The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Beauty Tips, Bathroom Raccoons, & Talking Tumors with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: October 26, 2021

This week's episode is a special occasion, you filthy animals. So trim your nose hair, shave your shoulders, and slather on some Drakkar Noir to cover up your disgusting musk. Trixie and Katya explore such weighty topics as traveling toddlers, murderous maladies, and automotive intercourse. So dim the lamps, light the jack-o-lantern, and settle in to experience the most terrifying tales of mung-diving you'll hear this entire Halloween season. Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To listen to our podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be helpful! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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With deals this good, everyone wants to be a student. Join for just $4.99 a month. Savings may vary. Eligibility and member terms apply. Okay, we are reporting live from the Children's Hospital. Yes. Yes. Hello.

You are... It's the final Bald and the Beautiful. The final episode and you are getting an IV so you could die. Yeah. Well, it's the semi-final, I guess, because we don't know if we will pick it up in the future, but we are going on a break. This is the series finale. Season finale. Season finale.

Season finale. Season finale, Mary. Season finale. Yeah. And you know what? People are going to be mad because they don't get enough opportunities to hear us talk i know especially to each other tough it's really tough i know it's like i mean yeah i'd um i don't know what to tell them i don't know what to tell them i don't know which direction to point them in is it to the other netflix or the netflix show or is it the web series or is it the books or is it the

Yeah, the books, the films, the documentary films. I don't know. Yeah. Oh, by the way. Is it the social media? By the way,

if we ever come back, we're going to change the name to Who Would Play Her. Yes. He totally did. I was working on a secret project with Michelle and we were backstage

and I was like, I don't know if you know this, but me and Katya are obsessed with who would play her. Who would play her? She's like, what? I'm like, who would play her? Like she didn't even really know. She's like, oh, that thing that Rue says all the time. I'm like, yes.

Yeah. I'm like, but we're not even talking about people anymore. We're like, oh, I had a good sandwich the other day. Oh, who would play her? It's not even people. I got to show you a few of my new favorite things. Let me show you what I got. Do it.

I'm in Austin right now because I'm playing Austin City Limits tonight. Yeah, you got a drip in the arm. I got an IV drip in the arm. Yes. Just Gypsy Rose Blanchard like you've never seen. Oh, you're using a microphone. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Shit. I got to do a song. You know when people say catch this drip? That's what they mean. It's an IV drip. You know? If I open an IV drip business, I call it catch this drip.

Catch this drip. So during like the 45 minutes of takes for the fluid, you do a number. You do like a for the fluid, you do a number. You do like a song. Yeah, you do a number. I would say I would be Naomi Campbell from Girl 6 saying, dick drip. Now turn over and let me spank you. Yeah, dick drip.

Sounds like a perfectly good way to start the day. Normally when I'm getting fluids in a hotel room, it doesn't take 45 minutes. Okay, let's just say that. How gross. I got to show you what I got from our managers for a present to me, a good luck gift. Oh, my God. I'm scared. Everybody gets- I got a temperature gun. Everybody gets temped. I got a temperature gun

Everybody gets temped Everybody gets temped I got a temperature gun Wow I can't wait I shot Brandon I shot him in the head In the crotch

Two degree difference by the way Yeah And then I shot the candle 400 degrees So it's supposed to be 90 degrees and humid On stage tonight Where I'm playing

You better shoot that air bitch You better shoot that air 90 degrees and humid on stage tonight where I'm playing. You better shoot that air, bitch. 90 degrees and humid, which sadly isn't even the warmest environment I've been in in drag in the last few weeks. Yeah, that's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. There's talks of me continuing this podcast by myself, and I swear to God, it's going to be called Who Would Play Her? And it's me going to places and talking about the air conditioning and critiquing the air conditioning.

HVAC. Yeah. It's literally just heating and cooling. It's just the heating and cooling Yelp. And it's a scale of 10. 10 being Mr. Freeze, Arnold Schwarzenegger Batman and Robin And 1 being The Devil in Hell For Texas Period

Oh my god Period I better not get pregnant While I'm here Why? The baby not gonna survive? If you get pregnant In here

I don't know what you do If you don't If you want That's right That's right That's right Best thing I could Look forward to

One of those Like fake clinics Where it's like A really religious person Who takes like A fake x-ray and then puts a face app filter, like a smile app filter on the fetus. On the fetus. Yeah. I'd get hired to do the Pixar animations for all of them. Your new hustle.

