The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Bottoming Ain't Easy with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: June 20, 2023

As part of Pride, we'd like to remind everyone about the 4 P's for bottoming: Practice, Preparation, Protect, and Pray: Practice on weeknights, at lunchtime, or even during your commute. Prepare by using an enormous amount of lube from that economy size bucket you purchased for the April 2020 orgy that never happened. Protect by always wearing a prophylactic, even if it's one that was thrown at you during a Pride parade. And lastly, pray to the pagan god of bottoming Assilopochtli, for they will ensure that you have a wonderful experience filled with joy and jubilation. New to Etsy? Use the code NEW for ten percent off your first purchase. That’s code NEW. Maximum discount value of fifty dollars. Offer ends June 30th, 2023. See terms at https://Etsy.com/terms It’s time for you to experience a new skin health routine at a discounted rate today! Get 15% off OneSkin with the code BALD at https://www.oneskin.co/ Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our latest book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Welcome to the pro-life with LG Gram Pro. Experience the power of pro. Get your LG Gram Pro today. Pro. Anytime. Anywhere. Pro. Anytime. Anywhere. the gala the one that um the out magazine and the advocate threw for the 25th anniversary of my pants by uh sherry mine i don't like that i don't like pooping stories roll the clip no no last week when my mom got me sick or my got sick at my mom's house they didn't just tell me god we were sick they were like couldn't stop they were like couldn't

stop pooping puking i'm like we get it yeah we get it we get it also like why i mean we're this close we're this close to colonizing mars and yet we haven't figured out on that whole piece you know what i mean i how about this this is my shark tank idea you know the little blue tabs you put in the tank of the the toilet to make the the water blue yeah of course i think i want to do that like an acid tablets that makes your pee blue just go like my pee was green once too much riboflavin i was taking a lot of vitamins and they said oh it was like yes at a certain point you start peeing out it's just peeing but my pee was green i was like oh i thought i either had an sti or alcoholism like i was like oh my liver's dead i thought it was like have you ever peed blood no oh no but i

bled pee no i'm just kidding um you know what i need to figure out how to navigate when i step off state off stage when i step off stage after d, sorry, I need to figure out how to decline photos. Easy, trap door. But the level of sweating at the end of like Kansas City Pride, the level of sweating when I walked off stage, this entire part of my face was gone. I could see the real skin. Yeah, I know. Gone. Yeah, yeah.

You're not photo ready. A photographer was like, I'm going to get a picture of you. And I was like, I can't, I'm too sweaty. He was like, oh, I'll take the real skin. Yeah. Gone. Yeah. Yeah. You're not photo ready. A photographer was like, I'm going to get a picture of you. And I was like, I can't. I'm too sweaty. He was like, oh, I'll take care of you. And I said, no, I can't. And he was like, are you sure? I said, no, no, no.

I can't. I said, tell you what, pick any photo for my Instagram and post it. And I'll say that you took it. Yeah. I said, I'm just trying to get out of you taking a picture because I'm telling you it's disgusting. This brings up a point that I need to talk to you about this has been on my mind for quite some time square space no beeps i want to sell you some knives uh-huh no that the this thing you're just talking about

when they say um oh i can i get a thing you're like oh no no no like um no i'm like you're just talking about when they say, oh, can I get a thing? You're like, oh, no, no, no. Like, no, I'm like, you're saying I'm good. Yeah, you're saying you're not comfortable. And they say, oh, I don't mind. You mind. I mind. So when people, and this happens a lot, like it's like, oh, like, can I get a hug?

It's like, oh, I'm so sweaty. I don't care. It's like, but I care. Yeah. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Milwaukee, Salt Lake City, and Kansas City. All three of those prides, as soon as I stepped off stage to go step off stage, get a breather, sweat.

Yeah. At the end, like to wait for my car to go home. Four to six gay guys who know someone at the festival want a picture. And I feel bad because so sweaty that i'm like it's not the night it's not the moment the moment was before meet and greet whatever but at this moment i'm just scared because when i say no i don't want to take a picture i'm too sweaty for the rest of their lives those people are going to be like she wouldn't take a fucking picture of that right it's like i mean i've i've been in a situation where like you, it's like my default is, of course I'll take a picture,

whatever. But if I say I look so horrible right now, I would never want to be photographed. And the person like, Oh, I don't care. It's like, I know you don't care.

Yeah. What I'm saying is I care. I care. And there's two people here and they're like, there's two of us. You're a drag queen. You don't have dignity. Well,

like pretty much. And that happens a lot with stuff. It's like when you, um, it's like, uh, when people don't respect, I guess it you don't respect boundaries or something like that or or like you know that drives me nuts not just with the pictures there's other scenarios where

it's like um like uh can i have a hug oh i don't want to like oh i don't know like think i'm trying to think of a better example i think the equivalent of that is when someone on Grindr who has no pictures asks you for a picture. What are we doing there? Girl, what is happening there? What is happening there? Do you have more pics? What channel are you watching? You've provided zero, zero photos of you.

And you want to see, you want to start to see what? My fingerprints? You want to read my palm, bitch? Do you want the birth certificate? I would can go to the baby book. You want to, you want a PDF of my baby book photos. Let's start there. And you've presented zero.

