The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Have a Smile for Breakfast and You’ll Be Pooping Joy by Lunch with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: February 21, 2023

Open now in beautiful West Hollywood, CA, it's The Brians' Breakfast Shack! It's like the Love Shack, but with less sex and more superfluous orange blossom plate garnishes! The Brians' Breakfast Shack Menu includes all your favorite hearty, wholesome breakfast foods! Featuring items as varied as our Flying Firkus Pancake Platter to our Egg McCooken Sun-Dried-Chicken Legs Breakfast Sandwich to our world-famous Griddled Brian Toast™, which Oprah's Book Club referred to as, "A honey-cinnamon-tinged parking-structure orgy for your taste buds!" At The Brians' Breakfast Shack, you'll find everything you love, except for unionized waitstaff! Order now on the McFirken App, available on all BlackBerry devices! * *McFirken App available at zero participating Brians' locations. Prices may vary. Get your favorite self-pleasure product with 20% off at https://lovehoney.co/BaldandBeautiful_WeVibe with our PROMO CODE: BALD20 Shop Tommy John’s colorful NEW spring designs at https://TommyJohn.com/BALD and get 20% off your first order! This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp online therapy. Visit https://BetterHelp.com/BALD today to get 10% off your first month! Head to https://FactorMeals.com/BALD60 and use code BALD60 to get 60% off your first box! Start shopping and saving now! Go to https://www.rakuten.com now or download the Rakuten App today! Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our new book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue.yorku.ca. Hey. Hey, guys. Oh shit. Wow. Hi. I got your Christmas present. Oh no.

Did you hate it? Oh my Christmas present. No, this is for you. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't wrap it. No, no, no. It's fine. It's fine. I didn't know.

I didn't apologize. I'm just telling you I didn't wrap it. It's cool. It's really cool. It's a great gift. I'll't know I didn't apologize. I'm just telling you didn't wrap it It's cool, it's really cool It's a great judge of that. It's a really great gift little better than your gift Well could be cash Could you imagine yes I can You don't have to pretend if you don't like it You don't have to pretend if you don't like it.

Oh, I love it. You need a Zippo to put in it. Or like, you know, you need a lighter. Anything. My high blood pressure pills. Well, I think it's for a lighter. It is for a lighter, but chomp, chomp. Do you ever do Zippos or is that like cool?

I could do a regular lighter in there. It's nice, right? So fabulous. I love it so much. This artist on Etsy makes them by hand. I don't know who they are. Tooth to hand. It is so fierce. You don't know what I Googled to find that.

I opened my Christmas gift from you finally. It's fancy sheets. No, it actually was half for David because I know he has a profuse sweater at night. Mama, these changed the game. They flipped the script. It was a whole new story on nighttime sweating yeah think of the past david and i are having a good a good healthy um game of verbal

racquetball okay when it comes to the price of things in the home still oh yeah please today he was like i'm trying to find a rug for the dining room that's not too expensive so here's this i said this is a thousand dollars. Mama, get a grip, honey. He goes, well, the other one I wanted to show you was 3,000. I said, what? I said, have you tried rugs.com? Mama, mama, mama, mama. Rugs.com. No, but I went to rugs.com and I was like, can we find something for 300 bucks?

Do you want a tarp? That's the thing. David was like, it's going to be cheap. If you buy it cheap, it's going to look cheap. Some of these rugs are $50,000. Silk rugs, handmade. Mary, the rugs, you will gag. I've been deep and vicious in the rug game for a while now. I got a runner.

I love Moroccan bourbon rugs. You do have that side business, that rug steaming, deep cleaning business? Yeah, yeah. I got that. You know, it's called rug rats. It's extermination and rug cleaning. Yeah. Oh, my God. So we killed all the rats.

But I noticed these hardwood floors need a little protection. How about a runner? Well, that's okay. This is what you do. You go clean people's houses. And while you're there, you release some vermin. Three days later, you come back in a fake mustache You say

We're doing a check of the area And it seems like Do you have a rat infestation You gross pig And I also noticed This really ugly Laminate linoleum When you're in there

Doing the rats You snip some wires You come back As an electrician You keep the business going You jiggle the lock The locksmith It's a long con

But rugs Get out of, get out of town. Get out of town, Mary. The one he showed me was $1,000. I was like, how big was it? It's 9 by 12. Mama, $1,000, get out of here. Are you on his side? $5,000.

He's gotten to you. No, no, no. He's gotten to you. Mama, this is a rug you want for 10 years. Minimum. Everything's so expensive. Girl, the mover smashed the dining room table. Big piece of wood.

It's about 9 by 12. Giant dining room table. Because I have a lot of guests. A lot of dinners. I don't have a lot of guests, but they're all really fat. So there's a lot of big people. Three guests. Huge.

Big people. Bear parties. And they smashed the table and I had to call someone say hi i need a new thing i need a new wooden tabletop for my table three thousand dollars for a piece of solid walnut yeah i said a cherry walnut this actually grows on trees i what are we talking about here i know i know now i'm like every time i've ever gotten paid as a drag queen and i think i'm charging too much not when there's three thousand dollar think I'm charging too much. Not when there's $3,000 rugs in the world. Mama, well not when there's

$50,000 rugs. But aren't there machines making these rugs? No, some of these are handmade by machines. Robot hands. The $1,000 one, that is a machine. That prints out of a printer girl, a desk jet. I know.

