The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Bathed in the Blood of Gratitude with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: September 28, 2021

From rubber genitalia in a parking lot to refried bean-induced gastrointestinal distress to broom closets stuffed with depressed backup dancers, today's episode is a life-lesson in how to turn off your AM radio, sit down in a quiet room with saltines and warm milk, and thank whatever heathen god you happen to worship for your blessed life. And if you don't believe you lead a blessed life, you will after experiencing the unadulterated joy that is slowly consuming crispy saltines and room-temperature milk in a silent, darkened room. Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be helpful! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Savings may vary. Eligibility and member terms apply. Oh, hi. Hi. Oh. I just heard. Oh, I did. I...

You're a baby. Oh. Oh. Bone sticking out. I made a... Oh, I made a boobie. Listen, by the way, I was looking up our book on Amazon. Yeah. And the suggestion, the suggested items were poopy books.

What? The first one was a poopy book something about poopy and then the next one was something I don't remember it was not let's just say the algorithm or whatever you call it

is rotted that somehow we are associated directly with pooping and peeing is it like a is it like a funny Barnes & Noble are we like a funny impulse aisle like gift book? Are we a children's book?

Like everyone poops? No, this was not that. Is this forensics scientist dissecting an owl pellet? It was like poopy pants. I don't know. I was hoping we'd be Sarah Silverman the Bedwetter or like Poopy pants. Poopy, I don't know. I was hoping we'd be, you know,

kind of like Sarah Silverman, The Bedwetter, or like, you know, David Sedaris. Right, right, right. No. It was like shit ladies poop time or something. Work. Welcome back to The Bald and the Beautiful. Welcome back to The Bald and the Beautiful.

I was talking to Silky Nutmeg Ganache, and she had a book, and she's like, I'm working on two books now, and my dream is to be the first drag queen who's a New York Times bestseller. I said, good luck with that dream. Well, mama, we've got news for you, sweetie. I said, you could be the third hoe.

Yeah. Who's the second? You. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. There's two of us. You're number first. No, yeah. I'm sorry, I'm two.

We are the first. Together we are number one. She could be two. The second one. The second one to chart. Yeah, she could be two. We are the first. Together we are number one. She could be two. The second one. The second one to chart. Yeah, she could be two. And I hope she does.

Dr. Reverend. Dr. Reverend Silky. You know, even when I remember watching her meet the queens during that season, no offense to the girls, but she was the only one that gripped me. That bitch is lit. And Silky Nutmeg Ganache is a fantastic drag name. It's great. Ganache is a fantastic drag name. It's great. Ganache.

And the Dr. Reverend Adjunct Professor Emeritus Silky Nutmeg Ganache. I love when Ru does that. I also love when Silky is in drag wearing her real glasses. So she's like in good drag and then she's in like her boy glasses, like her little tortoise shell like college learning glasses. That's fun. We're here on the Bald and the Beautiful. I mean, I wore my glasses today. Can you see now?

Yes. These are lightly prescripted and they have a, very lightly prescripted and they have a tint. For you or for someone else? For somebody else. Yeah, not for me.

I have perfect vision, but just a light, what would you call this? Who would play her? A framboise. Those are Ray-Bans. No, no, no. But it's like a lilac would play her a framboise uh those are ray-bans no no no but um it's like a lilac it's a wave oh the color the color that deep rich oh it is kind of a blue it's like um blue blue gray wait are you talking about the lenses the tint of the lens oh yeah

like a blackberry a blackberry yeah yeah blackberry water Yeah. Yeah. Blackberry water. This is a fun conversation so far. I'm in a haze because I started rehearsals with Laganja for a secret project. Secret project. Shh. Details will be announced sometime. And I hired the world-renowned celebrity choreographer Laganja Estrandra. And she said, well, what do you want, gal?

Do you want the good one-two step, gal? Or do you want me to put you through, gal? And I was like, I can handle something. I was like, I never really felt challenged by the drag race one-two steps. I could do a little more than that. And you're also a very physical person who has actual dance training from college. And with the marathon, I was like, I'm probably in better shape than ever. I can do this. Endurance. No, mama. this endurance no mama no no no no miss laganja came in here

i feel like i'm about to find out that i i i did a hit and run with the ganja's daughter and got off scott free this is a long-form revenge scheme yes yes I did something to her. You're Nikki and, no, she's Nikki and you're Beatrix Kiddo. Yes. And she's great. Because this is what I wanted.

What I wanted was, I realize this is probably out of frame. I wanted like, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, uh, uh, uh. But what you got, what I'm getting,

is, bum, bum, bum, bum, hit, hit, rolled, jeté. Yeah. And like, like running, traveling the floor. We got a big studio space because I told her, Yeah. Is. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Hit. Hit. Rolled. Jeté. Yeah. Oh yeah. And like. Like.

Running. Traveling the floor. We got a big studio space. Because I told her. I want us to be able to move a little bit. Yeah. We're running. Yeah.

We're running in drag. Yeah. She's got. You're like. Yeah. It's single ladies bitch. It's fucking single ladies. I was just going to say.

She's got you Gwen Verdon on speed. Oh my god. A similar thing happened to me. And I. Because I. I had. I was doing. My ding dong video. is a parody of a video whose choreography is. I mean, it's this.

Water aerobics. Oh, and then. That's that's literally it's TikTok dancing but like low like comically low energy

comically low energy like she had me do fucking Odette's and Odile's solos from Swan Lake like it was

and I was like we really gotta simplify it she's like we're going Swan Lake. Like it was, and I was like, we really got to simplify it. She's like, we're going up, down levels. We're doing kicks. Like, I'm like,

it's just a lot. Yeah. She's great. Halfway through rehearsal, I call managers, our managers, and I go with absolute gravity. I say,

the air conditioning in the studio that day has to be called. I'm not saying, I don't want you to call the studio that day has to be cold. I'm not saying I don't want you to call the studio and make sure they have a thermostat. No, I need you to get a generator, the size of a Prius, park it outside.

