The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Gorgeous Devours Cute with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: January 25, 2022

The low hum of The Macarena wafts into your one-bedroom apartment, the source of the 90s earworm a vague mystery. Dusk is slowly dawning on the other side of the thin, sun-rotted curtains. Murder She Wrote is just concluding on The Hallmark Channel as you turn off a dusty lamp and grab a chilled Ensure from your mostly-empty refrigerator. After your wig is safely ensconced on a styrofoam bust on the vanity, you struggle to open your blood-pressure pills with arthritic fingers made all the more slippery with freshly-applied Bengay. As you down the pills with the vanilla-infused protein shake, your tight hip-flexor muscles cause you to groan as you turn off the bedside lamp and pull up the tattered electric blanket you inherited from your Great Aunt Bertha. You stare at the crack on the ceiling above your bed, tracing its growing path towards the yellowed chandelier. You begin to slowly drift off into a fitful slumber. The last thought within your grey matter is a quiet rumination that has become your new mantra: "So this is a drag queen at 40"... Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch our podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be helpful! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue.yorku.ca. I'm at a crossroads because I want to ask you what you've been doing, but I know because I only spent time with you. I know. However, I'm going to tell you. So something very interesting has been going on, which is I am getting older. So I have been this.

So let's take it back to 2018. Singapore. Okay. Singapore, Singapore. Do you know that Singapore is just an island? I've never been. Oh, okay. Well, it's extremely hot.

It's a tropical island around the equator. Do you live? No. In fact, I don't. I nearly die. 90 degrees, 100% humidity. Like couldn't i couldn't leave the hotel to smoke that's how serious you know it was i decided twice because i forget i left the hotel to go to a shady corner to have a cigarette abandon the cigarette halfway through to go

back into the hotel because i couldn't be outside just standing it's so humid it wouldn't stay lit it's i mean yeah i light it and it's just wet. Yeah. And people are just sweating. People are, it is just so hot no matter what time of year it is rotten. Anyways, I do a show there without warming up. I jump at the end, I jump into a split and then I do the boop, boop, a dupe, a dupe in a circle and then swiffer the taint back and forth on the first jump i tear i i feel a very very sharp pain like a tear in my hip flexor which would have been an indication to stop the split is this that move where you hit the ground and then you sort of bounce on it bouncing bouncing bouncing but i bounce in a circle and then i go boop boop boop boop

so i injured myself in the first split. And then I continued. Injury, injury, injury, injury, injury. Scraping, scraping. Wheelchair at the airport the next day. Couldn't walk. Couldn't walk at all. When was this? 2018.

At the last date of the tour. Don't you think the humidity would have helped your hip flexor? It was the end of the show. I was already probably drenched in sweat. Nothing. But I just didn't warm up. I didn't warm up at all so anyways so that was a nagging injury and that's that has continued and now i i did a bunch of stuff yesterday for something that's coming up we're going to say it for the tour videos uh-huh um fight choreo that was so fun to do but that is so painful i think that i'm gonna have to get my hip

replaced are you serious kinda where's the pain stand up and show the pain so the pain is here and here so it sounds like a hip yeah it sounds like the entire hip joint is completely fucked and guess this my dad had his first hip replacement first first of two, when he was 45. And you're- 43. So he did it younger than you. Wow. I'm trailing him. I should have both done by now.

Yeah. Let this be like an earnest, like Hemingway, but like earnest warning. Earnest goes to jail. Because I know so many drag queens who do the splits and never stretch. Okay. Listen. Tandy, Jane, Iman, Dupree, De do the splits and never stretch. Okay, listen. Tandy, Jane, Iman, Dupree, Devereaux, this is what you got to do. You got to do both sides.

That's the thing. Both sides. And you got to warm up and cool down. You got to warm up and cool down. Because when you're doing the split, I mean, I've seen it done. I can't do it. I'm assuming the situation, the danger is not this leg. No, it's usually not the hamstring. The hamstring is probably a little bit um because we're used to kicking and stuff it's always the hip flexor of

the back leg the psoas the hip flexor the the quad okay this is very graceful it's this but like to the ground yeah yeah yeah so thank you for demonstrating what a split is but i think this yes that's more of the danger. That's where I got injured. Because I'm feeling it there now. Because you spend your whole day stepping forward. You don't step back like that very much. No, we keep...

That was beautiful. Maybe you should incorporate that into your act. Well, I don't think you give yourself enough credit. Cartwheel split, bouncing on the split. It hurts. That's hard for anyone yeah especially at my advanced age with my conditions and my proclivities it's it's yeah 40 40 is not it 40 is not it is it crack 40 is it cracked up to be anything though like no you're saying it like

it's a reveal it's just cracked cracked. Zero, dark, 40. But if 30 is the new 20, 40 is not the new 30 though. You're saying 40, it goes the other way. It bends. Time bends at that point. And you know, it's really horrible because I have to stretch before I go to bed. I have to stretch all the time.

