The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Banned From Studio 54 with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: August 31, 2021

Put some extra ice in that Arnold Palmer, unwrap a refreshing York Peppermint Patty, and crank up that air conditioning, you sweaty hogs. Rejoice as we celebrate the swamp-ass-laden zenith of summer! Amidst crappy news of hurricanes and political turmoil, we take a fantastical trip down memory lane to discuss disco music, swimming pool self-abuse, gift-giving etiquette, and the sheer brilliance of 90's music videos. Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be helpful! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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It's like not even a good read, but it's so percussive. I love that. Before we start, can we talk about the material? Yes, please. I wish we would. This is a lovely blouse that is available to purchase. Does it come with a slamming upper body? Yeah! Big bulging bi's and heavy tri's and delts and traps and pecs and serratus. Are the men treating you different now that you're John Cena?

Hell no. Because I still look like Harvey Feinstein Up here You know Yeah No No they're not No they're not But I'm treating myself

Better in the mirror at home You look like a Lego person That they put one of the Female wigs on Yeah Totally Because Legos are Without gender

It's just wigs and hats Yeah Oh and I I learned about Recently about the The You can Lego your Your Between Me down there. Lego?

There's a thing. It's called, fuck, I can't remember what it's called. But so it's a form of, you know, body modification. Uh-huh. Where you get a Ken doll or you get a Barbie crotch and there's just a little button for your urethra. Ding dong. Ding dong. And then you work.

Yeah. Work. Work dish. Have you ever seen people who bisect their penis? Bifurcation. Yeah. What do you think about that? I found out about it way too early.

Yeah. Yeah. I saw a video. I've been aware of this for too long. I saw a video of someone jerking off. What is the word? Bifurcation. Bifurcation?

Yeah. Bifurcated. I saw a person with a bifurcated dick jerking off. And because the dick is halfway, like, okay, this is your dick. And then, you know, it's bad at the end. The cum still shoots out of just like a healed little hole. So it's this with cum shooting out the middle. It's a little bit sub-zero. It's morphin' time. It's a little hole. So it's this with cum shooting out the middle. It's a little bit sub-zero.

It's morphin' time. It's a little of that. It's very Mortal Kombat. I also saw a guy in Grindr once who has a cut-in-half tongue. Yeah, that's the big one. Lizard tongue. Is that cool?

Would you fuck a guy with a cut-in-half tongue? I don't think that, I mean... I think I could do the tongue. I don't know if I could do the penis. Yeah, it's strange. I mean, I could definitely go through with the sex. It's not going to turn me off mid-sex to like, ah, gee whiz. But it might influence my calling back.

Yes, I'm very open-minded. I think my kink is going along with people's kinks sometimes. So as long as you're not asking me to do something wild yeah like i'll go along with anything i have a question have you ever run run across a guy who okay people like to be puppies right i have no interest in that but have you ever run across somebody who's really hot and they want to sleep with you but then they're also like sorry this is a hypothetical. This is for all the hot girls out there.

Somebody who's way too hot for you. And you're like, yeah, I can't believe this is happening. And they're like, okay, great. I like to be treated like a dog. It's mostly not sexual. It's mostly dog-like. And it's like, I can't do this improv one sort of like, yes. And for too long.

So the funny thing I that it's not my experience but it is the experience of several friends of mine who they explain this exact scenario it's not

it's not puppy play though it's voice it's shit oh it's always shit it's always shit it's always shit well I think it's geographical

because we've talked about it before that in Los Angeles especially anal is anal is kissing now. My anal is like a hand. It's like a post it. When you go to the gay bar, they check your vax card, your ID. And then they.

Yes. In L.A. now, it's the full. I'm going to tell you something right now. And this is I love the grotesque. I love I have a morbid sense of humor i have a morbid sense of everything i love yeah we've seen you yeah yeah the lovely bones in drag you are the lovely bones so you know i recently saw a photograph uh-huh of a person of a person's between me down there.

I would say. Who would play her? Sauron from the eye of Sauron from the Lord of the Rings. Okay. This is an asshole I'm talking about. Okay, that's their between me down there. It's the backside. Sauron.

The person live as a female or male? This is a male. But are you familiar with that eye, the evil eye on the top of the mountain from Lord of the Rings? Is it kind of like the portals in Skyrim? Big, vertical, almost like fiery gashes. It is a fiery gash. Okay. That's also a bouncy castle.

So it's a fiery canoe. It's a fiery kayak. Is it butthole tissue on the outside? I'm going to tell you. Okay. That I wish I hadn't seen this photograph. Oh, wow. It was so,

it was so disruptive. No. It was so disruptive to my, I'm... Don't say that. I'm familiar with extreme... Viewing extreme sexual acts like, you know, fisting and gaping and then rose buds. It's not my taste.

It's not my jush. But I've seen that kind of stuff. I've even seen extreme, you know, ones where girls push out their whole rectum and then the other girl chews on it. I hope you're not eating at home. Oh, I have to show you something. Go ahead. Okay. But I saw this person's hole.

And I say hole very loosely and liberally. Look at that. Pun intended. A woman biting a cock. Foreskin, though. No, that's the head of the dick crush. That's the between the incisors, mama. What happened to that person?

Chimmy chomp chomp. They did not go to the farmer's market the next day. Not unless it was wheelchair accessible. Chomp chomp chomp. Beautiful teeth, though. Jackie Jorm chomp. Yeah. I didn't mean to interrupt your story no no no it's okay

that's not my way it's okay but I'm just gonna tell you that some so oh but but but but it was so this thing that I saw

that I wish I hadn't seen it's like you know it was I then learned that something I had previously seen that still haunts me

is nothing to be afraid of that two girls one cup thing most of the scat stuff that's not shit Mary it's fake it's fake Something I had previously seen that still haunts me is nothing to be afraid of. That two girls, one cup thing. Most of the scat stuff, that's not shit, Mary. It's fake. It's fake. It's peanut butter. It's stuff.

