The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Coitus With a Waffle with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: February 6, 2024

As the morning sunshine warms my bare bottom and my feet feel the cool chill of the kitchen tile, I reach into the freezer. A blast of cold air greets me, turning my nipples so hard I could dial an iPhone. As a shiver pleasantly travels south from my torso to my abdomen to the very tip of my sheathed sword, I saunter to the counter where I insert a blueberry-kissed waffle into the tight, dark, chrome-covered hole of my toaster. A gentle cloud of warmth emanates from the glowing steel rods within, bringing with it an intoxicating aroma of fruit, sugar, and hot, fluffy passion. The shiny appliance transforms into a giver of joy as the Eggo waffle pops up from the darkness, steam rising slowly and beckoning me to grab it and caress it and swallow it whole. I temper my passion for a moment, if only to find the fortitude to instead gently place it on a plate, covering it in slick, wet butter and gooey, sticky-sweet maple syrup. As the cushiony indentations of unadulterated bliss finally touch my lips, I let out a moan from deep within my very soul, announcing to the world that it's 7am on a Tuesday and yes, Deborah...I am 100% going to f**k this waffle. Head to https://Smalls.com/BALD and use promo code BALD at checkout for 50% off your first order PLUS free shipping! Start building your credit! Open a Chime Checking account with at least a $200 qualifying direct deposit. Get started at https://Chime.com/BALD Check out SquareSpace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://SquareSpace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain! This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://Betterhelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self! DRIVE AWAY DOLLS is only in theaters February 23rd. Visit https://DriveAwayDollsMovie.com to get tickets now! LISA FRANKENSTEIN is only in theaters February 9th. Visit https://LisaFrankensteinFilm.com to get tickets now! Pure For Men is the brand for good health and good times! Made by gay men for members of the LGBTQIA+ community. Get 20% OFF with promo code: BALD20. Head to: https://puremen.co/baldandbeautiful Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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We haven't done a normal episode in a while. We surely have not. Because you had Bianca. Would you like to do one now? Yeah. And then I had Dulce. Dulce, yeah. And now it's just the girls.

That's the girls. I'm sorry. I'm not wearing my onesie, my Meghan Trainor onesie. I know that was a riveting fashion moment. I don't like to talk about celebrities. I would never do that. But I can't fucking believe that anybody would have the fucking nerve to go judge drag queens in pajamas. I can't believe if RuPaul's not doing it, I don't think you should do it.

If RuPaul says it's casual Friday and the runway theme is pajamas, even then as a judge, like if it was pajama themed runway and Michelle wanted to participate, she would do like a chic fitted, like pajama. It would be silk satin, satin jewelry and a heel. It would be the slinky, nastyin sheets are very romantic. Like animal print with jewelry and a heel. It would be the slinky, nasty, whore boudoir.

Megan said, am I a onesie fan? But not even really a onesie fan. It was more like a unicorn. You know what it reminded me of? Am I a onesie fan? Pull up in the Old Navy. Pull up in the unicorn onesie? Girl, in the unicorn onesie too?

I know. You know what it gave? It gave Jimmy Fund. Not Jimmy Fund. Who's Jimmy Fund? Jimmy Fund is like the cancer thing where like it gave like palliative youngster. Do you know what I'm saying? Gypsy.

But Gypsy Rose Blanchard turns the party. And that D is fire. It was like, we're going to the AMC. Give me the wig. Like even Gy is fire. Even Gypsy was like, we're going to the AMC. Give me the wig. Like even Gypsy knew when to turn a look. And she has the little oxygen tank sometimes. I feel like that's like a cool accessory. I don't know.

It was very perturbing. And it was not very, it did not bode well for Miss Trainer. And it's not going to age well. Don't you want to look back on judging? If you're asked to be the guest judge On a competition series It's such an honor It really is

You get paid to give your opinions And also By the way You are not an expert at drag And you're getting asked To be an expert at drag For fun You know what I mean

You're just getting asked to be an observer A fun Engaged observer Right You don't even really have to be expertise What if on Queen of the Universe Vanessa Williams was like Give me the fleece onesie Like a fun, um, engaged observer. Right. You don't even really have to be expertise. What if on Queen of the Universe, Vanessa Williams was like,

give me the, give me the fleece onesie. Like, or what if she showed up in like a Paul Revere outfit? That would be as incongruous. I feel like that would be just as a head scratcher. Yeah. Which is bizarre.

Yeah. So, and then Meghan Trainor, of course, famously went on to do like a pandering mother tune. Like, I'm not your mother or I am your mother. And I'm like, what are you doing? What are you talking about?

What did you just say? Sydney, I am your mother. Oh, I'm not your mother. No, I am your mother. You listen to me. You listen to me. All of her music is like haunted gay radio. Haunted gay radio from 1997 that mickey mouse property the steamboat steamboat mickey that's the background

track is like yes i could buy my gucci uh you know what though i i can't dog i'm a good mctrainer music megan mctrainer mctrainer yeah the manager of manager logistics i make a mctrainer i love um um i used to be big but big fat what is it no i love lips are moving lips are moving and i do what is it lips are moving is that like don't you're lying you're lying lying yeah i love that song she does write some really beautiful music i don't doubt it but i do like as a drag queen, Me Too. If I was you, I'd want to be Me Too. That's such a good drag song. I'm not familiar with that one. Who's that sexy thing?

Yes, you do. I thank God every day. That's a good drag song. She's bopping in the background. No, I don't doubt. I agree. That song was debuted to me at a drag show and the queen came out and started doing it i went oh it's a great song for drag who is this and i was like it's megan mctrainer but it could have been katherine perry i wish it was katherine perry you know megan mctrainer megan mctrainer well the manager

megan manager grande conde nast Grande Conde Nast. Ariana. Ariana. Grande Delicto. Megan Trainor. Let's move on. Yeah. I think. Cause you don't even like Katy Perry. Catherine Perry.

Yeah. Catherine McPerry. Catherine McPerry. I mean, I guess women age up in pop stardom. They should become like, you know, like Eleanor.