I'm always twisting. I'm always like doing stuff on the ground because there's just constant pain and aggravation and just wretched horror at every turn. If you get your hip replaced, you won't be able to split still. Well,

I'll be split days over. Hopefully. No, I'm hoping like, I'm like in just like that. I'll be Carrie Bradshaw. Like they find out I have a congenital defect of my hip. I go for surgery,

but then 10 minutes later it's healed and it's, we jump forward until I'm back in Louboutins. Have you gotten a real, um, scan minutes later it's healed and it's, we jump forward until I'm back in Louboutins. Have you gotten a real, um, scan of it or anything? Um, we've Xeroxed it, but I don't think I can't see anything. No, I'm going to go. I've taken iPhone photos of the leg. And the leg looks jacked.

Yeah. No, no. I am. Beef jerky. That's what it feels like. Um, well, you know, it feels like there's not a lot of, um, it feels like there's no more gristle left to the bone and it's just grinding in the gear You got a girl you got the hypervolt stick that double prone here and fuck it up So I have been doing that and I'm not convinced that that the friction is helping the situation then the massage like because imagine that you have um, it's like

The massage, like, because imagine that you have, it's like, it's the joint, the bones of the joint are lubricated by fluid, synovial fluid. Right. And there's, so you drain out all the fluid. What good is jackhammering the bones into the bones going to help? You know what I mean? I don't know. I'm not a doctor, but. That's spooky.

But you know what, though? I mean, I'm not going to be terminal here, but you had a good run i've been ready mama if you can't do splits anymore for three years i'm not saying you have to quit drag slow down no i was saying die my bag's for parents i've been do you have health insurance funny you should ask that i just got it and I went to one medical. The doctor's here. You have one medical? Do you live? Mama.

Girl! Yes! You know, only in America do you get excited about the opportunity to pay thousands of dollars to have access to decent health care. I know. Let's call it what it is. Extortion? No. Let's call it robbery. Because it's not even the most expensive of that type.

No, no, no. Of course not. You pay a premium and it allows you to go to the doctor. But to go to that doctor, you have to pay the premium per month, which is a little crazy. I think it's like, yeah. But for people like us who travel, let's say you're in pain and you're like, I fly in tomorrow. You go on your phone, you get to choose what location you want to go to and who you want to see. It's magical. I have go on your phone. You get to choose what location you want to go to and who you want to see. Yep. It's magical.

I couldn't believe it. I, and I, so I had a, I last year I didn't for greater part of the year. I didn't have health insurance. I had no idea. So I realized I was like,

Oh shit, I got to go ahead and get a physical. I got the health insurance. Um, HMO. I got a blue sheet or a peep. I don't know. HMO,

PPO, PNP, whatever. I got blue shield. I got a high, high, high. I got a high, high. Yeah. I don't know. HMO, PPO, PNP, whatever. I got blue shield. I got height. Yeah. I don't know what it was,

but I, I, I, then I finally got to do one medical. I did the thing on the app. I went to there and let me tell you about this doctor, Dr. Donlan. He was terrific.

Did he work you out? He worked me out. He was 32 years old. Nothing. Your age. Yeah. I said, do you like being a doctor he said yeah

i think i mean it's you know what's funny about doctors and medical professionals in general when someone says i'm a nurse i'm a doctor i'm a it's like they couldn't tell me a more impressive piece of information i'm always amazed and they're always so nonchalant about it because to them they're like yeah i i processed it as I studied it for a decade. So to them, it's like old news. But I'm like, you're a real doctor? How did you do that? What did he do?

It's so cool. I mean, he's so good. I loved, actually, it was the longest time since I've had like an intake, like a thorough intake. You know how, have you had therapy? Like mental therapy? Yeah. No., have you heard of therapy? Like mental therapy? Yeah. No. Okay.

Is that the terminology? A therapist? Like a psychotherapist? Never? No. So like you go and you just get acquainted with them. It kind of had that vibe

and it was like I found myself to be like feeling very vulnerable. Oh, I got so honest with him. It was fabulous. I have super high blood pressure. I'm on high blood pressure medication now. 69 cents a bottle.

That's a good deal. No shit. And I said 69. What are the symptoms of high blood pressure? There are often none. So it's the silent killer. Hypertension is the silent killer. There's often no symptoms of it.

It's just, it's usually diagnosed when it's during routine physicals and check checkups and stuff but aren't really skinny people don't they usually have low but then again smoking gives high blood pressure it is there's a whole there's a whole and you're not skinny there's a whole we saw that that picture yeah i mean ever since weight watchers i've made friends with a lot of people have kind of brought me into the light yeah because i've lied to myself for several years now i'm like not hot enough for gold to hollywood too skinny for curves that's why I run marathons I'm out there by myself no one's judging me you're right so wait I am I'm old I take oh it's eight o'clock I gotta take my high blood pressure pill in my when the molly hit my large glass of insure and then, you know, put my curlers in and then set the wig down and go to bed.

It's so, it's not depressing. It's, um, it's not really humbling. It's just, um, humiliating. 40s a lot. Yeah. Honestly, that's a lot. Have you ever seen that video of that woman? She's getting her haircut. No, she's getting her hair colored and she's like i pay you to do my hair and the woman's like oh well i that's my assistant robin and you know she'll do your hair and yeah and they get really snippy and the girl's like well i pay you to do it and the hairdresser's like well oh that's my assistant so you should really trust me and then the girl in the chair goes to hit her goes to hit her hairstylist and there's a security camera going and the footage is her going did you just try to hit me robin get the fuck out of my chair and pulls the thing off her and kicks her out and the lady's like i see you said you do my hair i can't leave with my color his color still on her

hair and she walks out and the woman says something i love so much she goes that's a lot robin that was a lot robin i'm like shaking am Am I Robin in this situation? No, but being 40 is Robin. That's a lot Robin. I need to kick this age out of the chair into the street with its color still on. Yes. Nematode. Yeah, nematode.

