The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Are You Happy Now? with Trixie and Katya

Starting point is 00:00:00 Today's episode of Ball in the Beautiful is sponsored by Airbnb. So I have to tell you guys, I went all the way up to my hometown of Wasacky, Wisconsin. In Wasacky, we have two motels. I've never stayed at either of them. But when I travel, especially when I travel up north, where honestly, you guys, I love where I'm from, but on an average weeknight, we don't even have one restaurant open. So I like to be able to cook breakfast. I like people to cook dinner if I want lunch, whatever. So I wanted to rent somewhere to stay. I got a four, it was like a four bedroom, but it sleeps like six or eight. Technically, I got a huge cabin

Starting point is 00:00:38 right outside of Wasaki on the river and it was perfect for me. It was perfect. Great Wi-Fi. I mean, it had really clear directions on how to use everything from the Wi-Fi to on the river and it was perfect for me. It was perfect, great wifi. I mean, it had really clear directions on how to use everything from the wifi to the stove, to the TV, everything. I mean, nice hot stove to make breakfast in my underwear in the morning. Huge lofted ceiling, like giant king size bed

Starting point is 00:01:01 with like a cabin quilt on it. I mean, I slept like a baby, a perfect little baby. I love, I mean, being able to travel and eat, like all I did, I brought like, you know, I brought like pancake mix. I brought like some Kansas soup, but I didn't have to bring utensils. I brought pans and then I got there and I was like,

Starting point is 00:01:18 I don't even need these. I mean, everything was provided for me. I also love this feature with the Airbnb app where like, you can kind of plan ahead so let's say I'm going to Florida and Far in advance of my trip I can start checking out the area and start favoriting different like options and that way when it comes time to crunch time

Starting point is 00:01:36 Like I've done a lot of my perusing my browsing for bookings and I've got them kind of favorited so in Milwaukee and You know I've got them kind of favorited. So in Milwaukee and you know, like my brother lives in Minneapolis, like anywhere that I'm gonna stay, I always have a few favorited because it helps me just to make a quick reservation when it's time. All trips are better with Airbnb.

Starting point is 00:01:56 I love it. If you want more space, more privacy in a better location and the most loved homes, check out airbnb.com or download the Airbnb app. TD Direct Investing offers live support. So whether you're a newbie or a seasoned pro, you can make your investing steps count. And if you're like me and think a TFSA

Starting point is 00:02:15 stands for total fund savings adventure, maybe reach out to TD Direct Investing. Hey, it's DJ First Dibs. I noticed you've been listening to a lot of summer vibes lately. Best day. Because while your playlist screams, I need a vacation. My algorithm suggests book before March 30th. Remember, Sunwing. Save more, do more. Book with your local travel advisor or at sunwing.ca. ["Sky's Got a Sky"] Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:03:00 Do you think we should address the situation? I think you need to address the situation. Open up the notes app, sis. Okay. I think that we need to just call it out, say what it is. Yes, our blue background has been found guilty of multiple counts of manslaughter, homicide, and sexual assault.

Starting point is 00:03:17 Yeah, so this is our new set, and it's like a monochromatic thing, which has been our thing for a long time. Yeah. The converse pink and red, but... It's a new riff on an old classic. And I, sorry, I love it. I love it.

Starting point is 00:03:28 This is actually, part of the work here is done by our friends who did our Netflix sets. Yeah. So we keep it in the family. That's right. Women who really know what time it is. They really know what time it is. You gotta trust the girls.

Starting point is 00:03:41 They turned it out, I love it. I got to get all my moldy chachkas out of storage. And yeah, I think it looks great. Well, could you imagine if we let gay guys do this? Huddy Paisley. Yeah, Paisley. Would you Paisley like a plow? Like a rhinestone?

Starting point is 00:03:54 I'm thinking leather and lace. Rhinestones or pearls? I actually think leather and lace would be a good vibe for us too. Yeah, maybe next time. How about pleather and mace? Pleather and mace. You ever get maced? Why not?

Starting point is 00:04:08 Why don't you live out loud, girl? Go get maced, girl. People do not fuck around. What would you say to Elon Musk? Get maced. Yeah, get maced. I watch a lot of Twitter that fights, fight clips, fight videos. Like fight in the Maccas? Well, I feel like I used to watch World Star and stuff, a lot of Twitter that fights, fight clips, fight videos.

Starting point is 00:04:25 Like fight in the Maccas? Well, I feel like I used to watch like Worldstar and stuff and I'd watch fights, but now, oftentimes, it'll be a fight video that just turns into a point blank shooting. And I'm like high in my house being like, get her girl. And then someone's just like, boom, boom. And I'm like, this is on Twitter?

Starting point is 00:04:44 Damn, I don't like that shit. I've been getting into the bodies of water snatching people away. I saw that too. Can I say the family of Indian people who were just snatched away, they were standing on the rock while boom, gone. Gone.

Starting point is 00:04:58 Gone. I've been having a really hard time with social media because it all, X especially feels so conservative. The stuff that gets suggested for me all of a sudden in the last few months is so conservative and crazy. It's not, I throw a stone into the water and I look the other way.

Starting point is 00:05:16 That's my involvement with X. Do you know what I mean? I shout my little thing into the well and then I close the lid. Cause there's nothing else to do. Yeah, you put it in the toilet and flush it. Yes. You don't look at it.

Starting point is 00:05:27 You don't handle it. And kind of like... I don't stick my head in the bowl and try to suck it back up. I'll kind of like take the turd out and kind of like fillet it. You know, type stuff. Yes. That type stuff. Sidebar, I think I had norovirus, not food poisoning,

Starting point is 00:05:40 but that remains to be seen. Thank you for the comments on that one. Yeah. You know, the comments on that one. Yeah. You know, the doctors at home tell you what's wrong with you? No, the doctors in the comments were like, sounds like norovirus.

Starting point is 00:05:50 Oh. And it was ripping through the community. You know which one. The gay community? No, I'm just kidding. I don't know. Not since monkeypox. Pouring out for the monkeys.

Starting point is 00:06:02 Pouring out for all those hot people that got monkeypox. Yeah, but no, but I, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, Come on. Dinner theater. Oh, there's no food for you. We're just gonna serve Buddy a seven course meal with mics mounted all the way around her. Like one of those old Victorian medicine theaters, you know what I mean? Like it's all like, she. Yeah. Hi, Bunny.

Starting point is 00:06:36 I love Bunny. Theater in the round and she's on a revolving thing just eating dinner. Oh, that is funny. No, but it's like you go to a drag show. There's like Brandon Voss does like those corny Cupid's secret ones or whatever. The show is hot, the people are great. But most importantly, you eat food.

Starting point is 00:06:53 So you don't have to go home hungry. Well, that's nice. Because the shows aren't good enough to like miss dinner for. Right. You know what I mean? Well, some dinner theaters, they feed you and then show you. That's what this is some dinner theaters, they feed you and then show you. That's what it sounds like.

Starting point is 00:07:06 Or some places, they feed you during. Yeah, there was the burlesque where we got fed during. And that was helpful at times because some of the numbers I did not quite enjoy. And rather than just stare at my phone and be rude, I got to eat my steak Diane. Well, I don't know if I want to see a bunny burlesque number either.

Starting point is 00:07:21 She wasn't in that one. Boop-a-doop-a-doop-boop-boop. She goes to take it. That's a hard one. That's not back seam wasn't in that one. Boop-a-doop-a-doop-a-doop-a-doop. She goes to- That's a hard one. That's not back seam tights, that's blood coming out her ass, leaking down her legs. She's vile, I love that.

Starting point is 00:07:32 She's really vile. She is vile, and let me tell you something. Not only is she vile, she is relentlessly vile, and she's got stamina. She's a great performer. I've seen that bitch go off. 90 minutes. When a song comes on that she likes,

Starting point is 00:07:47 she will get in front of the decks and she will spin. I don't know how that wig stays on her head. Cement. Magic. Prayer. Cawking. Cawking ball torture. Barbed wire.

Starting point is 00:07:58 I mean, it's crazy, yeah. It's, she had some, I mean, she talks, she's saying she danced the house down. Ninety minutes, no break. I think she took one little teeny little wiggle break to change. It was very impressive. I could never have never been able to and will never. I've seen her...

Starting point is 00:08:17 She used to do shows at Casita, and I would go get to see her in the basement there, which is a great place to see her, because it's like 80 seats. Oh, I love that place. So you are up in her face, which is fun. And if you hate the show, you're fucked. Yeah. You know, because you're right there. Yeah, she'll know.

Starting point is 00:08:29 Yeah. She did some very off-color material. Did you write any of it down? Because I am slowly stealing her whole act. She did a whole number about you doing that. Oh, did she do a Trixie and Mattel. Right? Love that shit.

Starting point is 00:08:40 She had a pretty funny joke about me. I think she could have did a little better. It was, did you know that Katja's now religious? She had a pretty funny joke about me. I think she could have did a little better. It was, did you know that Katya's now religious? She's a crystal Methodist. I do like that. It's pretty good. It's pretty good.

Starting point is 00:08:54 It's pretty good. And I think that she did a lot. She had a lot of material about me. She was like, I had a lot. My funny joke about you would be like, have you heard about Katya? She died. Yeah. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do died. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. It would just be simple.

Starting point is 00:09:07 Well, that was the one about Bianca Del Rio. So she had a whole song about Bianca Del Rio, but how does she hope she dies? She's so sick. Have you ever seen that clip of her? She's outside of like Lee Bowery's memorial. Yeah, she's complaining. And she's complaining about the heat.

Starting point is 00:09:23 She owes her money? Yes, yes. I hope that's what you do.'s complaining about the heat. She owes her money. Yes, I hope that's what you do. I was gonna say you do at my funeral, but we know what's gonna happen. Mama, please, what was it, Star Trek? Was it Star Trek? Somebody today was talking to me

Starting point is 00:09:34 about how they were good friends with Hollywood Lawn, and she was like, you know, and she was just so funny. I miss how funny she was. And I was like, yeah, I'm gonna miss when you die. Not even, I'm like, I feel like I'm always slowly preparing myself that you probably will die before me. Well, now that I'm driving the car,

Starting point is 00:09:53 guess who else is on the road? Baby! Honey! Well, that's what I wanted to tell you. The Venga bus is coming. Driving, I have it on my notes, driving, driving, driving. I wrote down driving too.

