The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Hell Hath No Fury Like Teenage Twitter with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: September 7, 2021

From the lows of making an unfortunate calendar-based Twitter faux pas to the highs of a stupendous, scintillating, splendiferous Violet Chachki performance, today's episode is a shining beacon of light upon a hilltop surround by the dreck that is the contemporary podcast oeuvre. Put down that dollar-store frozen burrito, slap on some deodorant, and try to pretend that you're a civilized human being for forty-five minutes instead of a rancid sack of flesh and hair. Also, Happy Labor Day, you heathens. Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be helpful! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Eligibility and member terms apply. My favorite part of this pod is when we do things on our phone. Did you listen to the last episode where we took the quiz? Yes. Or when we, so many inside jokes that we don't even bother to finish the sentences, but we know what we're talking about, but don't feel like explaining. Do they? These people have watched every single thing we've made for like six years.

Or when we repeat four stories in a row and have no recollection of it. It's not just the story repeating. It's telling it like, I can't believe I've never told you this. Yeah. Or no, you set it up like, I've never told anybody this before. Well, we don't ever start like, hi. Let's do it. Okay.

Hi. 45 minutes. I could do that. I could keep that up for 45 minutes. I know you could. Yeah. Welcome to another episode of the podcast called The Bald and the Beautiful. Bald. Welcome to another episode of the podcast called The Bald and the Beautiful. Balds!

Bald as fuck and beautiful on the inside. How have we never done a restock of our Faggy Bald merch? Faggy Bald Hat merch. Faggy Bald Fuck Hat merch. Faggy Bald Fuck. Remember the Faggy Bald Fuck Hat? Yeah. Flashback Friday.

I think because it's the language is coarse and it's, I like doing limited items. Merch wise. Iback Friday. I think because it's, the language is coarse. And it's, I like doing limited items. Merch wise. I really do. I don't think it's a classic. I think it's a, it's a sharp,

percussive note. And then it's a, ugh. What do you got? What's going on here? Good. PMS. What does it say?

I suffer from PMS, putting up with men's shit. So he didn't do shit? Putting up with his shit? he didn't do putting up with this I didn't do shit yeah when's the last time you douched oh great question um it was about three four weeks ago yeah and I douched with water warm water and you know I didn't want to talk about shit right away um because we did talk about shit last episode at length. Well, at length. But, you know, I just I'm not that type of person that needs to do anal.

But I did stick a thing up my butt from Lilo, one of our sponsored dildos. And I have to tell you, and you probably know, it was very pleasurable. Yeah. Yeah. Right time, right place, right energy, right speed. There's a lot of variables that can make it not good. There's a lot of variables that can make it not good. There's a lot of variables that could make it not good at the grocery store. Astroglide tweeted something about putting things up your ass.

Astroglide. Is that a water-based lubricant? Who would play her? Who would play Astroglide as a company? Okay. Astroglide tweeted, did it hurt when he tried to sneak in the back door acting like he somehow got lost

in a mysterious labyrinth? Oh, wow. Well, when he, I mean, he put his foot through the doggy door because that door is right next, I mean, it's right there.

People need to realize that when you're eating pussy, you're eating ass. Well, I think this was a mistake on their part because I saw in the comments, people weren't very happy with the verbiage sneak in because it makes it seem not consensual. Oh, as if it's sexual assault, which it is.

Lube companies tweeting about sexual assault. That's brave. It's brazen. And controversial. It's brazen. Yeah, it's brazen. I, on the other hand, yesterday tweeted, Billie Eilish sent me her record player with a

vinyl a record player yeah a billy eilish record player yes are you fucking serious and i tweeted congratulations uh billy welcome to the blonde club uh can't wait to watch your show september 3rd it's december 3rd and those teenage children came after me faster than this the burn of a thousand suns. I'm surprised they didn't just change the calendar. Or find a way to edit other people's tweets. They send you your own tweet in ransom note form. Like, volumes of it.

Billy was probably on Twitter going, well, I guess we're moving into September. Because this fag. This really highly influential fag says I have to do it just ruin this for me let's talk about it talk about what violet's show last weekend wait wait wait before we do that i have to mention something because i'm going to forget it okay it's very pertinent uh someone was in the studio earlier this morning um a musician a singer a singer and he said that some people say he looks like trixie Mattel and he had recently got this hairline procedure done a tattoo of a shaved head have you ever heard of this oh the head

the head tattooing yeah and I was skeptical it looks great on some people yes it looked fabulous on him yeah and I immediately thought hmm should we do that? Who would play her? And I was like, you would. Who is it? It's a man who looks like you. Really? Yeah. I'll show you. Okay. I'll show you. I just fear that for, let's say really fair skin people. He was that. Okay. I would say that it would be a really slippery slope of too dark of ink too much. No, you go, you go in gradations. It's a process. You don't do Francois Sagat right off the bat. No, you don't Francois Sagat. You do like, it's like a, you know.

It's subtle. Subtle. Yeah. It was fierce. It was fierce. And I saw it right close up. I said, come into this light. Now come into this light.