That's a new one folks at home. We have just. We've discovered some new celebrity information. We've privately bonded over some classified information that we will not disclose at the current time. We have just We've discovered some new celebrity information. We've privately bonded over some classified information that we will not disclose at the current time. We just have to do our best

to follow along. But certain celebrities dragging other celebs and it's just all in good fun. A certain celebrity who called another celebrity said that she looks

like a nematode. A nematode. A nematode. And another and then in another instance she had made mention of someone looking like a turkey a wild ass turkey that didn't get slaughtered.

Just a lazy, big old fat turkey bitch. Something like that. So the creativity is what I appreciate. That's what I appreciate. It's not just like you stupid bitch. It's the colorful, the imagination is really like stretched to accommodate these wild. I don't even know What a nematode looks like

Bless you Nematode is Yeah It's like It looks like an eel It's crazy I don't think she knows What an actual nematode is

Because she was talking about That ain't no frog bitch That's a fucking toad You know whatever You don't taste that nematode In your mouth Not to one up you And your hip flexor problem,

my left eye, right eye, eyelid has been twitching. Oh, shoot. Two to three times a day, it does like a... Oh, really? And then goes away. And I looked up what causes it, and they said nothing and everything. Yes, lymphoma.

Hodgkin's. Hodgkin's, yeah. Bob Hoskin's lymphoma. And they also said Caffeine Stress And lack of sleep And being a faggot

And being a faggot Being a huge gay But it was really going off Through the day on my run And I was running down the street Like this on Santa Monica Boulevard Yeah Just twitching

It is eerie when you feel it Because obviously It's an involuntary response And it's just She's yapping at you. She's got something to say. What are you talking about? Yeah.

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Because out on the trails our connections strengthen with every step so take root and find that fresh fall perspective in pure michigan keep it fresh at michigan.org i gotta tell you this too getting old is is difficult because we just talked about this on the phone i have been finding myself very tired at the end of the day because which i guess is good you're supposed to get tired at night but lately i've been trying to do the amount of shit i've always done and i keep getting tired and i'm running out of gas before i'm done with things i want to do we have to call unsolved mysteries because how i I don't know.

Listen, I consider myself a fairly educated person with a reasonable amount of street smarts, but I can't figure this out. She's got three or four jobs. She's got about 16 hours of actual physical activity. I don't know how she gets tired. Are you on drugs? Maybe yesterday. Yes, I do.

We did. Can I say this? gets tired are you on drugs maybe yesterday yes i do we did this or we had to be on set in drag yesterday at 8 30 a.m what time did you wake up that i you overslept six i woke up at six of 5 45 5 45 because it takes me longer to get started now you know what though i still got seven hours that's great i went to bed by like 10, 11. What an indulgent, lazy piece of shit you are for sleeping full seven hours. Well, you know what the tea was?

What? I had to DJ last night so I knew I was going to be getting in and make up at 6 a.m. and DJing at midnight. In drag? No, I wasn't in drag. I was unable.

Someone lied to her several times. Oh, okay. That makes me feel like you're a less self-harm inclined because that seems, but I came back from our shoot. I came back here and did a whole bunch of YouTube videos. That is, that is really impressive.

It is a lot. It's too much. Yeah. That is pretty, but getting old because I used to like in, you know, in my early twenties, I'd have like three jobs and be in college,

you know, or I'd be like in beauty school with four jobs and doing drag shows every night. And then also staying up all night, drinking all the liquors and stuff like that. And when I was doing drag college, you know, or I'd be like in beauty school with four jobs and doing drag shows every night. And then also staying up all night, drinking all the liquors and stuff like that. And when I was doing drag show, drag shows, drinking at every show drunk,

you know, and now I just can't, I just can't do that. I get tired. Now it's like, if I have to go out that night, if I have a social obligation, I'm like, I have to sleep late that day.

Yeah. Or I have to take some crazy nap. Oh, I won't make it. There's no way. I mean, I fell asleep at a movie that sleep late that day. Yeah. Or I have to take some crazy nap. Or I won't make it. There's no way. I mean, I fell asleep at a movie that I was enthralled with. How about that? How about that?

I just drooled. Old. I drool so much. I drool so much. I was talking to David on FaceTime. And I was talking to him. And he was talking. And I just drooled.

I drool at least once a day. You weren't even talking. You were just slurring and drooling and half asleep. I'm like that girl with the rag. Oh yeah. I drool all the time. It's not okay. My eyes twitching. I'm drooling. Wow. This is, this is us. This is grim. One medical. I mean, I love one medical. I loved my doctor. I loved my doctor. I loved my doctor. But when I found out he wasn't necessarily my primary care physician,

I was sad because I want him to be. Maybe he won't be. I don't know. My boyfriend and I have the same doctor, which makes it really great. That's gross. That's gross. No, it's nice. Oh, it is?

