The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Does Our Art Threaten You? with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

Does our art threaten you? Does it make you completely reconsider your physical existence? Does it make you stop and question the status quo and stop sleepwalking through life like a sheep? Does it make you feel weird and nervous and uncomfortable and unsure if your houseplants want to murder you? Does it set fire to your neat little sphere of influence to the point where you cease knowing what is real and imagined? Good. Sit in that discomfort and let your soul marinate in the chaotic power that is our art. Look at our art and fear us, you prole. *Please note: this episode contains references to sexual assault. To contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline, dial 1-800-656-HOPE. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://Betterhelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self! Thirsty? Go to https://LiquidDeath.com/BALD to check out all their healthy, infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer! Visit https://LELO.com now for exclusive discounts on luxury intimacy products, and use code BALD10 at checkout for an additional 10% off your purchase! DRIVE AWAY DOLLS is only in theaters this Friday February 23rd! Visit https://DriveAwayDollsMovie.com to get tickets now! LISA FRANKENSTEIN is only in theaters now! Visit https://LisaFrankensteinFilm.com to get tickets! Pure For Men is the brand for good health and good times! Made by gay men for members of the LGBTQIA+ community. Get 20% OFF with promo code: BALD20. Head to: https://puremen.co/baldandbeautiful Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue.yorku.ca. Uh? Uh? I'm dying. No, you're not. You're living. I feel like last time I was on the pod, I scared everyone. You're living. I got my blood work done and everything is normal again. No HIV?

The doctor said that I probably have Gilbert syndrome, which sounds hot. He says it's when people have an unnaturally high level of bilirubin, which is like a yellow pigment in your blood. Yes. And he said that the only thing I should be scared of is if I ever get really dehydrated, I will likely turn a little yellow. Jeandist. But he said there's no other complications.

Jeandist, baby. So I guess I was like, if I don't drink water will I turn yellow and you know I'm always insecure about looking yellow anyway because I paint white triangles under my eyes which makes your teeth and eyes look yellow mama got Mick talk to her about white face and yellow teeth girl

sweetie darling she got it together though the one thing I don't regret is whitening my teeth before I went on drag race. Honey, it's been a long time coming. Yeah. That woman deserves her revenge and we deserve to die.

That's been in my head. Also, well, yes. That's up there. Oh yeah, Tokyo Tony. Right now that Cher that I'm great is pretty up there. When I talk about crazy stuff, I want to get braces again. Not for real, real. No, no, no, no, no.

Are there braces? Is the need for braces in the room with us now? Yes. And what are you bracing for? Bracing for my future. Impact? You want to get a back brace. I'm bracing for my future.

My future. My future. I broadcast television, babes. No, no, no, no. I want to get an orthodonture. I have maybe a psychological addiction to running

and because of my runner's knees I haven't been able to run and it is driving me insane. I need you to point to I need to direct your attention to something that needs directing to. Please listen carefully.

Running is a form of self-harm. You think? Long distance running is an actual form of self-harm for the human body. But I'm not even long distance. These days I'm like one, two, three, five miles. That's not long distance. That's a long distance.

There are people in parts of the world who run that every day to go get water. Boop, boop, bee-doop. But you have fresh potable water here at every location wait i'm not i'm not really because i strapped a turd to every spout in my house and so the water comes out brown and then it's yellow in the eyes brown and yellow bodak yellow bodak yellow cardi party cardi yeah first time i heard that song was by a drag queen. I had never heard maybe that aggressive, um, yeah,

that beat drops and she's yelling those words and they're all, and it, it, it, it's, it's done. It's jarring. It's done to me in a good way.

It was like, whoa, we're listening at the drag show. Everyone leaned in. Well, I leaned into her ASMR when she said, but yellow, yellow,

yellow, and also sports, sports. Cardi B's ASMR. Although the audio is far from perfect for W magazine. Unlike Fran Drescher's, which is very good. But yellow and her huge breasts heaving out of a corset that she had just had a photo shoot. And she says, can I have the rug? It's soft, soft, soft.

I got the tingle, tingle, tingles. That kind of stuff goes over my head. No, it should go. ASMR things. Really? I don't. You don't get the tingles? Corporate errands like my ASMR, I put that on and like fall asleep to it.

Okay, that's great. But you get the tingle, tingle, tingles. Okay, so this is something I probably talked about this before, but I need to talk to you about it again. When I was in seventh grade, Laura behind me in class picked lint off of my sweater and I got the tingles. And I thought it was sexual at the time. It was nothing of the sort. Then I went up to get extra help from the math teacher.

I sat right by him and he droned in a low voice about these math problems, which I did not want to understand. And I got the tingles from the crown of my head all the way down to the fingertips. It was a nervous system relaxation response. It was sensational literally because it was like- Because it's a sensation.

Yes. And they called it autonomic sensory meridian response because the meridian is like a whatever, whatever. I don't know. But this is long before YouTube, of course. And now that there's a whole community. There's a word for it. Well, yeah. When you were young, you weren't like, this is ASMR. No shit. And only 20 years later, I'm like, oh my God, it was that. And this guy, Jojo in Australia,

a student, 24 years old, 3.3 million subscribers on his channel. $13,000 microphone. Well, the things that give me boners. No, no, it's not a boner thing. It's not a boners no no it's not a boner thing it's not a boner thing it's not it's not a boner i'm saying perception of when it was young you're saying you thought maybe you liked that girl but that wasn't true right i was a kid things i thought maybe were sexy looking back i'm like no it wasn't just anything was sexy and because i knew so little about sex the mystery of it is something sexy happening here no it wasn't but you thought it was well there was no chub happening i remember a commercial where like it was like a flavored water commercial when i was like eight and this woman had cherries and the commercial was like

a cherry going in a mouth and i remember feeling like this is porn on tv well that's porn yeah i was like this is porn on tv miss dasani or whoever uh in the movie Boomerang, Eddie Murphy, so Stranger, played by Grace Jones, is a French crazy singer who creates a perfume called Stranger. And then the commercials that they come up to sell the perfume are so hypersexual. It's so fucking funny. They're like, when they're trying to name the perfume, she's like, I have a list.