Yeah. And they said, take your top off. That's fierce. Yeah, it was really cool. Would you ever get it? No, personally, no. It wouldn't work for me. Because blonde. And your hair's only like. Gray. My hair's gray. Is, I was really good. No, personally, no, it wouldn't work for me because blonde and your hair

is gray. My hair is gray and it's gray. It's all gray. Are you serious? Bones sticking out. Yes, it's all gray. It's all gray. And then I'm here. No, they are black. Black. I glue them on.

I glue them on. So anyways, that I wanted to mention that because bald and beautiful, but I love the head tattoo thing. I think it would be, I would be scared. I think it would look good on me, but I would be scared. Mary,

you, it would be flawless. Really? Yes. Because what I'm seeing right now, Mary, you would look like you had a buzz cut. It would age you back.

Maybe 12, 12, 12 years, 12 seconds. No, no, no, no buzz cut. It would age you back maybe 12 years. 12 seconds. No, no, no, no, no. You would walk around like you had a fucking battering ram in your, you know what I mean? You would walk around. Did you know that swimmers shave their heads? No.

One of my friends was a high school swimmer. Don't they wear swim caps? No, it was a bunch of guys. They all had shaved heads so they can swim faster. But they shave everything. To swim faster. Everything. Interesting.

Because when they wear those shorts, they're like those 2002 Coochie Cutter low rises where you see about a half inch of crack and the whole mon's pubis. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Mon's sticking out. Mon's sticking out. If I was a swimmer, I don't know if I would win swimming because I would do looks. And the looks would hinder my swimming. Well, you would be so, I mean.

A Von Dutch baseball cap. It probably, you know. All the accessories. The chunky jewelry. A Dobby house elf pillow sack. Chunky jewelry. Sha'Carri Wilson nails. Nails.

Maybe claw the water faster. Yes, clawing the water. And then on the feet, Manolos. The platform sneakers would probably, yeah. Manolos. I'd probably drop. Can you swim at all on heels? Absolutely not.

No. You can't move yourself through the water. You need flippers. You need flippers. Yeah. You need flippers. Plus, they wear bodysuits nowadays. Oh, theyippers. You need flippers. Yeah. You need flippers. Plus they wear body suits nowadays. Oh, they're not naked.

No. Oh, actually, no. The men's relay. They were very they were very topless because I know it would make you swim faster to be naked. Smooth skin. Yeah. Makes me watch.

You do. I think they're so hot. That body shape. They're super tall. They have like they're just crazy shaped. Yeah. Anyways, I love just crazy shaped. Yeah. Anyways. Speaking of crazy shaped.

Violet. Well, I guess we can get into it. Let's get into it. So, Violet Chachki. Yeah. Who would play her? A young Dita Von Teese. A young Dita Von Teese, yeah.

We got to see a lot more me, which is Violet's solo show at the Belasco. I don't know where I was. It was at the Belasco. I think that's how you pronounce it. It was a beautiful theater, but it had been recently turned into a music venue, i.e. no fucking chairs. Well, the floor seating was no chairs. We were lucky enough, Violet, thank you, for putting us on a spot.

She put us in a special little VIP where there were chairs. It was rather private, wristband only. I will say this. I called her assistant, Ellie, and then I got on the horn with her and she said, I was like, listen, I don't want to be that girl to ask for comps, you know, because I don't want to be that girl I'll pay. She's like, so

you want to see what a real show looks like, honey? And she was more than happy to give us both comps and she did four of them. But I was expecting like a, the Muppets style. No, the Muppets style, a balcony set up. Oh, it's time to put on makeup. Yeah, like, you know, at the finale.

Staller and Waldorf. Exactly. Or Michelle and Carson. Yes. That's what I thought. And what happened. All rise for the good lady, Brian McCook. And then you would walk out.

Aha. And like Prince Andrew just die. Yeah. But it was nothing of the sort. It was fine. It was more private than I thought it would be. Well, who was it. It was fine. It was more private than I thought it would be. Well, who was it? It was a,

it was a realist. It was a celebrity who's who a little bit. We saw Jeremy Scott. Jeremy Scott. Yeah. I am not to be a nerd. He's great.

I have been text friends with him for years and I finally saw him in person. I gave him a big hug and we chatted and he was so nice and he was talking about some certain stuff

he had coming up that I thought was cool and I just gave him a huge hug. And I said, I got to tell you, your shows just changed my life. I just love them. What do you say? He said, get the who are you? No, I just was like, your shows made me aware of fashion at all.

I just love you. That's really nice of you to say. And I said, I loved your show last year during quarantine when you had the marionettes because it was nice to see my size on the runway. Finally, representation for you. Who else did we see? Also, The Price is Right runway, bitch. Oh, yes. So good.

The caftan of the TV dinner. I mean, incredible. Oh, my God. Some wig issues. No, but no, they were intentional wig issues. Do you? No, no, no, no, no, no. You don't.

There were wigs that were placed intentionally an inch above the natural hairline. You didn't catch that? You didn't catch that? You don't smell that? That wig on their head? Maybe I'm not smart enough to pick up on this. No, no, no, no. It was clearly intentional.

Yeah. Okay. Bad wigs. That's what I'm going to say next time, too, when my wig fully comes off. But your wig never does that. Actually, not in a long time. No, because you're a professional. And I stopped moving around on stage.

Moving around on stage. Kim was there. Kim. Bob. Bob. Can we do an impersonation of Bob watching that show? I never saw her the whole night. Bob, let's just say.

