The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Hell Hath No Fury Like a Cockroach Scorned with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: September 6, 2022

This sexy little minx was like nothing I'd ever seen before. Her legs, of which there were six, went on for days. The jelly in her prothorax, mesothorax, and metathorax jiggled like a jar of freshly opened blackberry jam. There were so many segments in her abdomen that I couldn't decide which one to focus on as I salivated at the sight. I was lost in the ocean of her compound eyes, sitting just below her antennae that were themselves doing an age-old dance of seduction as she waddled across my floor. This little mama had the quick moves and the wings of an angel and she knew it. To check out Lovehoney, go to: http://lovehoney.co/Bald Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To pre-order your copy of our new book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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I love everyone. They moved me rooms because this was the room with the good Wi-Fi. And I think I'm watching porn like one pixel at a time. It's okay. You have to recruit your imagination when you're in these ye olde English cottage hotels. What's it called? The Gore? Well, I think, yeah, I think by the time this comes out on the console, I feel comfortable saying this is The Gore.

The Gore. Which I think was built in the 18th century, so the 1700s. Yeah. So, I don't know if you can tell, it's one of those places that has really high ceilings. It looks really spooky, especially at night. Yeah. It's definitely an old hotel an old maiden type of hotel but

you know I'll say this now that I own a motel and it's public information and everyone knows it when I stay places the service is better than it used to be wait wait wait wait wait wait what so wait the service is magically better yeah so like when i stay somewhere i'll always walk into like flowers with a card that says like

we love you that says like we love your motel hope you love us like that kind of thing they step their pussy up hospitality wise for you yes because'm in this industry. I'm one of the girls. Yes. As if you needed any more massaging or frills or, you know, the more money you make and the more successful you become, they should treat you more like shit. Because I'm like karma. Yeah, I agree. You know what I mean? Like rather than a mint on your pillow like a knife in your bed when when my last guitar player when he was playing for me we were at a mean greed or something

and he i got a ten dollar taco bowl gift card as a fan gift and he goes and the rich get richer it's i mean it's always like bottled my mind why i know there's probably a reason like a quid pro quo thing but like why did the why are the rich the ultra wealthy always the one who get freebies bonuses the discounts like girl why why don't even don't even get me gouge them in a world where gouge them we live in a world where the people who have been fortunate enough to pay off their loans are complaining that people are getting loan forgiveness oh my god oh my god that that petty that brigade in the brain that i had to pay my loans so you have to to brigade they are so out and vocal it is it i'm truly like it's like well i was attacked in an alley

when i was 16 so i think you should be too that's the thing why i paid all my we talked we talked those four i paid all my loans off at once and when this news happened it did not even cross my mind to think oh i guess i should have saved 10 000 of them for this like yeah i should have been cross my mind i should have made the minimum payment so that all that interest could have accrued over these 10 years so that i could you know um be and i was like what also it's only what 10 grand go get give me a break it's 10 grand which eat my ass you know it's it's a lot i mean ten dollars a lot of money but like it's not even like it's all of it and also i don't know i the system is so broken we need to figure out some way for people to go to school where they don't have to borrow money.

Because on one hand, it's weird to ask 18-year-olds to sign their life away to owe sometimes hundreds of thousands of dollars. For an undergraduate degree. Yeah. On the other hand, I can understand how a loan company is like, why am I the devil that you won't pay my money back that i loaned you right either side is both sides is wrong there needs to be some version of this where people can get the education they need and not be like horribly in debt and we should not allow these we also shouldn't allow these these companies these lending companies they are just doing the job they said they would do which which is to borrow you money.

So there needs to be some kind of version of this where you can get a loan to maybe help out with your student experience and it's not predatory. And a loan company can lend you money in a way where they make maybe some modest profit, but it's not insane. Well, see, that's the problem. I think that whole modest profit wouldn't exactly fly at a board meeting in any corporation. You know, somebody was like, wait, wait, listen, guys, what if we just made a modest profit this quarter? They'd be like, you're fired. No, I didn't. Education shouldn't be a business.

Well, I mean, that's why like republican uh you know leaders always do well with big businesses because yeah it's never like a democratic person taking like i don't know even if you are like completely socialist and you're against corrupt government that's being paid off by big companies if you enter a room where every single one of your opponents is funded out the ass by big businesses you're like whether or not i agree with this the system is so broken my only way to get my message out is to participate in this type of behavior and it's like yeah i don't know it's like if you're if you're somebody with super liberal super progressive things you want to talk about but you need need money to run or to have your voice. It's like, how can you play with

these Republicans who are taking all... It's so crazy. It's so crazy. And someone was saying, and I always think about like, oh my God, even to get in the room, any of those rooms, Senate, House of Representatives, President, you need like billions to be the President.

