The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Diving for the Hopeless Diamond with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: July 11, 2023

The midnight hour is close at hand. A lonely ghoul looks out across the land. It's the typical scene with the usual suspects. Frightening creatures roaming around in search of sex. Tonight, it's a veritable smorgasbord of glorious smut. Don't delay, as it's time to prepare and place that bejeweled item directly in your butt. Go to Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://Squarespace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain! This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self! Visit https://BetterHelp.com/BALD today to get 10% off your first month! Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our latest book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Learn more at Amex.ca. Look at you. You're looking mad. It's insane. I can't stop looking in the mirror. I mean, I, like... It's really... Oh, you know what it is it's a it's glinda but like horror it's like it's assaulting yes it's a violent um it's aggressively pink like it's um violently pink yes it's it's honestly it's not inviting it's not it's it's it's it's scary yeah there's something scary it's not soft's it's scary there's something scary

about it it's not soft or like fluffy this is not this is barbed wire Barbie yeah it's it's sort of like a

experimental film like yeah like the Oppenheimer experiment the atomic bomb it feels like the I don't

it feels like it's not meant to be scary but it's meant to be unnerving and it is achieving that like something something dressed up It feels like it's not meant to be scary, but it's meant to be unnerving. And it is achieving that. Like something dressed up so sweet that it actually turns your stomach. Sickeningly sweet.

Yeah. This much pink and this much blue eyeshadow. I think it's the saturation in the shapes of the face. It really does give makeup food poisoning. Yes. And like how high the brows are and they're like kind of straight across. I didn't even notice that. Yeah.

They're in the middle of my forehead. Fina Barbital made this hair. Wonderful. She turned it out. Yeah. She sure did. Last night I DJed at Heart because they had Aqua there. Aqua.

Barbie girl. Who's playing in LA tonight. Yes. I had a DJ gig because I did Looking Good, Feeling Gorgeous at Heart West Hollywood. And I don't think this is a secret. They let me,

instead of paying a location fee, do an appearance. So I saved a bunch of money on location fees. I was like, love it. You love to save money. You love a deal. You love to save money.

Music videos are expensive. No, they are. And you pay for them. And I pay for them. But then again, you and I have had conversations with signed artists who've told us

that they make like less than 20% of their own music sales. So it really like, you have to pay for them and i pay for them but then again you and i have had conversations with signed artists who've told us that they make like less than 20 of their own music sales so oh i know it really like you have to pay for the video but you do make more so i don't know but at this point all artists are fighting over a fraction of a cent you get from spotify no shit so who cares who cares um but you and i or i did a gig last night with Aqua, and Aqua Aquarium was one of my first CDs. I felt one of my contacts just move. No, that was the door. Aqua Aquarium. I had that CD.

And so meeting them was very thrilling because in 1997, I had their CD. 97 was a great year for everything. And I would say that that's probably one of the only bands that is Europop that I like. I was going to say, it's pretty like Eurovision kind of. I actually think you would like some of it. I do. I do like some of it. It's a little bit more hyper pop, like Red Bull Sweet.

You like darker, sexier. But I can get into like, you know, Little Big. Little Big. Little Big. They're a huge Russian band that's like very gimmicky, like Aqua. Yes. Very similar energy. crazy music videos, but their songs like skibbity-dee-dee-dee,

skibbity-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-boop-boop-boop. Yeah. Skibbity-dee-dee-dee-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop. And that's what inspires you, because I've heard your writing. So it's sort of like that. Like techno dancer. Oh, yeah.

Techno dancer. I will be your daddy. Shit like that. Exactly. I have small penis, or I have big penis. And then it's like, what I love about Aqua is what I love about the B-52s, the male-female call and response. That's what they do too.

Where it's a girl baby voice who's like, and then the guy's like, love. That's literally Little Big. Yeah. That's literally like, it's like, it's going to take more than one margarita. I'm going to be your sweet senorita. It's like it's gonna take more than one margarita i'm gonna be your sweet senorita it's like it's like so crazy it's so cheesy but it's viral on youtube or whatever yeah it was this looks viral on youtube it's viral for sure it's a viral it's a viral load um who's the designer of this gorgeous gown um this is heatherette's very own Traver Raines who built this for me

and can you believe it? It still fits. Oh my God. Well, it's stretch, honey. Well, she had a big ass then. She's got a big ass now. It's actually a little big but I was thicker

at this moment. It's beautiful. Yeah, it's not but I love it. What I like about it is it's what I liked about when I looked like this. What I liked about it

was that I looked crazy. Crazy, yes. And this type of adornment looks crazy and I liked about when I looked like this, what I liked about it was that I looked crazy. Yes. And this type of adornment looks crazy. And I liked looking crazy. Your colors are pink and pink. I was also very into asymmetry at the time. So all my hair was to one side, always a bow on one side, jewelry on one hand.

Like, I don't know what. That's so wild because you have such a geometrically symmetrical face. We want to. That's the goal. Is it to distract or to... Yeah, anybody who watches my YouTube video, did you just hear this person say that my makeup's symmetrical? Thank you. No, I mean the blueprint is.

We hope. Yeah, when you lay the foundation, sometimes it's not. Are you good with symmetry with makeup? Are you fucking kidding me? How the fuck no? It's hard. How the fuck no? It's hard. And you know what I found? I can look in the mirror and not see it. And then later when I see a picture, I go,

are you kidding me? One eye is like, I'm like, so when did I turn cross-eyed completely? Like, have I always been cross-eyed? Like, I know it's so crazy.

And I don't, have you ever like eyeballed something? If you're doing a measurement, like on a, um, you know, a shelf, you're hanging a shelf or something.

Oh, and you're like, that looks right. Four inches wrong. I mean, it's like, so it's so embarrassing. Oh, and you're like, I got it. Four inches wrong. I mean, it's so embarrassing. That's like me with, I have to go, that's why like going left to right constantly I feel like is good.

But my face is so asymmetrical, I can't follow the natural shapes. Can I tell you more about the gig last night? Oh, sorry. So it was unbearably hot. When I left, I got in the car and I'm sweating. I'm wet. My wig, this wig was dripping.