After birth, still vagina. Yeah. And then she takes off her panties. It says, this is the essence of sex and puts them in the perfumery's face. Oh my God. Grace Jones.

Grace Jones. But she is her entrance crate attached to a helicopter. The crate opens up. A horse, human horse drawn carriage with her in it, bull whipping these people. It is unforgettable. Wow. And recently. That sounds cool.

It is amazing. Robin Givens, Eddie Murphy. Halle Berry is the actual love interest in it. It's so cunty, but what's her name? Lady Eloise. Eartha Kitt. Yes. She plays Lady Eloise.

Anyways, long story short, I swear. The interesting thing about it is that Eddie Murphy famously or not so famously had dalliances with certain ladies of the night and then he made fun of them on stage. The dolls, right? The dolls. had dalliances with certain ladies of the night who went on and then he made fun of them on stage the dolls right the dolls and this woman said there's um hollywood is run by undercover fags oh i've seen this yeah yeah like a boomerang don't fuck with me that was about him yeah and i didn't know at the time it was so wild girl it was so cunty. But, you know. You know, you and I often lament about some of the hurdles of being a professional drag queen and having relationships. And that's the tip of an iceberg compared to the experience of, you know, obviously it's still hard today. 20 years ago for a trans woman to find someone who would be amorous with them.

I'm not saying just sexual, but amorous and not keep them the biggest secret in their life. That's something you and I can't even pretend to understand. I can actually though, because I, though I'd never lived as a woman, I, I, I had sex with many, many men while dressed up and many of them would say things that I've told you before, the crazy stuff. Like if I saw you on the street, I wouldn't even know you're a man. I was like, do you have glaucoma?

So how long have you been blind? And you're gorgeous. How long have you been blind for? How long have you been blind? If I saw you on the street now, Helen Kelly would know. Helen Kelly would know. Is there a heavy haze?

Is there a thick fog? Are you three miles down the street? Yeah. 30 miles even. Is it via satellite from Mars? Is it from behind? Thank you. Are you in a cloak the street? Yeah, 30 miles even. Is it via satellite from Mars? Is it from behind? Thank you. Are you in a cloak?

Heavy bang, thick powder, no spook. Walk fast, no spook. But wait, wait, wait. So one, okay. The Trace Lissette that I, I'm in my Katie Couric era. I interviewed her for a Grindr podcast and I have a picture and I want to show it to you.

This is so good. Podcast, we love pictures. Please. By the way, while she's bringing up the picture, I just want to introduce that today we put out a call on Twitter asking people

to submit Q&As because if you want to come see Trixie and Katya Bald and the Beautiful live, we do a Q&A section. And I just thought on the pod, since we're kind of, I thought we could do

a little preview of what that's like. Wow. Yeah. Gorgeous. Trace Lissette. Yeah. Incredible.

The lashes, the lips, the hair, the skin, everything. Good for her. Hi, Trace. I never met her. She was in Hustlers. She's in this movie, Monica. She was in Transparent, of course. She was... Her word's not mine. A post-op transsexual with a Bangkok pussy.

Well, as you know, I'm watching Top Model and we talked about ISIS being like... Oh, not ISIS, the organization. No, ISIS, this trans woman. And now I'm watching David's putting on an all-star season. There's a Top Model all-stars where it's girls from all the cycles who are competing again. And this

cycle, it's not just modeling. It's like personality challenges because Tyra's looking for the next girl who can be a brand like Tyra. Of course. So it's a little more like Drag Race this season. But Mario Lopez flat out asks Isis, you know, again, this is decades ago, decades ago. Katie Couric style. Asks, are you comfortable talking about your experience living as a man? But she says it a little clunkier than that.

He does? Yeah. Yeah. You know, on camera to sort of like, maybe not check before camera to see if that's even okay to ask on camera. Again, at the time, this was a very sensitive approach. But I guess it's good that two decades later it's shocking because I guess that means growth. Just like Carmen Carrera

and Laverne Cox on Katie Couric. Love. Love. When Carmen's like, no. She shushed her. And then Laverne, the diplomat, came on later to explain why is this a teachable moment? Why is this a teachable moment? Why was it inappropriate?

Because I believe, my opinion, that it would have been the same line of questioning like, Katie, what do your pussy lips look like? Are they gray? Are they huge? Do they flap in your underwear? Or if you and I went in drag and they always love to ask, what do you do with your dick too in drag? I leave it in the microwave. It's in a safety deposit box in Baltimore.

Yeah, in Boston. Yeah, in a sex change clinic in Bethesda, Maryland. Yes. I mean, I never understand why that's such a thing. It's nobody's business. People always ask, what do you do with your dick? It's nobody's business. How long do you take to get ready?

That's fine. That's fine. That's glam. People are always like, what do you do with your dick? And I'm always like, it's not even a good story. The stork takes it away. It's attached to me in a less obvious way right now. Right.

And it's none of your beeswax, baby. You know, it's the bound, bound titties. That's my dick right now. It's bound titties down there. But nobody needs to know.

And it's nobody's business. Cause I was thinking about this talking with Courtney Act and now, cause she is really, really so she's on the the razor's edge of man and woman she could use some hips but it's that's another point um and I was like we were talking it over and like where does the discussion stop and why does it stop at this place what's between your legs why do you want to know because you either want to fuck me or kill me that's a good point or control me. That's a good point. Or control me somehow.

