The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - From the Equator to Your Posterior with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: October 17, 2023

This single-origin, unapologetically bold (and bald) podcast goes down smooth with white chocolate undertones and lusciously complex flavors. Brimming with a rich, full piquant finish, your morning routine will be the perfect start to a dark journey through the wonderland that is Trixie and Katya's grey matter. Pairs beautifully with morning wood, your derrière, and a thick, milky bowl of steel-cut oats drenched in honey from the island of Dr. Moreau. Check out SquareSpace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://www.SquareSpace.com/BALD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain! This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp Therapy Online. Visit https://BetterHelp.com/BALD today to get 10% off your first month! Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Wow. The studio does smell like a dead cat. Shut the fuck up And does It smells like you took What is that lipstick on a pig A soap on a dead cat That's why I think you have So much taxidermy in your house You're like

Oh that dead animal smell Oh no that's her That's Beth That's Beth right there Yeah Beth the boar With the babushka thing You know about her

Yeah You know about her Love her Love her What's the What are we gonna talk about We're talking about music. Really?

Makes the people come together. 40 years of hits. 40 years of hits, bitch. What do you mean? I should go on tour with 40 years of hits? I don't think you dare me to go on tour with 40 years. Show my fucking pussy in the supermarket in Dubai, bitch. Wait, wait.

In the shower, so my mom, I want to talk about the desire for musicality. Sure. Even in the midst or in spite of the lack of it. Uh-huh.

Like, for example, somebody who can't sing, is tone deaf, can't carry a tune, belting at the top of their lungs in their car. I'm talking, of course, about me. Like, because they're so wrapped up in the thrill of the musical adventure.

Yeah. In the shower. Well, what's a bigger sin in singing? Like singing poorly or singing without passion? Sing without passion. At least you're singing with passion. I'm singing with the passion of Andrea Bocelli. Yeah.

That's why like drunk people doing karaoke is so fun because they're in it to win it. They're at the Super Bowl. They're in it to win it. It's Gaga catching that football and jumping off at the Superbowl. How somebody's jumping off a bar. Yeah. You throw them your left shoe and they grab it and just remember that. Do you know about this?

Yeah. No. What are you doing? Gaga at the Superbowl. She, she shimmies down the, she jumps, she jumps and then she shimmies.

Yeah. It's very strange. Very strange. But my mother is an example of this. When I was growing up, my mom, she would belt out, and I don't know where these things came from. There were little phrases like, I think I've told you before, my mother, she told me to open the door, but I didn't want to. I opened the door, I fell on the floor, a crazy old man from China. No explanation, no idea. Or she used to sing, i don't love my son

my son is a gay fag yeah and i want him to die no it's like um but she would scream it and it i think it annoyed my dad a little bit sometimes but she was just so like i inherited that from her um thankfully i don't live with four other people um and I can do it alone. But boy, do I do it. Well, that didn't stop her. Right. People are not going to get in your way when it comes to the thrill and the passion of musicality in your heart. Although, you do live in the house. The houses are close together.

They're close together. Depending on how much you're yelling, people might hear that. I think people. Okay, this is the other thing I want to talk about. Are we both moving? We might be moving. I think I'm going to move. I think I'm going to move because I feel so vulnerable.

I know. So out in the open. Having my own house, I weirdly felt safer in a condo building. I don't know why. It's not about safety. I just don't know. I know people are looking at me. No, you know who it is?

No, they're not. No, they're not. Do you know body double? Peepers? You know about peepers with binoculars? Drone cameras? Get into it. You think they're looking at you?

There's footage of me. It's online. You live in the Hollywood Hills. It's online. Chloe Sibini. It's Sidney Sweeney. Yeah, yeah. You think they're using their drone batteries to come look at you?

41-year-old Krusty. You think they want to see a fucking 7-Eleven churro deep fried doing bench presses in the basement? They don't fucking care about you, bitch. Nobody buys a drone to spare. is 7-Eleven churro deep fried doing bench presses in the basement? They don't fucking care about you, bitch. Nobody buys a drone to spare on you. They do. I know they do.

I hear it. I know they don't. I asked all of them. But you saw, but you didn't see the footage on YouTube uploaded? Fully loaded.

Fully loaded. Fully loaded. Do you ever push out a load? Oh, baby. What about pushing out the load people want to see it shut the fuck up for a minute

shut up because you're gonna turn my stomach you're gonna turn my stomach in porn they won't come in the person unless they pull out and then push it out

we still need to see the load Mary I need to go back to pilgrim times yeah it's gotta be pilgrim times again do you know what I did today before I got in the shower

and thought about musicality tell me I shut the door to the spiritual realm of pornography. I started to jerk off to porn and I shut the door. I said, no, ma'am, I'm not today.

Why? Because I was like, enough is enough. Sometimes it doesn't have to be about, I don't want to see 35 loads getting pushed out of some guy's ass. You want to see 40 years of hits? I want to hear 40 years of hits. 40 years of loads.