And I want a tube that says about New York, uh, New York sewer running into the space. Yeah. Blasting to the point where you and everyone, you know, is in winter coats. I want it to be so cold in there that your family is at home like, ooh, I'm cold today.

I need you to kidnap a sizable Inuit population and have them set up an igloo for about three weeks before. Yeah, yeah. It's wild. Is this kind of boat? I said, I want your lips blue. I said, I want my dancers blowing, blowing clouds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not that.

Not those clouds. I want my dancers. And I said, I want a Titanic. I'll never let go, Jack. Frozen on a door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said, I'm going to take that COVID gun and I'm going to walk in there and blow the, I'm going to beep, beep the air. And if it isn't 60, we're not doing it.

Yeah. No, if actually, if the, if the machine doesn't freeze up and just crack. Yes. I want, uh, what was that movie? Like the day after tomorrow with the climate shift where everything's freezing in the air. I want that. I want to be like, walk, walk, walk. Or like sub zero when, in them, when he, um, when he arrives, like the, the.

Yes. Yes. Yes, I want shot with a ray gun like Arnold Schwarzenegger. That is what I need, bitch. And then I said I said also get as many cameras as we can afford because I can't do this more than 10 times.

I think it's funny you say 10 because full out the whole routine, I'm going to say five. Five. I mean, you sweat way less than I do, but think of it. Like we talked about, your geometry cannot be sullied by sweat.

Like I can just kind of run and then pat, but a shape can't become, a triangle can become a circle on your face. The lines that separate realities cannot become compromised with my mug. Have you ever considered getting tattooed that day? Like a fake attempt, or maybe a permanent tattoo of makeup? I will say that, I think we've talked about this,

the TV show Botched has asked me three times to come on the show to get more work done to look more like I do in drag. And they said they would pay for it. So they would pay for a ceramic kabuki mask to be fused onto your skin. Wait, I think that, no, wait. I think they thought I had a bunch of work done because of my makeup. And so then they want to know if I want to get anything fixed. Is it just the nose?

I don't know what it is but I have nothing I literally don't besides the nose that I honestly never notice what the fuck is what could be wrong with this face nothing and then also you're going to love this I told Ligon to the dancers for the video

I need giants because I'm sick of looking like god damn Frederica Bimm because i'm sick of looking like goddamn yeah uh frederica bimmel frederica bimmel i'm sick of looking like i always look like in videos that 100 foot woman or whatever the 50 foot woman uh-huh and then the dancers are like little five five foot six just broadway actors and gay so they're like in their life and Gayer than me. Yes. Gayer than you. So I look like a graceless, you know what? A BD. Yeah. A graceless BD.

And so then. So the dancer, she got her like six, five and six, six. Hulking, towering. Gorgeous, stunning. And by the way, bored at the level of this choreography. They're like, oh, this. Okay. Yeah. Mama, mama. Got it. What's next? See, that's why. That's why the level of this choreography. They're like, oh, this? Okay, yeah. Ma, ma, ma.

Got it. What's next? See, that's why. That's why. And I'm like. You're like. I'm like, can we go back? Mary.

Mary. So when I worked with Laganja, so I worked with her two days, and Andrew was in the studio. He was constantly trying to interject. Be like, we really need to go. I mean, think low energy, no energy, comical. And she just I don't think she just knows what that is. And she doesn't do low energy. Her version of low energy is just not jumping from a platform into a split.

You know, we get on set when all the drag comes on. Oh, world of wonder. No AC. I was like, yeah, no. You shot this at WOW. Yeah, on a green screen. And so I did, this is the,

I defaulted to the actual boom boom choreography and then I think the only thing that I did from our session was this. Work. Yeah, and it's no fault of her own. She did a great job, but it's got paid. But it was bummer.

I've just never done anything where the song is this fast. But but but but and there's a move on every hit. Yeah. And I'm like, that's usually choreography. I know. And I keep going like so is it does

this lead into like a breathe section? A breathe like a... A breathing section, yeah is there a section where we like do an easy move for a second? The easiest move so far is this. And it still has to be percussive and in sync. But then it goes into like, Twyla, Twyla, Twyla, Twyla, Twyla. Anyway, so I've been victimized. Yeah.

It's humbling. And also, the humiliation of being a seasoned, successful, well-beloved, world-renowned performer, and then you get in the room with dancers and they make you feel like you're an orphan from Middle Earth. I think that's probably how people feel when I'm in an orgy and they see me suck cock. And they're like, oh, I guess I've never really sucked cock because that Hoover over there. Yes.

That Dementor giving Satan's kiss over there. You're not even touching the dick. You're just. I suck so hard the back of my head caves in. The back of my head caves in. Bone sucking in. Bone sucking in. Anyway, we're not going to fault Laganja for being a good choreographer who pushes people to do well.

And an excellent mover. Oh, by the way, Mary. By the way. So we're in the studio for three, four hours. We got AC. We're doing all the choreo. I'm sober, completely sober and actually in great shape. And at the end of the day, I am drenched.

I've had to change my shirt once. Let me tell you about that woman's body. Not one bead of sweat. Not one. Not one. Not one bead of sweat. Not one. Not one. Not one bead of sweat. I know. It's crazy.