It just takes money. You have to buy it. You have to buy your office. Well, to be the president. It just takes money. You have to buy it. You have to buy your office. Well, that's the issue. It's so crazy. Even if your platform is, we need to stop representatives from accepting bribes. Corruption. We need to stop corruption.

You need to accept money to deliver that message. You have to. And so whether or not you agree with it, you have to accept money to deliver that message you have to and so like whether or not you agree with it you have to play the game and because the only way to fix the system is from within the system right it's like so circular it's like you have to do evil to do good it's really weird and then i think by the time it takes you to get into the room you've already become evil i know well anyways let's let's let's pivot away from evil politics because I want to talk to you about something much more evil. Although, you know, you and I did have that one episode in Australia where we used our big panties and our big brain panties. And we talked about the evils of the world.

And even though we don't do that, I was humbled by the very positive response to that. Because I don't want to ever talk about dark shit. But once in a while, it's okay to nod the fact that the building's on fire, but then we need to go back to our own lane. Well, we need to keep it to local dark shit, which is mine and your shit. Well, let's talk about, listen, speaking of let's celebrate that you are reporting live from your first home you own yes i am in oh my god wait so it yes i i speaking of one percenters and evil doing um i am reporting live from my my new house you're not the nra i'm no but they live right next door and um uh they're in a very ghostly weird um turn of events your old uh framed photo that i have of you i would pan over but i have this thing set up on a kleenex box i don't want to disrupt the frame um fell off the wall and shattered on your birthday what i swear to god

i swear to god so i overslept like i slept slept 12 hours because I got a new bed and it's so comfortable. And I wake up to your portrait off the wall or a little bit later and it shattered. The frame broke. And so there's this old picture of you and it's very, I got to get it reframed, I guess. Anyways. Yeah. I love my new house. Girl, I'm so happy for you.

You know, you work really, really hard and honest. Well i'm so happy for you you know um you work really really hard and honest well you work hard for you i i had to catch myself when i said that everybody said that i'm like actually actually ellen that's not true can i say that for a cross dresser you've clocked a lot of years in the industry yeah any industry any and if you were in one industry for 15 years which is about how long you've been in it you should be able to do things like invest in a home i mean and i saved a lot of money honestly like i saved a lot of money a lot of money and you saved a lot of money. Honestly, like, you saved a lot of money. And you saved a lot of money. And you did a lot of things that I know firsthand you did not feel like doing. Most things. Such as showing up.

Going to work. Yeah, going to work. Staying at work. Continuing the next day to do that. You're self-employed, though, and honestly, none of this is guaranteed. No work is guaranteed. You're allowed to like, now you have a nest egg and now someday if everybody doesn't want to see you and no one cares, you have something to sell.

Yeah. And thank you for framing it in such a, such a polite, wonderful way. But there is, I have a tenant. I am, I've become what I have always, you know, feared and reviled is a property owner, a landlord. I have a tenant, a cockroach, a cockroach in my closet. So wait a minute. How did you find out about it? Okay. How did I?

Well, there's a newsletter in my kitchen every morning. And I was reorganizing my underwear on my unmentionables drawer. And I was like, oh, that's a fun wooden lacquer button someone left in there and then the button started to move and i said oh that's a cockroach so i need to like for real i need to flip the script right now on this bug story okay and we i need to flip the script on the bug story i live in the jungle jungle, Mary. You should see my backyard. It's a jungle. It's a jungle out there. Literally. I have a pest person.

And you should, any branches that touch the home, you should be spraying for termites. And then you can honestly, like when we go back on tour, you should bomb the place while you're gone. Well, I'm going to bomb it tonight because I think I just got to get rid of it. I was trying to maybe just set fire to the bedroom, but I think the whole place has got to go. Girl, let me clarify. When I lived in the Midwest, when I would see a roach, I worked at a restaurant, I would see a roach

once in a while. They were maybe the size of a larger tic-tac, a jelly bean. Oh. A jelly bean. The roaches in Los Angeles are literally that size. This is a baby. Mama, this is the baby.

Girl. This is the top. In my house, you know my bedroom in my condo, you know, the carpet's white. I remember one night I was up reading a book and I just saw basically a brown bar of soap. Yeah. And I was like, what? And they get so big and they're like, they waddle. They waddle. Girl, the house shook.