Mariah McCary. Mariah McCaryary, Mariah, McCary, Britney, McSpears, or Britney Von Spears, Britney,

Von Spears, um, Christina, Christina, um, uh, Aguilera, Los Aguileras,

Los Aguilertas, sort of should evolve or Christina Aguilera Von Trap. And that way it's like a woman never shares her age, but then you look up her full name and the longer it is, you're like, damn bitch, she's the a woman never shares her age, but then you look up her full name and the longer it is, you're like, damn, bitch, she's the Crypt Keeper. Although

culturally, some cultures have super long names at any age. Gabriel has a super long name. Mexicans. Gabriel has a super long name. Is Gabriel Garcia Consuela Conchita? No. No? No. Now, what about

high schools that are teaching fucking latin love love why mary unless you're gonna be a doctor well yes good point but i hadn't thought of that sats sat baby is it like i guess if you know latin really well it'll help you know a word you've never seen absolutely like okay means arm so it must arm. So it must be. Look at you. Look at that. Look at you just did. Well. Thanks to Latin. I watch a lot of TikToks.

Well, you know a lot of Latin. And you know, recently I'm trying to sound more smart. And so in addition to knowing Latin, I will be speaking with my eyes closed. Just like, just like, just. Hi, how are you? And I just, I don't want to be like, I don't want to make it a thing. But when you said good morning to me, it just kind of felt. You know what you got to do?

You got to correct people's, you got to, if people looking for the etymology of a word, you got to provide the Latin, but with your eyes closed. Yeah. Like I have to close my eyes to see the Rolodex and then spit out the word. Yeah. There's this great clip of Nene Leakes where she has her eyes closed and the whole table is talking about her money or something and she was like, let me get it right together, bitch.

Everything in my house is brand new with the tags on it named brand bitch. And she has her eyes closed. Because she's visualizing her home. All of it. All of it. It's a mind palace. Yes.

She's reading it like, I can visualize my living room, so fuck all of you. Yeah. I got the sofa. It's kitty-cornered to the ottoman and the ottoman is plush. It's a sense memory exercise.

I love that. I do love the, the strange passive aggressive, bizarre, non-confrontational confrontation of closed eyes in your face. It's strange. It's very strange. And it's learned.

It has to be learned. We don't come out with our eyes closed speaking to people. I think we do. I think it's very innate. No, I mean, it's, I I mean, I've never even heard this until you brought it to my attention like three days ago. Like, what is that? And usually the eyes closed come from, I don't know what.

I guess, let's say I forgot your name. I'd be like, oh my God. Oh, Brian. But you're searching over here. That's part of the searching, I think. Okay. But closing your eyes to seem smart is almost the connotation of like, like,

like it's smug. It is smug, but it's like also like, um, so you're ugly. Exactly. Tell us what exactly you do. Oh,

I love that. I love the, so if you can help me, what do you do? Oh my God. that. I love the... So, if you can help me, what do you do? Oh my God, I love that. It's sort of punty. Yeah, go to the customer service desk, eyes closed, Karen out. What do you mean that's the price? I thought it was

called best buy, not second best buy. No, I don't have my receipt. And yes, I'm in the wrong store, but I'd like cash and I want it yesterday. Thank you. What I don't understand is receipt. And yes, I'm in the wrong store, but I'd like cash and I want it yesterday. Thank you. What I don't understand is that you have the same ingredients as Burger King, but you can't make a Whopper. That's it. And then as soon as you open the eyes, plucked, snatching out the eyeballs.

Or the person's gone. You should go on your rant so long with your eyes closed that when you open, they've left. The shift, they clocked out. A whole new world. A whole new world. While your eyes were closed, they put you on a dolly, put you in jail. And then when you open your eyes, you're like,

you're on a shipping container bound for Greece. Thank God. I talked to a certain, well, I'll tell you later. I told a certain agent of ours about the stories we tell when they call us with an offer and we're like, here's the thing. You are going to be driving oil trucks in the sudan but the thing you got to think about here is it's not about the dollars and cents no it's more about the it's not so much exposure either because you will be exposed nude uh to the elements of course all night long but here's the

thing are you going to be neutered on public television probably yeah but here's the thing yeah uh are people going to like it not really there's is the pay great no it's gonna be fun it's not really that type of gig you know networking it's a remote thing you gotta think of the long game and by long you know you got to think of like the uh long after you're dead will you have regretted this sure but you'll be dead and think of it this way you're flying alaska there was just an accident. So the flight's going to be super safe. And you need to tell the folks at home about the pedo door mechanism. I told Dalton about it. Oh, you did? Okay. Sorry. I'm sorry. Well, can you tell me about it again? I just think it's funny that everybody on that plane, the air pressure in the plane was like

nine years old, topless, like Like, hello. I'm grooming. Boeings are grooming. Boeing. Boeing. And that kid, I'm sure, had fucking nipple tassels on. A full crossy. A crossy on. A crossy.

Ooh, the crossy. The crossy. The crossy jumped out. I just think it's funny When my son's shirt flew off He had on a two-piece bathing You're taking it to another level Because you're doing eyes up White slits

That's fierce That is really fierce That's cunty The thing about possession I love that I really think that you and I could find ghosts. Let's take a break. Turn off hesitation.

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And we're back. I just think like the people who are ghost hunting are not more qualified than us. There's no education. Well, there's an associate's always associates degree no i'm pretty sure there's a degree the thing is i know a little bit more about me guys than you do it's always someone who their backstory is one time when they were a kid they had a closet door that swung shut hello and that what that makes you the fucking the couple from um uh the the the conjuring yes does what are their names pat Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga. Love Vera. Yeah.

Miss Vera. Miss Vera Farmiga. Miss Vera and her daughter, the other. Thaisa. Thaisa. Thaisa. Great names. Love her.

Love her. I can't believe I've been chewing this so rudely. I'm so sorry. Is it Nicorette? No. Do people still do that? I don't know why. Wouldn't you just want a patch?

Cigarette flavored gum? Controversial opinion. Just don't smoke. Just don't smoke. Just do the vape. Do the vape. If it's the nicotine, you're really jonesing up. I mean, that's just my opinion.

The thing is, I once went several weeks without smoking, so I think I would know a little bit more than you. I think you do. In fact, I think you know more than I do. Are you smoking again? I am. Oh, yeah. Do you want to talk about it or no? Sure.

Yeah. So I quit for nine months. Which is a lifetime. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But here's the thing. Your body probably liked that. I think it did. Yeah.