I know. She's so crazy. She was in a T-shirt dress with very little makeup on, looking great. Oh, by the way, did I mention we're also dancing in masks? Because it's a public studio space, so we're in masks. So I'm trying to throw a piece of fabric. That in itself is tough because then it's just hot air in your face. Yeah.

It's horrible. Yeah. And I have it today, tomorrow. And then I added a Tuesday rehearsal at 8 a.m. for brush-ups because the gig is Wednesday. You love that torture. No, it's good. No, I don't. I said, it's going to be worse if we go in and have to do repetition because

we don't have it. Oh, no, no, no. You can't film. Yeah. You can't film it if you don't know it. And they're not going to miss steps. And I've already realized that. They're not going to miss steps.

I will. But you know, you do the Britney cut. Like Work Bitch, for example. They never, she never completes even a half a phrase in any of these music videos, if you notice. Yeah. it's all just cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut you know well laganja goes laganja goes yesterday on beyonce's birthday laganja goes well even the single latest video there's a lens flare or

whatever and you realize it's two cuts yeah i mean she's not fucking an avenger yeah yeah anyway what have you been up to you did a gig friday i did a gig friday and actually i had rehearsed i had planned on uh doing um uh so nick lemmer your friend who's a dancer we talked about before we choreographed this thing and i planned on doing the same parts with choreography at avida no tatiana yeah yeah yeah we so we're choreographing it for a reverie and it's going to be fierce um two guys, people at the party. You just want to dance. First man up.

It's a real tableau we're creating. But what you see isn't always my tooth. So I'm so glad I didn't do that because, honey. Is Nick Lemmer letting you have it? No honey I don't want to complain Is Nick Lemmer letting you have it? No I'm not trying to complain about these amazing opportunities

I'm trying to connect to gratitude I'm trying to connect to gratitude about the fact that I live literally the perfect life You went to the desert you ate a drug cactus

and you're here to connect to your gratitude Yeah Mama my gratitude overfloweth the cup of abundance runneth over I'm soaked and bathed

in the blood of the Lord. Is Nick Lemmer choreographing it? Yes. Is he letting you have it? As it were? No, we're working together. It's very much a collab. And he's great.

And he has a back injury. So he's closer to my level. You know what I mean? But still not. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, no. But it's just he's, you know. These poor dancers, are they just in pain forever?

Well, yeah. It's acrobats too. The saying goes, if an acrobat doesn't wake up in pain, it's because he didn't wake up at all. We're going to take a break. Oh, my God. That is chilling. It's true, though. It's true.

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Do you not want to talk about it? No, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do. I want to talk about the range of emotions that were felt because it was a whirlwind. Yeah. Okay. And so me, my Eden, who formerly of Trixie Cosmetics and now my assistant, Andrew, my studio mate, we had the funnest day in the studio creating the stupid, stupid magic trick number where I made a whole garment. We so the thing was to pull about, I don't know, 10 yards of red fabric out of my pussy, like Carolee Schneeman's Interior Scroll piece of performance art from the 70s.

Sure. And we rehearsed it four times to get the timing right. It was fun. And then I had a great time doing that. However, Mary, we've worked a lot of gigs. We've worked many gigs before and after Drag Race, the conditions of which run the full range of human experience from homeless decrepitude to the penthouse of all penthouses. Heaven to hell. Heaven to hell.

Heaven to hell. Heaven to hell. So we go there early, on time, get swindled, bamboozled, and ripped off by the parking attendant. And then Orville Peck brings us to the dressing room, which is a broom closet filled with three depressed dancers. And I'm like, I knew I wasn't expecting Shangri-La. I was a little bit. It's a nightclub. It's a nightclub.

But I was told Violet had demanded a dressing room. So I'm like, I'm thinking, well, if it's good enough for Violet, it's definitely gonna be good enough for me. Oh, if it's good enough for Violet. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You and I can make it through. I was like, there's no way this cupboard was created for Violet. So I just go right back into the parking lot, strip off all my clothes except my rubber pussy. By the way, I showed up in a bathrobe.

Bathrobe and slip-ons. You came in in full pageant evening gown. Because I will never put the getting ready environment in the hands of someone else. At least at home, I know the lighting, the air conditioning. That was my mistake. But so we had run through the number twice at home, I know the lighting, the air conditioning. That was my mistake. But so we had run through the number so many, like twice at home. And so I was already like over it. So I took off the rubber pieces and I was like, oh, but just put it on there.

Mistake. Huge mistake. And so and then the promoter eventually comes out. I'm unraveling. Eden's like, I'm like, Eden, should we both kill ourselves? Should you just kill me? We're planning suicide. And so the promoter finally comes out. He's like, what are you doing out here? What are you doing out here?

Gaslit. He's like, honey, you're the star. You're the star of the night. What are you doing in the parking lot? I was like, there's a whole private dressing room with AC and a large couch. I'm like, great. Great. I was in, there's a whole private dressing room with AC and a large couch. I'm like, great, great. I was in the Buffalo Wild Wings kitchen.

He's like, should I take you there? I was like, yeah. Yeah. And so we went from homeless to the penthouse and my head is spinning because I was like fully Because by the way, that party is insane. For there to even be that dressing room, private, with a mirror and a light and a couch. Yeah.

That is presidential. Yes. Yes. We got the A-list shit. Yeah. We did. Yes. Very grateful.

But my head was spinning from the, I mean, I literally was just like, I just won the lottery and I'm trying to nouveau riche acclamation. just won the lottery and i'm trying to uh nouveau riche acclamation um and then um so but then we go out to the you do your number and i go out never been there before go out to the stage area you've never seen the stage i've never so you didn't know i didn't know well the the selling point of this party is that it is if you're a drunk person and you want to go shoulder to shoulder, listen to music. It's, do you like big sweaty bodies? Yeah. It's, I think I don't have agoraphobia or claustrophobia.