Yeah. And I'll know something is up because you'll be in scrubs smoking indoors is this a health clinic and i'm just photoshopping two three-year-old toddlers into these ultrasounds just like full head of hair clothes oh yeah 10 years old One of these Yeah Clothing Doing activities Playing GameCube Jump open You see She is already

Very healthy And she wants to live She needs to live Oh my god Look at She's already talking And then there's a fake Audio of you going like

Mama Mama Please don't abort me Don't Please take him Oh speaking of Witch hoe I walked out of the movie theater the other night why why i hated the movie my i went to see um i went to see this movie called

titan a french movie it's this like tour de force palm door winner you know gritty wild crazy i spoilers is it another princess diana movie oh no no no but to that point i have another don't let me forget i have another thing about that um this woman i saw her first of all i saw her take a knitting needle that she used as a hairpin and try to give herself an abortion and there was motor oil mama there wasn't blood there was motor oil motor oil mama there was motor all yeah and not only that not only that there was other things other things transpired that i could not i could not handle no no she was well i the the good part was she got fucked by a car she got she went in the car and the car fucked her.

She was in the in the in the car with the. So it was a Princess Diana movie. That's so horrible. So bad. So bad. Oh, God. There's but there's a Princess Diana. Long story short, there was so much violence.

I didn't. It just didn't bum me out. I left halfway no not halfway half an hour in I left I said no ma'am not it

well mama I'm about six weeks behind you in the movie you know when movies come out usually I'm six weeks behind you to see something can we discuss

Malignant girl when she I swear to god that movie that movie big time spoilers here Malignant

If you do not have If you have not seen Malignant You need to turn this off right now But I swear to god The studio You know how that elevator pitch was What if this bitch

Kills a whole bunch of people backwards That That was the elevator pitch There's no way Backwards was the storytelling And the wig application Oh The wigiest

That was not a human hair unit. The synthetic wig of it all. Do you know when we were, ages ago, when Andrew and I went back to the, we were at the theater watching the previews,

the minute that preview came up and that girl, that woman was on, on the screen, Andrew and I, on both, we looked at each other, we didn't even look at each other,

we both said out loud, wig. Once you wear wigs, you see them in movies constantly and yes it's shocking we talked about this before yeah it's shocking how blatant they are given people's research wait a minute what was that what see i got to get my temp gun to shoot that lighter i want to know the temperature that butane it's going to be fiery hot. Blue hot. It's always good when your friend in the program has a butane lighter on hand, right? That's fine.

Listen. That's totally fine. You know what? Listen. Let me tell you. Listen, I was lighting the pilot light in my stove. I don't have enough time for matches. Oh, shit.

Now where am I going to put the thingy? By the way, top tier level gay is to have a butane torch to light your scented candles. Yes, because I'm not futzing around with these long matches, bitch. I'm not futzing around. I'm not futzing around. We got to go back to malignant. Okay. So I fell asleep watching it and I fell asleep before it really heated up, right?

And David finished watching without me. And the next day he goes, you fell asleep right before it got crazy. And I said, what? And he goes, Gabriel. And I said, what? He said, the creature. Spoiler alert. Yeah.

The back. She has been killing everyone. Yeah. And it's been her twin. Yeah. Her. In her brain. Yeah.

With the tiny arms. What about with the flashback? Very Kato, very Kato from total recall. I mean, it was so outrageous. Tiny, tiny little arms.

Yes. She had a little furry backpack on. Essentially. She had a little like child's backpack on, except it was an evil demon coming out of her mother fucking head. This is, this is unpopular. I would have not been so

obsessed with removing the attached twin i would have been like let's do like a double act like and he's psychic are you kidding me i'd be like we're going to buy scratchers honey get in get in the prius get your arms and legs in the window baby and he's got two extra little arms to scratch at the same time. We could be winning double millions. Double lotto. You put a couple quarters in that beat. We've got two social security numbers. You've got...

I have a question. Yeah. There is a group of... There's a set of twins who are adjoined, conjoined, ultimate sacrifice. And they are teachers in Minnesota. Do they get two salaries?

Is it one salary? They must get two. They they get two salaries? Is it one salary? They must get two. They got to get two. I don't know. Good question. Have them on the pod. If they give the kid a detention, is it two detentions?

Who would play them? Who would play them, Gabriel? But the part, the Matrix level martial arts backwards. That's what I'm talking about. That whole movie is nothing without the prison fight scene. The prison fight scene with Zoe Bell from Kill Bill. What?

She played the hillbilly with the mullet. Yes. No way. Yes. Once you clock her face, she's in everything. Oh my God. Yeah, she is in everything. Anytime there's like an intense fight scene where the person has to actually deliver

lines. It's always her. Cause she's funny. Yeah. Cause she's a good actor too. Um, that, that prison scene was the craziest thing.

My jaw was on the floor. It was, I couldn't believe what I was watching. I couldn't believe it either. It was so wild. It was so wild. And I did, I really,

I did. I don't know that it was, it was ma. It was, it was conjoined to ma. It was very bigined to Ma. It was very Ma. It's her tether. Big Ma energy. This is Ma's tether.