And here's the thing about, I'm not a quitter. You know me. It's the only area where you're not a quitter. Well, I got to stay consistent somehow. My percentages, I get there. They're all over the place. So I got to punch the clock. It's time to work. Thank you. Hallelujah. Um, smoking that cig like hallelujah. Lighten it up. Like, yeah, wait, lighten up like Nancy dream. So we're going to say no, I, cause you were out, you were going outside in the winter at our shows

and I thought I know she's not going out there for the environment I thought she must be smoking yeah no that was not very pleasurable I gotta say not very pleasurable

I did not have half a cigarette Pittsburgh was cold oh my god it was minus 10 with the windshield yeah Philly was much more tolerable the day before

yeah but it was still quite chilly Pittsburgh was cold Pittsburgh was the fruits of the devil. It was, it was rotting. Philly, I was walking around like,

I don't know why people complain about the cold. I kind of miss it. I like the cold air on my face. Pittsburgh the next day, the wind. Oh yeah. I was like, Oh yeah.

It was horrible. It was horrible. But of course I, but you know, fun fact, because I went out to smoke, um, and, and, and listen, you can call me a smoker.

You can call me not a smoker. I don't care. It doesn't really concern me. It doesn't really matter. But, um, I will quit again, but I was smoking outside and that's where I found the Bobert guy. So tell the story that we were, I mean, I was outside smoking and then I was chit chatting. Um, the um this group of gays walked by and they're like i bet she's not out here she doesn't smoke anymore and they

were talking about me with mid cigarette in my mouth it was almost like a movie it was it was like very surreal and i was like uh and they looked at me they're like oh shit and then two other people walked by and they're like hey i love you i was like yeah yeah great and um and i was like coming to the show like no and um and they were like, hey, you know what, though? I was in the theatrical production of Beetlejuice when Lauren Boebert got jerked off, fondled, and was heckling. I was like, this cannot be true. The heckling is the real, that's the real issue I have.

Vaping, heckling, heckling. So unruly, so rude. I mean, the titties fondled, yes. The pussy jerked off, yes. Sure, it's a theater. The blowjobs, the handjobs, the fisting, the Chinese aphrodisiac. The Sibian.

The Sibian. Straddling the Sibian hooked up to a car battery. Hello. Blowing out all the lights, the power going out on one side of the theater. The power strip with a surge protection with a Hitachi the size of a Prius. Yeah, the smoke coming up from the outlets.

That's fine. Totally. The nipple clamps. Yeah, the smoke coming up from the outlets. That's fine. Totally. The nipple clamps. Yeah, the nipple clamps, the hardwired, the e-stim. Yeah, definitely. The e-stim patches. The chatterbait of live feed. The live feed. But the heckling is a bridge too far. I just can't do that. I don't like that. Even if the show is

patently bad, you sit and you respect the program you fuck or you get the fuck out of there quietly you and i believe things that aren't if some if a movie is a nine out of ten i'm ready to leave mama if it's a 12 out of 10 yeah i want to leave i know i you know it yeah it's just really it's truly puzzling and um well you know i guess that's just the mystery of being a congresswoman being a performerwoman. Being a performer. I one time was in P-Town. This is like 2016.

And I don't think I ever even told you this, but I was in a situation where I heard someone talking about me like two feet away. Bad? It wasn't at the time. It wasn't bad. But at the time I did take it a little personal. Okay. At full disclosure, at the time, this is like 2016.

My first summer in P-Town, 2017. They said they were leaving my show or they didn 2016, my first summer in P town, 2017. They said they, they were leaving my show or they didn't see my show that night. And they were like, she was actually really good. And they were, and I was like, Oh yeah. And they were like,

I don't think she's gonna be very good without Katya, which was, so it was like a compliment, but a compliment that I, that they would have never said to my face, of course. And I guess the story of that is I, they left,

they came in there not expecting it to be good. But that's a good thing. But I was walking behind them and I should have tapped them on the shoulder and said, is that what you think? Is that what you think, little faggot on vacation? Are you guys going to go to the beach tomorrow and get some seashell? I have heard some

secondhand commentary about me that I is just it's never fun. Sometimes at just, it's never fun. Sometimes at theaters, fun people, not fun. People don't know at theaters. Sometimes the exit doorway hallway is sometimes adjacent to the backstage.

And sometimes when people are leaving and walking loudly discussing what they just saw, I remember one show, the band was all behind a door, but their ears and I was, they're still in their show outfits. And I was like, what are you guys doing? They're like, shh, they're talking about the show.

And I was like, I don't want to hear it. No. I don't want to be a part of it. No, no, no, ma'am. No, it's not. You know, the peanut gallery is the peanut gallery. You got to, you got to. Because whatever they're going to say about the show, I have to do the show tomorrow. It's also, it's done.

It's done. What happened, happened. What happened, happened. And if you're really like jonesing for some constructive criticism, you can ask a colleague. If I'm press stepping at the door and I hear, she really can't sing. Yeah. I have about 24 hours before curtain again. Yeah. How am I

going to call Celine? You could, but she wouldn't answer. I really wouldn't call Celine at this point in time. You know what? I mean, cause yeah. What are you going to do? There's like, there's like, well, she was super fat. She couldn't sing.

I didn't laugh. Very ugly. Too much money. Yeah. Too much money. So what are you going to do with that? What are you going to do with that? Go back on stage the next day and do the same show

in the same outfits. Hello. What if they're like, I hated all the clothes. I'm like, well, Oh man. Have you ever read,

do you read reviews of your shows? No, I'm not important enough to get reviewed. No, no, no. I'm not talking about like the New York times, like theater section,

but I'm like, Oh, I have YouTube, Reddit, Twitter, things of that nature. When I did Austin city limits, I remember reading a review that said that it was the,

they called my show, the sleeper hit, which is also backhanded. Cause it's like, uh, we didn't think it was going to be anything. This turd was a floater. Yeah. Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait, actually, what does sleeper hit mean exactly? Like it meant like there was a lot of people there to see me and they, and they liked it. But I remember at that gig,

I was in a tent that was not made for how many people. So I was, it was outdoor music show, 98 degrees and drag. Oh, love, I was in a tent that was not made for how many people. So it was an outdoor music show, 98 Degrees and Drive. Oh, love. Hour and a half show. And it was a tent for maybe a thousand. And there was so many more people. And those tents are usually built for sound just in the tent.

