The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - An X-Rated X-Ray with Trixie and Cyborg Katya

Episode Date: May 23, 2023

We have the technology. We can make her better than she was. Better, stronger, faster. Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our latest book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Learn more at Amex.ca. Um, I am in drag. I was just going to say, let's address the teeny, tiny little baby elephant in the room. The drag is on. Well, you know, with you taking, what do you call it? A gratuitous leave of absence for no reason? Flagrant disregard for work is what I like to.

Exactly. I thought I would take this opportunity to, you know, just remind everyone that I'm fucking gorgeous. You like teal eyeshadow? I do. I love it. Love it.

I particularly love the way you applied it to your eyes, Miss Mattel. Oh, God. Thank you. You know what, though? I used a highlighter, a pink highlighter as a blush. I was like, I'm going to switch it up. What do you mean a highlighter? No pigment, all texture. Like a pen? No, like a powder shimmery highlighter. Oh, okay.

I was like, I'm going to use it as blush. Instant texture. I was just like, okay, let's powder over that. I had to fix it all. Let me see what's going on texture-wise in your face. You're looking very smooth and lovely. Am I really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, wow. You don't look like Sandpaper City. No, the foundation looks good, right? Yeah, it looks fabulous. This is Urban Decay, the Quickie. It's a concealer used as foundation. And I can tell you have not sweated a drop. I have not.

Yes. Dry matte t-shirt. We actually, for once once have a lot to talk about and i'm thrilled because i'm so sick of talking about the weather bitch last podcast we went through a list of we went through a list of drag outfits and said what we liked yeah we we oh my god low talk about low hanging fruit low hanging fruit that's been ripened and rotted on the ground will you you please put my sock on? Speaking of which, low hanging fruit. Yeah, what's going on there?

So I can't, I don't have like great flexion in my, I just can't put on my right foot. And I have to hold it up a little bit. Oh yeah. This is the leg. This is the leg. I saw you six days ago. Yeah. And you could barely stand.

Remember I came to your house? Oh yeah, you did. I was. But to your house oh yeah you did i was but you were like no no that was like that was like four days out oh yeah maybe it has been that long it's gonna hurt your place okay can i just oh no no no yeah if you get the okay oh my god you see how gray my ankle is you love that love it thank you very much i think I can get it from there yeah yeah yeah dry fit baby oh I love it look at the Irish

oh thank you so much now would you have digitally extracted my feces because this part I can do oh thank you can I have that

isn't that great I just want I just want to shout out this is wacky wacko I have several I love this towel I got the beach towel too it's amazing Seth Bogart incredible artist love him friend of the show Shout out. This is wacky wacko. I have several. I love this towel. I got the beach towel too.

It's amazing. Seth Bogart, incredible artist. Love him. Friend of the show. Friend of the pod. I see you maybe two days after the surge. Yes. Now we are affectionately calling your surgery, your bottom surgery. Bottom surgery, yeah.

Because it happened below the waist. Yes. Yeah. Anterior total arthroplasty on the right side. Whoa. Yeah. Okay. So I see you two days after and you're a bitch i kind of thought you would be on pain pills like no they gave me fucking bullshit tramadol now what tramadol tramadol for the doll it's not for the doll it's trauma for the doll It's trauma for the doll Right

Because there's no pain relief whatsoever I'm on a whole cocktail It's like they took a big trail mix And said here Yeah Wash this down with some ginger ale You'll be fine Right

It's not great But the procedure these days Is so lovely So streamlined And never mind the fact That my surgeon continues To be the most sexually attractive man In my I would Why would that have changed do you think he would wake up from anesthesia and he would be like you never know he could be old man winter anything could happen you

don't you're not alive right well it happens you're alive um you're not conscious yes um i don't want you to get naked but i saw the legs they do the sutures under the skin it literally looks like you know that you showed it to me I Got to show you again. You must have been on pain meds when I was at your house Yeah, this is fierce. It really looks like nothing happened You do if I pull my pants down I had no genitals whatsoever. No, what if you look at it? No, this is what I want What if I you're like?

Let me show you my scar and you put on your pants and you are purple dick rock hard. And you just don't mention it. Throbbing. Throbbing. Visibly like throbbing. Heartbeat in the dick. Don't worry about that. I went to my family.

Yeah. Whoa. It really looks like nothing. Can you see that in camera two? How do they do? I mean, I guess Modern medicine Look at that It's just a little dirt

Wow Pretty good How much was it Can I ask It was with my Wonderful Blue Cross Health insurance All things

With my cane Yes Four dollars Four fifty That's a good deal It's a great deal It's a must Five thousand dollars still

It was still five thousand dollars deductible and all that stuff i know the anesthesiologist had his own little racket going on you oh mama the anesthesia is more expensive than the anesthesia bieberhausen yeah i was like while i'm in the hospital i should make the most of it myself piss myself start screaming give the whole full english right i mean oh totally yeah how was the food at the hospital i liked it yeah honestly i liked it these people griping about like bad hot bad hospital food must have i don't know they must live with gordon ramsay and also the food i get at the hospital is better than the food i get at home also mary the hospital

is not a place for to really exercise your gourmand side you know what i mean it's like bacchanal in Vegas. Well, I had my spleen removed, but that pate was rotten. Come on. So what have you got to tell me about? Okay. So I'm really happy you're healing so well. Yeah.

