The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Bobby and the Ice Queens with Trixie and Katya

Starting point is 00:00:05 My neuroimmunologist that I see, that's very expensive. Yes. Specializes my arthritis. I said, well, my rheumatologist has me on this medicine because she read that it helps with inflammation. And, you know, it's kind of new, but I guess they're just discovering it. He goes, yeah, she read my book. I'm the one who discovered it. Fierce.

Starting point is 00:00:22 I was like, oh, I don't mean to seem dumb. Oh, that was my book, bitch. But I was like, my rheumatologist, she's very well read. He was like, yeah, she read my book. I wrote that. I studied that. I discovered that. Blupe.

Starting point is 00:00:32 Blupe. I was like, okay, guys, I'm talking to the right person. Okay. I just tell you one thing that happened. Please tell me, tell me loud. Last week we said we had a cliffhanger about Malin Ackerman. We did. And we do. And we do.

Starting point is 00:00:45 Let's jump off the clip. Edging. A couple of weeks ago, I went to pick up my boyfriend and one of my friends because they were having a little Monday happy hour. And I said, well, I'll come get you. Yeah. I'll come see out. Come slog my fate. Right?

Starting point is 00:00:59 Yeah. So I go pick them up in the car. I drive. Big deal. And then I was like, you know what? I'm feeling wild. Guess where I parked my car in the middle of the road. Vaseline fucking alley.

Starting point is 00:01:07 We'll tell people what that is because non-California and L.A. People have no idea. Okay. Well, it's the alley behind the big Vaseline production company. No. No. It's Slickdown. There's no cars.

Starting point is 00:01:19 It's just roller skates. It's big guys who are shaved hairless sliding on slick. No, it's a parking lot. A alley parking lot area. So it's a block. It's a part of a neighborhood. Behind Santa Monica Boulevard. Where our friends used to live.

Starting point is 00:01:34 Yes. So I parked my car back there because it's nighttime and there's no parking. So I go great. And I forgot about Vaseline Alley. So I get out of that car like NYC just got in this morning thinking the world is beautiful and bright. And I look over and there's a guy with the car like this. And there's a guy. They do this thing where if you're the jacker offer, the other guy stands about this far away and is the lookout but is also watching the jerking off. So it's kind of like this. Hall Proctor. Yes. And it's very like in the the newborn area where they have the glass with all the moms looking. The ICU. Yes. The ICU. No, where they have the new babies. Yeah. The NICU. Where the parents in movies, if there's a sick baby, are like, oh.

Starting point is 00:02:16 And so you have like Joe Schmoe, the closeted guy and like sunglasses watching the baby. The freak off. He's he's peeping, but he's also protecting. Yes. So I grab and I see that going on and I go, you know what? Festivals are coming up. Let me bring my DJ computer into the bar. Last thing I need is for my entire DJ computer to get snatched up.

Starting point is 00:02:35 Oh, yes. Because, you know, people are looking. People may be on applying drugs to these sexual scenarios, having impaired judgment. What? You know. Drugs and sex combining? Yeah. Which is the corner of Kill Street and Murder.

Starting point is 00:02:48 It's true. West Hollywood. Okay. So I go in, I, they're like half in the bag and I go, okay, Monday. Okay, work on a Monday. You know what? Caution in the wind. Good for you.

Starting point is 00:02:57 Right. So I sit down for trivia, and I haven't been a trivia in so long. I think my third date with David Silver, we went to trivia. And the first category, it was in a first third date where you barely know each other. And you're like, I hope I know stuff. I'm so dumb. Right. So, that way, you're setting it up so that if you know anything, you feel smart.

Starting point is 00:03:14 Rather than be like, I'm about to tear this shit up. Don't forget, you went to state school for fine arts. You're an idiot. Thank you. You know? So the first category was name one winner from each season of drag race. And I said, watch this. Bam.

Starting point is 00:03:26 The second one was Hollywood movie directors of the 19th century. David Silver's like, Blam. David was like, bam. Then knew nothing else. So I got all confident and horny and then lost. And then they fucking tore you down. Yes. So this time I sat down and tell me why.

Starting point is 00:03:42 Today of all days, I forgot. It's Barbie's birthday. Oh. I sit down. The trivia is so overwhelmingly about Barbie. That you're like, I am going to tell you. I. Nipples wired, breaked out.

Starting point is 00:03:59 Like, you know why smart people are so fucking insufferable? Because they know everything. Because they're so high. And their own supply. Which is knowledge. I knew every fucking question. Of course you did. I was,

Starting point is 00:04:13 I knew every fucking question. I bet you even rephrase the questions that were inappropriately like formed. I was going up to the host being like, that actually was wrong. I don't know where you're getting your intel, but it's faulty. That Barbie actually didn't come. The number three model didn't come until 1961. So you need to do some more research. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:04:30 Maybe you want to go home and I'll take your job. I was almost walking table to table, look at other people's nails, you're being like, you think? Dumb, ugly, stupid, all three. When you're in high school and you do your test and you have a wrong answer, and the teacher's like, I would go take a little more time on number six. Like, I was so insufferable. Damn.

Starting point is 00:04:46 I was like, who's number do you need? Animal Daniels, age 11, wanted to be a synchronized swimmer, spent every moment she could in the PG&E pools. Yeah, zero. Direct me by age nine. Zero, the number of times I've had sex. Right. You want their disease.

Starting point is 00:05:01 That's all you got, lady. Two wrong feet. Ugly fucking shoes. So I get first place at the trivia. And of course my friends don't know anything. They're half drunk. I have a champion the whole thing. You just chugging water from Hinkley.

Starting point is 00:05:13 Yes. So on then I'm having too much Pinocrigio. And they're like, well, now we're going out because we're celebrating. Now we're going out? It's 11th. Now we're warning. Now a warning. So we go down to Smitties, which used to be gym bar.

Starting point is 00:05:26 The old gym bar in West Hollywood is now coming called Smitties. I don't love that. Shitties. Shitties. Shitties. No one's in there but us. And we're celebrating our trivia win. We won like a $50 bar tab that you have to use the next time you come.

Starting point is 00:05:37 Wait, you get a 50. Oh. That you can't even use that day. I thought you meant like they charge you $50 the next time you come. Yeah. Like $50 is already on your tab. Oh, you think you're smart bitch? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:05:48 And now. You always 50 bucks. Yeah, we got you a hand job in Vaseline Alley. So why don't you go open up the back of your car? Well, wait, wait. So congratulations, by the way, on the trip. Huge of truth. Huge of truth.

Starting point is 00:05:56 Now, let me let me know a little bit about Vaseline Alley because I am. Like I know. Ask Nick. Were you just there or not? Are you a liar? I parked the car. Okay. Do you know where we parked the car?

Starting point is 00:06:14 I'm over at Aqua 4 Alley because I have a sponsorship. Oh my God. I'm an Abilene Alley because I need to take my makeup off. What about when they sell that abilene at the sex stores because people use as loop. Honey, who do you think you're talking to, Miss Jerkoff, 1998 through 2016? I almost said Missed off 1998. Undefeated. First, not first run around.

Starting point is 00:06:33 No, I swept every category. Oh my God, what about Valor when she goes? Did you see my sponsored post with Nivia? And he goes, oh, did it? Was that sponsored? She goes, no, but I'm letting them know my open to sponsorships. It's so, it's, I, I, is kind of real. Like, the only reason I get all these sponsored videos on my YouTube channel.

Starting point is 00:06:51 Begging online. Is you're begging online. It's because I be talking about makeup products. Begant online. Not begging, but like, you're dropping hints. I'd be talking about products I like. Yeah. So if a product I like, House Labs,

Starting point is 00:07:02 being like, we know you love our products. Do you want to talk about it? I'm like, absolutely. Because your assistant is writing 25 emails a day begging them to give you a sponsorship. Like Brandon can write an email. Thank you. Are you kidding? He's on his typewriter. He's sending my assistant, Goody Proctor. Yeah. I know. Listen, Brandon uses Gmail. Caligraphy actually gets the, that's the touch that cinches the deal. He won't even download the Gmail app. He uses it in Safari. Love that. He's in charge of my whole business. Love that. Safari. Safari. Who is she? Who is she? Open her in Chrome, please. I don't know what

Starting point is 00:07:32 that's all about. So what happened at the Emmys? We're backstage. Malin Ackerman. Okay. I go, I go, oh my God. You don't know me.