I was like Jeff Goldblum, like my glass of water next to the bed was like. I had to get up and kill it with a cowboy boot. And I had to hit it really hard. But you got to, my suggestion is put the noise canceling headphones on if you have them available. Because that crunch. Mama, when you hit that crunch that crunch that is when you hit that crunch when you hit that crunch that crunch squelch it's like a like it's almost like you're you're putting you're literally like a chiropractor at that point you're a chiropractor you're making

an adjustment adjustments yeah it's an adjustment tiktok adjustment as ASMR. Also, when you kill it, you walk away. It's the legs. It's the... Oh! Okay, wait. So I'm flipping the story right now on the bug thing. First of all, spiders everywhere. I got to get used to it.

Okay, it's fine. Spiders are fine. Spiders are fine. But I'm going to say cockroaches are fine because that motherfucker is probably crawling all over me last night, getting up into my pussy hole girl can i say that there are two types of insects that are very scary that we need to tolerate one is spiders i know it's not an insect it's a magnet and bees okay no bees ain't shit bees ain't shit are important. But I'm saying those are creepy. But they're fine.

Cockroach? For what? Centipede. Centipede. Girl. Pee'd. Ooh. Absolutely not. Silverfish.

I saw TikTok of like a glass jar, a glass bowl over a silverfish, and it was just crawling in a silver bowl. And I said, you need. I know Oprah says you're not supposed to go to a second location, but you need to go to a second location. You need to get out of the house so how about this how about this

can I ask would you rather have roaches or a ghost oh a ghost Mary I'm so lonely but like an annoying ghost but you know how

some performers have like talent what if you took that roach and you like trained it to do. Roach mom. I don't know. To shake or. Roach mom.

I could be like in the wings. You know how we practice. Oh my God. Yes. Stage mom. Like. Yeah. Yeah.

Totally. I left the door open. So this back door to the jungle jungle I didn't lock it one day it came home after a full day of errands wide open lizard in the house lizard

lizard in the house there's a lizard lizard is it's very pale I'm gonna call her Elizabeth cause Liz you know lizard

and um she's real cute and I saw her and I was like very pale I'm gonna call her Elizabeth Cause Liz You know Lizard And um She's real cute And I saw her And I was like And then I'm like Is there a coyote in here Mary anything could've been here Six seven hours

That door was open Girl Six seven hours Close that door The door's closed Close that door It's locked shut You gotta close the door

To the spiritual realm Yeah So much is happening I can't even tell you Well You have to close the door or you have to get a screen um but honestly lizards are fine we had a lizard at the motel and it was totally fine well they're everywhere in southern california they're always low bippity bopping around super fast really fine cute This episode is brought to you by CIBC.

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total of three available offers, each in accordance with the respective terms and conditions. Limited time offer ends October 31st, 2024. Conditions apply. Visit rbc.com slash student offers. Well, I gotta tell you this. Speaking of break-ins, today at my house, my new house, the one I haven't moved into yet, I had the alarm set. I have something like I had the alarm set. I have something like truly 40 or 50 window sensors, door sensors, glass shatter sensors, all of that set all over the house. The museum. And today I got a message that one of the windows was opened and broken into.

And AGT called me and said, hi, what's your password, whatever. Is everything okay? I said, I don't know. I'm in London. Why don't you go check? Eight hours hours later now no one's called me back you know there was i mean there's nothing to there's nothing to steal but like i don't live there yeah but they could be vibing they could be in there vibing and honey they need to pay you a dollar like go talk to the ghost yeah uh that's the ghost if it's uh if it's like a low grumble that that's Cheryl. If it's like a wispy kind of whoosh, that's Gerard.

I am 33. I did what God intended, which is to be on a work trip on my birthday. Yeah. Away from my friends, family, and everyone. I woke up, I got a cool lime refresher. Oh, get this. In the States, they're called refreshers. In the UK, they're called refresha with an A. Which are like refresher vibes. Refresha. Oh.

Yeah. They still sell those? Got one of those delivered. Yeah, delicious. I put on my running clothes. I played my guitar while I let my little coffee kick in. Went and run three miles. Got back to my room.