It's nobody's fucking business. You want to fuck me, kill me, or control me. Or at best, you're trying to create a moment on the internet. You're trying to use my body as a way to get clicks and views. That's sensationalized. But even on Sally Jesse,

you're asking because you want, you want that. It's like the morbidity of it. It's like the sensationalism. And what do you do after you poop? Do you flush it? Do you play with it? Yeah.

Do you eat it? Do you eat, do you juggle a couple of those turds, Ms. Quirk? It's weird that like, if you traverse lines of gender, as we traditionally know them, you apparently forfeit the dignity of like certain parts of your life.

Just not even, you know? Yes. It's one thing if we're good duties and we're out to dinner and your life. Just not even, you know, yes. It's one thing if we're good duties and we're out to dinner and we've had glasses of wine and you go, you know, I, I,

I respectfully have a question I've always wanted to ask. Yeah. Cause I know we have so many trans friends and it never crosses my mind, but maybe that's because at a young age, like I started seeing naked trans women in dressing rooms and whatever questions I had got answered without having to talk about it because I saw naked women all the time. How about me and my family watching The Crying Game together? I've never seen it. Okay, let me tell you what happens in that movie.

My family and I, my mom, my dad and me sat down watching The Crying Game in which a woman opens her robe and there's a fucking penis and balls there. And then the man, Stephen Ray, throws up, throws up. And then it was parodied on Ace Ventura with Lieutenant Einhorn, Sean Young, where the whole police force throws up when they discovered she has a weenie in her panties. Humiliating, disgusting, despicable, unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Yeah. Crazy.

Crazy. The vomiting. Let me tell you what actually happens. The men who come to my apartment, who came to my apartment and wanted the weenie in my panties didn't vomit. They did something else. They're thrilled. They sucked the dick girl. Yeah. They love it. They, they wanted the candy. Like ladies should believe style. I have a man's toolbox hiding my candy. They came for the candy. I was the candy lady. Right.

They can be man. Yeah. I mean, they didn't come for, they, they came for that reason. I didn't have breasts, boobs or titties at the time.

Well, you had them, but they were in a drawer. Yes. They were here. I cheat tea, heavy, thick, natural, like subway where he had a tray and you had the different size titties the different

size hips and you were like uh-huh and did you want big juicy titties yeah yeah a cups okay great okay and did you want day steering you know he kind of built you like a synthetic yeah a hundred percent or celebrities you're like are you feeling a little more melina michelle piper tonight are you feeling to recall yeah Demure or sleazy? Yeah. Like brunette or blonde? Brunette. Brunette.

Building Melina. Yeah. Fierce. It's cunty. Yeah. It's cunty. Did you feel sad when sometimes those men said things like that? We're almost like if it was a different world.

I felt confused because I fell in love with many of them. Because they would kind of say to you, they're basically saying, if I didn't have, if I didn't care about society this much, I would be able to care about this more. Yeah. Literally this guy who went to jail for seven years marijuana conspiracy moving large, large, large quantities of marijuana. I know that queen.

Marijuana conspiracy. She was on season 12. The ganja. Those were the original. Ganja pussy. Ganja pussy, marijuana conspiracy herself. He ate my ass from the thing to the bone, like little Kim says. It called up his girl and told her we was boning.

You know that one, How Many Legs? He came over on his lunch break often. He was a construction foreman. He came in with a hoodie with no shirt underneath. And then we would do it

and he was so turned on that he had to like stop himself all the time from coming. All the time. Stop himself all the time. Well, that's, I've been with many a straight man myself. They come in vibrating and pre-coming. Yeah, mad as hell. They come in an exhale away from coming.

Broke, fat, nasty, career in shambles. They come in that room mad as hell. Because you're there like 4 a.m. porn hub search. Fantasy. They are so worked up. Oh mama, they're worked up. They're worked up. And then unfortunately for many experiences, I've not had the misfortune.

But once they come, that's when the violence and the guilt and the shame can kick in. And then they murder you. You're very lucky when I think about it. I'm also extremely strong and have a lot of knives in my apartment. Let's take a break. Okay. What does possible sound like for your business? It's having the spend to power your scale with no preset spending limit.

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I do think you're very lucky that none of those men went into some kind of weird shame spiral and just turned on you. You were? Yeah. I was a date, R-A-P-E-D. I'll say this is very trigger warning, trigger warning for honestly. Yeah, yeah.

I was, so this is a guy. He was a big muscly guy on steroids. Not big. He was like five and eight. And he used to love me to pound him. Okay. He was a big old bottom. That's what a little, I don't think people realize that's usually what they want.

Usually what they want. But one day I had lost my boner for whatever reason. And this is before I even learned about what Viagra was. Did you shake in the couch? For Viagra? You lost your boner. Oh, I was in the microwave. I hate that.

I know. And it was all like soft because of the microwave. Anyway, so I was in the microwave I hate that I know and it was all like soft because of the microwave anyway so I was horrified but I had been this was after when my year of sexual realization at 30 I had been training my butt

very slowly and softly with butt plugs small ones incremental this is before you moved on to pylons yeah

and I said he had a teeny little weenie so I was like why don't he throw that little weenie up there and let's get it cracking. You know, let's get it cracking. Perfect. Perfect for you.

Trainer weenie. Boyfriend dick. Dagger dick, unfortunately. Sharp. Sharp and like a pencil. Pointy. Pointy and hard as hell. Pointy's hard.

Hard as a nail. Yeah. I like soft, thick, and kind of 75% hard. So I was doing it and I was like, this is unpleasant. I was like, and then I was like And then I said Stop I don't like this And he wouldn't

And then he He said The classic line Just let me finish Date rape par excellence It's the date rape 101 But that also just goes to show that The way they've been groomed

To view people like you Who present somewhere between a gender, don't, you're not even a person to them. No, no, this is, he would do this to any women.