Starting point is 00:10:03 Baby! Guess what I got here today? Did you buy a car? I have a car. Ah! And I rented it for 20 days. Rent it for 20 days. What is that about though?

Starting point is 00:10:12 I drove from the enterprise place to my house, white knuckled it, had to turn the music off, take my sunglasses off, everyone shut up. Thank you, thank you. The air conditioning was on, I was like, I can't have that blowing on me. I had to focus so fiercely. Yes! Because my first time driving in 10 years is crossing Hollywood Boulevard

Starting point is 00:10:28 No, ma'am Mary like I told you I I thought if I crossed a four-way No, it was a two-way stop sign Mary and then you guess what kind of they have the all different tiers of insurance Because I got a enterprise rent like five billion dollars a month. I got the full So if I hit someone else, their car, my car, and my body or their body is covered. You win $3 million. $85 a day. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:49 $85 a day. I said, for that price, I'm fucking hitting somebody. Oh my god. $85 to get to hit someone and be like, Drink, go, go, go, and get behind the. So I was white knuckling. And I guess. It's scary.

Starting point is 00:11:01 10 years is a long time. I was just like, why was I so excited to get my license? This is... I was gonna drive to PEG today. I was gonna drive... I don't take the 101 here. Sorry about it. I never take the... You take the side roads? Bitch, it's... Let me tell you about Miss Cahuenga.

Starting point is 00:11:15 Okay? I know about Cahuenga. But I think that the highway here is quick. Of course the highway is quick. It's also... ...twetuous. No. Danduous. I remember driving school school they said that

Starting point is 00:11:26 more accidents happen on roads where cards are conversing. Less accidents happen on freeways because everyone's going the same way. But here's the thing about that, the freeway is terrifying. Because people are texting. Well, you get a fender bender. Let's say you stop short, get a fender bender on the freeway.

Starting point is 00:11:42 You're like, everybody's safe. You get out, a semi truck hits you. Hello, thank you. On the road. Final destination. And a double S. Six, six, six. I rented a car to get here. I was gonna rent a Mitsubishi Mirage

Starting point is 00:11:53 because it was the cheapest. And then I was like, I'm gonna splurge. A Bentley. No, I don't know what I have. It's a, we don't know what it is. It's like a luxury midsize SUV. Oh, okay, Audi? I don't know. You don't know, let's find It's like a luxury midsize SUV. Okay, Audi? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:12:07 Let's find out. Well, I'm trying to get a car and I was trying to get this car called a Lexus GX60, I believe. I love the look of that car. She's a big girl though. She's a size 14. The broker and also my driveway is Miss Petite. Yes, your drive. So my first day driving, I just knock off both mirrors

Starting point is 00:12:25 and I'm like, who needs them? Well, that happened to me. The three days after I got my, me being you, after not driving for 10 years or owning a car ever, scraped the whole side of it coming out of my apartment complex. I just feel like, and I Googled. What was it?

Starting point is 00:12:43 Oh, it's an Audi. What did I just say? Audi. That was my first guess, Audi. I Googled... What was it? Oh, it's an Audi. What did I just say? Audi. That was my first guess, Audi. I googled fear of driving. Do people have fear of driving? And I did on my private browser so nobody would find out about it.

Starting point is 00:12:54 Don't ever go on my private browser. I would stay off my phone. I don't. I don't. In the devil laugh. Yeah, in the devil laugh. And they said that the only way through it is to acknowledge that fear's not real,

Starting point is 00:13:07 and it's not a real thing, it's just a feeling, and you just have to drive more and you'll be scared less. Yes. So they said, leave earlier, drive in the slow lane. You take all the precautions, you learn all the rules, and let me tell you one fucking thing. The responsibility of the first in line when there's a green fucking left arrow.

Starting point is 00:13:30 Yeah. I'm on that shit. Nobody's got my game. I anticipate that shit before it even happens. My pedal is so tuned. No, no, no, no, no. Of course you have to wait for the stragglers because there's always fucking stragglers going on,

Starting point is 00:13:44 you know, the red. But I am never late for that green fucking arrow. Never. I was driving, thinking to myself, how did I forget that this is terrifying? Did you see the video of the Amazon delivery truck driving over the woman? Did you see the video of the woman driving 90 miles

Starting point is 00:14:00 an hour into a gas station? Conti. I mean, that one, you blink and you miss it. It was like, whoosh. The Amazon truck goes over this woman, not even that fast. It's like turning. And she screams so guttural, it's so crazy.

Starting point is 00:14:14 Like over her whole body? Over her whole body. And then the Amazon guy gets out, looks at her, looks around and just drives away. Fierce. Can I get that video? I'll send it to you. It was, I like,

Starting point is 00:14:26 that's crazy. Big brother's listening because now that I've got my license and everything, they're like, do you want to see some crashes on your phone? Yeah. So I'm excited to drive more. I think what I have to do is pick short trips.

Starting point is 00:14:38 It's hard that I live on Hollywood Boulevard because the beginning of any car ride is treacherous. Well, what about, remember when I was up in the hill? I love princess. Do you need to be punished, princess? Though you're my bad little girl. Who needs to be punished, princess? Ooh.

Starting point is 00:14:54 What is this? I don't know, it's just like, it's just something. It's like fun type stuff. What do you, I mean, remember that fucking windy death trap of the hills I was at? Yeah. That was crazy. People drunk. People jogging windy death trap of the hills I was at? Yeah. That was crazy.

Starting point is 00:15:05 People drunk. People jogging down the middle of the street. People all in ninja black at the middle of the night, walking their black labs on a 20, 30 foot leash. Like, what is this? Linda, Debbie, come on. Girl, my favorite thing lately is 90 pound women walking with huge dogs off the leash.

Starting point is 00:15:21 And then I walked by and they grabbed the collar. I said, if that dog wants to kill me, what are you gonna do? Oh, you. That's like a race car deploying that parachute and it's the size of a slice of cheese. I ain't nothing. Nothing.

Starting point is 00:15:35 Girl, do you think, do you think? My fear, no, no, my caution. I'm on high alert when I'm in the car. I mean, it is, I'm never relaxed in the car. I am content because we got the whole music library at our fingertips. Right. Any podcast, you can put it on.

Starting point is 00:15:53 So you can't complain about traffic. You just can't do it. But you budget for time. You cannot rush. You cannot rush. You can't do it. You can't rush. You can't do it. You can't do it. You can't rush. You can't do it.

Starting point is 00:16:07 You can't do it. You can't speed through a red light because you're late. You can't, sorry. Well, I was also trying to research the safest cars because I thought, well, if we're getting our training bra a little bit again, right, and my, you know, my nipples, I've just started the hormones. You're tender.

Starting point is 00:16:21 And my nipples are just kind of like sort of bubble. Yeah, yeah, yeah, breast buds. Right, breast buds. And before I can put just kind of like sort of bubble. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Breast buds. Right, breast buds. And before I can put the clothespins on and really have some fun, I need to- You can't get wired. Right, I can't get my nipples wired right now. You know?

Starting point is 00:16:34 So I was basically- With jumper cables. With jumper cables. So I'm trying to figure out how to get the safest car. And then, you know, one of the safest options I was finding was a test. And I was like, we're not doing that, thank you. Sure. And then, you know, one of the safest options I was finding was a Tesla. And I was like, we're not doing that, thank you. Sure.

Starting point is 00:16:47 And then I think of myself parking at the PS Direct because at the PS Direct, you can park your car. Oh, you can, but why do you? But it's four cyber trucks and my like high-end Elantra. No, my mama, if you're doing PSI Love You LAX, they're gonna pick you up. They don't offer that anymore. What are you talking about?

Starting point is 00:17:03 Now when we get those cars with the private booking, they don't offer the car with it anymore. That's OK. I want to get picked up literally. They come into my house. And that's the thing. Driving is cute, but sitting in the back playing on your phone is gorgeous. Gorgeous, absolutely.

Starting point is 00:17:14 Yeah. Also, there's something about I put, perhaps foolishly, my trust in an Armenian man more than anybody else in this world. Of course. Because these Armenian men get me to where I've got to go and they do it sometimes dangerously, but we're always coming out on top. While being on a family conference call.

Starting point is 00:17:32 Yes. Zoom. Yes. Yes. It's great. Zoom. Just a deep, long conversation. And you look at the phone and they're on like two hours.

Starting point is 00:17:42 You better just work. But there was one time, I can't believe it's only been one time, but girl, I think I probably told you about this. I thought my black car driver was absolutely drunk and on drugs. I told you about the time I got out of a car and just said, you drive crazy, bye.

Starting point is 00:18:01 That's terrifying. Yeah, I didn't know. That's the terrifier. That's the terrifier. But I mean, I don't do the highways. I don't do the, I don know. That's the terrifier. That's the terrifier. But I mean, I don't do the highways. I don't do the, I don't fuck with the freeway. What about the byways? I love the byways. Love the triways.

Starting point is 00:18:12 Love the byways. I love Miss Cahuenga Pass. Ooh, ow, shit. I'm sick of the byway erasure. Thank you. Miss Cahuenga Pass, socks it to you. But I do wanna- Miss Cahuenga, she's passing.

Starting point is 00:18:22 She's passing. Miss Cahuenga, she could pass. Cuenca doesn't give break. Cuenca, there's no breaks on a Cuenca. Ha ha ha ha. Today's episode of Ball in the Beautiful is sponsored by Airbnb. So I have to tell you guys, I went all the way up to my hometown of Wasacky, Wisconsin. In Wasacky, we have two motels.

Starting point is 00:18:47 I've never stayed at either of them. But when I travel, especially when I travel up north, where honestly you guys, I love where I'm from, but on an average weeknight, we don't even have one restaurant open. So I like to be able to cook breakfast. I like people to cook dinner if I want lunch, whatever. So I wanted to rent able to cook breakfast. I like to be able to cook dinner if I want, lunch, whatever. So I wanted to rent somewhere to stay. I got a four, it was like a four bedroom, but it sleeps like six or eight technically.

Starting point is 00:19:13 I got a huge cabin right outside of Wasaki on the river. And it was perfect for me. It was perfect, great wifi. I mean, it had really clear directions on how to use everything from the Wi-Fi to the stove for the TV, everything. I mean, nice hot stove to make breakfast to my underwear in the morning.