I want to come. I want to come to these gigs and just watch with binoculars. I was so wet. I want to see you suffer. It was so wet. Every time I powdered, it got worse, like more. And then I'm sitting in the car and the club owner goes, well, we're trying to track down who had turned the air off.

And I go, oh, someone was responsible for that? And he said they found out who turned the air off. And like I said, they will be dealt with. He goes, yeah, we want to have you back in August. I go, yeah, I'd love to get on the phone with you and talk to you about air conditioning. I literally just said that. Karma is real and she will come for you. What is that thing that Kim Chi said about you and the fake feud?

Oh, Kim's in a fake feud with me like every few months. I think right now Shay's in a fake feud with me. Perfect. What happens is Shay or Kim will text me like, it's time for another feud. This is what I think we should. And Shay or Kim will be like, I think this is what we should fight about. And then a week or two later, out of the blue, I'll wake up to Kim being like, you never change, bitch. Yeah.

You're still the same musty, dusty, no talent, having this fat bitch you always were. The truth will come out. Trust and believe. Oh, Kim and Shay love to be like, wow, you've changed. Money really changes people. I'm like, oh, are you guys latchkey children? Are you guys poverty?

Sorry, you never made any money. Sorry, you're all apparently broke. So I'm at the gig. It's so hot. And then I would come back into the gig because I love Heart. I love that bar. So fun. Great dressing room. Great's so hot. And then I would come back into the gig because I love Heart. I love that bar. So fun. Great dressing room.

Great everything. Heart, is that the new? It used to be Rage. Rage, got it. Oh, that's nice. Rage to Heart. Yeah, Heart wins. Love wins.

And then they have a big light wall. The LEDs and everything are amazing. But Aqua comes backstage. And of course, those are my first CDs. And Barbie Girl, obviously. It's a banger Right Yes And they come backstage

And I get to hang out with them And they're really nice And I'm you know Looking And they're just Pop stars right Euro pop stars It's different

Yeah Straight people and drag kind of They're in like sequins Oh totally Eurovision Eurovision drag Which is so interesting Because they're one of those bands

That in America They seem like They're like one hit wonders But European And internationally know euro euro vision drag which is so interesting because they're one of those bands that in america they seem like they're like one hit wonders but european and internationally mama the barbie girl video has i think 1.2 billion views on youtube billion yeah that's like the little big thing i was telling you about and i said wow you guys must be having a crazy year with the barbie movie and everything and she said you know what said, ever since we started this, every year has been a crazy year. Every year has been bigger and crazier. She said,

but because Barbie girl was so big, people will always mentally think like as a one hit wonder, right? Even though we've had so many charting hits, which is so interesting. I mean, that's like there. So,

I mean, I mean, that's not, it must be borderline disheartening to have such a banger so early in your life. And then it overshadows everything else. Kind of. And even though that's a compliment, like to have a song that endures is amazing. Yeah.

If you wrote Whip It or something. I know. Great. I want to. Yeah. I just, anyway, it was. And then she was very nice. She kept wanting to kiss me on the mouth.

With tongue? Yep. No, no, not with tongue. But at one point I was DJing, right? And I'm DJing. Do, do, do, do, do, do. And I turn and I flip my hair and I go to grab my headphones. And I reach over and grab my headphones.

She had crawled under the DJ booth and was laying on the floor with her legs open looking up at me. And I was like, oh! And then she got up and was like, and kissed me on the mouth again. And I was like, am I just fucking awkward tonight? Mama, you lost a little bit of weight and you are very sexy and listen everyone wants me everyone wants me i think this fucking book this bow is falling out isn't it whatever um it's fine i don't think that bow is the problem oh no oh there ain't no did you save your season seven finale look i love that outfit of course it's going in the archive archive or Bianca's drag museum or the dumpster or whatever.

Wait, I was listening to the Russian version of Barbie Girl on the way to the studio the other day. It's horrible. It sounds Japanese. It sounds crazy. It's horrible. Do Russian people, when a super pop hit comes out, do Russian people go like, oh, I hope there's a Russian version? Do they care?

I don't think so. So who's the Russian version for? Who's not listening to the original of that? Probably me. It's really bad. It's bad. It's bad. All the Russian language songs, like versions of, like, I Will Survive.

Yeah, it's terrible. Anyways, so how old are they, Aqua? They've got to be, think about it. They hit in their 20s in 97. That's got to be, they're going to be in their 50s probably. They looked great. Speaking of in their 50s, can I tell you something? Yeah.

I fucked a man in his 50s. Honey, the days of being a pedo are gone. I'm not a pedo, not a pedo, not a pedo, not a pedo. He's the pedo are gone. I'm not. I'm not a pedo. Not a pedo. Not a pedo. Not a pedo. He's the pedo now. He's a pedo.

He's a pedo. No. Well, not really. You're 41. We're peers. Peers. Men. Fucking men.

So wait a minute. Do you find this on the internet? I found this on the internet. Grinder. Yeah. And I had seen his pictures before and I thought that's a very handsome man. I would like to do sex to him. Never worked out.

And then we hooked up last night and from the jump, he got out of the car while I was peeking through the door with my little towel on. Nude. Wait a minute. You answered the door naked? Uh-huh. With a towel on. Do you think you live at a French beach? It was like midnight.

Oh, it's the dicking hour. Also, it wasn't like, people weren't trick or treating. No, but I love that you opened the door. No, no, I cracked a towel on. I didn't leave dick first. I hope you had it around the tits with one on your head with a bang piece. And you opened the door and you said, Yeah.

You know, fuck me. I had a Harry Potter song. I had Harry Potter glasses with cucumber slices. Under the glasses. Smashed up against the glass. Fuck. So what, I don't want to be too like, I don't want to violate his privacy, but what was his first and last name? It was a name I've never fucked before.

It was a new name. And his name, well, I'll just say it's like Richard. It's like a normal name. Yes, normal name. And what did you like about the sex? He had a big fucking cock. Did you like that? I did.