Don't spray it. No, I don't. You want to see 40 years of hits. I want to hear 40 years of hits. 40 years of loads. Don't spray it. No, I don't. You got to look for a specific thing. No, no, no, no, no. I did. I did. I did.

I did. But sometimes. What did you look for? I looked for this guy, the straight porn star. His name is Christian Clay. He's an Italian man bald with a huge dong. Huge dong. Huge hard dong. And it curves in just a very tantalizing way.

It's huge. It's not enormous, but it's certainly big. And he's a very good looking man. Looks about 45 years old. Let's just say that if he went to Beetlejuice with Bobert, she'd get a workout. Mom, I should have to use both hands and an elbow. She'd have to like, you know.

Yeah. Yeah. And you could hang. Actually, his dick would be perfect to hang on from one hand from a cliff. Wow. Like that's a Dick you want to grab if you're sliding down the mountain. I think that would hurt for him.

Yeah. I don't know. Try mix. Lately. I'm into very specific scenarios such as, um, uh, I'm jerking off in a car and I get caught, but of course they don't get caught, they know, they know someone's gonna, or they go somewhere where they know other people are going to look for jerk offers.

Oh, it's a cruising thing. I would never participate in a public sex, but lately I'm like, what about her? What is she doing over there? You know, I recently, the victimless crime, except for the fact that you're flashing strangers. Yeah. Except that it is public, whatever, except it's a crime. Um, I recently went on sniffies, paid for it and then canceled it. Good for you.

Thank you. You closed the door to the spiritual realm. I said not today. And also, guess what else I did? I canceled and deleted my OnlyFans account. Not my, what do you call it? Not my creator account. Yeah.

My subscription account. Because I'm not trying to do all that. And so many porn people will go bankrupt because you are no longer supporting them. I literally, it's like JP Morgan Chase just all your friends you follow are like like in the financial sector yes yes chase time warner just shut down a blackout there's another writer's strike no there's a blackout in time square because you're not a calm decided to shut its doors literally i people are hungry right now what's going on with the writer's strike it's's over now? They said they struck a deal. The WGA said there's a tentative deal with the- The Women's Golf Association.

Yeah. Thank God. The WNBA now is back at the table with the ASPCA. With their own list of demands. And those demands are longer because they're taller. So the scroll is longer. All those animals. You know, ASPCA, they got cats, dogs, chickens, everything.

So anyways, back to the Song in my heart I have a great idea That Gives That gives me hope There's other people in Los Angeles and they drive cars sometimes That's what you just heard I'm just used to pausing for helicopters

No you live in the hills now you're like what What is all this traffic No I jogged by your house the other day Mama it's a fucking freeway all this traffic no that you're joking by your house it's a fucking free for it's like it's freeway but you don't realize you and i complained about people jogging on the hollywood hills the other day i did the hollywood reservoir by myself and jogged by your house to go home and i was like i'm gonna get by a car absolutely there's no sidewalk where's your wooden where's your wooden where's your neon baton it was at that moment i knew i was gonna beat this bitch up i'm gonna beat that bitch up

that's so fierce i don't even know what she's talking about what about demi lovato so something very a couple of really important things happened to me personally recently number one i deleted that thing i also would i do this there was something else that i did i can't quite remember but too much porn too much jacking off, too much chopping it up. And then I have an idea for a thing that I want to do that makes me not want to kill myself. What is it? I don't want to say.

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And we're back. And we're back. Oh my God. So happy to see you. I'm happy to see you. You know, I, uh. Wait, you did the, I've had a podcast. I did too.

And it just came out. So fun, right? Those ladies are, they really are us. They chop it up. Yeah. They are chopping it up. They're us. They're so funny.

They're so delightful. It's, it happened so quickly. Like I discovered them discovered them i consumed all like a bunch of their media and then i became a guest on their show so quickly that it was very surreal yeah you know what i mean um i was like wait a minute i just i just mentioned your name last night and now i'm on the show it's that's what happened to me i think i like liked one of their tiktoks and was like guess what you're on the show they're they're so fucking funny and i have had but i feel so bad because one of their TikToks and was like, guess what? You're on the show, bitch. They're so fucking funny. And I have had, but I feel so bad because one of the main, one of my things I've had it with that I mentioned, and I forget if it was pumps or the other woman, they went on a tangent about hating flowers. And all I could think of is J.K.L.

And how much, I mean, I mentioned that I have a friend who's a florist, but she went on a diatribe about how fucking flowers. I love flowers. I know you do. And I mentioned that I have a friend who's a florist But she went on a diatribe About how fucking flowers I love flowers I know you do and I mentioned that And I said I got you flowers and she said flowers What was your I've had it I've had it with body hair In general having it, it existing Honey that's the other thing that I forgot I've been lasering at home

Okay Okay I've been lasering at home. Okay. Okay. I have a laser you should use. It's called 5150. My name is Torlina, and I've come in to check into the- What are you using? No, what are you- The Legend Hotel on Coenga.

