The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Fisting is the New Kissing with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: September 21, 2021

Times, friends, they are a changin'. From a full-throated endorsement of the Cheesecake Factory's Skinnylicious Menu to an erudite debate about wigs in film to a profession of unadulterated love towards Panda Express's orange chicken, this week's episode begs the question, "Should Trixie and Katya spend less time together?" Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be helpful! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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The banging can be treacherous. Stay close to the microphone. The banging can be treacherous. I'm going to tell you that we opened this skinny-licious menu at the Cheesecake Factory. It's good. Yeah, I don't know. The regular portions weren't as giant as I thought they would be. And as a bitch like me who can gain weight from a stick of gum, I appreciate the limitation of don't show me the rest of the menu.

This has a slightly less calorie version of everything. Is it smaller portions or less calories or both? Both. But it's a lot of less calories. It's a hors d'oeuvre. No, it's not the burger. It's the turkey burger. You know what I mean?

Gotcha, gotcha. It's also extremely dark in there. It's dark. It's very dark. Did you go to the one at the Grove? Yes. Love it. Do you go on the patio, the upstairs patio?

You can sit outside? No, but we saw. You gotta sit outside. Yeah. I want to sit by the fountain. I cry at fountains. If there's any kind of choreographed display featuring water and music, it's Niagara Falls. There's a lot of good ones in Scream when they're sitting by that fountain.

Be like, I don't know how I should just kill someone. Yeah. And what do you say? Liver? Did they find a liver in the mailbox? Because I heard they found a liver in the mailbox. Yeah. Our friend Jamie Kennedy from the pod.

Our good friend. Our close personal friend, Jamie Kennedy. Yeah. That was surreal. box yeah our friend jamie kennedy our good friend our close personal friend jamie kennedy yeah that was surreal and then when i left that cemetery as i was trying to like boot scoot it out a girl stopped me and said isn't it funny that you made fun of jamie kennedy and now he's on screen right now and i said well no i didn't say anything i just no it's not funny because he's a hollywood actor he's that's a hollywood film yes it's funny that you're approaching me in a cemetery to talk about it. Yeah.

It's funny that I peed my pants and that I have to wiggle out of here before there's poop as well. Do you know you can pee without pooping, but you can't poop without peeing? Poop could always do pee, but pee could never do poop. That's on period. And period could never do pee. Do you see this? Yeah. What's with that? I think it's dandruff who would play her

um brushed linen fibers I love this the wiglet I love this wiglet you love it I do

did you ever get a piece um yes cause I put that piece on in your apartment a men's wig and I was enchanted transported to another realm

yeah there is a there is a man I know enchanted and transported to another realm. Yeah. There is a, there's a man I know that we know that we both know. Let's just say there's a boy. I know he wears a wig. It's so glued to his head. You would never,

ever know. And it's, I was like, wow, I want to, I really want to do like just outings as a different kind of um man character or just a man character let's say well i think there's two camps there's the people who i don't want to camp i don't like it no there's the people who wear the wiglet and have everyone around them convinced it's real and the people who are like yeah i just

thought i put it on tonight whoo it's wig night you know what i mean like men like marco monroe we all know it's a wig that's the fun of it yeah so i'm somewhere in the middle we're out we all know it's a wiglet but i'm gonna keep it i'm going to the grave with that secret with that secret the unit yeah the unit and i code of silence and you even though you're trying to have no one notice you keep futzing with it the whole time you're there. Yeah, and the glue is always coming off and sometimes it just completely falls off. It's a skew. And I go, oh shoot!

Look over there! Yeah, I try to do that and then, yeah. But I like, I mean, I wish men would, well I don't wish men would do anything. I actually wish men would all die. But it is fun to wear a wiglet. People should wear more wigs. Normal people should wear more wigs normal people should wear more wigs i don't know why it's um well normal people do wear wigs it's just for

some reason like this the men's toupee thing is like so you cannot admit it well it's like um african-american community women wigs no big deal your grandma wigs no big deal and then in the middle there's not enough there should be more wigs in general. Uncle Bob cannot admit at Thanksgiving at 55 years old that that's a toupee. Right. Yeah. People should just be like, oh, I put a wig on. Toupes are the tampons of the men's world. If I was a normal man and I had, let's say, a hairstyle, I think I would get a wig.

I would get a wig of my hair. A back up? A wig of my hair and just wear that. Like Nicole Kidman. Instead of you sitting in a makeup chair, you can walk in and put on the wig and leave. That's why every movie has wigs. That's why they do wigs. Because the person doesn't want to sit in the chair.

Well, think about the wear and tear on your actual hair and also continuity. The wiggery of it all. It's continuity, you know, like. But here's the thing, though, in terms of wiggery um someone was noticing the other day like when did wigs become noticeable because in the 30s 40s 50s all they were all wearing wigs and that wig game was flawless it was an hd television bitch i guess so eight millimeter they had a hard front wig on also people that know as much about wigs hitchcock though i mean that's not hd but it's still close up it It's right there. You never think wig. It's all flawlessly done back in the day. And now it's like boo boo nasty. Is it because of I was watching Killing Eve and I was like, I saw wet lace on a character and I was like, oh, shit, there is a sticky glue on that. The temples of that character's lace front. Well, do you remember like there's that iconic picture of Beyonce singing where she's like

scrunching her face and you can see the wig ripple, the lace ripple. But that's stage wear. That's theatrical. That's totally different. You know what I mean? Like I'm talking about on camera, editable, redoable. You know, that's like a live action is different. But like in movies and stuff, you know, they do glimmer glass on um just like rupaul

has done on her on uh game of thrones for generis or they did have you always never mind i was gonna ask have you always been not good at doing wigs but why would you have been good and then quit that doesn't make any sense when did you stop getting good at that when did you decide to suck shit well no i still what i remember learning about wigs because i didn't know any drag queens knew about wigs and i was like i'm gonna have to figure this shit out i never learned about wigs obviously um but you learned about sewing i guess i yes i learned about sewing how'd you learn to sew the streets the street the the school of hard needles needles up my ass fashion institute of new york fashion yeah no i mean i wrote about that for a little thing a little um sub A little Substack thing.