Where was she? She, she. Like this? Who would play her? Viola. Viola Davis. Yeah. Uh,

who would play her is Viola Davis in Suicide Squad. Oh my God. Okay. Bob internally loved the show, but externally Bob is. Meanwhile, I am grinning ear to ear standing up. I cried at one point.

I cried. Yeah. It was tears streaming out. Te out i was just like she was obviously we knew the drag was gonna be good we knew the stunts were gonna be good the microphone skills were great yeah that bitch much better somebody yelled violet i love you and violet goes i don't know you yeah it was really great and quick it was so funny the only thing I would say, if we're going to get a little critical, is that for me, that the character, the persona of the bitch, if it just stays bitchy and hateful, it's almost like there's like, I don't know, it hits a wall because then there's like no, not a lot of depth to it.

You know what I mean? I disagree. Okay. I felt like, wow, how fun that the audience is almost like expecting you to go out there and be like, it's the least you guys could do is be here tonight. I look incredible. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a fun POV. Yeah, totally.

And also when Ellie brought out a red solo cup and she goes, I'm in couture, a red solo cup. And then they brought out a red solo cup with a rhinestone straw. With a rhinestone straw. It was so cute and that i it's it's great because i mean the benefit of wearing outfits like that you know even during that whole monologue i was just so transfixed on the garment i was like i want that i took pictures of every look oh you did yeah zoomed in what was your favorite oh my god well she started out with a Jeremy Scott May garment. It was like a tuxedo suit that had...

Tearaway. Mama, we have to talk about this. Now, as a performer, the zipper anxiety that I experienced during that show, as an audience member member but as a performer i'm like oh i see a little struggle there with the zipper because the whole burlesque gig is taking off clothes seamlessly and intentionally yeah and there was a moment where the zipper like um uh caught a little bit i almost had a heart attack you went i almost had a heart attack because like what's you gonna do what's you gonna do there was a really fierce Lilo plug in the middle of the show where Violet got on a giant inflatable pink dong.

And she's in this like pink, I think it was like latex, like fetish suit. It was just everything. It was so good. And I love that in the beginning of the show, Violet goes, well, I got inspired to do this show because I used to tour with all the drag queens and I hate doing those group tours because I hate other drag queens

and I just thought what if we did this show but a little more me she was like I realized my hatred of people led me down one path towards myself it was so good she was so beautiful she was great and it was I mean

it's I mean we i feel like we're unfair sometimes in the not me in the world because when you look like violet people go there's drag queens who do kicks and splits and they're performers but then if you look good and don't do the splits you're not a performer violet number one can do the splits and did them in the show. Number two, the commandment on stage. You are all going to watch this shit, bitch. It was like the way she, one person on a stage, most of the show, she just inhabited all of it. Yeah. And I mean, and also it was what was happening after, like behind the scenes that I was like, what is going on back there?

It's probably like, you know, do you want to be Violet's dresser? Absolutely not. No, I don't. I don't. Somebody gets killed every night. Every night,

casualties, a pile, trail of tears. Like it is just, do you want to turn to Violet? The zipper just split. No, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't. Cause I,

they need to have a cobbler on retainer. They need to have like, seriously, MacGyver back there. They have a cobbler at my show. A co need to have a cobbler on retainer. They need to have like seriously MacGyver back there. They have a cobbler at my show. A peach cobbler. It's a peach cobbler. We're going to take a break.

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Okay. It was at Violet's show. Uh-huh. So she does, by the way, go, oh no, it's done. You can't go see. Okay. It was a Violet show. Uh-huh. So she does, by the way, oh no, it's done. You can't go see it anymore. It's permanently done?

No, she's doing Canada. Oh, go see it. I mean, go see it. So if you're in Canada, go ahead and go see it because the tickets were reasonable. Very reasonable. Very reasonable. Especially for us

since they were free. Yes. But for the, you know, I don't love standing up. I won't stand up for anybody, not even gay rights or the national anthem. But I actually did I don't love standing up. I won't stand up for anybody, not even gay rights or the national anthem.

But I actually did. It was a standing room. I had to stand up because someone stood right in front of me. Why are we, we were in the VIP with all seats. Why are people standing? We were not, Mary, that was not a VIP. That was a very immense population. That's what the VIP stood for.

Very immense population. Girl. Voluminous, intense people. That's what it stood for. I, you know what, I'm not gonna say it. Don't say it. I'm gonna say it. Okay.

What's that, is that a meme? The challenge with the VIP sometimes is, is those people are in fact not VIP. No. In fact, it ends up being people who desperately wish they were VIP which is worse regular regular so then it's like we're so thankful Violet gave us this little square of bread to stand

here and watch the show and then it's 47,000 people that you don't know yeah wait what like there's that wasn't actually room to see the show or breathe but it was it was worth standing for for sure yeah I had to stand up and

i'm i'm surprised that i wanted to because i mean i don't stand up i love to sit i was expecting a theatrical performance where i was sitting down and i wanted her to be wheeled out hannibal lector style just outfit each outfit you know to the left to the right to the center and back but um i you know i at one point i realized there was just a fan standing right next to me. Oh, yeah. No wristband. Oh, yeah. Just a fan vibing. Oh, yeah.