You know what's funny? I never like suffer the fool of like, I wish this guy's cock was bigger. But when it's big, it is exciting. But it was a big, the shape was like, it was uncut. fool of like i wish this guy's bigger but when it's big it is exciting but it was a big the shape was like it was uncut he was an englishman um but he's been here for a while and it was like it was big like it i couldn't get like ram ram a jama we fucked each other he fucked you up your butt up my butt with his ding-a-ling. You got that dildo going on? Oh, I got the, mama, I put, get into this. I said, before you fuck me, hold on. I tiptoe like Catwoman Anne Hathaway to the bathroom. I stick that jeweled butt plug in.

I go back to the bed and I bend over like I forgot to, I drop something. Ding-dong. So you let him know. Jewel thief. You know, like the jewel thief you know like the jewel you can see the jewel in my ass the police are coming

right now for you bitch she's in here the one with the jewel of the ocean in her ass yeah heart of the ocean

the hope diamond the hopeless diamond that's your butthole jewel the hopeless diamond fuck is that a good drag name hope diamond the fart of the ocean

um hope diamond absolutely that's great actually that's too good for drag queens to think of it yeah yeah drag queens are like

Anita wig yeah Anita dick up my ass Anita bump no more Anitas we don't need to do all that no more Ivana's no more

Ivana Anita Ivana bump in my dog do you think mistress Isabel Brooks do you think her first name is Mistress or Isabel? The first name Mistress, Isabel made a name, Brooks married name. Because I was like, is she Mistress, like Mr. and Mrs.?

I think that's exactly right. It's Mrs. Kasha Davis. So if she was over there and I want to talk to her, would I go, Isabel? Or would I go, Mistress. Mistress. Mistress, yeah. Or, Mistress Isabel. Or I go Mistress Mistress Or Mistress Isabel Or you'd be like

Mistress Isabel Brooks Mistress Isabel Brooks girl To the principal's office Girl Girl I have my diamond in the Girl Don't fish out my

Diamond in the Girl We found love Diamond in the rough That's for real I love Found Diamond in the rough. That's for real. I love found love in a hopeless place. But do you remember Wendy?

I almost said Wendy Williams. Wendy Ho. Yeah. I suck your dick in a public place. Yeah. I mean, I'll never forget. Blow it. Blow my pussy up like the Taliban.

Blow my pussy up like the Taliban. That is poetry. I don't care what anybody. You can fuck me on an airplane. So fierce. That was lovely. Because I didn't really know the original of that song, which was. Well, that's how you know good parody. Yeah.

When DWV did That Boy's a Bottom. Right. It erased the original song in my mind. Yeah. It was, where was that? Wilson Phillips? Dead. Found dead.

Oh, yeah. Hold on. Is it Chick-fil-A? Yeah, exactly. Hold on. Hold on hold on right hold on was then so chow down chow down on chick-fil-a parody and it was also like an ironic dig at a at a christian homophobic chicken company yes very strange i love when drag queens do like parodies but they just download like the shitty karaoke track. So it's like shitty MIDI horns.

Come dump, come dump. I hear it. And I know. Padam, Padam. I hear it. And I know.

Padam, Padam. I know you want to take me home. Well, I did. I was like, Siri, play Padam Padam by Kylie Minogue.

Padam, Padam by Kylie Minogue. Now playing. It's like, I remember my French teacher said, on the first day of French, she said, it's Madame day of French, she said, it's Madame, not Madame,

like Madame foot stuck in the door. Hello, that's the diva. Mnemonic devices. Seriously. Three, two, one, zero. The final seconds of the game separate true fans from the rest. The fans that are there for every victory, defeat, agony, and ecstasy. And when the buzzer sounds, you deserve a Coke Zero Sugar.

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with advanced power dual cooling. Welcome to the pro-life with LG Gram Pro. Experience the power of pro. Get your LG Gram Pro today. Pro. Anytime. Anywhere. Wait, talk about, oh wait, so sex. Okay, so you thought he was face, body, everything worked. Everything worked, and it felt good to like, you know, when like a old apex predator sees one of its kind in the savannah, you know, it's like, that's what I felt.

I was like, oh yeah. Yeah. You know, I'm not like stealing eggs out of nests. Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm like, I'm, we're old, we're grizzled, we're here together. We're doing this thing. And he was attracted to me. I gave him a boner. Yes, I did. Yes,. And he was attracted to me. I gave him a boner.

Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Yes, I did. You gave him a boner. No, did you do fucking, did you, you sucked his dick? I sucked his dick. He sucked your dick. He loved, this is gross.

I mean, yeah. Did he eat your ass, bitch? Did he rim you? Did he put his tongue up that ass, bitch? Did he tongue that 40-year-old crusty crevice 41 that 40 year old donut hole jesus what are you wonderful what are you wonderful all right i ate that okay it was just lovely it was lovely in a little conversation it was peppered in peppered in the conversation sort of like local Florent Fauna. Local references.

It's like we were stopped at a long red light. Hey, look at that. Actually, that house was built in 1927. And then we get back to fucking. So you guys would be in the middle of fucking and stop and be like. Architecture. I think Florence Pugh needs a new stylist. Yes.

You know. By the way, she just came out in something. Who put Anne Hathaway on the red carpet like that? Yeah. It's funny watching celebrities like get money and get stylists and then doesn't always work out because some shit like um margot robbie has a new stylist for this barbie tour and of course every look is unreal unreal also when you when you have a canvas and margot robbie is the canvas you have no excuse you have to actively sabotage you have to really try and make that bitch look ugly yeah she's like probably one of the top three

Most gorgeous women in the world. Yeah after I think you in that. Oh, yeah I thought you said three for a reason like this you gorgeous devours cute I Wrote on something. I'm still not done talking about my sex life. Oh, tell me more. Um He Okay, got really Got romantic like I do romantic roleplay. I told you about this before like it's not like yeah spit in my face He, okay, got really, got romantic. Like, I do romantic role play.

I told you about this before. Like, it's not like, yeah, spit in my face, fag, or whatever. Like, people do, you know, slap me, throw the microwave at me. It was like, like boyfriend kind of experience. Like, super, super intimate. Always very sensual. Like, I love you. Like, not like, not creepy though. Not creepy though.