Starting point is 00:19:32 Huge lofted ceiling, like giant king-size bed with like a cabin quilt on it. I mean, I slept like a baby, a perfect little baby. I love, I mean, being able to travel and eat, like all I did, I brought like, you know, I brought like pancake mix, I brought like some cans of soup, but I didn't have to bring utensils. I brought pans and then I got there and I was like,

Starting point is 00:19:55 I don't even need these. I mean, everything was provided for me. I also love this feature with the Airbnb app where like you can kind of plan ahead. So let's say I'm going to Florida and far in advance of my trip, I can start checking out the area and start favoriting different like options.

Starting point is 00:20:11 And that way when it comes time to crunch time, like I've done a lot of my perusing, my browsing for bookings and I've got them kind of favorited. So in Milwaukee and you know, like my brother lives in Minneapolis, like anywhere that I'm gonna stay, I always have a few favorited because it helps me just to make a quick reservation when it's time.

Starting point is 00:20:31 All trips are better with Airbnb. I love it. If you want more space, more privacy, and a better location, and the most loved homes, check out airbnb.com or download the Airbnb app. Today's episode of Ball of the Beautiful is brought to you by Chime. You guys, normally I speak to you by Chime.

Starting point is 00:20:45 You guys, normally I speak to you like a little girl, but she's not here right now. Yes I am. Well, nobody wants to hear from you today. Yes they do. Why do you think that everybody needs to hear from you? I mean, what is your name? All you ever say is that you're a little girl.

Starting point is 00:21:00 I don't have a name because I'm just a little girl. Well, why do you love Chime so much? I mean, what I know about Chime is that it's a checking account that helps people who are working on financial progress. Nobody is perfect, okay? I have, in my life, overdrawn to an embarrassing amount and had the bank, I've had to be on the phone with the bank and have them read me because I didn't realize how fiercely I was overdrafting.

Starting point is 00:21:26 A lot of these banks will have things where they're like, oh, we'll cover you. They'll let you overdraft almost in a predatory way. And like, that's not helpful to me. You know what I mean? I completely agree. That's why Chime has spot me. And that's why Chime will spot you up to $200

Starting point is 00:21:43 when you exceed your balance. My mom took me to Six Flags Magic M- Nobody cares, okay? I'm trying to tell people about their financial responsibility. Okay. There's also MyPay, which is the best way to access your pay. Get MyPay when you set up qualifying direct deposits at $200 or more.

Starting point is 00:22:00 Get your pay any day. Not to age myself, but I've had jobs where I have to go pick up a paper check and drive it to the bank. It's horrible. Being able to just have your money on payday exist in your bank account is truly magic. Make progress toward a better financial future with Chime.

Starting point is 00:22:16 Open your account in two minutes at chime.com slash bald. That's chime.com slash bald. Chime feels like progress. Yeah. Banking services and debit card provided by the Bancorp Bank NA or Stride Bank NA members FDIC. Spot me eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply.

Starting point is 00:22:30 Fees apply at out of network ATMs. My pay eligibility requirements apply. Credit limits range 20 to $500. $2 fee applies to get funds instantly. Chime check in account required. Go to chime.com slash disclosures for details. I just, I had a fun time. I felt empowered driving, but I got scared. And I was gonna drive through the day, but I got scared.

Starting point is 00:22:45 I mean, don't you think, don't you agree that- Do you guys drive here? No. You don't- Do you get scared? No. Nick, don't get scared. Do you get scared?

Starting point is 00:22:53 But I've been driving in California for 15 years. Yeah, it's different out here also. Oh, mama. Try learning how to drive in Boston. The thing is, like, Milwaukee, when I drove, I always felt safe. I knew exactly where I was going. I never felt any congestion.

Starting point is 00:23:04 I just, I'm like, I'm crossing safe. I knew exactly where I was going. I never felt any congestion. I just, I'm like, I'm crossing Hollywood Boulevard in my rental. I have to mention, I was trying to get that Lexus. I was trying to lease a Lexus because my accountant told me that if you lease it, you could like- Leasing makes sense.

Starting point is 00:23:18 You could write it off as a business expense if you use it for work. And you can always have a new car. And I was trying to get a car with a tall enough interior that I could sit and drag. Because I want to be able to ride to Netflix or something. You got to get the Pope Mobile. Well, they said the G-Wagon, that's what the NBA players get,

Starting point is 00:23:31 because it's high ceilings. Don't get the G-Wagon. But I was looking at this Lexus, and I said, well, why don't you let me know how much it is? I'm very wealthy. And they said, $1,200 a month? I said, is this car going to fuck me? Is this car going to cook me meals?

Starting point is 00:23:44 Is it an air fryer? What does it have? You think that's a lot? $1,200 a month for a car payment? My smart car was $400. For a lease. For a lease. A luxury vehicle in 2019. Is leasing more than a car payment? Not, I don't know, but...

Starting point is 00:24:02 Because now I'm like, I wanted a luxury because it's safer. A lot of these European and Asian, I wanted a luxury because it's safer. A lot of these European and Asian, Japanese technologies in the car are very safe. But now I'm like, well shit, should I just get the goddamn Toyota Tercel and just get the cheap car? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, because you want to have... You're going to be in the car quite a bit. Living? No, like, when I get in the car, I need to be comfortable. Right.

Starting point is 00:24:25 You know what I mean? Some of those cars that are, you know, I don't know. Don't get the G-Wagon. I was just looking for, I was researching cars with the tallest interior, so there was maybe a way I could sit in the car in a wig and not be like this. Mama, if you're in a wig, you're not getting behind the wheel.

Starting point is 00:24:42 That's where she dignity is. I'm not driving a drag. Oh, I see what you mean. Brandon would drive drag. Oh, I see what you're painting. Brandon would drive me. Oh, I see, I see, I see. Okay. Moonroof. This is giving Flintstones. Totally. The whole wig is perfect except the top that's completely blown out, asshole.

Starting point is 00:24:57 Yeah. Shit. I mean, don't get the G-Wagon. That's so douchey. Yeah. Well, should we tell people? To not get the G-Wagon. That's so douchey. Yeah, what should we tell people? To not get the G-Wagon? That we're fucking.

Starting point is 00:25:07 Ha ha ha! I swear to God, soft launch. Soft launch. I'm gonna soft launch my hard launch. Soft launch. Oh my God, wait. No, the G, you know when the G-Wagon starts at like 200 grand or something?

Starting point is 00:25:19 Yeah. It's crazy. You know the lesbians who wanna fuck us? Every time I joke about us fucking, they're like, ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Wait, is the Luigi Mangione sex tape thing real or fake? I don't think it's real. Okay. I spent a little bit of time trying to look for it.

Starting point is 00:25:34 Just a little bit of time. I feel conflicted because I do know it's a broken system and it's a political message. No, no, no, no. We're not talking about systems. I don't know if, I don't totally believe anybody should shoot anybody. Oh no, no, no.

Starting point is 00:25:44 I'm not cosigning shooting. I just want to see the man fucking. Right. I separate the shooter from the fucker. You know, it's like the art from the artist. Yeah. I think we do disagree on that one. No, I just, I can't say that there's many shooters

Starting point is 00:25:58 that I'm like, yeah. Right, no, I haven't, I haven't, not since John Wilkes Booth have I really been hot for shooters. Yeah. Wait, by the way, we gotta see fucking O'Mary.'t, not since John Wilkes Booth have I really been hot for shooters. Yeah. Wait, by the way, we gotta see fucking O'Mary. The gay version, John Wilkes Boots. John Wilkes Boots.

Starting point is 00:26:11 John Wilkes Boots. I know I gotta see O'Mary, I believe it's gonna be Betty Gilpin now. She is, it's gonna be Titus, it's Betty Gilpin is now, and then Titus, Burgess is next. Horny. And I think he's very, coming up very soon. And I'm gonna be in New York, I think,

Starting point is 00:26:24 when Cole comes back to do the thing, so that's when I think I's coming up very soon. And I'm gonna be in New York, I think, when Cole comes back to do the thing. So that's when I think I'm gonna get it, in April, right? Oh, maybe we can go together. Let's do it. We have to see it. We go to one event a year together. Maybe this is the one. I think that's gonna be great.

Starting point is 00:26:38 I went to see, right before I left for Australia, I saw Andrew's February show. Oh, the Valentine's. Yeah. He looked incredible. He looked incredible. That lattice costume, I Valentine's. Yeah. He looked incredible. He looked incredible. That lattice costume, I don't know what. It was incredible.

Starting point is 00:26:49 Yeah, she really ate the girls up. Yeah, it was beautiful. She really ate the girls up. What were the whores doing? Gay stuff, gay type stuff. Homosexual type stuff, ballet stuff, cupid stuff. I went to a movie premiere or a TV premiere last night. The Righteous Gemstones.

Starting point is 00:27:02 The Righteous Gemstones. Did you love that show? It's rare that I'm invited to something I actually really like the program. I was on a movie premiere or a TV premiere last night. The Righteous Gemstones. The Righteous Gemstones. Did you love that show? It's rare that I'm invited to something I actually really liked the program. Cause normally it's to Barbie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like Barbie, but I hadn't seen it.

Starting point is 00:27:12 So I don't know if I'm gonna like it. I love The Righteous Gemstones. So I was like, hell yeah. I went, they had a church choir singing and it was exciting. You know, I don't know anyone in that cast. Adam Devine. But I don't personally know any of them.

Starting point is 00:27:24 Oh, okay. John Goodman wasn't there, but that cast. Adam Devine. But I don't personally know any of them. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. John Goodman wasn't there, but Adam was and everybody was there and there was also no gay people that I knew there. So it was maybe the first time I've gone to something where I don't know anyone. And of course, like the caterers, the people running the event all know Trixie and Katya

Starting point is 00:27:41 because it's like young, cool people. What's the demographic at the premiere then? Well, it was like a heterosexual type thing. By Bible thumpers? No, because it's kind of a Bible, it kind of makes fun of mega churches. It was like Ted Lasso crowd. Yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 00:27:53 And it was a great premiere, two episodes, we got to watch one and two, great premiere. Thank God, thank God. I can't say much, but I just, I love that show. And I came home and watched a bunch of YouTube videos of mega churches doing that level production that they do. Cause in the series, they're like, you know. It's a Beyonce concert. She got a cannon. It's a Beyonce concert.