No, you're in bed with a blanket pulled up to your neck with a laser pointer pointing it at your feet. Those are hobbit feet. Very close. What's the vibe? The vibe is the foot. I start from the bottom. We're going in on the ground floor. It's an IPL, intense photo light laser.

Yes. I'm not going to shout out the brand because I don't know if they fucking work. I don't know if it's a piece of shit. It might be. I know which brand you're talking about. And it said it could be sent it to me and i looked into it i did a lot of research it to you i surely bought it with my own american dollars and i looked into it and it didn't have enough proven results of course not the the best results i could find was a youtube review being like after 10 months my arm hair is now light blonde and

finer it doesn't make the hair disappear but it does make it like bleaching your asshole hair rather than shaving it up it will make your arm hair let's say go from thick arm hair to light fair peach fuzz i can deal with that which is better than because prickly isn't fun either how about how about um a waxy uh thick black yeah not good. You think you have black arm hair? I don't, but I'm not talking about my arm hair. So I'm talking about my feet.

So what happened was I shaved the foot. I did an exfoliating thing. I did a whole little self-care foot thing, like Jesus washing the feet. And then I shaved them. And then I did the laser. It was like maybe 20 minutes out of my life that I enjoyed that it might not bear fruit in terms of hair removal. You go like one inch at a time and it flashes, right?

Yeah. Boop. Doop. It's kind of like meditative. Yeah. Yeah. On the highest setting. It kind of feels like a very light rubber band snapping.

Oh, very light because I've had that IPL facial. You know what that feels like? It's bad, huh? It feels like somebody is taking an ice pick with a mallet and chipping into your fucking face. Really?

And of course they go, you might feel some discomfort. She said, well, Lori, love her. I did it with her once. Never again. She's fabulous. But she's like, there is some discomfort. It feels like a rubber band. Mary, I don't know what it is about me, but around the nose.

Under the eye. It does feel like a rubber band. The nostril's tough. It feels like a rubber band, but it feels like, like a, like a, like they're really slapping you.

The other place it's the hardest is the top of the hairline because there's no fat. It's just skin and skull. Also, they have to do it twice. Oh shit. So once she went over the whole thing

and I was like, oh we're good, we're done. She's like, now we gotta do it again. I was like, Lori, I don't think I can do that.

I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can do it. I'd rather do the vampire facial or anything else. A vampire's fine. I'd rather her fuck me in the ass with a fucking dry dildo. A vampire's fine. I get like three a year. I'm kind of overdue. I stopped getting Botox though. I don't care for it.

Really? I don't think it makes me look younger. It just makes my face move less. It's not going to make you look younger. It's going to, you're going to have, you won't have lines. I don't understand why less expressions means young. It doesn't.

It doesn't. It doesn't. I don't feel younger. I go, wow, my forehead doesn't move. Look, it's like a party trick.

Nicole Kidman looks like she's either 70 or 170 or 50 or whatever. Jennifer Jason Leigh. That's pump. I'm talking the frozen. But no, no. I get it because when I wear the lace front wig, the love of my life wig.

It does help with sweat. No, creasing. Because I have an animated, I have a broad expressive register. I don't know if you noticed. Yeah. And I get the makeup creases instantly. And you can't redo those

with Dermagland. Yeah. You can't. Today I watched a TikTok about giving yourself a facelift using filler. And I was like, I'm not buying it. They were like, you pump a bunch of filler here. You pump it in yourself?

No, no. You go to the doctor. They pump it here and it lifts here. I'm not buying it. So I talked to Lori about that. You're still adding mass on parts of your face. I talked to Lori about that. I don't need to have big faces and heads.

Being a bald bitch. Like there's the, like, you know how like there's this um it's the opposite of like buckle fat removal it's like if you want to puffy your face out a lot of people will do filler here but since i'm baldy there's no hairline to kind of like guide or like be the border for it to disguise it essentially so like there's she said it's too risky. It might look weird. So I didn't do it, but I got it in my balls. I'm really over. I'm my ball. I'm feeling very hippie dippy. I'm feeling very, the best way to look your best is flatly water, diet, and exercise.

It just is sleep water, vitamin C. It just is. Yeah. Well, that's, that's the base though. That's the base. If you don't have that foundation, what are you doing? I don i don't know i mean i have had a new relationship with food i don't have i'm not hungry like i used to be and so now when i eat i eat like closer to probably how you eat where you're eating for strategy you're playing the long game i'm like give me

my rice brick my piece of broccolini and I eat till I'm my ginger shot. Yeah. I, you know, I've never in my life though. And this is something a lot of people can't relate to. I've never eaten once I'm once my hunger is gone. I stop like there's never, I never overeat. It's almost too rich. A little too sweet. But you know, like I understand that feeling like with drugs or alcohol, whatever, but

I don't want to eat. Like we got to do it. Let's get this done and let's get back to business which could be laying down you know anything anything other than eating yeah i don't enjoy eating very much i i feel that now yeah i'm not i don't i don't really get hungry now you don't get hungry well it's all the fen fen you're taking yeah booty bumping i haven't gotten hungry and so now when it's when it's food time i'm playing i'm playing to win. I'm like,

let's get a salad, a glass of water and a protein. And like, if we're actually going to do this, let's do it. This could be my food for the day. So like, let's do it right.