Let me tell you about this. I already told the thing. Let's repeat an imprint story. Before you say that, subscribe to our Substack. Oh yes, it is a newsletter. I know what you're saying. Oh, 1983 called and wants its stupid idea back. But no, it's great.

It's great. It's called Gooped. And we are giving you, I don't know what you call it. Mama, we're giving you life. We're giving you drama. 12 steps to being a fierce diva, honey. How to work and own your diva-ness. Yes, what pair of pumps should you wear to brunch, bitch? How do I find my fucking fierce faggot?

Let's get fierce with that contouring diva. See you at brunch Bitch Stick a fucking Firework up that cunt Yeah If you don't know me About my Birkin You don't know about

My workflow diva Bitch I just bombed The Capitol Yeah See you on January 6th Girl boss Okay

So that's basically Substack And it's fun And it's free Or you can pay There's a lot of options. I did interrupt you. Uh-huh.

Talking about wigs and learning to sew. And you were going to say something. Yeah. So back in the day, this is before Drag Race, many years, I'd probably say it was 2008, 10, 2012. For $80, I went to Sears and I bought a brother sewing machine. Just a boot scooting old brother sewing machine on sale. $80, I went to Sears and I bought a brother sewing machine, just a boot scooting old brother sewing machine on sale. $80. I have used that same sewing machine until this day, even this morning, to create 80% of the garments I have worn before, during, and after Drag Race. And you think that your garments are going to make people want to sew? I need you to just come with me for a second.

You too can look like a tired old show hag. You too can look like a sea hag that has washed ashore in the 1700s and has been preserved in jelly. You too can look like a hooker who's daylighting at Joanne

Fabrics. I would like to draw the attention to the very real observable facts that these garments have fetched hundreds, actually thousands of dollars on the international marketplace. You're right. But some of them are fierce, right? Yes, they are. I mean, don't even get me started.

I'm not talking about good construction. I've harassed you enough. I think you should start a small, limited edition, limited number line of dresses. So this is where our personal styles and philosophies diverge because that would be taking something that I'm passionate about, a Harby, if you will, and turning it into a workflow, which would mean miserable.

So I like to preserve this like Harby, hobby. Harby fully loaded. At the wig store once, this lady Darlene said do you ever think about getting a Harvey and she meant hobby Harvey yeah

anyways a Harvey a Harvey so it stuck with me you said do you want Hardys what are you saying no her name was Darlene she said Darlene

but she was Darlene had a Harvey interesting you want a Harvey yeah so but it's just for me. It gives me joy. It sounds like she was reading.

Like you were talking about your feelings. She goes, yeah, you ever think of getting a hobby? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, she, yeah, no, she read a lot. But I don't want to, I don't want to, I just want it to be for me. And the satisfaction, you know, of making a garment with your own hands and then wearing it and then getting tipped.

It's a rush. It's lovely. It's the full cycle of satisfaction. The full cycle of creation. Yeah. It's very exciting to have a gig and you're so excited to wear your new thing that you made. Yes. And somebody goes, I like your outfit.

And it takes a quarter of a second to go, I just made it. I made it. Look at the zipper. Look at the zipper. Look at the zipper. Actually, don't look at the zipper. Look at the zipper. Look at the zipper. Actually, don't look at the zipper. It's kind of crooked and up the back. I'm actually a very good zipper.

I'm the zipper girl. I'm the zipper. Zippers are tough, especially on stretch fabric. I know. They always end up puckering for me. I get that zigzag. I know how to not do that. What do you do?

Well, you've got it. Who would play her? What's her name? Holly Hunter. Holly Hunter in Top of the Lake. No, but it's so satisfying because let's be honest. Stage wear, Mary, ain't nobody checking for lining. Who cares?

Who the fuck cares? Does it shine? Do you look amazing? Wonderful. Can it last three shows? Can you move in it? Yeah. Can you move it?

Is it custom tailored to your nasty, irregularly sized body? Yes, it is. Because I've tried it on 14 times because I don't know how to measure. So I just do, do, do as I go. Oh, wow. Yeah. So you don't have a pattern of your body? I do now, though.

I do now, though. Andrew helped me make it. Literally made it maybe two months ago. Is it a bodice or what? It's just sleeves and a mini dress, like bodycon mini dress to the knee pattern paper. You never had that until now? This is what I would do. I would take an old,

whatever I had just worn and use that as a pattern. Sometimes I ran out. So it's like a game of telephone. By dress number 10, you're like, do I have a humpback? Yeah, I was like, wait a minute. How many goiters do I actually have? Yeah, it was like so crazy. So insane too.

But the thing there was that different fabrics have different stretch because I only do knits. I don't know how to do non-stretch fabric because that involves precision and measurement. Do you know how to do darts? I know I do darts, but I don't know how to... Like a fitted bodice?