It's food products. They douche. They get their holes clean and then they insert food items. Oh. And do you know? Twix bar, whatever. Do you know? Twix bar, Snickers, whatever.

You know, Ho Ho, Almond Joy Mounds Whatever Anything Nutella Krispy Kremes So the girls are like Normal actresses Porn actresses And they're like

Alright as long as it's not real I'll go along with it Cause the cointina Is probably better All that crap In the mouth It's all fake Most of that scat stuff

Is That you see on the porno. It's all. And do you realize I went. I was like Florence Pugh at the end of Midsommar. I was like. I was so happy. Now you're on board.

I was so happy. It made me so happy. It gives me like community theaters production of Sweeney Todd. What? Like heavy handed, gruesome, fake. Yeah. But I didn't know, Mama. I didn't know. You thought it was all real. That hatchet wound.

You thought like two girls, one cup had to be real? Yes, I thought it was real. Not to be like corrupted, but I assumed there were some kind of fake there. Can you lick feces on camera and not gag? They did gag, and they threw up,

and they threw up into each other's mouths, and they threw up again. Sorry, listeners, this is disgusting. Not to some people. Okay, to the average person, absolutely it is. But you know what, though? Maybe it is disgusting, and that's part of why they like it

is because it's pushing a boundary. Of course, yeah. If it was normal, it wouldn't be hot to them right yeah eating a grilled cheese and santa monica peers not exactly like a thrill ride of adventures you know but but then the the hatchet wound is that was real what is a hatchet wound this was a do they cut something no no no no this was a blown out cow pussy. A person? This was a hole that was... A woman? A boy.

A man. Yeah. His butthole was blown out. So blown out. It looked like... Like a rosebud? No, it looked like... Who would play her?

I'm telling you, Soran. I'm going to show... I'm going to bring it up. Can you show me a picture? I'm going to show... Yeah, I'm going to Google it right now. I've looked at a lot of different types of porn that people shouldn't probably look at.

But it's not because I need to find out if I'm into it. I just need to know it's out there. Okay, but that's what I bought. Why was it vertical and not a hole? Because it's a gash, Mary. Cut open? Stretched? Ripped?

No, stretched. Ripped. No, it's a gash. Vertical gash? That's why they call it a man cunt. That's why they call it a pussy. Because the anus is so dilated over time, and then the tissue of the anus is sometimes actually pumped.

They pump it to get it. It's red. What would I search for to find it i don't know and i don't want can you tell me someday i'll find the picture and i will somehow figure out a way to send it to you without looking at it because i love it was while people are while people are doing dr pimple popper i'm over on rotten you know it was shocking yeah and i i mean i've you know i love to to get high and watch acne videos adjustments. I was at my bar in Milwaukee this weekend and I met somebody who was from out of town.

Nice looking, maybe 40. Beautiful man. Doctor. And he was like, oh, I'm a chiropractor. Is that a doctor? Nope. He's like, I do adjustments. Yeah. Like, oh, do you know about like viral videos of these? Like, you know, it's very L to have a boom microphone next to your back. I'd be like, one, two. Yeah. And he was like, yeah. He's like, it's not really like that.

And he's like, if somebody has a real problem at a doctor, you usually adjust it quicker and quieter than that. It's more like for show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The theater of it. But it's the same as like the Kim K vampire facial. When you get a vampire facial, they spin your blood until the plasma separates your plasma is not red so when people take pictures and people take pictures that the with blood it's because the

the aesthetics nurse is like well let's keep some blood in it so the instagram picture looks more like it's a vampire facial but it really shouldn't be red at all should not be blood on your face oh wow isn't that weird yeah so when you people are always asking about that. I'm like, it's not blood on your face. I want to get that. Also, I get to get a, speaking of beauty, beautiful. I have to get, I'm going to lift my bangs for a moment. You see all this discoloration here? I've had it for a while.

I have to get a photo facial to get that all taken care of. A light facial? A light facial, yeah. So basically like they do the they zap it all and then here too and like any discoloration i have and then they say there's about a week process where it all it'll turn very dark and then it'll um flush it'll go away yeah well isn't it basically i mean i haven't been in skin school for a long time but isn't it basically like over pigmentation and then that's a treatment that breaks up basically the pigment in your skin?

I have no idea. Interesting. I'm ready to do something. Yeah. I keep looking in the mirror and going, I either need to turn my whole life around or kill myself. Because I'm training for another marathon and I'm like, this time I need to like not drink and eat right. But if I'm going to work up to 26 miles again, this time I need to see even more results. You know what I think you should do?

I think you should switch. You should do Ironman or something and do a triathlon. That's amazing. You don't think a marathon's amazing? No, no, no, no, no. I think a marathon's insane. I think it's beyond amazing. You can't really swim.

Well, learn. How am I supposed to learn to swim? Everybody at the gym is jerking off. In the pool? I've heard. is jerking off. In the pool? I've heard. No. In the sauna. You don't swim in the sauna, ho. But that's where you start, right? Because if I

can't swim, I want to be like one of those newborns. If you put them in the water, they automatically do that. You go down on your back in the slippery floor. People are jerking and I'm in there like, splish splash, I was taking a bath. All I'm on is Saturday night. When did you learn to swim? I would love to get jerked off on the gym,

but nobody ever tries anything. I got jerked off at that gym in Brazil. That's about it. Well, it wasn't a gym, it was a bathhouse. People think I'm, you know. Mary Louise Parker? No, Vin Diesel or something. Oh, no, they think I'm, what's his name?

Brandon, who's the guy that Iggy's going on tour with? Oh, Post Malone. Pitbull, they think I'm Pitbull. Oh, yeah. Do you like disco? My DJ journey has taken me deeply into disco. Disco's fantastic. Every day, I wake up and put it on, and I love it. Penny McLean, Lady Bump.