When I make breakfast every morning, um, I usually have like two eggs, three strips of vegetarian bacon and one thin slice of toast. That's plenty. That's nice. Vegetarian bacon is turnt. Yeah.

That could be the case. I'm not familiar with it, but my breakfast, I will say I do wake up starving every day. I'd be waking up starving, but you eat fucking oatmeal. Yes, I do.

And you can, you can wipe that shitty face off your head right now because I'm going to describe mama. I do. That's me. Hello. Hi. I say,

I go And I waltz With a boner Into the kitchen I make my little coffee Not little Huge pot of coffee Trough

My trough of coffee A truck backs up And dumps Six tons of beans Into a sauna And you get in Hole first And you give yourself

A coffee You know what coffee Animals Somebody ask Oh god I'm gonna have a heart attack Somebody ask me If this should get one You get in hole first and you give yourself a coffee enema. You know what a coffee enema is? Somebody asked. Oh God, I'm going to have a heart attack. I watched it. Somebody asked me if they should get one. Somebody asked me if they should get one and I'm not joking.

And I wanted to reach through their phone and grab their neck and shake them. There was an intervention. We're not doing coffee enema. I remember hearing a RuPaul interview about enemas. Do you remember that? Yes. She was like, you have. It was so like.

Halfway joking. No, it was so earnest. It was like, you have to. And I was like, no, you don't. You fucking like, she was halfway joking. No, it was so earnest. It was like, you have to, and I was like, no, you don't. You fucking don't.

Here's a fun fact that is, that can be corroborated or whatever by a very, like any medical professional worth something. We don't need to put anything up her ass. It's Adam and Eve, not Adam with Folgers up the butt. Okay. Listen,

you don't need that. No. Impact, if you have an impacted bowel, you need to talk to an MD. Right. You need to talk to a medical professional in a hospital. Well, I have one of those shower shots and I hook it up to just decaf. So I don't feel anything. Instant coffee.

But the whites of my eyes turn dark brown. And I get irritable. The best part of waking up Is Folgers in your butt Now what do you think about espresso people? Back to musicality What do you think about espresso people? I think those people are Italian Because some people eat espresso

Just poured over ice Okay that's disgusting to me That's wild to me I think it's called an Americano Americano It's espresso with water Get the fuck out of my house Some people drink espresso with fizzy water

I've learned this as well But listen hey Cracky Crack Tina Look in the mirror Get the fuck out of my house. Some people drink espresso with fizzy water. I've learned this as well. But listen, hey. Cracky. Crack Tina. Look in the mirror. Clean the Coke off the mirror and then look in it, Janine. You wash that down with your.

You think it's cracky? Yes. Okay. Yes. I like, listen, I'm a drip coffee girl. I don't grind my own beans. I have, I have a very low threshold for what it was, what is good for me, but like a strong cup of drip coffee with tons of cream and a lot of sugar. Yeah.

It's really just an excuse to have milk and sugar. Can I tell you about a drug? Yeah. Okay. I'm not like selling it to you. This isn't, this isn't, I have herbal life. No. What about herbal life? Wait, herbal life wait wait wait wait wait

back to coffee enemas okay we gotta we have to really shut this door please at home we're not one of those podcasts because so many podcasts out there are just two stupid fucking idiots talking about nothing they know about and trying to give advice there's just say less culture i'm just kidding no seriously do you know this? The fact that there are a million podcasts out there, people giving advice. Like, don't wash your baby. Use its shit. Eat it with, feed it with its own shit. Like that, like we started doing this.

Don't wash your baby. No, these white people. Don't have a baby. That's my advice. If you have a baby, don't see a doctor. Just go to a woman in the woods. I see this woman named Nancy and she feeds it its own shit. She's never been happier.

And they're like, everyone should do this. people it's like lymphoma just drink your urine exactly but coffee stings bee stings absolutely now there are we can't deny of course that there there are a ton of maladies and illnesses and afflictions that we don't have the answers for yet and there are natural remedies for example perhaps headache sometimes Menthol or like a menthol cigarette. No. Newports. Sometimes like a peppermint oil on the temple can be soothing. Lavender on the pillow.

Yeah. There's real remedies. Valerian root. Just sleep. And then there's like the LA version where it's like just shove the jade course up your urethra. Yeah. You put the moonstone up your ass, the jade in your pussy hole, and then you sound your fucking husband's dick with a pipe cleaner.