Starting point is 00:28:12 It's a full concert. And I watched videos of mega churches where they have Santa in a sleigh flying across the congregation in the sky. People dressed as angels flying. They better, they're fleecing you and not paying taxes. They better put on a fucking show. And I watched a bunch of preachers

Starting point is 00:28:27 doing crazy shit on TV, like touching people and they fall down. Oh yeah, tent revival shit. Yeah. That's the stuff I love. The dusty tent act, the snakes, the strychnine, drinking strychnine. You know about the snake shit?

Starting point is 00:28:39 Of course. They make you hold the snake and if it bites you, then you have the demon in you and you just die. Yeah. They're illegal, but people still have them. They black out the windows of the churches. It's so crazy. They have exemptions for churches that ayahuasca.

Starting point is 00:28:52 So people can do ayahuasca at these Brazilian churches or whatever. It's wild. But yeah, I mean, a megachurch, you better put it on a damn show. I had to suffer through Sunday's Catholic mass. Ugh. It's just, I mean, could you and I start a church? Absolutely. Like if we write a book that's supposed to be like a Bible,

Starting point is 00:29:08 could we get exempt status and just, why do they get it? Because it's a religious organization. We just need to become a religious organization. I just think it's weird that it's like, it's about giving. Give us money now. Passing it, like, why does believing in God cost money? Why is faith measured by, did you give money?

Starting point is 00:29:30 A telethon where they're like, Jesus really needs your money. It's a very ornate grift. Jesus has one outfit. He's dead. It's a grift. Although I've been thinking about this a lot, actually, though, the one, there is,

Starting point is 00:29:43 the only good thing about religion is working like community, right? Right. You know, like-minded people, you stay connected, you help each other, they do the bake sales. Sure. They raise money for the community outreach and all that crap.

Starting point is 00:29:56 This mega church, these Joel Osteen motherfuckers, these billionaire pastors who are not helping during floods and shit, they need to be drawn and quartered. That shit is unforgivable. Yeah, it was also it was raining, so they had it on the Paramount lot in one of the sound stages. So it was a big red carpet and everything.

Starting point is 00:30:14 And I got to go on the red carpet even though I'm not in it. Really? What did you wear? Well, I did this funny thing last year when I was anorexic thin, which was buy a bunch of suits that don't fit anymore. So, mama's just getting male corseted up Well, I did this funny thing last year when I was anorexic thin, which was buy a bunch of suits that don't fit anymore. So mama's just getting male corseted up and going to the functions.

Starting point is 00:30:31 Face looking pillowed like JD Vance, just trying to bronze his size. Trying to chisel. Like JLo, not JD. Trying to chisel down the face, just trying to shrink the face somehow. You are so dysmorphic, it's unbelievable. Literally, you have no idea.

Starting point is 00:30:44 Walked around my house screaming. Screaming before and after I went, I woke up this morning and started screaming. Cause I went to the event and I thought it was cute last night to have five drinks at the event. You woke up screaming. I woke up screaming because I had five drinks, woke up. And I'm still adjusting the time change from Australia.

Starting point is 00:31:00 And you know, when you have alcohol in your system, it converts to sugar. So sometimes you wake up early anyway. I don't anyway. So I'm up at 6 a.m. Watching... 6 a.m. 6 a.m. Watching Roseanne, because apparently when I went to bed half drunk,

Starting point is 00:31:11 I wanted to watch more John Goodman, because I love John Goodman. I do too. He's so good. He's so good on The Righteous Gemstones. He plays Eli Gemstone, and everybody in that cast is so good. That shit is, that's some of the hardest

Starting point is 00:31:21 I've ever laughed at TV in my life. I'm gonna get into it. You gotta get into Judy Gemstone. You gotta get into all of them. I'm gonna get into it. You gotta get into Judy Gemstone. You gotta get into all of them. I'm gonna get into it. Gay shit, all of it. And I woke up this morning feeling, I had a great time at the premiere.

Starting point is 00:31:33 I had so much fun. Of course I know one person there, one person, Naomi Grossman, who plays Pepper from American Horror Story. Get outta here. I did a photo shoot with her once and I go, hey, you're the only person I know here. And she was like, you always say hi to me,

Starting point is 00:31:46 like you don't think I'm gonna know who you are. And I was like, well, I never know, cause last time I saw her I was in drag, so I don't know. So we're chatting, we're chatting, and then I tell her, you know, I had my little drink, but I'm gonna go home now. Stop by for one more on the way out. Stop by where?

Starting point is 00:31:59 The bar. The bar. So then after three more, I know that she sees me and I know why she knows I told her I was leaving. So she sees me, Miss Bald Lush, posted up at a table throwing him back. Miss drunk? Open bar, I'm not even in this cast.

Starting point is 00:32:14 The cast has left. Open bar, you have to take advantage of that. Isn't that horrible? No, it's not horrible. Like, it's horrible. No, it's not. Well, waking up screaming is horrible. Taking advantage of an opportunity is lovely.

Starting point is 00:32:25 Waking up screaming, and you know, I've been having some body issues, and then when you drink alcohol, you feel puffy. So I woke up this morning in bed feeling like one of those robotic hamsters, the dancing hamster vibe. Like, I just started screaming. I just started screaming.

Starting point is 00:32:40 I woke up, I had one bowl of honey bunches of oats with almonds and then screamed more. Oh my God. And then I just had to come here. Well, I had one bowl of honey bunches of oats with almonds and then screamed more. Oh my God. And then I just had to come here. Well, shit. And so you're welcome. Ha ha ha!

Starting point is 00:32:54 Hungry Root, The Root, The Root, The Root is on fire. Today's episode of Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by Hungry Root. And when it comes to cooking and eating, I've got this problem. You guys know I've been trying to be a better cook because I have a six burner stove, which is such a privilege.

Starting point is 00:33:09 And so I've been trying to push my cooking skills even though they are so rudimentary. And I'm also trying to, if I cook at home, make food that is, dare I say, good for me, healthy and easy to make. And thanks to Hungry Root, it's the easiest way to eat healthy. It's like having a personal nutritionist.

Starting point is 00:33:27 It takes the stress out of meal planning by recommending delicious recipes tailored to your tastes, your nutrition preferences, your health goals. You guys, I'm a picky eater, and I also have a hard time deciding what to eat. So not only do I need things suggested for me, but I have strict diet restrictions, which is a little unfair to put on a person,

Starting point is 00:33:46 so I'm glad Hungry Root can do that for me. They make it easy to eat high quality nutritious foods and achieve any diet health goals by tailoring recipes to a variety of styles. Like for me, because of my arthritis, I'm always trying to flirt with an anti-inflammatory diet, but I'm always intimidated by how to do that and have it taste good.

Starting point is 00:34:03 But Hungry Root helps me. There's no high fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners, no preservatives of any kind in any of Hungry Root's foods. They only source top quality meat and seafood free of hormones and antibiotics. All Hungry Root's recipes can be made in just 15 minutes or less.

Starting point is 00:34:19 And with over 15,000 recipes shipped each week, there's something for everyone's taste and nutritional preference. I really love Hungry Root. They sent me this item. I'm always trying to like, sad to be a lifelong vegetarian and not really be good at cooking tofu.

Starting point is 00:34:33 I feel like it either turns out burnt or too soft. And some of the dishes that I've been working with with Hungry Root is teaching me that this tofu, honestly, you just cannot be afraid of like flavor blasting that, you know, MF'er, okay? You just gotta really hit it with the seasoning. I'm trying to not be a cringe, you know, person who doesn't season their food anymore.

Starting point is 00:34:53 I'm trying to do a better job. And Hungry Root is really helping me. You're gonna love Hungry Root as much as I do. Take advantage of the exclusive offer. For a limited time, get 40% off your first box, plus get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungryroot.com slash bald and use the code bald. That's hungryroot.com slash bald. This episode is sponsored by ZocDoc. As you may or may not know, humans are shockingly adept at procrastination.

Starting point is 00:35:24 We will put things off for months, if not years, and in most cases, it's not a huge deal. If the hydrangea bushes aren't properly trimmed before the neighborhood block party, who cares? Stephanie from down the street will make some snide remarks about the bushes as she also complains about your ambrosia salad recipe, but that's the status quo for Stephanie

Starting point is 00:35:41 and her heinous personality. If you're putting off a doctor's appointment because you think that rash will go away on its own, however, that could actually be a big deal. So why not make booking that appointment with a great doctor as painless as possible? Thanks to ZocDoc, there's no reason to delay. They make it ridiculously easy to find and book a doctor who's right for you. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. They have over 100,000 doctors from literally any specialty including proctology, urology,

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Starting point is 00:37:07 That's z-o-c-d-o-c dot com slash bald. Zocdoc.com slash bald. Squarespace, baby! Today's episode of Bald in the Beautiful is brought to you by our friends at Squarespace. This is what I like about Squarespace. I feel that everybody should have the freedom to make their own little website, either for your business, pictures of your dog, recipes you like to make, your travel vlog, maybe you're living the van life, maybe you are trying to do the Julia and Julia

Starting point is 00:37:41 and cook something every day for like 100 days or whatever. I think that everybody should be able to do that and it should be as accessible as possible because let me tell you, Squarespace, the way you can be a complete dunce and turn out a gorgeous website, it has the web designers shook. And let me tell you, I've worked with web designers,

Starting point is 00:37:57 it's awful. I've worked with independent web designers, it's awful. I've worked with web design firms, it's awful. It's so freeing as a small business and a creator and a creative person to get an idea for my website or like fresh out of Photoshop, I can find a photo I really like and throw it onto the website.

Starting point is 00:38:12 Something else I really like is that there's engines in this that tell you what people are doing on your website. You can see what they click first. If they click this button, what else do they click? You could see exactly at what point they maybe abandoned the cart. You could see if they click this button, what else do they click? You could see exactly at what point they maybe abandoned the cart. You could see if somebody likes this lip product, let's say,

Starting point is 00:38:30 it's very likely they also are going to click on this. So you kind of see how people logically link products themselves. I think that's really interesting, too. When I was working as a bridal makeup artist in my 20s, it was so nice to be able to do a wedding on Saturday, get the pictures by Monday from the photographer, and have brand new, fresh, recent wedding photos of a bride and groom or a bride and bride or a groom and groom on the website from like, I could be actively

Starting point is 00:38:53 doing spring weddings and putting up photos from spring weddings. It was really nice. I also really love the scheduling. My massage therapist uses this tool and instead of me texting them and harassing him and being like, when are you free? When are you free? I'll just go in and I'll book a massage with him right in the schedule in the website, and I don't even have to text him.