So I also felt bad because anybody outside the tent probably barely hear me. Anyway, and then one time I did a comedy festival and I saw a bad review. And what did that look like? You don't have to say it, but was it like a... I don't even want to say the headline because I remember it and it was cutting. But I don't want to say it because I don't want people to search for it. Of course not. I worked so hard to discover it from the internet myself. Fierce.

But also with drag, it's not that I don't care about it being good. I'm always like, what did you expect? Also, like, I came to see the man dressed as a woman up close with a karaoke machine and a Red Bull. I know. Janet Maslin from the New York Times is plucked. This is the Renaissance bald.

Renaissance balls. Like, it's not, it's not, I guess, luckily for drag shows, I think you and I present ourselves pretty truthfully And what they see online is what they get in person

I think that there's no grand shock We're not We don't have something blurring our hairlines We don't have Editing of completely new jokes Like who we are is who we are I mean but that clip of Lana Del Rey Being scooped up in the sheet,

the white sheet at that folk festival. Have you seen that one? Of course. Now that's something. Yeah. That's something I would love to review. You know, because that's very, I feel like that energy is kind of like, oh, that's kind of a curveball.

She's fun. She is fun. She's fun. And also, let me tell you something about Miss Del Rey as of late. For the Skims campaign. Did you live? I lived. She looks fun. She's fun. And also, let me tell you something about Miss Del Rey as of late. For the Skims campaign. Did you live? I lived. She looks great.

She looks fabulous. I mean, her face, her beauty, her facial beauty has never been something that anyone has divided on. She's a quite beautiful woman. She's always been beautiful. Yeah. Always, always, always. And her sister. Totally.

Totally. And I think that, you know, I wouldn't be so crass or crude or vulgar to, you know, to make any assumptions about any work that she may or may not have done. But she looks healthy. She looks fabulous. She looks gorgeous. And it looks like she's having some fun. Thank God. Yeah. Did you know that there's a tunnel under ocean Boulevard with a sail for skims? Don't forget me. I love that song. Do you? No.

Fuck me to death. Love me until I love myself. That shit makes me cry. It's fierce. That shit makes me cry. Did you read the Ann Powers thing yet? No, I didn't.

You got to understand that it doesn't seem like a fun read. You are going to love it. Alana Del Rey deep dive, an N it. Alana Del Rey Deep Dive? An NPR-themed Alana Del Rey Deep Dive? Oh, mama. But this music critic, she's like the best of the best. Okay, I'll read it. You will love it.

Trust me, you will not regret it. You will love it. I wouldn't send you crap like that. Well, I'm currently reading Stephen King's The Long Walk. Okay. I have never read it, didn't know anything about it. David handed it to me and said, you should read this. Is this one of the new news?

No, I think it's old because it's when he was writing under the name Stephen Hawking. He had a fake name. He had a fake name. Stephen Hawking. It was like Sidney Applebaum or some shit. Sidney Applebaum? It's like a fake. My name is Sidney Applebaum and here's my short story.

It's about, I think it predates the Hunger Games. It's about, I think it predates the Hunger Games. It's Hunger Games adjacent where it's about annually a bunch of teenage boys sign up for the long walk, which is where hundreds of men walk until they die. And the winner is like rich beyond their wildest dreams. It's kind of like the AIDS walk. And they walk across America and people are like clapping like a parade. And if they slow down at all, they get shot. So people start getting shot. And it's just they slow down at all, they get shot. So people start getting shot.

And it's just a slow read waiting for people to get shot. But I read it in the bathtub. Have you read The Running Man? You might love that. I feel like you might love that. Is it about running? It's like the same scenario pretty much. I'm off the running, girl.

I have runner's knee. The internet says it can take six weeks to heal. I'm on day three. I agree listen you gotta just you gotta pivot you gotta do it nice and did you know about this album i do how about the job this is as straight as it gets you're fucking kidding me i'm not this is as straight as it gets who can we call what's gonna happen um well it's gonna be it's gonna be exacerbated tendinitis that is going to go into the ligaments and then of course we're going to have... Why did you go to an x-ray? I went to Koreatown.

You did? I went to Koreatown for an x-ray. For the imaging place? Yes. Have you been there? Oh, baby. Are you talking about... Oh, yeah. Shit-ass imaging right over there in Koreatown. Are you talking about Saw? You want to talk Saw?

You want to talk person? Oh I don't know Do you want to talk about waiting two hours for a fucking image? Oh I waited 15 minutes Oh well Must be nice Huge celebrity It was actually not a bad experience

What was the place called? Some kind of imaging center I don't know Some kind of imaging center They were nice to me other than they were like Do you have have prescription? I thought to myself, do you think I'm here to get an x-ray for fun?

Yeah. Do you think this is a walk-in special, like a bang trim? Well, don't go to RadNet. I'll tell you that. Beverly Hills, baby.

You'll get your x-ray in like three to six, nine months, three to six, nine months. No. Yeah. You're already on their deathbed. They're like,

we got the, it was cancer. So we got the... It was cancer. So we got the images. I know he passed, but... So what's going on? So what's going on? What's the prognosis? So this is a normal arm.

Love. This is my other arm. Busted. This is straight as it goes. Old maiden type elbow. I think... Well, I went to get an x-ray, and they said it looks all normal.

They said I might have pulled a tendon with like a backpack or suitcase at the airport. Tennis elbow? Yeah, I guess. Do you jerk off Tennis elbow? Yeah, I guess. Do you jerk off with that hand? Yeah, but I don't jerk off that much. Okay, okay, okay, okay. So they said it's fine.

I have to go to a physical therapist to learn how to open up this thing. It looks good. Just snap it? Just kind of. Well, both my knees and this and the TMJ. Girl. Liver failure. It's got to be liver failure.

I haven't been trying to have sex recently, but I don't even think I could suck dick. Because my mouth can't open. Well, you don't have to do the sucky dicky. You could have the thing up the bum bum. We have to have teeth removed? Yes. So we're going to have to get the elbow transplanted, the teeth removed, the knees knocked out, paraplegic.