Nothing. Oh, I don't need to see anything. I don't need to see anything. I'm not curious. I'm open. That's a girl. That's up there with the straight guys who ask, are you clean? I'm like, you've never been to an STI doctor in your life.

Am I clean? You're the one fucking people on the side, girl. Clean. Cause they, cause you clean? I'm like, you've never been to an STI doctor in your life. Am I clean? You're the one fucking people on the side. Girl. Clean. Because you saw on TV that everyone gay has AIDS. Hello. That's what it is. Clean.

Mama, you're clean. You don't have nine million little mites on your face like every human being. I don't like to talk about that. So I lost you there. It's true. There's something very wrong there. Nine billion little mites lost you there. It's true. There's something very wrong there. Nine billion little mites on your face. Everybody's face.

I know, but when you zoom in on them too, they look... Chomp, chomp. They look gross. They are gross because human beings are a festering, walking piece of disgusting, horrible trash. So what happens? They just...

Ooh, there ain't no other way. No. Rah, rah, ooh, la, la, just chomping on your face. Smart food. What the fuck is smart about that food, bitch? Have you ever had this? Of course I have. This is the best low-calorie popcorn, this white cheddar.

For real? This little bag is 70 calories. Get out of here. How do they do it? It sounds too good to be true. Probably chemicals. How are there no calories in Diet Coke? Tell me that.

How are there no calories? You multiply and then you divide. I don't know, actually. I just said that. But so it's like, is it as if you're ingesting nothing? Well, what do you think about, well, have you ever had the Zevia root beer?

Zevia is like a sugar-free calorie-free soda and they make a root beer flavor that i'm not kidding tastes exactly like root beer i will i will see you in court zero calories are you friends with taylor swift you are i will see you in court judge janine is going to bang her gavel and be like we need to kill him we need to kill it it's that you're not you're lying i'm not lying it's good is it the same as sugar full full fat root beer no of course not but it's so you lied yeah but i don't drink that soda i haven't had a i haven't had a straight diet coke in at least five years. A straight diet Coke? You mean a Coke?

Yeah. I only drink diet. I don't drink real soda ever. Like full fat soda. Even when I was like drinking rum and Coke, it was like rum and diet. Like I don't like full Coca-Cola. I mean, it's extremely sweet. It's a shock to your system.

And I used to date a guy who drank like a case a week and I'd be like, this is a lot. Yeah. Full sugar Coca-Cola is crazy to drink. Well, there was a sale., this is a lot. Yeah. Full sugar. Coca-Cola is crazy to drink. Well, there was a sale. I drink it a lot. And I, so, um, there was a sale, like the, the food cafeteria at the college I went to one had like a barn door sale or whatever. You had basically, it was like clearance.

It was the end of the semester. They're like, they're selling barn doors, giving the shit away for free. I took cases of full fat Coke cans. And there was one day where I think I was soda in it. Cans. Coca-Cola classic. Can't beat the real thing. I think I drank 10 cans of one day.

That's disgusting. I know. I also smoked probably a pack and a half of cigarettes indoors. Day two. It was 22. Well, gay, straight or bi, I also smoked probably a pack and a half of cigarettes indoors that day too. I was 22. Well. Gay, straight, or bi, lesbian, transgender life. I stopped self-tanning.

What do you think of my skin color? I think you look like a white person. Do you notice how it's almost the same color as the shirt? No, so you have even skin though. You have even skin. You have even complexion. Let's see. Let's see.

Yeah. Not blotchy. Not patchy. No, it doesn't. Not veiny. Not veiny. You know even skin. You have even complexion. Let's see. Let's see. Yeah. Not blotchy. Not patchy. No, it doesn't. Not veiny. You know. Nothing. Well, you're.

Yeah. What do you mean? Normally when people do this, their bicep changes shape or size. Look at this. There is a change. I see a change. No, this looks like the back of an old woman's ankle. You're not actually flexing though.

Flex and then to curl the wrist. Yeah. There you go. There you go. I don't see it. How's the weight go i don't see it how's the way i don't see it for me how's the weight how's the weightlifting journey happen is it happening it's good but this week when i was running on a three days of being sick oh gosh and then b when you're running on flight all day show at night yeah you can't exercise on five hours of sleep you just

can't so one day at one of the gyms, I didn't tell you the nightmare. Okay. This was Wes Craven's The New Nightmare. Why? I'm exhausted. I get to Salt Lake City. I go to my sound check. And then I was like, let's go to the hotel.

I wait almost an hour to get the car. Right. Like the car they sent takes almost an hour to pick me up at the Pride. So I'm just sitting there. What? Just sitting there waiting, waiting, waiting. We get to the hotel. It's 350. Which most check-ins are by four but no three three right three o'clock it's almost four and i go i don't check in and they go we don't have

your room ready yet now every other gig they ever book you at if there's even a chance they book the room the night before that's so that you have a little's that's the rule it's 350 i go can i get in they go we don't have a room for you actually and i go okay and i'm just so downtrodden and ready to sleep that i'm like whatever brandon's room's ready mine isn't whatever you didn't fly off the handle like no no of course not so you didn't pull a jason wimberly no i own a motel i would never mistreat other motel people. These are hotel people. Yeah, this is a, I don't want to say. Was it the Four Seasons? It was the **** in Salt Lake City.