Starting point is 00:39:13 I've texted him and been like, hey, I booked on your website, did you see that? And he's like, oh yeah, you're all good. You don't even have to text me. And it's really nice. It makes you feel like less of a stalker when you're just trying to like get somebody to give you their availability. And also fierce email campaigns. I mean, at Trixie Cosmetics, It's really nice. It makes you feel like less of a stalker when you're just trying to like get somebody

Starting point is 00:39:25 to give you their availability. And also fierce email campaigns. I mean, at Trixie Cosmetics, something like 35% of our emails get opened and most people, what gets opened is like under 1%. So if you make them compelling and you make them really fun, people definitely look at your emails.

Starting point is 00:39:39 Head over to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to www.squarespace.com slash bald and save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's www.squarespace.com slash bald, baby. I will see you on the internet. And then with the time change, I went to, I said, I'm gonna lay down before I come here.

Starting point is 00:39:59 I lay on the couch, I put a pillow over my own face and sleep like this. And Brandon calls me and goes, I'm outside. It's 2.50. I go, or it's 1.50. I go, oh my God. I know, I get the text, we were shooting at 2 p.m. in the calendar

Starting point is 00:40:12 and I get a text I overslept. I was like, oh gosh, what does that mean? Yeah. What does that mean? When you go to a premiere and you don't know anyone in it, it's thrilling to get to see actors you don't know that are major stars like Danny McBride and, you know, Adam and everyone.

Starting point is 00:40:26 I was just like, oh my God. It was really fun. I was behind the press people because they're interviewing the real cast and it's their final season. So, you know, it's very big press thing. And I'm behind the cameras interviewing them like... Because I love the programs.

Starting point is 00:40:40 I'm like... Beers. And I don't know how I was invited. I think I was the only gay person. I think I'm prob... How were you't know how I was invited. I think I was the only gay person. I think I'm prob... How were you? Did you tweet about the show or whatever? Well yeah, because I was thrilled to see it.

Starting point is 00:40:51 This was one of the only things I've been invited to where if I wasn't invited, I would have broken into that lot to watch this premiere. I just love that show. Gotcha. I mean, I loved... I had a ball at the Nosferatu premiere. People were always... They wanted me to talk about it. It was great. That's it. Close that. But when you... wanted me to talk about it. It was great. That's it. Close that. But when you go talk about it, I know, no, no. Like the fans wanted me to like, what did you think of this film? Oh, well, what did you think of it? It was good. But I think my, my enjoyment of it was heightened dramatically by being at the premiere.

Starting point is 00:41:19 Of course, because they were all there. And it was like, I don't, it was great. It was technically beautiful, but I don't want to watch it again. So there's that. Yeah. But we got to talk about the Oscars. I know this is like three months later, three months later, but you didn't, did you even watch the Oscars?

Starting point is 00:41:35 No, I was in Australia. Fuck. I was, so when- I saw your thing about Demi that really hit you hard. It did hit me hard because I don't know this woman. We are not friends. We have never met.

Starting point is 00:41:49 That doesn't ever seem to stop you. Nobody is entitled or owed anything in this world, certainly not by the Academy of Motion Pictures, Arts and Sciences. Yes. But it was shocked and I screamed and then I was deflated for like, I was like deflated for like 20 minutes after. And then I continued to be wistful and rueful for the next, well until now.

Starting point is 00:42:16 Well you know, I just... Difficult with horror as you know. I know but see, and listen... Everybody says, what's the movie that did win with the gorgeous gal... Anora? ...Mikey? Everyone says it's amazing. So maybe it is so amazing. I saw it. Funny thing about that movie, though...

Starting point is 00:42:32 I heard it's amazing. It's... There's some... Yes. However, there are some... I heard some very interesting accusations that half of it was filmed non-union. And that only by getting harassed did the director then unionize and then give people insurance. So there was some like, there might have been some kooky stuff going on because it's a very low budget movie. Right. And they didn't have intimacy coordinators, yada, yada, yada. So they were like,

Starting point is 00:42:59 some people were arguing that that movie should not even have been up for Best Picture. Oh, because, okay, I understand what you're saying. I didn't hear about that. It could not be true. It was like, but the person that I read it, the thread that I was, it seemed kind of legit, so I thought that was interesting to investigate.

Starting point is 00:43:13 However... I wanna see it, because I do like Miss Mikey. She eats and everything. Yeah, it's cool. I loved the Russian part, because there's actual Russian people in it speaking actual Russian, not some like horrible, horrible bangle,

Starting point is 00:43:26 you know, shitty, like, accent from Germany or whatever. But she's young. The thing that happened is that the substance happened. Sue won. Right. She could have played Sue in the substance. Do you really... You know what I mean? The poetic irony of it is to...

Starting point is 00:43:45 What about Rodney McDowell or whatever? What's her name? Margot Qualie. Rodney McDowell? I... Isn't it McDowell's daughter? Yes, yes. Rodney, but you know what I mean. No, but I'm saying is like,

Starting point is 00:43:56 it turned out to be true. Like, her, the Ange-Nous' first major thing, she wins an Oscar. I... But you know what? No, she ate and I don't wanna like discount her or discredit her, but if Demi had won, I think everybody would have,

Starting point is 00:44:14 every single person would have been like, thank God. Nobody would have been disappointed. Mikey would not have been disappointed. You know what I mean? Fernanda Torres would not have been disappointed, although Brazil would probably put a head out onto me. Yeah, I mean, can I just be honest though? Yeah. Don't you think part of anybody with,

Starting point is 00:44:30 I mean, if we ever get nominated for real awards, I'll be really happy. Yeah. But you know that shit is not qualifying anyone's performance or acting. No, no, no. I know, but no, it's not. They're both great actresses, they're both great films.

Starting point is 00:44:42 Everybody wins here. But it's just, it would have been an opportunity for there to be a meta moment that is actually meaningful. Sure. And actually, more importantly, it would have had a kick in the door for horror. Yeah. She got a Golden Globe, though, and all these wonderful nominations. Still a good kick for horror. Yeah, but at 62, it's like... you know, it's, I mean, yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:07 And Mikey wasn't, she was the killer in one of the Scream movies. She was, and then she was also- Spoiler alert. She was also burned to death in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Now that should have been best supporting actress

Starting point is 00:45:16 because that was gutsy. She, I love that shit. I know. She's like, that was you this morning. She starts on fire and scream too. I know. She's always on fire. She's lit. That was you this morning. She starts on fire and scream too. She's always on fire. She's lit. That girl's on fire.

Starting point is 00:45:29 Katniss Everdeen, the girl on fire. But I saw her face and I'm projecting, of course, when Demi, I could see it. I could see that. You took your Oscar and you whipped it through the TV. I saw her and she turned and I think she looked at someone and I was like, I could see it. She disappointed? Yeah. And I think that she knew, she lost the BAFTA.

Starting point is 00:45:53 So she felt like it was coming. I think that she was like, oh, fuck, this is not, this is not a sure thing. And then I think, so it was really rolling into the ceremony. I mean, this is like my Olympics or my Super Bowl. And I'm like, oh God, it's not gonna happen. Why is it your Olympics and your Super Bowl? When you don't watch all these movies. No, it's a confluence.

Starting point is 00:46:13 Well, this year sucked because half of the movies were shit, okay? But like- The Brutalist, did you hear it had intermission? Sweetie, I wanna talk about Adrian Brody's five record breaking speech where he says not one damn thing. He literally shushed the music and said,

Starting point is 00:46:30 I'll be brief after four minutes of talking. It was the most pretentious, ridiculous, only a man could ever do this kind of boot nasty speech where nothing was said of substance at all. And I'm like, you are such a piece of shit. I hate you. I hate your guts. Adrian Brody?

Starting point is 00:46:52 You hate Adrian Brody? I hate him. I'll go on. I'll say it to that camera. And that, wherever that went. Yeah. I don't know what they're saying about Amelia Perez. Oh, that's crazy.

Starting point is 00:47:00 But here's the thing though. Madonna, Madonna recently came out as saying Amelia Perez was her favorite movie of the year. I saw that. So with that comment, I am closing the spiritual door on Amelia Perez. It will never be discussed henceforth. Let's just, can we, you know what?

Starting point is 00:47:16 We all know how we feel about it, it's over. Yeah, it's, Madonna put a pin in it. Besides, at this point, if I go somewhere, and I'm gonna tell you, the money shit, we've talked about this movie, we will bump into Zoe Saldana. I'm gonna see her at Air One. Selena Gomez is gonna be the same.

Starting point is 00:47:31 And she's gonna kick me in the cunt with her shiny white kids. Well, she'll be like, yeah, she'll be like, keep crying jobless. Yes, hi bald. How was your movie? Don't have one? Are you right? How was your nomination?

Starting point is 00:47:41 Oh, you don't have a trans Mexican musical? Then shut up bitch. Like we're gonna, I'm sorry, we're gonna run into her. If I, I don't, well, it's over, it's done, complete. That's it. But, pour an L for Mikey. Do, keep one in for Adrian. Because keep it cute.

Starting point is 00:47:57 Venus to vagina. Keep it cute at the, like Merritt Weaver. You know Merritt Weaver, Nurse Jackie? Well, can I say, you and I both hate when they don't have a plan. Well, Jessica, yes, Jessica Lange summed it up beautifully. She's like, I keep it brief. I don't thank God.

Starting point is 00:48:14 I don't thank, I don't tell my children to go to bed. I don't proselytize for any purpose. I thank the people that I worked for because anything else is really pretentious. Yeah, where's that? I just want to say, just on my station with my mom, mom, if you're watching this, you should be, for any purpose, I think the people that I worked for, because anything else is really pretentious. Yeah. Whereas I just want to say, just a message from my mom, mom, if you're watching this, you should be, you died three years ago.

Starting point is 00:48:30 What are you doing? You know? Yeah, Uncle George, if you're watching this, you molested me. Pfft. I mean, that happens. Yeah. Shouldn't you be drunk by now?