They call me Lady Bump. Lady Bump. It's alright. If you don't know about Lady Bump, if you don't know about Disco Inferno, if you don't know about I'm Coming Out. Also,

I Feel Love. I Feel Love. Dr Feel Love. I mean. Dr. Love. So many good ones. You got to, everybody at home, you got to look up Penny McLean Lady Bum. You got to watch that damn video because she does not know where that camera is. And she is hysterical. She's just like, it's so funny.

It's so funny. Have you ever seen the video for Whip It by Devo? Devo, uh-huh. There is a beautiful Asian woman and she is cross-, and she's holding a gun in that video. And she never looks at the camera. Oh, that's great. I love that video. Crack that whip! What's your favorite music video?

Who would play her? If we're being honest, I loved the telephone video when I first saw it. Oh, really? Loved it. It's pretty epic. Pretty epic. I loved the diesel jacked female bodybuilder on Plenty of Fish. Yes.

Yeah, that was great. Yes. I love that Missy Elliott work it. Yeah. Covered in the bees in the beginning. Oh, that was, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So fucking good. Oh, she's really been an innovator with the music videos. Oh my lose control all of our i love her music you can't tell me anything hung

over at 11 a.m on a sunday in my house making oatmeal doing i'm really really hot every like you would think i miss the elliott i want it it's fine one of the my favorite song lyrics of all time is sex me so good i say blah, blah, blah. Yeah. I love that. She's amazing. Yeah, she's fantastic. I think that disco is the melting pot of human life. Okay.

Who doesn't like disco? Amanda Lear. She's got a whole album called I Don't Like Disco. Is that the Alphabet song? No, it's a newer album. She says, Today's a bit, tomorrow a bit. I don't like disco. I need, it's actually a great album. She says, Today's a bit, tomorrow a bit. I don't like disco.

I need, it's actually a great song. Yeah. I love it. You do? Well, it's, you know, ah, joy. It also is a lot like,

it sounds a lot like country music to me. What? Like the way disco songs are written sounds a lot like the way country music is written. Really? Yeah, they seem related. One of my way disco songs are written sounds a lot like the way country music is written. Really? Yeah, they seem related. Distant cousins. One of my favorite disco songs is Fashion Pack.

I think this qualifies as disco by Amanda Lear. It's a whole journey about Studio 54. Work. It's a, they are the Fashion Pack. Would we have been invited to Studio 54? Nope. Would we have been allowed to go? Nope.

You know, if we didn't have the internet and access to mentally ill teenagers, we'd have nothing. Nothing. Less than nothing. Less than nothing. Well, funny, The Sheik, who is the band

that did Le Freak Say Sheik? Oh, um... Who's the band? What's the band? Who's the band? Oh my God, it's on my phone. Um, uh...

Is it Sheik? I think it is Le Sheik. It's called Sheik. the freak you did it on drag race did on drag race and they actually so they wrote that song this is a funny thing they tried they were supposed to get into uh uh perform with grace jones at studio 54 for her birthday they wouldn't let them in they weren't on the list grace didn't before the cell phone though you can't text like is this person okay they left in a huff went back to their apartment and then made that song they were jamming out and it was like fuck you 54 fuck you something like it was like it started as like couch yeah yeah it was like started out as like fuck you studio 54 54, into that.

And then it became Studio 54's fucking anthem. Isn't that amazing? It's crazy. You know, I love the B-52s. And when they started playing together, one of the strings, the guitar has six strings. They only had five. Wait, why? One of them broke and they didn't have the money to fix it.

Okay. So like a lot of their first record, it's either really high notes or really low notes. There's no middle sounds because they were missing the G string, like the big middle string. So when you listen to like a lot of their early music, it was like, I think one of their first songs, they met up, went out for a drink and went home and just realized they all played instruments and like wrote Love Shack that day. Wow. Shit like that happens, set for life. It's crazy too.

Wow. Shit like that happens, set for life. It's crazy too. The stories are like so strange, but it seems like, it does seem like, oh,

making, to the layman, I really think, it seems like making a song is easy. Oh, it's not. But I love stories like that, where they,

it's accidental. But it happens like that. Yeah. It happens like, it happens kind of like. Sweet Child of Mine. You know that song? Yeah. Guns and Roses guns and roses yes they said i read in an interview that they wrote that opening guitar riff they it was just something they would play at soundcheck and then they decided to write

lyrics around it it's like so they're like we played it for years without ever thinking it was like a song that's fucking crazy it's crazy but that's like uh remember the november rain video going back to music videos blind melon tap dancing bumblebee um little miss sunshine yeah all i can say is that my life is really plain music videos used to be um people had a different relationship with music videos yeah i used to wait i used to wait around the television set to see the fucking Lady Marmalade video play. It was cool. It was cool. I loved it.

MTV. Yeah. I'll never forget Christina Aguilera and that upside down tiara with the giant hair. Crazy. Yeah. Diva. Diva. A lot of great music videos.

The Coldplay video for The Scientist where everything's backwards. Oh, I never saw that one. Oh, yeah, bitch. And he's lip syncing the words backwards. And then they, well, he lip syncs the song backwards in real time. And then they play the footage backwards so his mouth matches the music. It's crazy. It's lit.

And then a lot of, I just saw the Iggy video for I'm the Strip Club. Oh, we just played, Jason just played that in the car on the way to work out. It's fun. Watch the video It's good There's a fucking truck No it's a fancy car And in the back

In the trunk The trunk is open It's a bubble bath And she's in it Flying down the highway The trunk is open And it's a bubble bath And she's vibing

She is the strip club And she's on the back Of a four wheeler And the camera's Facing a four wheeler Chasing them And she's lip syncing On the back of a four wheel

It's fucking crazy. Oh, that's great. Yeah. She is the strip club. She is the strip club. Yeah. There's also a great music video by this Russian band called Leningrad called Cabriolet.