Okay. That's a fancy hotel. It's 420, still no room. 430, still no room. I go, can I go to the gym or something? So I have something to do instead of sit in this lobby. And they go, I'll check with my supervisor. So then they're checking with the supervisor to see if I can go to the gym.

Because they don't have a room key. i haven't checked in yet but they know that you are indeed a guest of the hotel so then finally i'm at the gym it's 5 10 i'm walking downstairs and they're like it's time for you to check in 5 10 is too late for check-in 5 10 is too late for check-in so this is where this is where little miss karen comes out and starts yippity yapping. It was hard. It was hard to not be like, you guys know this is crazy. Five o'clock?

Five o'clock? I got to be DJing in a few hours. Actually, I would have directed my ire towards the promoter, whoever booked the hotel. Yeah. Because the hotel people, they got a lot on their plate. They got other people. They got people shitting and pissing and cumming in all the sheets and stuff. They got things going on. Well, that's the thing.

I thought, oh God, it's pride week too they're probably taking long to clean the room because there's probably anal blood on the wall silicone lube filled with blood pus shit and then poppers eating a hole through the carpet yeah g tearing up the upholstery yeah somebody uh tried to douche and put a human turd in the shower. In the shower. There's Pookie's hanging from the ceiling somehow. 100%. Pookie wind chimes. Yeah. A Coke residue.

Everywhere. So I figured they're probably having to just deep clean the shit out of this. So I would call him. I would like, I would boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Hello, Mr. Promoter. You need to come right down here and fix this. You know what I mean? But then I thought by the time they get here, what if the room's ready?

Also, where was the promoter? How come you're being mishandled like that i don't know why are you accepting that why are you not because it's a pride it's usually prides are usually a lot of volunteers and shit i'm not gonna oh please you know they don't do this every day they do it once a year i'm like whatever it was an oversight whatever i find it unacceptable i know but there's times like that where you miss having a tour manager. Yeah. Where you go like, please someone. Now, was Brandon with you? Yeah.

He was. And he didn't tear it up like Karen? He, no, I don't think. He got $100 credit for room service. Okay, thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you.

And he knows that I don't like that type of. Of course. It would embarrass the shit out of me. Yeah. Because the hotel employee, they don't know you. They have no involvement in your booking. They also know. So then I don't want a story that they knew who I was and I was playing at the Pride.

So I don't want them to be like. And they were still not accommodating you? Yeah. But I didn't want the story to be that I was rude to them. Well, the story should have been, oh, Mr. Fergus, Miss Mattel, right this way to the penthouse. Sorry that your room wasn't. We were able to upgrade you for no extra charge. And also, here's a gold bar.

We're going to shove up your ass. But I just kept thinking, what if the room's running in 10 minutes and I make a complaint about nothing? I just think after five, the check-in is really unacceptable. Yeah, it's crazy. Because I know you're going to be banging on my door at 8 a.m. asking me if I'm gone yet. So, like, can I have this five seconds? 3, 2, 1, 0.

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Learn more at amex.ca slash ymx terms apply have you ever been walked in on by housekeeping jerking off or let me ask you how many times has that happened no you can hear them come in are you jerking off with like headphones on and sensory deprivation tank like what are we doing i mask headphones dino bones i mask with headphones yeah you know leo dicaprio so you wouldn't know if you walked in dino bones yeah yeah headphones dino bones is his nickname because he has sex with um headphones on noise canceling headphones on and he has dino bones in his house leo dicaprio he has sex with headphones on famously you're kidding me headphones dino bones you're kidding me. Headphones dino bones.

You're kidding me. I'm not kidding you. I mean, I haven't personally fucked him, but many girls have, and it's strange. I hope it's like, so girl who had sex with Leo DiCaprio, why do you think he has headphones on? She's like, I don't know. I don't know why. He really liked my pussy, but he wouldn't say why. He didn't want to hear me.

Leo! Hello! Am I talking to myself here Leo I hope it's somebody with a really hot voice like that every single woman and like well Leo it's time for me to blow you but so this is like

how I mean I'm obsessed with these kind of oh and I got the tea from an industry insider about a famous. This is a blind item. Not going to say who, but a famous A-list singer who is confirmed. I was like, is he gay? And my friend was like, he's a gutless bottom. Gutless bottom. It is right

it is you were there you were there I was yes you were in my house yeah of course it was the day after your surgery

pass around gutless bottom I don't know I haven't been bottoming much and now when I do want to bottom it takes me a long time

to do it I used to be able to pull it out like a magic trick and now when I do want to bottom I'm takes me a long time to do it. I used to be able to pull it out like a magic trick. And now when I do want to bottom, I'm like, God. It's like a regional production of rent. Yeah. I mean, bottoming is always hard. I don't understand these people who can just easily do that.

I don't think it's easy. I think there's a lot of smoke and mirrors we're not privy to. It's hard to bottom. Yes. And I don't want to kill the vibe. But I also wish you could just get on top of me and put your dick in me and we could proceed. Right.

But we're probably going to have to do a little bit of precursor to that. I think I'm getting to the point where because I don't bottom much when I want to have sex with my boyfriend, I think we might have to become like one finger, then two finger, then three finger people. I think we're going to have to like slowly work up to it because it's hard to

have sex. It's hard to bottom. Yeah. It's, it's definitely not simple. It's not simple. And if you don't do it a lot, your body takes longer to relax to it.