Put that away. It's not that type of pod. Sometimes dead is better. Yeah. Well, since I saw you, I, in no shock, was in drag almost every day. I had Stagecoach Festival friday and a half ago now i cannot get out of my mind the fact that you're not performing in the back of a covered wagon well it was almost dr quinn medicine woman medicine whoa man um so it's hot i'm there all day i get to meet melissa etheridge i'm thrilled

i saw the photo that's she looks great by the way yeah i go oh my god she's on the same stage as me but she's way later in the day i wonder i said i just have to if i get a chance i'm driving by a golf cart and i see her and i yell stop and i knew she only had a second she was obviously going somewhere but i thought if not now when is she gonna finger bang you right did she say hi yes and i said hi i don't know if you know me i said i'm playing the same stages you let her my But I thought if not now, when is she going to finger bang you? Right. Did she say hi? Yes. And I said, hi, I don't know if you know me. I said, I'm playing the same stage as you. Later my name is Trixie Mattel and I love you so much.

And she was like, oh yeah, you always talk about me in interviews. And she gave me a big hug. And I just was like, I don't want to embarrass you, but your album, Yes I Am, when I was 13, I literally started playing guitar, listening to your albums, copying you. That is so sweet. You're like, I don't know if this is untoward or inappropriate, but could you please put three fingers in my hole right now? I don't want to ask for a lot, but could you just sing Come to My Window

really quick? Could you come in my window? Would you come in my window? Meaning, most gay guys call their asshole their window, right? French doors for me. My window of opportunity. French doors? For some of my friends. My panic room. Have you ever seen Panic Room?

I have. Forrest Whitaker, Jodie Foster, Kristen doors for some of my panic room have you ever seen panic room i force whittaker jodie foster kristin stewart guess who was supposed to be um uh uh jodie foster nikki kidman yes i knew that you knew that story that riveting story that stars that uh kristin stewart stuff which makes a lot of sense it makes a lot of sense because jodie foster seemed really unprepared in that movie i'm just kidding. She was great. Of course. She, I think Nicole Kidman and Jodie Foster, they really got some star power. Yeah. I think things are going to happen for those kids.

So I got to tell you what else. There's the festival. How was it? Well, you know, the show starts with five costumes. We got the look. Oh, you did that one. Oh my God. What is wrong with you?

Why do you work so hard? It's 11 o'clock at night, 1120 at night, and it's still 87 degrees. It's the desert, Mary. It's still 87 degrees. I'm in there and I'm like, fuck. The music starts, my left ear goes out. First thing. Deaf.

This one, no sound. Left ear out. Because, you know, I wear those in-ears that block your ears entirely. So all I can hear is this ear. Oh my God. So it completely renders you deaf. i go we have to stop but the show has to be done in 40 minutes or they pull the power they warned me they said we will literally pull the music if you're going love that pull they yank it right out of the wall yes so i go i guess i'll just go on so for the whole show only

had one ear which was mama come on you have to you summon the power of love you summon the power of you think about the struggle in your life and you picture like that moment you're just gonna let go yeah so i just did what i could i mean i heard 50 of the music and i just hope for the best and there you go and then the next day i had to get up and drag and do some stuff 102 degrees that day in indio i was in drag in the daytime why would now why were you in drag in the daytime it was for a brand activation which i can't say but i was like i love you guys i love this brand i love this product i'm a team player and i was like i love you guys it's it's not that i don't want to do a good job but in 20 minutes it's just that i can't it's over yeah i said so i'm going to be as like focused as i can because

once i start sweating yeah we're it's ruined we can't go anymore i love that but i had the whole thing under 30 minutes. And I was like, thank God. Damn. Then I went over to the Trixie Motel. And everybody who worked on the show at the festival, we all had like a little kiki. And then for two days at the motel, we had two pool parties. I waited cocktail serving for both.

Tray, little computer. Now, last time I served tables, we had a pad of paper and a pencil you graduated onto an ipad they had little um devices where you key in and you can order yourself order the drinks and then by the time you go get them they're already made because you don't have to run a piece of paper to them what did the what will they think of next it was so crazy we had this drag queen called page matthews which is the name of rose mcgowan's character in charmed okay i was gonna say is it okay and she at the end of her last number it's mind you it's 102 degrees in palm springs people are doing numbers she did four at the end of the

last number she jumps in the pool oh the audience is in the pool everyone's in the pool screaming she's lip-syncing in the pool it was so magical makeup pool screaming. She's lip syncing in the pool. It was so magical. Makeup. Oh, she's great. She's young. You should give her a little cleaning fee. I'm sure we host her off, you know, but she looked so good wet, which not all of us can boast that. I don't know. I think I look pretty ravishing with a wet, straight, flat wig over my 45 year old face.

Well, all these baby queens are in human units. So they're like oh my god my hair's wet you know what I mean it's crazy if I get wet I've been in that pool before yeah

there's deleted footage from Trixie Motel you look like an embryo out of a dinosaur woman or something someone left the cake out in the rain it's in my cake

yeah it's a fetus yeah it's bad it's a honey bun from prison ooh um but I got in that pool once and-

And drank. Yes. And I was wearing a gown and you can't kick your legs and we have a deep end. Love it. And I almost drowned. There's footage from filming Trixie Motel of me- Love. Submerged, just up to poking out of the water, waving help.

Nobody helping you. No one, people laughing. I hear through the ocean, not the ocean, the pool. I hear through the ocean. Not the ocean. The pool. I hear through the water, on the outside of the water, people laughing. Like, oh, you. You're doing a bit. And I remember thinking, I'm going to drown on this show.

You should have drowned out of spite. Because that would have really learned. Like, y'all would really fucking appreciate what's going to happen when I'm gone. Well, I talked to that stupid thing about the strawberry patch underneath the deep end of the pool. What is the strawberry patch? I went to my brother's friend's pool when we were young and they said,

hey, you know, this pool was built over a strawberry patch. If you go down the deep end, you can smell it. Tried to kill you. Tried to kill me. And I did go down there and smell it. No, you didn't. I absolutely 100 fucking% did. And then they pulled my pants down and did point their fingers at my weenie and butt. Oh my God.