And it's this girl who's late for her own wedding and she gets into her car and then she is like doing, you know, like the trope of like girls doing the mascara and the thing. And she smashes every part of the thing. She smashes her car, becomes a convertible because the top gets ripped off. She flies over an overpass. She bumps into a thing and these robbers who are stealing an ATM thing falls into her. I mean, it is so high budget and so insane.

And it's so great. I love when videos go big for no reason. Oh, it's huge. Have you seen that fucking for what video no where it's an apartment building where everyone's crashing into each other's apartments it's I mean it's funny what we

know how much music do you like making music videos I love the I love them being made having them having them yeah I like planning them I like having them I like having them I don't I hate making them I don't and Yes. I like planning them. I like having them. I like having them. I don't. I hate making them.

I don't. And it's tough because I think in the level that we're at, we're usually dealing with maybe tens of thousands of dollars. These people are dealing with millions of dollars. Right. So Cardi B shows up when she wants to show up and when she feels nice and happy and then she does her scene you know what I mean

like if she has 15 people around her doing her nails everything and then she's doing her thing and then she takes a break and not to say it's not grueling but like

we have to do a little more than that and it's usually for us it's like for us to stay on budget you have to do all of it today it's three looks

it's two days maximum yeah I did one we did the come in. It's two days maximum. Yeah. I did one. We did the come in Brazil video over two days because I was like, I'm not. I was working with this great director. I was like, I'm not going to be stressed out. I'm in. It was Alaska, too.

It's like we're going to have fun. We're going to have fun. So it was more expensive, but it was not like also some VHS. So it doesn't. Oh, yeah. It's on VHS. It's on VHS. Incredible.

Violet. Violet. I know. Violet just in Violet I know Violet she just worked with the same director JJ Stratford that video is cool it's so great Violet's video I mean they all are that video for a little more me well that's that's a Cardi B level video do you remember when Lady Gaga put out 9-1-1 and called it a short film that I'll never forget well but yes but that was so that was but that was based on that was heavily based on

the work of this artist and I don't think I kind of don't love that that's not known do you know what I mean like it was it's a heavy heavy homage to this artist

if you saw this film or this art film it's like I don't know that that's like it's tough what do you feel about that how do you feel about i think music videos is hard because in music videos you're often like iggy does a lot of like tarantino style videos okay and it's like if you do it heavy-handed enough that you're clearly referencing it and the audience knows that you're referencing it it's almost like a should we all clap for this movie we all love?

Look, we're doing something kind of like that. But if you're like... Like my Ding Dong was a literal, is a parody of Boom Boom and a parody of the video. And it is mentioned explicitly at the end of the thing. There's no ambiguity there. Versus like, I mean, do you know the FKA Twigs video?

And then the Lil Nas thing. The Montero video. They were so similar and it was like, as a viewer, if you know both FKA Twigs video? And then the Lil Nas thing. The Montero video. They were so similar. And it was like, as a viewer, if you know both, you're like, did they know that they each made a song? Well, and there's some backstory there, too, that I learned about. But I'm afraid to talk about it because I'm afraid that I'm going to see him somewhere and he's going to yell at me. Who? Lil Nas? Yes.

No, no, no, no, no. It's his director. It's all good. Yeah, it's all good. His team reached out to the director. Yeah, and they said no. But they ultimately passed on his project, even though it's so similar.

I think personally, I looked at those things and I was like, you know, yes, there are similarities. There's a pole. But FKA Twigs' video is just such on this other level. I mean, it's like... It's crazy. It's high art. I know.

Museum, like Guggenheim shit. And then Lil Nas X was incredible, but it's a video game. Mm-hmm. And it's just something totally different. I mean, they're too... I don't know. They just don't even... I don't know.

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And we're back. Okay. So, my birthday's coming up. Okay, so, her birthday's coming up, and I already got her gifts. Well, I remember when your birthday happened, which I loved. My birthday was the best gift to myself. You said, I don't need anything, I just need you to turn it with your look.

No, no, no, no, no. I said, I need you to come to my party and dressed up. Yeah. You didn't need to turn it. You decided to turn it and you did. I did. But I didn't need you to turn it. But then I said, well, just so you know, this doesn't let you off the hook for my birthday when I do want a nice gift.

And you go, and I get it. Well, so I went to I had a, I had a like a I had a plan. And then so you gave me a suggestion. So I went to, I had a, I had a like a, I had a plan. And then, so I, you gave me a suggestion. So I went out and, um, you know, to Walmart. So I went to CVS. Um, yeah, I went to the fancy store and then I had to confront, had to make a decision how much of a friend you really are.

Oh, financially? Oh yeah. I think I sent you somewhere kind of expensive. Yeah, you did. Yeah. It took a lot. It took a lot of, I mean, I like this particular brand for the most part. They produce stuff that I love.

It's stuff that I hate, as with most designer brands. But I was really kind of exhausted the opportunities. And at the end of the day, of course, there's a gift receipt, so exchangeable. But there was a choice between gift A and gift B. And the financial chasm was great. And I was like, fuck, because that one was really cool. I was like, Mary, I don't like anybody that much. Because I wouldn't even have bought it for myself.

No. You know what I mean? We did buy a thousand dollar suit once yeah turned up oh there was some help there was some there was some chemical if actually what you're saying is next time i should ask for my present when you're off the rails no actually i retract that i don't think i was turned up i was i was wilding it, it was, I'd never did anything like that. Do you like gift shopping? I do. I like gift shopping when I'm on, um, especially when I'm on the road. Okay.

Yes. That's the best thing. Cause like what I love to do is like leave the bus, go find some cool stores. And then I inevitably, but Oh my God, this person would love that. This person would love that.