Whereas like, I don't know when, when I'm first dating someone and we're having sex all the time, it's pretty much easier all the time. You know? Yeah. I mean, that's pretty much easier all the time. You know? Yeah. I mean, that's why I just, I don't know. I like to keep, I like the fact that it's complicated,

but then again, I have them tape sandpaper around their penis before they put it in me. Well, but the paper tape face is their dick. Exactly. Because you don't want to line your asshole with sandpaper. No, but I do want to, but no, I, for me, if I. Have you ever seen the Human Centipede 2? You know, I've never seen The Human Centipede 1.

Okay, The Human Centipede 2, there's a scene where there's a guy who is jerking off to security footage, and he has in his hand sandpaper. He's jerking off with sandpaper. You got to watch that. Wait a minute. I've seen... Have you watched 13 cameras? I don't know. Honey, baby, doll watch 13 Cameras? I don't know.

Honey, baby, doll, darling, David. I don't know. I think I'm changing. Honey. No honey. I think I'm changing. This is a movie. I think it's called 13 Cameras.

Can you look it up, Tracy? I think I'm growing. It's about people who move into a house. And what they don't know is that in the basement, I believe in the basement basement or maybe it's at a longer location but i think it's the basement there's a landlord down there with security cameras secretly in the whole house who watches them full time and like when they're gone at work he like goes up there and uses their toothbrush and shit like that it's so wild you have to watch it 13 cameras 13 cameras i'm still the guy they have playing the creep is a professional creep player he looks so jackie earl haley who is that he's the guy there who is

um freddie in the remake oh even way creepier but i love him jackie jackie earl harry jackie earl haley jackie haley early something like that i don't know love him i loved Harry Jackie Earl Haley Jackie Haley early something like that love him I loved his Freddie I know that's unpopular because nothing touches Robert England of course

but I loved his Freddie and Rorschach Washman also he and little little the when he was the pedo

who chopped his own balls off catch it in what the movie with Kate Winslet and Little Children it was a Todd todd field movie i believe is it like a porn no oh no he's a pedo and he castrates himself it's a whole little children

so but wait wait i still cannot i haven't quite moved on my brain is still kind of like the sandpaper jerking off i love it oh my god i don't think i think my brain i think i've entered a part of my life where i can no longer tolerate my tolerance for for super intense gore particularly torture painful torture i can't body horror you like the terrifier i i no listen i the terrifier was an incredible experience i'll never forget. I'll never forget it. I'll never forget it. But you don't have to rewatch it. I don't think I'm going to watch it again.

Okay. What changed? The surgery? You think because you were recently cut into, now you're like, it's too much. Well, no. I mean, Eden and I saw it in the theater, and it was mouth open, eyes bulging. And also, he's so gay he's like you know it's like crazy it's like camp it's it's nuts it's like it's like pink flamingos

is it really i think so it's like pink flamingos shocking they push the envelope there it's like how can they make a kill scene longer like i'm just gonna tell you what happens in this one scene he slices her eye open okay then he fucking uh slight takes scissors and scalps her okay then he um rips her arm off and then he takes and he cuts uh he uh rips the grabs these fingers and pulls them apart like a witch why why does he want to hurt these? Because he's a sadistic fucking crazy clown and then he skins her stabs her like skins her whole back then he leaves the room comes back with

bleach and salt and pours it on her and rubs it in her and that's just like and it goes on more and more and more and then the mom comes home sees it he cuts her head off and uses it as a candy dish

for Halloween. Ooh, the rain all the way. Why do you like this movie? It's not that I like this movie. It was just a, it was a crazy, shocking movie that I saw in the theater that was an unforgettable experience.

The end of it, after the credits rolled, I couldn't believe my eyes what was happening this crazy woman was scrawling words on the the wall of an insane asylum with her vaginal blood and then she gave birth to the the clown's head somehow what I, it was like, are we real? Is this like, where are we? And what's going on?

You know what I mean? Put a man on the moon. Are you, do you watch the last of us? I haven't watched it. You should watch that. It's scary, but not super gory.

Wait, I did watch succession. So what's the tea there? Fabulous. It is show. I read in the comments for the show that maybe we judged it incorrectly. I did too. And I,

I, I am in my, like, uh, I fucking binge the fuck out of that. The writing is superb. She fucked Mr. Culkin.

Oh no, no, I would. Yeah. I'll forfeit eight inches. I haven't thought about it. Oh yeah. There's a picture of him at the critics choice words and I'm in the background.

He's five, eight, five, seven, maybe five, five, six, even. Yeah I thought about it. Oh, yeah. There's a picture of him at the Critics' Choice Awards, and I'm in the background. He's 5'8". Yeah. 5'7", maybe? 5'6", even. Yeah. He's fabulous. They inhabit and play those characters with such skill.

They're so talented, those actors. Yeah. I thought he was hot in person when I saw him at the Critics' Choice Awards. You know, he's a very attractive guy. He is. He's little. But I wasn't dragged to everyone's little. That's true.

You know what I mean? I got nominated for two more critics choice awards. Which ones? Best, uh, I think unscripted home thing for Trixie Motel. Best unscripted home thing. It's like best unscripted home and garden.