Starting point is 00:07:41 But I know me. Like, I really feel like for Mayo. I'm like Liz Perz de caps me. I'm crazy. I know you. I go, you're in three of my favorite pieces of media. Watchmen.

Starting point is 00:07:52 Watchmen and watchmen. Yeah. And. Hunting wise. Oh. And she said, oh yeah. I love the comeback because she said, when people tell me they love the comeback,

Starting point is 00:08:01 I automatically. know they're cool. And I said that. And I said, I'm on the new season of the comeback. And she goes, she was like, I know it's starting up again. It was so early. She was like, I know it's starting up again. I, like, they didn't ask me. No. I don't know if I, I don't know if she's in the trailer. So, I don't know if I can confirm that she's in it. Okay, she's in the trailer. She said, I know maybe as much as you do. She said, I don't even start yet until like next week. Oh, wow. So it was, I had just filmed like the day before. So you guys are really bonded. No, we didn't really bond. But I just love her and she's so beautiful. She was there with Britney Snow presenting for hunting wives

Starting point is 00:08:34 In the wig category No, they weren't No, Kelly Mantle and I Kelly Mantle presented for wigs Which I found hysterical At the Academy Awards? At the Emmys Oh, at the Emmys

Starting point is 00:08:44 She presented Oh, the dingbat ones The ones that didn't have in air She presented the award for sci-fi Fantasy hair design Wow That's fierce because she was on She could do sci-fi fantasy face

Starting point is 00:08:57 Yeah, well that way Come on let's not a golden eye Or whatever the fuck Before you get completely assassin Oh, that wasn't golden eye. That was Hot Rod or Blackbird or, what's it called? Eagle's Eagle Heart. Yes.

Starting point is 00:09:10 Oh, my God. Did you see, I was watching Jill Kim Booster talk about how they're considering Jacob Allorty for the new. The new what? The new 007. And he was like, you can't be six, six and be covert. Thank you. T. Very true.

Starting point is 00:09:24 T. They need ginger minge. No, ginger minge. Super small. Never tells the truth. You can't catch her. You can't catch her. She's elusive.

Starting point is 00:09:34 She's covered in Vaseline. Thank you. Every time I try to hug. She slips out of my hands. Thank you. I hate it. You cannot catch her. She lost all the weight too.

Starting point is 00:09:44 She's leaving you in the dust. She's always wet, wet, small, and lion. It's like, Tina. I can't even have a conversation with Feet anymore. Fina just walks in and flexes her arms and leaves. She doesn't even talk to me. That's what she did the other day.

Starting point is 00:09:53 She didn't even talk to me. No, she's like, get out of here. Just feel my bicep and get and punch it. She looks great. She looks great. She looks great. I don't want to shout her out. I don't want to tell her story.

Starting point is 00:10:02 Well, then why are you doing it? Her commitment to personal betterment. Develop. Transformation. She do therapy. She go to the gym every day. She has a tight bedtime. She gets up early.

Starting point is 00:10:15 She does that thing where she wraps her body in cellophane, like in fried green tomatoes to please her husband. Yeah. She's awesome. She's great. I believe she is what you call the definition for me of a ride or die. I tell everybody you're my ride and die. I'm your brighter dyke. Bright or die.

Starting point is 00:10:33 If I don't get married to you, I'm going to turn it into a lesbian. Somebody recently told me, they said, how come you guys don't say dyke anymore? I said, we can't. So to those of you who liked it when we said that, we can't anymore. But if we say lesbian, just in your mind, drop it in. Listen, I am not a woman of, of, of, of, of, experience. Not a monolith. Not everyone feels the same way about that word.

Starting point is 00:10:54 Oh, hello, exactly. Same thing with a lot of different words, like beautiful, gorgeous, lovely. but we've got a person who I believe identifies as a dyke and it's not that it's not like I have black friends you know whatever I am because you don't no I don't but I have enemies thank you the NWACP

Starting point is 00:11:12 always out to get me no no no no no no no no Bob and I have sex every week but like you put the AA and NAACP NAA too NAAAAAA AAA that's fierce Okay, no, what was the point in that story? Oh, we were talking about, Bina. No, people aren't a monolith.

Starting point is 00:11:36 Some people, some people have approached me. Right, right, right. It was at the airport and somebody said, how could you guys never shout out the, say, shout out the dikes anymore, say dykes only. And I said, well, we got really, I was made aware that not everybody feels the same way, but that word.

Starting point is 00:11:50 So I haven't said that in a long time. Well, I was shocked. So, you know, have we talked about our, did we touch on the Jillian Michaels thing or the way... We touched on it last episode a little bit. Can I just touch on this very quickly? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:12:04 Okay, so I was shocked as a viewer when she was... So the change or the evolution of like what is considered to be an offensive or slur. That's always changing, right? And it depends on which group you're talking to. Like certain things other... People were completely uncomfortable with the O word, which was obese or overweight

Starting point is 00:12:23 because they were like, well, what weight? And Gillian Michaels was shocked and appalled to hear that they prefer it. fat or fat bodied. Yeah. Which that was news to me too, because I'm not sure. But again, that's not everyone. Of course.

Starting point is 00:12:35 Of course. Because I've had, again, it's going to sound like I have black friends. But like I have had many fat friends who called themselves, if they were to describe their body shape, they'd be like, I'm fat. Right. Like, excuse me, I'm fat. Yes. I have, I think of the same friend.

Starting point is 00:12:51 I mean, I had, like, all. She was the one who told me like, yeah, just because she's like, I prefer fat. Yeah. It's like I don't want to, I've had a, let's see, like, one, two, five, um, very, um, very, very, very close friends from high school up into college who are so funny. I mean, these are like cherished best friends kind of like see them every day, talk them every day. And they,

Starting point is 00:13:08 smart people who are like, they don't want a euphemism. They don't want to, they don't want to be tiptoed around. It's like, I'm fat, so you can call me, whatever.

Starting point is 00:13:16 And I know, no, but not everybody feels that way. And of course they're not going to. When I was doing Trixie Motel, because I was an executive producer, I had to take from the network extra training modules because technically you're in charge on set,

Starting point is 00:13:27 crazy that I was in charge of anything. That is. But we had to take extra training models. One of the things I learned is it's going to blow your mind. Let's say I'm gay. I am gay. And let's say we're on set together. And I say, oh, I love this fag.

Starting point is 00:13:40 If a, let's say a heterosexual man is working behind the camera, he could file harassment. Because we, even though we are gay, we can't speak for how everyone in the room feels about that word in a professional setting. I had never thought about that. I haven't either. And I continue to won't. I've never thought about that. I had a similar experience when I was on a pride shoot once. That's great.

Starting point is 00:14:02 That's interesting. And the sound guy was trans. And I mean, I don't know. Sound guy was trans and I just so used to in dry calling everyone girl. Oh, and he was like, hey,

Starting point is 00:14:12 I don't prefer a girl. Like, yeah. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm so used to it. And then later in the day, I accidentally said girl again.

Starting point is 00:14:18 And I apologized. I just was so used to, I mean, I call my straight band members girl. Yeah. So I just, you know. He hit you?

Starting point is 00:14:24 I consider myself end stage woke. And it's, very possible to call someone the wrong thing. Mary, you are nothing of the sort. You are so asleep. I'm sorry. I just with Gatorade every day. I'm not woke because I never go to sleep.

Starting point is 00:14:39 I think you should go on the road with that. Tracy, what do you feel most comfortable with? Fat dyke. Are you sure? Elisbian is a slur. That's for her would be obese lesbian. How very dare you? Can I just share when we were on the road in Kansas City,

Starting point is 00:14:55 me and Miss Thing over here were getting coffee? And there was a break in the conversation. Everyone's looking at their phones. And then she turns to me and goes, oh, do you know? Oh, no, you're a dyke. Never mind. And then walks away. I was, I was the thing that a lesbian wouldn't know.

Starting point is 00:15:12 I don't know. Hassan Piker. Husson Piker, yeah. Who's that? Thank you. It's because you're dike. Probably a lot closer, right? He's a very, he's a very, well, he's a Twitch streamer, very active on Twitch.

Starting point is 00:15:24 Oh, okay. Mary, I don't want to thirst over him. be the 4,000 obnoxious person thirst over him online, but yeah. I think thirst is different than, listen, it's a blessing to have five senses, including sight. It's a blessing to be able to notice something beautiful and say, that's just beautiful.