No, I do. No, I think I do. Angoraphobia. You're afraid of angora. Yeah, angoraphobia. And Klaus, it's Klaus-nomia. No, but I mean, obviously, and having been in lockdown for a year and a half and pretty much isolated it was an adjustment so you forgot i mean it's basically you know what it is it's

basically like when you and i do halloween at the royale or whatever in boston no this is like brazil except there's not the eight ring of security guards escorting you yes it was crazy also they don't care they're not trying to touch you. They're like, ugh. Yeah. As you're making your way through the crowd. That's the thing about LA. It's like you're in high-hoor drag and everyone's either like,

ugh. Yeah. Couldn't believe. Or they were like, it's some fags makeup artist. Like, ugh. Everyone's annoyed that you're trying to get through.

Mary. It was like, and I'm wearing this giant tool thing and I'm just looking at the ground because there's lots of stuff to trip over. Anyways, maybe if I walk fast enough, people will think I'm Ellen Barkin. Ellen Barkin up the wrong tree. Yeah, maybe Ellen. Glenn Close. Or just Ellen. Yeah. So like going there, getting there and I'm about to go on and I'm like i was like and then the heat hits me i'm like oh oh it was warm it was a microwave so i had brought my own two fans i

had bought i purchased my own two fans and had them delivered to the venue and to be set up at each corner of this small stage i figured wait you had fans set up on stage? I sure fucking did, bitch. Yeah. Because never, I don't know why, because I was like, why in the drag queen industrial complex, this is an entertainment industry that has been forged years ago. And it's the thing, why aren't they part and parcel of the stage show experience for drag queens? I saw Sonique getting her life with a fan recently. She had two of the same ones and then a large Beyonce fan.

And she was just letting it, you know, she even took the fan in her hands. It was just like, ugh. If we tried that, the unit would get caught in the fan, snatch balled. No, but yes. But like, you know. Yes, I know. Yeah. That's how I also feel about air conditioning.

Well, right. Because it's a twofer. Because when you go to Texas, let's say, I find that the gay clubs there are always much better air conditioned because it's so hot that it has to be. Yeah. It's like Florida. They don't fuck around. Versus like Nightingale.

I've been to many in Evita. Nightingale. It's fucking hot. Yeah. It's hot. Because at night it cools down. If you're going to try to look, I hope it's underwear. Oh, my God.

Yeah. I think of the girls in the wigs. And possibly every time I see Gigi Gorgeous out at these places, no matter what the temperature, Mama, she is just, like, actually flawless. I don't know how. It's really confusing. When I talk to her, I'm like, I'll talk to you, but you can't look at me.

It's really confusing. It's really confusing. When I saw her at Violet's show up in the sauna of a VIP lounge, I gave her a hug. She's like, oh, you're sweaty. And I was like, yes, I am. And you're literally a fucking cover model. It's like cover model. And you're a mannequin at the Deb.

Yeah. It's cold to the touch. Anyways, so the show itself was really fun So the show itself Was really fun The show itself Was really fun And I was grateful For the The three

Deep row of Like Girls And lesbos And die hard fans Who like They really got me They really got my back

Yes there was a big There was a sea of Yes Because getting through it Was like Disinterested faggot Inconvenienced faggot you know i'm not you know and you know the 21 year old uh blue haired pansexual wiccans got there at 9

p.m mama yes they were like i'm getting i'm gonna park my ass at the front of that stage and you know come yeah yeah i appreciate that i really do um i opened for you it was it was fun i mean i picked the shirley bassey number which is walk around with a boa love walking around well it's five by five what are you gonna do i wanted to walk to the back of the room and i went to the front of the stage like i was gonna get down and nobody decided to move and i said okay we will not be navigating the room mary i had them i had them measure the um i saw the videos because we're gonna do do choreography. Three of us there. No, that was not going to happen. So I had them measure and give me dimensions from that ledge and then the stage. Girl, there are people on the ledge.

Yeah, it really is. It's like these two tables put together. I had a whole catwalk ledge thing planned. Just guys sitting on the ledge. I know. Sitting on the ledge during the number. I was like, is this like, what is this? It's sitting on the ledge. Sitting on the ledge. Sitting on the ledge during the number. I was like, is this like, what is this? It's sitting on the ledge.

Sitting on the ledge. Sitting on the ledge. Sitting on the ledge. Ledge sticking out. Ledge sticking out. Guy hanging out. Guy hanging out. Yeah.

Well, nightclubs. It really is like, we work in theaters now, but it reminded me of some of the I get hot in theaters, of course. No, but we're getting hot in nightclubs is a different thing. The theater is I love performing at a theater, Mary, because it's six, seven meet and greet, eight o'clock, eight thirty show. You could be in bed with cucumbers on that on that face. Yeah, you really can. Showered. Showered.

Cucumbered. And eating the rest of the cucumber. Watching your stories. Yeah, two slices and then just nibbling and gnawing. Yeah, watching your stories. Yeah, at nightclubs. I mean, when I was like,

oh shit, I don't go on until 1. I was like, what time do I start getting ready? 10.30? I know. I got ready way too early because I just figured like 11? No, it's way too late to get ready.

I did my makeup by 11 and we were just dicking around for like literally an hour and a half in the studio. I know. Yeah. Wait, wait. I want to tell you about this comedy show that I went to. Okay. I went to this comedy show. Great.