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procedure it's all about the procedure well they say that about plastic surgery now you're gonna want the other one oh Barry let me tell you something. This horrible, even when you have all the money in the world, which I don't, but I have some. I don't have to worry about medical debt. Let's say that. Right. Okay. That's a big thing. Which in America means filthy rich.

Honey, sweetie, darling. Yes. I talked to this woman at the yard sale the other day who's like solidly middle class. She's like, I can't afford it right now. Can't afford it right now. like solidly middle class she's like i can't afford it right now can't afford it right now anyway so they it was just like i think the most troubling thing was quitting smoking that was the most troubling worse than the surgery oh yeah well i mean i'm not doing the surgery i just lay down and you know yeah but then then the freeloader i i listen get involved well i had

i had written a note to the anesthesiologist please fuck me while i'm down you wrote on your body i wrote it on the inside of that wait did they do the thing while you're awake that they're like this leg right and they mark it oh yeah yeah mark that's so crazy all that standing between them opening up the wrong leg is a little magic marker and also like it was like i was like is there some it's where are we making precise markings no it's all done on computers bitch computers he's looking at the computer screen like you doing twitch so he's not like touching you no he's like he's like you on twitch he's got a video gaming yeah he's got a whole like crowd of people's raising money it's like

crazy he's like hey guys it's me welcome back to my channel today into this bag we're gonna do something a little different we're gonna do something a little different we're gonna replace this fucking faggot's hip so that's why everybody i've told about it is like why is she getting a hip replacement she's so young so it's kind of interesting because i've never thought of you as young mostly because you're old i know i know but now that you get a hip replacement everyone's like but she's so young i I had to shop around. I had to shop around. That is very true.

This last doctor, who I will not mention the name, he wouldn't give it to me because I was too young. And he said, you're in the waiting room. And I was like, what is this waiting room? He's like, where you're not feeling enough pain yet. I was like, okay, do you want to stab me? I'll stab myself. Look. Bone on bone.

It's like, Mary, just operateary just operate what's it what's the difference what's the difference bones and all so anyways um but it's that's all set in the the bummer is i got to use this cane for just a little bit and then i have the walker mommy you should see me the walk no i saw where'd you get the tennis balls from the tennis factory i think it's funny that with how many people use walkers, people are living longer than ever. We haven't figured out technology beyond a yellow tennis ball. No. And they don't even provide them.

They don't provide them. They give you this walker. You have to assemble it or whatever. And I'm like, something's missing here. I was like, oh yeah, go grab some tennis balls. I was like, go grab some tennis balls. What, at CVS? You think I live in Dick's Sporting Goods? Hello, thank you. It was like, it's so bizarre balls. What, at CVS? You think I live in Dick's Sporting Goods?

Hello, thank you. It was like so bizarre. That is, yeah, why? Rain jackets, umbrellas. These technologies need to be streamlined. Tennis balls on walkers, mobility. Yeah, why are we still doing tennis balls? That seems like, well, this is a new thing.

So we'll just use tennis balls for now. Decades later, we've got Martina Navratilova. She's about to use tennis balls on her walker. Yeah got martina navratilova she's about to use tennis balls on her walker yeah well why are we still using um tampons well i'm using tampons oh that's for a different reason that's the question why are you still using tampon i can't cross my legs thank god i'm sick of seeing it looks like two 7-eleven chicken wings crossed over each other the last two under the glass. Oh, there's pain. There's pain, Mary.

I watched Eat, Pray, Love this morning and I cried. Ooh, fuck. I just, oh yeah, baby. I have more exciting news. Okay, tell me. I went to Mexico for the first time. Arriba d'erci.

That's Italian. I've never been. Did you love it? Mexico City. No, I went to Puerto Vallarta. Oh, for the wedding. For the wedding. Yeah.

And I received a call from you and I won't repeat what you said, but it was very funny. Yeah, I just, I don't. Well, the thing is, I've been to one Mexican city for three days. So I'm only an expert at three days in one city, staying at one resort at once. The whole country. But I felt shocked by many things. The number of times

I was propositioned for the receiving end of sex work. You're a PV though, right? The number of times I was Molly Ecstasy. Molly Ecstasy.

PV. Somebody said wild weed. I said, I don't even know what that is. Spice probably. Do you know what spice is? Yeah.

Synthetic weed. Yeah, bitch. Yeah. Spice zombies. Spice girls. They thought I was a spice girl they wanted to sell me scary spice that is scary spice why isn't the media caught on to this kind of pun

stuff to generate the hysteria anyways they could use a picture of melby next to some like cartoon uh like clip art of weed or like that um uh dave chapelle from that uh coke that uh crack character he has yeah that'd be perfect. So I just was shocked. Also, I don't know. Don't whatever me. I feel weird going on vacation. You don't have to like it. No, I feel weird going on vacation in a place where people make $7 a day.

Oh, mama, that was me on the cruise. That feels weird and wrong. Thank you. Thank you. It feels... They should be making $5. Let me take my Caucasian American money and flaunt it

while you offer me handjobs. That's tough. That felt weird and wrong to me. And I mean, we live in Hollywood, which is a living, breathing human rights violation. So we see people below poverty all the time. Yeah, but you just drive over them. I know. I just, next time I go to Mexico, I think I need to strive for

a more, a less resorty and more actually cultural experience. Tyra. Tyra. Pull a Tyra. And masquerade as a Mexican for four months and you'll really get the picture. Oh yeah, I'm going to call Tyra and be like, can I borrow that sombrero you undoubtedly used in some photo shoot?