A little card stock. I think he is right. I think everyone's right. Because every time I try to turn to a trusted confidant to complain about the price of these items, everyone's like, well, yeah, stuff costs money. But here's the thing, though. You can really be strategic antiquing on wall sconces for nothing. Yeah. You know what I mean? Super beautiful statement things, but a rug, a mattress, a bed frame.

He was like, well, you you know we're doing a mix he said we're doing a mix of really high-end stuff and then kind of like cheaper kitschy like i said i said and where are those items so far in the house because i haven't seen yeah i haven't seen nothing cheap nor kitschy yeah white glove service don't even get me started oh no white glove is open to interpretation diva because this whore came up in our house. These men assembled this coffee table. It was a cheaper coffee table because I hit the roof on that $3,000 coffee table. I said, we need to shut it down.

Yeah, absolutely. Get a cardboard box in here and spray paint it. But they put it together where the top tier was supposed to be glass and the bottom tier is mirror. Right? Two-tier coffee table. They put the mirror on top. David said, this is wrong. Yeah. And they were like they were like uh and he was like can you fix it and he said they were literally like yeah i guess but what is the point of paying for white glove service if you're not going to put it

together the way it at least looks in that picture yeah let me tell you about my white glove service white gloves honey when i ordered that's the white gloves, honey. When I ordered my- That's the red table talk. The white glove talk. This is when I ordered my Canopy King, California King bed frame out of solid wood that probably, not probably, that weighed up in the ballpark of seven to 800 pounds altogether. Your bed? In pieces, of course, the bed frame.

No, the old place. How does it not fall through the floor? Well, I mean, you've been up there, but I mean, you're putting your body on top of it. So like, what is that? 3,000 pounds? I mean, this thing came up in, I mean, it could have been a thousand pounds altogether. Easily. Easily.

And they carried it up there. The White Gloves service, one woman with an arm cast. Stop it. In a truck. Stop it. After I came home from the gym doing legs stop it wobbly wobbly like literally and i'm like uh so where are the white gloves exactly and where are the men where are the giant young virile men wearing them and i had to employ i had to have white jockstrap service when i had all those porn stars come over and lift it up.

But it was $700. Were you calling the fisting gays being like, can you get over here? Yes, please. I was like, yeah, I need some white glove service or some black glove service for the fisters. Not to be a predator. But wait, $800 for that white glove service, by the way. But there would be something very hot about naked movers. A little dangerous.

A little dangerous. I would say jockstrap. I mean, nothing sexual plays out, but like you're in your, you're in your bedroom working on your computer and then big hot muscly movers just drop dropping off the table and being like, bye. Well, movers are inherently sexy. They are. I've moved like five times.

They're coming in your house and they're touching your stuff and they're moving it. Sometimes. And if you do due diligence mama they that is a turn on i mean not a turn on sexually for them it's just convenient and they like that but for me it's a step in the door you know when i was on crank anchors i had to call a moving service and i had to request movers and i had to make it very romantically i had to call a moving service and be like well you know do you have anybody who's a pisces and i had to be like do you have how about between six two and six five in puerto rican oh my god like request did they really did they take it eventually they were being

very amicable and then eventually she goes i don't know what kind of service you think this is yeah yeah they were they were they got wise to me. Yeah. We're moving furniture, not your fat ass to orgasm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I mean, I love it.

I rock and roll, but he has to be able to read Braille. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Braille. And also Sanskrit. Um, doesn't need to have any vision or hearing, but yeah, all these other things are important. You know, putting together your own furniture.

It's fine. David and I put together that. David and I put together that makeup desk in my drag my drag room probably the only fight we ever had was over that yeah because it can introduce tension in a relationship oh you think trying to build furniture oh yeah so sometimes white glove service it is premium but what i want is for them to come in put it together correctly clean up that. That's what I, that's what I understand to be white glove service. Adequate bodies to transport the furniture safely, to arrange it neatly,

perfectly, and then to clean up. And like it was, they were never there. I would even pay for the heightened version of that, where they not only deliver the couch, they take your old one. Whatever that version is,

I would pay for that. Yeah. I would do white socks service too. White knuckle service white knuckle service white eye service yes well i just it's a lot to pay for and so i wish that they weren't um moving is feeble broken armed women or i wish they put the table together correctly or you should have seen me trying to lug i mean some of the pieces weighed 300 pounds. Just single pieces. Jesus.

And I had to lug it up the stairs. And you still love this bed? I had to sell it. But guess what? I didn't even have to sell it. I had to give it away. No! Nobody would take it because it was so heavy.

No! White Glove Service. How much was it? It was only $600 was only six hundred dollars but seven hundred dollars shipping white glove service fee honey yeah but it's beautiful it was sumptuous he would work casper no no the bed frame but is the mattress a casper the casper yeah it was a casper i sleep on that casper love it it's fabulous i sleep i sleep like a baby well baby on heroin okay there you go like yeah drool yeah drink the rem cycle yeah violent pinpoint pinpoint pupils glassy eyes just

unwakeable aspirating on your vomit david keeps it 60 degrees in the house oh i climb underneath his big hairy body yeah and i put them on top of me like a water bottle and I don't emerge until I see my shadow. Like I sleep nine hours straight through every night. It's fucking fierce. That is a privilege and it's a pleasure. And I wish everybody, it's a,

it's a human, right? It's human. That was the thing that David was trying to get me to spend money on was the bed. And I complained the whole time until the first night in the bed. When I laid on the fancy sheets with the fancy headboard and the fancy, I said, take what you want. Mama, take it all. Take the microwave.