Yes. I love doing that kind of stuff. Yeah. But like holidays and birthdays, I get real like, is this good enough? Is this good enough? Is this stupid? Even. But like holidays and birthdays, I get real like, is this good enough? Is this good enough? Oh, yeah, no.

Is this stupid? Even when I get home the next day, I'm like, is this dumb? Is what I bought dumb? Yeah. Which we can be aware. How am I going to act? Am I going to cry? But I appreciate some people are like, some people are real, they get real fierce.

Like I asked you like, what do you want? And you gave me some like clear suggestions. I'm like, thank God. Because I don't you gave me some like clear suggestions I'm like thank god because I don't think I'm like I don't know I'm like ah that's never been me yeah I mean when you told me that you told David point blank that you won $2500 in cash one day

one year I was like that is the fiercest thing ever yes and he keeps thinking I'm joking and then he goes well what do you want to do for your birthday I go I want you to go to Nordstrom take a left go over to the McQueen sneakers. You know, I was trying to figure out what to do for my birthday because your birthday was so fun. And I don't want to do that because it's too much work.

But I was like, if I do nothing, my birthday will come and I'll be depressed that I plan nothing. Yeah. So what I might do is just text everyone I like day of and say, if you want to come meet me at this bar, come meet nothing. Yeah. So what I might do is just text everyone I like day of and say, if you want to come meet me at this bar, come meet me.

Yeah. If you don't, don't come. No problem. Yeah. But if you do come, you better bring something fierce. That's great.

You better bring a gift. Now, okay. Not a drink. Not come up to me while I'm already loaded and say, let's do shots. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Just give me 11 bucks. Okay. Because West Hollywood drinks, if everyone wanted to buy me a No, no, no, no, no, no. Just give me 11 bucks. Because West Hollywood drinks, if everyone wanted to buy me a drink, just gave me 12 bucks. That's a birthday, honey. That's a birthday. I think we should do shooters.

I think you should just Venmo me. My friend was in Hawaii the other day and they said $27 cocktails. I believe it. I mean. $27 cocktails. It was a. I mean. $27 cocktails. It was a vacation destination. Yeah.

That's like complaining about the drink prices at a hotel bar. Well, they were at a hotel bar. Or at an airport. Okay. I remember I saw Bianca once in one of her shows. Did you ever see the show where she talked about the time she flew in drag? Uh-uh. She one time got too turnt and her assistant yelled at her and was like, you have to fly

tomorrow. And she was like, I'll go myself. And she turnt, went to the airport in drag and flew in drag. No. And Jamie refused to go with her because he was like, your turn. I'm not going with you. And she was like, fuck you, pig.

And she went by herself. And there's a part in her story which cracked my shit up where she talked about being in drag at the airport and buying a sandwich from someone at a Starbucks who was like clearly homophobic. And she was like, it's 7 a.m. I'm in drag in a wig.

I'm just trying to get my $36 sandwich. Which is so true. Like the prices at like an airport for like a sad deli meat. You're like, what the fuck is this? $17. Truly. It's crazy. If you're at the airport and you have a sore throat, my $36 sandwich.

If you're at the airport and you have a stomach ache, you better get ready to- Write a personal check for some Tums. Dip into grandma's savings so you can get some Pepto Bismol. Because they got you. It's like Disney. Yeah, they got you. They got you, girl. You can't go anywhere.

Yeah. There's no other options. Oh, my God. But so, they're shopping like Christmas. Too many people. It's too much. It's too much. And then it's a verbal contract of like well who's gonna get me a present because if they give me something I'm gonna feel like shit Yeah, we have a friend who bought me a very beautiful Bag one year a designer bag and I didn't even think to get the person anything

And I just I still to this day love the bag and feel horrible about it The best gift my friend my immediate family and I gave each other, I mean, years ago, probably at this point, 15, maybe more years ago, we said- Hookers. Did you buy your mom a hooker? No, nothing. Like AIDS at home? Like a cleaner and a cook?

Lysol. Yes. Hamburger helper. What did you give each other? Nothing. We said, we're done. This was, of course, when we're all adults. Like when we'd all gone out of college and, you know, maybe not 15 years ago.

How old were you at five years old? I'm not getting you anything. No, so my sister's 36 now. So this must have been, yeah, you know, 10 or 12 years. Maybe we are. We all said, enough. Nothing. We're good.

J-Lo, enough. nothing. We're good. J-Lo, enough. Enough. Brave. Yeah. So we, that's the best thing. Like, you know, it's just, now I can just focus on most of my generosity on financially funneling into the nieces and nephews, or nephews. We just gave Fina cash for her birthday.

Which I think is, listen. I think it's fine too. I know. I was, I had this great plan. Like I had, I had seen this hooker. A masseuse. He's a masseuse. And a great masseuse at that.

Isn't masseuse a dirtier word than a hooker? No. A massage therapist, let's say. There you go. A masseuse? Is this the 90s in Florida?

A masseur. I'm seeing a masseuse. Well, I saw him on Rent Masseur. I got him on Rent Masseur. Like Rent Men? Rent Masseur got him on Rent Masur like Rentman Rent Masur who would play her it would be

John Cena from Armenia John Sarmenia gorgeous Mary when I tell you although his veneers does he look like Chirac no no no

that's what I would think the point of reference would be for him Chirac is so tan right now Chirac looks like Mr. T Chirac is pretty much pretty much I would let Chirac know.

That he could fucking blow your barn doors open. Yeah. I just saw him the other night. And no one lied to her. And I'm going to see him tonight. He's so beautiful. He is so beautiful and he is so sweet. I know.