In some NC4 or whatever. But everybody was so nice. Who was everybody? The staff. The staff. Everyone who worked at the Elmar, the resort. My God.

Gay, gay, gay. So gay. So nice. Best service ever. Do you know how many people are filming OnlyFans in the bed you slept in? Oh.

Like how much calm is caked into those sheets? Girl, Mateo said to me, do you know about the Ramada Inn on Santa Monica Boulevard? The Ramada Inn. I said,

yeah, the Ramada Inn. Yeah. He said, he basically alluded to, it ramada inn on santa monica boulevard i said yeah the ram it in yeah he said he basically alluded to it was not maybe on the same level as other ramada ends i said yeah that's the one where tweakers get their eyeballs torn out and shit like oh yeah that's texas chainsaw for gay sex violent oh okay i ram it in he said one of the towel racks was pulled off the wall i said yeah probably some twink dosed on spice. Like, I don't want to be a turner. I don't want to be.

I love that scary spice. I feel empowered and rooting for sex workers in any country. Yeah. But I just felt like, I don't know. I felt weird being on the receiving end of being offered sex services. That really never happens to me. I don't know how to feel about it. You think you're too attractive to need to hire hookers, is what you're saying.

I think they saw me who looks 70. And when David got up to go to the bathroom and I was asked four different times if I wanted a massage, just because he left for 30 seconds. Now he's the guy attractive. They're all gorgeous. Of course. Then why not?

Beautiful. I just, I don't want to do that. You can have a dinner for four people out in, not PV, but Tijuana for under $20. I know. That's what I mean. It feels a little wrong. No, that's an economy.

It's a little bit different when you're like getting off the boat in Aruba and people are like trying to like aggressively, you know, hawk their like puka shell necklaces because if they don't, they won't eat that day. That's what I mean. You know, that's a little bit. So was it incredibly beautiful yes the service the resort was my god so beautiful all the everybody was so nice buffet in the morning the food was turnt turntine agulha room service the quesadilla room service the quesadilla what's mexico so like the hotel quesadilla is better than any quesadilla the street food all of it the food every meal was like this is the best food i've ever had

do people stay out late um people don't eat until about 4 a.m they don't eat until 4 a.m no and that's the only time they eat oh gee they're on the they're on the um the g diet yeah they're on the g yeah and you mean you could probably get Ozempic at the pharmacy? You know what I mean? Of course. You can actually. Anabolic steroids. You go get your T, your Ozempic, your G, your Viagra, and your Zanis.

And your Zanis. Yeah. It was really, Mexico, well, again, I was in one city for four days. So I can't speak to Mexico. You're the ambassador now. Yeah. But staying in a gay area in a resort town town i wasn't ready to be propositioned to sell drugs or you know i wasn't ready for that it shocked me it shocked me people don't walk up to me and ask me if i want to buy drugs they're like hello ma'am would you like to purchase some drugs this evening what did they say

molly cocaine no i'll tell you exactly what happened okay did they do no they would have like let's say um a, a basically like a, like a, they're wares. Let's say they're selling cabana hats. They have a bunch of hats on their head, hats all over. And they go,

Hey, hats, gloves, chat keys, weed, Molly. When they get without, I love that.

They're like, Molly, ecstasy, cocaine. Gee, so starting to kill an elephant. And then you go, no.

And they go, okay, hats. Like they go back to pretending to sell whatever bracelets or whatever. I love that. Fourth of July, Spocklers. Mo' Vado watch. Mo' Vado watch.

Yeah. But it was Peaches Christ wedding. It was a lovely. Mary. I bet it was not corny. I bet it was not corny. Not corny. The ring bearer was a child dressed as Michael Myers.

Fabulous. And both grooms pretended to lose the ring. And then the Halloween theme started. And a Michael Myers this tall walked down the aisle. instagram so cute you should have stabbed her in the foot though i know it wasn't a real knife i was like come on we could probably get one of those on the beach people are selling stuff um but then the whole ceremony under 25 minutes i'm going to cover my boner up a little bit yeah oh they're 25 minutes let me just cover my boner up a little bit. Yeah. Oh, you're 25 minutes. Let me just cover up my boner real quick. It was just like a short film.

I laughed, I cried. It was so good. Mink stole officiated. Fabulous. She's so funny and glam. Icon. Then Peaches is saying, I mean, Peaches told this story about like, I was afraid, you're going to cry.

She was like, I was afraid to tell this guy who was so amazing. We were dating for months and I told him I was a writer and a producer, but I never told him I did drag. And she told the whole story of telling him he did drag and how he didn't care at all. And I was like, my God, so many times in my life having to tell someone I do drag that I'm sexually interested in or romantically interested in is terrifying. Yeah, because it's disgusting. Because it's disgusting. Yeah, it's gross. And a turn off for many people.

Yeah. And then the food was good. And the dancing. It's all Peaches music, I'm sure. So it's like. No chicken dance. No chicken dance. No, it's Depeche Mode, Sade, Sinead O'Connor.

Oh yeah, she's around my age. Yeah. Yeah, I would love that. So it's all like aging goths and queer people twirling. I love that. It was really fun. How long were you there for? Three days. That's big for you. Three days off of work. It was really fun. How long were you there for? Three days. That's big for you.

Three days off of work. That was huge. Did you bring your laptop? Yeah, but I didn't open it once. I didn't do any work. I was just in the hotel room going, so what do we do? Yeah. So like if I don't hear like checks cashing and dollar signs clinking.

Right. Yeah. So I was just kind of confused. You get a massage mirror. That's what you do. I'm scared. About what? He's not going to.