Really? For Trixie Motel and for best host against RuPaul. So I'm going to get killed. Yeah, exactly. Me, RuPaul, Padma, which she's quitting. So she's, I think she get killed. Yeah, exactly. Me, RuPaul, Padma,

which she's quitting. So she's, I think she'll win. Oh, the top chef. Yeah. Ryan Seacrest. Yeah.

And who else? I'm really losing fucking Bob Barker. It's really up there. I mean, what incredible company. How about Mario Lopez? Extra, extra.

I feel like, um, I feel like getting nominated against Ru is like um a death sentence yeah i remember when nicole got would not get nominated against him and i she was always like nicole byer was always like i kind of like it because it gets good the award show i don't have to worry about winning right you know what i mean she like was like pressure is off also but imagine if you did win and you saw rue's face and she was there? I think what would happen is my AD magazine that's on my countertop right now would flip open. Rue would step out of it like fucking Pennywise, one leg at a time and crawl across the room and kill me. Yeah. It'd be like, hello AD.

Yeah. It'd be like, congratulations, diva. Watch your back. Yeah. I think you should put on diva. Watch your back. Yeah. I think you should put on the brightest eyeshadow you have and unleash your inner superhero so that I can torture and kill it. With assault and the terrifier. I wish RuPaul would have played the terrifier. Well, they're going to do a third one. They are. Yeah.

That actor must be thrilled. He must really like playing that. He's fierce. He's fierce. Is he gay? I don't think so, actually. I don't think so. What does he look like? that he's fierce he's fierce is he gay uh i don't think so actually i don't think so what does he look like is he hot outside of the clown outfit he looks nothing like it and i would have i would do sex to him i believe okay yeah he's a nice looking

guy again whether or not you and i would him has nothing to do with whether or not irrelevant irrelevant irrelevant i just like story did i tell you the story i was watching a movie with one of my friends and you know because of you when we watch movies i go like i fuck him like that's like how i react to it yeah because we're fucking pigs yeah and at netflix no matter who it is if someone has one x y chromosome we're like i'd fuck him yeah yeah like anybody's asking or wondering girl buried with the bernards dead body we're like i'd fuck him yeah like closed casket yep i'd do him and i go oh he's hot god he's hot he's hot he's hot whatever and then after a few more of these hots my friend goes why don't we just you can call out if there's someone you wouldn't have sex with and i felt so scalped because it was like a shut up during the movie

well get the fag off yeah it was a shot up during the movie and be listen. I know you're ugly and you'll fuck anyone. But those of us who have skin on our faces. Who are selective about who we, you know, we got standards. I don't like that. What do you think about breeding? The word breeding. I need to talk.

I know I need to talk to you about some stuff. I need to talk to you about how stuff right now I need to talk to you about how okay let's take a break okay I love gay I am gay I'm a gay I love gay okay gay pride whatever

I just think that did you see Mariah? no so not really gay pride I'm not that gay I think that did you see mariah no so not really gay not that okay i'm not that gay um i think that um i think we're taking it a little too we're pushing it to the limit we're pushing things to the limit things are getting pushed to the limit i watched this david attenborough um documentary on netflix about how you know this guy is 93 years old the nature documentary guy he's done millions of documentaries in nature.

He knows exactly how the world is dying. We're pushing earth to the limit. Gay people are pushing sexuality and gayness to the limit. Yeah. The breeding, the, um, the lingo,

the imagery, the imagery dump, the load dump, the, the, um, the load collecting load. This is, um, you're not, you don't have a butt.

It's a sperm bank. Yeah. Well. And I'm just, I'm concerned. I was just a concerned citizen without judgment. I'm wondering how many loads does it take? Yeah. To find. Yeah it take? Yeah. To find.

Yeah. And. Yeah. Yeah. And the way we make pride merch too, doesn't always have to call back to the bedroom. I think sometimes like a baby onesie that says top, bottom, and then like undecided. Like, I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know if as queer people we need to be immediately identified by the sex we have. Which is why it's so shocking when people ask things like who's the top or who's the bottom relationship or who's the man or the woman. It's like when you random straight person, when you see me as a gay person, your mind immediately thinks about what kind of sex do I have? That is weird. It is weird. And I think I've, and I know from like personal observation and you know, locker room chit-chatted, gay people are so wild.

They're wilding out with Nick Cannon. They really are. Everyday. It's the secret life of pets. It's the secret life of pets too. Sniffies. Sniffies. Sniffies.

It's, girl, it's, it's. It's wild. It's wilding Sniffies It's It's wild It's wild enough with Nick Cannon It really is but you know I think Sniffies is sort of the frontier It's a reversion It's encouraging knowing less about The partner it's encouraging Maybe not knowing what they look like

Maybe in public Which also I feel like is The upside it's a great boon for the ugly Do you like public sex are you turned on my public sex Maybe not knowing what they look like. Maybe in public. Which also I feel like is the upside. It's a great boon for the ugly. Do you like public sex? Are you turned on by public sex? No, I don't think so. Okay.

So if you were somewhere, let's say you were on a beach. I don't want to get arrested. Well, let's say you're on a beach and someone really hot is coming on to you. And you guys are starting to get handsy. Would you A, go along with it because it's in the moment or B be like, oh, this is better because there's excitement? Does it turn you on that someone might see you, I don't know, sucking dick in a park bench? I don't know. No, because I think I have the fear of legal action. I don't want to be labeled a sex offender. Me too. But if we,

perhaps if we lived in a world where the naked body wasn't criminalized, yes, things might be a little bit different. And I wouldn't even have this conversation in my head. We wouldn't be talking about load collecting. Have you ever had sex at a gym? No, no.