Yeah, I can do that with stretch. Like on a catsuit, you have to do the darts in the back. Otherwise, it's, you know... But you just do a flat body with two back darts, right? The way that I do a cat suit i fold the fabric in twice in fours and then i make one cut and that's it work yeah it's like a magic trick it's super boring it's like a very boring magic trick that's not magical at all a russian pop blaring at ear splitting levels while you cut out one shape.

One shape. For two and a half days. But now that I have that pattern, oh, I just, any fabric. Oh, pattern. What about the heartbreak of tendonitis from cutting sequin fabric and shit like that? That's where the pizza cutter came in. The rotary cutter? I got me a pizza cutter.

The rotary cutter. Yeah. And I fucking, i got a ruler i got a thing we got a table it's a whole deal and i rip into that four layer of like it's like deep dish sequin pizza chicago style yeah uh goggles gotta put the goggles the half sequins flying through the air you ever hit hammered? You ever hammered beads for a seam? There's nothing worse than cleaning up after sewing sequins too. Half sequins, you'll find them for six months.

If you have rug sequins, never. It's over. Never. Sequins in your anus, sequins on your titties. Get into this. You know what I used? I started doing Rocky Horror back in the day. And you know during Rocky Horror, they throw toast, they throw rice.

So much crap. Props. Prop queens. So much detritus. The first time I did Rocky I was like 18 and I remember it was on a Saturday and next day Sunday I found a piece of rice in my piss hole in my piss slit A piece of rice and you know what it had cooked Pasta doubles, rice triples. I love rice.

Me too. I love basmati from Zanku Chicken. Most of the time, rice is the only level of effort I'm willing to make. Listen, how about this? Look at this. Rice and seaweed. You got your starch, You got your protein. We're taking a break.

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so your business insurance should be too. Whether're a shop owner a pet groomer a contractor or a consultant you can get customized coverage for your business contact a licensed td insurance advisor to learn more miso soup and a little bit of rice and you know what else is great when I'm really busy I eat like um paimei in Kill Bill

yeah like bowls of rice only and I'm like I gotta eat what's filling this one little sad cup of rice great oh no cup of rice is sad

a well cooked rice whether it's sticky steamed rice or basmati from Zenku um I don't even need any seasoning on it it's oiled so well. Do you like the Panda Express? I love Panda Express.

Nasty mall Chinese food. Sometimes I don't know whether to put it in my mouth or right up my ass. They have it in the pavilions in Hollywood. The pavilions grocery store has. You can get it to go thing? It's a whole operating thing. When you leave the grocery store, there's a Panda Express there. And I to go thing. There. That's a whole operating thing. Like I'm like, like when you leave the grocery store,

there's a panic express there and I'm gooning. I'm in there. Change is everything. You go to buy food instead of shopping for groceries. You eat the panic express and go home. Just orange chicken, white rice, and maybe a little steam,

a little dumpling. I may have told you this before, but I watched this show and there was these two people talking about the movie frozen. And one of them goes, do you like the movie frozen? The other person goes, I love the movie frozen. I've never seen it,

but they were dead serious. Like they love the idea of it, the fantasy of it, but they've actually never seen it. Isn't that great? That is so weird. Love it. Yeah.

Just, I just being enthusiastic in general, the positivity. Yeah. I love that. It's the rule of improv. Instead of going, I've never seen it. No, just being enthusiastic in general. The positivity. Yeah. I love that. It's the rule of improv. Instead of going, I've never seen it. No.

No. Shut the door. You go, yes, I love it. I've never seen it. And it's not the energy of like, yeah, I saw it before you. I've read it. I saw it before you and I liked it more. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you lie? How many times have you lied today? Sometimes I say I've seen movies because I don't care to hear that much about it. Sure. But today, how many times have you lied? I don't, I mean. I'm reading this book by a psychiatrist who says most adults tell maybe one to two to three lies a day. I don't think I have totally lies.

Mark came in and said, why did we reschedule Monday? We hung over or something? Yeah. Oh, okay. Great. Sure was. Yeah. When was the last time you lied?

I don't know maybe it's i'm not saying i don't lie i'm saying maybe i lie too regularly that i don't even know i think yeah that was the yeah the lies fly out of my mouth faster than yeah yeah but you know what they're it's of course self-interested when i lie but it's usually to like minimize someone else's hurt. Of course. Make a conversation. When's the last time you lied? Oh, three seconds ago.

13 seconds ago. Probably 10 seconds before that. You don't lie much, do you? No, I mean, I mean, I'm not good at it anymore. I'm not really good at it anymore.

You can tell. I mean, if like you're, you'll tell. You can tell. Well, I remember when we got detained in Australia, I was like, what are we going to do? And you're like, I can't lie.

I don't lie. I wish we could have gone back and done that differently. I know this is probably the 15th time we've told this conversation. But I never I never said this. I wish I would have just known to tell the truth. I felt like an adult who was a baby. Yes. Why did I think I was national security?

Catch me if you can. Wasting people's time. My time, your time, their time. Everybody's time. The country of Australia's time. The fans' time. Nobody cared. It was just, we should have said, yes, we're performing.

We don't have the right visa. Can we help us get it? Yes. Just upfront. No lie. Who is trying to lie to government officials? We're not drug mules. Us.

We're not drug mules. Full of grace. Yeah. Mariaules. Maria full of grace. Yeah. Maria Bamford full of grace. I guess the one tidbit we could share at this point is that I did have 16 kilos of black tar hidden in my vagina. So I guess the lie made. But not black tar heroin.