Well, I mean, he could. Do you know why I can't? Why? Because when someone that hot is offering me sex and there's money involved, the whole time I'm like, they're holding back puke. They're holding back puke. Okay. Just think about it.

To them, I'm disgusted. No, no, no, no, no. You have it completely twisted up. I want you. I'm going to say a few names. Milton Berle. The corpse of Don Rickles. Uh-huh.

Tempest de Jure. Abraham Lincoln. Uh-huh. Tempest de Jure after a ostrich mauling. Yeah. The unsinkable Molly Brown. Uh-huh. Present day.

Those are the kind of clients that they're used to. Gray, shriveled. Maybe nice, maybe not, not but cheap nasty disgusting dingleberries in their gray pubes uh-huh you are lady ladybugs yeah you are basically like um what's her name stormy daniels wow yeah i see a hooker on the regular not a hooker a massage therapist, and then we have sex. Uh-huh. For money. Hard as hell.

He probably does a little tri-mix in the kitchen when I'm not looking, but I'll take it. You kidding me? He's got that shit hooked up to a compressor. Yeah, that's why he is so stupid. He's firing it up like a hot air balloon. You ever notice he's looking past you at like snuff porn? Of like his mom getting her head chopped off while she gets eaten out by a cricket oh gen z that's what gen z wants gen z doesn't want sex in movies no they want their

they want their ozempic um ridden mom's head ripped off by a fucking cricket um oh let me show you the x-ray they gave me i I wanted, of course, the joint. Right. They don't let you... Why don't they let you keep... What are they going to do with the bone? Bones? I don't know. Probably the bone collector. Does he chop that femur bone?

Whoa. Looks official. It is. He's a celebrity guy. So it's actually a chainsaw. They put a chainsaw in my thigh now who that's supposed to be you so well at the end it's an x-ray oh that's why it looks different it's an x-ray yeah that's why my nipples look kind of small because it was really cold in there so you splurged on the

anesthesiologist but you kind of skimped on the x-ray technician and the shoes the shoes are pretty pitiful yeah yeah i love getting x-rays you do yeah i love it i love it so much it scares me i know the mri that's the scary one the and you have to you have to maintain absolute stillness or else they'll like come on hit you or something it's crazy well do you remember last year when i had that exhaustion episode where i thought i had brain cancer yes i had to go get MRIs after that. And it was a long time in a loud machine. It's horrible.

Again, what was it? What was the other thing we were just talking about? Why hasn't technology improved? For MRIs? Yeah. Yeah. Why do they take it like they take a flashbulb photo? Stand still for 30 minutes.

Yeah, yeah. Hear ye, hear ye. Ye will learn all about your terrible joint. Yeah, it's crazy. Have you been watching anything? No. I had sex with David on the patio at the hotel. What?

On the patio. It faced out to the ocean. No one could see us. We're on the top floor. It felt risky, even though absolutely no one could see us. Don't you have surveillance cameras? But I was sort of playing it up. I was like blowing, I'm going to say blowing him.

And, and I'm like looking over like, oh my God, what if we get caught? We're so far away from people, but I'm playing it like, oh my God, did you hear that? Is someone here? No one was there. That is so fucking funny. We would know they were there because they'd look at me sucking a cock and start throwing. Yeah, exactly.

I had sex last night in my patio with this leg no no no no no no we use the cane no no but i mean were you feeling up to it sexually were you just like hey listen i'm i'm not gonna be an active participant i need to be i i think for one night i can put away my shannon miller jack hammer 35 minute minute nonstop pulverizing penis routine. Yeah. I just sat there and modeled like that. Like Giselle. Yeah.

No, no, no. But we got naked in my backyard. We did it outside. That's what I was just telling you. I didn't listen to that. Great. I can tell the story next week too. Oh, good.

I'll be fresh and free. Did you guys have full penetrative Congress outside? No. No, it's too much. No. Too many bugs and stuff. Yeah. It's David.

He just wants a blowjob so he can move on with his life. You know? He's trying to get in and out. In and out. In and out. You like blowjobs? Yeah. I don't want to be, I don't want to tell stories out of school, but there are some men who

are blowing them as a commitment because it can take 45 minutes yes david is not one of those people and also yes the dignity the grace of like a quick finish because then it's like yeah do this now scratch my nuts now now read me some emily bronte you know it's like what i don't want to do all that the best is when it starts out like okay also grab my balls and then you're like okay and then it's like oh grab tweak a nipple yeah call my mom okay yeah yeah yeah then you're like, okay. And then it's like, Oh, grab it. Tweak a nipple. Yeah. Call my mom. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What you're doing. Eventually they're like, all right, pluck my eyebrows.

You gotta type it. You gotta type it. Yes. It's totally. All right. Lock into my phone. Use my face ID and pay my Wells Fargo.

Overdrive my bank of America. Please do it. Oh, I'll say something else about Mexico. I should have learned more about pesos.

Yes. It's very different than American money. It's so weird. The number, the quantity of pesos is so strong. Why don't they just round it down? I don't get it. I think something, maybe I could be wrong. 25 million pesos.

I think 2000 pesos is about a hundred bucks. So I was like, I couldn't tell. That's cool. I would ask people, how much is this? And they would say, and I would go, I still don't know what that means. How about 25 pesos? See, that's actually not that bad of an exchange rate. Look up rubles for fuck's sake.

Is that Russia? That's some bullshit, yeah. Russia and Ukraine got some big time, like thousands of thousands for a candy bar. It's crazy. Rubles drag race. Rubles drag, yeah. Win rubles, rubles. Yeah, Made the best

Remember the game show Win Ben Stein's money Do you know He's a crazy person What do you mean He's a crazy He's a crazy Conservative

No A la Christy Swanson A la Dean Cain No Yeah Yeah And I'll never forget In Soap Dish

He said Ariel should be raped By Father Corey. That's his one big line. Isn't that hysterical? I remember it for dry eyes. Dry, clear eyes. That big, booming monotone.