Starting point is 00:15:39 Yeah, I just don't want to add to the annoying din of people online, like thirsting over him. I don't know. I just want to be unique. I understand. Yeah, but I would suck the shit out of his asshole. Boom. Let's take a break.

Starting point is 00:16:00 Today's episode of Ball and the Beautiful is brought to you by H-I-M-S. H-I-M-S. H-I-M-S. If something's been off in the bedroom, you're not the only one. You guys, a few years ago, I was going through a very transitional period and I was experiencing for the very first time of my life a form of E-D. I couldn't believe it. It had never happened to me. I was 33. I was like, oh, my God, this is, I have no personal experience and I'm too scared to talk about it. And so instead of blaming stress and sleep or getting older, if the bedroom performance for you is in question, it's probably crossed your mind to do something about it. The good news is you do not have to jump through hoops to fix it. I got my help for this

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Starting point is 00:17:17 free online visit. Hems.com slash bald. Prescription required. See website for details and important safety information. Sildenafil is the generic version of Viagra. Viagra is a registered trademark of Beatrice Specialty LLC. Hymns is not affiliated. with or endorsed by Vietris. This episode is in partnership with Airbnb. I just got back from Vancouver, which is one of those beautiful Canadian cities that makes you feel like you wandered into a luxury skincare commercial.

Starting point is 00:17:45 Everywhere I looked at there was pure natural beauty. Water, mountains, little boats, chic people in expensive knitwear, pretending not to be freezing. For a few glorious days, I stayed in a gorgeous home on Airbnb, complete with a view to die for, a massive chef's kitchen,

Starting point is 00:18:00 and gleaming bathrooms that I wanted to live in, time. After a restful night of sleep in this perfectly located home, I dare say I became the kind of person who goes on scenic walks for pleasure. But while I was off in Vancouver, my place back home was just sitting there empty and dark like an abandoned shopping mall. And that got me thinking about hosting on Airbnb. While I'm away having a glamorous little reset and pretending I'm outdoorsy because I stood near a tree for 15 minutes, I could be hosting my home on Airbnb and earning a little extra to help with my summer travel plans. There's something very comforting about knowing your house is not just sitting there empty while you're off testing out a different personality in another city.

Starting point is 00:18:36 I love the idea of hosting on Airbnb because it can help you put your space to work while you start plotting your next escape. Maybe that extra income helps pay for a future trip, or maybe it goes toward fixing my guestroom toilet that might be haunted. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca.ca. host. We've never talked about not saying Dyke, and I think I liked how we just talked about it, which is like, yeah. If anybody's ever wondered because people I've asked. I mean, you know, it's, it's interesting when you say like that, I, I, now I like, I'm, like, thinking back to like my on, uh, or in between, whatever.

Starting point is 00:19:10 I, yeah, I've said so many inappropriate things that I shouldn't have said and I haven't been taken to jail or, but I also know that I'm not sensitive enough because somebody who's, you are not. Because somebody who's even vaguely queer, they come up to me and say, I love you fag. I'm like, I'm fine with that. I know. I know. I know.

Starting point is 00:19:25 I mean, I'll never forget, Andrew and I walking around 8,000 sunset and so in this guy in a pickup truck screaming. faggots outside to us and we just were like, huh, we're like, and? What kind? Like fierce? Or like, you know, it's like, you think you're stirring us. Like if AOC was like, I just love you faggots. I would be like, I know you do, bitch.

Starting point is 00:19:44 Bernie Zander. Bernie did that. I'd be like fierce. Bernie, Bernie. And the end being like, faggots. Baggots, you're great. Buggots. Love that.

Starting point is 00:19:52 Or even R. RFC. I used to do a lot of meth with the faggots. Oh my God. I was a bit of an ice queen. I was a bit of an ice queen. I was a bit of my dad. RF Kana Pride-Fullet saying I was a bit of an ice queen for a while.

Starting point is 00:20:12 Ice queen on Vaseline Alley. God, damn it. Pam Bondi. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So, you know, we're in, we're, we're filming on a Friday. And normally it's a hustle and bustle in here.

Starting point is 00:20:25 There's no one in here. It's kind of nice. Okay, something crazy happened last night. I got home and I was feeling really good. And normally if I get home from filming and it's about sunset, I'll want to go for a walk. Just to like end the day with a nice walk. Oh. Because I'm in this weird place with my arthritis.

Starting point is 00:20:40 I was like, what the fuck you should talk about? No. Yeah. I'm in this weird place with my arthritis where a little bit of activity helps too much inflames it. Yeah, yeah. So a little bit of movement often is really good. So I've been a lot more into low impact, which sucks because I basically had to give up on running. But I can't write anymore.

Starting point is 00:20:56 Now you can enjoy a stroll. Now I'm into stretching, restorative stretching and strolling. Stretching and strolling and streaming. Yes. And I love my little bands, my rubber bands, all that. I can't afford those. I just have a scrunchy. Do you do the rubber band guns and shoot by people?

Starting point is 00:21:11 Oh, yeah, for sure. I'd taken out. Basically, I was like, let's go for a walk, which for me means, I guess let's walk towards these Hollywood and stuff at high tops and all. And just have 14 margaritas. Not even. My arthritis, I'm so sick lately with my arthritis medicine. I had two tequila sodas and some nachos.

Starting point is 00:21:30 Went home, threw up. Love it. Well, I'm trying to pivot to just drinking smoothies of calories, because I'm like, if I'm not hungry, I got to eat. It's not good to not eat. No, no, no, no. And if you can't rely on your body to tell you when you're hungry, you got to like, you got to basically, like your medicine.

Starting point is 00:21:42 You got to be like, we got to eat. It's soiling. Yeah. It's horrible. Oh, I shake it into that a little bit. No, I'm telling you after it's a godsend, only like after a show. Like, you know this, three o'clock in the morning or whatever. Like, after those club gigs, there's nothing open.

Starting point is 00:21:56 And you don't want to eat trash. Well, you can't. There's nothing open. Yeah. You know what I mean? or like you've gotten food and it's ice cold and you're like, I don't want to, you know, do your soilants, 800 calories? Go right to bed.

Starting point is 00:22:06 Yeah. Great for the body. Great for the body. Great for the body. Great. Hot creamy male straight to bed. Yeah. So I go to, I stop in a high tops and I go, oh, I hope it's not busy.

Starting point is 00:22:18 Because I love the gay bars, but I hate when there's people in there. Yeah. You should try going to like, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, to Africa. So I don't like you were going to say go to Africa. I was going to say Afro-Caribbean nights at like a honky-tong bar or something. I would love that. What a vinyl bar? Something no one likes.

Starting point is 00:22:37 Oh, which? What place that plays vinyl. Something no one likes. There you go. I, Oh, I, okay. You should go to Griffith Bar. Ooh.

Starting point is 00:22:45 So I walk in and I was like, God, there's so many people that what the fuck is going on here, right? Even the security guard, which never happens to me on high tops, looks at me and goes, you're good. Didn't look at my ID, which is like, fuck you, oldie. I was like, okay, got it. Because normally at every bar, they just card. you. Oh, I see what you mean. You look so old. There's no possible way you could be anything under than 50. We can get you a booth, grandpa.

Starting point is 00:23:04 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I walk in a house. What the fuck is going on in here? Yeah. And what is it? What's going on in there? Something called March Madness. Mary, you don't know what fucking March Madness is? I've heard of it. Okay. But I just want to say people watching college basketball with any

Starting point is 00:23:22 people experiencing madness surrounding college basketball. I think of it like the people with Reborn dolls. I'm like, it doesn't hurt anybody, but it's weird. No, no, no, I'm going to disagree with you. I'm going to, I'm not going to, I'm not going to, I'm not going to, I'm not going to disagree with you. I know, it's, I know how it's, I know how it's a sports bar. Yeah. But it's still a gay bar. Get the faggot off the TV. I'm not watching. I'm not watching. No, you got to put on some Martina Travon, Travon, can we put on some Venus and Serena. Like, there's sports that can we put on some Johnny Weir. That's not security. No, I mean, you got to realize that sports are, we're the outliers here. We're the outliers here. Do you know what I mean? Like most people love sports And many gay folks love sports

Starting point is 00:24:03 Lesbians, dykes They tend to love sports There was a lesbian turnout This girl came in Well I don't know their gender expression This person came in Yeah Very

Starting point is 00:24:13 Flagging Flagging Flagging Sapphic Okay gotcha Flagging Sapphic Really flagging strap-on Like that level Okay she had a huge packer in

Starting point is 00:24:23 Yeah Yeah Huge packer With the strap on over it The March Madness is playing They walk in with a huge fucking pit bull on a leash with a with a with like

Starting point is 00:24:33 Hannibal Lecter mask on the pit bull. Oh thank God in the bar at the gay bar and the fags gather around lay on the ground in the gay bar and start petting the dog. I was like this is the gayness I came for not the sports right right right right right get it off the TV now I came for the giant dogs and the gay people laying on the ground rubbing the belly that's why I'm here you're Miss Cat Cafe that's what you are

Starting point is 00:24:54 and I know I don't see many pit bulls um I I don't know any people with big dogs. And it was giant and massive and very cute. Scary. Scary. Terrifying. The terrifier. I try not to be...