Yeah. Why? I don't know why. It just is. Because I like it. Oh, my God. Let me tell you about something. What's the deal?

Getting older is not it. I'm a big advocate for euthanasia, for assisted suicide. And Switzerland is on the cutting edge of this. It's legal there and um they had to design this sarco death or this person had designed this sarco death pod that is supposedly um it's a little pod with a clear like a kind of looks like a luge or like um a bobsled thing or just like an escape pod from a spaceship right so you can get can get in the pod. You have a beautiful view of wherever. You take it wherever you want to go. I could put it right here on the balcony.

What are you talking about? It's like a clear bubble? So a clear bubble. And it is activated remotely. And then when you get in the pod and you decide that's a wrap, you press a button and through nitrogen gas or whatever, it supposedly delivers a painless, very quick death. Under 90 seconds or so.

Allegedly, there's a bit of euphoria and then death. I watched a video on YouTube. I watch a lot of YouTube. I know. And I watch a lot of things I shouldn't watch. I know. And after I'm done with about 75 Totsal Stone videos, I move on. To the

Sinaloa cartel dismembering people in the jungle once i've done rotten to the completion i watched one the other day of i think it was sweden and it was like um a guy and his wife and he signs this paper and the doctor's there whatever and he's on his couch and the woman's there and he drinks this little dixie cup and they just hang out and talk until he passes away. Which is such a lovely alternative to whatever reason, I mean, what if he was very, very ill? And then the option is for him to violently kill himself. Or, get this, this is fun,

you could languish for months at a palliative care facility being taken care of by, I don't know, people who don't want to be there, who maybe might mistreat you, and then you get to saddle your loved ones with hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical bills. Be your own Dr. Sleep. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. You know? Yeah. I just, I don't think, I mean, you get to lose weight if you go to the- When you die? Yeah. Like, I mean, I mean- Skinny.

If your option is to either, if the government has an option for you to drink this Dixie cup or sit in the bubble and pass away painlessly, peacefully at your own, at your own leisure. Yeah. Yeah. You, you put the kids in the car, you spin the mobile above the crib for the baby. You set Alexa to like an auto timer and you go out on the patio and you do the bubble boy. Yeah. If you don't have the nitrogen, you do Britney Spears Curious. You just keep pumping it in there until it's a noxious cloud.

I'm just saying, I just think these options need to be available because the same way some countries are like, we don't want abortion unless it's rape. Right. It should be like, you can say, I don't think people should willy nilly kill themselves. But if there's a situation where you're terminally ill, there should be like you can say i don't think people should willy-nilly kill themselves but if there's a situation where you're terminally ill there should be options for people to go with like grace dignity and in a way that doesn't traumatize their families or burden them with debt yeah you know what i mean it's like oh we would love to keep you alive um literally attached to an iron lung for five months where you're um barely conscious or

have any agency what you know i mean it's just so but anyways with the uh in switzerland i think you have to be 50 there's an age limit so i don't think like as this as a precocious teen you can just like get in the death pod after a bad day at school and then just click and yeah otherwise gen z would be fucking going off they'd be ticked estimated just made you press this button yeah and then the nitrogen comes in and then you go oh tick talking it yeah death potting death potting death pot would be new tide pods 100 gen z would be like i got my my brow glue the thing that glues the brows to the skin i got my death pod i'm great i'm great but you know what though the trash can opened haunted i love haunted shit oh i'm reading christine right now haunted cars

it's well i think it's i can't really tell if it's haunted or the car just is some sort of autonomy yeah sentient in some way it's venge vengeful. It's jealous. Yeah, yeah. It is. It's a sentient car. She's got an agenda. I've never seen the movie and I've never read it. So reading it through. I haven't either.

I know nothing about it. So reading it through was like thrilling. Because most of the Stephen King books I've read, I've seen the movie. So then I kind of know what's coming. Yeah. This time I'm like, what's going to happen? What is going to happen? I don't know.

yeah this time i'm like what's gonna happen what is gonna happen i don't know but i think the metaphor here is like i mean i think it's about drugs no no it's about don't trust your mechanic you got like listen the last you think you're gonna bring those brakes in for like they're gonna say your whole transmission needs to be replaced and then they're gonna be like oh but we got to go through the back we're gonna take out the rear windshield they're gonna tell you they're putting new new tires on it's just retreads yeah and it's gonna take a while they get the parts from germany it's like but this is a chrysler what are you talking about yeah i don't know sis drop out drugs the metaphor well steven king being a drug addict in every book i'm looking for like addicts yeah he

was a hardcore drug addict which kind of drugs drinking. That's how he would finish a lot of his books. Just... We were filming something the other day where I had to sip decaffeinated coffee. Oh. In a scene. Oh, did you try

real decaffeinated coffee? Yes, because... And I've never even really had real coffee. Is this instant coffee or... It was instant coffee. Instant decaffeinated coffee mixed into cold water.

I've never had something so horrible. Can I ask... Urine? Who's, you asked me recently. Have you ever drank your own piss? Well,

we guess we could talk about it on the pod because you didn't add for free spirits. But, it's been said before like, hey, who's drinking if there's no alcohol? Right.

And you could say, oh, if you're the designated driver. Yes. Or if you are pregnant. Or if you're sober. Or sober, yeah.