But so anyways, have you ever been to one of these or driven past one of these like crazy mega, not mega churches, but. Meghan Trainor. Did you see Meghan Trainor? I did. Wait, where? I thought you just said Meghan Trainor. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Have you driven past Meghan Trainor? Did you say Meghan Trainor? I did. Wait, where? I thought you just said Meghan Trainor. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Have you driven past Meghan Trainor?

Yes, I have. Do you know those, like, they're called, one's called Mosaic. It's on the corner of La Brea and Sunset. It looks like. Is it a church? It's a church. But Mary, when I tell you these people are hot. These youngers, these young people are hot

that's how they get each other oh you think it's networking I know it is I went in one night I remember this one church in Milwaukee that was supposed to be like the young cool church and their flyer was would Jesus wear jeans to church we're not like normal churches we do things a little differently around here

I think he would you know so cut the crotch out let his balls hang low. Yeah. Yeah. I was just like, Jesus doesn't go to church. Yeah. Jesus is dead. But Jesus, church happened after he died.

Yeah. So he was never going to church. That's an irrelevant question. They actually strung him up on a cross and tortured him to death. That's why we're going to church. Yeah. Jeans are not. Yeah.

But anyways, these people are sexy. They're looking cool. That's why we're going to church. Yeah. Jeans are not. Yeah. But anyways, these people are sexy. They're looking cool. They're put together. Uh-huh. Yeah. What's going to happen then? Are you going to join?

I've joined and I've got a long game brewing. I've got a long game brewing. But I knew there was like a straight thing because nobody knew who I was. Not one person. And I tried to like, I tried to like do a little, you know, like, and made the best woman win. Nobody could catch on.

Somebody came up to this weekend and sometimes drag queens do, people do this. They go, oh, you know, let's say it's, I'm making this up, Bianca.

They'll be like, oh, I know Roy. Oh yeah. And I go, okay, which is fine. I hate that.

Good for you. But then they go, well, I know you as Brian because I know you through her. And I go, that person. And I know your social is one two six twenty eight forty three I was like why I can guarantee you Bianca Del Rio does not know my real name what are you talking about that that's that doesn't that's not happening what do you call that what do you call that I don't know I well in some ways it's sort of like oh we have a mutual friend but But what it feels like is- But we don't though. You should, I don't know.

Care social. Yeah. It's like, no, you didn't meet Bianca and she told you that I'm her friend, Brian. Yeah. That didn't happen. You didn't spend all night looking at my baby book with her. I don't think.

Do you have a baby book? I do still have it. That's the only doc. I look, there's for three years, I was fat as for three years I was fat as a house and I cherish those years.

Big chunky cheeks and a big gut. I was so happy. That's all. What age? Nude too. For anybody's interest.

You didn't wear clothes for three years? No I'm wearing a baby. What are you gonna wear clothes for? Well if you're fat

enough your parts get covered. That is true but I also had a really long penis so it went all the way down my thigh. You had to tie it up with an alligator clip. Did you ever, what kind of clothes did you wear when you were an infant?

Hand-me-downs? Yeah, my brother was five years older than me, so I got a lot of hand-me-downs. Hand-me-downs. Easy. Did you have to wear your brother's clothes? I wore my sister's clothes. She was younger than me. Your brother's younger than you?

No, I wore my sister's clothes. My sister is younger than me. Okay. But your brother's older. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dark sister's clothes. My sister is younger than me. Okay. But your brother's older? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dark hair? Dark hair. He's not bald.

No. So what's going on with that? He has the McCook head. The McCook head is known, the McCooks are known for giant heads, square jaws, thick, luscious hair that ain't going nowhere. Yeah, your brother has, your dad has hair. My dad has the same thing, except it's all gray. So what's going on with you?

I have my mother's side. Thin, villainous lift. Yeah, thin, horrible hair. Emotional problems. We like, we love to like walk fast. We get out of the car before it even stops. We tuck and roll at the mall. It's great.

Oh my God. I'm not used to traveling with David Silver anymore. Is he slow? No, no, no, no, no. He's great. Oh my god. I'm not used to traveling with David silver anymore. Is he slow? No, no, no, no You know, I'm in my Crocs and I have the strap around the back. I'm in four-wheel drive. Yeah, I'm ready to go David silver zoom you would think he's on one of those fucking moving walkways. He's at the airport We are two and a half hours early. We've already gotten through security David is borderline sprinting. I love it.

To the gate. I love it. I said, I love you. You need to relax. No. I said, I'm not like getting winded. Getting to this gate. But he's just going to the gate though to hang out?

Yeah. There's something in him. Like the gay travelers. Oh, it's like paranoia. Speed walking times speed walking. Oh, I'm speed walking to like the Gucci store, to the pretzel store. I'm making laps. Like I used to do the Delta Sky Lounge, taking a shower.

Right. Sometimes two. But David, I was traumatized speeding. I love it. David's one of those people that for some people, when they fly, they need a Bloody Mary. A lot of people flying is like, it's like a Pavlovian. They get on a plane and they go Bloody Mary. I don't know what it is.

I think it's just called being drunkian. They get on a plane and they go bloody Mary. I don't know what it is. I think it's just going to be getting drunk. Well, no, people swear that bloody Mary's taste different on planes. They swear the altitude. It could be, they swear. They go,

I never drink them. And on planes, I always drink them. Yeah. So David, he's watching, you know, his little housewives on an iPad,

this big, this close to his face. He's got his bloody Mary vibing. But now is he saying that because of the altitude, he needs six little things of vodka instead of two because that might be suspicious no because you you get drunk faster on planes yeah any yeah altitude yeah altitude right yeah remember aspen remember aspen like i've never been to aspen oh god damn it well the altitude like is like you have to cook with different ingredients. You get winded.