Wandered into the VIP section. I DJed at Summer Tramp on Sunday and there was a little twink behind us. It was like me, Mario Diaz, Andres Fergal. In the DJ booth? All these LA nightlife people, right? In the DJ booth. And I'm sweating bullets because I'm doing this and it's andres and and you know like real people next to me yeah and then all day we're like oh that guy must be with someone

at the end of the day mateo goes do you know what i found out that little twink who was standing on stage the whole night we all he was so confident we all assumed he was with someone he wasn't the con yeah it's the con it's unmitigated gall yeah i'm going to my own show being like, is it okay if I come in? That was me trying to get into the Belasco. I was like, I have VIP tickets at the Will Call. And I'm like, I don't want to cut the line. I don't want to cut the line. I followed Gigi.

That's a great technique. Gigi walked by and I was like, wherever she goes, they're going to believe that she's VIP. So I have to smash her. Hobble smash her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hobble behind her. Yeah, I Igor'd myself back in Gottmik, so that worked for me. That works as well. I thought that person was going to fall off the balcony. What?

During the intermission of the show, I believe, Gottmik got on top of the, you know, the balcony is a ledge. She got on the ledge on both knees. No. And stood up and was like woo and the audience was wooing her and i was like we're about to watch that 90 pound man dressed as a 90 pound woman fall to her death oh they would have caught her and just like sprung right back up just like cheerleading she would have floated yeah um the show was just the show

was great and there was one moment where um so she does a it's the chair dance. So she does an aerial chair act. And, you know, she's up there very high on stage, unsupported. There's no there's no net. There's no wire. And she's up there. And if she fell, she would break her neck. And I. Yeah, she could die. Absolutely. She could die if she fell gravely injured, at least. And I'm like, fucking hell. Like, just on squeezing her calves and quads. And then when she goes back up and does the split on the chair. And I was like, I started crying because I was like, good.

I was like, you go, girl. Like, I a like a princess was living her fairy tale yes that sounds I don't know I felt it do you know what I mean

like I felt it and it was you know what it was it was somebody doing what they love better than anyone yeah and

in real time so beautiful and you know you were thinking I kept thinking like she's gonna go home tonight and she's gonna get in bed and go

I fucking let those whores have it and she did and also not to be morbid but isn't that fucking let those whores have it. And she did. Yeah. And also not to be morbid, but isn't that the point of aerials is it does cross my mind. We could watch Violet die tonight. Yeah.

I mean, I think that's what half of the crowd was showing up to see. Can I have a comp in case you fall to your death? 50% of those people left home, you know, they went back home disappointed. Me and Gigi Gorgeous like this. Yeah. Like fall, bitch, fall. Yeah. Yeah. But once she goes up there, I keep, and then back home disappointed. Me and Gigi Gorgeous like this. Yeah, like, fall, bitch, fall.

Yeah. But once she goes up there, I keep, and then I have to catch myself and go like, oh, this isn't like the Spice Girls at the Olympics where they're belted into something. Yeah, no. She could just fall to her death in a wig and die. Yeah.

This ain't Cirque du Soleil, bitch. I mean, the VIP didn't even have security. You think she's got a wire? I get nervous walking in heels backstage because of everything. I turned to the person who I didn't know, who had no wristband. Kimchi. Yeah. And I was like, I couldn't even walk across the stage in those heels that she's wearing.

No. Those arched. Her foot is past vertical. It's this. Her arch is past a vertical. I was like, and she's not only, she's doing all this stuff. I mean, it was just crazy.

You know what's great about it too is Bob and I were watching going, how does this person have the same job title as us? Like, but the great thing is I don't aspire to do what she does. Hell fucking no, bitch.

So like, I never watch Violet and go like, oh, I'm always like. Oh, never. No, no, no. That's why I was able to like. Yeah. That's why I would. I never for once like compared.

I was like, I was like, oh, wow. I could hang upside down out of drag four feet off the ground. You know what I mean? Like from my home. Yeah. Like in my, from my bullet bar with a sex swing. The one time I tried to use a sex swing, a beam came down. I was responsible for a condo building collapsing.

I couldn't even get my wig glued on. Like that's, you know what I mean? It's like start to. I might not show. Yeah. No, it's just, none of that could happen for me. Not one thing. And I was like, it's so nice to see somebody actually go and do it.

Yeah. But I want to talk to you about this though, because I was recently in drag last night for a photo shoot. Very simple. But I was in full drag and I was miserable and I was in pain. And I snatched my way so fiercely to a rivetingly, unbelievably svelte 31 inches. I felt like Violet. I felt, and I'm talking, this is a bone cincher, custom made, and I'm pulling.

Bone sticking out. Bone sticking out. Bone sticking out. No, bones not sticking out. Like, bones staying put. And I am, I can't breathe. I'm very uncomfortable. I can't bend over.

Can I touch your body? I do the, yeah. I want to see how fat you've gotten. Bone sticking out. the, yeah, I do the... I want to see how fat you've gotten. Bone's sticking out. So, yeah. It's not bad, but it just can't... I mean, girl... What's your waist?