I'm sure he's done it to many women. A hundred percent. It had nothing to do with my gender, unfortunately. Oh my God. But so then I, of course, I was like,

it was a date rape. It was not like a physical assault. It, although it was assaulting, let's not be, let's not joke about that. I was horrified and ashamed because I felt like this weird, bizarre emasculation in a sense,

because I wasn't able to perform and deliver as a man. But then I'm like, also I'm like victimized as a female character, truly bizarre. That's really complex. Yes. In the moment to like process. And I didn't process into like 15 years later.

Yeah. Because I continued to have sex with him after I discovered Viagra. Talk about cycles of whatever. You know what I mean? It's hard to leave that relationship. Hello. Well, the other thing is it's a little bit like there's already less people to date being, let's say a male attracted to a male. If you present as female and you're looking to have sex with men who are interested in somebody in your situation that's even less people

so there's also not like you can unscrew a light bulb and put another one in well unfortunately actually yes because in Boston the supply and demand worked well in my favor sometimes I'd have three guys in a night well you're also gorgeous this is no tea I look better now Apply and demand worked well in my favor. Sometimes I'd have three guys in a night. Well, you're also gorgeous.

And you were, this is no tea. Thank you. Well, I look better now than I did then, unfortunately. So it was strange. I looked older then than I do now. In drag, Mary. You're a better makeup artist now. Honey, if I had a human unit in my current body.

They would have been like. But you weren't as muscly either. You were able to do like sinewy. Yeah, I was sexy and very flexible. Because that was my yoga days right and i was sober girl i was 100 sober so that was the that was like a healthy body right healthy not youngish hydrated tight not hydrated but definitely like i'm gonna drink on water let's not get anything twisted but i mean i used to fuck this guy named dylan this guy, he was 21 years old from Southie. He was a Marine.

Mama, this motherfucker would come five times in a night. Yeah. He was so virile, so sexy, so open-minded, so smart. We would have a cigarette break. He'd come, we'd take a break, have a cigarette. I'd massage his shoulders. The dick would go up. Do your lips come right off?

Mama, in 10 minutes flat, all of this is in somebody's ass. And the problem is, you like those bold lips. Do you put on lighter lips for that? Sometimes I try and it all gets washed up in the booty hole. Because honestly, liquid lipsticks hadn't been invented yet. No, and I was using Russian Red by MAC. Which moves.

It does move a little bit. They want the approximation of a female character in the dark which is what I gave them. But these guys in it again. Yes. Mama, they want Taffy Puller. They want like they don't, they want their, they have their fantasy and they try to coordinate that with your reality and

something gets, something in the middle happens. I don't know what but everybody's. I don't like that. I'm sorry that all happened to you. No, no, it's okay. I guess one of my issues with it is I assume that part of your queerness made it impossible for them to also like give you personhood and dignity and respect. And like in that moment it was about him and what he needed and not about you at all.

Yeah. And that's just about like men taking stuff and and putting... Fuck a pineapple. Fuck a watermelon. Fuck the American pie. Be like that person on the internet fucking pasta. Exactly. Fuck a pumpkin. Somebody's always fucking pumpkins. I subscribed to an OnlyFans guy where he was deep digging a pumpkin.

I was like... Go to a cheesecake factory. Get a chicken tetrazzini. Chicken Tetrazzini. Fuck that chicken Tetrazzini. Go to the fucking Courtyard Marriott. Get one of those margarita flatbreads. Throw your linguine in a tetrazzini. Go to that fucking Courtyard Marriott, get one of those margarita flatbreads.

Throw your linguine in a tetrazzini. Yeah. Okay. Well, let's take a break. This is the Q&A questions here today. We do have some Qs

and some As. We have them curated by Tracy here. All right, Tracy. All right, Tracy. Because I just don't trust. I almost put on my Twitter. By the way,

obviously we will disregard all stupid joke questions. Because I knew these bitches are going to be like, do you believe in milk and cookies? Next. Next. Girl. Thank you. No, sorry.

Next. It's not the crack up you think it is, Gina from Idaho. It really isn't. It's the quacker factory. Okay. It's the quacker factory. We have a call in from a person called Lady Bunny 77. When will you both retire?

Well, bitch, you're still working and you're 70 years older than us bitch so i'm so glad you asked girl what is she she's actually got to be 60 early 60s 62 maybe yeah and she's not retired and she's listen she still looks good she still looks like fucking lady bunny and if she's still that demo i received from her that My Love, Honey, I'll retire when you stop making music, baby. No kidding, Bunny. I mean, Bunny's music, honestly, I think the music she's done in the past five years is the best music she's done. Take me up high, way up to the ceiling, it's heaven.

All the remixes are cunt. But if she stops making music and she stops twirling, then I'll stop twirling. There you go. It's a standoff, Bunny. If you quit, we'll quit. Hop, hop. But if you do quit, can I have your dresses?

Because I do think that she and I have some connective tissue. Thank you. I mean, I'm lazy, but Bunny has figured out to make, you never look at Bunny's outfits and go, oh, she's calling it in. Yeah. Oh, she's so drab today.

That's her drag. Yes. With a drab, with a drab, grim affair. Those wigs. It's too much. Her skeleton, when she dies

and she donates her body to science, I don't know what, those heavy wigs, her spine is going to be like a freeway. It's giving spina bifida Yeah Not the lordosis Not the lordosis What is each of y'all's favorite memory working together?

Ichiel? What is each of y'all's? Oh, southern What is Ichiel's favorite memory working together? Oh Mine is so random. Talk about it. I don't know why, but when we did Trixie and Katya live,

every night there's this part where I grab you and move you upstage. Wait, no. My favorite is the, when you go, that one. That almost made me laugh every night. It's so funny. And sometimes I was so sweaty. I felt so gross. But when I was dry-ish, it was a lot better because I was flinging sweat into the crowd and onto

your face, but, but the, um, the, I would grab you and I would, I would try to do this moment where I grab her shoulders and talk to her and she would flail and it made me laugh.