It was Hannah Einbender. She was one of the actresses in hacks and um uh she did a night with a bunch of other comics and this um i think her name is nori she's um uh she's a trans comic who uh she said this joke i think i might have already told you but she was like you know being in trans is like um well, it's like an MLM. If I get five of you to transition, I'll get an air fryer. Who was it? Her name was Nori, I think.

It was, I went with Fina and we were just, I mean, like clutching. That is so funny. She's like, you know, dating. I don't want to give away her whole set, obviously, but like dating, you know, like clutching. That is so funny. She's like, you know, dating. I don't want to give away her whole set, obviously, but like dating, you know, it's tough. You know, when I meet someone and I really like them, you know, I just, I guess I take it slow, but I just carefully and methodically

try to get them to transition. It's so fucking fucked up. That is so good. Yeah, it was great. Was it a lot of queer people in the show, or was it just that vibe? It was a very diverse lineup. There was a couple of, some were like skits, and I didn't really care for that, but Hannah fucking killed it. She is a very smart, very funny, very good performer.

She's young. Have you done stand-up? I've you done stand-up i've never done stand-up like like like that like that no i've done like monologue-ish no never like that in a comedy show night i mean i did a comedy show but i wouldn't have called it a comedy show it's fun but you just have to do it so much to get to really like elevate to the point of like whoa oh yeah you do it so much. I have a show Monday with Atsuko. Do you know Atsuko?

She has a bowl cut with big earrings. She does an Instagram dancing with her grandma. Fred Armisen. And I'm like the secret special guest and I haven't done a show in a month. And I'm like, nobody gets amazing at standup by doing one show a month. No.

This is like nobody gets nobody gets amazing a stand up by doing like one show a month. No. I mean, there was. Yeah, there was. I remember Sarah Silverman like she with her. I saw her special, her latest special filmed at Largo. Me and David, you're right. And she had been in Boston. And I think Fina had saw her in Boston a year ago where she was workshopping the stuff.

And there was a lot. It was a very different show that we both saw. workshopping the stuff. And there was a lot, it was a very different show that we both saw. And the amount of experience doing, working on the material, refining it. In her style, you kind of don't know because it's so kind of chill and casual,

but it is perfect. It's perfectly, like, it's perfectly rehearsed and precise. Like, she doesn't say an extra word every word is perfect well it's like those people who you know like when you read the comedians bios they all are like well i basically did three shows a night for free for 10 years yeah lovely lovely model um there's a funny there's a funny girl on twitter who was like um you know breaking into comedy i don't know why I just mentioned that because I can't remember what the bit was.

But yeah, it's like, why are we so obsessed with comedians? And it's comedians and cops. In general? Yeah. In entertainment? Yeah. Cops and comedians. Cop movies.

Why are there so... Enough. Cops and comedians Cop movies Why are there so Every time Enough Not to be gay But like every time

A cop movie comes out Starring like This guy And this younger guy I'm like Haven't we seen this Mary we've seen it all We've seen it on television

We've seen it on The rookie cop And like the veteran It's like a comedy And then they end up bonding And one saves You know like Or seven with the veteran

and almost about to retire but he's pulled back into the force and then the rookie who won't follow the rules or the crooked cop or the it's just too many cops

the cop who's like buy the book and the cop who's like I fly by and see my pants yeah haven't we seen it unless it's literally the heat

with Melissa McCarthy yes and Sandra Bullock, which was lit. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But then again, that's female cop. We don't, we don't see that very much. No. Female cops are either like it's with comedians, female comedians, invisible female cops, just tits. Oh, well, unless it's Reno and I won't work. Yeah, that's true. Because those whores work it out.

That's the only cop show. That's the only cop show that's of any good. I mean, I love, of course, the men in that show, but the women work the pussies out. They are. Oh, man. Maybe these were gay. Like, I watch what we do in the shadows. No, no, no, no, no.

They are so funny. They are so funny. So funny. Niecy Nash, Kerry Kenney, and fucking Wendy McLennan Covey. Niecy Nash. I mean, the way she goes into every single scene. So fucking funny. These whores are painted, too.

Makeup. The character of having this spit curl to the skin with the perfect eyeshadow. A cop like that? So fucking good. Imagine being pulled over by her. I wish. I know. I wish.

And that's her name, Wendy. Wendy McLennan Covey. That full hair and makeup with the tits out. So good. It's great. And then like watching What We Do in the Shadows,

I'm like, I love everybody on this cast, but Nadia gets me together. Yeah. With the bangs, the long wig. I love those bangs. Yes.

And then Guillermo being like, obviously possibly gay. Yeah. Desperately wanting to be a vampire. So fucking funny. Always shit on. Underappreciated. Always shit on.

Doesn't he get like, he accidentally kills that old vampire and gets like, so funny. And then, I mean, spoiler alert, we're on season three now and it's been revealed that he, through the series, has accidentally killed so many vampires because he's the descendant of, Oh, like a vampire hunter? Van Helsing?

Yes, he's the descendant of Van Helsing. So he desperately wants to be a vampire but accidentally kills them constantly. It's so funny.

It's really, really good, yeah. Is Taika Waititi in the, not in the show, He's done like small roles. He's like the head

of the vampire council so he's been like, send them a video message. Tilda Swinton? Tilda Swinton. And that whole vampire council thing was so fucking funny. Evan Rachel Wood. Yes!

True blood. And then what about Blade on a laptop? On a laptop! On Zoom! Always cutting out. Couldn't hear. If you guys aren't watching What We Do in the Shadows. It's so funny. Oh my God.