He is so sweet. We have a lot of porn friends and they're all just. He's an angel. Perfect and nice. Nice. Nice. Actually, yeah. and they're all just like he's an angel perfect and nice nice nice actually all yeah

um uh Chirac there's um in the that night where we were at the on the little moon little moon deck

or whatever um bunch of those people you would never it's not that you would never assume they would did porn because I mean they didn't have their assholes out

and they weren't getting fucked or whatever but like cause I think people think porn people enter every room like ah ah ah ah ah yeah the cover and cum yeah they didn't have their assholes out and they weren't getting fucked or whatever but like because I think people think porn people enter every room like covering cum yeah

the first time I saw Shiraki was walking down the street with grocery bags yeah and I was like celebrities they're just like us and Joseph who goes by another name while he is quite jacked now you know he's rides his little bike he's so dorky looks like he's a dorky he's a fisting legend.

Well, especially the porn people. Normally you see them in real life and you're like, you are 5'2". Well, that's movie stars. That's Hollywood in general. Yeah. But oftentimes porn people, they look so jacked because they're not that tall. Julian Brock Banks, I think he's a shorty with a fatty or a shorty with a doherty. Andrew told me you got to clock the doorknobs.

Yes. Because Andrew, he doesn't see people. If you are 5'10", under 5'10", invisible. He hasn't seen me. Invisible. When I was invisible. Clay Aiken. Clay Aiken from American Horror Story.

American Singing Story coming soon to FX. Oh, my God.lly clarkson won american idol did you cry i did not watch it i didn't i've never seen one episode of that show it's the only american idol i ever saw was season one i've seen goalless deity which is a russian children's singing show goalless goalless deity Like Someone without goals The voice No the voice Children's voice It means

Goalless deity Oh We were just talking about Billy Eyelash's blonde hair Yeah And how it More More coverage

Than the Taliban In Afghanistan So when More TV And media coverage Than 9-11 Princess Diana And

The stock market Of crash Of all the times it crashed I mean I saw her I saw that that girl woman go on Ellen and Ellen and I mean you know Ellen is like it was so weird Ellen was since like so Billy I mean what what made you cuz you know what made you decide to go blonde? Because you had this signature look. What made you decide to go platinum blonde?

Right. And you were like, what the fuck is going on right now? They could do an I Am Kate level series about her going blonde The level of scrutiny in public. I was just like what is happening here? Is this like a is this a deflate are we like bombing some country right now? And this is getting used to like smokescreen. Yeah, what probably was but people people really love. Oh my god She's great people people's relationship with celebrities in general is so whack because I just saw a picture of Justin Bieber having lunch. And he's just outside a restaurant having lunch.

And there's a security guard and just dozens of women standing behind the security guard watching him eat. Oh, just exercising their right to be in public. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To stare. As if he's going to be eating. Look, even though he has a wife who's a supermodel i believe he's gonna look up from eating see one of them immediately get fully erect and go oh wait are you my wife are we in love are you who i wrote baby about and that girl's gonna go i'm so glad i took the bus here today. Like, what are you staring at? What is there to do?

What is that? That level of fame is so crazy. That is, yeah. I mean, I saw him at the Dog Pound. Gorgeous. Dog Pound. I always thought he was so beautiful. He's a good looking guy.

He's a good looking kid. But, um, ooh, Shabana size 14. Shabana size slash 14 that being said came back in sale now that looks like a movie star well you know that thing where like

grown women have crushes on like teen boy singers nope grown women will have like oh Teenie Bop yeah Teen Bop Tiger B

until he had like his second growth spurt and was a man I was not interested right right right right right but around like Yummy era Justin Bieber

I was like this is what the girls are into. Like Harry Styles now. Yeah. Because straight women like wild shit. Well, I looked like a girl and I was a chick magnet when I was in middle school. Who would play her? Mary Stewart Masterson.

No joke. Mary Steenburgen. Now. But I was literally a Watts from some kind of wonderful. Mary Stewart Masterson. Never seen it. Oh. Who would play her? kind of wonderful Mary Stewart Masterson. Never seen it. Oh. Who would play her?

Who would play Mary Stewart Masterson? Fried green tomatoes? It's like a never ending who would play her. Who would play her? Taylor Swift. I miss RuPaul's podcast because it used to once in a while just have these surreal, like what's cracking that Australia show level moments. Yes, totally.

Totally. Totally. Like, Strangers with Candy, surreal stream of consciousness. Yeah. Yeah. I'm so sad you never got to be on the podcast because that was, I had the funnest fucking time. And the last time I did it, Michelle wasn't even there.

No shade to Michelle, of course. So you did it and they suddenly quit. But it was just me and Rue once. And it was like, that was, oh my God, of course. So you did it and they suddenly quit. But it was just me and Ru once. And it was like, that was, oh my God. It was fun. I've heard both of them. It's fun. It was fun.

It was fun. You guys had the one episode where you just played dirty charades the whole time. Yeah. And I didn't know. I don't think I even knew what they were talking about. And yeah, it's just fun. It's just fun to talk with her. I love talking to her.

RuPaul loves that thing where she'll do like, you take a movie and make one word dirty. Yeah. Yeah. That's dirty charades. Field of dreams. It'll be like pussy of dreams. RuPaul's like Ah! Yeah, field of creams. Loves it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was doing that with Little Mama. She just replaced it with, you know, throw Little Mama from the train and she just hysterically

starts laughing. You know, like Little Mama Mia. I don't know why it's funny. The rapper Little Mama. It is funny. Throw Little Mama from the train. When you're good to Little Mama Mia. I don't know why it's funny. The rapper Little Mama. It is funny. Throw Little Mama from the train. Yeah. When you're good to Little Mama. You know what?

I was going to make fun of her, but I think this game is funny. It's funny because she wants to laugh. Like on Drag Race, it's like she wants to laugh. Yeah. You know, she wants to laugh. She defaults to laughter. That's why when you do bad, you did bad. Exactly.