And you just want a cocktail that sounds like alcohol, but who's drinking decaffeinated coffee. I'm going to tell you something right now about that. It's just Lauren McCall. And the real, of course the real elephant in the room is it is caffeinated. It is. The money makes it uncaffeinated.

The money that they gave her to do the ad. It's a lie. So wait a minute. Nobody's drinking decaffeinated coffee. That's not true. So wait a minute. That's not true. Plus, do they take coffee beans and somehow remove the caffeine?

Decaffeinated coffee does have caffeine in it. It does? Yes, it does. A little bit. Yes, it does. It does. It does. Actually, maybe, I think probably the amount that a green tea has.

Oh. Yeah. I drink black tea, which is surprisingly strong. I think people think- It's about 25% of caffeine of a cup of coffee. I know. I think if I had a cup of coffee, I would lose it. Because I can have maybe two of these during the day.

Fucking crazy. Black, clove black tea. I stopped drinking the hot black tea because it dyes my bottom teeth, my real teeth colors oh yeah and the veneers don't take color stained so then i'm like a clorox commercial toned yeah mama's got whites right they just got brown chiclets down there i'm gonna get one of those glowing blue things that the tiktok people have the glowing blue mouth things the teeth whiteners are you gonna get bottom veneers ever i'm not pressuring you to do so like i did with the nose job and i was eviscerated for online oh is that what people thought you were doing no i actively campaigned for you to get a nose job i said you should get

a nose job well when i do youtube my first camera is straight in front of me and my second one's to the right and my nose quirks this way so when the right camera is edited to that the nose is like i i just like i because of the geometry because you do your face in such a way that they're just shapes and in lines i was like if you don't i was like holy shit i had to start drawing it on right yeah and i was just like holy fucking hell but there's no breathing problem right no no no snore i don't have any problems i noticed that why do you what is the skin at the back of your neck bleed though all the time well it's six six six yeah um it's 69 69 no david snores like like no you change no no i i sleep like what i think people in sleep commercials sleep like like a nyquil commercial

i like get in bed oh you just i'm like set the alarm yeah i go to you you wake up smiling i go to bed smiling i literally head hits the pillow and then bam that i'm not kidding less than 60 seconds rem cycle i go straight to rem cycle before yeah my eyes are open your teeth and i'm in the rem cycle so i'm it's it's a little weird for people when they sleep over and David's going to do this. Yeah. Every night I die. Like we hardly knew you. Um, but David's David snores like Texas chainsaw, leather face,

like the devil, the fruit of the devil. And he didn't used to. And I've, I've gotten to the point where sometimes I have to like, like an old married woman and be like, I gotta hit him. I gotta push him.

I gotta do something. And that poor thing, you know, David's bigger than me and David's poor little thing is on the corner of the bed because you know how I'm sleeping, baby. Yeah, sprung out like snow angels in the bed. In real life, I'm not that flexible.

Oh, contortion in the bedroom. In the context of sleeping, I'm doing like um what do you call like the ice skating like oh yeah dancers pose yeah yeah yeah it's crazy full expression i gotta move i gotta when i'm sleeping i gotta be on the side and i gotta have legs going front and back are you serious i'm waiting for the rapture when i'm sleeping i don't know what i'm doing a cow waiting to be beamed up. A cow? Because the aliens steal cows.

But cows... Oh yeah, I guess the cows don't lay like that. Wait, cows don't lay down at all, do they? No. They can't lay down. They got the little legs. The little t-legs. We're going to take a break. Introducing TD We're going to take a break. Oh, a contractor, or a consultant. You can get customized coverage for your business.

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72 hours of freshness from my pits to my... Ooh. I love that it's a spray. Me too. And it comes in sticks and creams too. Go get your secret whole body deodorant. Okay, I have to say this. Speaking of sleep, snoring,

the other night, did I ever share this with you? No. Oh, man. And if you did, I wouldn't remember. I know. I want to play. I got an audio file. I didn't play you the audio file? No.

Okay. Mama, something went down. Wait a minute. I didn't play play this on my phone when the the screaming from my other what mama something went down something had transpired so there's been this ongoing drama where i don't have we i think we talked about that i can't i can't say oh neighbors can you please keep it down because mama the macarena was on at 2 a.m oh you did tell me those but in the screaming though? You told me on. I played the screaming? You didn't play the screaming.

I told you about the Macarena though. You just told me about it. Oh, I didn't play you the recorded? No, you told me that your neighbor was playing the Macarena over and over again. The next night though, all hell broke loose. Really? Yeah, and here's, I'll show you. It's, and I felt like, why am I doing this?

I should be calling the police. But I was like, who calls the police? It's not a good idea to call the police. Because it was. I'm afraid to call the police in general. I don't want to call the police. I'm not going to call the police. They're not going to help.

But maybe they would here. Because listen. So I get out of bed. Keep it closer. Why would I'm not going to call the police? They're not going to help, but maybe they, maybe they would hear because listen, so I get out of bed closer. Yeah. I get out of bed and I go to the bathroom window and then I hear, I can hear footsteps. You're lying. No. And it,

hold on, hold on. This was the weakest part. And then. I had gone to. That's gaggy. So I had gone to the window. First, it was a cat.