Take my friends. Take the clothes. Take anything. But you can't take this bed away from me now. I'm shocked at how much. So I had to downgrade to a queen. Oh my God. But it's I think it's funny

that you are in a muscle like a mass gaining journey and then you get the smaller bed you're gonna become the whale no you're gonna be like shoulder to shoulder ends of the mattress well I'm gonna be like Rose on the on the little piece of wood yeah I mean

Jack is gonna have to go under the bed yeah yeah but the it's this he I think it's helix helix mama they little piece of wood. Yes. You know what I mean? Jack is going to have to go under the bed. Yeah. Yeah. But the, it's this, I think it's Helix. Helix, mama, they, they,

they turned this party so tightly. Screwed it in just right. The mattress. The mattress. Yeah. It's fierce. It's fierce. And it's not,

all things being, you know, all things things considered a car is very expensive twenty thousand fifty thousand four hundred thousand this was like twenty five hundred bucks love it and i sleep on it every night i put my naked body in that bed every night my friend becca who you know she worked at uh steinhoffels which is a big mattress store in the midwest and she always said the people buying mattresses she said you spend a third of your life on the mattress why would you settle why would you settle eat rice-a-roni eat crap for you know what i mean like i would rather eat spaghetti is not crap okay sorry but spaghettios chef boyardee

why are you listing my favorite foods saying they're all. Let's shit on the real shitty foods. Celery, lettuce. Yeah. You know, but like ramen for dinner. It's worth the sacrifice. If I knew then what I know now, I definitely would have got a better mattress. You know, you're in a different financial bracket than you were, let's say 10 years ago. I think even so though, but I'm saying $2,000 is you can save up for that in two years. I could have when I was poor I mean it paid back 15,000 when I was making no money. No, I'm done talking about the mattress. This is about something else Well, I have not done talking. I was gonna ask based on shitty foods cheap foods

What's a food that no matter how? How ridiculous if you became Jeff Bezos? What is this super dirt cheap food that you like love? Oh, but see I am the wrong person to ask because I don't, the decadence in my food consumption is all about the service and the preparation, people driving it to my house. That's where I get decadent. But girl, it's about Zankou, it's Chinese, it's I love to eat Thai. That's all, that's my cuisine. You should go on like a Miss Big tour, like go to Asia and just eat. See, Asia freaks me out because no sweet breakfast. I got to have a sweet breakfast.

I can't eat noodles and clams for breakfast. No, I can't. I cannot. You don't even like like eggs and toast for breakfast? No, I love that. Along with pancakes. I love it. Love it. Diner special 222 at the park. it's like french toast i love french toast i love pancakes i love sausage bacon scrambled eggs with hot sauce hot sauce i love breakfast dave is not a breakfast person this morning he woke up and i was i was making one i was making two eggs and one piece of wheat toast i like a simple wow yeah monk's airplane and tall yeah and he walks in and i'm apparently making Jiffy Pop. That's how I cook.

But he walks in and goes, oh, and then for me, I go, you don't eat breakfast. You never eat breakfast. We got to flip the script on that because breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I love breakfast. I love it too. I love cereal. Love it. Eggs and toast and potatoes.

Love it. Bitch, these and potatoes. Love it. Bitch, these frozen potatoes from Ore-Ida, they come with onions and red and green peppers mixed in them. Put them in the pan, crack an egg over it. Mama. Oh my God. What would you say to silver dollar pancakes, fresh squeezed orange juice, turkey bacon or bacon bacon.

Bacon bacon. And then perhaps like an oat milk flat white. Grape juice. Grapefruit juice. Concord grape juice. Just a shot. And I love those like morning ginger shots. Absolutely.

Get me together. Ginger and pepper. First thing in the morning, nose bleeding. Stomach puking. Yeah. Ulcers. Ulcers pumping. Someday we should open a breakfast spot.

Listen, I've- We set the standard incredibly high for good breakfast food but you know what though so in la it's a problem if back in boston there was this place called mike and patty's i lived and breathed by this it was breakfast and lunch two blocks from my house in the bay village literally four by four square feet oh wow okay like fit three people on a stool lines down the block, artisanal, yada, yada,

yada. They named a sandwich after me. They call it was called Brian toast. It was called Brian toast. It was, listen to this breakfast for drug race. Oh yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah. Cause I was in the neighborhood. So it's two pieces of toe. It's toast, cinnamon, honey, butter,

griddled like French toast. And so it's, um, cinnamon, honey, butter on bread, cinnamon, honey, butter on bread, and then griddled like French toast. And so it's- Cinnamon honey butter on bread. Cinnamon honey butter on bread and then griddled. Okay. And then powdered sugar over it. Whoa.

It was so delicious. It was so delicious. And they called it Brian toast. Careful, put it in breakfast. Yeah. But the point of that story is it folded. It's so hard to keep up. It's so hard.

Because it's breakfast. And in LA, you have to charge prices that are so unreasonable for breakfast. Yeah, but if we make the quality good. If we make it truly the best French toast in the neighborhood, truly the best coffee, the best everything. Yeah, I mean, there is some competition. And you know why I love to take something we love and make money off it? I mean, I love, I would love to be serving coffee behind the counter

in drag every day. This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot, but the rewards don't stop there. When you earn two times more points on things that matter to you and your business, easily track those business expenses

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Those things are just not part of who I am. But I've been coached and I've learned through my advisor that it's not one size fits all. Everyone has their own preferences. Everything that I do with Edward Jones is tailored to who I am. Edward Jones. We do money differently. Visit edwardjones.ca slash different. This episode is brought to you by Nespresso.