No, no, no, no, no. Just tar. Just black tar. Tar, you know, pooled. You were planning on doing a driveway when you got to Australia. Exxon. I got to lay down a driveway in Brizzy. I got to get these.

In Brizzy. I got to pave these drives. Briz Vegas. Briz Vegas. I got to pave these. Briz Vegas. No. Jailor in B&A flick.

A back together. In Briz Vegas. Eating brits with sprits. Oh my God. That was so bad. And not Australian or New Zealand-ish. I got to tell you some crazy A-list shit. What? Those poor celebrities get photographed poor but they can't go do anything yeah without being photographed those like alist people they can't do anything right one of my friends who's

super alist said that they can't go on a boat with their friends on vacation let's say without fishing boats going by. And trying to catch the same fish that they're catching. The person said, you look at the fishing boat, you notice that you see a little glint of glass and you notice that it's someone pretending to fish while someone with a camera is crouched behind them. Oh, it's like M. Shyamalan at the mountain, at the beach on Ola. Yes. Yeah.

Bones sticking out. So speaking of bones sticking out, Princess Diana, how many times are we going to have to exhume the corpse of this poor woman for entertainment purposes? And every time I played her, I would play her. Not me. Not me. Even I had to get the heavy lifting actresses. Yeah.

Kristen Stewart. Kristen Stewart. Me. Naomi Watts. I mean, I mean try to pick us out of a lineup we all look the same so it's yeah

why we're all the same in the ground why and the whole thing was oh she was just a regular woman okay great

Mary she's on the crown right now no more Princess Diana the most incredible story ever told once that family gives up all their gold

and feeds the English needy or whatever cures AIDS in Africa, then just let it go. Give up the ghost. Give up the ghost. Of the dead woman. Y'all chased that bitch into the tunnel and killed her. And now we're just going to like we're monetizing and see notes that are corpse.

That being said, if you died, mama, you better milk. If you don't think I would do some kind of Cher, Sonny Just Died press tour. Mama, I need you to have multiple hands milking. Mary. Multiple milking. The hardcover novel, Out of the Darkness, Sidney Prescott. The novel, the miniseries, the teleplay, the adaptation, the rights to the screenplay. The makeup palette.

The makeup palette. And then the line of merchandise. Grieving wear. Grief leisure. Mama, grief leisure. Yes, it'd be like makeup looks for people in veils. Morning veils. You're very in shape, but your friend is always on the fritz. Grief leisure.

Yes. You're at the donut store, you're at the donut place getting a morning bun. Get a morning veil. A morning bun, a crying bun. Crying bun. I would be on the view and i'd be like i'm ready to talk about what really happened that's how i would get an ellen yeah once you die everything's gonna open up for me yeah and you'll be like and it's got to be

strategic and you'll know intuitively when to kind of like you know you'll have the there'll be a sixth sense of like when to when to actually know you have well you have to wait of course no that's what i'm talking about like a three to go into like a three-month, no one's seen or heard from her. She's hiding. She's healing. Yes. And you have to do,

you have to flip because people are going to assume you're going into these stages of grief and you've got to flip the script every time. Well, no. Once people find out about me, I need to be in the throes of some kind of mental illness or addiction.

Yes. And then it needs to be your misfortune that catapults me into. In obscured. And it was first, it was used as a coping mechanism. Yes. But then it became, you know, whippets every morning with French toast or, you know, or, you know, or like the dust cleaner.

Poppers at the club, gooning at the club. You were writing my elegy on the, on the, on the keyboard. The hillbilly elegy. And then you used the dust off to get the... Yes. First thing. And then when I finally come back, I've colored my hair.

Yeah. I'm wearing a chunky cable knit sweater. Yeah. Turtleneck. And I'm on a couch drinking tea with Barbara Wawa. And your old teeth back somehow.

Vinear's gone. You got them back. Don't ask me why. I'm different now, Barbara. I'm different now. And I recount the whole thing and I talk about how I can't

help but feel like it's my fault even though in this scenario it's not suicide it's like no hit by a car hit by a car and I'm like

I can't believe it's not my fault and Barbara goes and Baba goes why would they because I bought and I go I should have been there

across the intersection saying okay now it's safe to go where was I I was at the Petco looking at parakeets again. I would get hit by a car at a broken stoplight

from a doctor's appointment that just gave me the cleanest bill of health. Do you know what I mean? Yes. And then Oprah would be like, was she your friend? Or were you... Do you love her? No, but what did she say to Megan and Harry? Were you silent? Or were you silenced? Do you remember lovers? No, but what did she say to Megan and Harry? Were you silent or were you silenced? Do you remember that one?

Yes. That was so good. I'm also ready for you to die and Wendy to catch wind of it. So anyway, what did you guys have been doing this weekend? I just talked to my mom. She told me I want somebody to get another haircut. Anyway, tell me who knows who this is. Yeah, wait.

So, you know, Ru is you know RuPaul right everybody loves drag queens everybody thinks I'm a drag queen I wear a wig I got big breasts yeah and you know

Katya she's fun right she's fun she does the splits she smokes cigarettes we all love her love her she's an icon she's a legend

she is the moment well she was stabbed in the face in Queens this weekend just saying just saying so and she doesn't have

more Instagram followers than me that that oh my god she is i oh wait wait wait wait wait wait in the beautiful wait wait wait i have the wendy cinematic universe is something that i recently discovered on youtube there's this there's this person called the vernonator vern i believe vern has or something something a young boy I think maybe a recent college graduate who has created a universe so rich so deep that any contemporary artist pales in comparison to the to the amount of like the rich tapestry of intellectual value that is gleaned from this YouTube channel. Is this the person who did like the clip of Wendy walking out silent?