This is 1 a.m. And I was like, they were playing music loud. And I was like, I didn't have to get up early the next day. But I was like, you know what? I don early the next day but I was like I was just you know what I don't want any drama I go to bed I put the fan on

super loud and then I put a little YouTube like meditation thing on like I usually do and it's loud in my room and then I hear this screeching and it's like the cat it's like a cat or something

they get this crazy cat whatever then it becomes human and I'm like what the fuck is happening it's a cat but it's human no no no no like, what the fuck is happening? It's a cat, but it's human? No, no, no, no, no. It's Jocelyn Wilders.

Outside your window, screaming. Can you play it again? I need to hear it again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. So this was, I went to go, I was like, it occurred to me, I was like, should I call the, what's happening? Should I call somebody?

Should I go down there and look? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I didn't know what to do. And then I was like, I gotta, I just have to make look? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I didn't know what to do. And then I was like, I gotta, I just have to make sure that I'm not crazy.

I'm going to, you know, by the way, pause it. What kind of true crime fucking bullshit, by the way, you're the stairs seem like they're really straining under your weight. Do you hear that part of it?

It's me. Play the beginning again. Let's listen to those stairs. That's the stair being like ow it's the wood floor the i hope it's a door close screen door our creaky door by the way i can't believe that screen so how close did it sound it sounded like it was in my bathroom that is horrifying it was horrifying like the the walls unfortunately the walls unfortunately i realize are paper Like it was in my bathroom. That is horrifying. It was horrifying. Like the walls, unfortunately,

the walls, unfortunately, I realized are paper fucking thin. Thus the Macarena. Like it was in, I started doing it. Were you, well, there's something about the Macarena. It's very infectious.

You're like, would you turn it off? I have to come. I have to go. Yeah. Were you scared? Um, I was annoyed first.

No, I'm talking about the scream. Yes, I was like, is somebody dying? But then it felt like grief, wailing. Doesn't that seem to you like a whale? W-A-I-L-I-N-G. I just am scared that it came from nowhere. It wasn't like, oh.

I feel like wailing would start slow and get worse this was the the end of it it was more intense before it was screaming that didn't cut through the night you heard that before and then recorded it yeah i that's fucking crazy i heard it and i went up to get to record it it was gone i went back to bed then it started again and i and i went up and i did it And I was like Cause I have to Get a record of this somehow Cause it was so infrequent What if it's a ghost

That ain't no fucking ghost Bitch Ghosts are quiet What if you and I Did ghost hunting It's so boring There was a network That pitched a show to me

That was drag queens Ghost hunting And I said No drag queens Are gonna go Where you put those cameras here In the dark In green light

With an up light In green light we're not doing night vision that's the ghost that's the horror movie yeah no also they want a free horror movie that's what they want yes and in ghost shows they'll be like you know and all the drag queens i know it's supposed to be fight or flight all these bitches are fight but casper's gonna get punched out so a cameraman's just gonna to die. It's going to happen. No kidding. Imagine like me. I don't know.

Not me. I guess. There ain't no fucking ghosts. I mean. Could you imagine like Monet? Let's see. Who else would be the best in like a, in like a, because I think Monet would believe it. She would get scared.

She would go with it. She would get really carried away. And then, I don't know. I want like Gia. Gia or Blair. Blair. Blair would be screaming. Yeah.

The Blair Witch Project. You're welcome. Found footage. I love found footage movies. Girl, that movie Creep gets me together. I don't like it anymore. It gets me nauseous. The novelty has worn off for me.

That shaky cam is going to, yeah. You've seen Creep? I've seen Creep and I've seen his dirty ding-dong in that movie. Creep 2? Which one we see the ding-a-ling in? I've seen them both, I think. I've seen his ding-a-ling. Did you see his ding-a-ling?

That scene where the camera guy's walking downstairs and he's against the door in the wolf mask still. Oh, yeah. The video he shows the girl with the guy with the axe. Yes. It's a lot. When he shows it to her the guy with the axe. Yes. It's a lot. When he shows it to her. That's the second one.

And she thinks it's fake. And he's like, does it scare you? And she's like, not really. Oh, because he hires her off Craigslist to come videotape. And she has a YouTube series where she learns about people. Do you see this movie, Mark? Gag. The real gag of it, the real gag of the season,

is the opening of that second one where he's filming with his friend. And he's like, I've really had a good time getting to know you. Oh, and he kills him. On camera, stabs him. I mean, that movie was so, those movies are so scary. And I love movies like that where, you know, it costs so much to make a movie. And movies like that cheat the system. They make an engaging film with so little.

And you're like, it's not about full body prosthetics it's not about cgi it's not about like it's about taking a can light and shoving it between your ass it's about innovation and storytelling and the performance mark mark mark duplass he directed you in room 104 no he produced it he produced it yeah the performance he gives is so absurdly good that's a creep he carries that movie yeah with his dirty ding dong yeah it's creepy it's truly so creepy and the fact that in the first one the whole time you think he has cancer and he's like oh that one i haven't seen oh the first one starts because this guy is paid to make a, he's like, hey, I have terminal cancer and my wife is pregnant. I want to make a video talking to him so that he knows who I am.