Starting point is 00:25:09 I don't know. I try to be open-minded to the idea that the stigma around pit bulls could be unfair. Oh, oh. So I try to be open to like... Well, yeah. I mean, you never know. But I try not to be like, oh, Pitbull, aren't those dangerous? Based on what?

Starting point is 00:25:24 Colloquialism? I don't know. I haven't done the research. Okay. I've had the experience. walking to the bar being like, that's a crazy dog. No, but I mean, I've just had to experience. Well, yeah, sometimes they get to be cute.

Starting point is 00:25:32 The Hannibal Lecter mask on the dog kind of made it scary. Yes, because it, it, it, well, right. Because it's like, because I don't think it was for fashion. No, I think it was because of prevent it from ripping your face on. One of these twink's legs. Mama, their face? Latched on. Like the chimp.

Starting point is 00:25:48 Gone. Face. Brother, what's it, mom, dad, brother, sister, gone. But what I like about going to bars, gay bars, where there might be more. women, you get the animals, which are kind of the star of the show. So you want animals in the bar? In California, these bars that are indoor, outdoor, what's the difference? Oh, I suppose. I don't mind the animals in the bar. What about pet dandah? I wonder if the animals like it. It's loud, it's crazy. I don't know. I mean, I think it's animal dependent. I've known most dogs to be quite

Starting point is 00:26:18 antisocial, but other dogs are very social. But listen to me, run in my mouth, like, you're going to bring a parrot to a club any minute now. My Hans McCaw has hatched. It's going to be picked up in Florida. My bird was hatched as being carried from Florida in an RV to California where I will be able to visit it for weeks and hand feed it. Do you have to breastfeed it or whatever? Do you have to do breast pumps? Yeah, I have my breastplate. Your wind chime and your breastplate. Yep. Yep. I think you should do that as a YouTube series. Did you ever love me back to life? I know you never watched, I know you never watched Real House's of Beverly Hills, but there was an episode where so many breastfed a parrot.

Starting point is 00:26:57 No. That was the witch. It wasn't a parrot either. It was a goat. Yeah. No, it was a, it was a raven. Same difference. There's a crow that lands in my fountain in my front yard, huge and black.

Starting point is 00:27:10 It's the size of a fucking collie. They're crazy. They're crazy. It lands in my fountain. They know. It drops peanuts in. It gets peanuts from God knows where. Drops them in the fountain, lets them soak, and comes back later and eats them wet.

Starting point is 00:27:22 And it stares at me the whole time. And I know that I've read that crows are very smart. So I've been leaving seeds on the step being like, love you, love you, you're cool. That's smart because they hold a grudge for life. But sometimes it shows up with the bones and feathers of another bird and it like eats a hummingbird in my bird. And I kind of am like, damn girl, you're going to sit here where all these other birds, because we have a lot of trees in my yard. You do. All these other birds are watching while you eat a smaller bird and just stare at them.

Starting point is 00:27:52 Like, what do you think that crow is doing? She's showing everybody who the boss is and she's showing you. that she knows you, she recognizes you, and that you cross her. It's a rap. Well, I was reading this because I've been doing what I feel like is a collegiate course. I already know too much about parrots. But I've been doing a lot of research on macaw species specifically so I can learn so much. And it's, listen, I don't want to be corny.

Starting point is 00:28:17 Knowledge is not corny. Learning about animals. Gross economy. It hurts nobody. You know what I mean? It's lovely. Animals are amazing. Don't you ever presume that any kind of knowledge it's quorny.

Starting point is 00:28:27 ever again, you bitch. Right. You bitch. I'm sorry. I apologize. Thank you. But, uh, I forgot what I was going to say. Macaws.

Starting point is 00:28:35 Parrots. The crow. Crow. Facial recognition, okay? It's like when you steal $5 a day from Target, they, uh, it accrues because they get your face. Once it goes into like over a certain amount, grand larceny, they nab you. That's the crow.

Starting point is 00:28:49 Oh, I follow so many subreddits about birds. Oh. Conyers. All cons. Yeah, yeah. So one, one thread I read was, what's, the strangest behavior that your bird exhibits. And of course, birds are so smart. Many of the species are estimated to be like three or four year olds. I read this book called Alex and Me by Irene Peppercorn,

Starting point is 00:29:09 who is the woman who found out. She's the one who proved that not only can birds, up till her, she's a scientist. People believe birds can only mimic. She is the person who prove that they don't copy us. They also, some species, learn the meaning and the syntax. These birds learn thousands of words and apply them in strings like sentences. Amazing. Amazing. It's crazy. Right?

Starting point is 00:29:32 I mean, the dogs do it too. Oh, yeah, blah, blah, blah. You know, but whatever. Dogs. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:29:37 I, so I downloaded a bird app the other day. Okay. Because, you know. Twitter? Shut. Ah. It's X now.

Starting point is 00:29:45 Oh, right, right. Right. I downloaded X2. I started jerking off. No. The I, because, okay, so I don't, you've never been in my condo.

Starting point is 00:29:53 You never will. Because it's horrible. I hate it. It sucks. I can't wait to get out of it. there. And when you, the, I know I've talked about this ad nauseum, but when my brother and his wife and my lovely nephew stayed, they were able to witness firsthand soberly and sound-mindedly the, the noise problem. That you open any window and it's like Armageddon. It's like T3, Terminator

Starting point is 00:30:17 3. It's like, it's like the end of the world. It's crazy. So we have a mockingbird or what I thought to be a mocking bird. I was like, what is going on with this fucking bird out there? I download the bird app, which is something called, you probably have it, I'm sure. It's called Merlin Bird ID. Interesting. So you, it's like Shazam for Birds. And it's Kunti.

Starting point is 00:30:39 I just came. Yeah, I know. Change your panties because I'm about to blow your mind again. Cornell Lab, I think it's, so. You submit a photo and it identifies it or no? No, you record it. Record the song and it gives you a, so let's see, what did I not know? I wonder if I could have a history. It was

Starting point is 00:30:56 How South Angeles has a lot of cool birds We have wild parrot species That are invasive I don't doubt it I don't doubt it I don't know East Hollywood has those green parrots

Starting point is 00:31:06 Silver Lake Let's go So anyways I don't know what the Hold on Hold on I don't think it has I'm sure it has a history

Starting point is 00:31:14 Whatever But it was a mocking bird It was a specific type of mocking bird And it was They could imitate car alarms House alarms Like other birds obviously It was like crazy

Starting point is 00:31:25 because I was like, what the fuck is this noise? I was like, is it a bird or some kind of weird app or something? It wasn't like tweet, tweet. It was like, fag. Yeah, yeah. It was like, the Fagies are hurting. Right. Brick.

Starting point is 00:31:39 Terror. Remember your old one? Hoot. Oh, the cartoon of an owl. I was like, that is a man up there. That's a man. Hoot. Too good.

Starting point is 00:31:49 Hoot. So I was reading the weirdest thing people's birds had done. Some of them were weird but kind of funny. Like, oh, my bird likes to break its pellets in half, put one in the water, eat the crunchy one, and come back later for the wet one. A lot of birds like to use the water to change the texture of the food. Very interesting. That's like me.

Starting point is 00:32:06 Don't we all? Yeah. Right? You like to shave straight guys' asses before you look them. Thank you. And then get robbed. Right. So one of the craziest ones is, they said, I don't know where my bird got this

Starting point is 00:32:18 because none of us watch wrestling. I said, I'm reading. I'm continuing. Okay. He said, Let's get ready to rumble. No, they said our bird is obsessed. They said our bird is obsessed.

Starting point is 00:32:29 Wait, let me just read it. Read it, read it, read it. It's hunted. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But they recited the full Gettysburg address. No.