Elevate your morning coffee ritual. From the first sip of coffee in the morning to the on-the-go cup. Make every morning unforgettable with Nespresso. Discover a world of possibilities with or without milk. Visit Nespresso.ca to learn more or a Nespresso boutique near you. I worked at the motel on Christmas. I showed up in drag and I served happy hour. Did I tell you about this? I showed up in drag.

Guests start checking in about 3, 4. And I was there in drag and people would ring the doorbell. They'd have their suitcases and I would go open the door. Hi, this is Karen from Hospitality. But I thought they were going to be like, oh my God, Trixie. What did they do? Fear. Faces white.

Tongue swollen. Eyes bloodshot. Silent. I'm walking to their, I'm in drag with their suitcases. I go, isn't it beautiful? We have you in the Malibu. You're going to love it. And can I recommend our nacho?

Silence. Terrified of me. They go into their rooms. Then they know I'm still there. I'm out there with my tray serving happy hour. They're coming out of their rooms Then they know I'm still there I'm out there with my tray Serving happy hour They're coming out of their rooms like this Wait wait what is it

Because gay fear Fear They weren't ready for me to be there So I thought it'd be a fun holiday treat At the Trixie Motel But eventually I left Because I said I think I'm killing the vibe

Everyone's afraid of me So I gotta go But I was serving drinks to the people And I was like Damn What a bummer It was fun It was go. But I was serving drinks to the people and I was like- Damn, what a bummer. It was fun, it was really fun, but I was like, oh, they're scared, I should go. I feel like I should have served the drinks as a buffer. And then you come out as a big grand reveal

and then they're like, whoa. Well, we did have a guest stay the night after you stayed in that room. What'd they say happened? Well, I told them you took a bath and they were like, well, then I'm taking one. People wanna be close to you. Oh, wow. Well, and it's funny, because that tub is were like, well, then I'm taking one. People want to be close to you.

Oh, wow. Well, and it's funny because that tub is a little shallow for me because I got long legs. And you're big. Yeah. And I miss... When you got in, did it empty out completely? Well, it almost did. But then I noticed the little head of my penis, my teeny little acorn peony pecker was above

the water. And you had to pee. So you just filled the tub right back up. Thank you. Have you? Okay. I have this. Well, not breakfast fantasy, but I do have this kind of semi-recurring sexual fantasy

that probably will never happen because it involves a lot of cleanup. I want to piss in the bed on somebody. Okay. Like, whoa. Do it. Oh, wait. Are you surprised in this scenario? What was that sound?

It seems like you want to be surprised. I want it to be spontaneous, kind of. Because I don't want to lay down the rubber sheet. You know what I'm saying? It would involve a mess of horrible pissy cleanup. Well, the problem is that piss is going in the mattress. You can't clean piss out of the middle of the mattress. No, no, no.

I do have a mattress protector. Since I am getting into fisting, I'm going to do the latex rubbish sheet. I was going to say, why don't you do a latex sheet on the bottom and that way. But I want to do it in a hotel. It's just so rude and I would just never. Can you not do it at my motel? I would never. I piss in the sink only there.

Okay. By the way, for the listeners, I stayed at the Trixie Mot i didn't haven't uploaded my vlog yet about it my extensive vlog i'm still waiting on youtube to figure that out but it was you gotta get youtube down here yeah i was waiting for them all night long um it was really great it was really great i was very skeptical because i was like motel blah you know i want to stay the four seasons you know but it was it was so cute the bed was very comfortable Wonderful night's sleep And then even for me Yeehaw cowgirl not exactly my vibe I totally sank into the vibe

Lovely little kitchenette Breakfast nook outdoor area Smoking only for me For refrigerator I went to the grocery store And I loaded up on groceries That room also has the full bar You can sit in your computer. The vanity.

The vanity, Mary. Yeah. There's nothing. Water was a little brown at first, but that happens a lot of places. And then you got in the water and it got browner. Then we get black. Oh, or you can hear it. When I don't use that shower for a few days, when I turn it on, it's ending times.

Black diarrhea. It's blood. Yeah, yeah. It's black diarrhea. It's chunky. Yeah. Do you know about the fucking, I don't even want to talk about distilled water. Who gives a shit?

Now, I want to go back to breakfast. Yes. Do you like breakfast sandwiches? So here's the problem. Oh. What? I know. That's like the whole thing.

I know. I know. I know. I just can't get on the sandwich game. So this is my breakfast. I got to have something sweet. Uh-huh. I don't have to, but I prefer like even toast and jam and jelly.

That's something sweet. You know what I mean? So English breakfast, literally fuck the fuck out of here. Girl, get out of here. Fuck out of here with your. Get your baked beans and your half tomato and get the fuck out of here. And your pocky pucks. And mushrooms.

Marinated mushrooms. Mushrooms. Tomatoes. Girl. Potatoes. Bye. Okay. So it is brioche French toast or a lovely fluffy pancake.