And I mean, they're all experienced comedians obviously harvey who plays guillermo lets those fucking people have it he's so good he arguably has the non-vampire role you would think the least funny no he's still so fucking justine stealer it's fabulous oh yeah yeah um the costumes too i mean i love shows like that when they get more money, more seasons because they do more shit. Yeah. I mean, that first episode with that Hollywood special effects ancient vampire in the first episode. Incredible.

I was like, this is a TV comedy. Yeah. And it's like full prosthetic. Yeah, it's crazy. Crazy. Prosthetic. Crazy. But then it's shot like The Office or Modern Family.

It's so fucking funny. Yeah. It's really, really good. But that documentary, the original film that it's based on also got me together. Oh, it's fantastic. So good. It's fan-fucking-tastic. Yeah. I watched something recently that was really entertaining.

And I'm trying to remember what it was. Oh, God. That's tough. We're going to take a break. Now, our change will honor 100 years of the Royal Canadian Air Force and their dedicated service to communities at home and abroad. From the skies to our change, this $2 commemorative circulation coin marks their storied past and promising future. Find the limited edition Royal Canadian Air Force $2 coin today. Introducing TD Insurance for Business, with customized coverage options for your business.

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Can I borrow the car, please, Mom? Kids go from 0 to 18 in no time. You'll be relieved they have 24-7 roadside assistance with Intact Insurance. Mom, can we go to Nana's house tomorrow? I want to go to Jack's place today. I'll just take the car. Don't wait up, okay? Kids go from 0 to 18 in no time, don't they?

At Intact Insurance, we insure your car so you can enjoy the ride. just take the car don't wait up okay kids go from zero to 18 in no time don't they at intact insurance we insure your car so you can enjoy the ride visit intact.ca or talk to your broker conditions apply and we're back we're back and i just might you know if you're watching this hi how are you you know that i've got a little wiglet here on and it's a wiglet i don't it's you know i can take it off but um i don't ever pretend that it's real hair. Now, Nicole Kidman, on the other hand, would have you believe that her character in Nine Perfect Strangers is wearing, is not wearing, but has a long blonde natural hair that goes down her back. Where in reality, she's got a piece on that's about three and a half tracks of used Lord of the Rings discarded wig fiber. And at every opportunity, they get that bitch wet.

She's in the water. She's in a pool. She's in a lake. She's jumping in a waterfall. And she comes up with three strands of straggly little blondes. Nine Perfect Strangers. Nine Perfect Strangers, yeah. Regina Hall. Regina Hall.

Yeah, Michael Shannon. Michael Shannon. Melissa McCarthy. Looking fabulous. Lipstick game is outrageous for Melissa McCarthy, yeah. Bobby Cannavale. Manny Jacinto.

You see his lovely butt. The marketing is great. I've never seen it and I can tell you everyone who's in it. Mama, the marketing has been aggressive. Every street in Los Angeles. To the point where I actually approached our management. I was like, if you don't get me a recap show dressed as Nicole Kidman, as Masha from Tranquillum, it's over. But then I actually don't enjoy the show that much.

It's not that great. It's not that great. It's not that great. It's no Mare of Easttown. Let's just say that. Well, you often find yourself roped into these like juggernaut Hollywood A-list shows. And maybe you set your sights too high because maybe they're just not that good. This one is not that good because White Lotus. This is coming off the heels of the White Lotus, which is like um luxe white satire that really the writing was just because mike white chuck and

buck chuck and buck suck and fuck you know that one no oh uh mike white is incredible writer he wrote um enlightened he's he's like incredible and i would play her um uh Ron um Ron Hill okay work in 30 years okay um so anyways White Lotus was incredible and then this happens and it's like you don't live she has there's like um there's flashbacks where she's wearing uh she gets shot in a parking lot in an atomic bland wig, my wig, and she's Russian. And she's like, one day I was high power CEO and then bam, I was killed. It's just... Are these people dead in this show?

No, she came back to life. She got shot in a parking lot and then she died for a second and then she's back now. She's the leader of this wellness retreat that secretly micro doses it's the patients with psilocybin oh is that what the show is about yeah so people all come to this retreat for different reasons yeah and it's a lot of shots of like waterfalls smoothies being mixed it's a lot of filler it's a lot it's beautiful but it's just not that great. Wow. Anyways, she wears these thin, castaway Lord of the Rings wigs,

and it's like, Mama, get the wig game together. What is the wiggery up with? It's Big Little Lies? We sold that at Dorothy's for $35.99. I know. Well, wig budget, I guess. No, I'm saying on productions like that, they're not prioritizing wig budgets.

They're not. Yes, they are. You think? I know. Mary, they'll go to Maurice Newhouse and they'll say, we need a hand-knotted, full lace, human hair, balayage thing. And they're going to pay it.

Maybe they're paying her probably $20 million or $10 million. You think they can shell out $12,000 for a goddamn wig? They should. They should. I haven't really been watching anything. I completed The Real Housewives of New York, so I'm done now. And that's with Teresa Giudice with The Hungry Hairline? That's New Jersey.

Oh, New Jersey. Okay. And now I started Atlanta from Lisa Rinna, New York. That's Beverly Hills. So I finished Beverly Hills in New York. Okay. But now I'm starting Atlanta from the beginning.

And it's always fun to start these real housewives in the beginning. Yes. Cause people have like blackberries and stuff. It's that long. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Flip phones, blackberries. Nini is obviously, I'm a one episode and I'm like, Oh, this is why Nini is going to be a big star. It's like, yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Flip phones, blackberries. Nene is obviously, I'm on one episode and I'm like, oh, this is why Nene is going to be a big star. It's like, wow, this person is so, yes. Do you think, I know you're probably biased, but I think that sometimes Bravo is a jester to jail pipeline.