And then you're ready for your home birth. Copy animal. I was on home birth TikTok for a while. I told you about that. Oh. Learned a lot. Learned a lot. I learned a lot.

Are you a Badula Ablangada now? I'm a doula. Yeah. She ill. Doula doula bills. Sorry. My name is Erykah Badu, a.k.a. She ill. Dula Dula bills. My name is Erica Badu, AKA she ill. I don't know how I ended up on it,

but I did learn a lot about it. Okay. Wait, wait. So you, you mean you watched a lot of home births on TikTok? I think I got one and watched it. And then TikTok was like,

so we noticed you watched one. What about 17 more? That's how TikTok works. I know. I still know you did. Here's more. And this It's like, hey, Miss Nasty, we know you did. Here's more. And this woman was like, of course, it's a woman and a man. Hey, Miss Nasty.

You know. Hey, Miss Nasty, I know what you did. Hey, Miss Nasty, I know what you did and what you like. Would you like to see more? And by the way, I'm going, yes. Yes, yes, yes. I wish you could swipe right on TikToks. I guess that's liking it.

Okay. With swiping right means you like it. Swiping left means get out of here. Yeah. And what I wasn't ready for is the home birth was happening in front of the other children. And the other children were like, mom, look what I did. I caught a butterfly, whatever. And the mom is like-

And mom is pushing out another sibling. The mom is doubled over screaming. And it's all very open door policy. It's all very, you're watching your mom give birth, which is probably healthy. I don't know. Seeing birth young is probably good about destigmatizing birth. You know what I mean? Well, I'm going to say it's not unhealthy.

No, no, no. Not at all. Right? Because I mean, it's like you came out of your mom's pussy. What's up with that? And I'm not sure we all need to consider birth as hospital only. Like, I don't know. I just never considered that people really do do it at home and they do it in front of their kids and husband it's just a vibe the doula mama the doula oblongata they get

the kiddie pool they get the whole thing going but of course you know there are the doulas and don't las of being birth at home number one get ready to drop get number one get ready to have a huge get ready to shit in a kiddie pool in your living room. Yeah. Standing up. And then I saw a husband. He had a bunch of diapers. And he, because people pee and poop.

And I'm a, when you're pushing out, pushing out, what do you think? Shit. Yeah. Flying out of that asshole. Because it's a home birth. It's a family affair. It's all hands on deck. Does he have one of those skimmers like in the pool to get the turds out no he's sort of like wiping and he's

sort of like you're doing good you're doing i mean husbands are so useless during that get out of it go go go go to the legend hotel and chop it up or something i just didn't know how common it was i didn't i didn't really know how common it was and maybe tiktok makes it seem more common now i think it i mean it is i mean doulas are a thing, it's a very widely contested among the medical community. Of course. I bet some people are like, it's the only way to go. And some people are like, never. You know, I don't know.

I'll never personally physically have a baby. So I don't really have a say. Well, I think you probably might change your tune once I get your present. As a man who will not have a baby, I think I have every right to weigh in about when and how women give. And legislate. Absolutely. I will push the taxpayer dollar to make sure every woman is given a small kiddie pool for her living room. I couldn't tell you how many or locate the holes in a woman's body, but I sure will legislate what she can do with them.

The way I see it, there's three holes. That's why we have triplets. Let's take a break and we're back we were we were back with dr doula abogbada um oh i did have something to tell you wait back to musicality you didn't let me finish um so i wanted to oh like the other day Like my rattle was He's a Yankee Doodle dandy And I like it's you know These things from childhood But my version for some reason

It was like And I don't even think about it It's like reflexive It's like Yankee Doodle Came to town riding on a pony Stuck a feather up my ass And called me macaroni That's not what it is

I know but I couldn't figure out What it was And I didn't have the time To Google it Stuck a feather in his hat Up my ass In his hat In his hat And Called it macaroni He called it macaroni that's not what it is i know but i couldn't figure out what it was and i didn't have the time to google it in his hat up my ass in his hat in his hat and called it macaroni he called it macaroni i guess i mean i wasn't there yankee doodle came to town that sounds very massachusetts yankee doodle was probably massachusetts right doodle came to town sliding on bologna stuck a pillow up my ass and called me pepperoni that's not that's not it but i think it would be

fun what i know is that um rhyming is healthy it's free it's one of the only things the government doesn't doesn't tax you for is nursery rhymes okay so can i can i ask you this poetry like i understand that there's many forms of it and one of my favorite part about song writing or song song listening music is when lyrics rhyme yeah because poems there's a the with the rhythm in this in the sound of a rhyming poetry is uh exquisite sure and it can have like layers and layers of depth of meaning because of the rhyming right because it's hard to rhyme. So it's a skill. When we kind of let that go and didn't forbid it, like it didn't make it required,

I feel like we haven't returned to it in earnest. Rhyming? Rhyming. Well, do you know what scansion? I don't know. So in music, scansion is, so let's say the word is somebody the rhythm of that is babada somebody it's not somebody right right right babada right so bad scantion good scantion

is where the song is written in a way that it sounds like the way you'd really say it right now this happens yeah this happens with with with languages where stress is indicated clearly on one syllable. It's about stress, right? So some songs have bad scansion, but it's part of the hook. So like Katy Perry, Firework, she says, stuck on a roller coaster. You wouldn't say stuck on a roller coaster. You'd say stuck on a roller coaster. Stuck on a roller coaster. Stuck on, but then one of the most famous versions of it is somebody once told me.