Starting point is 00:32:39 Okay, this is great. What's the weirdest most baffling thing your bird has done? This one says, somehow my green sheet, Conyer is obsessed with macho man Randy Savage. That's incredible. I don't know how it happened. We're not a 90s wrestling household by any means. But at this point,

Starting point is 00:32:53 We can ask her if she wants macho man Randy Savage, and yes, you have to say the whole thing. And she loses her mind until we play clips on YouTube. That is so fucked up. That is so fierce. Macho man. I mean, listen, I remember macho man Randy Savage. I do too. There is some appeal.

Starting point is 00:33:09 It's kind of drag. And it's also kind of drag. You know, in retrospect, and I think, correct me if I'm wrong, they, I remember when it was WWF, not WWE. Wasn't there also a WCW? I remember when Sting was. It's yellow and blue. Remember Sting is all black and white, but it used to be like yellow and blue. Is that wrong?

Starting point is 00:33:28 Who? Who? Who got that person? I mean, I'm thinking... Who they got? They got Goldberg? Oh, see, I don't know. I was like...

Starting point is 00:33:33 Papa Shango? I was way back. Like, Hulk Hogan, Mary. My brother liked wrestling, and we had it for Sega. Me too. We did it for Sega. So we would watch... My brother and his friends would nut over the pay-per-view, like, whatever you call them specials,

Starting point is 00:33:46 we have to pay per view them. And, like, it was WWF, not WWE. And it was at a time when it wasn't... that it was entertainment, we thought it was real. Oh, same. When I was a kid, I was like, wow, how are they doing this? How are they doing this? This is crazy. And it was so very soap operatic. But now I believe it's a lot gayer. They lean into the gayness.

Starting point is 00:34:05 They lean into the homoeroticism big time. And what I can appreciate about wrestling and what I understand peripherally, people in the comments, you better know. Yeah. There is a, it's a lot like drag where there's strong local following, strong regional following. Yes. And it's a lot like drag where their characters are like, they have an accent. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:34:22 And they have a whole backstory. Yes, yes. And the rivalries and all that stuff. And a lot of the guys are. Mary, you think I've jerked it to The Undertaker? Is it the Undertaker? Who is it? Tempest azure.

Starting point is 00:34:35 Is that what you meant? No, it's James Mansfield, I know, loves wrestling. I know so little about it. But whenever I'm scrolling and I get a wrestler, I always watch it. I think it's cool. There was a great, there was a family. I think they were Latin. I think maybe Puerto Rico or Mexican.

Starting point is 00:34:48 I'm not sure. But Bad Bunny gets starred in one of these episodes. of the matches and I just lost it because bad bonnie I would just I don't know he's just got that thing

Starting point is 00:34:59 I would just do anything he asked me to I saw this jiff of him that made me so horny it's him like this and then he goes and just smiles like that

Starting point is 00:35:08 and I was like he needs to be in more movies I feel like his on screen charisma is just off the charts and you know that dick is a hammer yeah you know

Starting point is 00:35:16 it's the big ears it's it's you know that dick is a hammer it could be a peanut and I would still rock my world. A peanut. A thumbtack. A non-parail. Let's take a break. April is a dangerous time for me, because the second the weather gets even a little flirtatious, I start behaving like a woman of a certain age who has simply had enough. Suddenly, I need a spring trip. A trip where I need

Starting point is 00:35:48 soft pants, dark sunglasses, and a destination where I can walk around at golden hour pretending I have secrets. That is the power of April. It thaws the pavement, reawakens my allergies, and fills me with the completely irrational confidence of someone who thinks a weekend away will fix everything. So this spring, I'm planning a trip to Savannah, where I found a home on Airbnb that is draped in both moss and charm. I want cobblestone little squares. I want to drift around in the spring sunshine, like an aunt who's on an eat-prey love trip

Starting point is 00:36:18 that includes grits and barbecue. I want to do some light strolling, and maybe buy an impossibly impractical piece of jewelry in a local boutique. And at night, I want to sit down to a dinner that is so good, it makes me briefly forget pretty much everything. This is the kind of trip where you need a place that matches a fantasy. That's why I love booking stays on Airbnb, because when I travel, I do not want to be crammed into a hotel room with a view of a parking lot. I want a real place to stay. I want a living room where I can decompress after a long day of wandering around and judging southern architecture. I want a kitchen for snacks, a table for my frosty beverages, and enough space to

Starting point is 00:36:55 dramatically collapse on the floor like Julia Roberts and something to talk about. And if I'm traveling with friends, it's even better, because then we can all stay together instead of scattered down different hallways in a hotel. And of course, once I start planning one trip, my brain immediately escalates. Suddenly, I'm looking at Carmel next, then Malta, then Hokkaido Island. A little ocean air, some seafood, and maybe even a long walk where I pretend I'm processing something deep, when really I'm just thinking about Russian pop music. Whether it's one quick spring reset or the beginning of a full warm weather spiral, trips just feel more personal when you book through Airbnb.

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Starting point is 00:39:12 It is I who glides above every place of rest, whether that be cradle, palace, or humble house on Main Street, USA. Throughout the millennia, I have witnessed every living soul surrender to the, night. Over ages uncounted, I've seen kings toss and turn upon miserable horsehair bedding with while peasants dreamt more sweetly than emperors on a mere patch of dirt. Which is why I beg of you to begin your annual spring reset with one secret act. Replace your old, rotten mattress with the legend chill from Lisa. And divine heavens, what a revelation it'll be. I myself slumber on the legend chill and it is, dare I say, divine. I had grown so accustomed to waking amongst the clouds with aches, earthly stiffness, and the dull curse of unrest I had nearly forgotten how truly deep,

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Starting point is 00:40:33 mattresses plus an extra $50 off. Support our show and let them know we sent you after checkout. That's Lisa.com promo code bald. Do you think that when people are like, I want tight pussy, the truth is if you got a big dick, it's all tight. So when you're saying you're looking for tight, maybe you need to take up more space. That's true. But they also need to consider, get the silicone injection.

Starting point is 00:40:56 Your dick brick hard like a metal. I got three holes like a pretzel. Tight as a virgin boy. Don't get nervous. Tight. I'm here to give you customer service. Right. Does you write that?

Starting point is 00:41:07 I saved dick by giving it CPR. Is that train? It's cup cupcacaca. Oh, kupake. Kupaka. Kupakka. Kupak. Who, some field is an industry plant.

Starting point is 00:41:16 I'm very, I'm very, that's a, that's a, that's a cup kugka. a conspiracy theory. I've seen that online too. Very invested in that conspiracy theory. Is that kind of a compliment? To be like, it's so flawlessly executed, it must be a team of scientists. Yeah, actually, that's how I would take it. Nobody thinks we're a plant. No, no. We would grow up in the trash outside the lab. They think we're a fake house plant. A fungus that was in the bio, the biohazard waste. Well, as the other drag race queens say to us regularly, you guys are just doing what you do.

Starting point is 00:41:41 I love how you just go out there and wear whatever girl. You could just go and do whatever girl. Just say anything. And you guys can just do anything. They mean it as a compliment. So many people have said to me, you can just go online and just like fart and people love it. And I go, okay.

Starting point is 00:41:54 Yeah. Well, you try your best and people don't love it. So what is it? Sometimes I feel like I can telegraph my farts. Like, I know if they're going to be funky or not. See your eyes? Just like Janet Jackson's. That was Tyra Banks.

Starting point is 00:42:06 You don't know that clip? I do. Yeah. It's truly diabolical. Miss Banks really was off the chain. No, you know what was diabolical? The inspector jacket, the inspector gadget jacket.

Starting point is 00:42:17 What the fuck is with that jacket, girl? I've been thinking about it a lot. Oh, oh, in the dock. Yes. No shit. Who did she think she is? And it never came off. What it gave is drag queen, um, reveal number.

Starting point is 00:42:27 Like thunder do. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like, I wonder if she's going to take it off. Well, I mean, Labada on the other hand. I wonder if she's going to put something on. She sure did. Girl, there's nothing worse than that drag queen choir robe with two stones. Baby.

Starting point is 00:42:39 You have my heart. No, baby. And I'm a baby. What about doing, what about doing a good 45 second intro with a dirty, um, bathrobe. A dirty The makeup dress. The Roxy Andrews Andrews makeup dress. It was like, I was like Not I wonder if she's going to take that off. Please take that off right now

Starting point is 00:42:56 Because it's it's so, it's not a review. It's not a cover up. Wasn't Bob selling those makeup dresses? I don't know what you call it. It's straps with fabric, but it's like, it's like very baggy legs. It's like a tank top that goes into very baggy legs. Oh, like a jumper. It's like a gender affirming. Like a caftan? No. It's like legholes. It's like pants. It's like pants. They're very... Bob, I don't...