Because RuPaul comedically gives you the benefit of the doubt. Absolutely. She comes in ready. She's ready to laugh. Yeah. She's not looking to make any, like she's not. Yeah. But yeah, so that is like, so when she doesn't, that's why like when you weren't there that

day, but I wish you had been, the Despi Awards. I wore that shitty dress, that awful wig and did not so great in the challenge. But then my expecting in my acceptance speak, I told one joke and she was the only person that laughed. Nobody else laughed. None of the girls got it. It was something about Bob Ross and she cackled. And I was like, oh. And I was like, I think I'm probably going to be safe. And I was. That's the only laugh you need. It was the only laugh.

There was like, nobody else laughed literally. And I was like, oh, fuck. But she cackled. I would think it would be like North Korea, where like RuPaul laughs and suddenly everyone goes like, ah, ah, ah. Yeah, no. Yeah. There was another joke that I think maybe some laughed. But she got it immediately, laughed, and I felt like, ah, ah, ah, ah. Yeah, no. Yeah, there was another joke that I think maybe some laughed,

but it was she got it immediately laughed, and I felt like, oh, I love those moments. She's not going to kill me today. Yeah, exactly. Should we take a break? Yeah, let's take a break. Okay. Oh, boy.

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You can now make the first move or not. With opening moves, you simply choose a question to be automatically sent to your matches. Then sit back and let your matches start the chat. Download Bumble and try it for yourself. You want to do a quick quiz? Yeah, let's do a quiz. I mean, so this... I just don't have one of those voices

where I can hide anything. Yeah, let's do a quiz. I wish they would release the Snyder Cut of all the times we've been at Netflix. So when you've been out of pocket and when I've been openly negative, like just, just trashing

whatever series we're watching, like just being like, I fucking hate this piece of fucking shit. I wouldn't, I wouldn't wish

this upon my worst enemy. This is worse than watching snuff porn on my family. I mean, and then you're like, are we done?

I'll go like, she'll be like, we have five more clips. I'm, and then you're like, are we done? I'll go like, she'll be like, we have five more clips. I'm like, are you sure? There's not more? I would love to see more. This day's not long enough. I'm like,

do you ever worry you're spending too much on lunch? It's so brusque and it's so like, And I can't hide it. You can, there's no, yeah. And when I'm in drag too, it's like,

it's sugary. Also also if you have to pee or if you're at the corset you know all that stuff girl that one day where they went can you stop can you start camera and I go

yeah let me just do it yeah let me start it again well when we had to do it at home you got up and over oh my god don't say that so wait let's do a quiz

okay so there's a quiz it's a fast and accurate it's an ACT prep test it's a quiz. Okay, so there's a quiz. It's the fast and accurate. It's an ACT prep test. It's a four hour LSAT. No. Should we do the highly sensitive one? Yeah, sure. Okay, you have it on your phone.

You have to do it at the same time. Let me just scroll down. Highly sensitive. Oh, it's not. Highly sensitive. Highly sensitive. Highly sensitive. Are you high? Okay.

So what are we doing here? Answer each question according to the way you personally feel. Okay. Check the box if it is at least somewhat true for you. Okay. Leave unchecked if it is very true or not all true. So why don't you say the first one and we'll go back and forth and we'll check the boxes. Okay.

Okay. We're going to find out if you're highly sensitive. I am easily overwhelmed by strong sensory input. I'm not really. Me neither. I seem to have, I seem to be aware

of subtleties in my environment. I am. I am too. Are you sure? Other people's moods affect me. That is true for me and I don't think it's true for you. No, I don't know what happens to anyone.

I tend to be very sensitive to pain, yes. Oh, yeah, bitch. I find myself needing to withdraw during busy days into bed or into a darkened room or any place where I can have some privacy and relief from stimulation. Woo! Woo! Yes. I'm particularly sensitive to the effects of caffeine. Girl, I could fucking mainline that shit and go right to bed.

You are. I am. I am easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens close by. Would I be here if strong smells bothered me? Or sirens. Or sirens? I don't think that bothers me. I have a rich, complex inner life.

I think I do. I don't know. What's an inner life? Oh, just a whirlwind of tapestries of interior moods, machinations and narratives. You do. Okay. I am made uncomfortable by loud noises. No.

No. I am deeply moved by art and music. Oh, yes, bitch. My nervous system sometimes feels so frazzled that I just have to go out by myself that's

yeah yeah I'm about to do that after this I'm conscientious what does that mean conscientious means diligent I think I think I am

you are you are yeah I think I am too I don't know about you I startle easily yes I do I get rattled oh. I get rattled.

Oh, Mary. I get rattled when I have to do a lot in a short amount of time. Rattle doesn't even begin. I don't feel startled easily or rattled easily. No. When people are uncomfortable in a physical environment, I tend to know what needs to be done to make it more comfortable, like changing the lighting or the seating.

I think I am. You're a good host. Yeah, you're a good host. I think I am too, but I never do it. I get annoyed when people try to get me into many things at once. No. Oh my God.

I try hard to avoid making mistakes or forgetting things. Yeah. No? No, I don't. Oh, okay. You do, you do. You're great.

I make a point to avoid violent movies and TV shows. Hell no. Who wrote this? I love this shit. I love it. It's Ann Crouch test. I become unpleasantly aroused when a lot is going on around me. What is unpleasantly aroused?

Like a boner but mad about it. Red boner. Hard red boner. A purple boner. Yeah. No. No. Being very hungry creates a strong reaction to me disrupting my concentration or mood.

I'll let you hit that one twice. Boop, boop, boop. But you can't. But you get hangry, but you deal. I push through. You push. Yeah, you push. You don't push through.

No, I do not. Changes in my life shake me up. No. No. I notice and enjoy delicate and fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art. Hell yeah. I find it unpleasant to have a lot going on at once. I do.

