with the over the head things.

However, when I'm producing music on the plane and stuff, I have to use corded headphones because when you're trying to make music, the little bit of a delay from Bluetooth, it makes it impossible. So I do travel with like a good old-fashioned these. I actually really love these. I do too.

And these are very similar to the ones that I have purchased and maybe guess what they are corded up plugged in? Tuned in, tapped and turned on. Are you corded? Are your nipples corded? Are you tuned in, tapped in turned on? I'm James cordon. Oh, horrible

Is he still going on? I hope not. Horrible. He was big for a while. They were like, No, no, he was huge. Every channel was him. Yeah, doing a carpool karaoke.

Eat shit, James Corden. I don't care for him. Oh, that's too mean. He's not Pam Bondi. Fuck him. Who cares? Okay, thank you. And when Anna Winterer doing her little

boo-boo like, this is my office, Be Afraid of Me To Wharf with Vogue. Her unrehearsed, 73 questions. Her favorite comedian was James Corden. I was like, kick her out of the office. Kick her right out of the office. Kick her out of the office.

Boop. Mine might be Maria, but I love Dana Gold as well. Maria who? Bampford. The female comedian? Yeah. A hundred percent. But I love Dana Gold, too. That bitch.

Danny Gold is fun. Robbie Hoffman. You were telling me about the... Robbie eats. Robbie eats. Robbie said, Robbie was doing this bit. You white girl from Brooklyn with a boyfriend. Yeah.

You can't take these backsies. Robbie, I saw Robbie, I saw Robbie at the Emmys. I said, Robbie, just so you know, like, I tell everybody you're my boyfriend. And they were like, that's cool. I was like, great. Perfect. I was like, ever since I I told people, you're my boyfriend. I forgot to tell you. It's fine. Sorry. That's fine. You're my boyfriend, though. Yeah. They had lost their Emmy nomination. They were, dejected. Yeah. No. They were really cool about it. Okay. And they were just back there like, it's okay. It sucks though. But it's okay. And I was like, that is it. Yeah. I think, and you know. Yeah. Especially if you go to the trouble of going to the

ceremony, you know, you have to wait in line, you have to get all fluffed up and stuff. Yeah. But the next Emmys, the cage match between Ms. Kudrow and Ms. Smart is going to be deep, vicious, and... Well, and us. Polymarket. I know, because we're going to be in their respective corners. No, we're best guest stars.

Yes. And we're also going to, when the cage match, we're going to be giving them the water, making them doing the ice on the chin. Oh, we're the... Yes. Or it's like, Greece. They're like doing a sing fight and we're like, tell me about it. Yeah.

Throwing daggers and shit. Yeah. Oh, my God. Did I tell you this backstage at the Emmys where I presented with Kelly? cliffhanger Yes Come on, A cliffhanger

Come on drunk girl Why don't you tell me Next episode Oh But this is a little wrap At the end Little wrap at the end Okay, I'll tell you next episode

Oh okay You're right You're right I love a cliffhanger I know that Mr. Man You think I'm stupid Well tune in If you want to hear

The riveting The riveting The riveting The Riveting Clifhanging Well now that people know I'm on the comeback I can tell you

The rest The Mollenacherman story Oh, baby. All right. Stay tuned and tapping in and turned on. Wiggy. Wiggy small. See you next time.