Right. Somebody. Somebody. So bad scansion. But sometimes bad scansion is on purpose and it makes like a hook because it's so weird to hear. You're not gonna be like somebody once. It doesn't work.

Right. Right. Interesting. No, it is interesting. And it happens in Russian too because in Russian, sometimes there's one major stress on every word and it's like non-negotiable. Like it's like, sometimes the words will be so long. They'll have like 10 syllables, but still one stress.

And it's usually where you don't want it to be. Like, you know, they say Vladimir Nabokov, Nabokov, Nabokov. It's not Nabokov. Vladimir Nabokov. Nabokov. Like, you say like Vladimir. Labada. Labada. Oh, Vladimir. Labada. Labada.

Oh, it's Labada. So if you don't have the right stress, it's really the wrong fucking word. It's the wrong word. Everything becomes schwad. Like, every, it's like Loboda, if you were trying to spell it to somebody. But if you're saying it, it's Labada. Labada. Labada.

Svetlana Labada. And, like, it's, like, famous with all words, like, Vladimir. Vladimir. It's not Vladimir. all words, like Vladimir, Vladimir. It's not Vladimir. It's Vladimir. Vladimir. Vladimir Nabokov. Vladimir Nabokov. Vladimir Nabokov.

Oh, it really sounds horrible. It's horrible. It's fucking rotten. Like Alia Mustafina. Alia Mustafina. Oh, I love that. It's so different. Yelena Zamluchkova.

This makes me think of RuPaul. He would be like, I love that. Say it again. What's the word? And who would play her? Say it again. But like Svetlana Horkina. Svetlana Horkina.

It sounds Horkina. My favorite is Slutvana. What is it? My favorite is Slutvana Horkina. She's fierce. And the Russian people are like, what the fuck are you talking about? But don't get me started on that shit. But that's like Brejpij. I mean, people are like, what the fuck are you talking about? But don't get me started on that shit. But that's like, I mean, people are taking liberties.

But the thing about Russian is that the word order can be changed. So the variable word order, which means rhyming, is a lot easier. Although Russian is a terrible, famously a terrible language for songs, musicality. This is in a lyric I was singing on the way here. Ti kruglasutecna. Kruglasutecna. Kruglasutecna. Ti kruglasutecna.

What does it mean? I don't know. Okay. But it's like, really? Really? Yeah. Ti kruglasutecna. Kruglasutecna.

Kruglasutecna. That sounds musical. I hope it means, I locked myself out of my apartment. It's so... I have to... When we come back from the next break, I'm going to play you 10 seconds of a Russian song

and it's going to sound like a bag of steel tools being thrown down a wooden staircase. Okay. You play one of my songs. I can't wait to hear it. The Malibu. I can't wait to hear it i can't wait to hear it can i tell you what happened to me yesterday something horrible happened to me it's not horrible it's very gay in la and horrible but i one of my friends is in town my friend brandon and oh i love i've been working all week on a show yeah and we had to run to william sonoma you had it

was life or death okay we had to because it's alwaysoma. You had to. It was life or death. We had to. Because it's always a life or death situation at an luxury furniture store. When you're gay and you have to go to William Sonoma. When you need a casserole dish by noon. Yeah, I would say it's a crisis. We have to get the crusade. So we go to William Sonoma. And my friends in town from New York go, I can't see you.

I'm working all day. I got to fucking run and do errands. Why didn't you bring him? Well, hey, do you want to come with me to work? No. It was like. To William Sonoma. He was doing his was doing his thing and i was like whatever i can't see you so i go to william sonoma i run into him at william sonoma and it's like i feel so bad because i'm like i wanted to hang out and it doesn't look like i'm busy but this is a work-related thing

this is the stressful thing i was talking about related thing what do you say caught at william sonoma and he and he. Did he block you? Well, I was like high because I was buying a plate set, a service for eight with a charger, soup bowl, and dish. And I've never had nice dishes in my life. So I was like, I was high on my own supply. I was like- Where's the tourniquet? The gay person, the old gay in me was like, a gravy bowl? This is it.

That looks like a rabbit? And you fucking got me in here with my debit card? Wait, do you love that? You really love that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wait, tell me about, do you know about chafing dishes?