And then it's like someone unlocking their phone. Yeah. And it's Wendy. You can hear her bracelets when she's dancing. It's the whole cinematic universe. And the Avengers are like Guy Fieri. Wendy. Wendy, of course.

And then all the people, the staff on her show. And then. Who else is on those Avengers? Who's. Oh, Meghan McCain. And then all the people, the staff on her show. And then... Who else is on those Avengers? Who's... Oh, Meghan McCain. Meghan McCain. It's... Oh, Mariah Carey.

Mariah Carey, for sure. Mariah Carey features in heavily. Nick Cannon. She was on The Masked Singer. Remember the lips? And there's this whole... I'm telling you, some of these videos, they're short ones called Ave Wendy,

of course, to Ave Maria. And I went to his Instagram and the caption was or the description was silent but Wendy and I almost lost I had to get up from the chair I'm telling you that me and Andrew watched every single one of these

probably four times in a row and just cracked our shit but can I tell you what would happen if I die okay I'm sorry okay if I die my dying wish would be that you capitalize on your line of dresses.

Next thing you know, you're at Crabtree and Evelyn or something like that and you've got a line of boogie dresses and you're fabulously wealthy and you can't believe... I'm Jessica Simpson.

Yes. With the shoes. I'm Jessica Simpson with the shoes. But if she had started selling shoes because someone died and told her to sell them.

Yeah. Grief hoppers yeah or coffin coffin clogs or whatever you know or if I die

you could start like a Kanye church oh that's oh yeah church whatever's beyond sobriety that I want you to start

wearing white linen pants well that's a cult yeah that's what I'm saying white linen pants shave the eyebrows I think shave the eyebrows i think i think um shave the eyebrows nike swishes oh what about what about um a cult where the first thing they do is um it's like scientology where they take your money and they force you into veneers oh tithing what dental tithing so you

don't owe me your your money i want your teeth yeah and they bind your feet bone tithing. So you don't owe me your money. I want your teeth. Yeah, and they bind your feet. Bone tithing. Bone tithing out. Bones. They bind your feet. Put that wallet away. I want them bones. So I'll be the bone collector once you die because what I'm really doing

is trying to make an ultra-trixie skeleton and using all the rest of my money to harness the frame. How many 206 bones in the human body? I believe something like that. You don't need all of them. No, you're not all doing something.

No. I mean, half of my bones don't even know where they are right now. How many bones have you broken in your life? Just the nose. Only the finger. That's horrible though. No,

it was easy on the trampoline. Just a backhand spring. It was just been like that. And I knew it. And I went click. It sounded like that. Just a click. god easy bone sticking out the nose was traumatizing because it is your face did it bleed and it hurt yeah it bleeded and it hurted and it's it's it bleeded and it hurt it bleed but it hurt it's a country song yeah bleed it and it hurt it and it

yeah it was horrible but it was a long time ago although now my nose is crooked we've talked about too many times. It's okay. We need to stop hanging out. I think we need to- Or become more interesting. We need a, what is it called? A trial separation or like a restraining order. What's the-

I want the more permanent one. Sabbatical. One of us has to die. We just talked about- Death to both of them. one of us has to die death we just talked about death to both of them

I think one of us needs to fake their death and one of us needs to die for real oh my god she just it's happening

it's all happening folks my evil plan is working you guys ready to rock and roll you just fell off your chair you fucking weirdo I felt like it was teetering and then I tried to test it The evil plan is working. You guys ready to rock and roll? Woo! You just fell off your chair, you fucking weirdo. I felt like it was teetering and then I tried to test it.

But then you just went for it. Yes and did. I felt like it was going and I just wanted to see how much further and then it went too far. I was comfortable with the fact that I might fall. You're a risk taker. I'm a risk taker. Are you going to go into Six Flags on the gay night? When is it? September. That's what I sound like when I get invited to fun nights. I'm a risk taker. Are you going to come to Six Flags on the gay night? When is it? September...

That's what I sound like when I get invited to fun events. I know. I literally have a free ticket for you. I think we already talked about this. What day is it? I have a VIP ticket for you, Mary. What day? Friday, September 16th or 17th. Oh, no. Oh, God.

You're going to be ripped apart by Candyman. Oh. Oh, God, you're going to be ripped apart by Candyman. Oh, oh, God. Another sex change. Wow. OK. Is it lit, though? I mean, I've been there twice. I'm so jealous.

I've been there twice. And I have to tell you, like, we just discussed gay events where we have to watch out for being not. Listen, I love to be recognized, but it's so dark there that you don't you only get recognized if you're within like feet of people. That's how it was at Synespia. We were next to Billie Eilish and no one talked to her. I know. It was so great. So Six Flags is the ultimate lit crunk turn. And I don't care who you are.

You do not have to be on Molly or K or G or whatever, because those are thrill rides to last a lifetime of memories. I love roller coasters. It's been so long. There's a Six Flags in Gurney, Illinois called Six Flags Great America. Used to go to that a lot. I love Six Flags. I love feeling like I am going to die. Do you fuck with Disney?