Doesn't have to be flavored with blueberries, but I'm certainly welcome to that. That's nice. And then one or two. And then slices of bacon, sausage, like not wet, kind of dryish scrambled eggs, more well done. And then Tabasco and chup chupa chupa Cabra sauce and then um and then that's it do you do you like you know when we were in Europe I was trying to they do their eggs very runny and I've been trying to get more into that because I think as I get older I do like it you like wet eggs not wet but

like Americans notoriously overcook eggs you know that right like the rest Like the rest of the world is like, why are your eggs rubber? No, I like them fluffy. But we cook the moisture out of them. But see, I don't care. I like my turkey dry. I like my turkey like jerky on Thanksgiving. Yeah. This turkey's so moist, I'm like, ugh.

You don't even like like a bagel, cheese, and egg. See, I don't do cheese. Oh, see, that's what the sandwich is all about. Yeah, sandwich is all about cheese and the condiments. Okay, it's all making sense now. Yeah. I love brioche French toast. Oh, my God.

With compote. Girl. Waffles. Apple cinnamon. Girl, you ever been to the original Pancake House? The Apple Waffle? The giant Apple Cinnamon Waffle, honey? I had one when we were in Canada.

I ate the whole fucking thing It's so cunty They used to call it The big apple Back in Bickford's We used to smoke this big There was a challenge To eat the whole thing

You like donuts? I certainly do Merry Crispy cream The apple fritter Hot and it's fresh The California donuts In Hollywood

The apple fritter there Yeah Tarantina Wig Wig Wig Cronuts? Do you know what a cronut is? I sure do. It's a croissant and a donut.

It's lovely. How do they do it? I'm like, it takes, I don't cook like other people cook. Like at all. Yeah. But I mean, if it's green chef or something, I'll follow it. But somebody at some point invented a cronut. They also invented penicillin too though, Mama. But that doesn't matter.

How has that helped anyone? I'm talking about donuts. People are waiting in line for cronuts. Yeah. Yeah. And I've been going to this California donuts place enough in Hollywood that I'm waiting for them to finally ask my name because I want to be local.

I want a Brian toast. Yes. Yes. But I go there every day and they couldn't care less. Of course not. They were like, but Julie Roberts was just in here

and she slapped me. So no, there'll be like another cronut i'm like yeah oh gag i want another one is that what did you like boston cream you know put me in jail fuck me in prison but unrelated but i don't really like stuffed donuts too much and boston cream is a little too rich. It's custard, right? It's almost a little too rich. It's custard, right? It's custard.

And I think it's a little heavy. It's way too much for me. And I like custard, but it can get really eggy. Because custard is egg. It's goopy. It's goopy poopy. Remember when I was into making ice cream and I made that ice cream that was custard and you were like, something's wrong with this.

Yeah. And I said, yeah, it's custard. It was soup. It's cold soup. It was cold soup. It was a savory ice cream. Speaking of savory ice cream, not savory ice cream. I got these Fat Boy ice cream sandwiches from the grocery mart the other day.

They're called Fat Boy. The traditional ice cream sandwich in a Klondike-sized square. So delicious. So refreshing. Like so delicious. So you and Yeah. Like so delicious. So you and I are on different ends of the aisle because I'm over on the. I'm doing frozen pizzas, frozen treats, Haagen-Dazs. I'm doing whole milk half and half.

In my heart, I'm trying to have the. What's the skinny kind of ice cream? Mama, no. In my heart, I'm trying to have. Sorbet. But in my real self, my real, real self, when I'm alone at night in the dark. You're shoveling lard into your beer. I'm thinking about Cherry Garcia.

What's so wrong with that? Cherry ice cream with dark chocolate chips. Yes. And honey, you know what else? What else? That fish food from Ben and Jerry's. Any of those Ben and Jerry's. Shove it up my ass.

But see, here's the thing. You do that. It's just you don't do the whole pint but i'm not doing that either you know what i can do i could do it in thirds yeah yeah the top third and we're done now the next night you have a little more then you're done now yes yes yes eating the whole i've never eaten the whole oh i eat i eat a pint every time really oh yeah every time don't you feel sick no honey love it finally i it. Finally. I feel some weight. It weighs me down when I go to bed. Well, that's why you don't like breakfast sandwiches. You're having a pint of

ice cream first thing in the morning. No, not in the morning. Yeah. David today had one of those delivered coffees again. And I said, we're coming up to the talk where we're going to have to talk about your delivered coffee. We got to get the feds involved or something. I know. Yeah. Get Lisa on the case. She's got connections. No, she's got connections. I know. Yeah. Get Lisa on the case. She's an enabler. No, she's got connections. I mean, the swans, the moats, that's a luxury. That's decadence.

No, but Lisa's the one who's always like, you know what? You work hard. Don't you want your home to be a sanctuary? But yes. And on that note, it will be even more of a sanctuary when you have the perfect coffee. That's how I feel. I said the perfect coffee unmatched by anybody exactly when you want it. Hot.

Because really, you drink coffee. Every day. The coffee people at the stores, they're not doing different than you can do at home, right? Or are they? Is the store coffee better? My grandpa used to say that McDonald's coffee was the best. It depends. But here's the thing. It's in transit. If it's hot, it's cold by the time it gets to you. It's getting trampled. It's getting spit on. It's getting handled. It's getting transported

by a person who's underpaid. Now, if you're going to splurge and get coffee delivered, where do you like best here? I would just do like, if I'm going to splurge, I'm going to say, get those nasty milkshake frappuccinos from starbucks get four of them i've seen you drink those desserts yeah it's a milkshake it's an oreo cookie um full fat milkshake with caffeine it's about 1700 calories 2500 grams of sugar and i go like this if i even sniffed one of those i would get cankles it's just so much sugar well mama we know it's big yeah i like i mean this is a place called alfred over in west hollywood and they have a rose um like a rose black tea so it tastes like flowers do you have oh i think i have a good idea for uh for a gift for you for my tea shop days if you like do you like jasmine rose rose? Of course.