Can I just, real quick. No, not like, create a minute. Not creepy though. Not creepy though. Can I just real quick? No, no. Go ahead. So, you, you thought it was a fun sex thing to say I love you?

Now, respect it or I'll take it away again. Okay. Think about what you say before you speak into that microphone. I wish I had on the show, like, whenever you talk crazy, I have a little like, uh-huh. And it just goes, I'll take it away again Okay Think about what you say Before you speak into them That's funny

Whenever you talk crazy I have a little like Uh huh And it just goes Yeah No it wasn't like I love you It was like

That sounds insane It just got like It was like It was like Uh No it was Ah So she and I

Have been obsessed with this Wait have we talked about this I dropped you off. The way I went, repeat, repeat. I probably did it, Trixie, 40 times. To a point where I was like, okay, I need to stop because this is gross. So there's this song. There's this song called One Hot Pleasure by an artist called Erica Jane.

We've played it before. And the beginning goes like this. Do it again. Do it this. We can't. Do it again. Do it again. It's electric. Unfortunately, I think that sample sets the song up for, and it doesn't launch. I know.

Cause that sample is so good. I mean, it's what an intro. Like a woman in her like upper forties at the time too. Probably upper 40s. Like when they call your name at the dentist's office. Mr. McCook. That is so crazy. That is so amazing.

It's a great track, but that opening is so... It's so good. I have some notes. I have some notes. It's so out of nowhere. It's like... But, but that opening is so good. I have some notes. I have some notes. It's so out of nowhere. It's like, yeah, but also it's her. She's doing high drag. So I get it.

But like, oh, it's crazy. It's really crazy. We were in the car on the way back to, we went to Malibu and we were just playing it over and over. I'm telling you, when I dropped you off. That's when it really kicked off. I was like, am I insane? I don't care. It just created.

Yeah. So how long did the sex go for? Oh God, mama for hours did you really oh yeah it was fierce oh i was rebasing red uh red and chest like uh i'm sorry neck and chest red purple yeah purple because i just wanted to be like secure and solid you know yeah i was rock hard you could you could have hung from my dick off the side of a cliff with one arm with one arm that's fierce yeah can women take viagra because if it's an it's if it's a vasodilator what are they for their fucking their boners well no the pussy gets engorged with blood which makes it more sensitive so i wonder if women can take like a vasodilator for maybe they want if they want like a big fat firm clit. What's that called? Yaz?

Or um Yeah. Yaz. Trimex. Right in the clit lip. Well say though are there injections in the clit?

No. Yeah. My friend let's call him Bob he would fuck around with this girl who wanted to fuck him in the ass

with her injected clit. Uh. What? Oh. No i'm serious and that's the sound she would make when she got it in i have watched a lot of different types of porn with different types of genitals trying to do different types of things those genitals would do unexpected Let's say it's like an F to M situation that the person fucking the person with the sort of enlarged clit from hormones and stuff. Yeah. Fucking the other person in the pussy. Yeah. With the large clit.

Fucking a pussy with a pussy. Fuck her right in the pussy. Parentheses with a pussy. But that's what's great about sex. There is no limitations. Your imagination is your limitation. There's no rules and no boundaries boundaries although there are some age requirements dave and i've been having sex a lot you know what i think i was inspired by you you were i think yeah because you you kind of

like you clued me in on what was going on in your sex life i threw up and then i made no no well i didn't tell you i was wearing this yeah no and i, and I was like, huh? I couldn't help but wonder, why was I not having any sex? And yeah, I was inspired. We got nasty. Well, we were also in the car, and I noticed that you noticed that I was wearing a packer in the back. I told Eden she has to wear a packer. That is so crazy.

Your poor 25-year-old assistant, female assistant, you told her she has to wear a packer at work. That is so crazy. Your poor 25-year-old assistant, female assistant, you told her she has to wear a packer at work. That is so amazing. Like, you can do mini skirts. There's no modesty rules here, but you're going to have to put in a packer. Yeah. Honestly, like, I have a few Speedos, and I've never worn them. You've never worn a Speedo? I'm scared.

Why? You've got a big butt. You look great. No, it's like an after-school special where I get a little confident, and I've never worn them. You've never worn a Speedo? I'm scared. Why? You've got a big butt. You look great. No, it's like an after school special where I get a little confident and I put it on in my house and I look in the mirror and I go, maybe next year. It's always like next year, next year. You look great in a Speedo. But I have splurged on nice Speedos, cool Speedos and scared to wear them.

But now I've been like, should I just get a Packer and wear that? I mean, if I should be Miss Nasty with my little Speedo on. Put it in the back. Yeah. No, the front. Double dick. Double dick Tuesday. I've been like, should I just get a packer and wear that? I mean, if I should be Miss Nasty with my little speedo on. Put it in the back. No, the front. Double dick. Double dick Tuesday. Double dick.

Double dick Donnie goes to Ginger Rogers Beach and lets them have it. I went to Ginger Beach. Ginger Rogers Beach. Will Rogers Beach. Did you like it? I don't care for the ocean. Cold? It was cold? Not getting that cold water.

The ocean water is cold, Mary. The Pacific Ocean? If somebody describes the water as exhilarating, I'm not interested. Well, see, I'm used to like Maine and Massachusetts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But Maine, Massachusetts Beach, that's like 60, 50s. No, I know. Not Cape Town. Cape Cod, like P-Town. Yeah. People jumping in that ocean.

I'm like, what? That's cold plunge. And crabs running around in P-Town. In the ocean. in that ocean. I'm like, what? It's cold plunge. And crabs running around in P-Town. In the ocean. If you go step in the ocean, you can see them running around. It's scary. What if they clipped on my nipple? And then I have to jerk off.

Are your nipples... Wait a minute. Are your nipples sensitive? We just... That was a topic last night during the sex. Okay. We both... He had like hard, hard nipples.