And in my room, the hotel had ordered me a pink cake with a card for my birthday and they delivered it it was so cute and so good that's you gotta remember the lowest level pastry in the uk is god tier pastry in america right it's just everything else that's so horrible yeah but they block in wi-fi air conditioning you know but the the kink was but those ones like weighed seven pounds i think it was straight butter it was so good it was so good so then i ate that went for my little run played my guitar for a little bit i went shopping i went to the and bought an outfit and then i went to harrods and I bought these little white low I almost said lowercase low top little Prada sneakers I've wanted for a while okay for my birthday and then I went to oh oh

bitch you know Michelle Collins the comedian yes love her icon she invited me and Leland from the production of what I'm working on yeah she invited us to come to dinner with her at the Ritz. And I said, oh my God, I would love to. I wore a jacket with a button up shirt, brand new sneakers, brand new black jeans. I'd never been washed black. And I walked up like, yeah, I'm like probably overdressed, but it's my birthday. I walk up. I'd never been to the Ritz.

A man in a true toy soldier outfit comes up and goes, you can't be in here in that outfit. And I said, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you serious? He said those words. I'm dead serious. I am dead serious. I said, I said, I said, my friend is, I said, and then I said, oh, my friend is staying here. I'm meeting, I'm meeting for dinner. And he goes, yeah, if you're going to wear the jacket's fine, but you need to be wearing a tie and you need to be wearing dress shoes. And I said, are you sure? I said, these aren't dress shoes, but they're $900 sneakers.

I bought them today. They're brand new. And he goes, I can borrow you some shoes. He said, I can borrow you some shoes. I said, and this is crazy i looked i looked and there's something about straight men like telling me something that makes me want to cry right away i think it's like my trauma and he goes did you we can also borrow you a tie and my eyes started to well and he looked at me like alarmed and i said i have to go. I'm really embarrassed. And I walked out.

Oh my God! I was so embarrassed. I walked out. I hailed a cab. I got in the car. And I said, take me back to Intel. And I'm texting Michelle going, I got kicked out. I got asked to leave.

And so then I text Leland. And I go, I don't know what you're wearing, but I got asked to leave. And then he goes, oh my God, I'm not dressed correctly either. So then I meet up with him. We go somewhere else. Yes. I was so embarrassed. And I don't know why.

I guess I thought like because it's my birthday and I thought it was overdressed. You have to imagine. I thought I'd have to be bashful about being overdressed. And instead, somebody from a colonial reenactment of the titanic was like get the fuck out of here you it was so fucking unwashed poor piece of shit oh my god i've never been to the ritz i didn't know and i was so embarrassed i was so there were so many things that i should have been yeah there's so many things i love about this number one i like the rich person shaming is amazing also like i i i i feel like if i were in that position at this point in my life i would have been like oh okay yes i would love to borrow some shoes and a tie um but could you just do me a favor and hold this huge steaming

pile of turd that i just came out of my bum because I don't think I'm going to be able to bring this in or can I? Ooh. No, it was so embarrassing. It was like, I don't know what's so embarrassing about someone offering to borrow you clothes. Yeah, because you're a miserable wretch and you're trying to get into the rent. It's not that borrowing clothes

is embarrassing. No. It's that I showed up almost like, wow, I'm going to embarrass myself by going a little too hard but it's my birthday and so like i'm just gonna do it yeah and then he was like yeah like it was like yeah and it's one thing like i i i don't do dress codes clearly and like the one thing i will um i will do no bowling, you know, bowling shoes. I will like, I will follow that dress code very, very rigidly. You know what I mean? Uh-huh.

But that's it. That's the sport. Right. I mean, you're not going to wear sneakers in the bowling alley. You're going to change in the shoes. So then tomorrow I'm going to a little dinner with Michelle and she goes, oh, meet me here at this time. And I said, what's the dress situation? And she goes, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

And I go, what was she wearing? A fucking belt, like an Oscar de la Renta ball gown? Oh, no. Okay. Sorry. It was Michelle Collins I was meeting up with at the ring. Today, I talked to Michelle Visage because I'm meeting her tomorrow.

And I said, what's the dress code? And she, oh, by the way, Michelle Collins is wearing a dress. I think she said from Zara. It was like, well, women really, I think we've tortured women long enough and still do with dress stuff. Let her go naked. Yeah. But also I talked to Graham Norton about it and he said, well,

one time I was there and the Dalai Lama was there and since the Dalai Lama, even though he was male, won't wear like a jacket and stuff, there was no dress code that day. So you have to be the fucking Dalai Lama. You have to be an enlightened Buddhist patriarch to get to the race without a tie. Girl, I look like Dolly Parton and I smell like a llama. Can I get something?