I'm bigger than you, but yours is firm. But it's... But this is... But also, you have a lot of muscle there. Muscle doesn't squish like other things. Um, the... Well, there's training involved. Your things um the the well there's training involved there's training involved however what i'm trying to say is my waist this is there's blubber here

i don't have a lot of blubber but that's you this is where most of it's located anyways the point i'm trying to make is it is um so uncomfortable to look even halfway good a lot of the time oh yeah and i think that obviously the cliche pain is beauty is, you know, it's a cliche, but I, when I see Violet and when I, I just want to be the homely funny girl. Not even funny. Maybe just the homely girl who wanders in and she's looking for a hot dog. You were.

Yeah. The homely girl who wants to write a check for a hot dog. That's what I want to be. It was good that you had the wherewithal to leave before the end. I had to. Because getting out of there was. Oh, no. Yeah.

It was tough. I felt bad because Amy came up and gave me a hug from Sugar Pill and I had to go, I have to leave. Yeah, because you're in a hostage situation. Had to run out of the lobby. Had to run out of the lobby. And I grabbed Gigi Gorge and said, are you getting in a car?

I'll go wherever you're going. Yeah. And I just thumbed a ride with Gigi to her home. You just dive through the Bentley. To her house. Oh, good. Because she goes, we're going to go to the chapel, but I have to go home because I have to get new shoes.

And I was like, what happened? She's like, I broke them. And she broke both her heels. And I was like, you fat cunt. God, she's gained, what, 50, 60 pounds? Yeah. She looks always flawless. I mean, it's just un-fucking-believable.

Another thing, her name is Gigi Gorgeous. And you're like, you know, one day she's going to drop the ball. I haven't seen it yet. Who would play her as far as like, if she's Gigi Gorgeous, what are like, you know, one day she's going to drop the ball. I haven't seen it yet. You know, who would play her as far as like if she's Gigi Gorgeous, what are you? Goo Goo Magoo? I am literally. I'm Goopy McDonald. Yeah.

Like my like a fungi, some kind of fungi protozoa like I'm Beavis Meisler water. It's horrible. Yeah. I'm Beavis Meislerwater. It's horrible. Yeah. I'm the shit. I'm the dead rat that the fungi pokes through in order to decompose that thing and put it back in the earth. That's me. Well, we sent Violet some pre-show gift, which was nice. Your suggestion, which I immediately shot down and said, no.

I said, why don't we send her? She gave us comps. And I'm like, why don't we send her flowers? And you go, you said no exclamation point. Because I was just, I've been going through some personal things about flowers. I hate them. I hate them so much. So you decide everyone hates them?

Of course. That's when I came to my senses and realized that not everybody thinks like me. Right. That's part of being a person. Let's say we send Violet an item. Then she has to take it home with her. Sending her flowers that she feels like I can throw it away. Great.

Yeah. You know? Absolutely. You are right in this regard. Plus, you appreciate flowers. That's great. Most people do. It's a wonderful gesture that's not often looked at with contempt or disgust.

No. Like me or Madonna. And Violet in full drag getting what? How many roses did we send her? Just like 1,500. Yeah. And half pink, half red, I think. Yeah, half pink, half red.

I bet they were delivered and Violet was getting a drag and said, who are they from? They said Trixie and Kotcher. And she was probably like, hmm. So I feel I was so happy that you did that because I think it was a really nice gesture. And I'm sure she felt great. She deserves it. What happens to me when I see flowers anywhere, in the dressing room, that's fine. It's not my property.

You know what I mean? I don't live there. I find them in front of my door. I say, what the fuck is going on? I feel like it's a trap or I feel like it's not my property. You know what I mean? I don't live there. I find them in front of my door, I say, what the fuck is going, I feel like it's a trap, or I feel like it's a prank. And then once I realize it's neither of those things, I just realize it's a huge pain in the ass.

You just bought me a trip to the dumpster. I'll tell you this, when it was my birthday, what, a week ago, I got flowers from PG, gorgeous. I got flowers, a hundred roses from Netflix. A hundred. Wow. A hundred.

I got, my assistant got me roses and I texted it. Who did I text? Margot Robbie. No, no, no, no. I texted Pete from World of Wonder and said, you know, my birthday ends in seven hours. Netflix already delivered. So I don't know what you guys are doing. I don't know.

Pete's probably doing one of the 400 jobs he's tasked with. You know what I mean? But see, for me, I don't know if I've said it before. I hate flowers. I love fake flowers. But to me, flowers are such a frivolous inconvenience. You look at the fucking shithole I live in. You think we're operating on the level of flowers.

It's like, no, give me a sponge. Can I get some Dawn soap? Give me some dish soap. Give me some cash. Can I get a tushy? Yeah, maybe some Goo Gone for that shit that's on the wall. Maybe a pillowcase. How about a new welcome mat?

Yeah, anything. Literally $3 in a card. Can I get a shoehorn? Yeah, anything. Literally anything. in a card. Can I get a shoehorn? Yeah, anything. Literally anything. Any kind of useful tool or gesture. Or simply like

a stinging telegram. Yeah. I love my birthday gift, by the way. Oh, I'm glad you like it. Yeah, I'm glad you like it. Stunning. I want to get a similar one

because I need a fanny pack. It's not beautiful to be a balding person and then have a backpack. I feel like a fucking... That's the problem. I was just telling somebody about this.