Okay, yeah. Jasmine rooibos pearl? The jasmine pearls where they unfurl? They're cunty. They're beautiful. They're very cunty. They're not super flavorful,

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Plus resources for artists and athletes. Learn more at rbc.com slash support youth. You know how I bought David Masterclass for Christmas? You really did? I bought him Masterclass. Do you want to wear a suit? I bought him a membership to Masterclass. Oh, so he can choose any? So he can watch them. All of them? I think so. Isn't that how you do it? You subscribe for like per month and you can watch

whatever you want? I hope so. Well, I want to get that little number because I want to watch the David Lynch one. Well, I think it's for one person. Well, I know. Okay. Oh, you want to steal it from him? No, I'll come to his house. Okay. Well, he can make coffee. Well, his house is my house. So I'm going to know about it. Even better. Yeah. But he's been, so now when we talk about home stuff, should we get this? He'll be like, well, on the masterclass, they talked about the importance of sight lines in a room. And I was like, you're actually watching it.

I love it. I love it. I'm going to start adding classes. He's my Megan. I'm going to start choosing which skills he has. I'm going to pump being a good boyfriend to the top. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, I'm waking up at 6 a.m. to eat the pussy out.

Cooking for a loved one who's a cross-dresser. Yeah, yeah. Do you like to get your pussy eaten out in the morning? Morning sex? That's too personal. Morning sex. If we're being honest, David always, when we specially started dating, always wanted to have sex in the morning. And I would go along with it because I'm complicit.

Yeah. Sexually, if you start it, I'll probably do it. I don't even have to like you. I'll go along with it because I don't have the courage to stop it. So I'll probably do it. I don't even have to like you. I'll go along with it. Because I don't have the courage to stop it. What a wonderful compliment. So I could just do that. You're a diehard romantic.

But David wakes up every morning with a giant boner. Yeah. And I know about it because I'm being poked by him about 12 different ways. Little poke coming through. Yeah. Not a little poke. Yeah. A giant hammer.

Yeah. Yeah. But then when I wake him up and say, good morning, he said, shut up. So now what? Mom, that's a relationship that's going to last. That's true. But then when I wake him up and say, good morning, he said, shut up. So now what? Mom, that's a relationship that's going to last. That's true. It's got staying power. I, in the morning, for me to wake up and feel like having sex, we have to have started dating

two weeks ago where I'm just horny all the time. I'm not doing that. You have to have had to wander in my bed 10 minutes before I wake up. Henry Cavill. Yeah. Because it's just. And wake me up with a little bell. With brioche pancakes.

A bell attached to your erect penis. He is so unbelievably hot. So I watched a movie with Henry Cavill, Army Hammer. E.T.? Oh, was it wrong? No, it was Under the Tuscan Sun. The man from Uncle Uncle Buck

Uncle Buck John Candy It all comes back To John Candy I wish Elizabeth Debicki The villain Six foot four years

Six foot four years old I was gonna say Six Six two This giant Statuesque diva But these two men Fighting each other

I couldn't help but wonder what if they whipped out their dongs what movie was this it's called the man from uncle it's an action movie why are they fighting uh because one's a russian spy and the other is uh whatever whatever okay americans russians they have to work together though oh wow yeah um but so army hammer's doing a um goofy russian accent hen Henry Cavill's being impossibly sexy. They're both two sides of a very sexy coin that I would love shoved up my tight little cunt. I'm not in a horny phase right now,

but lately men have been stopping me in my tracks. Do you know what a certain Donald Glover looks like? From Lethal Weapon? No. He's an actor, right? Yeah, Donald Glover? Are you thinking of Danny Glover? Danny Glover.

I'm talking about Donald Glover. They are related, right? Donald Glover. Yeah. Wasn't he in Star War? Wasn't he in Star War? Wasn't he the musical act as well? No.

Oh, isn't he a musical person? Childish Gambino. This is America. He's like outrageously talented. I have had a crush on him since that This Is America video. And then when he started acting, I was like,

is this a fucking joke? Yeah. He is so hot. And he's got kind of buck teeth, like two big teeth, which are just very hot on him. He is so... If I met him in person,

I think i would have i think i would melt you'd be like is there a turd factory that you own because i would like to gobble them all up he is so he's hot henry cavill when i watched um what is it hombre de acela the man of steel i was like it's how is i'm also human i'm also male and so is he i watched that witcher mess where he has that horrible vanity, um, illegally blonde, um,

wet wig on the whole time. And even with that unit on, Oh mama shit in the mouth. Shit. My parents mouth black diarrhea all in my face. You don't even have to touch my wee wee. He is so hot. How do people look like that?

He just, and also like, he's also really nice and everything he plays superman so because he is superman yeah you know what i mean he's also a good actor he's a really good actor he was so good in superman i don't even get a shit about superman it's a little too white bread for me but it was so good yeah um i like my heroes more conflicted mama throw it in the bin you don't like wonder woman wonder woman throw it in the bin. You don't like Wonder Woman? Wonder Woman, throw her in the bin.

That movie is rotina Wesley. You don't like it? Oh, I didn't like the second one at all. Oh, the second one was a farce. I'm just, Gal Gadot, she can't act for shit. That woman couldn't act if she knew, if she was like, if she was. I like Gal Gadot. You do?