And there was this one time where I think it was like a record scratch and I grab your shoulders and walk into the fridge and I go like, what are you talking about? Yeah. Every time I looked at your little blue fridge and I go like, what are you talking about? Yeah. Every time I looked at your little blue eyes, I was like on the verge of laughing on the verge every time. So sometimes I would laugh and you go, what? And I was like, nothing.

I'm just unprofessional. Like nothing. I also loved my favorite moment is like when you were over at dot com slash I can't do it anymore. Before the show, I would would have I would naturally have to and of course loved to mobilize my mental health yeah because you can't have two bad eggs in the basket no no

and then there was it was rare it was rare but like I was like okay good okay okay okay and before we get on stage and I was just like okay we will sell this house today I know and I would be like I'd be like don't do all that what is this about you know and then sometimes um sometimes we And I would be like, I'd be like, don't do all that. What is this about? You know?

And then sometimes, um, sometimes we would, you would be over it. Cause it's almost like whichever one of us was, you know, it's like when two people have dying iPhones and it's like, I'm at 10%. Well,

I'm at three. It was sort of like, sometimes it would be like, well, you put two thermometers of our asses and whichever one of us is, has a higher fever, gets the medic, gets the doctor's visit. You know, it was like, well, you put two thermometers up our asses and whichever one of us has a higher fever gets the doctor's visit. You know, it was like, well, here we are again. Love, love.

Sometimes we want to talk a million words being communicated a moment. You and I would walk up to the stage before show. We go up to curtain and we just go. The sigh heard around the world. Yeah. Well, it's Madonna did a similar thing. She did some precedent.

They're like, you know, sometimes I don't want to go on stage, but there's 20,000 people out there. So I have to do it. By the way, you still have a process. And usually by the time I get out there,

it's fine. But everything leading up to it, sometimes my mood right before I go on has nothing to do with my mood. Once I'm out there. Oh no. Complete shift. Oh yeah. A hundred percent%. I recommend

if you ever don't want to work, just get 5,000 to 6,000 of people who love you to clap when you walk in. Yeah, or like 10 grand of them at Wembley. Yeah, it really helps to just walk into people standing and screaming. Do that at Starbucks. Do it at Office Max. And when they're doing it for you and not your understudy, because there's no understudy,

that's cuntaliciousdiva.com. Could you imagine? No, I can't because I'm not a real actor. Well, I listened to the You and Bianca episode and they were talking about like, if you go see, if you were going to see Bette Midler's like life story one-woman show, there's a Bette Midler understudy who does her show.

What? Because Bianca told you this on the pod. I don't remember it. Because I guess legally, if they show an understudy, they don't have to refund tickets. So you could go see an evening with Patti LuPone. And Patti's understudy could go on and do her.

And it's Carly DeBone? It's a woman in a Patti wig, like telling Patti's life story from her POV. And being like, remember that time I won a Tony? Cola Scola has an understudy in his show in New York. And if I ever went to, Mary, if I went to that show and it was not Cola Scola. It better be actually Mary Lincoln Todd. Honey, it better be.

I would leave. Yeah. Cause Andrew made the costumes. He made one for the understudy too. Oh, okay. Yeah. Cause I don't think they have to refund tickets if that happens.

I think that's why. How do you think each other's drag influences you? Whether it's makeup, comedy, aesthetics in general, is there any overlap? No, I think there's a perfect Venn diagram of like, um, yeah, you'll notice I've never inspired her to put hand makeup on or put nails on.

No, you have, you inspired my hand, my body makeup journey, which is still a TBD. I was going to say, you know how they say a journey starts with one step? I'm on the pre-step. I'm on the pre-step for the actual step to start. No, no, no, no. But I did for, when I feature, so nails, I can't.

A lot of times I did it on the first day. But you used to love it. Well, because. You used to feel it. But so, this is gross. Can I say something gross? Yeah.

Okay. I do the nails, right? And they're cunty-licious diva. And then I feel so pussy, pussy, pussy. And then I take the nails off and file down off the glue because those stick-ons don't work for me. They don't stay on. Okay. They just don't. Then I go to pull the taffy and bits of nail glue get onto the penis. And it feels like, I don't know, jerking off with a piece of sandpaper. Do you know what Tammy called it? No, She-ness. Tammy Brown called it her She-wee. She-wee Herman. I know. So, but the hand makeup and the body makeup is non-negotiable now.

You have a relationship with jewelry that I don't have. You'll notice in drag, I don't care for much jewelry. I love jewelry. It makes me feel like a woman. And when I see you sometimes roll out a suitcase of jewelry. Oh, yeah. I am sometimes like, I wish i wore more and better jewelry the too much the chagrin of anybody working for me uh such as fina perhaps um when i

say where are all the gold earrings and i mean now i don't i don't fight with fina who by the way skinny licious diva yeah i wouldn't try to fight with fina either no six three boom no thank you she'll tell you exactly she'll say well i didn't bring them all because I didn't want to love but she doesn't do that anymore she's hustle Tina now good for her so previous employees of mine wouldn't

would want not want to bring all the jewelry and when we get on set because a stylist for example at a photo shoot or a video shoot they bring all the jewelry

they bring everything they lay it out the jury the jury is out the rur-jur jury duty somebody's on jury duty yeah yeah yeah

and they say okay because this outfit calls for mixed metallics whatever whatever whatever this doesn't you know i just want it all there and it looks cunty right and that's what normal people experience yes brandon will really like he'll grab things he thinks will work and he'll grab whatever i say so that's everything that's everything yeah yeah fina would be like girl you're not gonna wear that and she was right fina would almost be like would be like, girl, you're not gonna wear that. And she was right. Fina would almost be like, don't overpack. Because she's a drag queen. You're not gonna wear that.