I was like, I'm at the point where too many things fit in my pocket, too many things fit in my pockets. Way too many. But a backpack...

I'm not going to school. I look like Robin Williams in that movie Jack where he's aging super fast. Or you look like... I look like Steve Buscemi going back to high school. Hello, fellow kids.

Exactly. It's not cute. Pedo vibes. Pedo vibes. It is not pedo-geddon. I know. Yeah, but I got a lot of shit in there. The show was good, though.

The show was good. I had to run out of there. I ran out because I had, so they had a, listen, they had the Shangri-La. I've never seen anything like it. A smoking area outside, sparsely populated i walked into there only three people in their full bar not that i care but joe camel joe joe camel the marlboro man and then misty um ultralight 1000 was there it was i was like really and so but at intermission i had some very unfortunate series of fan interactions that just compiled

and I just booked it. I just booked it, Mary. You know what I did forget about? That we're Julia Roberts there. I forgot that we were going to, we're not famous, but I forgot that we were going to an event where we actually probably were. So yeah, I forget that. I forget it too because normal day to day, whatever.

Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? But at those events, every single person knows who we are. Almost 100% of the crowd. After you left during intermission, I think I stood up to go talk to Gigi and some people on the floor saw me. So then people were teaming up down there in groups and going one, two, three and yelling

Brian Furcus. Oh, so yeah. Yeah. Somebody. During Violet's show. Wait, during the show? No,

during intermission, they were yelling my name in groups at once to get me to respond. What? They're going to show him your tits like it's New Orleans? Violet's literally about to go on stage. What if you just focus on her for five seconds? Yeah. I don't, I don't,

I really don't like being the center of it. I like, I should have brought a disguise, you know, we should have done the RuPaul mask mask and wheelchair. Did you have a hat or something. Yeah. She showed

up to Peaches show incognito show our show. Yes our show undercover literally girl CSI wishes. Yeah Miami Vice could never. Well I remember Peaches was like word on the street is RuPaul is coming to your show. And I was like I don't even think Kati is coming to this show. This is in.

And then RuPaul, and then Kati, and then Peaches goes, you know, Peaches is famous for keeping everything under wraps and never gossiping or anything. And Peaches Christ goes, RuPaul is here, but don't tell the cast because they don't want to get nervous. I walk out into the dressing room two seconds later, and people are like, RuPaul's here. Everyone knew. And RuPaul came in. I loved it, though. I think like want to feel nervous. I walk out into the dressing room two seconds later and people are like, RuPaul's. Everyone knew.

And RuPaul came in. I loved it though. I think like a cabana hat. A mask. At the time, he just called it a SARS mask, which I don't think is, it was pre-COVID.

No, no, no. Yeah, it was a SARS. No, it was like an airport mask around, you know, SARS or bird flu. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she, in a wheelchair.

RuPaul's in a wheelchair. It was brilliant. It's brilliant. Because she's so tall, you have to remember she has to be so she's immediately if you don't recognize her, you're like, who is that? And then you recognize her. Yeah. So the wheelchair is a brilliant touch.

And she was, I think, wheeled by her. George, who was dressed as a nurse. Yeah. A slutty nurse. Who was dressed as a nurse, like at the end of Promising Young Woman with a colorway and a bunch of G and a bottle of vodka. Yes. I loved that movie. It was fierce. It got me together. It was fierce.

Promising. How did you feel about the ending? Loved it. You did, yeah? Loved it. Do you think it was too whimsical? That she died? No.

Okay. Sorry. Spoiler alert. Sorry. She lives forever. Loved it. Do you think it was too whimsical that she died? Oh, OK. Sorry. Spoiler alert. All right. She lives forever. She dies in her bed surrounded by chubby grandchildren. Huge, chubby, grandchild. I loved it because do we really think that a tiny little woman would escape a situation like that? Yeah. Realistically, no. Yeah. She's also standing over him with a knife. Yeah. I mean, knife sticking out. Knife, knife. Yeah. She's also standing over him with a knife. Yeah.

I mean. Knife sticking out. Knife sticking out. Yeah. I loved it. She got me together. Yeah. She got me together.

That posthumous like gotcha thing was pretty good. Oh, that's the ultimate. Yeah. That's the ultimate gotcha. I have an envelope prepared in case of my sudden demise. First thing I do every day is I schedule a text

in case I die tomorrow. Oh, I have several envelopes already stamped. Do you really? Oh, I have several envelopes already stamped. Do you really? Oh, yes. Where the bodies are buried. Let's just say lots of different. There's about there's two dozen envelopes.

When you die, can I have some money? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Work. I was figuring that out the other day. I was figuring that out the other day. I was like, you know, if I say I get in a car accident or something, I have enough money to give away for people to be mad at. Do you know what I mean? Like, I don't have a lot of money, but like I have enough money for a few people.

Yes, exactly. Because you got that in my head with the Rick Ocasek and Paulina Porizkova thing. And so she was distraught. Do you see yourself as a Rick or a Paulina? I seeva thing. And she, so she was distraught. Do you see yourself as a Rick or a Paulina? I see myself as the cat. I think there was a cat somewhere. But, you know, like children fighting

over estates or whatever. I was like, ooh, what a wonderfully morbid activity to figure out who gets what in the unlikely, in the very likely event of my death. Do you want to talk about this?