She is one of the worst actors of our generation. She's a great Wonder Woman. She's a pretty lady. And her name is Gal. So I guess that qualifies her to be woman. Wonder Gal. But Wonder is not, her acting is not wonderful. Kal-El, no. Like, it's so bad.

Maybe you're right. It's so bad. Not to be gay but I mean Robin Wright Penn As the fierce Whatever Slay Tina I like women

Superhero shit Of course So maybe she's not good And I'm just gay And I like it Yes you give her The benefit of the doubt She is so bad

That she can't get it from me Like you know It's like Halle Berry As Storm Do you know what happens To a frog When it gets electrocuted Did you like that

The same thing that happens To everything else Did you like that Well that's a gets electrocuted? Did you like that? The same thing that happens to everything else. Did you like that? Well, that's a writing issue. Yes, totally. Totally. Did you like the Batman?

Which, which the most recent one? The Batman. The Batman. I, I, I did. Because let me tell you who turned in that movie. Who? Paul Dano? Robert Pattinson? It wasn't Robert Pattinson and it wasn't Zoe Kravitz, although they were fine.

It was Colin Farrell? No. Colin Farrell? It. Colin Farrell? Calista Flock? He was the gross, ugly, fat mayor. Oh, no. The guy who plays the Riddler from Little Miss Sunshine. Paul Dano?

Yes. Yeah, he was in There Will Be Blood, bitch. He was amazing in The Batman. No, he's incredible in everything. He plays like a 4chan Reddit incel version of the Riddler. It was so cunty. Have you seen There Will Be Blood? No.

I took all my sheets? No, there will be. My panties? There will be. Panty liners? You got to see There Will Be Blood. It's one of the best movies ever made. What's it about?

Oil, black tar, Texas tea, oil prospecting. And Paul Dano plays twins, twin brothers, two characters. One's a preacher. And then it is- Sugar and Spice. Mama. Yes, Sugar and Spice, TikTok, everything. It is Daniel Dave Lewis is taking the party and turning it all the way up to 11.

Wait, isn't it a Quentin Tarantino movie? No, it's a Paul Thomas Anderson, I believe. Yeah. I gotta watch it. It's perfect. Paul Daniel, he eats. Mama, he eats, he chews and leaves no crumbs. And Daniel Dave takes the whole buffet up his ass. Yeah. Takes the whole

buffet, craft services up his ass. It's like almost insane how good he is in it. If I watch that, will you finally watch the visit? Absolutely. I will. The grandparents.

Absolutely. I was looking for it cause I thought it was mama. No, mama. Did you like mama? We have mama. I didn't, I watched the trailer with Jessica.

Mama. And, um, mama Mia. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of options. Mama.

What? You know what? Megan honestly gave me Ma in a great way. She gave me little sis Ma. It could have been. I hope that they do. Don't make me drink alone. Yeah. I just, it was fun to see with people.

If I had saw it alone at home, I probably would have been like, it was fun to see with people If I had saw it alone at home I probably would have been like Meh It was fun to see with people Because those song interludes were hysterical Great touches Crazy So funny

But there was I needed more gore mama More blood and guts I know I thought that thing was a shotgun Not a water gun But you got me borderline scared to watch The Terrifier Mama

The Terrifier is disgusting. I'm nervous about that. I want to watch one. Because I don't like Crimes of the Future. Can I watch one scene with you today? But are you going to watch me while I watch it? Yes, it's only five minutes long, but I don't think you'll be able to finish it. Because I don't know if I will.

But you love it. I don't love it. It was a very unforgettable experience. Unforgettable movie going experience. The movie is half to it. It should have been cut in half edited. It was not, it was badly edited.

It's horribly unforgettable. Unforgivable. Unforgettable. Isn't that the Beyonce movie? Nope. Obsessed is being obsessed. Yeah. Do you remember when she kicks,

um, that blonde girl in the face And says get off me You crazy white bitch Is that Ellie Larder Yes So cunty Yeah

You crazy white bitch But have you seen the movie with What's her name From From Grey's Anatomy Smoker Catherine Heigl Catherine Heigl

Have you seen the movie With her and Rosario Dawson Rosario Dawson's like The stepmom And Catherine Heigl's like The uptight ex-wife. No. Bitch.

Is it fierce? Is it like horror? Funny. Pinned straight 6'13 blonde hair in the mirror combing it like a psychopath. Are you going to watch The Last of Us? Is it a series? Yes.

Is it only one season? It's new. We don't know. Okay, then I will. Okay. I shall be tuning in. I played the game a bunch of times and it's... Is it Fier season? It's new. We don't know. Okay, then I will. Okay. I shall be tuning in. I played the game a bunch of times and it's... Is it Fierce Tina?

Yes. And you know, I'm not a hater. So, but some people when they like, I read the Stephen King book, so I can't watch the movie. But by the two different things. I can watch the show. It's two different things. And not expect it to be the game.

Because it's a movie, not a game and not a book. Three different things. do you think i don't expect my shoes to be hats this is one of those games where the acting and the animation pushed the limits of like storytelling and and i mean it made grown men cry this game what is up with game silent hill in that pyramid head why do i keep seeing him fucking people online what are you talking about i see porno versions of Pyramid Head from Silent Hill. Pyramid Head is daddy. That's why.