Yeah. If you opened up the back, if you parted the hair on the back of Ma's head, it would be this movie under there with little arms. That's what it is. It was very like when she's like, you know when she's like, she's on the corner of the side, that meme of her? That's what would happen if you parted the hair. My God.

That movie was crazy. So crazy. I haven't talked to you in so long. We tried to film this episode a couple times, but I was in the UK and my hotel Wi-Fi was not legit. You did not have that Ritz Wi-Fi. No, they give you that dial-up for free. and if you want to basically buy it by the hour. Crazy. Crazy.

Crazy, crazy talk. So last night at 5 a.m., bitch, I thought a raccoon got in my house. Why did you think that? Because there was a crash and a whole bunch of shit flying And I was like I was like Oh my god I was like bolted awake

And I was like Oh my god There's a raccoon in here Just went back to bed But I woke up this morning It is what it is It is what it is I was like

It is what it is I can't The door's closed I can't get in here I'm fine So what are you gonna do? Chase it out? Like it's already in there

Well that's what I was thinking I was like If it's in the kitchen I gotta go to the broom The broom's in the kitchen What am I to do? Chase it out like it's already in there? Well, that's what I was thinking. I was like, if it's in the kitchen, I got to go to the broom. The broom's in the kitchen. What am I going to do? Choose that with my legs? These long legs? So, let's get scratched up. This is a similar

story that maybe I've never told you. If there is one story left, I haven't told you yet. Which is probably the reason we're taking a break on the pod because there's just no new information. Nothing else new. In college, I had this roommate named Liz, and she was a very hipster very hipster like blonde mullet and for some reason she kind of she kind of had this kind of voice my name is liz she always suffering it was like um um i remember her talking about like learning art words from her being like it's

conceptual like she kind of talked like that um i believe she's a kinder or she's a kinderburn teacher now i think i've never heard this story we had an apartment um you know it's a 850 a month uh split three ways we each paid 250 or whatever yeah crazy but it was like 400 square feet three people in it couldn't believe we shared it and one of the windows did not have a screen and one day we came home um from school or something and there was a squirrel sitting on the couch we walked in and saw it sitting on the couch and liz yelled oh hell no and it ran out oh hell no to his clue oh hell no. You get out. Get out of here. Yes. Let me tell you this. On the way to London, I found out that to travel internationally, you need a COVID test.

Yeah. And nobody, someone lied to her several times and no one told her about it. No one told her. So I'm at the gate and they go, do you have your COVID test? And I go, no. And they go, you can run to Tom Bradley terminal and you can make it. You can run to Tom Bradley. You can go over there and if you can make it there and back with your test, you can fly.

You said, I'm a marathon runner, bitch. Hold my water in all my bags. Oh, I ran. Did you put on your easy spirits? I got there unwinding, unscathed. And I arrived at it and said, I'd like my test, please. So then it was positive. Paid a few thousand to cover it up flew anyway i'm just kidding they said you don't have covid but you have so much herpes you cannot come to another country

you have fba yeah and the project i was on the constant the constant nose swabbing pretty much every day oh my god they swab the throat and was on the constant, the constant nose swabbing pretty much every day. Oh my God. The nose swabbing the throat. They swabbed the throat and nose. And the first day that I did my nose and they go, oh, you have to do your throat too. Same swab. They said, that's why we told you to do your mouth first.

To them, rooting my, I'm rooting myself with booger stick. Oh my God. The indignity. The indignity. And I haven't reached a point where they told me I can't talk about the project I did but let's just say it was very very high budget

very cool and my reading material while I was there the diva rulez give me the scholastic I read the diva rules get so give me give me the scholastic um i read the rules let's get the reveal the roger ebert not the roger ebert the new york times book review it's a quick read that's not a read it's a quick it's a nice quick read okay read the first half on the plane and then like interspersed through what i do like a chapter a day um i want to say this about michelle visage she is the moment and i don't think drag race did a very

good job introducing who she is to the audience yeah i agree to call her i agree his friend a drag queen's best friend no ruse best is so minimizing yeah to her actual like career yeah and i didn't even know that until i read this book like michelle the reason she's an authority on drag she's from like the new york 80s ball scene yeah like she was out there with the paris's burning folks doing that shit yeah inventing this language we all use now you know what i mean and so to call her like oh she has one track on the bodyguard and she's ruse friend is like so yeah they need to get those nails they need to get into those nails the nails the nails and the face the voice the body obviously yeah um did you know that she was in this band seduction the first interracial girl group by the way yeah they had you know hit songs they traveled they made tens of thousands of dollars a night

and because their contract they only each got $1,000 a week. And Michelle, after two years of touring with Seduction, giant venues, pop star, diva, left basically broke and in debt. It's so crazy. She's being in Seduction, touring giant pop venues. Months later, she's flat broke, and she starts emceeing at a strip club. Wow. But it was kind of before the internet so it's not like you could you know now if you were like a fallen from oh yeah they tear you a lot tear you apart yeah but she's like i literally was a pop star a few months ago and now i'm introducing like an oil wrestling contest at a strip club yeah it's crazy

but she went there to strip because she was like i'm gonna make money these girls are making money and she was they were like it's time to get on the pole and she went i can't do it really i can't she couldn't do it she's like i can't do it she's like these girls get up there and put on like a serious like strip kind of persona she's like i'm not serious enough to like get up there and do this oh wow also i think she had her boobs done but she didn't have like the michelle boobs yeah okay the one well the previous michelle boobs done, but she didn't have like the Michelle boobs yet. Okay. The one, well, the previous Michelle boobs. Yeah.