Because we could take a break and talk about it. Let's take a break and talk about it. Okay, we're taking a break. So I first came to Edward Jones with a great deal of trepidation when I first met with my advisor. And I really was feeling vulnerable about what I would have to share.

I was, of course, pleasantly surprised to find that there was absolutely no judgment and a lot of support. And when it was time to get serious, he really took my hand and helped me to do that. Edward Jones. We do money differently. Visit edwardjones.ca slash different. Upper Canada College inspires boys from senior kindergarten to year 12. Visit edwardjones.ca slash different. Financial Assistance Program. UCC, a place where tradition, excellence, and innovation meet. Learn more at our open house events on October 15th and 16th. Register now at causeandeffect.ucc.on.ca. Turn off hesitation.

Turn off doubt. Turn off fears. The YMCA of Greater Toronto helps you turn off whatever's holding you back so you can let your potential shine. Turn on confidence. Turn on connections. Turn on possibilities. There are hundreds of programs and services available at the Y.

See what you can achieve at ymcagta.org. This will be the day. Let's take another break. I'm just kidding. I have thought about it too. Yeah. Well, you have, you're,

well, I'm not gonna, I'm not rich, but I've thought, well, that sounds horrible. No, no, no, no, no. It's all relative. Let's just say this.

In my hometown in Wasaaki, Wisconsin, I'm filthy rich. Filthy rich, yeah. In Hollywood, Los Angeles, I am the caddy at a golf. I'm the caddy at a golf, what do you call it, a golf? Pavo. Pavo.

What's it, a golf green, a golf place? Golf caddy, golf cart? A caddy at a golfing green, a golfing. Golf course. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

So, you know, I thought about like, well, who in my life do I love but has enough money of their own where they would get nothing? Versus like people in my life who are close to me who like some money if I died would change the course of their life. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yes. Like, so I would go, I go loans. Who's got debt? In the family.

Immediate family. Any debt? Bam. That's the first thing. Yeah. So I'm like, oh, my, you know, my? In the family. Immediate family. Any debt? Bam. That's the first thing. So I'm like, oh, my brother's an attorney. He's totally self-sufficient. I'm like, God, I would probably give more money to my younger siblings. One being like a new mom.

And I'm like, I could give a bunch of money to my mom, but I don't realistically see my mom living another at least five years. So like, what is that money doing? You know what I mean? Yeah, I guess. and then i was like what would i give any what would happen to my drag have you thought about that what would i want to happen to all this drag drag my dresses and shit oh i sell all mine all the time i stopped selling you did because you're archiving now no i'm not archiving i just don't want anybody to have anything anymore hmm Hmm. Interesting. Well, once I started working with Amy Sarazan, who does all my costumes, everything is so

impeccable that I'm like, and it's not corseted. So I'm like, I could fit that in 10 years. Oh, yeah. So I don't want to get rid of it. That's, you know what? That's true. Yeah. The stuff I make, I'm just like, oh, I've had enough.

I want to get rid of it. See, we feel differently about this because I think some of your outfits you made are the best things you have. I love them. You shouldn't get rid of them. But I can make them again. Better. You know what I mean?

That's true. Like some of those weird, cracky shoes, I won't ever get rid of those. They're like little objet d'art. You know what I mean? They're like little sculptures. What happens? I love those mules from tour that are bejazzled. Me too.

I know. They're just so wild. And also, that takes a lot. Can you make me some? No. I mean, no. Because I don't love anybody enough to do that. Isn't that funny?

I don't love anybody enough other than myself to make those shoes. Well, you know, I'd have to... If I killed your sister, I'd make you a couple of those shoes. So I gotta wait till something horrible happens? I'd have to do a lot. I mean, big time make you a couple of those shoes. So I'm going to wait until something horrible happens. I'd have to do a lot. I mean, big time.

Murder atonement. Murder. So the judge is like, you either have to do 60 years to life or you have to make shoes. Yeah. We're like, we're prepared to offer you three life sentences or six Tory Burch bedazzled mules. Made from broken jewelry. Yeah.

All Swarovski. Yeah. I've thought about this because of death. You know, I think about death all the time. I do too. What happens to drag queens drag when they die? Normal people. Do other drag queens come and like take pieces of it?

Yeah. So, well, she didn't die, but she left under the cover of night. So she might as well have. The drag queen whose apartment I inherited, vultures, mama. Vultures. Do you ever know what happened to her? Oh, yeah. She's alive and well in New York City.

Yeah. But she left the drag and was like, let people have it, whatever. She was like, listen, you can have the apartment, but I got to leave tonight. And so it was a lot of cleanup. So the first thing that happened was all the queens came and we vultured found $100 in change on the floor that gives you an idea of the hoarding going on this is the fridge that got taped shut

yeah yeah the do not open the don't open that oh my god we remembered a story and we remembered that we already told it yes through a call back that we already told it. Yes. Through a callback that we got. Yeah.

Also. 45 episodes in. Great segue. Did you see Candyman? No, did you? I did. Did you live? I lived.