Because she's a drag queen. Right. Yeah. So her approach is always like, girl, I'm not gonna bring 10 pairs of earrings because you're wearing one. Yeah. But we did a shoot recently, me and Fina. Fina is, mama, I just.

She's bomb. She is the bomb.com. She's real. She is. So she's lost a ton of weight. And because of that, I think she has much more. Oh, it just looks so funny. It's just so great to see.

She's like a guru. She has life figured out. She's so happy. She's also 20 years in drag. Never look better. Never look better. And also she just is like blooming. She's only one thriving in 2024.

If you guys don't follow Fina on like bloom she's only one thriving in 2024 if you guys don't follow fina on instagram her story she posted a story from like drag yesterday and i was like she's thriving 2024 drag queens i know 2024 she's thriving yeah she's fierce um i also want to say uh we have very different points of view when it comes to our solo material oh yeah and i like it because i i a part of why I think I like working with you is because I. You're not threatened by my art. Not threatened. I'm certainly not threatened.

But I never, with your solo work, I never know what's coming. It's so not my voice or my anything. Because it's art. It cracks me up. Because it's art. You sent me some. Art is subjective. I will not criticize you on your art.

Fuck off. This is a. That's horror. Drack Mortar and Swantula not criticize you on your art. Fuck off. This is a... That's horror. Drac Mortar and Spontula. They know about my art. No, I'm not joking. I'm not making fun of them. I love them.

I love people. I do. I know a lot of people with that tambourine voice. Bert and Ernie? Yes. Big Dipper has that kind of tambourine voice too. Love Big Dipper. It's like very resonant, very nasal.

Yeah. I love it. Wait, wait. I'm going to do Delta podcast. Girl, Delta, her clips recently, there was, I saw a clip saying like, would you trust a plastic chair? Like a plastic lawn chair? And she was like, no, if you see me at your function and I'm not sitting, you know why? Cause she was like, I'm not going to sit in that chair. Oh, I'm not going to embarrass myself. Yeah. She says that this is for people who are 165 pounds and I'm not. I sit in that chair I'm not going to embarrass myself She says this is for people who are 165 pounds

And I'm not Delta saying, would you trust this And it's a plastic chair Would you trust mayonnaise from a packet? No Do you see you're talking about ranch? That's raunch Well, ranch is disgusting anyway, I think

Thank you I feel like I'm the only person in the world who doesn't That person, when I was a server. Ranch. I could smell a ranch person a mile away. I go up to the table and I go, you're eating french fries? And I go, three, two, one. And they go, and can I get a ranch?

And I go, yeah, you fucking pig. Yeah, when did the hurt start? When is the hurt going to stop? What are the little black things in ranch? You know, it's like white creamy with little black dots. What is that? Is it pepper? I would hope it's not anchovies. Because I heard in Caesar it's anchovies. What are the little black things in ranch? You know, it's like white creamy with little black dots. What is that? Is it pepper? I would hope it's not anchovies.

Because I heard in Caesar it's anchovies. What is Caesar? Bleh. The coldest one. The cold-loggered, cold-filtered, cold-certified one. Mountain cold refreshment. Coors Light. The chill choice. Visit CoorsLight.ca to learn more.

Celebrate responsibly. Must be legal drinking age. My question for both of you. When you shower, do you wash your bald head? This is from The Bright Henry. Oh, I love this. Do you wash your bald head with shower gel or shampoo?'m not being shady i'm genuinely curious okay well uh no shampoo would be fucking crazy because that's there's no hair i have news for you hold on let me tell you

something okay i'll tell you what i do i do every other day i do shaving cream and then i shave it with a razor and then i moisturize it or put oil on it or 10 skin after shave as well. I would say a lot of the benefits of shampoo are for your scalp, not for the hair. So there are many shampoos that would give you scalp benefit. Head and shoulders? Men's scalps generate about twice as much oil as women's scalps. So many men's shampoos tend to be like very sudsy to cut through oil. Interesting. So men have tend to have like very sudsy to cut through oil. Interesting. So men have tend to have oilier scalp.

So if anything, you still should use shampoo just to like cut oil on your scalp. But. Found dead. Scalp. But shaving. Shaving is so traumatizing to the scalp. It is. It just, it rips off the whole layer.

So I feel like it's, there's no point. Yeah. Also, I only have shampoo in the house for guests. When my brother came to visit with his full thick head of hair he's like do you have any shampoo i was like your brother has a full head of hair am i a nikki fan yeah he said the mccooks have hair the morons don't what a faggot that makes me so mad he's so mad i'm so mad for you mama you should visit the McCook clan. Huge jaws. Cartoon heads. Giant, thick, glossy hair. Some gray, some

not. And what are you up to? Mama, I'm the goblins from the moor inside. Kati, do you think Trixie has psychic powers or is she just a good friend who remembers that you like apple fritters? No, I do think that you have so this is, I don't want to get too woo-woo. We're in LA after all. This is the place to do it. I've eschewed astrology for Chinese Zodiacary

Plants? Fake. Astrology? Real? Well, Chinese Zodiacary is real The Zodiacary of it all? Dr. Sun She told me, she said, my year is Oh my god, what animal are you and what element? I think snake and she was like, oh, 34, she's like, the snake

she's like, this is going to be a hard year for you And I was like thanks girl You're the only snake that I know You're like a rat Search around for food I'm a water dog a wet bitch Snakes are tough Explain the sweating

You're a wet bitch The sweating Your zodiac is sweating I'm humping everything and sweating while doing it So I get along very well with everybody besides snakes. That's tough. I know. What element are you?

Can you look it up, Trace? I don't think I'm psychic. No, no, no. Wait, let me finish. I think that you have some kind of there is some kind of inherent vision associated with your heritage. Intuitive. More than that.