But because she worked on the microphone in the strip club, that's where she learned to like be funny, which helped her. That's how she got into radio. Oh, wow. Well, that makes TV. Yeah.

She's great. I mean, she, you can hear it. She's great on the, she's great on the radio. She's a great talker. Great conversation.

But I just like not to be critical. I just think that the audiences of drag race, if don't know michelle's like whole background until this book right i know the audience doesn't know right yeah they certainly don't know about that um that um that blonde hair the bikini and those four uh 14 inch nails 14 inch square plastic 14 inch you're like what is on what does she hold does she have a baseball mitts on nope she's got yeah i gotta tell you this from the book too um her look kind of like not to the nails but the rest of the look the blonde hair the um she performed at the love ball which was like i believe uh like an hiv fundraiser and it was a big deal because there was a celebrity in the audience

madonna came to see the love ball and michelle's number was her in like a studded bra with a blonde ponytail voguing. Four months later, Vogue comes out. So wild. Using dancers from Michelle's rival, like their like rival Vogue house. So crazy. And then when seduction got big, she heard through the grapevine. They sat down for a meeting and they were like, oh, we have a message from Madonnaonna's people she sees what you're doing basically and she doesn't like it she doesn't like that you bit off her yes and then michelle told me a few months ago um madonna was on like

an instagram live and she was on instagram live with someone michelle knows and so michelle was commenting yeah and madonna says like who is this michelle person yeah she's getting too much air time or whatever she has to stop asking questions yeah yeah yeah very jealous very jealous very jealous you are just like a rat jumping around looking for food very jealous you want to call me obese really you don't know what you're talking about. What's it like to trade crypto on Kraken? Let's say I'm in a state-of-the-art gym surrounded by powerful-looking machines. Do I head straight for the squat rack?

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Terms and conditions apply. I'm going to go see Madam X tonight, bitch. Oh, the screening? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You going to a social event voluntarily? I know, I know.

Is this an ISIS video? Well, I'm so, I'm? Well, I'm scarred from the fact that I was not invited to the We're Here premiere in every single... You weren't invited? I don't think so. Do you read your emails? No. Okay, so

let's just stop right here. I went through them. There was nothing of the sort in there. You were not invited? Bob called me personally to invite me. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. them there was nothing of the sort in there and um you were not invited every single personally to invite me unbelievable unbelievable this is unbelievable yes abso-fucking-lutely i would have gone i i it's it looked like the best party when lady bunny was there it looked like the best part of the world i actually for the first time in my entire motherfucking life had that fomo business but it was after the fact because it was way after it happened sitting on the couch

smoking gut out watching you know whatever whatever yeah did you watch the squid game i sure fucking did i gobbled that shit up i lived i sobbed i retched i almost puked almost puked we're doing it on netflix we are yeah no we're not we are i was the reason I almost didn't watch it because I figured we'd have to end up talking about it later. I know. And I told her, I was like, hey, listen, it's not that funny if like one of us has seen it or one of, you know what I mean? But I was like, but they just, they're, they're dying. They're dying for it. But if we've both seen it.

They're begging for it. We've both seen it. Michelle told me to watch it. So I watched it. It's, I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. I love the violence I loved it. I loved it. I love the violence and the storytelling.

Yeah. Yeah. I love all of it. You know, I was reading this interview about it and they were saying that in American cinema, violence is sort of like pointless. And in something like that program, they use the violence to like make the audience to really push the theme further oh my god it was it was disturbing it was absolutely disturbing very disturbing very how would you do in the squid game the game the games in general well um i mean red i think you could do red yeah red light green i could do that um you just have to not get uh you have to get not pushed over by a free someone

freaking out um yes and then um i'd be good i'd be good in the um i mean if you have the umbrella in the in the the little the sugar carving thing good luck to you mama good luck to you good luck to you that's like having a luck to you trying to do drag and having a bum knee yeah bone sticking out bone sticking out oh my god. Brandon just said bone sticking. Um, wait a minute. I don't girl. Did you cry from the marble episode?