Starting point is 00:48:40 You know? I also take issue with, and this happened a little bit at the gemstones, but it happens at every talkback where they ask them like, I know it's all great actors. I know it's all great performers, but sometimes when we all reach into each other's laps

Starting point is 00:48:56 and start jerking each other off, sometimes I just wanna hear how fun it was to do your own stunt. Yeah. Like I know it's a great group of people. I know it's a privilege to be a working actor. Some of these things, I am like, all right. I'm like, you know when you're, the steering wheel,

Starting point is 00:49:12 cause I drive, has that skip button. I wish I could skip some comments and talk backs cause they're so limited that I'm like, if we have 20 minutes, I want to hear the most interesting shit. Absolutely. We should at the top just take for granted that we all appreciate each other.

Starting point is 00:49:24 That's a given. But now tell me, what was it like to wear that bunny suit and get kicked off a roof? You know what I mean? Yes, I do. That's what I wanna hear. No shit, Mary. Also, these people in front,

Starting point is 00:49:34 I can handle shenanigans from best costume designer, people behind the camera. If you're a performer, oh sweetie, and you are nominated, when you hit that stage, you got three plans, all memorized. You got the emotional one, you got the stoic one, you got the very short and sweet one, and you know them all by heart,

Starting point is 00:49:53 you're not searching for anything, you're not even looking at a piece of paper, you're prepared, you're a performer. Like, you can fake cry, like, on a dime. So do it, and get out of there. You know what I mean? It's crazy. I think I would do the Halle Berry cry

Starting point is 00:50:09 the moment she walks up like. But that was, that was nuts. Like that's why I love that. But she was like, ah. I go up there, I pull my wig off to reveal the same wig. I take off both my shoes to show my square toes. No, you take off your shoes, you pour up, there's like tons of water.

Starting point is 00:50:25 I smile and it's Scrabble towels. I say, thank you. And I leave. Now that's it. Now that's it. You showed the girl. Penis and vagina. We got to, we said we wouldn't talk about it.

Starting point is 00:50:34 No, I'm not gonna, no, we can't. We can't. You talked about it. I kept my promise. Yeah, but you like made me like spiritually. You know, cause I know you were thinking about my penis and my vagina. Well, Darryl Hannah came out at were thinking about my penis and my vagina.

Starting point is 00:50:45 Well, Darryl Hannah came out at one point and I was like, yes. First thing out of her mouth, Ukraine. I don't know why. I mean, I know why, but you know, she was like. I don't know why. But I mean like, but it was, again, it was like, this is not a rally, but anyways, she was cunt girl.

Starting point is 00:51:02 Darryl Hannah is cunt. Of course. She's very cunt. Darryl Hannah is cunt. Of course, she's very cunt. Darryl Hannah is cunt. There's not an oper... I mean, Andrew was telling me that she said once at a party, you know, sometimes you gotta get, just gotta grab your person run. T.

Starting point is 00:51:15 That's completely T. I've been rewatching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. No, okay. I watch it like once every couple years. How many seasons is that? There's seven. And this is back when TV was doing 22 episode seasons watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. No, okay. I watch it like once every couple years. How many seasons is that? There's seven. And this is back when TV was doing 22 episode seasons

Starting point is 00:51:30 and they were 45 minutes long. That's what I need to talk to you about. Where have all the cowboys gone? They're on Yellowstone. Sweetie, Dune Prophecy, six episodes, flop. Six episodes on a big budget Sunday night prestige HBO event. Sometimes you gotta grab your person, go. But I'm on season three right now,

Starting point is 00:51:50 which is one of my favorite seasons. I know you're not a Buffy person. No, no, but I'm interested. But when Faith shows up, who's the bad Slayer, there's an evil Slayer, and you have Buffy versus Slayer, Blonde versus Burnett, she's like slutty with the tattoos and kind of like a bad girl and Buffy's so goody-goody. Played by who? Who would play her?

Starting point is 00:52:03 Eliza Dishku, who's... Oh, love her. Hot as hell. I love her. She's like slutty with the tattoos and kind of like a bad girl and Buffy's so goody goody. Who would play her? Eliza Dishka who's- Oh, love her. Hot as hell. I love her. Hot as the big cherry lips, the smoky eye, the dead panel. She kind of gets anadate arm muscles a little bit.

Starting point is 00:52:13 She's so fucking good. And I follow her on Instagram and now she does primarily activism because she had some not so safe experiences when she was a young actress. So now she does a lot of work like that but she looks exactly the same. It's gorge.

Starting point is 00:52:26 Body, T. Her body T, her face pretty, her body T. Her house is boots. And I'm watching it and I'm just like, God, nothing fucking beats Buffy verse Faith in this season. Nothing beats goody goody tan blonde Buffy against slutty evil Faith with the big knife. And I'm watching it and I forget that in season three,

Starting point is 00:52:47 there's an episode called, I think it's called, which one's the one about the shooter? It's a high school, Buffy's in a high school. She's a senior this year. And there's an ear shot. There's an episode where she fights these two demons who have telepathy and they have no mouths. And she gets some blood on her

Starting point is 00:53:06 and the blood goes into her skin and she gets the power. She gets an aspect of the demon and she gets the power to hear thoughts. So first off, he's like, this is amazing. I'm gonna be a better fighter. I can read everyone's feelings around me. And for storytelling, it's a great episode to hear what everyone's secretly thinking.

Starting point is 00:53:20 Sure. But this is an episode that I believe, you can fact check me an episode that I believe, you can fact check me on this, I believe at the time it was scheduled. Okay, I'll tell you what the episode, she's in the lunchroom and she hears a voice go, this time tomorrow you'll all be dead.

Starting point is 00:53:34 So Buffy's like, oh my God, somebody in the high school is gonna kill everyone. So she's trying to cure her hearing thoughts because they're so numerous, she passes out when she's in a group of people because she can hear everyone's thoughts. So her and the Scooby gang are trying to find out who the shooter is by this time tomorrow.

Starting point is 00:53:51 So it's frantic, they're trying to interview people and it ends up being, she ends up in a clock tower at the school with a kid with a rifle. Oh. She stops this kid with a rifle who was gonna go up there to kill himself. This episode was meant to air during Columbine, right? Columbine happened the week before.

Starting point is 00:54:08 Columbine happened the week before. Oh my God. So back in 1998 or whatever, Columbine happened, horrible tragedy, and the next, unless you're Alex Jones who apparently thinks it didn't happen. Sure, right, right, yeah. Wormholes, whatever.

Starting point is 00:54:20 Yeah. So the next week, this episode's meant to air, and I'm like, just thinking of the... I mean, you can't predict the future when you're making these giant TV shows, 22 episodes in advance. And I think at the time, they pushed the episode to the end of the season,

Starting point is 00:54:36 even though it chronologically didn't make sense. But how crazy that the week that's supposed to air, there's an episode with a kid with a gun in a school. And also, I mean, maybe I'm wrong, wasn't... I know that school shootings are very numerous these days, but at that time, they were not. It was maybe just one a day. Yeah, yeah, right.

Starting point is 00:54:53 But it was a huge, huge, huge thing. I mean, I watched that Columbine documentary, and it was about, you know, info wars saying the parents are all liars and shit. It's a wreck. Can you fucking imagine that? I know. I... It was about, you know, Infowars saying they're all, the parents are all liars and shit. It's a wreck. Can you fucking imagine that? I know, I, I, ugh.

Starting point is 00:55:08 That documentary starts with the parents talking about getting their kids ready for school that day, what they ate, what clothes they put on them. I can't even listen to you, I would cry. It was awful. And then you have these, I think we talked about in the pod, but you had these parents being like, can you just acknowledge that like, my kid died?

Starting point is 00:55:24 That kid was murdered at school. Yeah. Can you not ask your millions of listeners or whatever to call me and tell me I'm a liar? That's so, that's brutal. I just love to rewatch Buffy. I know that's horrible. I'm gonna get it, I wanna watch Mad Men.

Starting point is 00:55:38 I do, cause you're going to eat. You're going to get gooned. You know what's gonna happen? Whenever I take a new information, I hyperfixate and I'll talk about Mad Men for a year, probably, so get ready for that. I'm sorry. I think that you're gonna, I believe, I don't think it'll be quite as strong,

Starting point is 00:55:53 but it'll be on par with Watchmen because it's kind of a perfect show. And Kiernan's in it. Ain't she a kid? Sweetie, yeah, she grows up. Blue. Blue. Damn.

Starting point is 00:56:04 She's great in it. She's a precocious youngster. She's fabulous. Can I tell you that pisses me off in movies when kids talk like adults? Precocious youngsters. Hate that. I hate it too.

Starting point is 00:56:14 Have you ever met a kid who's not talking like a little asshole? Controversial, but I cling to this opinion that Hollywood should not allow anyone under 18 to act. So all movies should just have no children? No, you can have them. They're just off screen. They're referred to, they're talked about. They're animatronic. Or maybe they're Renesmee.

Starting point is 00:56:32 They're CGI. Guess what? Season two is coming. What? The rehearsal. No way. Season two is coming, baby. What are they gonna do? Who knows?

Starting point is 00:56:40 Speaking of mannequins of kids, remember they would have the fake kids sleeping in there sometimes? That motherfucker. I mean, that motherfucker is... She's a disruptor. And then when, you saw the, I drink my grandson pee, right? Yes.

Starting point is 00:56:53 That was my, that's kind of like the moon landing for me. Right. That moment was like, that was... That was your moonlight. Yeah, that was like everything before my life and after that, cleaved in half. I know I think they should read best Oscar as the wrong thing every year as like a throwback Well, I was hoping yeah But what if they had done that to pour to me

Starting point is 00:57:16 Call the substance and that had been the wrong thing. Oh sweetie. You better believe I would I would have called technicality You said it give her the award Yes Plus I know this is like time-traveling I would I would have called technicality you said it give her the award Yes Plus I know this is like time-traveling. I remember being at this little Oscar party when that happened Miss Lava Land did not give me what it apparently gives everyone else that movie did not give me what it gave everyone else Sweetie, that's what's going on almost every year. There's always a girl up in that club That's not given what the other girls are given, but they're all given. You can't talk about it. I'm not sure who you're talking about. You better chill.