That guy was like, you know, it comes in a set. The cereal bowl is actually the same design, but blue. And I'm like, are you fucking kidding? And why are you still standing here? Go get it. Bring it back here. I was just, he came back with it. I went, oh my God. And then I was like, do you have, do you have eight? He was like, we have seven. And I was like, why don't you just take your dick out and fuck me here in the store? If you don't have eight,

I was like something about buying nice, but unnecessary. I've never had nice dishes. I still don't have them. It's very unnecessary. And that kind of purchase just made me like, it made me, I was losing Isaiah. She ill. I was really twirling. I was really levitating. Yo, she levitating. Levitating, literally. Nice dishes are nice.

They are. Well, they are, but you also have to have the right. I've never, I've never had a property or a place or a space that would accommodate such a thing or such a gathering. Do you know what I'm saying? Living in a hovel. You ain't got a nice crusade crockery. No. Now we have plates and company plates.

Oh, like these are our plates and these are the, the, the, the, I could feel my white trash DNA disintegrating. The, the, the guest China my white trash DNA disintegrating. The guest China.

The guest China. Yeah. But people who have nice plates, your mom, your grandma, whoever, my question is, the nice plates probably can't go in the dishwasher. China cabinet. And you have to have a China cabinet. I guess, but you have to hand wash all of them? Of course you do. But then you're trying not to break them?

They're decorative. If you have a nice set like that and one breaks, then forever you don't have enough for eight people? Yes, that's why I'm... That's introducing have enough for eight people yes that's why that's introducing drama that's introducing stress well that's also living the high life that's his own set of problems you're also paying for you know 10 10 grand to maintain your giant house people people go to therapy because one of their chargers breaks and the brand doesn't make it anymore hello i prefer to eat pizza with a paper towel over the sink hell yeah hell yeah when it's just me i mean do you know how many meals i eat on paper towel like it's a plate yeah. Hell yeah. When it's just me, do you know how many meals I eat on paper towel?

Like it's a plate. Yeah. I'm not putting a plate. I'm going to plate something with myself. Who's looking? Well, the drones. Well, I love having a dishwasher. Okay.

I'm going to ask you this because for so many years, I didn't have a dishwasher. Uh-huh. I'm going to say that, although I do appreciate it, it's not that different than washing them. I know it. You still got to load it and unload that different than washing them. I know.

You still got to load it and unload it. Mama. Baby. Sweetie. You rinse it off. You put it in there. At the end of the night when you go to bed, you put a pot in and start it. In the morning, you have dry, spotless dishes.

First thing I do in the morning usually is unload the dishwasher. Wait a minute. You do it at night. You put them in the dishwasher? I thought you put them in the bed and then you put... I never had a dishwasher till... No, don't make any sense. This condo was the first time I had a dishwasher. Yeah.

Oh, I hate doing the dishes. I hate the dishes. I know, but hand washing? No, no, no. It's crazy. It sucks. It's crazy. Also, you got to do it right away.

When I make my lovely oatmeal... You got to do it right away. When I do my lovely oatmeal, when I make a big nasty pot of oatmeal on Sunday night, enough for five days if that that oatmeal goes from slippery slippery come right off to fucking cement in about four minutes four minutes really flat and you go oh let me just chip that off with my fingernail you have a dried oat under the skin you now have tetanus blood everywhere yeah we got blood syphilis snow on the beach blood in the kitchen hepatitis c and And so I'll do all that, but I retract my statement.

Dishwasher is nice and lovely. Although mine takes forever. The Quakers, are they behind Quaker Oats? Yes. They were the ones who discovered oats and then they made them popular. And that's how they were able to- They sowed their wild oats, really. Well, they did.

And their royal oats, because there was a kingdom of Quakers. And then they were able to parlay all that money into the Shakers, which is a watered down version of their religion. And the Shakers opened Shakey's. Shake Shack. Yes. The Shakers opened Shake Shack. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then Taco Bell came along and said, hello. Taco Bell's great. Is it here? What's your Taco... Okay, off the record. Everybody who's listening at home. No, on the record.

On the record. But off the record. Off the record with Cotton Weary. Okay. 100% Cotton with Cotton Weary. Off the record with off the record. Off the record with Cotton Weary. Okay. 100% Cotton with Cotton Weary. Off the record with Gale Weathers. Egyptian Cotton with Cotton Weary. What is your go-to Taco Bell order?

It's the only order. Okay. There's one. And if it's wrong, I won't eat it. We're talking for dinner, not a snack. Like you're at home and you're looking to goon. It's a meal. What do you get?

This is the only thing I get and it's this or nothing. All right. It's gold or nothing. I'm at the Olympics. Soft tacos. Four of them with nothing but seasoned rice, white meat chicken, and jalapeno peppers with mild sauce. And no cheese.