I did once. Bathhouse. Oh, okay. Bathhouse. Okay. Yeah. But that was like in brazil yeah where people were

i mean it was a place to have sex right you know what i mean have a sexy have a sex in the gym i was at a gym once and this guy came up to me and it was one of those gyms that was like day pass you had 22 day pass for the gym which i was like god it's close to it's close whatever great 22 for day pass i think is a lot yeah i think it's close to, it's close to whatever. Great. $22 for a day pass. I think is a lot. Yeah. I think it's a lot. Well, yeah. Granted, I know as a member, I'm not a member I'm getting allowed in.

I'm very thankful. Great. I'm at the gym and this gentleman comes up to me and starts talking to me. I'm like, oh, great. Oh, wow. It's like, oh yeah, this gym, whatever. And then, um, so I'm in this city and they were like, yeah, this gym is actually famously owned by like a conservative, conservative, a conservative public figure.

This, this, this gym. And it randomly is like the cruising place. And the guy's telling me this and I'm like, anyway, that's cool. And I'm so thick in the skull. I don't think I'm getting cruised. Like, I don't think I've never, I've never, you have to pay attention to get cruised and I'm never paying attention. So like, you know what I mean? You have to be like, did someone look at me?

Yeah. Yeah. They'd have to have two fingers up your ass for you to be conscious of them. Like, exactly. I have my hand pose and I'm listening to music. Like, do you remember? You know, like I have my own stuff going on. And then I'm like, it didn't occur to me that he's might be hitting on me by making me aware

of the fact that this is technically a hookup gym. And I didn't know it was a pretty empty gym but it was the middle of the day during the week so i figured they're all empty i go to the locker room the locker room's like almost like a lot of winding every day is a winding road so show crow and i'm changing and the guy who talked to me earlier comes by and he's in a towel and the towel swings open and he goes are you coming and i go get out what is this like you're on debbie does dallas yes debbie i was there to work out so i didn't know this was gonna happen so i felt almost like i would have felt pervy if i came here like right because i don't want to have sex in public it's just if you're gonna have a hookup do it in a room private

me personally i would rather do private. Yeah. And this guy's like, are you coming? And I'm like, well, I was on the way to the shower. So I guess technically I'm going to that area of the bathroom with you. Yes.

Open concept shower. No individuals, individuals with frosted glass, frosted glass. So then I'm like, well, I guess we're doing it. So then we jerked off,

but Oh, that's pretty mild, right? Yeah. I wasn't looking for it. It happened upon me that's yeah i mean sex it often does and you know i was sweating i'm sure i looked great bald and slick oh yeah i'm sure i looked like a cue ball with lashes imagine me bitch imagine me veiny beet

red eyes bulging bloodshot diva disgusting. Like a fucking, like a killer tomato. Yeah. Flying through the air. Doing handstands. Yeah, yeah. Just, there's nothing. I went to Equinox. I went to Equinox, a guest pass.

Mama, that place. You went to Hollywood? Yeah. I've never been. How is it? Let me give you an impression of what people do at Equinox. Oh, is it just like performing? It was crazy. I saw a couple of celebs not, is it just like performing? It was crazy.

I saw a couple of celebs. Who is it? Aaliyah Shawkat. And then a couple of other celebs. I can't remember. It was too crowded for me. It was nice, but it was like too crowded. They have weird shit like mint infused towels.

Oh girl, who gives a fuck? That's crazy. It was too crowded it was weird like mint infused towels oh girl who gives a that's crazy it was too crazy it was like 2 p.m on a thursday and meeting eden and i went and i was like maybe that's too crowded for me but also in l.a no one has a job so that's what she said um yeah i was like these are all actors these are all rich actors who don't have jobs so they spend they don't get up till noon right then they just work out and go home. Yeah. That's why I love Hi Matt. But wait, I have to tell you about this show that I saw. Jacqueline Novak, Get On Your Knees. At Largo. So Jacqueline Novak's a comedian, stand up.

I've heard about this show. She's been doing it for a while in New York. John Early directed it. She's in that whole crew. It's the best thing I've ever seen in my life what's it about so it's basically about blow jobs so it's ostensibly a stand-up hour and a half like a one-woman show and she is her delivery is so manic I mean the word the amount of words that spit out of her mouth are in the tens of thousands.

She's got such a, it was so virtuosic. It was like, wasn't set up punchline, set up punchline, but it was continuously funny. Sometimes hysterical. So smart.

It was like, it was so fucking fabulous. It's about blowjobs, blowjobs, giving blowjobs. And then, but so much more, it was like about the anatomy. anatomy i mean i can't even begin to describe it and guess who i was seated right in front of who elizabeth olsen oh i love that division did you say hi i did not because i was gonna goon

and say something incredibly stupid yeah i looked behind me and it was her and i was like i've never seen her in anything. Are you kidding me? One division. I don't watch a lot of superhero movies. This one division. It was the first, I hadn't seen any Marvel movies before this. One division is so good.