Intuitive is just perception. The more psychic occurrences I have, the less I believe in being psychic, the more I think I just am a little intuitive. I think that you have some kind of seer in you. A jibway. I've told you about my Uncle Joe. Have I talked about my Uncle Joe on this pod?

No, I don't think you should. Okay. I don't think you should. Okay. Is there a rude girl that scares you? That's such a loaded question. There's ones we talk about

that scare us and for that reason we will never tell you who they are because they scare us. Yes, that part. As far as like people I would never want to piss off,

if your last name has Muse in it, I want you to be my friend. T. I love candy, but like, I know if I ever woke up and said like, fuck Candy Muse, Candy Muse on Twitter would not be like, I'll let it go. You know what I mean? The vultures would be circling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a really great question.

I am not, I am, I'm, no, I hate some. There's just girls where like. I hate a couple. Or like Monet. Monet does have the time. If you, if you, if you, if you, if you fuck with Monet on like Twitter, Monet is like, let me just, yeah. You know, like I'm not brave enough to start a fight.

And I know somebody like Candy and Monet would be like, and would you say ball bitch? You know, like they would, they would let me know. I'm a little afraid of Raja. A little bit. A little bit. For what? Tranma. What are you afraid of? Raja. Her, just her, her, I feel like, no, I'm would let me know. I'm a little afraid of Raja. A little bit. A little bit. For what? Tranma. What are you afraid of?

Raja. Her, just her, I feel like. No, I'm not afraid of her. I just love her. Do you know she almost burned down my apartment once? I'm afraid of her again. All right. How far would you make it in the Hunger Games?

Girl. This person's Twitter name is currently packing a bowl. I'm starving. I wouldn't make it past. I wouldn't, the pre-step to get onto the The chopping block I wouldn't even make it that far You would start high metabolism You'd die early I would be in the

One of those people with the wigs on In the capital I'd be one of them hoes Yeah I'd be like Kill them all Let's have some eclairs I'm not very good at fighting

But I think I'm good at Well it's weaponry Yeah It's not hand-to-hand combat Right? It's like crossbows It ends up being both Bofa? It ends up being both.

Bofa? It ends up being both. Poisoning, drowning. Oh, jeepers. A lot of people in The Hunger Games die from, what do you call it, the elements. Being fierce. Dehydration. That's how people die in The Hunger Games. That's me.

A lot of them. I would get sucked into a lake and choke on my own vomit. But that's just like a Thursday. Yeah. Most embarrassing memories during your drag career. How much time do we have? No kidding. I have this great memory of you.

There's this gif of you in drag, you know, the one where you turn your head and the wig falls off and then your face goes, Oh, it was fierce because that wig had was so much, so many heavy, heavy synthetic tracks.

It had a mind of its own. Of course it was the momentum, the momentum. Exactly. You stop. Centrifugal force. It's spinning. That was, that's like not stop spinning, it's spinning.

That's like not even the tip of the iceberg. When it comes to humiliation and drag, I could write an encyclopedia Britannica. It's not even funny. It's actually quite, it's disturbing if I really think about it. Flopping as RuPaul in front of RuPaul is pretty far up there. Oh, I hate to belabor the point,

but yeah, flubbing the Glamazonian Airways. I ruined an otherwise fabulous challenge. Twice. Yeah. Twice yeah doing it twice yeah twice why do it once because i've seen you memorize a i saw you memorize a brand new mix for reverie in like a couple a couple days no no no all that was in the brain bucket it was the arrangement that i needed to memorize oh so you already knew the clips of course like the back of my hand it takes that I needed to memorize. Oh, so you already knew the clips. Of course, like the back of my hand. It takes me so long to memorize stuff, to learn the breaths. That was a spoken word thing. In less than 48 hours, it wasn't going to happen.

Especially since we never get paid to say things memorized. That part of my brain atrophied. The limb is this. But that mine has grown but it just takes so long because I was learning foreign language lyrics I didn't even know how to spell. So just doing sounds. But it just takes so much repetition. Anything takes a language lyrics I didn't even know how to spell so just doing sounds but it just takes

so much repetition anything takes a lot of repetition you know as a musician you can't learn to play the guitar in three weeks it takes 13 years

that's honestly the part of musicianship that I've always hated is the rehearsal I hate singing it 10 times for no one I hate it Eric Rusk

the horn player who sponsored me in Boston up at 5am blown on the horn every single day, every single day, seven days a week, 365 fucking days a year. Profesh. But that's profesh. Well, university professor.

Yeah. In the graduate school of music at BU. You both have done and still do different projects together with The Bald and the Beautiful Podcast, wrote books, went on tour, made music together Is there anything left that you gals haven't done that you want to do? Together? Just a hot porno tape A hot porno series

With porns happening hotly I think we could, I'm not even joking But when I see these fucking turds that have started cults If Mother God can do it Mother Goose can do it Did you watch Mother God? Not yet. I'm saving it for my palliative care scenario.

People eating so much colloidal silver that they're blue. Honey, you got to watch it. I got to go watch it in the car. I think we could do a cult. I do. I also think we could do, I think you and I could do a monthly Oprah's favorite things like a,

like a birch box. The, the, the pink table. Oh no. Yeah. Yeah. The subscription. 50 bucks a month. You and I pick out. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah. The subscription.

For like 50 bucks a month, you and I pick out some beauty products, some snacks, a DVD, and we basically send people like, here's our favorite things of the month. I would love that. That's fierce. Yeah. Did you watch, I watched Lana Del Rey on Instagram live last night in a parking garage in her car watching and flipping out about the Super Bowl. And I recorded it and remixed

it and put it on my instagram it was the lions maybe i don't know because jay why um i was like is this really happening is this really happening it was really happening she was in a parking garage alone in a car on instagram gagging about the super bowl on her phone where the audio kept going out and out it was truly bewitching. Did you watch the Alexis Stone, Lana Del Rey? I did. She's doing drag, baby. She's the tunnel under ocean boulevard, honey.