No. Do you fuck with Universal? Absolutely do not fuck with Universal. I fucked with do you fuck with universal i absolutely do not fuck with universal i fucked with her one time never again oh right we talked about this all right i went to take a big uh titted bimbo out on a date and it was just like uh this like it was like danny devito showed up i wanted to take out justin simpson i went on a date i felt like it was catfished at universal yeah it was nice because it's so close, though. Close to what?

To our houses. So. You can walk to Universal. No. No, I wouldn't now, though. I'd rather walk to the Dunkin' Donuts and Silver Lakes. Silver Lakes. I ran yesterday.

Oh, yeah. To Los Feliz and then back up around the hills through burbank almost to peg what yes yesterday and there's so much horse shit over there what that's how much that's like 15 miles it was 12 but there's so much horse shit over there because i did i guess that's by the more not the milwaukee zoo the los angeles zoo i guess they're walking the horses and the horses are shitting and no one cleans it up. Oh, so I saw human shit. For the first time? No, it was the celebrity sighting.

Camera Diaz's shit. No, it was like somebody probably between living situations just shit in the middle of a running path. Yeah. And you know, you smell dog shit. You smell this. It was human. What are you, a CSI veterinarian here? Dog shit smells different.

Does it? Yes. And then like animal, like farm shit smells different. Does it? Yes. And then like animal, like farm shit smells different. Well, cat shit tastes way different. Human shit is human. Yeah. And it's also a size, usually of a shape. Yeah.

It's always in a letter. And a taste. B, C, or D. The taste. Yeah, the taste. And when I freeze it and fuck myself with it. I know. And then get. That happens, you know everybody's into scat in la people start with kissing is fisting

now and scat is second base and third base is literally could right when i nut could you hack off my limb yeah while my whole family has been held for ransom for at least six to eight weeks in a Thai prison. Flirting is scarification rituals. Throwing knives. Knives. Gay people are on another level. I just love to kiss and hug. If I were to prank call, I would be my first name Amanda, last name kiss and hug.

Not hug and kiss. Kiss and hug. From the Philadelphia Kiss and Hug Amanda Kiss and Hug Yeah Amanda Kiss and Hug Let's take a break Yeah The collab that you always wanted is finally here Tim's and Nutella

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Small steps today means big wins tomorrow. With Chegg. Subscribe today. You got this. I didn't tell you about my diarrhea. We're back. Please, tell me about your diarrhea. I almost had diarrhea yesterday twice on my run.

I was... Uda-pipig. You're almost Uda-pipig'd. So what do you do in that situation? Would you go in the woods? I was doing like the... We're by Uda Pipig so what do you do in that situation would you go in the woods I was doing like the where by Griffith Park the trail

yeah and I was like great the one day I pick a trail run away from any restaurants or establishments I'm gonna shit my pants and I'm gonna walk

down this hill covered in shit and have Brandon come get me I mean it could happen but it didn't happen but I had to pull over

and like you're not shitting you're not gonna shit your pants it's sort of like the reverse of I think I But I had to pull over and like, you're not shitting. You're not going to shit your pants. It's sort of like the reverse of I think I can. You had to take a moment? Yes. But I didn't shit my pants. That means that I just willed the feces back in your butt or you just you just settled

your your intestines. Yes. Well, because I was coming off the hard hangover. Oh, OK. That makes sense. Yeah. You went 12 miles after a hangover. What is wrong with you? The day after a hangover. Oh, okay. That makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You went 12 miles after a hangover? What is wrong with you? And the day after a hangover.

Jesus Christ. You are a glutton for punishment. LA Marathon, November 14th. I think 14th. Why in the world? I'm doing it. I got a 10% off deal. Okay, so you have to pay to run 26.2 miles? You're going to hate this. Okay. I signed up for the Milwaukee one, but I can't do

it because of that thing. So I signed up for the LA one because I signed up for the Milwaukee one, but I can't do it because of that thing. So LA Marathon. So I signed up for the LA one because I signed up for the Milwaukee one, which is $90, early registration fee, $90. And the LA one I just signed up for, it was like 220 or something. Now, isn't it the case that you have to like, these are so sought after that you don't often get to do them? Well, some of them you have to qualify by being super fast.

Is that Boston? They sell a lot of it like tickets. Okay. Because they can't have a million people showing up to do something like this. Because there's people who work for the marathons who do things like hand out water, give you your medal, whatever. Oh, and they got to go home. You're basically paying for the convenience of running without water.

They hand you water. And there's a path blocked off. No traffic. No traffic. No red lights. No red lights. And you get those awesome little aluminum capes at the end. You really are.

You really want one of those. I think those are so chic. It has to be cold, though, to get one of those. That's fine. You know, I just love, I just love like a very strange looking thermoregulating cape. It looks very DIY. You look like the Jiffy Pop in the beginning of Scream. Yes. Or you look like, you look like somebody in the future. It looks very DIY. You look like the Jiffy Pop in the beginning of Scream. Yes.

Or you look like somebody in the future. Something's gone wrong. You know? I don't know. It's fun. I wish I, instead of bath towels

or shower, like in the shower, I'd use showers. You go to the shower and then dry off with a space blanket? Yeah. I think of those as like,

when I was a Boy Scout, those were in like our emergency preparedness wilderness kits. Now, what are they? It's basically an extremely lightweight way of carrying a blanket. Because the metal keeps the heat in. Gotcha.

Gotcha. Oh, you also wear a Jiffy Pop. You're literally Jiffy Pop. Jiffy Pop. You weren't a Boy Scout, were you? Oh, you, no. No. No.