Starting point is 00:57:47 I'm talking about the other. Hey, hey, that Oscar's mine. God, someday I'm gonna go to an audition and they're gonna like, great, you're gonna have to read against the person who's gonna play your- Selena Gomez and Zoe Saldana. Yeah, yes, yes.

Starting point is 00:58:03 It's kind of a losing Isaiah remake. I'm playing the Halle Berry role and then Zoe is playing the Jessica Lange role and they had me read with her and Zoe's gonna be like. So flat, still bald. Yeah. Interesting of you to bring your heap of shit body in here and try to talk to me.

Starting point is 00:58:17 What do you do? Stay bald, jobless. Stay bald, jobless. Stay bald, jobless. Damn. But I didn't see the Brutalist, and I won't, it's okay. You've been watching the news?

Starting point is 00:58:32 No, I have not, because this is maybe not great, but because my life is in shambles, I also, like, I kinda need some reprieve. Right. Do you know what I mean? Because my home life is very not great right now. I know. So like, I don't wanna, it's like from my, my-

Starting point is 00:58:49 It's crazy that you created your own crack house to live in. No, no, no. You start stripping the walls. Yeah, but it's just not like, things at home are not like super comfy. Right. So I don't wanna like, it's just like self-flagellation. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:59:03 Maybe that's being a bad citizen. The other day it rained and I couldn't get in the hot tub, so I totally get it. I... See, when it rains, mama. When it rains, you're poor. Is it? Mama, let me tell you something.

Starting point is 00:59:18 So it rained, so I got holes in, I got a condo that is literally just like a ramshackle motherfucking thing. So when it rains, miss thing is she's pumping got a condo that is literally just like a ramshackle motherfucking thing. So when it rains, miss thing is she's pumping. My condo leaks too. At where we used to shoot the pod. Let me ask you this.

Starting point is 00:59:32 Or let me tell you this. What do you think these guys suggested as an interim solution? A tarp as a tent. In the home? Uh huh. Covering the deck. A tarp with a tent. Fixed with what?

Starting point is 00:59:45 A duct tape? Yeah, let's do that. To stucco? Sure. To stucco? I didn't stick to it. Mary? Paul building came down.

Starting point is 00:59:54 Neil deGrasse Tyson doesn't need to tell you that that's not gonna work. Right. Get Bob Vila down here. 10 minutes into the whole thing, I go and check on it, all down, pools, pools of... Blood. Yes. And I'm like, I go and check on it. All down pools, pools of blood. And I'm like, I'm like fierce. You know what? You know what? Actually, they are. By the way, if you guys notice, this is a new Trixie shirt. This is in collaboration

Starting point is 01:00:18 with the American Red Cross. This is going to benefit all the people who are deployed, mental health workers, skilled health workers, help to fully stock emergency response vehicles, supply a full-day emergency shelter, distribute cleanup kits stocked with essentials, and provide financial assistance for families who are trying to jumpstart recovery from very difficult situations.

Starting point is 01:00:39 Isn't it cool? We're helping the people who are affected by the LA fires. It has me on it. All the money, all of it. Not the thing where companies say a portion of the proceeds. All of it goes to help people who is affected. So enjoy this Trixie shirt in exchange for your support for people in need.

Starting point is 01:00:53 Love you. I love that shirt. Thank God. And also I love the, I love the beige color. I love the off white. It's nice, right? I love that.

Starting point is 01:01:02 I was gonna, we have a show this weekend. I think I'm gonna talk about bangs. You can come see some of the bald and the beautifuls here. I don nice, right? I love that. Um, I was gonna... We have a show this weekend. I think I'm gonna talk about bangs. You can come see some of the bald and the beautifuls here. I don't think we have any scheduled, but... Wait, before you do that, I have to reiterate, I really do, for all you drivers out there, if you are number one in line for that green left turn, you better be off your phone. You better be gooned.

Starting point is 01:01:19 You better be ready. You better be gooned, because you have one eye on the other lights. Yellow, that's the signal. You see that, sometimes there's only five seconds. You got 10 cars need to turn left at rush hour. You have a responsibility to your fellow citizen. Be a good American. All I ask is that you vote,

Starting point is 01:01:38 and you turn on green when it's time. I don't even care about the voting. Just get that green arrow. I don't even care about the blinker. Just get that heap of shit outta here. You better be on point and alert for your fellow drivers. You better. Give a hoot.

Starting point is 01:01:50 You better get that Fiat 500 outta here, okay? Can I tell you what happened to me? I was on tour and I've been having some back problems. You know, the type of arthritis I have starts in the spine. What? And so I have some very mild spinal fusion up here. And so it's- Mild spinal fusion? Yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 01:02:05 So it's degenerative. So I'm starting to like deal with some of it. And I was having my back lock up on tour from sitting in the seats and not sleeping right, you know, things, type of thing in the morning where I have to stretch first, the back hurts first thing. Roll, roll.

Starting point is 01:02:16 Yeah, but like in bed before I got out of bed, long child's pose, stuff like that. So I have to get a massage. So Brandon goes, you know, we're staying at the West and there's a spa in here. And I go, all right, I call, I go, do you guys have anybody who can do kind of like a sports massage style have to get a massage. So Brandon goes, you know, we're staying at the West and there's a spa in here. And I go, all right, I call, I go, do you guys have anybody who can do kind of like

Starting point is 01:02:28 a sports massage style, like a heavier massage? And they go, well, we can just, we had normal massage. We can ask for like a firm grip. And I said, okay, imagine the grip. Right, so I go in, I lay down and I feel bad cause I know that this person recognized me and I know that this person was a fan. It just was not enough pressure.

Starting point is 01:02:48 And so I was like, go hard, go hard. I said, I said, you know, I will like a 350 pound Bulgarian guy who hates fags to beat the shit out of me. But you know, it just, you will not, it'll be fine. And she goes, great. And she hands me a stone that says like courage and I go, great. So I lay down with that. So that's like, right, okay, great. And I'm gonna, and I love, like, courage. And I go, great. So I lay down with that.

Starting point is 01:03:05 So that's like, right, okay, great. And I love her. She was a lovely, if you're looking to relax, I think she was the massage for you, cause I fell asleep. Maybe a Reiki experience kind of thing. Kabbalah spiritual mother vibes. My back was so bad that it was taking Gabapentin

Starting point is 01:03:18 and doing icy hot, like it was bad. You needed physical therapy, essentially. Yes. She's giving, she's giving Miss Touchy Feely. She's giving Miss Groopy Roopy. She's giving aura of Roswell Numexta Co. Yeah. And I could tell that she was a supporter of the pod and a friend of ours.

Starting point is 01:03:31 Well then why did she get into it? Put her back into it. I felt bad being like, all right, if this is the pressure, I would rather just painful and leave now and find another massage. Oh fuck. But then I fell asleep. Oh okay.

Starting point is 01:03:42 So then I woke up and found another massage, walked over and this was the other end of the spectrum. This was all the lights on. Like just take off the shirt, I just need to see your back. And we're mainly gonna work with thumbs and knuckles, pressure point. Crowbars.

Starting point is 01:03:58 They asked me, they said, do you have a back injury? Everything's so crooked, you're swollen in so many different areas. Do you have a spinal injury? And I said, no. So then I go get an x-ray and they were like, oh, yeah, the area that's fused is like, you know, these two pitch of your spine are fused now,

Starting point is 01:04:12 and it's probably, you know, gonna have problems. And this guy, such fierce knuckle, in the back, up the back. Brass knuckles, babe. Kinetic by Wade. Kinetic by Wade in Brisbane. They got me together. That knuckle so deep in the back hurt it was- Brass knuckles beat. Kinetic by Wade. Kinetic by Wade in Brisbane. They got me together. That knuckle so deep in the back hurt so bad and treatment make me feel like I can't, I can't show vulnerability.

Starting point is 01:04:31 Perfect. So I'm basically fighting back tears how bad it hurts. But I'm also like, well, what are you paying for? Yeah. Do you want to get done dirt cheap? Yeah. No. I've ever seen Brock Yurich get fucking, they go underneath his fucking ribs.

Starting point is 01:04:43 He's screaming. Oh yeah. It's wild. Wild shit going on over there. It was very, they go underneath his fucking ribs. He's screaming. Oh yeah, it's wild. Wild shit going on over there. It was very, very, it was very beneficial because I just, I'd never experienced a massage that was so light handed that I was like, Mary, it sucks.

Starting point is 01:04:56 How about this one? Light hand, not only light handed, jewelry and nails. There you go. Poland. Cynthia, think about it. Shredding you. Mama, basically a granny with fucking rings and acrylics on, doing massage in Poland.

Starting point is 01:05:12 Am I, I've had the same massage guy for 10 years. Really? Yes, and he's a big, strong, huge hands, just football build. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So maybe I'm just used to a lot of pressure. Well, but I mean, any CMT certified massage therapist should be able to provide a full range of pressure.

Starting point is 01:05:30 They have to have strong hands. It's like, that's the job. I said, I want like really firm, as firm as you can do. And then I was like, well, there's really no use giving comment because if this is the lightest massage I've ever had, maybe I'm asking for- She needs to jump on the table because I had a Thai lady jump all over me.

Starting point is 01:05:46 And that's the thing, maybe I am asking someone salsa to dance hip hop, maybe it's just a different style and I was being unfair with what I expected. Because it was a spa and frankly, I don't give a shit about the tea, I don't give a shit about the robe. The humidifier and all the tinkly music and stuff. Back a car over me.

Starting point is 01:06:02 Yeah. Like I don't care about the dark lights. Put me in the car parking lot and drive over me like the Amazon truck. Yeah. And back to the hot tub too. The only reason, I do use it every day out of like, if you have one and you pay for it, you better get in it, you whore.

Starting point is 01:06:18 Get in it every day no matter what. Every day. Out of cheapness, I get in every day. Diarrhea? Cook myself in the hot diarrhea Why not in that brown soup? Hell? Yeah, I'll probably have diarrhea today. I Don't know about alcohol no, well, you know, listen, I don't want to tell nobody to do nothing but it's a poison Back in my day there was boys and girls

Starting point is 01:06:43 You know, it was Adam and Eve, not gin and tonic. You know, like I don't... Southern Comfort? What's so comfortable about it? Southern Comfort. Oh, man. Damn. Oh, yeah, when's the last time you got penetrated? Oh, my gosh. I can't even remember.