Do I have to know about other stuff? Absolutely not. In fact, I would say it's better that you don't. You think? Yes, I know. Cause that was my experience.

It was, it's sensational. It's sensational. It starts i know because that was my experience it was it's sensational it's sensational it starts out so crazy i'm gonna watch it i think you love it i think you love it she eats down she's so fucking good oh and she was laughing behind me and her laughter was like it was like a is it like oh it was like it was like a is it like it was like it was like a soothing angelic chapstick for my ears love that it was so fun do you like the Largo

I love the Largo because it's small and you can see everything yeah you know I've done a few like guest spots there on people's shows

and it's a really nice place to perform is it yeah I saw Sarah Silverman with David there yes that's right we should do a pod there sometime um

sure that would be great i mean i gotta tell you though if jacqueline oh jesus christ it was i mean it was so it was so good it was so crazy it was so smart so fabulous so fucking good i hope it's she i think she's gonna tape it because it's like one of her last she's been doing it for like five years or something and really very well received like critically acclaimed she's been doing it for like five years or something. And she's very well received, like critically acclaimed. She's been touring it everywhere. And I think she's filming it soon. It's she's like,

Oh my God, she's perfection. Wow. I hope it is filmed so I can see the program. Yeah. Yeah. You will. It's,

I mean, if you, if she, I think she's still touring it. If you, I'm so glad I got tickets. Eden went to see it. And then she's randomly,

I was like, Oh, I went to go. Me and Andrew went and I was like, Holy shit. That's the best thing I've ever seen in my tickets. Eden went to see it. And then she's randomly, I was like, Oh, I went to go. Me and Andrew went. And I was like, Holy shit. That's the best thing I've ever seen in my life. Wow. Yeah.

Sometimes shows just smack in the face like that. Smacked me in the face from the beginning. She comes out, uh, like a prayer in a gray, um, gray, no gray shirt,

uh, gray pants and gray sneakers with a ponytail aggressively bland yeah and then it's like it's so fucking funny it's perfect i can't wait to see it yeah you should like it i went to a taping have you ever been to a taping of a special oh you went to this era one yeah that was the one where she asked someone if they loved God enough would they drink God's cum yeah I went to Maria's taping too Maria Bamford at the Novo the Novo yeah yeah and she kind of famous well not famously but she kind of it was a little hiccupy actually it was fascinating though to witness that makes me feel better because she saw me in Belfast and I bombed she came to my show and I bombed so bad and I was

I cried in the shower after the show fuck I was on the phone with David and at different times I'm like maybe I'm just not a performer I was it was so please I mean the nature of stand-up comedy I mean she was like she had she didn't bomb but there were like a section of the show that did not make the special like she

they created the special where she started off in her house you know you saw that one I love that special it's fantastic old baby old baby exactly yeah

but there was a bunch not a bunch but like a good chunk where I was like oh this is because I went with Devin Green we were looking at each other

like oh this is interesting it's not it's not interesting fumbling the ball yeah it's hard I mean she also does extremely

I guess what you consider alternative comedy yeah and so I think by nature there's chunks of it that are just born to on one night work and on one night not work also how and i know that she has because she talks about it some of her best bits are about this very fact like uh you know flappers in atlantic city girl maria bamford you know what i mean like yes her crowd gets her her. Like this Jacqueline Novak, she's extremely intelligent. And I would say it's not for everyone. It's a kind of snobby way of saying it's like highbrow. But it's definitely not for every Tom, Dick, and Harry.

Yeah. It's niche. It's alt. When I was at Kate's Cate Berlant special, it was so small. It was like less than 50 people in the audience. i remember thinking this is the best thing i've ever seen best comedy i've ever seen yeah but not for everyone probably no no no but it made me laugh so hard but the people that it's for the people who get it get it so hard yeah they get it so like she deep dicked us kate and john worked me out and jacqueline is i think it's like a they're john

early directed the show yeah and then um do you like joe firestone that bitch works me out too i don't know her she works me out i don't know comedy i don't like it i don't i don't like it i don't like it you know it's funny i did it before COVID and I wasn't one of those people who did like car standup or zoom standup. So all my, I don't really do it anymore. And man, and I don't super miss it.

I don't like it. That's why, that's why I don't miss doing one-on-one shows either. No, no, no, no, no.

Now that I figured out that I can tour and let you and Kelly do two thirds of the work. I'm like, Hmm. Ooh, there ain't no other way. There is a way. There is a way. Oh my God. The blowjob queen.

Get on. You got to see it. It's so fucking fierce. It's so damn good. I love blowjobs. I think I'm going through a sex space. Oh my God. Again.

Another sex. Is it seasonal? My sexuality comes in like waves where I want to have sex all the time for a few weeks and then i don't think about it for a while yeah seasonal yeah and also work permitting i think too and if i wait till i'm not tired from work to have sex then i don't have sex so i just have to make it happen you gotta schedule it in gotta schedule what about people who are like when are you free i'm like next thursday at 11 a.m. Scheduling hookups? Do you think I'm on Grindr to talk about the distant future? We have to live in the moment, Jeffrey.

Well, Grindr, yes. When are you free? February. Like, what are you talking about? Right, right, right. Grindr is free. Do you do Grindr as like a now type of thing for you? Grindr is not a two-handed activity. Do you know what I mean? Oh, like the books you read with one hand. Grindr is like a now type of thing for you. Grindr is not a two-handed activity. Do you know what I mean?