It's okay. And you'll just live a whole new life. Well, I went back to the dentist today because Dr. Sun's been making me... This health trauma is almost too much. Are you on the verge of a nervous breakdown? Well, I thought two knee joints, an elbow joint, and a jaw joint.

I obviously have liver failure. Something's wrong. Or AIDS. So I've been going to all my little doctors and the knees, the pain of the knees, I hate that. So I've been going to all my little doctors And I The knees The pain of the knees I hate that I know

And you know I run two or three miles every day So it's weird that it started hurting Because it's never hurt before I've been running for four years But if you think about just the cumulative Strain and stress on the joints You know what I think it was? Liver failure.

I haven't been doing endurance runs. I run a few miles a day, but I haven't been running 6, 8, 10, 12 miles. When I was home in Milwaukee, I did like a six and a half-er, which is pretty long for me right now. Oh, anywhere I practice. And I think my body's like, well, can I breathe, bitch? Let me eat my food. But the thing is, I'm so psychologically dependent on running that for a few days of no running,

I'm like climbing the walls. But you can, I mean, Mary, you, you more than anybody, I'm telling you, guaranteed, you will be able to transfer this, this physical thing for another physical thing like that. You think? Because I can't use my arms. I thought I'm going to lift weights. This hurts. You're going to do like Pilates, that mat stuff.

Like it can be very satisfying. It's very, it's very fun. It's like fine technique. So it keeps you interested. And it's also extremely good for your like everything. You think I could call Brock and be like, I can't use either of these knees or this elbow or this dog. Can we work out?

Abso-fucking-lutely you could. I went to the dentist today and they use this device to measure how much your mouth is opening. and it opens two millimeters more than last week because that's something that's a win let's celebrate that i started sleeping with a dental splint i sleep with a large acrylic tray in my mouth so that my mouth can't close more than this while i'm sleeping that's that's kind of funky what does it look like? It looks like I have big hot glue on my teeth It's like a cloudy white Like a mouth guard?

Oh that's cunty girl Because I'm thinking about getting braces again But I'm just over it The dentist was like you do too much And I was like well now what? Are you Dave? A claims free hybrid driving university grad who signed up online? Well, Dave, this jingle's for you.

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Well, what about a hobby that's a little bit less joint straining and maybe more like joint smoking? Well, can I tell you what happened to me the other night, please? I'm just going to say where I was now that I'm out of the state. Okay. I was in Pennsylvania. What did you call it before, Mark? Pencil, Pencilmania? He said Pennsylvania. I said, Pencilmania. The pencil. Pennsylvania? He said Pennsylvania. I said, Pennsylvania? He was like, how was Pennsylvania?

I said, what kind of stationary life do you think I live? I love to draw. Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania. When I got marijuana. Yeah. It was illegal. Yes.

And they brought me gummies and I said, great. 150 milligrams. Each gummy was 100. And they brought me 12. So I said, great. 150 milligrams. Each gummy was a hundred. And they brought me 12. So I said, who are you? I said, I'm here for two days. What do you think? What do you think?

Are you trying to like. The first night I took a little, like maybe a third of it. I thought 30 is a little high, but all I'm doing is going to bed. I thought all I'm doing is go to bed. Worst case, turn up all sleep. I'm in a hotel room. I'm with my girls. I'm with my girls. So then thest case, turn up all sleep. I'm in a hotel room. I'm with my girls. I'm with my girls.

So then the second night, I think I got confident. I think I got cocky, confident, fierce, sickening, and boots. Boots. So boots number seven. So I take, I kind of forget that it's not candy a little bit. And it's a hundred. So I did about half of it. Oh, that's a lot. It's a little hot.

That's a lot. And then when it starts to hit, I kind of am underestimating it. So I go, you know what? I have this joint too. I'm going to smoke this joint. So I just want to say, Hey, so I go outside, it's cold, right? It's like two little drags. Just one drag. Yeah, totally. And I just feel vulnerable telling you about you know drug use and some of the unexpected effects i've never know anything about it to me i'm just so curious so i get up to my hotel room and i'm like i'm like let's go girls girl i have my headphones in i'm dancing dancing dancing in the room i was dancing that's great i was dancing to this amazing remix

by uh cesar castilla he does this amazing remix by Cesar Castilla. He does this amazing remix of Funky Town that I have to show you. Please do it. So you got to imagine you're kind of high on marijuana and you and I are supposed to leave in the morning. I'm in the hotel room like, right? And then, but then it starts to. She's winding it back. It's that thing where you lift up a plate and you start walking as a server to the table and you underestimate how hot it was.

So then you start walking faster because your fingerprints are burning off. While I start to audibly say to myself, you're fine, which is such a good sign. You start telling yourself you're fine. I'm like, you're fine. No, no, no. It got, it's a metaphor. I wasn't working at a restaurant. I was like, when did she become a waitress?

She really is busy. Oh, I see what you mean. I'm at the IHOP trying to get someone their chocolate chip pancakes. I hate chocolate chip pancakes. I don't like them either. I don't like chocolate chip pancakes. What's your dream breakfast, hon? I'd rather have plain pancakes. What's your dream

breakfast? A dream breakfast. Two eggs, scrambled. Me too. Vegetarian bacon. He's a white toast with butter. And then I love Like a blueberry Eggo waffle Honey We could be eating breakfast Blueberry Eggo waffles

If you as an adult Have not had an Eggo waffle in a while Yeah Sit down Put your whole fucking fat cock in there Yeah And swirl it around in the syrup Stick the toaster up your fucking ass

Slide those Eggos in there press the button and then wait yeah and you know david's mom visited for christmas and i said what do you want for breakfast and she said i love like a little eggo blueberry waffle in the morning i said great i'll buy you some i bought like three boxes because i want her to know i'm here for you but she didn't need any so when she left i started eating them and i was like aren't't these good? Every morning. I wake up and I make eggs, toast, bacon for myself and waffles. Now when you make eggs, when you scramble these eggs up, what exactly is the process? I just put them in there and like, well, I'll make potatoes first. And while the onions and the potatoes are finishing frying, I crack eggs over it.