I do not. I make it a high priority to arrange my life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming of situations. I think you do. I do not. Yeah, you just wheel right in,

don't you? You double down. Like, you know, my astrological metaphor of my great witch friend says, I'm like a tank barreling down a muddy hill that can

be derailed by a twig is that not true yes no it's a hundred percent like an army tank barreling down a muddy hill but that

could be flipped over by a twig like what could happen on set if let's say your food came in as a wrong lunch order my eyes would cross my nose would bleed and I you would never see me again.

Yeah. I think an upside-down cross would carve itself into your forehead. And then Elliot, Eli, upside-down cross would fire. Jennifer would come in on fire. Yes, on fire. I'm bothered by intense stimuli like loud noises or chaotic scenes. Not me. When I must compete or be observed while performing a task,

I become so nervous or shaky that I do worse. Oh, I do. Yeah. When I was a child, my parent or teacher seemed to see me as sensitive or shy. Yep. Girl, I don't think I'm sensitive at all. I think I'm going to have to go to a-

Let's click to see. I'm going to click to see my total. If I have to fucking put my email thing in for this, I'm going to- No, no, no. I got an 11. Okay. I got a 19.

OK, if you answered more than 14, you're probably highly sensitive. OK, OK. OK, well, that was riveting. Now, as a highly sensitive person, I feel that I need to end this podcast. Yeah, this is getting way too sensitive. If you'd like to see us

take more quizzes on our phone at work. That was really boring. That was really boring. That was really boring. I'm sorry. Listen, I thought it would be funny. We're trying things up. Yeah. We're trying things up.

We're switching things up. This year's pod actually are, we have 52 episodes this year, and I think it's important in the 11th hour. To throw some water in your head. To try new things. It's like a couple who's in their 80s who's married 40 years who tries anal. You gotta keep the flame alive. Can old people do anal?

Of course. Do they? I thought like older men stopped doing anal. Why? Because things aren't as stretchy. Mom, people love a loose gash. But your butthole goes from like a stretchy cock ring to like a metal cock ring. I have some information for you.

Yesterday's anus is very different than those of today. What I'm trying to say is that people in their 20s are walking around with loose manhole, uncovered manholes. Loose meat sandwiches. Loose, open-faced pastrami. Croque Monsieur and Croque Madame. Whereas before, that was like, oh once you're you know after a lifetime of whatever

gauging gauging yeah they should do a top or bottom are you a croque madame or a croque monsieur that's in France I bet they say that

because you know in Spanish it's activo or passivo yeah yeah what is it in French croque madame it's gotta be it's like

mon c'est michel or like mon saint alice yeah are you a Paris or Nicole? You know, top or bottom is so, it doesn't tell you anything. No. But of course you can, a lot of people actually, I found that, and I kind of agree, I like

fucking loose butthole. Well, I think lesbians say top and bottom to mean dominant or submissive. But in gay world, you could be a bottom and still be not submissive. Or you could be a top and still not be large and in charge. I think it means insertive or receptive for guys. But for women,

I think it means more like... Dumb or sub. Yeah. But also like... Interesting. Oh my God. I'm watching a lot of straight porn and some of it...

I don't know how these women walk away. The men fingering the women in the porn like i know i know like i know i mean i'm not like they are trying to mayweather like floyd mayweather mama like they like fly like a bungalow bungalow fly like a bungalow sting like a bird or like they're trying to get something out of a vending machine it's the up and around the up and around the check in your pulse i i know and i because i'm obviously don't have a female anatomy i'm like you think obviously i think it's pretty up in the air at this point it would answer a lot of questions i I'm like, I'm so curious about that because I don't know. I have this feeling of sympathy for the or care towards the woman performer.

And I'm like, I have to just trust that there's something there's an understanding going on there that they know what they're in for. Or that they like it. Yes, of course. Or that it's actually pleasurable. I mean, I mean, we know from Annie Cruz and a lot of other people we've talked to that there's a lot of, um, Meryl Streepery going on in the,

in the porn film. And during the idea that what I learned from Annie Cruz, when we did the tricks and country show is she was basically saying that the, the Meryl Streepery is very clockable to other actors. Yes. Cause she says she can watch and be like, that's not squirt. That's pee.

Yeah. Well, that was like moaning mortal at the ayahuasca thing. It's like, honey, we know. Yeah. Oh, I don't care what it is as long as it's clear i'm i'm here piss on me baby i love that squirt there was this there was a there was a squirt on runyon let me just we'll wrap this up real quick

so one of my favorite performers is italian, huge, curved, lovely dong and took this little girl, little girl, young woman outside. It was a public scene and they were on Runyon Canyon. Yeah. Fucking and sucking dick and cock on the path. And I know exactly where they were. It must have been like 7 a.m. during a weekday, you know, were looking around i was like they are really on running right now on the floor like standing or what standing standing on the the path and you know when you go you know you go in and then they're on the path so that's like religious like are you on the path yeah this is the path to

and she fuck he was fucking her you know and then she came 14 liters of fucking water just splashing out of her pussy Titanic the Titanic yeah it was great work you know what you know what's sad about public sex what I don't care about public sex but I don't think people having sex in public should be like a jail of all offense the facts fuck yeah crazy um we were walking down the street and one of my friends had to but I don't think people having sex in public should be like a jail-level offense. That's fucking crazy. We were walking down the street and one of my friends had to piss and we had to worry about the fact that

you could go to jail. You could go to jail. I mean, next podcast, let's dog-ear this. We need to talk about America's really gross relationship with restricting sex. Yeah. If I was a kid and I was in the park

and I accidentally saw someone having sex, I really don't think it would scar me for life. No, it wouldn't fucking scar you. Maybe it would actually be maybe a little instructive. And if I was an adult,

I'd be like, oh, work, bitch. Yeah. Like, you don't have to gawk like a weirdo either. No, you know, you don't have to. Also, if they're fucking in public,

they don't mind that you saw them. That's the point. Yeah, could be. Let's get into that next time. Next time. Public sex on 2020. Bye.