I do know about that. Oh, it's wild. Baking especially. Oh, yes. You know, we got to reinstate gay ski week because I would love to go to that. I know. They should do it in Park City, Utah. 600 inches of snow this year. 600 inches of snow.

I'm booked for Salt Lake City Pride. You're going to love it. Well, I've been to Salt Lake City, but I've never been there in the winter. Park City, 12,000 foot elevation. I checked mine at home, 650 foot elevation. Wow. Have you seen me on any billboards? I sure the fuck did when I was driving to the hospital in Santa Monica.

That is huge. Did you consider that a good omen? Well, you had a hammer. What was it? Oh, yeah. It's like a hammer in the? Well, you had a hammer. What was it? Yeah, it's like a hammer in the picture. A mallet. I was like, yeah, I'll take that. Boom.

Beautiful solo featurette. Can you believe it? And not even, it was all about you. Not really about the network. For a show I filmed two years ago. Max, it just said Max. They're not even promoting a new show. I was like, all right.

They didn't even tell me. I started getting pictures sent to me. I was like, it's fabulous. I love it. But don't you think you'd tell show. I was like, all right. They didn't even tell me. I started getting pictures sent to me. I was like, what? But don't you think you'd tell me? I was like, no. They have bigger fish to unmanageably fry at those networks. Well, the big merger. What do you think is going to happen with the writer's strike?

Mary, so I talked to Katie. She has to be on the picket line every day or else she'll get booted from the guild. Yeah. Is that real? Yeah. So you know what I've been doing? A lollip i've been doing my little um gail weathers so i'll show up in costume um and then there's three there's the paramount they're netflix and then there's another one i forget and um someone tried to make a little like a dating service thing which i thought was a little

weird because that's at the picket line yeah so like two birds one stone like fuck somebody fuck me at the picket line well is it like i'm sure at these misconnections i'm sure at these what do you call it a picket line yeah i'm sure that you will see people you know kind of romantic story we met um protesting he spilled a huge like thing of coffee on me and got third degree burns but yeah the signs are really clever that's what's fun about the writers being behind this well do you mary we don't have enough time to get into it but the chat gpt ai thing is it will curl your hair what does gpt stand for though it's great pussy training is it gpt it's greek pussy training. Sorry. GPT. Chat GPT. It's an AI program that can say, hey, I can type in, write a script where Trixie Mattel never interrupts me and treats me with the utmost respect in her character vein. And I'll do that.

And you think even chat GPT could do that? Greek pussy talent. I just wonder, I mean, to be honest, you and I have. They're already using it, Mary. You and I have worked at Netflix. Some of those shows, I would prefer that some machine wrote it. You know what I mean? It would be a vast improvement.

And also what they're trying to do, honestly, this is what they're trying to do. They're trying to write it into people's contracts that they can use AI and then hire independent contractors to come in one or two days. And punch it up. Make it a little human. This doesn't make any sense. Just punch it up and then go home. Fucking diabolical. Well, I keep seeing tweets about like, Hey, I'm a writer on, I don't know, blackish or like a show like that. That's huge. Or Abbott elementary. And I'm not getting any fucking residuals. And Hey, I'm the writer of

the most watch episode. Today I got a residual check for 0.01 cents. It's crazy. So crazy. I mean, I don't pretend to know about this stuff because, you know, it's a lot more nuanced than you and I just chiming in. I mean, we mostly do unscripted. So like, but if the world changes with streaming, then the way people make money and get paid and compensated and credited has to change with it. Yeah. I don't think these people are asking for, for what they're asking for is frankly so overdue

right and crazy what's like a gwyneth said islands in the stream that is what you are but let's say you wrote on the office okay and the office moved to netflix during covid during covid the office was banging it was the most watched show if you wrote an episode one of the best episodes on the Office that gets watched all the time on Netflix. I wouldn't be talking to you. I'd be bathing in my little cash bucket. But they don't have money.

Who? The writers. Because they're like not compensated fairly. Oh, see, that's, I keep thinking I get residuals from even stupid shows that I was bad in. Oh, I get, my American Horror Story residuals are sometimes like 30 cents. Yeah. That's not true. So they're usually about. No, they're good. They're like residuals are sometimes like 30 cents. Yeah. That's not true. So they're usually about.

No, they're good. They're like crazy. Sometimes they're like in the thousands. They are. Yeah. For what room? Room 104 playing house. Anything on Warner brothers or playing house.

I was the big titted. I forget what I did, but yeah, I get, I just got to check in the mouth the other day. That was only like hundreds, but it's significant. What's going to happen when this Gaga Joker movie comes out? The things I'm already clenching for in the universe, one of them is I'm already clenching for the kink at pride discourse. And I'm already clenching for the Oscar campaign of that Joker movie. I mean, just give her the damn Oscar already.

I feel like the Oscars are so corny, tired, and played out. We should just do something else. The fact that there's not a comedy character category. Or that the horror keeps getting snubbed or overlooked. I think they should do American Ninja Oscars. Whoever's best, you know, whoever gets through the gauntlet wins the Oscar. Honestly. And then it'll just be like jason momoa or like people jessica chastain like the hunger game standing over um standing over meredith baxter

bernie's dead body being like but there'll be handicaps like melissa mccarthy will just have to like do like one of those little um rope ladders and everybody else will get daggers thrown at him right or like hong chao in a tug of war with danny devito drunk no the woman who plays the woman who plays the scarlet witch oh elizabeth olsen olsen hong chao at a chili cook-off for the oscar win oh see just skip the whole ceremony i want to watch that yeah and that's entertainment folks something humorous happened last night. David does not handle spicy food very well. Really?