Okay. So I want you to follow me for a day and just let me talk to the camera. And then the guy slowly figures out that he doesn't have cancer. And he talks to his sister and he's like, are you in the house with him? You need to leave immediately. It's so chilling. It's similar. It's similar chilling. Oh, that just gave me some chili. It's similar. It's similar to that fierce movie, The Visit.

Or The Invitation. No, Invitation's fabulous, but The Visit is found footage where it's grandkids visiting their grandparents they'd never met. Oh, I haven't seen that one yet. I have to ruin it for you. Please, tell me, tell me, tell me. There's a part where they're like,

after the whole movie, they're like 75% through the film, they're like, you know, 75% through the film and the daughter's like, we got to call mom. We got to FaceTime mom or Zoom. You know, grandma's been really weird. Grandpa's been really weird.

And the mom's like, show me, show me where they are. And they hold the phone out the window and they show grandma and grandpa out in the yard waving. And the mom goes, those are not your grandparents. And they've been living

with the grandparents for months. It's fucking crazy. You have to watch it. Whoa. I scared myself. What is, what is, I saw the one where,

I scared myself retelling the plot of a movie. If that scream would have happened and I would have heard that, I would have screamed louder and longer. She would have said, ah, and I would have said, ah, like I would have one one out her out of sheer terror like maybe the next time i hear scream i'm gonna blast the macarena i'm gonna hit him no you know what you need to give remember silence of the lambs when she screams and he's like oh you need to give i need to jay gum that bitch you need to get back. I need to jay-gum that bitch.

You need to knock on her door. Goodbye, horses. Yes. First, the bad news. SAP Business AI won't help you generate cubist versions of your family's holiday photos but it will help you understand which supplier is best to help you roll out your plant-based packaging in southeast asia identify the training your junior project manager needs to rise up the ranks and automate repetitive tasks while you focus on big innovations so you can be ready

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zero incisions. And that very same day, two steady hands. From innovation to action, Sunnybrook is special. Learn more at sunnybrook.ca slash special. I'm just worried that there was a true crime incident that had taken place and now I have been a witness to it. I'm concerned that there was a true crime incident That had taken place And now I have been a witness I'm concerned that there was a true crime incident That you could have been involved in

And I'm also concerned that there's paranormal activity And you're not harvesting it for personal gain on social media Okay Because you could have a ghost hunting TikTok Honey Three reasons there's a ghost in your house Screaming Maybe it's the ghost of I forget what band it is that sings Macarena. Maybe it's the ghost of, I forget what band it is that sings Macarena, but maybe it's

the ghost of them. Psy? It's the ghost of their careers. Oh, and that's the tea, hunty. You know what? We need to, I know we're wrapping up, but we need to destigmatize a one-hit wonder. Those bitches have it figured out. Oh, yeah.

Oh, you couldn't. Longevity? That means having to stay after hours. Yeah, longevity. hours yeah that means having to work in your 40s that means having to come up with your own skincare line to hide the fact that you get surgical procedures done every six months to look youthful you know i mean one hit wonder it's wonderful and you don't have to work ever again yeah toyota-thon they license that song You're sitting pretty in the Bahamas. Yes to Kia. Y2K.

Yes to Kia. Girl, early Bob June. When I did Whitney Cummings' pod, I met Natasha Bedingfield. Feel the rain on your skin. Big time. If you wrote Unwritten. Honey. And that's your song.

You own the publishing. You never have to write again. Put your feet up, Mary. Gain a lot of weight. And get premium cable. And nothing who cares fake your death start again i'm worried about following up with my sophomore album fuck that sophomore album you're dropping out of school baby it's hammer time at the most you can coach little league like for a few months a year that's it you're going to get you're going to Vegas, you're going to let it all ride.

Flipping houses. Couldn't agree more. Killing people. You can do your Vegas residency, but since you're a one-hit wonder, it's a very short show. 12 minutes with a six-minute intro. A six-minute highlight reel.

And a one-minute Q&A. Would you ever do Vegas someday if we ever got to do it? Like a residency? No, I don't believe I would. Unless, unless it was... The Quintinta? No, unless it was like a residency? No, I don't believe I would. Unless, unless it was. The Quintinta? No, unless it was like at the Bellagio in the water with the fountains.

Those fountains made me cry. I would want to do it in like some kind of, some kind of scenario where the production is so elaborate and so incredible. That no one makes money? No, no. That the likelihood of me dying in a giant toilet like Katy Perry with a,

did you see her in the toilet? I 100%. You saw her within the toilet paper. I want a giant prosthetic. I want to come between two legs on a heavy flow day, a red, blood red slip inside, come out of a period

and then get like snatched up in a tampon and then like shot up into the ceiling and then blown out of a period, and then get snatched up in a tampon and then shot up into the ceiling and then blown out of a cannon into the audience in a diaper. Every night. Every night. And that would be fun. But just like, da-da-da-da-da, boo-da-boo-da-boo, no. But think about it.