Starting point is 00:43:18 Bob, right in. Oh, like, harm pants. I'm not sure what you would call it, but I think I was selling them for a while. An ugly as hell outfit. I don't know. But they look good for getting in drag because you don't want to be naked,

Starting point is 00:43:28 but you want something you can get off easy later. Because I hate when you put makeup on, you got to pull a t-shirt over the makeup. You ruin the collar. Oh, yeah, I always do makeup shirtless with my robe on my titty's out. Yeah, always do the robe because you will... A white shirt.

Starting point is 00:43:40 With how much brown I put on my jaw, my black chin strap? Thank you. Please. Also, yeah, sliding... And also I hate, um, yeah, white shirt. White shirt. White shirt.

Starting point is 00:43:50 I make a... White refrigerator. Let's go get you a home. Girl, I saw something incredible on the way here. We're currently looking at a new studio to move my dragon to. I hate you. I hate you so much. We're looking at the studio over here, because there's a lot more space over here in Burbank in North Hollywood.

Starting point is 00:44:06 And I drove by it today, Nick. Can you rent me some facility? Can you rent me a room in there? No, we should get them side by side. Don't fucking edge me, you faggots. I'm dead serious. It's right over here. and it's by the airport, it's by the planet business, it's by a bunch of shit.

Starting point is 00:44:18 By the airport. Oh, Burbank. Yes. I was like, oh, like, heck. So, don't edge me, you faggot. Are you for real? And so you could like keep your drag there. Go get it, go to the airport, whatever.

Starting point is 00:44:27 Yeah, no shit. Okay. Don't yell at me. I'm sorry. I'm just getting emotional. I'm getting emotional. Because I'm hurt. I went over there today.

Starting point is 00:44:32 I went over there today and I saw a FedEx truck, D-E-E-X. And there was like a four-lane highway over there by the airport. You know by the airport, there's big open fields. And by the Spurbank airport. It's a lot of like land with nothing. The land, honey, the land. This FedEx truck, you want to talk me hitting my own driveway every time I come in the driveway. My boyfriend came one other day and bought one of those.

Starting point is 00:44:56 I was sitting there in drag, Crossie. And he bought one of those markers that's for me. Fat back CD for markers for removing scuffs off cars. Oh, damn. He put on the table. He goes, did you want to do it or should I? And I go, I guess I'll do it. You fagg it.

Starting point is 00:45:12 So this FedEx truck. Huge long FedEx truck. They pulled out to block like all four lanes and all the cars. They put it in reverse. Smoothly, quickly, deftly, backed into an alley with maybe two feet on each side. I looked in the window to look. It was such a good park job that I had to get a look at that fucker space. Yeah. What she looked like?

Starting point is 00:45:34 I was like craning my neck. What she looked like? Calm. Calm. She was turned and tapped and turned on. Do you know me calling the garage door guy and say hi, it's me again. I hit the door again. No, but what did the person look like? Just a normal guy. Attractive, maybe 40 Latino, big sunglasses.

Starting point is 00:45:52 And he just was like palming the wheel. Fierce. Perfectly backed it up. That is so. And you know I thought it was a me a lesbian. Yes, of course. That behavior to me is so sexually attractive. I was almost like, like, 10 and 2.

Starting point is 00:46:03 Thank you. So I couldn't clap. That is so sexually attractive to me. So it's such a turn on such a plus in the in the pro category to me. Parking is parallel parking is the only skill. and driving that I really lock in on. Every other part of it, I think I could take a remedial course probably every six weeks. You should see me do a 16-point turn out of the studio parking lot.

Starting point is 00:46:25 It's really, it's really, it's really impressive. It's like, oh, did that person not only, like, not have a license? Does that person actively forget and unlearned driving skills every time they get in a car? You pull out, after that 16-point turn, you get hit by Carlos, one of those food delivery things. Yeah, Cassandra comes and bowls me over. And then a Waymo, T-Bones you. Yes. But, yeah.

Starting point is 00:46:47 Me yelling into the front seat of a Waymo. I think we should exchange information. No one in there? Me turning, me asking, me like flirting with the Waymo. So when you bumped into me, was that like kind of like hot coffee? Hot coffee? I did have something I wanted to bring your attention right away. I don't watch porno.

Starting point is 00:47:07 Wait, I know we talked about this anyway. I don't watch porn and I have, I'm afraid. But you listen. It's like I don't smoke, but I inhale. Well, that's a funny thing you should say because you literally just read my mind. Dare you talk about this? No. Oh, okay.

Starting point is 00:47:22 What if I'm psychic? I know you're psychic, but the way you will not even like loft to the idea that I might be intuitive in some way. No, I know you're very intuitive. Excuse your mouth. I know you're very intuitive. You have a women's intuition that is very over the line much more than most women. But I, but psychic is a little bit of a stretch. However, and the count of three, we're going to say a number.

Starting point is 00:47:44 from one to 10. It's going to be one, two, three, blank. Okay. And I'm going to lock in and I'm going to say this number. Okay. One, two, three, seven. Oh, I almost said seven. That was so close, though.

Starting point is 00:47:54 So that's the difference between psychic and intuition. Six, seven. Seven, eight. She ate. That was like, dude, I tell you what was in D.C. And I was walking with my friend. And my friend is like, I say, you know, I'm psychic. I'm always trying to like confirm it.

Starting point is 00:48:08 And she was going to show me a house where there was a murder. And I said, I said, show me what block it. is and I'm going to tell you what house it is. And she goes, okay. I know what you're thinking. There's police tape. I'm like, I think it's this one. Murder house.

Starting point is 00:48:23 Or is that 11? Or the guys actively with the knife. But I walk by and I go, it's this one. And she goes, oh, close. It's this one. So I'm like, I got it. There's only three shoes on that. Like that's not it.

Starting point is 00:48:35 There's like three houses on the street. But I'm thinking because it was next door, I'm like, but I got it. I got it. Yeah, you got it. Yeah. This is going to be so gross. And I'm just going to, I just want to say it. Is okay?

Starting point is 00:48:45 Ask them. So I think I've already talked about it. I'm so sorry if I have. You can just stop me because it's gross. I don't want to watch because porn to me is very overstimulating. It's very overstimulating. And like I get like as a person who has, I know it's a shock, who has had a history of compulsive sexual activity or behavior around porn. I try to, I get, I want to, I don't want to get desensitized and I don't want to get, I want to reset my nervous system in terms of like, what is.

Starting point is 00:49:15 You know Tittalating or whatever With my Also because for me Just for me It has ruined sex Sometimes Where like I can't be in the moment

Starting point is 00:49:27 I can't be like Turned inept and turned on I don't I'm not conservative or traditional But You believe that When people make claims that Take

Starting point is 00:49:36 A break from porn Yielded A healthier sex life In their marriage or something I do believe that that could be Entirely possible Oh yeah Person to person

Starting point is 00:49:44 And it's not It's not a broad stroke against porn as like some moral judgment. Are you kidding? They should all go to hell, but that's just my opinion. How come they never ask us to present our host at like porn awards? They do. Yeah, they do. Oh my God, we were nominated for a porn award.

Starting point is 00:49:58 And Mary, they have asked us to present at the Gavians. What's the award? Best double anal angels. I don't know what it was. I think it's funny that we can't get a Golden Globe for a pod. But we can get nominated at the A Porn Award for a pod. Because when we do pods, Mary, people get so horny.

Starting point is 00:50:15 And also just take a look at the breasts How they grow throughout the episode I can't control that Can I tell you guys what happened to me yesterday? I was filming Wait, wait, wait, I'm not done with my story This is part of it Okay, got it

Starting point is 00:50:25 I was filming with Nick What is it? The International Content Creator Awards Which is a primarily adult films And we are obviously nominated But I'm filming with Nick yesterday And you call, you call and I go I gotta call Katte back

Starting point is 00:50:40 You know, it's probably important Because God knows you would never fucking call me You call You call. You call. You call. you go, I just want you to know that you could never do anything

Starting point is 00:50:49 to ever take my wet pussy. And I go, okay, I gotta go, I'm filming. That's the kind of, that's the kind of dismissive attitude that I receive from me on a daily basis, which is why I rarely share those moments of vulnerability. And that's okay. So it's okay. I've learned, I've grown, and I've learned from it.