I almost, I, I almost puked. Who would play her? You're crying. I almost puked. I almost puked. It was,

um, no, no, it was, it's not, it's not, there's no sound. It was this,

you'll just have to paint the picture for them. I did cry a little bit. Broken blood vessels, snots, just horrible. Yeah. I would lost it when she kept saying we could do this together. And she said,

Oh, sorry. Oh yeah. I also thought like, I lost it when she kept saying we could do this together and she said oh sorry oh yeah I also thought like I would have done what they did let's just throw a marble let's not spend this whole time playing a long game too much and Sangwoo that motherfucker

girl I would have did what he did are you kidding me and he felt bad about it I wouldn't have felt bad about it well that old man was not going to win no no no I'm not talking about him Are you kidding me? And he felt bad about it. I wouldn't have felt bad about it. Well, that man, that old man was not going to win. No, no, no. I'm not talking about him. I'm not talking about the, I'm talking about the guy who did the whole fake out.

Meet me back here. I'd also do that. But also that guy shouldn't have fell for it. Come on. I'm surprised. I'm yeah, I guess so. I'm surprised. You can't pee on my leg and tell me it's random either.

I'm surprised. Nobody just snatched the other's marbles. Mary – well, they said it had to be a game, like a real game. Oh. Okay. Yeah, I would have done what those girls did. Just throw one marble and just like – Yeah. Just hit it.

Peace. Yeah. Peace and blessings. Yeah. For sure. For sure. Do you think that old man was pretending the whole time? Yeah.

To be feeble then? Yeah. Yeah. Well, he wasn't – Yeah. To be feeble then? Yeah. Yeah. Well, he wasn't. He was actually feeble. I know, but that's why I was like, was he pretending the whole time? Because he clocked him and said, wow, you would really lie to your friend to win.

I know. So gaggy. Say, bitch, or what? Die? Yeah. You want me to die for you? I met you two days ago. Yeah, but they had a report going.

Every six hours, they give me a half pickle. Yeah. Like, you're lucky i didn't eat you when you died i know oh man i won't just kill my friends i'll eat them in this scenario i'll be covered in blood being like this is delicious you would be ruthless in that squid game mary um i would be that man throwing people in those panes of glass i know i know that was spooky that was yeah yeah but this see, I got a better one. So I had a revelation, a vision that it's a squib game, June Squib.

And it's just the me and you. And we go to a weekend retreat for a team building exercise because we're not getting along. We've got to work together. And so just the two of us go. And it's a company outing and it's Squib Game. June Squib is hosting and she says,

the first game is mung diving. Tell people what mung diving is. I gotta let you. Read the definition from the internet. No, I gotta let you know. I'll tell you what mung diving is. I need you to blow up because my phone, I need you to know. I'll tell you what I'm talking about I need you to pull up because my phone I need you to know

I need you to know about it the poor IB technician is sitting here and she's going to have to hear about it tell her I'm so sorry she says she's sorry that you're going to have to hear this because it's rotten you got to read number two first so it's really getting juicy.

No, I'll tell you what it is. This is from Urban Dictionary, which is a lot like Merriam-Webster. I sent it to you. Okay. Yeah. This is horrible, just so you know. Okay. Lung diving.

By the way, any listeners, I didn't write this. I didn't even send this to myself. This person I'm talking to sent this to me. When two people take a corpse into the desert and leave it there for two or three days so it's really getting juicy. The two people come back. Person places their mouth on the asshole of the corpse while person B jumps on the stomach of the body. This causes the entire intestinal tract to shoot into person A's mouth. Now, in your medical experience, have you ever heard of that?

What'd you say? What'd you say? She heard it 30 seconds ago from Brandon. So she has experience in the field. Okay. Well, listen, it gets really, it's about getting that dead gas in your mouth. Also, why do you think leaving a body there will make it somehow

more wet? No, it does. It gets, because it, you know, it breaks down more. It gets real juicy. Oh, you think like it gets more juicy on the outer? No, no, no. It gets juicy on the inner. Yeah. Oh, she's saying like the breakdown of the body is extra fluid yep okay i can see that yeah yeah it's a little like so it's really getting juicy it's the crock pot it's the cemetery

crock pot which is your original drag name cemetery crock pot so it's well that's really getting juicy so it's really getting juicy so what about game what i remember i remember a similar situation called quibi game oh right right also a situation where no one wins hello can i just say this about quibi i pitched a show there once and they didn't play their cards to their chest very well i was like yeah i have this show what do you think and they were like we don't even know if we're gonna be open four months they said it during the pitch meeting is that all right quibi all right miss honesty down at the Quibi. Wow, shit.

Horrible name, by the way. Horrible name. I like Squid Game. It made me think of, I don't know. I mean, I understand that it's Korea in the show, but it's not if you're an American person. I don't know how you could watch that show and not see the parallels in these games where there's inherent privileges and it all comes to play.