And then it's like a scramble. A scramble. But I got to go back to what happened. So I get so, I guess guess overwhelmed yeah but also not scared i'm like no you're caught nothing's gonna happen to me but i'm swept up in the drama that i it's one of those hotel suites that has one bathroom another bathroom a bedroom and a living room you know the suites yeah yeah and i'm in the suite and i'm going this is like so stupid sounding Where's the bed in this room And then I'm like I'm not in the bedroom

I need to go lay down The fact that I thought why isn't there a bed in this hotel room Damn That's when you know Every kiss begins with K I've been in the shower And I'm like I'll pee And then I'm like should I poop

No But I have to I've been in the shower and I'm like, I'll pee. And then I'm like, should I poop? No. But I have to like, I have to, I have to say, oh no, don't do that. No, no, no. You better chill. Yeah. To what end? To what end? To what end?

I mean. So then I go lay down and I was watching 90 Day Fiance. There's this couple. This stress factor. This stress factor. This, this, I could not watch one minute of the show I would get

stressed out baby girl with the braids I gotta tell you about someone Samit who's a man from India yes

he's 30 his betrothed is a 63 year old blonde woman from Palm Springs named Jenny Jenny Jenny

Jenny what are you doing baby and normally typically on these shows, it's people coming to the States to be with their betrothed. Jenny's leaving her life behind to go to India. 63-year-old blonde woman.

She wants to do this. Yeah, yeah. She gets there. And this is a bit of a spoiler alert, but they've been a famous couple on TV for years, so I don't think it's a spoiler. Get into this, Miss Honey Girl. Like, really get into this.

Thank you. So they're doing their interviews you know the in the beginning of those dating shows it'll be like i met jenny online we started talking and so his storyline is um i told her my name was michael jones because at the call center i worked at the fake american name i used is michael jones okay and he said originally i sent her a different picture of someone. Catfish. Yeah. And he says, eventually, I started to fall in love with her. I had to be honest. Hi, I'm not Michael Jones.

And that's not a picture of me. That's so cool. So he goes on FaceTime with her. And she's like, oh, my God, you're so handsome. I don't mind. So that's fun. Okay. Well, she's 63.

Not exactly. And she's from the desert. Everyone's so sun damaged. She's like, oh, my God. Leather bag. Thank you. On feet. Yeah.

So then fast forward. Jenny comes, right? She comes to India and he's like, in India, you still live with your parents. And when you marry your wife, your wife moves in with you and your family. He's like, I haven't told my mom or dad about Jenny yet. So she's going to live in an apartment across town and I'm going to visit her while she's here before I break the news. So for the first week, Jenny's like, I left my whole family, my whole life here. And you're seeing me like once a week for a quickie. What the fuck?

Jenny was like, you're starting to make me feel like I'm your mistress. Like, why are you ashamed of me? Guess what, bitch? Guess what, bitch? It cuts to the producer going, so it's an on the flight interview. Producer goes, tell us exactly what happened yesterday. Jenny goes, I'm at my apartment. A man knocks on the door and he goes, hello, Jenny.

I'm Sumit's wife's father. He's been married for two years and our whole family found out about you and they're on their way here because they want to ask you some questions. So she's in her apartment. Sumit's like, lock the doors. Because Sumit's like, oh my God, the jig is up. Right. In India, what I've learned from the show is divorce is a majorly like family shame. Like it's not an option. Divorce is drama bigger than here. Here it's like you marry who you love and you get divorced if you're not in love anymore. In India, the way

they portrayed on the show is you get married in an arranged marriage and you never divorce. So he's like, it cuts to his interview. And he's like, I lied the whole time. I married in an arranged marriage and you never divorce. Damn. So he's like, it cuts to his interview. So how, and he's like, I lied the whole time. I was in an arranged marriage. I met Jenny beforehand and then I got match made and had to marry this woman. But I kept talking to Jenny and I,

Jenny left her whole life to go there. And he wasn't even honest that he had a wife and I felt bad for him cause it's arranged. And I watched Indian matchmaking. I learned a lot about, okay, but, but, but, but by the way, the divorce rate, 60% in America, the divorce rate for arranged marriages is like less than 3%. But that's partially because it's in societies where divorce is not a cute option. Sure. Sure. Right. So then his whole family, including the wife shows up and they're screaming saying we could send Sumit to jail and we could

send you to jail for this. And she doesn't even have American friends. She's crying. 63-year-old woman. 63-year-old Indian. And this 30-year-old guy's like, sorry. She probably got diarrhea. I hope. Damn. That is so nightmarish.

They stay together. Mama, they stay together. Several seasons. Still together. Mama, they stay together. Several seasons. Still together. Love wins. Love wins. Can you believe... No, I cannot believe that.

The murder of you to go on TV, sit in an interview chair and say, well, I just love Jenny. Is it because it's... And he never mentioned... And then I thought, did the producers know he was married? And then played dumb to get her there? I think so. I think so. Because David Silver was like, I bet the producers knew.

And I was like... I was like, he produces Trixie Motel. I'm like, how often do you lie to me her there? I think so. Because David Silver was like, I bet the producers knew. And I was like, he produces Trixie Motel. I'm like, how often do you lie to me, bitch? Hello, that part. That part. That motel isn't even a motel.

Now I'm like, is David married to a woman in India? Yeah. Her name is Praneep and she's a big, she's a big tittied Bollywood porn star. She's better looking than me. Yeah.

Well, that's the kicker is finally Jenny meets his real parents and they're like, we will never accept you. star. Yeah. Well, that's the kicker is finally, finally, Jenny meets his real parents and they're like, we will never accept you. Love. They're like his, they're like his real wife is young and beautiful. You're old and a flop.

And they literally in front of her in Indian, cause she can't speak it. They're going, look at her. She's old. She can't give him kids. This is a joke. And she's just like,

and he's like lightly translating, but, but like interpreting it in a less offensive way.'s so it's so cunty but i but i like naan i know i like chicken masala in 90 day it's not always like this sometimes and you can tell he loves her you can tell like he's in none of us have been in arranged marriage so i'm sure there's a lot of moving parts there that's of course yeah but i learned from shows, like, usually the combination is doughy white guy who exaggerates his wealth to get like a Ukrainian model. I was going to say like an 18-year-old Ukrainian girl. 18-year-old Ukrainian, like pussy titty model. Yeah, pussy titty.