Starting point is 00:51:04 What's the nasty gross story? Well, okay. Is it about your body? No, it's about so many else's, uh, okay, so I, I deactivated, deleted my only fan's account. I'm not my, one that I share, the one that I view. Thank you. Because I'm trying

Starting point is 00:51:19 to curb my financial situation to take myself out of dire financial straits. Actively taking steps to save and be better with money. Now, of course, I just did it just for fans account. So I So it's a whack-a-ball. Have you ever done

Starting point is 00:51:35 Rocket Money? I'm not... No, I have. Yeah, I love rocket money. It's fierce. It is fierce. It's $10 a month and it gets you together. But it will tell you like what shit you're subscribed to. And also you can, it helped me, um, helped me avoid a hundred twenty nine ninety nine Microsoft Office suite like I've ever done a goddamn word document in my life with my hunt and pecking ass I would love to see you open Excel baby oh a spreadsheet a what I can spread my legs that's about it put a dryer sheet in there and so anyways the um I I'm

Starting point is 00:52:02 tuned in tapped and turned on and uh there's this guy who famously makes this this is so this is really vulgar just I'm just letting you know at home this is vulgar if you have children and or you have parents in the listening if you're eating lunch. If they have children, they've had sex. No, no,

Starting point is 00:52:17 no, but maybe not sex like this. So this person is famous for making their ass talk. What I mean by that, it's not farting necessarily. Okay. It's like,

Starting point is 00:52:29 remember when Luscious ass, you've ever creamed, you ever creamed your ass? It sounds kind of disgusting. But so they're, our producers looking at me like, you should kill yourself.

Starting point is 00:52:41 It's like, she's been looking at it like that for a few years. why haven't you done it again? She holds up a sign that says, why haven't you done it? Yeah, I don't say let's take a break. I said, do it, maybe do it. The noose has been coming down.

Starting point is 00:52:53 I love an water boy and Faruza Balch holds up that sign that says, do you want me to kill them? Love that shit. So this person is sputtering, it's squelching. It's a very, very lurid, lured, highly sexual ASMR experience. So I don't watch it.

Starting point is 00:53:13 I listen. I put on the mystery. noise cancler. Okay. And it's, it's so, the sound, you don't want to watch, but I do want to watch,

Starting point is 00:53:22 but I say, no, no, no. Can I clarify it? It's not an audio. It's a video that you're using as audio. Exactly. Because I don't want to become overstimulated.

Starting point is 00:53:29 Also, because I have not ejaculated in over three, three months, catch that truth. Catch that. And I'm not joking. I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

Starting point is 00:53:38 I just as you're sitting there incredulous. As am I. Yeah. White P. Brandon called Ajaculate white pee That's so gross

Starting point is 00:53:49 Mine is a little Okay It's gonna come out chunky And gold Like like like like Probably like gallstones Kidney stones It's gonna come out chunky

Starting point is 00:53:57 And like Thai iced tea No that's my regular pee Clotted It's gonna about Clotted Well when my eyes like I bought a big jug of Fiji water

Starting point is 00:54:06 At the studio yesterday Because my morning pee Was like Barbecue sauce So I was like Maybe I should try hydration Give it a shot It's doing good for me

Starting point is 00:54:13 But back to the nasty, the other nasty thing. It's a squelching. It's a sputtering. And it's a very, very, it's a very, like, for lack of a better word, nasty in a good way, like sex sound. You know? How is the sound being made?

Starting point is 00:54:33 It's made from the dick going in the butt and coming out. And then once it pulls out, because there's so much Lubin come in there, it's like sputtering the, it's like, Wow. So there's actual sex. occurring. Oh yes. This is very much so. Very, very, very penetrative and very, very, like, very hard-hitting tonight at 11, you know, kind of. I think of like the famous people who love our pod. Like, I think of Amy Poehler at her desk right now listening to you tell the story.

Starting point is 00:55:01 How is she going to listen with all those lights in her face? Oh, my God. My friend Vanessa, the DJ, who I make a lot of music with. She said, oh my God, my friend, I told her, I said, I listen to Baldwin the Beautiful in the car when I drive. And her friend said, I watch it while I drive. Her friends said I put it on my phone And I put it in the cup holder And I watch while I drive I said Love you

Starting point is 00:55:18 I hope you do you mask I don't recommend that I don't recommend that But I said Work That's fierce But I watch the road while I drive As do you

Starting point is 00:55:26 Thank you No I don't watch it I am a You survey it Yeah I've got Yeah anyways So I I tried that

Starting point is 00:55:34 And I um I thought it was interesting And I actually became hypnotized And it became so It's so lewd and it's so like, I don't mean to, it's not a judgment.

Starting point is 00:55:45 I'm just saying it's so like, so sexually almost, it's just too much. It's so much that I become like, okay, I gotta stop. This is a little too much. Just from the audio.

Starting point is 00:55:56 Just from the audio. Now I'm back to just gifts. When I was into straight porn for a while, I watched a lot of extreme close-ups. 8K. Yes. 8-K. With extreme, like,

Starting point is 00:56:05 8-K. Yes. Of the dick in the pussy hole. This is exactly what I'm talking about. that exciting and I found myself confused by why I liked it because it was just so medical it's so medical oh well I don't

Starting point is 00:56:19 I don't appreciate as any it's like you know Valerie cherishes sick of seeing red I don't like that seeing red I don't like that what do you mean well you know what I mean an anal when you're seeing red I don't like that right but that's another story I also love it in season two of the comeback when she's watching her like acting real oh it's the scene where they're watching a clip from seeing red

Starting point is 00:56:40 and Valerie's all insecure about it because the reviewers like, I think people are going to see in a whole new light and she's like, what does that mean? And Mickey's watching it and it's her like, I want you to think

Starting point is 00:56:49 about killing yourself when you put that shit in your arms about like talking about drug use and Mickey goes, after all these years, Red, you can really act. That is one of the best

Starting point is 00:57:04 redeeming things of the comeback is that every time they yell action, Valerie's good. Yeah. Like it would be so hard to root for her if she wasn't.

Starting point is 00:57:12 great. But do you know how difficult that role must be for an actor for Lisa Kudrow? Because there's so many layers to the performance. You know what I mean? Like there's the real person, the person who's like putting on the thing. And then there's the actress. And then the, you know what I mean? There's so many like different, I don't know if this one that sounds like corny or pretentious.

Starting point is 00:57:29 But I find it like a very multi-layered. I find the way she's able to inhabit it and live in it and play with it, but stay anchored to it. Yeah. It's real gift. I'm not. She is so. actor. No, you are. I only can do what I do. No, you're inside

Starting point is 00:57:46 the actor. You're very Udahagan, very method. I can't be other people. Yes, you can and you do it better than Daniel Dave Lewis. I was in a community theater no, I was in a day new theater production of a night out with the rat pack at the Apple Holler in Sturdivant Wisconsin when my sophomore year of college. Do you play old blue eyes? I was

Starting point is 00:58:01 super famous. Yeah. And this woman, her name was Lori Minetti, she used to read the lottery balls in Wisconsin on TV in the 90s where you had to actually pull the ball and some hot bitch would have her perfect manicure and be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's the ball. Here's the ball. Yeah. She said, Brian, people like you and I, people are higher us because they want us. They want us to play our personalities. Oh, I see. And I remember going home being like, is that bad? And then I just

Starting point is 00:58:30 am like, all the other years later, I was like, well, sometimes you play yourself and that's okay. And guess what? Nobody else can do it. Nobody else can do you, but Lisa Kudjo can do anyone. I mean, Valerie is not Lisa. No. No. But I had a, I had a, you. I had a, you. I had. I, you know, You know, it's funny. I had a, not a casting agent, but a casting agent assistant. Tell me, like, you know, after the hacks thing, they were like, you know, they wanted you, but mostly, like, let's be real. Like, I was like, I'm not an actor. Like, I know you're not an actor. They wanted your legs.