Could you imagine getting one of the first numbers in that glass pane game? You just got to go. You just got to go. That's what I'm saying. They were all scared. Mary, it's 50-50. I would have done what that guy did and just run. You just got to go.

Yeah, you just got to go. You just bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. What if you run really fast and then even if it breaks like you're on your you're moving no because you can't you're you can't you're not galloping you're like you're jumping two foot jumps so also to be honest um in my american ignorance i've probably never heard a korean language that long like i've heard kim talk on the phone to like her mom and like that's probably the only korean i've ever heard in my life but um what what a wacky language well it's very different it's very different netflix had the nerve to start it dubbed it's like what are

we doing here dubbed oh no we're not watching dubbed no nobody's watching dubs i don't if anybody's out there watching dubbed you need to get it right don't you watch english television with the subtitles on always i got subtitles on everything but i watch them i gotta know i gotta listen uh no i gotta look i gotta look i get um because i don't also i um i watch french stuff with french subtitles and um and it's uh and often the subtitles are not right. You should write a letter. I have written a letter. That's why you're leaving the pod. You're going to be watching shows

and correcting subtitles in your spare time. Yeah. Clear direction for next level success? In a place that is innovative and practical? A path to stay current and connected to industry? A place where you can be yourself? You will find it at York University School of Continuing Studies, where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue.yorku.ca. This episode is brought to you by RBC Student Banking. POV, you're a student listening to an RBC ad. You're learning you can get up to $330

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I'm going really fast. I just got my license. Can I borrow the car, please, Mom? Kids go from 0 to 18 in no time. You'll be relieved they have 24-7 roadside assistance with Intact Insurance. Mom, can we go to Nana's house tomorrow? Go to Jack's place today. I'll just take the car. Don't wait up, okay? Kids go from 0 to 18 in no time, don't they? At Intact Insurance, we insure your car so you can enjoy the ride. Visit Intact.ca or talk to your broker. Conditions apply.

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You got to get into that. You will love it. Well, on the plane back from London, I was watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills because I hadn't seen the whole season. Yeah, same thing. It's Squid Game. It's just Squid Game, Beverly Hills. But it's fascinating to watch. I know you don't watch it.

But there's this character, Erika Jayne, who has been basically implicated in her pending divorced husband's husband's embezzlement years and years of fraud and embezzlement and stealing yeah and so the fact that any other celebrity in that type of scandal would sort of recede from society until it's resolved no she puts herself in america will someone double down put on that fake hair and like yeah go like have do this show yeah while being like under a microscope i mean she's probably going to be fighting for what 10 cents to hopefully live on after this and she has a whole season of her going on girls trips and wearing designer and it's it's so wild i would go full latchkey boxcar child like burlap dobby the elf right away yeah right away i would show up the short jagged brown haircut yeah paint

paint gray over my white veneers yeah just lay it on heavy yeah you gotta watch midnight mass though so good i'll watch Midnight Mass So good I mean I have a lot going on International travel is usually where I get the most television watching done Yeah So wait anyways There wasn't a raccoon in my bathroom

It was just a shelf that fell Equally dangerous Equally dangerous And I walked into the bathroom But I still thought a raccoon was in there Because I shaved my head and then got too tired so i didn't clean it up it's so gross it's so gross it's still in there and then um and then my my electric toothbrush is now in the pile of hair i got those little scent things with the sticks they're all everywhere

when you die in that apartment which is like i already i can feel it you're gonna you're gonna die in that apartment i'm moving i just don't want to find a way to die in that apartment just got the keys it's gorgeous you know how like a cat will like climb into a closet to die you're gonna come back to the apartment in a couple years when it's time to die and climb in bed with whoever lives there now no i'm gonna go i'm gonna go perch up on the shelf in the bathroom make a break and then die on the floor. I'm going to mung dive you on my own. Top dollar. I'm going to weekend.

You got to wait, though, so it really gets juicy. Yes. If you die, can I do some kind of weekend at Bernie's, puppetry kind of number? That's going to be in the will. Nobody gets a cent unless I get Bernie on stage. Get Bernie. I get mung drip, mung dive it in Bernie.

I need to be, I need to do a number. And so it gets really juicy. And then you get a question. What? Who is hunky Dory? Who is hunky dory who is hunky dory please never let me get so much money that i don't know about phrases like hunky hunky who is hunky dory who would play her

who is and the way she asks it kathy hilton such earnest yeah she's like who is that yeah who is that so funny i've seen that oh god i have to get botox again look at that oh i'm going to get on wednesday i'm sensing movement yeah i'm going to get on wednesday i'm getting my lips done again too oh i got my wait wait wait laser beams like i can tell you about laser beams i got laser hair removal. On what? My back. No, you didn't. I did. I did. They went zap, zap, zap.

Laser beams. Does it hurt? It hurts a little bit. Electrolysis? No, no. A laser. Laser. Electrolysis, I think, is the needle. Are you sure you didn't go to laser tag and just lay there?