I was the opposite of a Boy Scout. That's not a Girl Scout. Oh my God. Okay. Yesterday, we're at the Grove. Go ahead. Dramatic Oreos are Lady Gaga's Girl Scout cookies. Think about it.

Go on. Absolutely, they are. So this girl, I'm talking six years old. Eden was there. She can testify. We're at the Grove. Me, Fina, Eden, and Ellie. Or just the three of us. No Fina yet. This

little girl, very little girl, very tiny little girl comes up and says, excuse me. And I'm horrified because A, I think immediately she's a fan. And I'm like, how the fuck? How the fuck? I was like, I wouldn't be surprised. I wouldn't be surprised. But she was six years old and extremely put together and eerily personable for someone of this age. And she said, excuse me, would you be interested in purchasing an eraser? I'm doing a fundraiser for my dance class. Did you buy one? No, I said, you get the fuck out.

No, I was so, I said I didn't have any cash, which was a lot. You said, go down to the Lucky Horseshoe. They'll teach you how to pole dance for free. No, but we are having dinner. Would you like to come to the Cheesecake Factory? It was, there was no, her guardian or parent was nowhere in sight. It was, she was so, so small and so children of the corny, articulate, impersonable that it was so. It was like eerie. It was beyond eerie. It was creepy. Like Village of the corny um articulate impersonable that it was so like eerie it was beyond eerie it was creepy like right to the damn terrifying actually it was terrifying it felt like the

next thing would be like oh well i have this machete that i could just whip all of your you know i mean it was it was crazy and i want to buy an eraser you said i don't make mistakes you little bitch yeah i don't use pencils you fucking cunt get the fuck out I have an iPad kill yourself. I Just it was so weird and I felt it was like I was like relief that that she wasn't a fan, but then this horrible Year, I would have given her money. I only had a 20 in that fucking look. I wasn't worth 20 She could be dancing for Jesus for all I know. This is,

I want to say, alert, this is not pedo behavior, but what I learned from watching women's tennis is a lot of these amazing tennis players start at four or five years old. Yeah,

as many gymnasts, or athletes do. We know that pole dancing is extremely athletic. You want to get these girls on a party on the pole like right out the coochie? No,

but like, I guess you could be a gymnast as a kid. And then if you like at 18 started pole dancing, you could be the most sickening athletic pole dancer. Because if I was going to be a pole dancer, I would want to be like the Serena Williams of pole dancing. Right. Yeah. I would want to be like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like you can't take it. But the only way to do that would be to have some kind of body that trained through adolescence. I don't honestly, as long as you're wearing appropriate children's wear, um, and you could still put those lucite heels on. I'll say why you can't like hit the pole at six, seven years old, as long as it's tasteful. How do you feel about children playing with like, um, fake high heels, makeup kits? I'm fine with it. As long as they take it, as long as there's no disconnect, they have to have access to

a lighter, to cigarettes, to some cocktail. Do you know what I mean? It has to make sense. As long as they take it as long as there's no disconnect they have to have access to a lighter to cigarettes to some you know cocktail do you know it has to make as long as it goes full the orphan well right i mean you're not gonna you can't let a child play with grown-up stuff if you're not gonna let them do grown-up activities so i we should do a shot for shot remake of the orphan where you are the little girl and everyone in the movie thinks that you're the little girl the orphan have we talked about this i've dreamed about i hate us i know i think we probably talked about it maybe 14 times. I think we have too. Yeah.

I'm going to tell you a story right now that I've never told you before in my life. Give me a moment. Who would play her? I'm going to try to ask you a question that I don't know the answer to. All right. I'm going to try to ask you a question that I don't know the answer to. All right. How many siblings do you have?

Half or otherwise? And I'm going to say. You know. I'm going to say. Three. Yeah. Okay. How many do you have? I'm going to say two.

Yes. All right. That's it. We know each other. Twelve years into knowing each other. We know one fact about each other's family. And I know that- Wait, wait, wait.

Hold on. Hold on. Oh, yes. Red velvet curtains, mama. I know that your name is Brian Michael Furcus and that you were born on August 23rd, 1989 in Wisconsin somewhere. Brian Michael- Brian Joseph McCook?

Yes. Yep. You never- She never remembers my birthday. I don't know your birthday. Or her boyfriend's birthday. Who would play her? Is it May? You're a Taurus. Yeah. Is it April?

It's May. It's May. Is it the 13th? Very close. Just take off the three. Is it the first? Yeah. Yeah. Full five second time elapsed for me to understand what that meant. It's not that we even, I think people don't understand. It's not that we.

Also birthdays, Facebook. I don't, I'm not on Facebook, so I don't know anybody's birthdays. Is it sad that we have to get paid to hang out this much to cultivate one of the only genuine friendships in my life? We have to be paid like a 401k. Is it sad that I had to Google your birthday before I wished you happy birthday? I feel so much better because I'd never know your birthday. I had to Google it because before I posted it,

I was like, oh, these children, if I get it wrong, I will never hear the end of it. Do you know what I mean? Because I did like, happy International Women's Day like two days late once and I'll never forget it you know so did I tell you I went to the CVS to get a prescription filled on my birthday and the girl goes oh happy birthday and I was like how did you know that

she's like it's on your ID but I thought I was getting clocked at the gate yeah yeah yeah did I tell you about the did I tell you about the woman at the Versace store no oh bitch did I tell you this no I don't think so I went and bought myself this really cute little Versace bag. So you have been popping off.