Starting point is 00:58:58 They wanted your huge fuckable tits that grow a size every hour. That's what they wanted. And they got it. So take that down a few Roachie Boulevard and sell it. Let's take a break. I'm a Scottish size 12 and the UK 14 and my breasts won't stop growing. That would suck No I was that was such a

Starting point is 00:59:28 I was so blindsided I was blindsided by that Shocked and betrayed I've never felt so shocked and betrayed Fobody Choles Thank you My question is Does she have to get them reduced

Starting point is 00:59:36 Like regularly? Is that what happens? No the trouble was that she Like so her doctor would say In order to get that operation We need you to lose weight But she can't Because she'll lose weight

Starting point is 00:59:46 And then her breasts will grow It's a real catch 22 Or catch 38 D double D if you want Wow And I've never felt so seen. I've never felt so validated because I didn't even know that I had a condition. You know, I hate to get political, but I've been thinking about this a lot.

Starting point is 01:00:03 The people who don't believe doctors, the people who are the Maha people, the RFK people, if you really think this shit, when you get sick, don't go to the hospital. You can't play both sides of the street, bitch. No, no, no, but let me tell you, I am not defending anti-vaxxas or whatever. but one thing we do have to address is that just because you have an MD does not mean you are like don't trust every doctor. No one knows everything. Nobody knows everything. But I was raised. I don't know about you, but I was raised with blind faith in medical doctors.

Starting point is 01:00:37 But doctors, when they take money from, let's say, a medicine who's paying them to speak on behalf of this drug, they not only, they legally, they're under the oath where they have to only do good as a doctor. And B, the hippopotamus. They have to be very open about the money they might receive to endorse a drug. And they sometimes are not. But politicians, et cetera, really have no, they're not, they do not have any, like, I have to be completely transparent about this big pharma paying me. That are lobbying me, taking me golf, whatever, yeah. Right.

Starting point is 01:01:09 But doctors are courted all the time and paid by a huge, and taking out to lunches in Aspinski weekends with, you know, pharmaceutical companies. They're up their ass. They're giving them blow jobs, hand jobs, all kinds of. of jobs. You don't even think about a lot when we watched... I'm not saying, but I'm just saying like nobody's perfect and no industry is... because that was the bias I grew up with. Trust doctors as a matter what. I'm like, there is it, you know, like doctors sometimes suck have terrible bedside manners. That was the

Starting point is 01:01:36 other thing about... But why is one bad doctor experience? All doctors are lying to me. That's not fair. No, no, no, no. That's not what I'm saying. That's not what I'm saying. But I had the opposite of like bias that all doctors are infallible. And one of the actual, one of the things I agreed with with the body positivity of folks was like I was like they're the insensitive the insensitivity of doctors I was like that's no that's not news to me and and name a doctor who has good bedside manner right and it's very you would think bipartisan we've all had a doctor say the wrong thing to us or Mary I can count on three fingers the the amount of doctors I've had who have been not only like made eye contact with me while they were telling me what's wrong with me or whatever but like made

Starting point is 01:02:15 non-judgmental suggestions or even like listened without without you know what I mean Yes, I mean, I... We didn't send the nurse in to tell me something. Yes. I have ancliol sing spondylase. That's the disease I have. Yeah. The number of people that take years and years and years and years, decades sometimes, long time to find diagnosis because many doctors don't know enough or don't believe or whatever.

Starting point is 01:02:42 Go home. You're just making it up. You're sick. Like, people having chronic pain and like their body, when they get diagnosed, they look back and they're like, wow, these symptoms, started when I was a teenager and they kept telling me it was nothing. I understand that these people get very, you get so lost when you're like, does anyone fucking believe me? Like, why would I be in the doctor's office

Starting point is 01:02:59 if I'm not in pain? It doesn't feel like something's happening. Yeah. So I understand that too. I really do. And also, and I think... And people of color don't often get the same treatment. Of course. And girl, fat people get immediately prejudiced against. Yeah. Because a lot of... So many doctors are for fat. Should we go to med school? I've been. I don't know about you, but I do have a medical

Starting point is 01:03:19 I am a medical doctor. No, the, the thing is like, healthcare as a business, there's your fucking problem, number one. When healthcare's a business,

Starting point is 01:03:29 there's a market, their decisions made, you know, with the market in mind. It's just, it's a whole fucking piece of shit system. Or the other problems is, giant pharmaceutical companies,

Starting point is 01:03:40 it's like doctors might have to give a certain amount of transparency. Companies who make the drugs don't. They don't have to say, this is how much it costs and so much we're upcharging, whatever. That's not happening.

Starting point is 01:03:49 And the FDA is in bed with the FBI. The FBI is in bed with the CIA. The FCA won't let me be, let me be me. CIA is in bed with MIA, and she's on tour. And FCA Twigs won the Grammy for Best Dad's album for U-Sexua. Thank you. Good for her. All right, I'm going to see Mother Mary.

Starting point is 01:04:05 I'm going to go to the premiere. What are you talking about? The new film with Anne Hathaway and Michaela Cole, where it's very witchy. Oh my God, it looks amazing. You got to watch the trailer. I'm trying to, I told our agents, if you don't get me a seat at the premiere of this movie in L.A. It's curtains. I'm leaving here and I'm going to Disneyland.

Starting point is 01:04:23 Incredible. Thank you for the invite. I feel almost insecure. And shame is a landfill emotion, right? I am a millennial, white, gay, and I'm going to Disney. It feels a little on the nose, and I'm sorry. Guess what? Everybody's got... Most people have a nose. Boop.

Starting point is 01:04:39 I got my girl, Caitlin, my tour guide from last time. Oh, you do the secret Pizza Gay thing underground. I'm not going to feel bad for that. It's... Don't feel bad for about it? You're so, you're super rich. You're part of the Illuminati.

Starting point is 01:04:51 It's fine. We worked all weekend. We're going to Toronto this week. We need a break. We need to unwind. You have arthritis. Absolutely. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:04:58 And I'm really interested in going on a week long trip to really interested going to Walt Disney World. I've never gotten a nice. Florida. I've not seen Animal Kingdom. Florida. Epcot. All of that.

Starting point is 01:05:11 You neither. So I really want to go. I want you to go. And I was just in Dollywood. Yes. And I also want to go to Universal, Orlando, because they have a lot of stuff that we don't. have here. Will you come to London to do a bald gig so we can see Catherine Taden, no, Mary?

Starting point is 01:05:23 Yeah, of course. But also, have you heard about our John? I've never been to Six Flags Magic Mountain. Well, it's closing, so you better go, bitch. Well, we have a Six Flags Great America outside of Milwaukee. Who cares about her? We go to Six Flags. If they're doing out on the mountain, I've been feeling very rollercoaster horny lately. You've never been to Out on the Mountain. No, you go every year and you don't ask me. That is, that is the most patent. You have never uttered a falsehood so patently untrue in your life in our 12 years together. Somewhere at a game of telephone between you not saying it and me not hearing it, I never got invited. It's your arterios spangliitis, which prevents you from picking up the phone. No, no, no, you can't ever go. You can never go.

Starting point is 01:06:01 Because I'm not gay. No, you're booked and busy. Why can't we get booked? No, you get, okay. Do you think that six plays could pay us? They have asked us many times. And it's not, plus you don't want to perform there. You want to ride the rides. Because it's, I want to DJ. And then I want to ride rides. They have asked you to DJ. I'm just going to ask directly to camera. Six flags. Any of your gay parties?

Starting point is 01:06:22 Please let me DJ during the day or at night and then go ride some rides. No, it's at night. My dream is that you and I can be in drag and red a roller coaster. I have a video of it. Okay, so that I have... You wanted us to bungee jump and drag. That's totally different. That's the most extreme scary thing you do in your life and it happens once.

Starting point is 01:06:38 I'm talking about multiple roller coasters. I'm talking about climbing up hills. I'm very into these videos of people on slingshots. Plus, you have to... Oh, I love those. I love those two. But wait, we have a final, final, final thought. Fuck my ass.

Starting point is 01:06:50 I just forgot what it was. I'm sorry. No, no. The Bald and the Beautiful will be in Florida in December. Orlando. We can plan for Disney then. Yes. And what a great time to go to Disney World or Atlanta.

Starting point is 01:07:04 At the Walt Disney Theater, we're performing so we can maybe stay an extra day. Oh, my God. See, you give it up to God and God gives it to you. We're playing Bald and the Beautiful at the Walt Disney Theater in Orlando in December. Yeah. We, I want to, I, I, I, you can go. It's, you can go. Start crying.

Starting point is 01:07:23 They start crying. Okay, final thoughts. I don't have any. Well, thank you so much. Bye, girl. Bye girl. Incest. You know,

The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Bobby and the Ice Queens with Trixie and Katya

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