Mary! a llama can i get something mary but i love these moments where it doesn't matter i love these moments where it doesn't matter if you have stumbled into some success so once in a while your white trash poor breeding comes out because you don't understand social norms so yeah so tomorrow i'm meeting michelle for a dinner and i go oh is there a dress code? And she goes, no, just, you know, dress smart, kind of stylish. And I said, no, no, no, no, no, no. I just got asked to leave the Ritz.

So I need more information. Yeah. Just smart and kind of stylish. Way too broad when you're dealing with crooked tooth, like colonial fucking. No kidding. It's the UK. I'm like, I have veneers. I should own this fucking place.

My skin isn't like orange on purpose yeah i know although on although on this thing i'm working on the self-tanning has been i'm actually pretty washed out today but this the self-tanning is she's burnished off you're burning a girl i'm going off it's the the self tan covered with cosmetic rub in tan covered with body bronzer and i am a gremlin awesome i look like i own a toe ring shop in boca raton it's really shocking but um you're not at liberty to divulge any information about this current project i'm assuming right i just i'm always afraid of getting in trouble yeah okay i will say this if you think i'm filming what i would be filming here i'm filming that yeah and i already said that i've been with graham norton and michelle so like what else are we doing yeah we're doing celebrity matinee at the back. Biggest loser. Yes.

But I'm also reading, because I'm in the UK, I'm reading this book called The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Oh, yeah. By Alan Moore, because it's a graphic novel. I read graphic novels now. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Watchmen. It's very British.

Mary, Mary, Mary. I didn't just read Watchmen. You bought the t-shirt too. I went and read Doomsday Clock, the DC crossover of Watchmen. Oh, I didn't just read Watchmen. You bought the t-shirt too. Doomsday Clock, the DC crossover of Watchmen. Oh, I don't know that one. Okay, in this one, the world is about to end again. And so Ozymandias is like, well, Dr. Manhattan's been missing for 20 years. But I think I know where he is.

They cross universes over to the DC universe where they find that Dr. Manhattan has been fucking over. He's been hanging out over with Superman, Batman. And it's sickening. And then I read before Watchmen, which is a prequel to watch women. Girl,

where the watch. I read all the Watchmen now, but girl Watchmen worked me out. Yeah. I think I'm gonna read it again. Do it. Watch the series again. It's so lit.

Regina. Now, now that I've read everything, I think I would watch it again and I would actually collect more of what was going on. You know what you need to watch?

So the same, the same producer and director who did Watchmen, Mary, he did a show called Chernobyl and you need to watch that shit yesterday.

That sounds sad. Oh, are you kidding me? Mama, it's beyond sad. It's grisly. It's gruesome. It's horrifying. It's a true, like, for a drag queen having success, it's a great antidote to your lifestyle. It's like, it is, it's so, so well done.

It's so well done. It is so well done. Literally. What's it called? Chernobyl. It's so well done. It is so well done. Literally. What's it called? Chernobyl. And it's on... I thought it was pronounced Chernobyl. I said, hey.

Why is all that flesh melting off those guys' bones? You know, I said I'm a lot of of things but i never fucking said i was noble you know i know share doesn't listen that's what she was took out the airpods that's what share would sound like if she had been in chernobyl girl oh that is the way to put it um there's another i've been doing a lot of research about graphic novels. There's another one I want to read called Black Hole. Do you know about this one?

I think I do. It's a graphic novel because I told you I read Watchmen and I told David Silver. I was like, I loved this book. And he goes, yeah, it's considered the best graphic novel of all time. And I was like, okay, thank you. Fun fact, I think Time Magazine did a list of 100 of the most influential novels, and Washroom was the only graphic novel in there. But Black Hole, I think is, from what I've read,

it's a graphic novel about an STI that breaks out at a high school that makes you mutate and grow limbs and stuff. And so it's about teenage sex, STI that breaks out at a high school that makes you mutate and like grow limbs and stuff. And so it's about like teenage sex, STI stigma, where people like grow second eyeballs, third eyeballs and shit. Mom, but that sounds like Crimes of the Future. Well, bring on the body horror.

We only do body horror now. This is Crimes of the Future podcast. Hi. Hello, I'd like to report a crime from the future. Speaking of Crimes of the Future podcast. Hi. Hello, I'd like to report a crime from the future. Speaking of Crimes of the Future, audiobook reading. Oh, girl. Mama.

Mama. I was imagining, wait, wait, I was imagining, like, you know how you see like certain, you know, clips and music videos where like, let's say a hip hop artist is like, they're in the sound booth, you know, they got all their friends around them people are smoking plants they're having carrying on there's like big-titted women um in in the booth and then you know you're in there with your notebook and you're vibing and it's like it's like really like cozy

and glamorous and it seems like the place you want to be no that's not the vibe that's not the vibe. That's not the vibe. That's not what happened. An audio book. No. You know, I think you're funny. I think I'm funny. Sitting alone in a room, reading your own writing to yourself. It's not, it's not a gas. No.