You have fully settled into, it's Lisa Vanderpump, isn't it? She has turned you. It's Lisa Vanderpump. Yeah, you're driving. We don't know that she has a Rolls Royce waiting for her outside. Well, two part story. I went to Lisa Vanderpump's for my birthday. She invited me over.

Yeah. Champagne and caviar. On her hill by her pool, she set a beautiful pink setting of a table cooked dinner for me she did yes or the help no lisa lisa and ken and me and david set out and had dinner for four of my birthday she brought out a cake with candles on it with my name on it and sang to me and then gave me a gift it was like so fancy and lux i almost cried oh my god and i was like your food is so good i was like this noodle dish it tastes like really good hamburger helper and she's like what's that i was like oh it's kind of like a working class food but i think it's like in a box and you add

meat and she was like what's working what's she was like you think my my dinner tastes like hamburger helper and i was like but like good like good hamburger helper didn't you say her favorite movie is peter rabbit yes and i was telling her about seeing screaming she's like i couldn't have done that and i was like it was sorry it's not peter rabbit she's like i saw the second peter robin and it wasn't as good the rabbits were good though like they're actors like the rabbits are actors she is so funny wow two-part story i went to the versace store because i wanted to buy me something, something nice for my birthday.

And I get this great purse, pink, beautiful. I'll show you a picture. It's stunning. And then I, so apparently at these rich stores, if you don't want to carry things around the mall, they courier it to your house. So I got this pink robe, this Versace breath bathrobe. And then I got this handbag and I go, I don't want to walk around the mall with this. Can we get this like delivered? they're like yeah just write down

your address and stuff right here the next day i think maria from the versace store goes by the way i noticed your boyfriend david was eyeing this robe we had it in his size i was like how did you know his name was david diabolical and then she goes and we're gonna have your package sent out today happy birthday by the way and i go how did you know that i was and she's like also scream yeah we took the liberty of um uh uh kind of clipping that gangrenous toe off and um somebody from cedar sinai is going to be down to stitch it up for you we took a quick pin prick and got your blood type did you know that you had lymphoma well so then i go how did you know it was my birthday and she goes it was on the internet

yeah I was like oh Mary the amount of care and attention that I've received from shopping at the Prada store in Chicago one time is more affection and care than I've got

from my parents in my whole life it's crazy but that's what my friend Jesse said he's like he comes he's very

like his family they live in billions you know what I mean he's not a Vanderpump he's very, like his family, they live in billions. You know what I mean? He's not a Vanderpump. He's a Vanderbilt. Exactly. And so he explained to me very succinctly one day, he's like, oh, it's like the food is great, but it's the service. At that tier of luxury, it's the service you're paying for.

These people are going to give you three gallons of their O negative blood if you need it. To drink. With those shoes. Yeah. With your Starbucks. Like, they will do any, it's all about the service. Because the shoes are great, but. Can I get that bag in red?

And can I have him killed? Yeah. The handle. I don't know. The bamboo. Maybe just his arm. Maybe his arm. Can I get his radius whittled down?

Yeah. Well, they will do that. Because, I mean, look at, you go to fucking any designer. Yeah, it's leather, whatever. It's great. But it's all the wrapping, the care, the sucking of the ass, the like the coddling, the commis. I mean, they're like, it's crazy. I'll say this.

Being able to go to a store, shop for things in person and not have to walk out and carry anything was lit. Yeah. It showed up at my door the next day i've never heard of that that's crazy i wouldn't trust them it was nice that's crazy do they do they come in a nice outfit or did they send a courier they sent a courier oh a person in a suit were they dressed like donatella versace that would be incredible she's like we're so happy that you bought this gift you You should do her for Halloween. I know I wouldn't take much. Oh, no.

Oh, that's what I will. I will do her. And I'm going to go as Gaga in the... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is just an Olive Garden commercial. I refuse to believe that's a movie. That's an Olive Garden commercial. Well, it'll... You know.

Yeah. People will love it. She'll do a six month tour. She'll do 101 people. There could be a hundred breadsticks in the room and only one's got marinara. There could be a hundred bowls of soup and only 99 of Ma's gravy drizzled. Yeah. But all it takes is that one breadstick.

There could be 10 gabagools. What is gabagool? It's a, it's like a fajool. Have you ever gone to Rios in Hollywood for dinner? No. Bitch. Go to Rios in Hollywood for dinner? No. Bitch. Go to Reos in Hollywood.

It is a film. They got Maz Gravy. It's a television show called The Sopranos. They got Maz Gravy there though. I don't know what that is. They got fajool. I don't know what that is. It's an Italian restaurant.

And like the door guy is like literally, you know his name is Big Pussy. You know his name is Big Pussy. He's like, ah, what'd you got on Friday? Right on the weekend. You got plans? It's like that. And I'm like, I don't know if you work here, if you're hired for ambiance. Like, are you a day player here?

Are you an actor? Yeah. Are you a Star Trek day player? I love that. What is it called? Raos. R-A-O apostrophe S. R-A apostrophe O. I'm sure that's the American.

R-A apostrophe. I'm sure it's like apostrophe O. I'm sure that's the American. R-A apostrophe. I'm sure it's like Rouse or something. Okay. I'll check it out. It's really good. They sell the marinara in the grocery store. Moz gravy. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, on that note. Well, hunting's dangerous. Yeah. Hey, catch us in your mouth. I'll give you a prize. Catch us in your mouth. I'll give you a prize.

Ooh, you're cute. Bye. catch this in your mouth they give you a prize oh you're cute bye