Can I ask? Did he have the old guy nipple play thing Not quite It's National Geographic Not It was It was more National Anthem Like Lana Del Rey

Than it was like National Geographic But it was like You know It was an international anthem They were perky But not obscene And they weren't sensitive

Yeah But we were sucking each other's titties Because a lot of the guys Are putting like penis pumps Like a Hoover They put the Dyson Up to their nipple Honey

Breast pump Honey They're breast pumping Like Hand That Rocks the Cradle It's really really crazy penis pumps like a hoover they put the dice in their nipple pump honey breast pumping like a hand that rocks the cradle it's really really crazy and then what i love is when guys say are your nipples wired like electrician came in and electrician came in and like did a dimmer switch in your lip it's like are your nipples wired what do you mean you look down and there's a car battery hooked up to your nipples? What are you talking about?

Wired? Well, I know a friend of mine, like he has extremely sensitive nipples. And I'm like, really? Like you could make him cum by touching his nipples. It's crazy. I know someone like that. Yeah. I like that.

I mean, I covet that. Yeah. But for me, I do hate when, okay, let's say you like your nipples played with. If we hooked up, which would never happen, no matter who, that would be the sound. If you have sensitive nipples, you would start touching my nipples. And then I have to stop the sex and go, I hate to tell you, my nipples are, it's just like, it's not sexy. It's up as a bucket of dead fish down there. For me, they don't feel sexy.

You could be touching my shoulder. It's just skin. Whereas some guys I know like. That's a great of dead fish down there. For me, they don't feel sexy. You could be touching my shoulder. It's just skin. Whereas some guys I know like touch the nipple, they turn hard in two seconds. That's such a crazy sound. It's so funny. To start a song. It really does not particularly signify good or bad. It could be evil.

But you know what I mean? It's not. It's malevolent. It's malevolent. It's malevolvolent it's malevolent it's malignant it's malignant it's malignant it's malevolent i wonder listen i can applaud in music when people make strong choices that's a strong choice well listen there's so much competition and when you're not like an established musician you're a housewife you really need to make a splash on the international music scene. Oh, yeah. You know, not everyone has had a number one dance single.

You and I have, of course. Of course we have. And we are, you know, just. Well, I just think she should have said it. Should have repeated it. Do you want to fuck that guy again? Oh, so here's the thing. Absolutely.

I would love to. I would love for you to date someone your age. Are you kidding? I'm not going to say I manifested this Because that's insane That's insane, right? We don't manifest things We look for them

And then we pursue them Mary Mama Imagine being at home with like I don't know A pack of frozen blueberries And be like I manifested this

No bitch, you went to Gelson's You did yummy.com delivery In 30 minutes or less That's not manifestation That's not manifestation. I manifested a husband. No, you dated him for years. I scrolled Grindr for 45 minutes and then asked everybody to have sex with me.

This is the one guy who would. The oldest living person did. What is it? Who would play him? Oh, great question. It's funny to say that unironically. Great question. Yeah, it would be. Pierce Brosnan.

Okay, okay. Pullman Domingo. You get out of here. Why? You're not fucking. You don't like Pierce Brosnan Okay okay You get out of here Why You're not fucking You don't like Pierce Brosnan No no no That's who it is

And I But it I don't know You're fucking Pierce Brosnan No I He doesn't look like him But that's what came into my head That's weird

It's not weird It's not weird I'm psychic That's the only person We've talked about it No but like It's like think of a number Between one and 60 you picked the number i'm psychic okay but he doesn't look like pierce brosnan that's what's creepy about this so why did you think of pierce brosnan i don't know but you said it you read my mind

isn't that bizarre no i guess it's not that bizarre. You manifested it. Who would play him? I would say, I'm going to say, I can't think of it right now, but in Get Out, Bradley Cooper. But he's not that blonde. Wow. Not Bradley Cooper. Bradley Whitford. And you think Bradley Cooper's in Get Out? Bradley Whitford. Do you think all white people look the same?

Wow. Wow. Why don't you get out? I will. And I'll go inhabit the body of a black man. Yeah. That was my takeaway from get out. Is that all white people look the same?

All white people look the same and they have horrible deficient genetics and they want to snatch those black beautiful bodies. Well, between that movie and hereditary, I love anything where old white people are the villain. Creepy villains. Mama. Creepy old white people. Creepy pasta.

The old white naked people in hereditary. Nothing's more chilling. That's you and him meeting to congregate. That's me naked, taking a break, looking at my garden through the glass window. Smiling. I feel for the person who sees that. Because they will be terrified to their bones. They will be chilled to their bones.

I would. Chilled to the bones. I would say if they do see that, though, they're trespassing in your backyard. No, no, no. You can see like the house up there, the house up there. They just see a fucking- Jessica Biel deserves better. Yeah, she does.

Is she your neighbor? No. Sandy Bullock lived there before she was super famous across the street. We got Jimi Hendrix back in the day. Stevie Nicks was up top. Wow. Lindsay Lohan rented. The facade of my house is famously featured in the opening scene of The Bling Ring.

I can't tell if you're joking. I'm being serious. I mean, these aren't funny jokes. These aren't funny, what I'm saying. Well, it's kind of your usual thing, isn't it? Jaiho! Jaiho! So you want to see this guy again.

He's in his 50s. He obviously has a job. Months from retirement, which is great. He had cancer. He had... Well, that's good he got it out of the way we had surgery two days apart that crazy same doctor dr snibby no i'm just kidding i think that's how no but we did i think that's how ben and jennifer met it's kind of better it's kind of weird i was like i mentioned the hip thing because i was fucking him and I was like, I need to take a break.

The grinding of metal against wood beat steel. And I was like, oh, you know, and he, then he like, yeah, I have a fucking kidney cancer or whatever.

During sex? Yeah. And I was like, oh, say it again. I'm almost going to come, you know, who is your dog? Who's your PCP?

Do you have blue cross? Oh, no. Silver PPO plan. No, no. Oh, silver PPO plan. Out of network. Oh. No, no. But he had an operation.

Okay, that guy showed him my scar. He showed him, you know, operation. He asked me randomly, when did you have it? And I said, the date. And he had it two days before. Isn't that strange? You showed him your scar? Well, I was naked.

Did you show him your gash? Oh, he was inside the gash. If you don't have cash, you can't pound this gash. It's Varla Jean. No, Lady Bunny tweeted today. I hate to be so blunt, but a lady must be up front. No cash, no cunt. You don't know that one?