It's not fun. No. There were a few moments where I like, well, actually there were maybe a 10 or 12 moments where I'm like, I'm like, did I fucking write? I sure fucking did. Jesus Christ.

There was, there was a few moments where the joke was like, I was like, oh, that's funny. And then there's a few moments where I go, girl, you are rotted.

Your mind is rotted and you're going to hell. Yeah. But, but it was just a lot of like, this would be fun to listen to if you didn't write it. Like, yeah. And also it would be fun to like, fun to didn't write it like yeah and also it would be fun to

like fun to read it if someone else wrote it exactly i was like i think the quality is good but because i've it's too much inside baseball like this is really boring to read but yeah it was boring to listen to no no no but it was also like i mean i have to like i was like i was you know i think i did it all in one session and it was like um in a very rare professional moment i decided to power through and like and do more work than i was able to you know then i was required to thank you very much um and then i'm waiting for my certificate in the mail and uh but uh it was one it was i think you're certified we don't need to give you a certificate,

but there was that one engineer on the other side of the glass. And then there was a woman who was working remotely who was in my headphones in the way this woman had laser focused attention for the entire time, because she would pick up on these mouth clicks and these little gurgles. One time the guy heard my stomach growl and said, we should pause for lunch. It was like they would say oh they would say it's a little too many mouth noises can you read that again i said do i not know that i talk like this yeah oh that wet squelch was just me getting up from

the chair sorry and of course it's 9 a.m i'm on an empty stomach having black tea and my stomach is going yeah sounds like stadium down there yeah girl I'm like I wish I could get this kind of applause during my shows it was it was uh yeah it was it was a lot I but I applaud them because they had to pay attention I was like y'all are having to pay so much more so much more

attention than I feel you need to and that takes a lot of energy I think we all the three of us worked really hard that day yeah i mean you know reading the sections again too it's you know um this book is oh i mean both books are satire this one's definitely i think we went bigger and weirder and grosser and more absurd because the workplace itself is absurd yeah the workplace is full of like bizarre customs and bizarre things that are expected of you for no reason you know yeah um and so it's like if we're not writing something that is really inflated and insane and not grounded in it should be like grounded in

reality but that's it i mean yeah you and i exaggerate work life to to extreme levels because also because my my work life reality is also pretty extreme and um ungrounded let's say well and also you know you and i talk from the heart in the book about not from the heart from personal experience about retail restaurant work right delivery driving we talk about all of that. And we talk about like the pie in the sky entertainment. Right. You know.

And so, you know, it's, I think people will like it. I always think, who listens to audiobooks? Who listens to podcasts? But like, I constantly listen to podcasts and audiobooks. I know it's like,

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which, I have shifted to Terrestrial Radio in my long haul. Wait a minute. Mama, KNFW Terrestrial Radio for the flyover states long haul truckers. She's back, honey. She's back, honey. Terrestrial

fucking radio! Ah! Girl, I cannot tell you! She's talking, honey. She's back, honey. Terrestrial fucking radio. Girl. I cannot tell you. She's talking about the listeners and the viewers. Nympho Wars is back and it's actually more insane than it ever has been. Mama, it is. It's the only podcast. You need to pause this one and then delete it.

And then just go to KNFW for all of your terrestrial radio needs. And if you have ever thought that she and I are at all gutted, politically correct, we're a dusty dictionary, dusty old fucking tone. We are a Webster's thesaurus. And those whores have me...

I was in my drag room, like, I think I was doing a wig, and I was listening to them and I was in there alone scream, like, I think I was doing a wig, and I was listening to them, and I was in there alone, scream laughing. Yeah, screaming. I was doubled over at the sewing machine just with my mouth open, like, it's so funny. They are so funny. Girl, the Fire Island birthright trips for people in the flyover states. Yes.

Did you see the list of the moment the Ann Dowd comes on? Fucking Ann Dowd. It's Madonna. I mean, the guest Terry Gross. The guest. I mean, I'm just saying words right now, but it was so funny. By the way, I think

last week's podcast, I don't know if you listened. I don't think it's come out yet. We didn't do one. We didn't do one. We didn't do one. I couldn't get it together. One of the new ads, one of the spokeswomen is, it's Cher. What? Cher's not doing ads for us.