The thing is, I've been with you when they have cheese. Mom, I have cheese in there. We've got muchas problemas. Muchas problemas para mi. when you kill yourself it's gonna be like taco bell did it no it's gonna be it's gonna be like what happened she seemed like she was doing so well they're gonna go to therapy she showed signs she was at the olympics she won

gold two gold medals at 50 what happened what happened they go to your grub home they go we know what happened because i've seen you your grub home they go oh we know what happened because I've seen you when the lawn chorter is wrong you turn well I

because Dr. Jekyll it's well how about this though it's interview with a vampire

it's the full moon comes out the werewolves are like yeah yeah well because here's the thing

I have I have like say there's there's a board two boards I have a hammer I just need a nail to nail it.

And somebody hands me a Cabbage Patch Kid. That's not going to help me. I think that's a really sound metaphor. But you know what I mean? It's like, okay, I've got the hammer. There's the board. Hand me the nail. And they give me a fucking popsicle.

Well, I don't think you're using your Cabbage Patch Kid. Who's your Cabbage Patch Kid guy? He's the guy in a Torrance. Who's your dealer? His name is the Phil. What if a shifty guy and like a beard emaciated baby basically what if he came in here and you were like trixie no are you and i go yeah and he pulls out a cabbage patch doll and i start open mouth kissing it

you're you're addicted to frenching um uh kids. Back to coffee enemas. Back to coffee enemas. No, don't know coffee up the butt. I watched an episode of, it was like, it was either Obsessed or Intervention. I think it was Obsessed. There was a couple, a man and a woman, and they were addicted to coffee enemas. And they did it almost every day. And they helped each other.

One would lay on the side and the other would be like, is it in? Okay. And they would pour. Girl. Piping hot Folgers straight up the booty hole. Straight up the booty hole. Pete's Coffee. Pete's Coffee.

Oh, Dickinson's. Major Dickinson's blend. Iced Americano. Major Dickinson's. Colombiano, African sourced. But does it give you like an intense caffeine rush? Is that what it is? Yes.

Look, okay. Your rectal tissue is extremely absorbent because the rectum the small the large intestine the rectum mostly involved in water absorption right the large intestines where you get all your water like diarrhea bad news right um anyways that's why people get dehydrated yes yes yes right we're not doing coffee there's just it's just so crazy it's like frenching a cabbage patch doll to help your mental health. Put it in the mouth hole. Put the coffee in the mouth hole.

Drink your coffee, you fucking idiot. Yeah. And then just get, change your diet, you fucking, you fucking idiot. Sorry. Caffeine's hard, caffeine's hard on the system though. But you act like there's a lot of people doing it. I don't think there are. I don't know.

But see, because. How do you start? Who's starting it? Well, also, well, this made me think doing it. I don't think there are. I don't know. But see, because how do you start? Who's starting it? Well, also, well, this made me think of it because I wanted to use that laser thing on my asshole,

but the geometry, I couldn't quite figure it out. How do I do it? I don't know. And it also requires a consistency. I mean, you have to use it. Mama,

I know months and months before you're going to see a difference, but if there's a chance that my booty hole hair will be gone in, in 10 months, I'm willing to, that's the chance. That's a chance that my booty hole hair will be gone in 10 months, I'm willing to, that's the chance, that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Go get it waxed. You can get, in LA, you can get people come to wax your butthole at your house. But that's painful and degrading. And I don't like that.

You do drag for a living. I think you can handle pain and degradation. In my butthole area. Yeah. But then they'll see all the scars. Can we hear the song? Can we just hear the song? Okay. But just give me a moment and I'm going to pull it up. Yeah. But then they'll see all the scars. Can we hear this? Can we just hear this? Okay.

Okay. But just give me a moment and I'm going to pull it up. Okay. In the meantime, I would like y'all to come see us and Baldwin, the beautiful live. We are traveling all over the country and it's just like this. We're in drag screaming.

And most of the time we don't even record the episode. So it's like your own personal private episode where we say much worse, much worse cursing. We should talk our peers. It's horrible. We talk about celebrities. The first three rows are usually teenage girls filming

and then you. Yeah, I hate that. Fucking nails on a chalkboard. But guess what? I love it. Is she happy? I know I don't think so She doesn't sound happy She sounds like

A lifelong smoker Which of course she is The funny thing is Her last name Allegrava Means happy She seems irritated It's like at Gelson's

And they're like Do you have a card? Do you have a Gelson's card? And I'm like No I'm like You know you have one Behind the counter

Scan that Yeah yeah She's saying Can I use the bathroom you have on behind the counter. Scan that. Yeah, yeah. Day, book, new, pos, led, me, ras, yakubayo, si, chal, si, eto,

vasha, klas. She's saying, can I use the bathroom first to push the load out before we get in the shower? Do you guys have any Folgers? Because my asshole

needs to be animated out. We wrapping it up. We chopping it up. Well, listen, on that note, I just want to say, I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy.

She's a Yankee Doodle guy. Bye. a Yankee Doodle Dandy. She's a Yankee Doodle Guy. Bye!