Starting point is 01:07:00 I jerked off with somebody the other day, though. I thought that was fun. Did they know? They did. In facted off with somebody the other day though. I thought that was fun. Did they know? They did. Okay, good. In fact, it was agreed upon before it started. Consent is, it's just fun. Yeah, and you know what's so fun?

Starting point is 01:07:13 What ended up happening though is that I got a little faggy and then like, cause sometimes I just don't have like a big sex drive right now. Right. And this is gonna be gross. I'm sorry to TMI. I haven't had an orgasm in over two weeks. Or three, I think, actually.

Starting point is 01:07:29 It's strange. You know when you wake up, maybe this doesn't have a... Wait, I have a penis, so just everybody knows. I don't know if we've... I do have a penis. I think we know. Yeah, you don't exactly hide it in drag. We all have to see it in those skimpy little body suits. Miss Knuckle. Miss White Leotard.

Starting point is 01:07:47 Miss Knuckle. Miss Knuckle. Like you've got Mr. Peanut on board here. Mrs. Peanut. Mrs. Peanut. Mrs. Peanut. Penis duvajon. Don't.

Starting point is 01:07:57 So, we sometimes when you wake up hungover, you're horny. I don't know if this ever happened to anybody else. You get horny, but then if you have the sex, you're horny. I don't know if this ever happened to anybody else. You get horny, but then if you have the sex, you get sicker. You sneeze on the beat in the beginning. Once you nut, once you hit that nut, you're like, oh, I might throw up now.

Starting point is 01:08:15 Cause the hangover hits then. Cause the distraction is over. That's so crazy. Imagine that you get, you get horny, but if you do the sex, you get sicker. So you're gonna like, you're risking, you're gonna suck that dick and then throw up on the dick. And then you're nauseous and your mouth tastes like calm and you're like, so now what?

Starting point is 01:08:32 Blech! You know? Damn. So I've been watching the news a lot in LA. I'm just kind of fixated on watching the news and the whole, so I found this great TikTok of news blooper, these audio, you will not believe what these people say. Let's see it, I wanna hear it, let me hear it. Listen to this bitch on the air. I'm these audio, you will not believe what these people say.

Starting point is 01:08:45 Listen to this bitch on the air. I'm so pale. She didn't know what was going on. You're on air. Today's snow is crippling much of the Washington lowland. Say their final goodbyes to this fallen Louisville police officer, D.D. Megadoodoo. Oh, that one!

Starting point is 01:09:04 Be so for real. Be so for real. D.D. Megadoodoo. Oh, that one! Be so for real. Be so for real. Dee Dee Mega Doodoo. A professional journalist. Dee Dee Mega Doodoo. It looks like... Deirdre Mengers something. Deirdre.

Starting point is 01:09:15 And the worst part is it's a fallen soldier, public servant. Pouring out for Mega Doodoo. We're not pouring one out for Dee Dee. When you see Deirdre, and you're not sure you could say Deanne, you could say Diana, you could say Miss Dee. You could say, or-

Starting point is 01:09:29 This lovely individual. Or this brave woman whose name I can't pronounce. Producer, can I have her name? You can even do that. And let me tell you this, bitch. Dee Dee Mega Do Do. You better not have me working with you. When you walk in the break room, I don't have the professionalism to not go,

Starting point is 01:09:46 so Dee Dee Mega Doo Doo. From Dee Dee to the Doo Doo. From Dee Dee. I got a couple for you. A slight chance of some participation, participation, per, per, it's rain. Is that a stroke? Is that a stroke?

Starting point is 01:10:00 Well, is that a stroke? When the weather gal can't say, you know, this is horny. You had one job. That it's four quarters for an hour. Hold weather gal can't say, you know, this is horny. You had one job. And it's four quarters for an hour. Hold on, I got one more for you. This is really fierce. Examiner's office.

Starting point is 01:10:10 My brother used to break a punch. Over the last two years, hundreds have landed in the Summit County Medical Examiner's office. My brother used to break in our house and steal the TV. But now he's dead. Oh, wow. Isn't that cunty?

Starting point is 01:10:23 The news? Dee Dee Mega Do Do. Dee Dee Mega Do Do. That is just. But now he's dead. Oh, wow. Isn't that cunty? The news? Dee Dee Mega Do Do. Dee Dee Mega Do Do. That is just. But now he's dead. You gotta be careful with that news voice because it can sound very cold to the dead. Everyone died.

Starting point is 01:10:36 Yeah, her name was Dee Dee Mega Do Do. Dee Dee Mega Do Do, Fox 11 news. I hate that kind of cadence, you know? I hate it too, it's wild. I mean, it's- What do you call that? Bad reporting? I mean-

Starting point is 01:10:50 Well, I asked a reporter why they do that. He said it's so that when you're in the field, they know when, all right, that segment is, they're done talking. It's a button. It's your over. Yeah, gotcha, gotcha. I mean, live reporting is, I mean, can you imagine?

Starting point is 01:11:02 Live TV? Live on the scene? We do one live event a year and it takes a village for us to sit and speak. Hello, thank you. And also, yeah, D.D. Megadoodoo. D.D. Megadoodoo. It's like, D.D. Megadoo don't.

Starting point is 01:11:19 Just say that girl. Deirdre. It's a horrible name. How did you, it's Deirdre. Hey babe, horrible name. How did you... It's Deirdre. I'm gonna... Hey, babe, what do you think about for our daughter's name? Kelly or Simone or like Natalie? Deirdre.

Starting point is 01:11:34 Deirdre. What a fucking horrible name. I know. It might as well be... Dee Dee's better. A name that is only going to get nicknamed. Do you know what I mean? It's like, why do you do that?

Starting point is 01:11:45 Why do you force the, like, I don't get that. What is that? A name that is like Margaret? Well, that's right up there with a normal name. Like Brandon's mom told me she almost did B-R-A-N-D-E-N. I was like, he would have been having to fix that his whole life. That would have been horrible.

Starting point is 01:12:01 I know, it's crazy. Brian B-R-I-E-N or some shit, what the fuck? Mary, don't get creative with the spelling. Don't get creative. It's just a label. It's just a label. Focus on what's inside. All right, well, thank you for having us here at the pod.

Starting point is 01:12:11 Pouring out for Megadoodoo. Megadoodoo, goodbye. Today's episode of Ballin' the Beautiful is sponsored by Airbnb. So I have to tell you guys, I went all the way up to my hometown of Wasaki, Wisconsin. And in Wasaki, we have two motels. I've never stayed at either of them. But when I travel, especially when I travel up north, we're honestly guys, I love where I'm from. But on an on an average weeknight, we don't even have one rep like one restaurant open. So I like to be able to cook breakfast. I like people to cook dinner if I

Starting point is 01:13:03 want lunch, whatever. So I wanted to be able to cook breakfast. I like people to cook dinner if I want lunch, whatever. So I wanted to rent somewhere to stay. I got a four, it was like a four bedroom, but it sleeps like six or eight technically. I got a huge cabin right outside of Wasaki on the river. And it was perfect for me. It was perfect, great wifi. I mean, it had really clear directions on how to use everything from the Wi-Fi

Starting point is 01:13:27 to the stove, to the TV, everything. I mean, nice hot stove to make breakfast to my underwear in the morning. Huge lofted ceiling, like giant king-size bed with like a cabin quilt on it. I mean, I slept like a baby, a perfect little baby. I love, I mean, being able to travel and eat, like all I did, I brought like, you know,

Starting point is 01:13:49 I brought like pancake mix. I brought like some cans of soup, but I didn't have to bring utensils. I brought pans and then I got there and I was like, I don't even need these. I mean, everything was provided for me. I also love this feature with the Airbnb app, where like you can kind of plan ahead.

Starting point is 01:14:03 So let's say I'm going to Florida and far in advance of my trip, I can start checking out the area and start favoriting different like options. And that way, when it comes time to crunch time, like I've done a lot of my perusing, my browsing for bookings and I've got them kind of favorited. So in Milwaukee and you know, like my brother lives in Minneapolis. Like anywhere that I'm going to stay, I always have a few favorited because it helps me just to make a quick reservation when it's time. All trips are better with Airbnb. I love it.

Starting point is 01:14:35 If you want more space, more privacy, in a better location, and the most loved homes, check out airbnb.com or download the Airbnb app. Today's episode of Ball in the Beautiful is sponsored by Airbnb. So I have to tell you guys, I went all the way up to my hometown of Wasacki, Wisconsin. In Wasacki we have two motels. I've never stayed at either of them. But when I travel, especially when I travel up north, where honestly, you guys, I love where I'm from, but on an average weeknight, we don't even have one restaurant open.

Starting point is 01:15:05 So I like to be able to cook breakfast. I like to be able to cook dinner if I want, lunch, whatever. So I wanted to rent somewhere to stay. I got a four, it was like a four bedroom, but it sleeps like six or eight, technically. I got a huge cabin right outside of Wasaki on the river and it was perfect for me. It was perfect. Great Wi-Fi. I mean, it had really clear directions on how to use everything from the Wi-Fi to the stove, the TV, everything.

Starting point is 01:15:35 I mean, nice hot stove to make breakfast in my underwear in the morning. Huge lofted ceiling, like giant king- bed with like a cabin quilt on it. I mean, I slept like a baby, a perfect little baby. I love, I mean, being able to travel and eat, like all I did, I brought like, you know, I brought like pancake mix, I brought like some cans of soup, but I didn't have to bring utensils. I brought pans and then I got there and I was like,

Starting point is 01:16:02 I don't even need these. I mean, everything was provided for me. I also love this feature with the Airbnb app where like you can kind of plan ahead. So let's say I'm going to Florida and far in advance of my trip, I can start checking out the area and start favoriting different like options.

Starting point is 01:16:18 And that way when it comes time to crunch time, like I've done a lot of my perusing, my browsing for bookings and I've got them kind of favorited. So in Milwaukee, in, you know, like my brother lives in Minneapolis, like anywhere that I'm gonna stay, I always have a few favorited because it helps me just to make a quick reservation when it's time.

Starting point is 01:16:38 All trips are better with Airbnb. I love it. If you want more space, more privacy, and a better location, and the most loved homes, check out airbnb.com or download the Airbnb app.

The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Are You Happy Now? with Trixie and Katya

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