What the fuck does that mean? That they make jester flop clowns of women and then just send them to jail. Well, here's how I feel. Don't go on a TV show that's about flaunting wealth if your taxes aren't squeaky clean. And on the other side of that, sometimes I've been like, is this show good for women? Is this bad? But then I'm like, what other series have I seen horny, independent, wealthy, successful women on their own doing things without men for themselves yes I think it probably passes the Bechdel test every episode

maybe yeah because it's women's relationships with each other and not necessarily with men yeah so there's a are there a lot of convo is that between women not about men yes about things like surgery or things like on lipstick being critical of each other's parenting styles. Okay. Or where someone gets their money. Yep. Great.

Or just like, it's a lot of like, you're going to go to a group thing. You're going to break into groups and talk about the group thing. And then break into new groups and tell each other what you each said about the group thing. And then come back to another group thing and fight about what you heard about the group thing. That's a lot of groups. It's a lot. But, you know, it's just like a, it's something to put on like while i put makeup on that's why it takes me so long to get through it because i'm not like bulldozing through it okay and then i re-watch don't breathe because i know don't breathe 2 is coming out so i re-watched the

first one i saw the trailer here i am afraid of blind people again because that show because you're gonna get uh locked in a basement and then injected with semen yeah sorry that's like just that's very we ho at least the guy I forgot that he goes I'm not a rapist which I love that in his mentality I'm not a rapist I'm just going to tie you up just forcibly inseminate make you carry my baby yeah yeah it was so scary but also the whole movie sorry sorry sorry I know he's a murderer. Whatever. You do not need to be breaking into people's houses and stealing their money either. Oh, of course. I mean, they're breaking into a blind person's house. An old man to steal. Yeah. And then you're like, I can't believe he's retaliating. I'm the victim. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Of course he's psycho. Of course. But wrong house, mama. Wrong house. Yeah. Stay home. Get a job at the... Go down to Yogurtland. Taco Bell. Are you hiring? I'll be down to fill out an application.

I love Taco Bell. I've never had Taco Bell. Can you believe it? I won't oversell it because it is the McDonald's of Mexican food. Okay. But if you want, not Mexican food, but the McDonald's version. Yeah. Is there anything with cheese not on it? Yeah.

And you can change whatever you want. Really? You don't like cheese? No. You can change whatever you want. Okay. It's not like, oh. No, I know.

No, of course. Chipotle is that for me. Like, oh. Yeah. In-N-Out for me is like that. Okay. It's probably that, but Mexican food. Okay.

So like, what'd you get? What'd you get to talk about? Who would play her? Yeah. Who would eat her? A bean burrito. Okay. A cheese quesadilla.

Bean burrito. What's in that besides beans? Bean, cheese, rice, I think lettuce, and a little bit of red sauce. And maybe teeny little fine diced onions. So it's just really plain. Okay. Cheese, it's literally quesadillas, tortilla, the cheese melts in the middle. Hot or soft?

That's it. Hot. Hot. Hot. And again. Hot. Hot. Hot. It's a. Hot. Hot. And again. Hot. Hot. Hot.

It's a hot as sauce. It's soft. Soft. I like hot shells. Yes. Now again, Chipotle is like, oh, quality, fresh. Taco Bell's a little more like, I need something that's going to slime its way down my body. Gordito.

Something sinister. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Yeah. And a ghost to push the more evil thing through. Yeah. As far as Digest-A-Tr the, the more evil thing through the, yeah. As far as digestive tract goes,

this is a plan B pill. Do you know what I mean? Like, I don't even think you could leak now with them. Put them now. With them restricting women's reproductive rights. I'm not even sure you can get Taco Bell in Texas anymore. That's the wrath it has on your mother.

Fucking hell. But, but it's good. And then our chips and cheese. Of course, they have things like, you know, the Baja Mountain Dew. It's just it's just good once in a while. Like I can't even tell you if I'm like 7 p.m. I worked out a lot today.

I want Taco Bell. Yeah, you do. Yeah. You get a hankering. Because, you know, dietary speaking, I'll run the full marathon And then go gain Those calories back Oh yeah You'll have a full You'll go to

Olive Garden And get the like Unlimited soup Salad buffet With Ma's gravy I love Olive Garden I love it too I also love the

Motherfucking Cheesecake Factory Bitch I just went to The other day It works my pussy out Dark is the nightclub in there And people make fun of that menu Like it's too big I'm like

No it isn't Every restaurant should have A menu this size I don't think it was that big and plus the skinnylicious menu is so funny it's also good yeah i'm sure it's good yeah i'm sure it's good it was like um we were skinnylicious divas it's good yeah yeah the cheesecake which by the way if you don't have time you know if you get too full you can't eat it but the cheesecake is it's great yeah it's really lovely

the veggie burger they have so many good vegetarian options did we talk about I know we talked about Candyman did we talk about Nighthouse

on the pod tell me about Nighthouse Mary I've got to tell you so horror movies we want to talk about Beautiful not bald but Beautiful

old no my age Rebecca Hall English actress, fine actress, talented actress, beautiful actress. Born two days after me,

May 3rd, 1982. She stars in this horror movie, a thriller. And, you know, so her husband kills himself suddenly out of nowhere and after having built them this lake house that's gorgeous and she's um coping with grief and then starts to go crazy you've got to see this movie you know how these the kids say oh she ate that

yeah mama she ate it that whole uh night house she it out every scene is littered in her feces night house she shit it out every scene is littered in her feces feces on the wall is it mom level no this is a pure like exquisite excellent done horror movie would play her as far as like um not her the movie who would play the movie as far as another horror movie that was that good or that vibe i would say like like, that's a great question. I'm not going to say Hereditary because it's not that intense. It is very intense. Hereditary.