Hello. What was your first thought of each other when you met on season seven? Good question. I thought, funny looking. You know what's funny? Because of the way you looked, I was like, okay. Nothing special. No, nothing special. No, nothing special.

I just honestly thought like somebody who looked that deliberately like pretty and sexy was not going to be a funny person to talk to. Okay. I thought you were a very nice person. That was clear. Very nice. Whereas like people like me and Tempest, you can tell we're trying to be like waka, waka, waka. You didn't look like you were trying to be foolish.

I was like, so some whore is here yeah I was still right though yeah would you ever do a movie together if so what's the plot oh my god so easy

so easy international treasure um it's Mission Impossible Dead Reckoning Part 6 shot for shot shot for shot I would love to make

practical magic oh impractical magic I'll wear a black wig for that impractical magic and practical magic. Oh, impractical magic. I'll wear a black wig for that. Impractical magic. And you wear a red wig. Impractical magic. Sandy Bullock.

I'm talking shot for shot. Diane Weiss and Stalker Channing. I bet we can get them. No, no, no, no, no.

We get fucking, um, Bunny and Bianca. Love. And then at the end when they jump off the roof and fly, we don't fly. Dead. Yeah.

Dead. Yeah. Water balloon of blood. But it's, it's a high rise. It's a high rise in Hong Kong. High mat. We don't fly. Dead. Yeah. Dead. Yeah, water balloon of blood. But it's a high rise. It's a high rise in Hong Kong. Hi, Matt. We jump off high Matt onto the pavement. Hollywood producers, are you listening?

Yeah. If you were snubbed for Barbie, get on this train. Get on this train. It's going right into the station. No breaks. Well, you know, no one's going to call us. We're just going to have to call Peaches Christ. That's okay.

And then she's gonna call us Make us a financial offer And we're gonna say no And this is gonna be The end of the conversation So Impractical magic Impractical magic

Yeah fierce That's fierce If you had to get A matching tattoo What would you get I would get A heart A heart with an

Arrow through it Oh I love that Classic Classic yeah I've always thought For oh I would get That little pink, I love that. Classic, yeah. I've always thought for, oh, I would get that little pink bone. I love it. Classic. Ron. Would it be a cell phone or a

telephone? A little corded pink phone. Doesn't Ron have Thorpe? He might. I think he does. I would maybe get a Thorpe fan. All of us. If you ever get an Emmy, we're getting one. Oh, abso-fucking-lutely. Abso-fucking-lutely. Yeah. Absolutely. One night only. Unlimited budget. Anything. Any, Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely.

One night only unlimited budget, anything, anywhere you want project. What would you want to organize stage or public? That's such a crazy question. Wait, are you joking for real? Real?

Yeah. I mean, Oh my gosh. I, I, I, I, I would want to make a, it's like one event,

not a movie. Would they say it again? One night only unlimited budget, anything, anywhere you want to make a, it's like one event, not a movie. Would they say it again? One night only, unlimited budget. Anything, anywhere you want to do. What would you want to organize for the stage or public? The Superbowl halftime show. I think so too. Lana Del Rey headlining.

Oh, so you're not in it? No. Oh, okay. I thought they were like for us. No, I'm creative directing the Superbowl. We're just there. And it's Lana Del Rey headliner, only Lana Del Rey. Yeah.

In the most outrageous production ever, ever assembled of the most talented acrobats, singers, dancers, plasma video screens, the whole field. It's in another field. It's not in that field. They set it up all in a different field and they do live cast from the other field. And it's the most, it's like burning desire. She's lowered from a fucking helicopter into a giant volcano i mean it's like it would be unforgettable untruly unforgettable

all lip-synced of course pre-recorded just watching no i'm directing it okay i in this thing david is in the nfl and i'm taylor swift in the box beers yeah which box like a you know she's always like they watching. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you got a headset on. Yes, absolutely. What's the strongest perfume you own or favorite to wear in drag currently? Oh, oh my God.

It's always Ootsave the Queen by Atkinsons in drag. But my current faves is Smoke, Cherry Smoke and Lost Cherry. I knew you were going to say Cherry Smoke. Cherry Smoke and Lost Cherry together. Yeah. Conti. So beautiful. Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love Smoke and Lost Cherry. I knew you were going to say Cherry Smoke. Cherry Smoke and Lost Cherry together. Yeah, Conti. So beautiful. Love, love, love, love, love. Love, love, love, love, love.

I've been back on my Chanel Chance shit. Really? It's just like flowery. For girlina? Flowery. What about for boy Tina? Oh, Cowboy Grass by, I forget who makes it, Cowboy Grass.

By Earl Bucket of the Hollywood. I got it at Todd Snyder. Okay, I'm like RuPaul where I don't know, By Earl Bucket of the Hollywood. I got it at Todd Snyder. Okay. I'm like RuPaul where I don't know. I never know someone's real name. I always say like some accidental fake version of it. Tex Jones. Yeah.

I'm like, what's that store? It's like Macy's. I'm like, oh. If you could pick one dish to eat for the rest of your life, what would it be? Oh, easy. Yellow curry with white rice, chunks would it be? Oh, easy. Um, yellow curry with, um, uh, white rice, chunks of carrots, um, chicken and potatoes. I want the penny Rosa from noodles and company. No mushrooms. Add broccoli beers, Conti, and maybe one more. Um, Trixie, who was your favorite to play in Rocky horror? Katya, where were you on January 6th?

Oh, I was at the Capitol. I was jerking off in Nancy Pelosi's office. And the guy who wanted his hat back? I have it. I have it in my microwave. Oh my God. The horns? They went right up my ass. Bofa. I think that's all we have.

Thank you for joining us today. We will see you on January 6th. You know where. It's the First Rule of Fight Club. Bye.