We should do more celebrities in our ads. Wait, are you joking? Oh, it's you as Cher. Well, it could be Cher. Hey, I can't even do your dad's Cher. The two voices are so similar. It's hard to tell. Can you do like a celebrity voice at all?

Absolutely not. I could probably do like a man. Like I could probably maybe do like an old man. Some kind of old man. We think you could maybe do an old man. Tiny Tim. Tip-toe through the tulips, through the window. Oh, you have to do an ad as Tiny Tim.

Yeah. Well, if you buy this... What? What? What? What? Oh, there was a cockroach. What?

Oh, there was a cockroach. Oh, there was a cockroach. No! Oh, it's looming! Oh, it's looming! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, T was a cockroach! Oh, there was a cockroach! Oh, it's looming! Oh my god! Oh Trixie! Trixie! Oh boy! Oh god.

Oh, it got me! She got me! What did it get you? Where is it? Oh, it's not enough! Okay, I'm gonna... I'm down. It's fine. Sorry. I'm sorry. Wait, wait, wait. Grab the camera. Grab the camera. Show it. I can't, I can't, I can't, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like,

I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, like it feels like an animal i'm gonna be a chiropractor i know come on baby come on come

into the light oh this is good that got me worked up oh god mom it flew on me oh you're right over there sorry they fly it flew on me cockroaches fly maybe it's something else all right should i jar it and then oh boy hold on fucking okay shit i think just throw it outside it's too big to squash they're like animals mama i but i'm also not going to touch it i'm going to put a glass on it oh there's no world when you touch it that's disgusting thank you okay here we go well honestly if anybody if anybody who's listening owns like a pest control place in LA, please reach out. I'm going to spray it. I have the spray. Sorry.

Hit them with the got to be. No, I have bug spray, but where is it? Fuck my ass. Oh, it's huge, bitch. It's huge. Mary, you don't need bug spray. You need bug spray and a lighter shut up where where it grab the torch um where the fuck is the sorry i don't like that

no i don't like it either and it's it was so big um girl it's people don't know i mean i don't want to say where you live you kind of live up in the hills it's wildlife up there no it's a jungle literally i mean i the it's a jungle all right the bowls i'm putting a bowl it's animals lisa vanderpump has two swans oh where'd it go one of her horses just died one of her baby ponies just died i lost it oh my, well, that's great. Shit. Oh no. I don't think we've ever had anything so shocking happen on the pod.

I know, this is really upsetting. Mary, I can't see it. Oh my God. Hold on. Well, if anybody's wondering about me, I'm having this lovely smooth chardonnay from Kiss of Wine. Stop it. It's a dry white. Stop. If anybody's wondering about me, I'm having this lovely smooth chardonnay from Kiss of Wine.

Stop it. It's a dry white. I'm trying to look for it. You realize I can't sit down again until I find it. Well, this is a real call to action. If anybody knows a pest person in LA, they could reach out. This could be a great situation. Yeah, I'm like, this this is stress I have the door open

maybe it could fly out the thing is I don't think they even bite no no no so I really wouldn't worry about it it's not like everything's brown in my apartment too I can't see it

there's shit everywhere alright I'm closing my door because of the noise fecal material I can't see it. There's shit everywhere. All right. I'm closing my door because of the noise. Speakable material. Oh, mom. You didn't see it. It fucking flew at me.

I didn't see it. I have two minutes. Oh, I got it. It's okay. It's on the chair. It's on the chair. Okay. Hold on.

Oh. I can't. Do you see it? See, it's on a brown chair. You can't even fucking see it. I can't. Do you see it? See, it's on a brown chair. You can't even fucking see it. Just grab it. Oh, I'm pointing the thing. You can't.

You're on the computer. You can't. I'm so sorry. And you're pointing the phone. Good for you. It's on the chair. Oh, fuck. Okay. Well, trap it.

I can't. It's on the arm of a chair. I can't trap it i can't it's on the arm of a chair i can't trap it in a bowl it's like it's do you know what i mean do you have a broom oh mama it's it's it's i oh it's huge the the antenna are so long it's basically a bird there's a basically a bird. There's a bird in my house. There's a bird in my house, bitch. Mama, that's a bird. She's so large. I gotta tell you this. Okay.

I gotta tell you this. I was at the park over here. And I think it's Kensington Park. And there's a colony of wild parrots in the park. Apparently, a film was, there was a film being made here, and some of the, like, actor parrots escaped and

colonized this park. So there's wild green parrots in the park here. Girl, good. Oh! Oh my god! It just, it flew. It's flying. This is a bird. Bitch, she's flying. She's flying. Now she's on the wall. I'm showing the people. I'm so sorry.