But I really, I rewatched Hereditary and Midsommar. This? I'm sorry. It is scary. It's funny too though. I laughed out loud when that headless body just floated.

When she goes, It's funny. It's so funny. And I think those naked folks are funny, too. Have you watched it again? Do you clock all the naked people outside the house? Yes, I do. In this, watching Midsommar Again, bitch, in the foilage, there is her dead, she hallucinates

her dead sister with the gas mask. I mean, there's all this hidden shit, especially with the hallucinatory stuff in Midsommar. Midsommar is packed. I love Midsommar. He is a genius. He is a genius. And the fact that Toni Collette did not win an Oscar for Hereditary. Girl!

And the fact that Rebecca Hall will not be even nominated for an Oscar for The Night House is criminal behavior that should be punishable by death. We've talked about this. They don't respect women, A, and B, horror. Horror! And especially not comedy or comedy horror. What about Elizabeth Moss in Invisible Man? Mary. Mary?

She should have won an Oscar for that. Sarah Michelle Gellar, but for The Vampire Slayer. Well, that's a little Emmy. No stretch. Oh, Emmy, Emmy, yeah. Seven seasons. No Emmy. Yeah. Oh, oh stupid little vampire flick we can't do that crazy because it's horror with the sense of humor but like hereditary and there's a sad thing is I remember leaving the theater and going it was so good and it's sad that she'll never get an award that's what exactly what I

thought when Rebecca Hall because bitch Toni Coll, she went and she gathered the girls. She gathered them. Every single person in the address book she had gathered and shit on all of them. And gathered the ponytail, the yaki. All the,

there was feces everywhere. Everywhere. Cleanup crews for months. Bones sticking out. Bones sticking out. It was just so good. I love that movie. And oh my God,

that young teenager who plays the brother. Alex, Alex, so good. I love that movie. And oh my God, that young teenager who plays the brother. Alex. Alex. Yeah. He maybe doesn't change or he played a teenager. Yeah. Yeah.

He was an old, by the way. Work. Yes. And also the young girl who came to see our show. A fan of the fan of the girls. Yes. Yeah. The girls.

I didn't see that coming at all in that movie. So then you're like, I'm in the movie theater. Like, oh. I didn't see that coming at all in that movie So then you're like I'm in the movie theater like And then The close up shot In the morning of the head

Being swarmed by bugs and flies Also the brother just slowing down the car And parking and not looking back That's what I would do And going to bed And just going to bed Love it And finding

Tony Clate in the morning Love it It's just. Love it. It's so fierce. Also, bitch, that dinner scene where she's screaming at him because they hate each other now, basically. That scene is, that's where it's like, where's the Oscar? Where's the Oscar?

Where's the Oscar? Where is the Oscar? But you know what though? People like Tony Collette don't do movies like that because they're not award chasing. They're storytelling. That's why it's so good. They're acting. They're storytelling. That's why it's so good. They're acting. They're acting.

That's what these, not these Princess Diana biopics, not these like, not these like make me ugly and then I'll be a killer lesbo,

you know, not, you know what I mean? Not Sleepaway Camp. No, I'm talking Charlize and Monster. Oh,

yeah. Yeah, that, well, that was still. No, she's great, but it has the whiff

of an Oscar. Does Toni Clark get an Oscar nomination for a Sixth Sense? I didn't know she was in Sixth Sense. Oh, bitch. She's Haley Joel Osment's mom. Remember that scene where they're in the car and he's like,

Grandma told me she still visits you sometimes. Oh, it's so- I have to rewatch that one. Bitch, you have to watch it. Toni Collette, red flip mom hair. Turtleneck, like a red turtleneck. Pink metallic press press on nails. The tackiest mom with like a, I don't want that on my kitchen table.

Like a Coco Peru accent. I love that. You have to rewatch it. I mean, I know that movie is a thousand years old. It's okay because it's, I think it's the only one. Bruce Willis, no wiener though. No wiener? I know the Bruce Willis, but there's no wiener.

But at least he's a secret daddy. devil i guess you get girl come on that's the only twist that has not i mean everybody ended this week and i swear to god drag race on paramount plus which those episodes become available at what midnight or whatever yeah people are fully on twitter at 10 a.m going oh thanks for spoiling it yeah i don't feel that for you get your fucking raggedy ass on Twitter and go watch The Sixth Sense people yes stay off the internet yeah yeah yeah but yeah

Toni Collette she'll never win Rebecca Hall will never win there is this scene there is this scene in the beginning so we know something

has happened we know she's grieving we don't exactly know why and she's a teacher and so she goes back to school a little early because it's like she shouldn't really be back yet and a parent comes in a snooty parent comes in to talk to her to um she's like what you know i noticed my son um got a c on his um his uh whatever and she's like oh okay uh who's your son and um and the she the woman is being so annoying and rebecca hall is like like still not with it

and basically she says um uh oh yeah because i wasn't in that day he's like well um i think that you know he should get credit for he's like i'm sorry my husband blew his brains out last thursday and it's like the way that like it is it's funny it's shocking and it's like the way that like it is. It's funny. It's shocking. And it's like the best use of expository dialogue that moves the plot like significantly along without saying like, well, not the person in the scene and shocks you. It's the same time. It's this scene is so fucking good. And it's her acting range is so outrageous because she goes from mournful to like, Rebecca Moore, Rebecca Hall,

Rebecca Moore, mournful to bitchy to like comical. It's like, Oh, her mind. Well, that's the pod. Is that it?

That's it. All right. Thank you so much for listening, subscribing, and we'll see you next time. Bye.