Yeah. He gets very sweating. Diarrhea? Okay. David in Mexico. What was the temperature like? 85 and humid as hell. But this water.

Wet. Everyone's wet. Me, him, everyone we know, everyone's face is wet with sweat. But see, I love that. It's an even playing field. Yeah. Did you go in the water? Oh, yeah. Did you drink it and get diarrhea field. Yeah. Did you go in the water? Oh, yeah.

Did you drink it and get diarrhea? No, everybody warned me about drinking the water. But where does the ice come from? The same water. You have to drink that. You have your sex in the city moment. You get out of your Mexicoma by shitting your pants. I was with somebody who got sick.

I also had, I mean, you know, no drinking has been pretty easy for me at a gay resort in Mexico. I wanted that tequila. What else do you do? I wanted that tequila. I didn't have the tequila. I forgot to tell you the craziest part. What you did, Molly.

Let's take a break. No, you're not supposed to bring drugs to Mexico. No shit. They're really cheap there. You buy them there, bring them back. No,

but I heard from a reliable source that whenever you buy drugs off the street, they're fake, which they You buy them there, bring them back. No, but I heard from a reliable source that whenever you buy drugs off the street, they're fake. Which they are often when they're in Amsterdam. Because I heard the marijuana in Mexico is like horrible.

Oh, we'll just bring you a little Cali Buds. That's why I just did Coke. No, no. But I didn't try to bring drugs to Mexico. But what happened was I had a swimsuit.

Somebody came to the motel last week and they tipped me. Somebody's staying at the motel and they go, I have a cannabis brand. I brought you a joint that has cow print on it. So you boofed it up your ass and went through security. I said, oh, thank you. I don't smoke while I'm working, but I'll save it. I put it in my swimsuit pocket. Then I get to pata patata.

I open the swimsuit. I reach in my pocket. Broke down palace. I find the weed and I go oh my god david if they had found this i probably would have been in trouble with yet another government's they would have done this oh you no i heard they take thailand thailand i heard they go well you can come back to mexico for your court appearance or you can just give me 100 bucks that's what i heard which is really easy that's's great. That's a bunch that's preferable. Red tape, all that time

wasted. You just don't want to be in the broke down palace situation in Bangkok. I should have been like, you think I'm afraid to come back to Mexico? I have a timeshare. And then I flip my hair and a bunch of joints come out of my hair. I flip my hair and it's a wig and it falls off. And then I fall on the ground. You were a drug mule.

On accident. This is really concerning because I knew you were ground. You were a drug mule. On accident. This is really concerning. Because I knew you would quit drinking. I had the eight ball up my pussy, but that was on purpose. Yeah. You quit drinking and then, you know, it's a toke every once in a while. And all of a sudden you're a full-blown drug mule. How many kilos of heroin you got in your keister right now?

But my life flashed before my eyes. It's one joint. I know. But if anybody gets in big trouble, I'm like, with my luck, it would have been me. You would have been the Marst... They would have made an example out of you like Martha Stewart. Yeah, and the joint was what you call dog walker. It was one of those like one inch long ones, very small.

But I'm just saying, I would have been the one to go to federal prison or something. Damn. So I was scared. I was scared and I felt lucky and blessed that I didn't get found out because it was not intentional at all. At all. But you got to be careful. You got to be careful with like.

Well, the hard narcotics especially. Well, I remember one time I was in Israel. Not Israel. Ireland. Different place. And I was at the airport and I was going through immigration. They were like, you have a bottle of water in your bag, but they're all Irish. So like, you know, i don't think so and they opened my bag and

there's a complete full sealed bottle of rum in my carry-on oh but that's not legal you know what we had a good party last night at the gig that's uh it's not it's not technically water it's piss water right yeah you can have a swig if you want oh my god and i turned to natasha leone who i was traveling with and she was like well gotta give it up and she pulled a tampon soaked the sky vodka out her pussy and yeah i think that's good i think it's great you got a birthday coming up a birthday august august i'm going to the glad awards this weekend where tricksy motel is nominated and i really hope we. But I've lost a lot of things in my life. David really wants to win. And I don't know if I'm ready because I know he's going to hit me.

No. If we don't win, he's going to hit me. Let's hope he hits you with the trophy. But I think we're going to be in front of the executives and stuff and he's going to haul off and hit me. And I'm going to go, you guys don't know him. You know, like. You have to win. Throw that motherfucker a bone.

Put him up against We're Here. That's Brendan Fraser and the whale. I want my life to mean something. You know what I mean know the tone of that title is a little bit different now we're here i think we should do a show called we're also here we're over there yeah we're over there we're trying to help people but not at the expense of inconveniencing we'll be here if anything happens to you that's half of that could you imagine you and i show up at a woman's house like a recent divorcee and she's like, I'm just trying to get my groove back

and we're like, have you tried color contacts? Yeah. The Halloween store has blue contacts. Let's get you really high. Leave you on the side

of the road. Yeah. We thought you could do some microdermabrasion. We don't like have that budget. So I have some sandpaper. Yeah.

We're going to do a thumbtack facial and we're just going to pat it really hard. Yeah. Glue on toenails do a thumb tack facial and we're just going to pat it really hard. Yeah. Glue on toenails. Oh, I love glue on toenails.

I know you do. We don't have any nails, so we're using corn chips. Lacquered corn chips, just like mommy used to do. Yeah. Okay. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.