Oh, like the books you read with one hand. Yeah, this is the now. We're living in the now. Do you jerk off on Grindr? I mean, I'm on Grindr because I want sex to happen. I use Grindr with one hand because the other one is writing information down. Because I don't like the touchscreen all that time. I got to have it all down on a piece of paper. Then I go look at the paper. Because I don't like the touch screen, all that task. I got to have it all down on a piece of paper.

Then I go look at the paper. Then I make my decision. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. But I don't like planning. Planning. Planning. See you next Thursday for our hookup.

But didn't we just talk about how bottoming requires at least a good deal of preparation? A good deal? Oh, you like a shitty ass? How long does it take you to douche? Are you to douche it shouldn't take longer than five minutes you can't douche in under five minutes i don't think you should be having sex i gotta talk to my fucking um colonologist yeah do you think that you my gi guy i gotta get him on the i don't get on the horn so the longer you douche you're gonna create diarrhea no no no no no no no five minutes yeah anybody. So the longer you douche, you're going to create diarrhea. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Five minutes?

Yeah. Anybody else out there? You should douche in five minutes. I mean, maybe it's because I'm a vegetarian and my poop is probably like pellet, like rabbit pellets. But I eat the rocks at the bottom of the fish bowl. Actually, I'm thinking about the food you eat. Maybe you should be douching a little longer.

Maybe I should be eating better and not having sex. Maybe I should join a convent. Let's wrap it up. Hey, listen, if I want to, the last thing I just have to say is Whitney Houston's acceptance speech for some kind of award she received at the BET in 2001 is so crazy. What'd she say? You better lay low. It's a five minute acceptance speech and I'm pretty sure she's high on cocaine.

But it's crazy. It's when she goes, Donna, Ulysses, all the names. And then she's like, and then somebody heckles her and be like, hey, you better lay low.

And it's just, it's a rattle in my head now. You can just look it up. It's great. You better lay low. You better lay low. It's really funny wow that's all hey have you watched our special yet or have you watched the tricksy and kaji live

show yet i've seen i not like the whole thing but i watched all the clips and stuff i kind of weirdly don't want to see it because i want it to live as a memory for me well it's for its footage it's like for to me it's the live stream is footage. Yeah. I've seen the footage. I've done the show. It doesn't really hold much interest in my particular brain. I want to see bloopers. There's bloopers, right? That, oh, right.

I think they have like a master cut of us messing up, which that interests me. Oh, that, that isn't the whole show though? I know. Totally. I would love to see that. I want to see the behind the, I want to see like a master cut of each of us getting off stage after our numbers. And going like, oh jesus christ des moines sucks shit yeah oh by the way shameless plug queen of the universe is out now please watch and i saw a clip i saw a clip

of um uh mel b ripping the hell out of some uh woman who i don't know i thought she's staying pretty well but um she did i mean the truth is they all sing well they wouldn't be there if they were bad also that woman was gorgeous oh giselle yeah giselle barbie royale is holy crap holy crap i think my first comment to her was i can't believe people have to compete against you i was like yeah they got us good with that lighting and mama you look skinty that was in in um the uh that dress that gold Isn't that beautiful? With the gloves. Love it. Love it.

Yeah. Love it. You look really, really good. All the girls. Next to all those women. Those beautiful women. That's what I was going to say. I'm not saying it's a high stakes scenario.

No, it's super high stakes. You could be dog city. I sit next to Vanessa Williams. Yeah. Michelle Visage. Babe. Pig in the city. You could be that.

And Mel B. I know. And I'm the only one there who does my own makeup. So I B. I know. And I have to try, and I do my, I'm the only one there who does my own makeup. So I'm like, oh God,

I hope I can pull this together. The only thing you have on them is youth and you better, you better play that card. Cling to it, honey. Cling, honey. Cling. Because they don't have the numbers.

It's, they really are. And their hair and makeup teams work them out. Well, yeah, they have probably, teams, teams.

And I don't want to be about age, but when you think of the age of those women sitting with me too. 70, 78, 75 years old. The beauty is untouchable and they are not fucking 20 years old. No, they're 75 to 85 years old. The first episode, Vanessa's in this yellow animal print sequin with a black feline shaped liner. And I'm like, I don't know her age it's not relevant to me but i'm like how old is she will you check it out i mean people like vanessa and michelle and like in mel b beauty is just beauty the number changes but you're still fucking gorgeous yeah yeah

yeah i'm yeah they're i mean it's a beautiful panel the clip you saw was giselle barbie royale she sings easy on me by adele by adele and she sings it in london in front of british people which is probably pretty scary and melby was like you shouldn't have done that melby was like you shouldn't have saying it i thought it was because i thought it was like she did a vanessa williams song um but is did anybody does anybody do that oh no i couldn't say either way spoiler sorry how vanessa williams and um melby wow 60 vanessa williams vanessa's 60 and looks just i mean i don't want to say look she looks young because that makes it seem like we don't young is prettier and young is better young is not better she looks i guess time has

just slightly slightly noticed her but she's a beautiful woman a beautiful woman yeah blue eyes blue eyes blue green eyes yeah anyway well well bye you better lay low Bye.