The audience comes to us. You get to tour without ever going anywhere. No, I get the appeal for sure in vegas is its own kind of world but i don't know i just don't i don't i think i think you would be great in a vegas residency i will do a cute six minutes like a um you know how you have a bit with the audience i believe you'll do six minutes i don't believe it'll be cute i will provide the necessary boner break that will propel the second half of your act. There's a fierce clip of Tiffany New York Pollard

on Flavor of Love where she goes, I think she goes like, Goldie's cute. She's a cute girl. I think I just spit food out. Goldie's cute. She's a cute girl, but you know,

I'm gorgeous. Gorgeous devours cute. And that's how i feel about you gorgeous drools all over cute and it spits food at it i would how about this be like you would um we would do with like another fake um uh riff or whatever fight you know you splinter off a hugely successful do residency Dueling shows No no no no no no no no no I come to see your show I'm in

I arrive late Right after intermission And then you do a bit With the crowd And it's me I take off my Beagle puss glasses And my trench coat

And it's me in drag And then I do a three minute Sort of maybe physical comedy Thing with you And you shoot me Or somebody shoots I don't know I would love for you To come to the show With your husband And then I do a three minute sort of maybe physical comedy thing with you. And you shoot me. Or somebody shoots. I don't know.

I would love for you to come to the show with your husband. And everyone. Sci-fi. And he's like, she's magnificent. And then you come to the dressing room. And I'm like. Mad. And then I steal your husband. And I'm taking.

I have my. What would I be ringing? It wouldn't be like. Was it a handkerchief? It would be. Like a I steal your husband. And I'm taking, I have my ring. What would I be wringing? It wouldn't be like, was it a handkerchief? It would be, like a Marlboro's. Just twisting and a little tobacco

running out the bottom of the crushed cardboard. Tobacco and blood. It's a ShamWow. It's your sweat rag. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My dishcloth or just a bunch of my barbed wire.

Remember the ShamWow? I've never, I'm not. It was a rag they sold on television. ShamWow. It's a ShamWow which is like a rag. I'm actually not clear about what it is. But it's wow because it holds a lot of moisture. I'm not exactly clear on what a ShamWow

is. There's a gentleman, he had a Britney microphone on TV which makes no sense. There's a commercial where he's like look it holds all this fluid. It was like a tampon commercial where they pour the fluid on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it true though? I yeah, yeah. Is it true, though? I never got one. Is it?

If you have a ShamWow, please comment. Let us know how it actually went. Yeah, let us know. Because let me, I'll tell you what. When I took off my drag the other day, at the end of the day, having done running, I probably ran a mile that day in drag. Wow. Not a mile. I really don't believe that.

Half a mile. I really did. Just between setting up, jumping, fighting, I was in a van. At the end of the day, I took off the costume, and I was like, I wonder if this should just be burned immediately. But you can't burn something that wet.

No. If I had burned it and tried to throw it in the fire, I would have caught on fire like in Hereditary. Do you know what I mean? And I would have been, what's her hereditary. You would have. You know what I mean? And I would have been, um, uh, what's her name?

Not Tony. Tony, Tony Collette. And that scene where she's like, but I would have been, yeah, I actually, that's what I want to do in your show.

I want to piano wire my head off every night and I go to sleep smiling. And that's our double act. That'd be fierce. That would be fierce. That would be fierce if the last thing people saw was my headless body just floating up into a treehouse. That part made me laugh. It's funny. It's whimsical. That body just, she went, whoop.

And she knew exactly where the flight, the air traffic control was like, okay, yep. And headless body, we're going to go up and into the treehouse. That made me laugh. It's hysterical. Yeah. You know what scene is lit? What? That scene at the dinner table

when Toni Collette and that teen boy get in a fight. Yeah, when she lets it all out. I know we've talked about it like 40 times. They need to give serious awards away for comedy, or I mean horror films. Yeah.

Because it's a horror film. I mean, I finished Misery and I was like, you know what? After reading this, Miss Kathy Bates Well, she did win an Oscar. I know,

but that's like the only time that shit happens. Yeah, I know. I mean, I think Rebecca Hall should have been nominated for the Night House. She's the lead in this. She's in every fucking scene.

It's so good. There's so much range happening. It's a lot to sell in a horror movie, especially if it's supernatural. The stakes have to be extremely high. Yeah. I mean, in normal movies,

it's like, well, what if we don't, what if he doesn't give me the ring and we don't get married? Yeah. You're fighting for your life in a horror movie. Ned Campbell should have an EGOT. Yeah.

Where's the Tony from though? Scream the musical. Just screaming. She's screaming house she was at your house i mean so what do i do well my neighbors are probably confused because i think they know i do drag and if i scream they're like is she laughing oh yeah because you've got it you've got mixed signals going on is she laughing sometimes when i'm in my room doing youtube by myself i'm screaming in there and i'm always like what are the neighbors things going on. Is she laughing? Sometimes when I'm in my room doing YouTube by myself, I'm screaming in there and I'm always like, what are the neighbors things going on? I'm putting on blush like, ah!

Like they probably, I'm that kid in Babadook in the backseat. I didn't realize. It's funny when you see where a meme comes from. That's fun. When she's like, what is wrong with you? I love that. That movie fucking ruled. Turned it. Turned the party that baba duke swedish

is it swedish no is it swedish british i think it's british those people don't speak it is it's australian it's australian australian film australian actors are so damn good i'll tell you what film wise Macbeth fucking stunning the tragedy of Macbeth Denzel Washington and Francis McDormand by Joel Cohen stunting I prefer McFlurry and that's the end of the pod okay bye Bye.