Naked. You thought it was a laser hair removal clinic and it was a laser tag. It was paintball. It was just paintball. Yeah. And little kids walked by, cried. I got it and I can't wait to go back. Oh, yeah. Laser beams.

I thought of a horrible joke. Do you want to hear it? Okay. It's about kids. No, no, no, no. I'll tell you later. I'll tell you later. Okay, okay.

I hate kids. I know you do. I was at the airport and there was just this family and the kid was just, you know, there's the places in the airport where you sit and then there's like the ceramic or linoleum or tile middle where people walk. Yeah, yeah. There's a kid just sprawled out, just sprawled out laying. And the family was just letting it happen.

Ugh. That's like that woman. How about I wanted to walk by and act like I didn't see the kid and step right on their little grape head. Oh, was that your son? Oh.

Oh. Oh. Why don't you get a spatula and peel him off the bottom of my size 14 Converse and get the fuck out of here. Ugh. Ugh.

Ugh. Get a sitter or stay home for 18 years like i hate the kids people flying with like a newborn i'm like you're right your six month old does need to see germany eat shit don't go don't go you're gonna start to remember it save the money and give it to them when they can like remember the think they're probably going because they need to go. Then leave the baby. Leave the baby. Put him in the microwave. Put him in the microwave.

Leave one of your breasts at home. Put him in the microwave. Do what we do. Take the breasts off. Just leave them at home. Yeah, totally. Put him in the tub with some blankets and the breasts. Yeah.

Oh, God. I want to look everyone in the face And grab them on the shoulder and go Not everyone feels What you feel for your children To the rest of us It's just this little bitch With sharp little nails who can't get a job

On the floor though Get the baby off the floor Get the kid off the floor Laying on the floor No I'm a big fan of like baby in public Get the baby off the floor. Get the kid off the floor. Laying on the floor. No. Get the baby off the floor. You know what I'm a big fan of, though? I'm a big fan of, like, baby in public.

Just, like, pants off running around. And the parents just like, whatever. Yeah, whatever. Yeah. I was at the Gratitude Cafe downtown, never again. And there was a woman with a baby who was like probably three, four, toddler, whatever. And it was screaming and then it was writhing on the floor

and in the walkway. So like everybody kept trying, almost stepping on the baby or the kid. And I was just like, control your fucking kid, bitch. Control your fucking kid. Get the fuck out of here. And she was like, so it was screaming. And and then just and then the waiter was almost stepped on it was like

i want to kick that baby it's horrible i mean i know that when you when you have the child you're a lot of hormones and stuff kick in and your brain your brain shifts into a place where you you like the kid i understand or postpartum you want to kill it but when i see the children especially traveling with the child i'm like even going to the gas station with a kid is a mess no you're trying to be at the airport yeah airport airport oh my god oh my god i find myself wishing the plane will go down knowing i'm on the same goddamn flight that That's how much I hate the kid. Yeah. But you know what?

Well, it's not even worth it because I'm in first class, so I can't even watch them die. Right. You know what I mean? I'm gone. I don't think any baby should be in first class. Put them in the back. Put them in the back. Also, just chill.

Not to be okay boomer. Put them in the back. Also, just chill. Not to be okay boomer. I understand that I'm 70 and you're somewhere, you know, prehistoric. But like toddlers just have iPads, personal iPads. What? No. Remember being shocked when like a 13-year-old had a cell phone?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No. Give him some wooden blocks. Wooden blocks. Now like you go to one of, like, what is it called? A baby shower? Yeah.

You give the kid one of the – It's like the sharper image. The kid comes out with a Peloton. Yeah. It's crazy. Nose hair trimmer. Oh, Mary, I had one nose hair growing out of the nose the other day. Hair sticking out.

And I didn't have a trimmer, and I'm scared to stick scissors up my nose. So I plucked it. I don't think I've ever plucked a nose hair. Oh, was it connected to my brain came out? Yeah. Was it connected to my brain came out? Oh, it's so painful. The interior, instant tears, instant sneezing. Yep. Yep. Pain that just radiated across the face. Yeah. It's so weird. Sometimes I'll rip them out with my fingers because it's, you know, desperate. I don't, yeah. Desperate times. Desperate times.