No. It's Varla Jean. It's so good. Lady Bunny tweeted today, Billy Porter broke up with his husband of six years, and I'm still trying to figure out who gave me crabs. She tweeted that today. Dreams and nightmares. That's Lady Bunny.

What does a guy do for a living? Can you say? I will not. I'll say it off the air. Okay. Because he works for Fox News and he's a big MAGA supporter. Oh, it's Tucker Carlson? Yes.

Fucker Carlson. Fucker Carlson. Fucker Carlson. supporter oh it's tucker carlson are you fucking carlson fucker carlson i wrote down a couple things because i have to talk to you about something okay dianetics by elvron hubbard no bitch i watched this new show what okay you just gotta follow me because you know in tv sometimes they they chose a sensational name for the show to get you to just to watch oh my god is it with like it'll be called like pig fuckers or something like it will just be called something crazy this this is a show called crack addicts

and that's it it's called crack addicts but this is not it's not intervention it's a chiropractic clinic it's like the doctor pimple popper of chiropractic clinics so dave and i were like cracking so you're telling me the show with crackheads is called intervention and the show with back cracking is called crack addicts and i kept forgetting the name so i kept being like what's that show crackheads cracky cracky i watched it and it was of course like you know satisfying because it's people who have like ailments and she cracks the shit out of their bodies and helps them. The storytelling was so good.

I got so invested. I started out like, let's watch a show called Crack Addicts. That's funny. And then after the adjustments, I was like, she's a mom and she needs to be able to move so she can keep up with her kids. Ever since she lost her husband, I got so into it. But I thought the word crack addicts for the name of a t-show is out of pocket i think it is it is it is absolutely out of pocket it's it's

traisha what show are you on oh i'm on this show called crackhead i'm binging crack addict crack addict yeah we're binging we're binging crack i just i'm at home binging crack addicts but i also can really applaud the marketing. Of course. It's sensational. Because the show is for people who love crack. Cracks. Back cracks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like cracks are really satisfying. I mean, but crack addicts. Can you believe that? Intervention's called Intervention. They should call it butt comma cracks. Butt cracks? No, but here's the thing about chiropractor chiro whatever the noun is it's like i think it's chiropractiana chiropractice yeah it's like it's not snake oil it's not snake oil it's not

it's not medical school like it's this is not a this is not like a um they're not doctors is that stupid no no they're not doctors so do doctors stupid? No. No, they're not doctors. So do doctors look down on chiropractors or they like it? Many of them do. Really? Absolutely. No, they think they're charlatans. Do you think they are?

I think that a lot of them are. Doesn't that fall into the body work? Doesn't that fall into the... Yeah. I mean, I think there's more precision and training involved in this one rather than you would argue Reiki, where it's like energetic and a little bit more nebulous yes or acupuncture which is like more you know eastern esoteric but like chiropractor when they're just yanking you and saying because your bones are out of joint i i don't know

a lot of people who are like very clued in to the medical community are like that's bullshit well it probably feels great though until you break your collarbone during an adjustment i have issues with my si joint as you know remember on tour it was bothering me where your back connects to your pelvis and my friend kendon who always does my massages he sent me a bunch of videos that he got from his doctor friend about how to like release your SI joint at home. Like, so you can feel like a pop. I did the exercises the other day after days of joint is like, I'm not even, it doesn't even move though. Days of pain gone. I got on the floor,

I got the roller out and did the activities. The pain was instantly gone. I've run everyday sense with zero pain. I'm not saying that means chiropractors are real. No, no, no. But adjusting, stretching, realigning is real. Sure. And also, we're like hunched. I mean, we're living lives hunched with our necks like bent forward over the phone. I've been holding my phone like this because I'm like, I look so crooked.

I'm like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me text you. This one. Yeah. It's horrible. Yeah. Literally, I mean people i found

myself walking like into a wall at home like on the you know what i mean it's crazy it's crazy it's not right it's not right and it's normal for those gen z's they need to they need to really like realign that behavior maybe with a chiropractor you did i don't know i i said you see the hot guy chiropractor on youtube or instagram? He did, what's her face? A drag race girl recently. Jada, Jada, no. I love everyone. No, you don't.

I love everyone. But I'm going to tell you what I'm never going to do. What? Get veneers, get a hairline surgery, get a chiropractic treatment in exchange for you taping it and putting it on the internet. Oh, okay. I like a little bit of privacy when it comes to these things. I had the same thing with the microblading. I felt it on the internet. Oh, okay. So I like a little bit of privacy when it comes to these things. I had the same thing

with the microblading. I felt very on the fence about it. Very on the fence about like trading. I'd rather just pay for it. I know. That's what, that's, I know. I know. I'd rather just pay for it.

I know. I know. Because I don't know what's going to happen to that content. It's my body. It's personal. I know. I feel the same way.

I was very conflicted. And I have no way of knowing how much business that brings someone. So I have no way of knowing how much business that brings someone. So I have no way of knowing what the value is of what I'm giving you. Or if it's going to flop. Whereas with dollars, you want $1,000, great, whatever. I have to tell you about something else. I got a call from the...

I get calls from Hilton, Paris. Perez? Cathy Hilton calls me. No, my name is Bella Hadid I get calls from them for telemarketing and the other day

I was at CVS picking up Viagra yes and I was like outside and this guy calls me and I had just finished a run

and he calls me and he goes hey I know you work hard I want to but I want to put you I got a great vacation package for you

like I said and I'm not good at hanging up the phone you're not no so i'm your own phone but i don't know how to hang up at a telemarketer without feeling rude you're like oh my god you then you'd hang up so i he's got a gun he goes where are you going to go i see i said to where he goes las vegas and i go you called the wrong person i said i'm not going to las? I said, to where? He goes, Las Vegas. And I go, you called the wrong person. I said, I'm not going to Las Vegas. I said, I live in Los Angeles, which is more beautiful than fucking Vegas. Yeah.