Pussy titty. She models are pussy and titty. Or it's like a mom-aged woman who's like an empty nester who meets like a hot, young. Black guy. Yeah. Black guy, Latin guy, whoever. And it's always a white lady. Yeah.

And it's always a young, hot, non-white guy. And is it electric, the chemistry? I think sexually it is. Okay. But then it's two different cultures, two different ages. The chaos is no matter what you do, it's coming. Do you, do you, now when you're watching these shows, do you get stressed out or do you just love it?

Cause I get stressed. When that edible got, got miss Ellen McPherson, Ellen McPherson with me, Miss Ellen McPherson, when she, when she strapped in, I went, okay, we have to switch shows. Cause I started to feel like I was in the room with them. I started to be like, what are we going to do?

And I was like, that's not me. I'm not them. It's very, very, very tough to watch. So I had to switch over to a comfort program. I switched over to The Office and watched it with the volume off in bed. I thought you were going to say like My 600-lb Life. No. But I started to get too invested.

Yeah. I mean, I watched a clip of My 600-lb Life the other day and it was just wild. Well, then I showed the show to David. My 600-pound life? No, no, no. 90 Day Fiance. You've got to watch Thousand Pound Sisters. Probably my size, Amy.

I think that's what it was. She said, I've tried everything. The doctor's like, well, it's not really possible for you to gain 90 pounds on the way to the hospital from your car. Girl? But I did. I did. I did. 90 pounds. All of those shows

where they are saying, I've been on a diet, but they've gained weight. Why lie to the doctor? Why are you lying to a doctor standing on a scale? That's the people you should be honest with. I know. I don't know. Because they're trying to help you. Yeah. It's kind of cool. They're trying to help you. It's not cool, but it's

fascinating to me. I want to sometimes reach to the screen and be like, now's the time to be patently honest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're trying to get from point A to point B. Yeah. So a girl on Thousand Pound Sisters, one of them was like, at the doctor, and she's like, I think I'm pregnant too. And the other one's like.

And the doctor goes, why do you think you're pregnant? And she says, I'm having weird cravings. And the doctor goes, why do you think you're pregnant? She says, I'm going to have a weird cravings. And the doctor goes, like what? And I get this close to the TV. 85 inch TV, you've seen it. I'm this close. I look like I'm in a movie theater. They're this close to me.

They're huge. Well, and on the screen. So she goes, I'm going to have weird cravings. The doctor goes, cravings for what? And Tammy goes, I just been wanting water. And Amy, her sister goes, and it goes to Amy's talking head. She goes, craving for water?

Bitch, you're thirsty. You're not pregnant. You're not pregnant. You're thirsty. That's so fierce. It's so fierce. I think I'm pregnant. Why? Because I've been trying to drink water. Yeah. Well, it's the strangest thing. I got up and then I, you know know i had to sit back down it's fierce it's fierce it's really fierce oh damn you gotta get into those shows 90 day is

i can't because you know what it is i i feel like um i don't know i'm such a uh such a wimp when it comes to like exploitation is it because you're an empath no No And you take on the energy No, I recently met someone who described themselves As a sentient empath And I think a good rule of thumb If you ever encounter such a person Is to just do a little 180 degree turn And then just run like hell the other direction That's my

You're an unpath Unpath Why don't I watch you so upset? Well her whole family was murdered I'm a centipede unpath. Unpath. We're like, why don't, why she's so upset? Well, her whole family was murdered. I'm a centipede unpath. A sentient. If you ever say to me that you were a sentient empath, was it a porn person?

No, it was, um, well, the first time it happened, it was this, um, cause the porn people love to be witchy.

They do. And I can get, I can, I can dig that. But this was a yoga teacher in Massart in the basement for a five five dollar yoga class and she said I'm a sentient empath and then she taught one of the worst classes I've ever taken in my life and I was like can't you feel the energy bitch you can't feel that you can't feel how much we hate this I guess you don't taste that you don't taste that

that shit in the air anyways it's just wild stuff I I like um I really really Really Want to fucking See that goddamn The fucking Poor things movie Why don't you go To the theater You don't like the movie theater huh It's too long But the food

You like the snacks I do I love the popcorn I have gone to some shit movies Because of popcorn David took me to see The live action Beauty and the Beast I basically ate the popcorn

In the lobby Live action Beauty and the Beast. I basically ate the popcorn in the lobby. Live action Beauty and the Beast? With Emma Watson. Oh, brother. Those hot nasty pretzels get me together. They get me right together. The fucking chips. They get me right together. And when they have like at the oh yeah, the AMC

I go to the Universal CityWalk AMC and they have the butter thing. The problem they gotta figure out the butter situation because the universal city walk amc and they have the butter thing the problem they gotta figure out the butter situation because the top one inch oh wet i know wet ass popcorn wet yeah wet everything underneath my dry drier than the sahara brambles and then mud brambles and mud yeah a muddy topping over brambles what we need to do what they do at milkshake places where like it mixes it like they need to make popcorn that gets evenly buttered. They should do nine day,

90 day, um, buttered popcorn fiance. 90 day fiance. I am actually glad you're not into it because, um, I, then I get married.

You don't watch any like shit reality, do you? No, I like dramas and I like comedies. I mean, I started watching the, um, uh,

the, the, the curse. That's pretty kooky. The curse. I like dramas and I like comedies. I mean, I started watching the Curse. That's pretty kooky. The Curse. The Curse? The Curse with Nathan Fielder and Emma Starn. Oh, not seen it. No, it's good white people stuff. Love Nathan Fielder.

Oh, yeah. The rehearsal. Oh, yeah. The rehearsal. Did you love it? It's wild. The way I crawled under his big milky udder and suckled. That show was fucking amazing.

It blew my mind. I was watching it on a plane. You loved The Curse Then. And I loved it so much. I was looking around at other people being like, did you? Is anybody? You got to watch The Curse Then because Mary, guess what? The whole premise is that this insufferable Instagram couple does a HDTV show. Yes.

Trixie Motel? Honey, it's a little on the painted nose. You will gag and she's so Oh, God, you will love it. Is it Emma Stone? Emma Stone. I feel like she has a little

It's a little bit Drew Barrymore. Emma Stone. A little bit. I watched her in House Bunny recently. Have you seen House Bunny? Shemore. Emma Stone. A little bit, maybe. I watched her in House Bunny recently. Have you seen House Bunny? She's in Emma Stone's House Bunny? Yeah, she plays the leader of the sorority. Oh, fierce.