Go trap it. Go trap it. It's a bug. I gotta kill it. I gotta kill it. Fuck my- Kill it. Okay, okay, okay. Oh, I'm gonna hear it. Oh God. I need a bigger book. I need a large book. I need a fucking large book. Okay. Oh, I hate this. I hate it.

See, kids, when you buy a house, you've got to have it checked for carbon. Oh, my God. Okay. Oh. Oh, the huge mangled corpse is just fucking splashed all over the wall. Like, it's... That just gave me another chill. The thought of that.

Just the thought of it makes me sick. It's so disgusting gave me another chill the thought of that just the thought of it makes me sick it's so disgusting i'm so sorry but that was mary i hate that my blood pressure my blood pressure my blood pressure mary i don't need all this i do live for that Studio 71 shirt. I know. I just literally happen to have it on. Isn't that funny? Wait, I got to say one more thing.

Oh, go ahead. Oh, go ahead. No, you go ahead. So anyways, I was saying... Shut up. The most UK thing happened today. On top of the Wi-fi the air conditioning everything being crazy i am on set and i go can i use the laundry here i have my clothes i need to wash and they go

yeah give it to me and i go well i'm not gonna let you handle my laundry you lovely you know production assistant i'll go put it in and you just switch it when it's clean they switch it they run it in the dryer three times they gave gave it back to me. The clothing is sopping wet. I said, so, so if we have a dryer and it's not going to come out dry, what are we doing? What's going on? Let's unpack. Mama, in the UK, dry is actually a synonym for soaking wet, which would explain when you say, can it be cold in here?

I think they mean, girl. Do you want it real hot and wet? I talked to a lovely colleague of ours, a big wig from our world. And they said, how's the air conditioning over on the set? I said, horrible. You know why? Because RuPaul's not there.

I'm reporting. Well, well, well. Although one time, I told you about this, when I worked on the Hello, Hello video, it was 98. No. We don't talk about that. In the room.

I have, and you know, our lovely dancer, Tom Feeney, who dances on tour, goes, well, you know, for dancing, it's actually nice to have your joints kind of warm. If it's too cold, you can injure yourself. And I said, well, it looks like you're going embedded into my body. It's like, I was there and did it. Like I have such, like, I have taken on that trauma from you. I really have. You could do a sense memory exercise. It's my memory and I need to go to therapy too. It was like, I just, oh my God.

Oh Lord. It's my ultimate air conditioning one-up story because it was drag, hardcore dancing and 98 i remember taking photos of the of the thermostat 98 degrees 98 degrees yeah the way that it's such a wrap and all that you know that's my internal body temperature we don't know we need to close the door to the spiritual realm realm of heat yeah yeah yeah it's an hvac podcast guys i hope you all have realized that at this point um but wait this is who we are yes and this is what we want um let me ask let me tell you something i have Well, intercourse, but anally, right?

And receptive anal intercourse, in fact. Do they know? How do I tell if they know? Usually it was the roach who would tell me, but she's gone. I don't know. If you can bottom for someone without them without them knowing that's a mortuary i don't know how that happens but that's a mortuary it's among diving is it a lot of sex with the same person um it's not a lot yet but i'm hopeful i'm also realistic but okay you know what's a lot like once a week uh yeah i would say that maybe yeah that's a lot? Like once a week? Yeah, I would say that. Maybe.

Yeah. That's a lot. Yeah. But I get to go actually. I'm wearing a Rolex. I've taken a Sominex. And I'm hitting that Trimax, honey. But you know what you need? Mucinex?

Terminex, bitch. Terminex. This motherfucker's, her antennae are longer than my legs. this fucker this motherfuckers her antennae are longer than my legs girl I'm not putting up with that I don't think I want to either I'm not accepting this reality

I need to move on you need to move on I um we gotta go we gotta go oh we gotta go what time is it oh we gotta go thank'm excited because we gotta go oh we gotta go what time is it we gotta go because I actually have to go thank you for listening

yeah and happy birthday this international program happy birthday you know thank you very much 33 33

can you believe I remember saying as a young drag queen if I was doing Dragway 30 I was gonna kill myself and here we are yeah

don't worry honey we'll do that for you bye okay bye At 30, I was going to kill myself, and here we are. Yeah. Don't worry, honey. We'll do that for you. Bye. Okay, bye. Bye.