Get the fuck out of here. I said, what else you got? Mizzou, Montana. I just wanted to see what else he was going to recommend. I said, what else you got? Try again, honey. He mentioned, and then I forget what he said next. And I said, I travel for a living.

I don't want to go anywhere. You chewed him out. Yeah. And then I said, what else you got? Yeah. You got a big hard dick you want to fuck me with? Try again. He said, what about Fort Lauderdale in Florida?

I said, do you know what the politics in Florida? I said, it's borderline illegal to be gay in Florida. I said, I'm gay. Yeah. And I waited for him to answer. And he paused and he goes, well, I don't know much about the politics in Florida. And I go, well, let me tell you. And I started lanching into a whole tirade about the politics in Florida. You held him hostage. Eventually. Yeah. Because. And I started lynching into a whole tirade about the politics.

You held him hostage. Eventually. Yeah. Because I was like, I need you to decide to never call me again. You're 0 for 3. I'm going to make sure you never dial this number again. I don't have the heart to say like, leave me alone, fucker. But I don't know why that voice.

Leave me alone, you little pig fucker. Don't ever call me again, you little pig fucker. So leave me alone, you little pig fucker. I tell him, Mark, you're calling him a pig fucker and hanging up like we'd love to do this opportunity you big fucker yeah yeah we we'd like to offer you a package i bet you would like that you little fucker um so then finally i go well i live in los angeles and i fucked pigs all day sorry and i didn't know what to say other than i also am very fortunate where i can afford to travel anywhere i want so you should call someone else with this deal because if i want to go somewhere i'll go somewhere so i said like i'm not a good person for you to pitch this to you should call someone else now and this is a cold

call yes that's how i got him off the phone was like like as a salesperson i want to coach you into calling people who actually fit that deal oh my god i'm not going to vegas you're bitchy you're helpful you're um and you just move them on to the next yeah i said good luck to you yeah as salesperson to salesperson good luck to you yeah good don't forget before you sell it have a great day you gotta buy it yourself that's true i'm also like sir would you go to florida like i was like do you want to go to florida Do you realize what you're selling? Yeah. Do you know,

it's like, do you know what, you don't smell that the shit coming out of your mouth right now? Yeah. Yeah. He's like, you want to go to Florida? I'm like,

do you want to go visit the Titanic? Well, like, I'd rather go down there to the Titanic than go to Florida. Yeah. I'd rather go down there and drown with a group of fucking yuppies. I don't want to be insensitive to all that. Cause my God,

how horrible that's people's moms and daughters and friends. Those people were made in a laboratory. They were made in a laboratory. We have no business down there. We have no business down there in the ocean. I agree. We don't need to go to Mars. Thank you. And we don't need to go to the ocean. Say it again. And we also

need to go to Florida. Florida's the middle and still the worst, but we don't need to be on the moon. Which is great because I don't think we ever went there. That's a whole other story. Florida or the deep Mariana Trench.

We don't need to be scraping. They say something like 90% of the ocean's undiscovered. Dark and horrible. We have no business down there. No business at all. Stay in your lane. There's no timeshares. There's spooky fish. There's high pressure.

What do you think about peeing in the ocean? Peeing in the ocean or being in the ocean? We were at the beach the other day and we had to pee and I didn't want to pee in the ocean. So I walked to the convenience store to pee. That's a little crazy. And David got in the ocean and peed. I said, that seems.

I love it. If I was a fish, I'd be like, who's that? Right up the pee hole? They look funny. What are they doing? Are they pissing in here Like The humans got the ocean To piss and leave

What do you think They're doing I guess they're pissing And they're drinking it They'd go to the convenience store If they could I guess But they're I heard like a

Not Perhaps not true Like Fact about This Fish that's like Attracted to urea The chemical in urine and it's like

go straight up your dick hole when you pee and i think that was just like a wives tale people say not to pee in pool you know fish can't swim up piss holes no these tiny little like long fish like little teeny swordfish they go straight up the dick hole sounding sounding in the ocean yeah the sound of the ocean yeah it's the sound of music do you ever want to sound you want to stick pipe cleaners up there i knitting needles in my dick hole it at my age that's one of those behaviors where i go adam and eve not adam and steve well it's just like i love it's like baseball's great i can't no that's not a metaphor. That metaphor doesn't work, but like, I don't, I like,

we can go to the bar and get a drink, but I don't need to drink bleach. Yeah. I like, I will do the ice bucket challenge, but you're not going to drop me off a helicopter in an Arctic with no coat. Right.

What I mean? Like that's, that's not, wait, do you know about Mount Everest? I do. Did we talk about that? Oh yeah.

Oh, we talked about, we talked about it in private, in. Oh, we talked about this. We talked about it in private. In private. We talked about people frozen. People try to climb Mount Everest and just... Yeah. Frozen.

And hopefully you just... There's an undignified way to die, but you just hope that your final pose is something fierce. Oh, you hope it's like a top model. Yeah, it's like... Yeah. Have you ever watched Top Model? I watched it while it was on the air. Dave and I were watching season one from the beginning of the day. You hope it's like a top model. Yeah. It's like. Yeah. Have you ever watched top model? I watched it while I was on the air.

Dave and I were watching season one from the beginning of the day. Well, the budget is so fierce. You have about six judges around a card table, a folding card in a garage. The lighting situation is one flickering bulb. And then the TV where they show them, let's show you your best look. It's a 14 inch, not even flat screen TV. A fat back. A small fat back.

It's one of those like high school multimedia. Like someone, the teacher rolls in the multimedia thing. And you watch it. Yeah. Everybody falls asleep. Yeah. Oh my God. It's crazy. Humbling.

It's really crazy. But she is, Tyra is unlike no other. She goes for it. She swings. She pulls no punches. She swings hard, big, and wild. And it's often to a very horrifying effect. And you know, there was a season,

David was telling me there was a season where the judge was Twiggy. And at the top of the season, they were like, you know, Twiggy, part of how she broke through was having this iconic nickname. So this season, we're going to give you all iconic nicknames. And I'm sure some of them were like Legs, Duchess. David said one of them went by her last name.