And I, so I watched it. I was, I was, I mean, I was riveted, unsettled. And then I read the most incredible review by this writer on Vulture. Mama, this woman, this incredible writer, she took that hook off a candy man's hand and slashed that movie until it was just... She didn't like it? No. She said it was, and I quote, a soulless derivative piece of garbage one of the

it's the worst movie to come out so far this year did she feel that way? but so a lot of the angle was that it was for white folks because it was oh a didactic

soulless reinvention what does didactic mean? it's like to teachy preachy like we're teaching you stuff right now like like characters in conversation would be like yeah so gentrification like they would

casually mention how gentrification works in like among black folks who know what that you know what i mean right so it was very much for a white audience it felt like which being a white member of the audience during the time i was like gagged and I was like and then I like read that and I was like oh shit I'm problematic because I liked it yeah I mean I thought it was like crazy I mean it was it was very entertaining and crazy and cool but yeah there was some you know I always wonder like um people like the gentleman who plays pinhead or like when they probably accidentally find some of these iconic horror roles. It must be mind blowing for them decades later to be like, how did some job I took once?

Tony Todd. Yeah. The guy who plays Candyman. How did it turn into like what defines me? I mean, in a good way. And they never know. Actors never know if something's going to take off. They never know.

You do a pilot. Everybody from Game of Thrones, they had no idea. They thought they were doing some fantasy pilot. It's not going to get picked up. Ten years later, most popular television show of all time. You know, your aria stock for life. For life. For life.

Yeah. But anyways, but it was it was interesting. Like the the it was it gave you the good slash and gore stuff it was a lot of body horror like much more than the original wow and i love the original but get this there were young children in the theater like eight six five four years old and i realized i was like we're like what the what what's going on there and then I realized I was 10 when I saw the original that's 10 years old something that you're afraid to say fuck them kids no I'm just I was just surprised I don't think it's like I don't think it's like

you know if it if it gives them nightmares for a week fuck them kids but also I so deeply don't believe in like a censorship at all that I'm like, it's a, it's a stabby stabby movie. It's not, I mean, kids, do you, do you feel seriously disturbed because you saw candy man at 10?

Maybe you're not a good, good example. I mean, I would never ever say it in the mirror. I would never even to this day. Oh, absolutely. I would fucking lutely not,

not even as a joke. Do it. Do it. I would not. I would never. But imagine the viewership if you got stabbed and gutted right now. I know. And it was cool.

In the movie, you couldn't see it. It was like he was kind of invisible. You could only see him through the mirror. So it had cool effects. Wow. And some bitch got slashed, throat open right at the beginning. Right at the beginning. And it was tied into the art world,

so it was kind of a Velvet Buzzsaw, like killer art. Did you see Velvet Buzzsaw? No, but isn't the original Candyman, there's like a lot of, that's in New Orleans, right? The original one? No, it's Chicago.

It takes place in Chicago. It's all around Cabrini Green, the housing projects, the low-income area of the city. And there's like, the original is? No, it's Chicago. It takes place in Chicago. It's all around Cabrini Green, the housing projects, the low-income area of the city. And there's like, the original is Virginia Madsen is a white grad student who's doing research.

And she gets like hooked into this story. I gotta rewatch it. That movie scared the shit out of me as a kid. Well, it's incredible because two things, the Philip Glass score

and then get this, she never screams. She gets hypnotized by him she's almost romantic right it is and she actually got hypnotized on set during those scenes like you know you know he's in the parking garage during the day he's like helen it's like seductive yeah it's fucking creepy though would you fuck candy man absolutely i too. He could take that hook and go right up there. Right in my little garage. Yeah.

Right in that parking garage. Yeah. Hook's sticking out. Hook's sticking out. Well. You better say it, say it, say it, say it, say it. I'm going to see it. No, watch it.

I'm sorry to, yeah. You didn't ruin it. I'm going to see it. I don't care. You'll enjoy it. It's a good horror movie, for sure. You know, I'm a great horror movie audience. Even when something's horrible, I'm like,'t ruin it. I'm going to see it. I don't care. You'll enjoy it. It's a good horror movie for sure. You know, I'm a great horror movie audience. Even when something's horrible, I'm like, I loved it.

So like I'm the ultimate. It's really well paced. It's never boring. Some of the acting is kind of, and weirdly the main character who's this like so, I mean, the guy's so fucking hot. It's kind of flat and wooden in it. It's strange. Not very charismatic, hot it's kind of flat and wooden in it it's strange not very charismatic but it's

a good horror movie I'm gonna watch it yeah hook sticking out hook hook sticking out well that's the pod that's it anything you want to plug I want to plug those tattoos on your head I would have plugged

I had never been interested in hair plugs, but I would be interested in that. I'm going to show you and you're going to gag. Trust and believe. I like being bald. Me too.

That would be great. This would look like you have a fresh buzz cut. I'm going to do a crowd fund. Go fund me. It would look so good on you, I'm telling you. Okay.

You'll gag. I'm going to show you right now. Will you go with me and hold my hand? Yeah, I'll hold your foot. Work. I'll tie your foot to your hand you've never had a tattoo

I get the tattooed head I cut off the hand and get a hook I look like I look like Francois Sagat going to a Halloween party and everyone is living frangie man

frangie man bye bye Fringy man. Fringy man. Bye. Bye.