And sometimes you don't feel it. Sometimes it's the most horrible pain in the world. Well, you ever notice drag queens because we put so much makeup on? There are drag queens where they get makeup on the hair. And there are a lot of drag queens with those hairs coming out. With foundation on and powder. With foundation on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Might as well put a stone on it. Jesus. Two giant SS40 stones up the nostril. Breathe through the mouth. Black jet stones. Jet AB. Right there. Well, I actually, when I was in beauty school, I was absent the week that they did the thing

where you put the wax up the nose and, you know. Oh, yeah. The sticks. You pull the stick out. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah i don't know if i could ever get the the the gall to pull that stick out of someone's nose with all their hairs what does that feel like it's it's not good who would play her yeah but it's but imagine the imagine the relief of looking at it yeah that was the og mung diving it was a nose wax have you done the ear wax thing no oh okay um when i go ahead i had my in-ears made you know the ears you wear on stage when you're

singing yeah and i have very overactive ear wax in my ears right you just have to get them cleaned as a kid all the time um and then i'm in front of my band and they're fitting my ear and she looks at my ear and she goes we have to clean this and then she's in front of the band cleaning my ears pulling out just just just titanic icebergs of wax chunks and then the band is like wow that's a lot of wax i'm like yeah i know don't worry about it damn don't worry about it don't worry about it i'm prepared to go to this music festival tonight um and i think there's gonna be a lot of drunk people austin city limits the only thing austin city limited tonight is my patience with this fucking heat 90 degree could we do this in december please i can't believe you do you need to see billy eyelash in 90 degree weather do you oh wow she was gonna perform with billy eyelash

no she was here last night okay who's the headliner tonight i think it's me sadly oh my god i don't know who it is who's in the biggest i didn't look at the schedule i also never know any of the bands like so creed we just well um whenever i work with a very famous person like a music person it's great for me because i'm never starstruck because i don't know a single fucking thing they've ever done their lives right right it's great yeah who would play her well should we wrap it up this is the last one for a while let's wrap it up This is the last one for a while

Let's wrap it up There is something I wanted to say I'm eating Soylent now I saw that Yeah I'm not doing Ensure anymore I moved on That's cool

I've My weight is good I'm Climbing the charts On the weight On the scale And I love that you're like a preemie

And that we're just constantly trying to get you to gain weight i was supposed to go to ballet i said no ma'am you're gonna train me with weights i'm not i'm not going to no ballet class you say we're gonna pump iron why you would have loved it it's it's too early i don't want to go to ballet no i i know i don't want to go to ballet i want to to lift weight, heavy weights. Well, guess what, bitch? Ballet, you lift your own body, which is heavy. Yeah. All those gymnasts you like do ballet.

I know. I don't want to do ballet. I want to lift weights. Stop yelling. Did you know that nobody in drag wears a wig, makeup, or breasts anymore? Did you know that everyone's in a flat human hair unit with no makeup on? A flat, wet track. A flat, wet track.

One flat, wet track. One track that is wet and no titties. My new album, One Track Mind, and it's just me with one track glued to my head. Crying. Crying. Crying. Crying.

Crying. I can't wait till this thing I worked on comes out because I need you to watch it and realize that no television show you've ever worked on ever had a dime compared to this. Oh my God. I cannot wait. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. Well, there is a strong possibility that I will be continuing A version of The Bald and the Beautiful

With all guests So if you at home Have any guests That you'd like to see On the pod Please tweet me At TrixieMittal And let me know

Who you'd like And tag the person Yeah And thank you so much For listening to A whole year of pods 52 episodes People don't know this

I don't know if we're allowed To talk about this They contract podcasts By yearly contracts So we signed in To do 52 Yeah we did them 52 episodes. People don't know this. I don't know if we're allowed to talk about this. They contract podcasts by yearly contract. So we signed in to do 52. Yeah, we did. I can't believe we've done this 52 times. I know I can't either.

I know. I don't want to complain. No. Wait, don't. Don't. Don't. Podcasting is a lot harder than you think it is. Let's just say that.

Even when you don't have when you don't have like you know producers and segments and all that stuff it's still a lot of work and but I want to I want to I want to end

we should end on a beauty tip oh yeah this used to be a beauty podcast it used to be a beauty podcast so why don't we throw it back home for a second so we were trying to figure out

a sign off yeah and there was this one we did but we never used it which is shine on and we never used it shine on we never used it shine on honey what's your beauty tip um my beauty tip is simple it's sleep Sleep, bitch. Hours and hours of high quality, uninterrupted slumber. There is nothing in your life, both on the outside and the inside,

that cannot be drastically improved by a good night's sleep. If you think you're going to be a fly hot, sexy and beautiful and not sleep, let me tell you, you have another thing coming. Because it's not going to work out for you, baby. There's no amount of foundation that's going to cover up that gray, scaly, craggy, bloodshot, fucking sallow

mess if you do not sleep. So get in the bed now. To piggyback on that, something even easier and more accessible, vampire facials. They're only about $1,000 each. You do have to schedule them weeks in advance. It does take about four or five days to heal, but they're very easy to find, easy to schedule,

accessible to everyone. Yeah. Everybody can... affordable. Yeah. Yeah. And if you can't get a vampire facial done... How about some water? Cut yourself open and rub your face in it.

I mean, that's something. Yeah. Hmong diving. do some mung diving yeah okay thank you all so much for listening bye Bye.