And her model name was Houlihan. What the fuck is that? Oh, fucking stop the runway, Houlihan. Work it, Benihana. What the fuck is that? What would be your model name? Gullia. Yeah.

Gullia. G-H-O-O-L-I-A. I think I would want something with a hot first name. Well, I guess if you become iconic as a model, then you're Tyra. You're Adriana. I just love the regular names like Karen Elson or like Kristen McMenemy. Kate Moss. Kate Moss is probably the best.

Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell is probably the best, like, model names. I love Top Model because it's always a bunch of, it's a mix, right? There's always bonafide natural born models where they've never really done it. And in front of the camera, it's like flawless. And you're like, wow. But there's always one or two. I'm going to say Hooters girls. There's always one or two like actual men's calendar.

Just jugs and like. And the prompt is to like. And every picture they're like. Spitting on their tits. It's just jugs with cum on them. And they have their pussy two fingers spread out. And they're like, so it was a mascara ad. And you spat on your tits.

I noticed you kept drooling on your breasts, which were exposed to sell the mascara. So the prompt was for you to dress like a homeless person, which is the type of thing they do. Yeah, they did. And you chose to walk in with clamps on both nipples and a dildo up your ass and you proceeded to walk in and ask mike rubies if his nipples were wired and then you had jill ben simone put a car battery up to his dick it is so crazy i love fuck it was models. Models have a different life. A different life? A very different life.

Real thin. Yeah. And striking. Like we talked about it before. Like a lot of them are boot nasty ugly. Like scary looking. But like, you know, like. Yeah.

And you know, but Tyra, you know, I'd never seen that show till COVID and watching it for the, watching it as an adult, everyone watches it like nostalgia, but watching it for me the first time is, even if I'm in the room alone, it's a lot of me like. Is anybody else seeing this? Yeah. She is. Watch her talk show. You will, the hair, you will curl your hair.

It will curl your hair. Do you remember when she had Westboro Baptist Church on and she goes, what did you guys call me earlier? A fag enabler. Ooh, what's that? What's a fag enabler? Yeah, say it again. She wanted to say faggot.

Yeah. She wanted to say it so bad. She's like, you hear that, Miss J? They said faggot. They said, get the faggot off the TV. I'm not watching that. What do you think of Miss J? The runway coach.

So there was, yeah, there was Janice, Miss J, J Alexander, and then Tyra. Well, Tyra was a little bit ruchy. Was it Sheil? No. What was the guy's name? Nigel? The photographer? It was Kamora Lee Simmons, too.

Was in the first season. Oh, right. The owner of Baby Fat. So was Janice the second season? No, Janice was in one. Because Tyra would be like, yeah, you really got in there. And, you know, we were kind of disappointed. And then Kamora would say something really like,

as a client, we would want you to be able to sell the product. And then they cut to Janice and she'd be like, you just look fucking... Janice would be like, you have a big square jaw. You have no tits. And those droopy eyes and those fucking shoulders. That's all I can see. What's wrong with you? Go work at a construction site, brick.

Meanwhile, Janice's eyebrows are vertical. Vertical. And Janice's eyebrows are vertical. Vertical. And Janice is, of course, gorgeous. Yeah, yeah. Gorgeous. The original supermodel. I'm just going to say, like, this is not bad to her. Even in her heavy-handed 2000s plastic surgery, she still is gorgiana.

Yeah, yeah. But she turns to him and goes, like, you look like you had to fart. That's what you want to see in a show like that though. You don't see, you don't know I'm buttering up. When you uncross your legs, I expected to see testicles. Where's all that fish in your pussy? Yeah. What about the wood chips in your ass?

Yeah. And she'll sit in the first season. She was saying things like, you know, a little flabby for modeling, you know, like she's, yes. little flabby for modeling you know like she's yes well she's like she's just the voice of the the uh in the incorrect politically incorrect voice of like the casting department but how are we going to have a discussion about bodies and faces and modeling without critiquing bodies and faces so i don't actually think that show by nature is meant to cross some lines yes when it comes to commenting on people's bodies. And it's an indictment of the industry, right? Because this is what, this is, these are the

rules. This is what's established and we're not necessarily looking at why or challenging it, but that's the way it is. And that's kind of tough shit. But like, so. Yes. It's like, it wasn't unlike the opening of Triangle of Sadness when that guy's at that casting call. It was, it's worse. That. Triangle of Sadness was actually kind of tame. Yeah. Janice Dick and your son. No matter how gorgeous, I don't know if I could be the type of person where like...

No. Because you could say shit about, by the way, you could say shit about this drag and I'd be like, yeah. You could say a lot of shit about that drag. That's fine, that's drag. But when it's like, your job is your body and your body's your livelihood and your face. But also, and your body and your body's your livelihood and your face. And your body and your face are selling the,

the a million dollar global brand that needs to be at the cutting edge of fierce and like fashion. You know what I mean? Like I was, I watched those like cheesy, corny runway videos where like it's Naomi Campbell versus Bella Hadid or whatever. And it's I don't have that obviously,

but like that walk, that confident walk, the bounce. I mean, it's like, I am that girl. Like this pussy is red hot. And if you try to finger me,

you're going to pull back bones. I feel that when I'm doing like a runway, but I know I don't look at, but I feel it. I've never felt that. You don't know. Cause I can't give it. I give lobster.

Who's been like declawed and let out of the tank to go live a sedentary feel it i've never felt that you don't know because i can't give it i give lobster who's been like declawed and let out of the tank to go live a sedentary life and dies on the way back to the ocean yeah yeah no what do you think about turtles being like born in the sand and finding their own way back to the ocean 100 years old these turtles sometimes 100 years not the babies no no the oldies yeah they can live up to 100. Tortoises. Cold-blooded animals. More instincts. Mammals, everything has to be taught to us.

Lizards and shit? They know. Lizard brain, right? They know. Automatic. If anybody cares, I'm in season seven drag because of a video I did today. So that will be coming down the pike. So enjoy that. Yeah, please enjoy that at your own risk.

Enjoy that. Bitch. Okay. Go see Kelly Mantle. She's going on tour kellymantel.com for tickets your mind will be blown and maybe your dick as well work bye Bye.