Okay, so he's daddy. He's daddy. He's fucking. He's got a great physique and he's like silent and kind of. He's like Jason except with a triangle. Yeah, and like very violent and sort of unrelenting. And there's something very hot about that. Right.

Okay. I would let Pyramid fucking. Even with that large He had to drop the sword first Perforated colon Yeah but he's got this In these little videos I've been perusing Every once in a while of course

For research purposes He's got the dick of death Yeah Good for him Yeah Silent Hill I don't have like a big dick obsession But Pyramid Head you know he's got a big demon dick

Yeah I mean He's not like I'm gonna fucking bring you pain Wait That's not happening Let me just get hard first Oh yeah

What do you think about really big heavy jewelry on a dick? Okay so Not piercings Pearls You know a wrist relax Yeah like sapphires Yeah Paradigm But what do you think about like when people whip out their dick And it's that big metal loop off the end things. Pearls. A wrist relax. Sapphires.

But what do you think about when people whip out their dick and it's that big metal loop off the end? For me, personally, it's definitely not a turn-on. It verges on turn-offs. Cock rings from here are actually quite a turn-off. In what way? The accessory. Just like the presence of it? Yeah, the presence of it.

I find them to be not like... Have you ever Yeah. The presence of it. I find them to be not like. Have you ever worn one? Yeah. Yeah. I find them incredibly uncomfortable. And I think I tear out about half my pubes. It's horrible. It's horrible.

They don't even work. Like they just stay hard. You know, if you can. I want my dick to be hard, but I don't want it scary hard and slightly in pain. Yeah. I don't want these things. So I in pain yeah i don't want these yeah so i'm not into cbt cock and ball torture you know but then people who like the the the cock rings they're like well maybe you have the wrong size i'm like or maybe you like your dick to hurt and

that's fine but i don't i don't i don't i i don't like the way i i really don't like the way they look and i also don't like um like accoutrement sexy accoutrement in the bedroom like leather harnesses or straps or things like that. I know there was a corny and played out, but I really don't like the cock rings that are like a leather strap with a snap. Why? It's just like a snap in the skin. It just makes me feel like it. Mary, the rubber ones you have to like stretch to get off.

That's worse. Do, do, do, do, do, and then it's there. But then you have to pull it off and you take off about 75 pubes but not if they've all fallen out due to my autoimmune disorder yours are so gray yeah it's like thick it's do you have a gray pube no no how would you know though um you're blonde i'm blind too no i'm i'm like dishwater i I have like brown. Ew. I don't want to talk about my pubic hair. Great pubes. Pubes is such a disgusting word. Pubes.

You like pubes, bitch. What color are your pubes, bitch? Show me those pubes, bitch. I hate that word. Why don't we go down to like the Abbey and go to one of the go-go dancers and be like, show me those pubes. Yeah. Can we get a glimpse of those pubes, baby, big, bushy pubes? My friend, our friend, Daniel, was visiting.

And he was like, the grinder, the et cetera here. He's like, the full fisting and the drug use. I said, this is Los Angeles. It's the trifecta. It's fisting, drug use, and then shitting. Yeah. Because you look at it, it's like, oh, wow, is this a modeling catalog online here? And you're like

huh why is that 10 talking to me oh because they want me to go lay a turd in their mouth right on Fairfax yeah

in Santa Monica yeah you know well well this thank you so thank you all so much and happy

insurrection day January 6 January 6 it will live in our hearts and minds for quite a while that was really shocking to watch last year marjorie taylor green i don't like her she is a literal lunatic i don't get into her no she's not i don't even find her ironically entertaining but

you know a lot of times with people across the aisle i try to go well everyone's telling their own story everybody's trying their best. This ain't no aisle. It's really hard. This ain't no aisle. This is a person who's talking about Jewish lasers. You know what I mean? This is a person who is not connected with any kind of consensus reality fit to govern a population.

But just yesterday, I went up on the roof and helped David polish his laser. And we had great weather today. Just yesterday, I went up on the roof and helped David polish his laser. Wait, and then we had great weather today. I know. Should we start calling David and asking for him to adjust the weather? David, enough already. I mean, silver.

I know you know a gold stain. Come on. Just get a sunny day. I don't. I just. People out there believe that Jews control the weather. People are insane. Yes.

People are insane. And then they become officials in office. That's what I don't understand. Just sit. Just sit. No, no, no. What happens when crazy people used to push a shopping cart? No, no, no. Go get a job.

Own a business. Own a crazy rifle business or something. But do not become a public servant, you fucking freak. You really don't have to. Public service. They're not doing none of that. It's crazy. I want to do public service.

My public service, I mean I want to help The people I want Yeah I want to I want to spout Crazy conspiracy theories Live large And

Just drum up Paranoia and hysteria In my constituency Politicians should be paid nothing Mama They should get Minimum wage Thank you

Say it again Maybe not minimum wage But like No Livable Minimum wage Because then we would have A livable wage The minimum wage Would be like livable minimum wage, because then we would have a livable wage.

The minimum wage would be $400 an hour. Well, that's what I mean. It has to be dynamic minimum wage. Yeah. It has to be like, you know, they're servants.

They serve the public and yet they don't pay their taxes. And people should, they're fucking hookers. People should not be allowed to take money. Like from lobbyists and shit and corporations. Yeah. We have an oligarchy, a capitalist oligarchy here.

Big pharma. No, it sucks shit. It's not fair. Yeah. Freaky, bleaky, bleaky,

bleaky, Denmark. Bye. Bye.