Oh, I was watching little scary movie clips the other day with Miss Anna Faris. God damn, they don't make them like that anymore. Anna Faris. If we can ever get her on the pod. I doubt it. I would die. She's so funny.

Bitch. She's very, very funny. For her to walk on set and swing that big, fearless. The word is fearless. Brown hair. The whole movie, though. The Wayans brothers. I know. Miss Regina. A lot of the gay stuff. I love it in that gay stuff. The fingering each other's butts and stuff.

I know we're not allowed to make fun of gay people anymore. No, of course we can. That era scary movie where the joke is that he's gay is so funny. I love it. I love it. I don't care how juvenile or low hanging fruit it is. I love it. Every movie theater just needs a gay person to do like a,

we come to this place for magic to go like, I need Frankie Grande to walk into the AMC city walk and be like, tonight's feature will have gay jokes. And I'm here to let you know that it's okay. Also, do you remember in Dude, Where's My Car where Ashton Kutcher and Sean... Sean William Scott. They French kissed it

at the red light. I loved that. And I jerked too. I shertingly did as well. I shertingly did as well. I stroked my little cocklet. Shirt. I put on my best turtleneck. I pulled it down to my knees.

And then I rubbed it through the sweater. Right. Because I've seen your dick. It's like a raisin in the sun. Nature's candy. Nature's candy. I don't ever want to see it this way. Nature's candy.

Nature's candy. Nature's candy. Nature's candy. Oh, the Titanic. 75,000 people died. That's not how many people. 75,000. No, the Titanic was like 1,200. Titanic, no survivors.

Honestly, hot take. Titanic was not that many people. Cold take. Like, honestly, it was like, what, the Globe Theater? Like, I have more people there for Halloween. They were really not a thing. 75,000 people perished. The Titanic. That's not true.

No, it's not true. A boat? I'll just say this, though. What did you think? Best case scenario. You're on this boat for weeks. To be fair, they had the unsinkable Molly Brown on board. False advertising, if you ask me.

Was she called that before the boat? I believe she was. She was hired. She wasn't even going, you know, she was hired as like a spiritual buoy for that boat. I want to be on her PR team when the boat sank. So the issue is we call her unsinkable and there she is on the sinking boat.

So what are we supposed to tell our investors? Maybe the undrownable Molly Brown. That water was probably so cold. I know. Brandon does the polar plunge every year. He jumps in Lake Michigan. But that's different I feel like because he can get out. No, I think the polar plunge is exactly like the Titanic.

Oh, it's in the middle of the Atlantic, right? Yeah. It's in the middle of the Atlantic and I think it's at night. And it's no cell phones and everyone's in like corsets. Yeah. A lot of layers. A lot of layers. A lot of layers. I haven't seen that movie

in so long. Gibson Girl Updues. Gibson Girl Updues. That movie is sad. It's so fucking long, girl. And sad. Yeah. I don't watch that.

I don't watch Brokeback. Nothing too sad. Well, again, with the Brokeback, I just can't get past it. You can't spit in your hand and then just shove it in. I don't care how teeny

or tiny your little winnie is. You know what I mean? But it's not like they had gun oil on the side of the mountain, bitch. No, so they just need to do blowjays. Maybe they had TMJ. Could be. Intercurral for your nerve? Intercurral?

I don't know. Do people get dick enlargements? They do, right? Are you joking? Do it work? Yeah. I was, I told you,

there's a, you know, silicone. Oh, you're talking about like not silicone. No, no, I'm talking about like lengthening treatments.

Oh yeah, they've got to. What about the short, the short straight guys who break their legs and add length? Liv. That is so fucking wild. It's so cunt. That is so fucking wild. It's so con. That is so con.

It is so, it is so much pain. It is so much, um, rigmarole. It's so expensive for really a maximum, like two inches. The other thing is,

even if you've got a few inches, you're going to look feminine because long legs and a short torso is more of a feminine shape. At a certain point, you're going to be Miss Naomi Smalls. No, no, two inches.

If there was eight inches, then legs overhead, like a pretzel. But, but I mean, but think about this. So I was thinking about this the others. No, no. Two inches. If there was eight inches, then legs overhead like a pretzel. But I mean, but think about this. I was thinking about this the other day. Like if you have a guy who's 5'7 and a guy who's 5'9, it's just a huge difference. It is? Yes.

It is. I don't think it's right. I don't think it should be, but it just very much is. 5'7 is short but five nine is not five nine is pretty much average height for a male in a good point you know it's a really good point but five seven but also in gay world you can find gay guys who like short guys i'm talking about men men and women but i mean men and women world yeah are there a lot of girls who like short guys no No. No, right?

Unless you're a tall girl and you're used to everyone being short, you don't care, do you? I think if you're a tall girl, you're looking for other tall people. And it's a- To take back to the tribe. Yeah. To take back to India for that 90-day fiance reunion. In short, no pun intended,

tall girl used to be a great store now it's no longer there what's the healing process of having your femur snapped it's an extended it's fucking horrible my god it's horrible it is not it's a gruesome grisly recovery it's not easy you have to take off like eight months in amanda lapore's book doll parts i don't feel weird spilling this tea because it's in a public book she talks about having let let's say, certain ribs altered in the process of letting them heal smaller. Yeah. I believe she did it in Mexico and she talked about how long it

took. Yeah. I think she spent like a long time on her back. Yeah. I think we've all spent a long time on our back. She got new boobs though. Shout out to Amanda's new boobs. Thank God. She was so flat chested. I know. God. Now she won't get bullied on the schoolyard.

Let's hope. I don't know if she's made like a coming out announcement, but the difference if you're Amanda follower is so profound. I mean, I think all the eighth graders in her school pretty much notice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

She looks sensational. She always does. As always. She's a living legend, a vision, a goddess. A hundred percent. She's amazing

I would love to have her on the pod someday I don't think she comes to LA very often I would love to have her on my TV screen In a documentary You know what to do Okay, I gotta go, we gotta make a documentary Bye Bye.